maybe i still look for you in every new person i meet because i miss you. 3 years later and i’m still reeling from the loss of my best friend.

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@ablievion
maybe i still look for you in every new person i meet because i miss you. 3 years later and i’m still reeling from the loss of my best friend.
I deleted instagram and facebook on my phone for the nth time. I realized this is what helped me be unbothered when I was reviewing for the bar. Limiting people who had access to me, limiting my access to people’s lives, and just settling with the fact that if they want to reach out, there are other ways and if I wanted to reach them, I will. My brain is noisy as it is and adding mindless scrolling to that breeds a disaster.
ano ba pumasa na ako ng bar at lahat lahat, may takot pa rin ako na hindi enough ‘yung ginagawa ko. hahaha potaena when will this stop
Hello I just wanted to drop by to manifest that I’ll be a lawyer by 2023. ✨
ya girl made it and passed 🥺
it's a bit unsettling to have everything else around me go well and yet my insides keep turning at night from the fear of what's definitely coming (hint: Bar).
my mom is so great at mothering nowadays. my partner is nothing but supportive and kind. my cats, as usual, are crazy but they cuddle up with me when i'm about to cry. everything is falling in place but here i am about to fall apart.
i took a long walk this morning in an attempt to sweat out the anxiety. it worked but it wasn't a magical solution that made all my worries go away. i'm still very much afraid of not doing enough. i can't sleep as well as i used to despite the meds. i get jolted awake by shit i think i have to do. have you printed this out? where's your wallet? did you close the window? did you say good night to the cats because you know they're going to flip out if you didn't. what time is it? you're supposed to be asleep by 9 pm yet here you are.
but i take deep breaths in between erratic thoughts and hope they go away.
SeptemBAR NAAAAAAAAAAA
it’s almost a month away from the Bar and i honestly don’t know how to feel. i’m excited for all this to be over, but i’m also very much dreading it. i’m not breaking down in tears like i used to when September was months away and that’s kind of ironic. i think i manage my energy better than i used to. if i’m being honest, i feel relatively calm. of course there are moments in a day where i’m blasted with thoughts of failure, but i’m able to breathe deeply through it with my eyes closed.
you’re okay. you’re doing your best. you can do it. your heart is in it. all of it.
i’ve finally let go of last year’s Bar exams. i went through my friends’ instagram feeds to see how they’ve been since i deactivated all my social media (except tumblr ofc) after results came out. i am finally in a place where i’ve accepted my decision to let go of my chance last year for better reasons than to tough it out and hope for the best. i am genuinely happy for them. more than anything, i’m very proud of them.
and soon, i’ll be proud of me too.
it’s august and it seems like yesterday since i graduated from law school. it feels like yesterday since i decided not to take the Bar and proceed with surgery instead. it seems like yesterday since i was praying for the strength to get through every day. and holy shit now i’m on the final leg of my Bar review. it feels very surreal. all i want to do now is to face this head on with a heart so sure that i want this for myself.
i read hozier lyrics between study sessions because the man has so many dark and beautiful points.
just a regular day at our home with the cats sleeping on top of the shelves.
update on the climb (pun intended): first pic is me reaching the top but screaming at my friend to get me down. second pic is me struggling with the automatic belay system. lol. i have sore biceps and upper back today but i can still move. seriously contemplating on going back tomorrow again.
i can feel my depression creeping back and this little thing that i did pushed it further down. it made me realize i have so much to experience once i have more money from my lawyer job. lol. at least i want to live. duh
i cried again today. i rested my cheek on Da’s thigh and i cried my eyes out. he picked me up from the floor and guided me to the couch. i cried again. like a baby. he made me laugh for a moment then i started crying again.
i went to a starbucks again to finish the rest of my book and it took me three hours to finish 20 pages. it used to take me an hour or less but it’s been weeks since i last did that. at least, despite all the forces within, i got through it.
i’ve decided to give myself this weekend to reset. i heard Dr. Andrew Huberman say (or my interpretation of what he said) to do something scarier than what you need to do. it has something to do with dopamine but as i altered my college trajectory, my psych degree is a bit dusty so i’m not sure if that’s accurate. but i’ll be going wall climbing with a friend of mine tomorrow who’s also taking the Bar so i just hope and pray that the fear of falling off of the top of the wall heals me.
or gives me a concussion. i guess we’ll find out tomorrow.
*sending my warmest hugs to you
don't beat yourself too much. it's okay. you'll figure it out in time. :))
i'm rooting for you.
Thank you. 🥺
i haven’t been able to function as much as i have since this whole Bar review started. i haven’t been reaching the targets i used to reach. oddly, i feel nothing. it’s not that i’m fine because i know i’m not. otherwise there isn’t anything to explain the excessive sleeping, the body pain, the low energy, random breakdowns, spacing out in the middle of walks or the general unsettling feeling of emptiness.
everything else in my life is going well. my relationship is godsent, my mom tries her best to be supportive and not to add pressure to the weight that’s obviously on my shoulders, my friends are all rooting for me and can’t wait for me to sign the roll. which is why it’s harder to feel and be this way. it’s so hard to be the only thing in your life that doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to fall apart when everything else is intact.
ha. maybe that’s the problem. i’ve always thought i was in touch with my feelings. but apparently i’m not. i may or may not have guilted myself out of feeling my emotions. what i’m doing is not easy. it’s so fucking hard to study for more than 8 hours a day only to get stuck on a topic you don’t remember understanding back in law school. it’s so scary to feel the dream almost brushing your fingertips while knowing it’s you who could do the final pull. what if i don’t get there? what if i’m really just full of shit? what if i let everyone down? what if the people who told me i wouldn’t amount to anything are right?
i’m fighting all these what ifs with lighter what ifs but sometimes it’s just too hard.
i have therapy next week and i hope to God it fixes my problems like it did the last time because i really have no other cards left to play.
hozier’s lyrics speak to me in levels no other artist can. like sis,,
if there was anyone to ever get through this life with their hearts still intact, they didn’t do it right.
my life was a storm since i was born. how could i fear a hurricane?
don’t you ever tame your demon but always keep ‘em on a leash.
excuse me, sir???
hey there! discovered you a while back as a fellow ph law student, and just found out you’re taking the bar soon. CONGRATULATIONS!! i also have friends studying non-stop for the bar (its so early this year), and want to send you all the best wishes. rooting for you to ace the coming exams! i know you can do it!! 🌻
Thank you. 🥺🥺🥺
Hi ate! Gusto ko din po sana mag take ng law. Anong school po kayo naglaw? Thank you!
UA&P Law. :)