i haven’t been able to function as much as i have since this whole Bar review started. i haven’t been reaching the targets i used to reach. oddly, i feel nothing. it’s not that i’m fine because i know i’m not. otherwise there isn’t anything to explain the excessive sleeping, the body pain, the low energy, random breakdowns, spacing out in the middle of walks or the general unsettling feeling of emptiness.
everything else in my life is going well. my relationship is godsent, my mom tries her best to be supportive and not to add pressure to the weight that’s obviously on my shoulders, my friends are all rooting for me and can’t wait for me to sign the roll. which is why it’s harder to feel and be this way. it’s so hard to be the only thing in your life that doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to fall apart when everything else is intact.
ha. maybe that’s the problem. i’ve always thought i was in touch with my feelings. but apparently i’m not. i may or may not have guilted myself out of feeling my emotions. what i’m doing is not easy. it’s so fucking hard to study for more than 8 hours a day only to get stuck on a topic you don’t remember understanding back in law school. it’s so scary to feel the dream almost brushing your fingertips while knowing it’s you who could do the final pull. what if i don’t get there? what if i’m really just full of shit? what if i let everyone down? what if the people who told me i wouldn’t amount to anything are right?
i’m fighting all these what ifs with lighter what ifs but sometimes it’s just too hard.
i have therapy next week and i hope to God it fixes my problems like it did the last time because i really have no other cards left to play.
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