awaiting hypnopompia @abodywithorgans - Tumblr Blog

i have sorely underestimated how long it will take me to adjust to my new housing circumstances. there is much to look forward to but it feels inaccessible or otherwise constrained for now.

it's so tempting to do too much... i will only sing for another five minutes absolutely certainly truly yes. the piano i will play for a similarly small time. no deleterious effect will be experienced re: vocal fatigue or finger stiffness! rahhh

#if i acquire enough sufficiently different hobbies with this nature i could do a big circle

i'm fairly tidy, that is, i leave things fairly tidy but have become aware that i have messy intermediate states. so, i am starting consciously to play with a style of neatness-throughout. some of the intermediate mess is intrinsic to a doing, but some can be tidied prior to the end of a doing, closer to or actually replacing the mess-making moment. hmm...

queerness was, and continues to be, really useful to me as a framework for constructing my own selfhood. it was not a discovery of "what i always was" except in the way that the then-current state of me, and my knowledge of that, was necessarily tangled up in the process of change. i mean, i could happily have proceeded under the guise of guyhood! i still could if i so wished! there are multiple self-conceptions that would have successfully made a happier and more functional me.

i am becoming about as city as a person can be! there are trains and trams so proximate, there are neighbours above me and below me and this new axis of neighbourhood is rendered accessible by the elevators (three) that have infiltrated my life by the ingenious means of servicing the apartment complex into which i moved. um. i know increasingly of unassuming but excellent restaurants. i can get you the most delectable agedashi tofu, the most luxurious japchae... or there's a gelateria that has queues upwards of thirty minutes at night – but not so much during the day, when i might happen to walk errandly by!

quibbling about "major depression" because i've only been depressed for a year so my depression has not had the time to develop a name for itself or to become pre-eminent in its field, which makes "major" quite the overstatement...

quibbling about "generalised anxiety disorder" because i don't have a truly general anxiety, only a wide array of quite particular anxieties that do not cover the full scope of anxiety-dimensional space

alack that i am yet to make a friend who both a) likes being squeezed so much as me and b) appears any more than a couple times a year

#and thus the hugposting concludes #back to other things

for a while i thought i liked hugs and such so much that i wanted them for themselves and would happily hug or be hugged by anyone or at least by some fair percentage, but austere criteria have emerged from my internal committees of fondness and affection to put a stopper against all that. i'm narrow again.

the extent to which i would like to hug and be hugged is quite perverse. monomaniacal, fixated. but it's really very lovely.

all to say, i'm rather unsexual but i do experience hug lust (i want to hug my closest dearest friends for very long durations)

i think a lot about and have been quite influenced by my feelings of attraction and fondness but am left unsatisfied or confused by those things that are most archetypically sexual, so i tend not to think in those terms

twice now in three weeks, vague acquaintances of mine have expressed a substantial interest in my aerials-ing. one explicitly said it was a sexy thing to do but i don't do it for sexy reasons. basically the diversity of human movement is beautiful and worthwile and i am trying to participate in that but i'm a dilettante.

i've been packing, packing. people like to sort things when they move house, that's why it takes so long. moving could be so fast if we lived lives that did not neglect those certain sortings until such times as these. my kitchen stuff, mingled in with the former housemate, took a terribly long time. my room was a swifter experience. i could be better...

#individually wrapping breakables takes a long time also

a new circus friend of mine just got a two year job contract in some middle-of-nowhere michigan location. this is the first time someone i know has up and gone to another country. there was a farewell party and a nice goodbye. they don't leave for another month so i could organise a lunch with them maybe? we haven't lunched before, only circus'd. they might be back eventually or they might be gone forever! who knows!

competent and generous only in frivolous domains, which is a great source of meaning in her life. she's not done something wrong, merely declines to do some somethings good... does somethings bad that are basically fine. and with a non-interference and a shutting her eyes, a pointing her eyes so emphatically elsewhere, so beautifully elsewhere, it's la la la. she is happy, she makes her friends a little happier. the world is cruel in other places.

i might (?!) soon be living with my very dearest friend

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awaiting hypnopompia