I think I'm aromantic, but I still want the same intimacy and intensity from a relationship, just not romantically. Sometimes I'll find someone to share that intimacy and intensity with, but then they'll find a significant other and I'll become their 2nd favorite by default. Am I a bad person for craving the intimacy and intensity? Is there someone who feels the same way as me? How can I find them?
Apologies on the wait, anon. This has been sitting in drafts for a couple of days, because I wanted to make sure everything was worded to the best of my abilities. I’m still learning about all of this, too, but I want to help as much as I can.First off, you’re absolutely not a bad person for wanting intimacy and intensity from a relationship with someone. I know it’s tough not to feel selfish sometimes, especially since society has this wild idea that only romantic relationships are deserving of that level of emotional intensity. But it’s society that’s the problem, not you.What you’re describing sounds like you may want a QPR (quasi-platonic relationship), which is a non-romantic relationship with the same sense of closeness and commitment as you would find in your typical romantic setup. The concept is close to that of Platonic Life Partners, but what really sets it apart is that this gives it a specific name, and in doing so acknowledges the importance and priority of the relationship, bringing a stronger sense of security that it won’t be pushed aside in favor of a romantic one.QPRs can involve other aspects that are usually reserved for romantic relationships (e.g physical affection such as cuddling, hand-holding, and kissing) if wanted, but by no means is that a requirement, and the specifics of what the relationship entails are up to the individuals involved. (Likewise, the involvement of those behaviors would not invalidate the distinct, non-romantic nature of the relationship.)Currently, the term used to describe wanting a QPR with someone is alterous attraction. Defined as a desire for emotional closeness that is neither fully platonic nor romantic, the two were originally deemed separate concepts from one another due to differences in what individuals considered a QPR to be, but over time they became synonymous. Alterous relationships are sometimes considered to be a specific subset of QPRs, but aside from personal preference, the distinction is not necessarily one that needs to be made, or even one that can be made for some.(I’m but one mere person on the internet, though, and I’ve only recently come across this term myself. So if it speaks to you so far from this explanation, I suggest checking out blogs such as @alterousasteroid and @alterous-albatross since they’re the biggest info hubs I know of regarding all things alterous. Because it’s a relatively new and unused term there’s bound to be some conflicting information, but hey, it’s a start)While you can enter a QPR with an individual of any orientation, it may be more of a challenge to successfully build and maintain this type of relationship with someone who isn’t arospec. Be prepared for a lot of explanation- the concept isn’t easy for everyone to wrap their heads around, and can lead to very circular conversations with a whole lot of confusion and frustration. It’s ironic in an annoying way that the type of bond at the foundation of these relationships is a fairly common occurrence, but because it’s generally only focused on as top priority by arospec peeps, it suddenly becomes this foreign idea from another galaxy once you try and give it the level of meaning that gets so easily assigned to any other committed relationship. A lot of nonaros (we need a better term for this, honestly) might balk at the idea because they think it means they can’t still seek out a romantic partner, but the setup of a QPR is made specifically to allow for that- in all likelihood, it’ll only be mutually exclusive if the involved parties are aroace, or at least aroace-spec. Of course, that takes even more explanation…But it’s not impossible, trust me. I’ve had a successful one, and with any luck I’ll be able to have another someday if life wills it.So no, you’re not the only one who feels this way. The easiest way to find others who may share this experience is to look towards online communities containing or geared towards aspecs, or even by taking initiative and building a space yourself, though it’s entirely possible that one will find you when you least expect it. Life has a funny way of doing that sometimes.You’re not alone, and I believe in you.