[abreathlessword]

Honestly I thought after all this time that your words would fill me more with relief or validation than remorse, but you have always had a way of surprising me despite your rigid disposition. Closure is a luxury in some cases, and a slap in the face in others. I think we are somewhere in the middle. There is a grave satisfaction that comes with knowing that you still think about me, about me writhing underneath you, and that no one has ever compared. What a pity that you refuse a life of passion and nail marks, for one filled with solitude. Even more pitiful of me to relish that I’m the one you call when you’re lonely. Though palm trees and state lines keep me safe, just knowing I am in your thoughts is enough to make me weak. One glance into your blue eyes and I would crumble and splinter into a thousand pieces on your floor. One look into mine, and your hands would be in my hair before I could even whisper “hello.” What a strange story to tell with someone and give to the world in melodies and poems. The tale of two souls that found each other in this lifetime, but cannot yet handle the implications of what that means. I’m sure I will find you again in the next life. Will we finally have atoned for whatever we’ve done, and get it right? A lifetime of breathing kisses down your neck sounds like a wonderful reprieve from whatever the hell this is. Suddenly our conversation doesn’t feel much like closure anymore.

-a. f. j.

[abreathlessword]

You ruined that town for me

Lined every inch of it with disgust and the sickening feeling of my heart melting into the concrete will maybe leave a stain of our love

But they’ll just paint over it

—I don’t blame them, it’s tainted and lost all its beauty anyway

[abreathlessword]

I wish the images in my mind were still and unmoving like a Polaroid, but instead it is as if they are arranged on a film reel that’s spinning way too quickly. I’m left only getting glimpses of my own memories until they can’t even be seen at all, just felt in the deepest parts of me. Is it you that I’m feeling slip away—or myself? Finding you in dreams used to bring me comfort but now it feels more like an omen of loss, and I’m the biggest loser because instead of losing you, or love, or memories, the only thing left to lose is myself. I will keep searching for both of us, and hope the universe rewards our souls in the next lifetime. Even when the spinning reel becomes faster than a blink, I will never be able to forget you, and everything we are meant to be.

-a. f. j.

[support]

One legitimately weird thing about Tumblr is that we literally can’t code for shit, many people quit working at Tumblr due to a hostile work environment, and we can’t seem to program a simple blogging website to not flood your RAM.

[monopoison3r]

nearing the 10 year anniversary of banishing editable reblogs

[shisasan]

April 13, 1913 Letters to Felice by Franz Kafka First published : 1973

[ahotknife]

oh emily wilson translation of the iliad we’re really in it now

[abreathlessword]

My girl—it will happen when you least expect it. Not because you’ve stopped looking, or even if you have. You’ll meet him and you’ll know. You will hang on his every word, but still keep that fire of your own that makes him just as intrigued as you are. That silly spark they talk about in books and movies, you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach, or when your hands first touch, or maybe even when your eyes first meet, but you’ll feel it, girl. And you’ll know. Because it won’t be forced, it’ll come out of the blue and it will make everything leading up to that moment worth it. Stop waiting, dear one, and start living.

-a.f.j.

[cosmonautroger]

[mesetacadre]

biased journalism is the only type of journalism that exists and I hope for your sanity you can accept that

[mesetacadre]

no such thing as neutrality in the scientific process either

[abreathlessword]

30 (It Gets Better)

When they say ‘it gets better’ you think once you’re in your twenties it will do exactly that. I am saddened and humbled that while not true, the wait and come up is so much sweeter the longer it takes. I may not yet be where I desire to be, but I am finally in the place to make what I dream a reality. I wake up with tears sometimes, but not because I can’t believe my life is really mine and I’m so disconnected and feel so much disdain, but because I cannot believe that my life is real and it is mine. And I’m grateful for that for the first time in my life. It may have taken me longer, but my story is no less important. I am proof that it does get better. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. I am reshaping and molding myself to become me. I am not defined by other’s expectations, or society’s standards, or your little box. I am not dependent on what anyone thinks, but my own thoughts are fueling a fire that is going to light this world aflame. There is a power in all of us, our light in the world, and once you find yours, it doesn’t just get better, it becomes ethereal.

-a. f. j.

[vltra7-deactivated20231230]

The psychosis of still being on tumblr

[trollprincess]

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

[trollprincess]

Me getting slammed with notifications on this post in particular:

[abreathlessword]

I let go

Of their expectations, of plans, of preconceived notions, of ladders to climb, of those that reminded me of the parts of myself I hated. I let go of the dead weight around me, and within me. I chipped away at it all until there was almost nothing left and I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror looking back at me. It got dark, and cold, and there were moments I questioned why I put myself in such a place of excruciating enlightenment and then one day something clicked. To be the woman I want to become, I just have to do it. And so I did. I climbed the ladder and made it over the top, I exceeded my own expectations and said to hell with everyone else’s. I found the parts of myself I love and discerned how to manipulate the parts of myself that are no longer hated, but now have room to grow and change into what they’re meant to be. I became, and will forever be becoming, the best version of a women I didn’t know even had the ability to exist, but God I’m thankful she made it through.

I let go, and all my dreams became real.

-a. f. j.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

– Audrey Hepburn

[abreathlessword]

I have waited for you my entire life—I will wait with you through this. I am desperate to kiss you deeply, to leave more than a soft trail on your skin with my fingers, to fully show you my love knows no bounds and our love can change the world, at least our little part of the world, perfect and simple and enough, more than enough. But I have felt the fire when you touch me, our beginning was a forest fire, and I feel the flames flicker with every peck goodnight or goodbye. I will wait with you through this because I remember the warmth, but it is taking a lot more out of me than I thought it would to not turn cold. But you.. you are a star in the sky, the brightest, the one I follow home, and the heat you radiate overtakes me, and makes me desperate to share in it like we used to. Since you told me you loved me too, I have thought of nothing but devouring you with all my heart and lips have to endure but I will wait. Until you are ready again. I can’t blame you really, I don’t think either of us is ready for the explosion that’s coming our way now that we have been chosen and have chosen to love each other. I have waited to love you my entire life, and I will be with you through anything. Just please remember to not let me go cold before you’re ready to caress me again.

a. f. j.

[abreathlessword]

29

How can it be possible to be more afraid of the numbers than I have ever been? There are more thoughts, more struggles, more p o u n d s and I don’t know how to manage the latter. I am happy. I have a better job, I have a better home, my heart is taken by the most wonderful and forgiving man, and I can dip my toes in the Florida sand and find coral and God’s beauty in everything but my reflection. I used to be good at math but now the numbers are all blurry and my mind goes numb just seeing numbers on a page because somehow they remind me of the all too clear ones on the scale. The people that say I look better, I look healthy, don’t see inside my mind. It is a war zone that is covered in mustard gas and gangrene and there is no escaping the destruction.

-a. f. j.

[girlgerard]

that ‘when mcr say they want to be dangerous they really mean gay’ post is hilarious but also like. yes. exactly. that’s what they were going for. that was on purpose.

[girlgerard]

i’m really not joking in the slightest btw. people forget how violent and rigid the mid to early 2000s were against queer people and women. mcr getting onstage led by someone who bent gender roles so harshly they triggered an entire generation of trans crises and proceeding to kiss each other and sing about gay sex and specifically cater their audience to center queer kids. that was a very very in your face style of protest. when they say dangerous they DO mean gay. what they were doing put targets on their back. they knew exactly what that meant and what it was there for.

[girlgerard]

stage gay was not profitable! femininity was not profitable! none of that shit helped their PR and in fact was a threat to their safety! they had bottles thrown at them and slurs hurled in their direction! mcr was DANGEROUS! and they embraced that because they and all the other queer kids that listened to them were in that line of fire no matter what.

[anexperimentallife]

I think a lot of young people don't realize that in the late 90s, an actor coming out as queer could (and did) get TV shows canceled, or that queer musicians (like Melissa Etheridge) were REQUIRED by their labels or agents to stay closeted, lest they risk their entire careers. TV and movies worked the same way.

Yes, some celebrities came out much earlier, but that was only relatively safe for megastars like Bowie and Elton John, who were already riding decades-long careers. When George Michael--one of the biggest pop stars of his day--was outed, his career took a serious hit, as did his mental and emotional health.

So yeah. I'm not even sure I'd recognize an MCR song if I heard one (although I like Way's comic work, and I keep intending to listen to MCR), but I've got a lot of respect for the way they comported themselves.