A Blog From A Confused Person

My life is weird. Come along with me on this journey. N.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

My Real Life Story of Being Cheated On

I don't understand cheating. I really don't. I need to talk for a second. But a guy I'm seeing hooked up with his ex for 1 night. The next day he told me he loved me and wanted to move in. I didn't know he hooked up with his ex. But his ex also happens to be the mother of his child. He tells me today. 5 days after about his cheating. I don't get cheating because if you really love someone, you wouldn't even think about it. I'm at this point where I don't get why he even said that he loves me. I can't even trust what he says now. Because clearly that love for me was an illusion. Yet he talks about how over her he is. I'm done playing. In my mind, if you really love someone, it'd hurt so much less to say you didn't love them, then to sleep with someone else. He still says he wants to be with me. He claims this is why he told me. I'm done with his shit honestly.

[tarynkent]

[picassu]

[carlburton]

[kaleidoland-deactivated20171011]

[its1130andtheclubisjumping-deac]

Trying to explain your anti-social behaviour in group chat

[moonhalos-deactivated20160801]

@palmtreepride this is me

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

My Irrational Fear of Affection

I have a really hard time telling if love and affection towards me is genuine. Which makes me irrationally insecure in relationships. Here's why.

I've had a particular man tell me he missed me, "I could picture you as my girlfriend", "why don't you just move in with me", "why can't you just be in bed with me right now", "you're someone I'd hate to hurt". He gave me the love and attention I feel like anyone in a relationship deserves. Out of the blue he said he felt like an asshole for lying to me, because he never wanted anything with me. That he never had feelings for me. That's a really hard thing to hear when someone you thought cared didn't. It's hard to be that vulnerable to someone and be told feelings never existed. When amongst the things he said, there were many more words exchanged.

It's hard for me to feel that open again. It's hard for me to feel that trust with someone. My heart is hesitant to open, because really the only way I can feel that vulnerable again, is if I trust them. At the time, I trusted him.

I hope someday I can find someone who is willing to be patient, and wait for my heart.

To whoever has the patience, I thank you, and if I showed you this, chances are I love you very much.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

A letter to my future husband Of course I won't officially know when I've found you. I probably won't know it's you at first. Knowing me, I'll probably give you a lot of shit for a while (sorry about that). Hopefully we'll go on hikes. You'll make me want to learn things I couldn't have cared about till I met you. We'll have lazy Sunday's in bed together. We'll have fights that will make us remember why we fell in love with each other. Regardless of all these things and more, it'll be an interesting day when I wake up and realize, when i look into your eyes, you're the last person I'll be in love with for sure.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

What It Is Like To Be In Love When You Don’t Know How Someone Else Feels

So recently I’ve discovered that I think I’m in love. Now this is a hard thing for me to admit. I’ve never actually cared for someone to this extent. More specifically I am talking about the boy from Sacramento. 

I know I don’t fill you all in a lot on why I start and stop talking to people. But I’m trying to keep you updated on my multiple suitors.

Sacramento boy and I agreed one night randomly to stop talking to other people. Admittedly I still have not stopped talking to other people, and I know that seems bad. It makes me feel bad honestly. I have specific reasons for being this way, and I may touch on that in another post sometime this week. He has been a little suspicious and I believe he’s seeing other people still too.

Any who, being 300 miles away from him has really sucked. I miss being able to do simple things like being able to touch him and look him in the eyes, independent of a computer screen. Honestly he hasn’t been super open with emotions towards me either. That is fine. Honestly I feel like a crazy women because we’ve only met once. *for reference we’ve been texting/calling for almost two months now*.

He never flirts. He hasn’t called me pretty or anything since before we met. But he does seem to care about me when I’m sick. He does seem to care when I’ve had my plays being performed and wants to hear about them (yes, I do also write plays). 

Every time I bring up how I’m worried that my time is being wasted, and I ask him what he wants, all he says is, “I want to hangout and get to know you better over the summer”.

Which is understandable, but that’s a hard thing to hear. Whenever I hear him say he ran into his ex, or he was hanging out with some girls from class, I kinda get jealous. I mean I hangout with other guys who are my friends. But I want me to be the shoulder he cries on. I want to do stupid things like watch Netflix and actually just chill. I want to lay in bed all day on Sundays with him. I want him to meet my whole crazy family. I want to meet his.

So yes, two months into dating, kissed once, never had sex. I think I am in love with him. The question is, does he feel the same?

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Tinder Date Via Sacramento

Sooooo, I have family up in Northern California, and I ended meeting an actually genuinely sweet guy on tinder. I told him my conditions, and he was genuinely okay with everything. I’ve been really vulnerable to him, and in return he has been as well. I really appreciate him as a person. We skyped a few times before meeting, and we talked on the phone too. I offered to drive 45 minutes out of the way to go see him, and honestly it was so worth it to me. First off, he actually had a date planned, it’s a huge pet peeve of mine to go out on dates when guys don’t care or don’t try to make plans. Honestly I just wanted time to talk with him. Whatever we did wasn’t so important to me. I was so nervous to meet him. Nice guys don’t like me. He was sensitive, sweet, attractive, funny, and interesting. Those are qualities extremely hard to find for me. Our date was dandy we hugged when we met. But of course he looked much different then I expected. I mean he looked like himself. But you never know what someone looks like till you see them in the flesh. I kind of felt weird, because I felt like he was so much more attractive then me. I was worried I came off as really insecure because I felt like he was out of my league. But he seemed to not notice. Our date seemed to go really well! We bonded a lot, and told lots of stories about growing up and our weird families. But one thing that threw me off was he never really tried to touch me. I grabbed his arm a few times, but he wouldn’t really clutch back or when we sat down next to each other I would touch his leg or brush mine against his. But he did nothing or would move away. On the last few minutes of our date we were walking around a park, and our hands were slightly brushing each other’s. At this point we had been hanging out for almost 7 hours. I just decided to say “screw it” and grabbed his hand. But again we did hold hands but he didn’t really clutch back. Which ultimately confused me. 7 hours on a date, where I gave him lots of outs to leave, he still stayed. I couldn’t figure out why. So I drove him back to his car at the end of our date. He said he really had fun. Honestly I did too. I just felt like maybe he enjoyed us better as friends. So he leans over to hug me in my car and we did hug for a good amount of time, then when we started to pull away, as you do when you’re done hugging, his hand was still on my back and he pulls me in to kiss. Which in my mind, I was thinking “YOU JUST THREW ME FOR A HUGE CONFUSING LOOP!”. It wasn’t even a peck kiss. It was full on kissing with tongue and such. Which was so unexpected for me. It totally wasn’t a bad kiss either! But for a first date I think it was one of the more aggressive kisses I had gotten. I was talking about it with a friend later, and her theory was he probably kissed you so aggressively because he didn’t touch you the whole night and really wanted to. I honestly really like him. But we live 300 miles apart. That totally doesn’t seem to matter to him. Which makes me really happy. He’s such a sweet and genuine person. We’ve been talking for two weeks, and as I sit on the train heading home. I kind of miss him already. That scares me. Have a nice day, and don’t get into to many shenanigans. -N

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Men Suck, but Not All Of Them

So, I don’t know why I torture myself. But the last guy from Tinder, him and I aren’t going to work out. Yes we went on two dates, and yes we texted after them, but last Sunday (which is 7 days from today), he didn’t reply to my messages. Which is fine. I honestly am just more mad he acted like he cared about me. I’m more mad because I feel used. He would say stuff like, “if I meet your family”, and I guess that just made me excited. I just feel used.

I out of spite went on Tinder again and not on purpose, found someone who was actually really sweet to me. The sucky part about this scenario is when I found him tinder, I was up north near Sacramento. I live in Los Angeles. We’ve skyped twice and been texting for about a week. He knows I live far away. He knows I only am up north about once a month. He knows I’m looking for a relationship. Despite all of this working against us, he’s probably been the nicest sweetest guy I’ve ever talked too. I’ve been joking around with my friends saying “where’s the poop?” (A reference from a television show, How I Met Your Mother), basically saying “What’s his problem?”.

He’s very sweet to me, but I’m scared to be vulnerable. I’m scared to be hurt again. I’m scared that even though I haven’t met this guy in real life, I’m scared that I might have feelings. It takes me a lot to feel this enamored for someone. Now we just have to conquer the first date. I just hope we both like each other. Because he really is a sweetie ❤️.

Goodnight N

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Ugh FEELINGS ARE GROSS

Ugh I’m so angry and I feel played. My date with him was so good and cute. It went so well. Like it was clear he was into me. It was our second date, but I feel played.

We normally text everyday. With a few days here and there of no talking. We have been talking for two months. We’ve gone on two dates. It’s been 3 days sense he’s texted me. Yesterday I got some news, and my first thought was to text him. To tell him. But I didn’t because I don’t want to come off as easy or desperate.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you may or may not know we have some weird situations going on between him and I. But I felt like we had a connection. I feel crazy. But I feel so vulnerable. I like him, but not texting me makes me crazy. It’s totally understandable if he has nothing to talk about, but a simple “Hey, how are you doing today?”, would be nice.

I’ve gone on dates with other people sense then, but he’s the only one I’ve had feelings for. I want to text him. But everyone is telling me not too.

What should I do? N.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

The Actual Tale of Date Two

      So, it wasn’t terrible. I know it’s not traditional on date two to go over to someones house, but we live in a terribly uneventful college town. I really had no problem with going over to his house. But as I told my friends, they began to freak me out. Honestly, I trusted him. I had been in a bad situation before and he was extremely sympathetic to it. Many times he assured me he wouldn’t do the same.

     I end up being about an hour late. Which honestly I felt like crap about, I told him I hit traffic but I really just took way to long to get ready. I was super nervous. For understandable reasons.

     I ended up meeting him at a coffee shop really close to his house. He was really sweet and gentlemanly. I payed for our drinks, I’m just that type of girl, I don’t like to let people pay all the time. Then we started to walk back to his house. My heart started to beat faster. I got really nervous and tried to make any excuse not to go back to his house. I started to shake. My friends freaked me out about the possibility of me getting hurt again. But I took a deep breath and followed.

      His house totally wasn’t scary. It looked like a typical college guy house, shared with 4 other people of course. It was a little messy, and I will not lie smelled like weed, but other than that it was pretty nice. As he started to give me the tour of his house we stop in his bed room. I totally freaked out again. I think he felt that though, cause as soon as he sat on his bed he said “Oh we totally don’t have to stay in here”. Which was an extremely big relief, I just kept thinking “Oh I hope he realizes I’m not down to hookup”. We went to go sit on his couch.

      BELOW IS THE BIG EMBARRASSING STORY YOU WANT TO READ. Okay so we were on his couch watching Netflix and chilling (not in that way you cheeky buggers), and we start to inch closer and closer together and eventually hes got his arm around me and I have my leg wrapped around his. Then he leans over and kisses me, which is totally fine and dandy. He was a REALLY good kisser though, any who back to the story, we were kissing and his roommate comes home and totally caught us making out. I was so embarrassed. I slid really far away from the guy I was kissing, and he awkwardly introduced us. We both had so much slobber on our mouths, I tried to slyly wipe mine off. Thank god the roommate got the hint and instantly went to his room and shut the door.

      This guy was pretty respectable for the remainder of our date. Only one time I had to tell him that I needed to take things slow was when we were cuddling. At one point he said, “Sorry I need to stretch”, stretches super dramatically and moves me from the side of him to me all the way on top of him. Which honestly I didn’t mind it. It’s just I have feelings for him, and I don’t want him to think I’m easy to get at. So I straight up said to him, “Sorry I need to take things slow”. Which instantly after he shoves me off he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Which honestly was awkward and weird.

     He had to go to work at 4 so we hung out until just about 10 minutes before he had to leave. The last 20 minutes or so of hanging out we didn’t really talk. We just kinda touched each other and sat in silence.

      He walked me back to my car. No kiss goodbye. Just ended there. Overall I’d say it was a pretty nice date. Now I just wait for the text for possible date three.

Enjoy your day saucy minx’s

-N

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Date Two

Okay. So this is going to be a really long story. Mainly about date 1, but let's start with some background. I live in a very small town. Less than 30,000 people, and I'm three hours away from Los Angeles. On my birthday I decided to download tinder, I already know how this sounds like a mistake, but I actually met one really nice guy on there. I've never met anyone from online in real life. But he felt so broken and perfect in a hard to explain way. When I would message him, my heart kinda hurt. I fell for him. So we meet about a month and a half later, we're complete dorks together. We both have the worst sense of humor ever but it works in a lovely way :). He made sexual jokes all night, which honestly isn't an issue for me, and grabbed my waist in that "sweet spot" when we we're walking. Date two, we have agreed to meet up and hangout at his house. Which, I already know this sounds like a crappy idea, but we're both broke college kids. For reasons I may or may not choose to state on this blog, he knows why I'm very apprehensive to go over to other guys houses. I have this feeling of trust when I'm around him. He has assured me many times that he's not going to do what happened to me. Which, honestly, I believe him. But a voice in the back of my head whispers not too.

[ablogfromaconfusedperson]

Welcome to My Weird Ass Journey as a Person

Hello. Okay so I don’t know how blogs work. I’m a sucky writer. But I’m going to tell you my adventures, my dates, drama, and so much more. Stick around for this weird ass ride that I'm going to call my life. Ps all stories are true. Love you little wild animals, N.