Distress & Beauty

Wish you wouldn't, but bet you will. All the beauty in the world and the ugly of mine.

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Happy No Fucks Given Year

As much as I want to write an inspirational New Year post right now, I'm finding it incredibly hard to say anything remotely cheerful or positive. Bottom line is that every year we find ourselves with a false hope of a new plate to which we can start a new and become a “new you”, I hate that saying more than I hate pretending that this new year is going to be anything than disappointing. So Happy New Year, scum bags. From the worlds biggest pessimistic asshole.

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Unspoken Intentions.

One of the hardest things to deal with or understand is that many people will treat you as they please, as they see fit. Some won't take you into consideration. You won't know the intentions of the people who surround you, its a hard feeling to learn to accept. Be the person with your heart on your sleeve. There is too many heartless assholes out there.

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Saw this couple who are so in love.. Not only with each other but with God as well. Makes me so anxious to find that someone for me. Where you hiding, handsome?

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I loved you but it was stupid & useless.

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Fuck your standards.

I don't want to be popular if that means not being myself. People are to involved in being someone that everyone wants to be, rather than being who they are. Stay true to yourself, kids. Don't let them get you down. I'll be down for ya. Much love.

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Could really use you.

I know you're out there. The person who someday I spend the rest of my days with. I refuse to settle with someone who isn't worth a minute of my life. God, send him to me. I could really use him.

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It's been long, but somethings never change.

Seriously, after this long you would think I would be over it. I would be happy & be prospering. I'm only half way to where I want to be. Which is an amazing accomplishment.... But as we all know, half way is still a long way to go. Like I said, it's an uphill battle.

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I would erase you from my mind in a heart beat.

There is not many people I would love to rip out of my life, my head, my heart, but you, you have ripped me apart. You have torn me down without even flinching. If I could achieve one thing right now, I would love for myself to grow, to leave my bitterness I feel for you in my old self. I’m working on being better.

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Something else I'm scared to press send on.

I know I said I don't expect you to say anything but then again I expected you to be smart enough to know maybe you should. Well, other than "it was cool". I've been trying to talk to you but I haven't really found the right time... I probably haven't wanted to find the right time. I don't think that whatever this is, will work out. At all. I knew that from the start... I just wanted to buy some time, I guess. I wanted to say bye. I didn't ever get that. A solid, bye I wish you luck & I hope to never see you again. Not because I never want to see you again but because the universe owes me atleast that after this mess.

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Twists

The way life twists you all over the place, the way that you can stay still but be so far from where you are inside. I don’t know where to be or if I’m in the place I should be. All I want is to know the intentions of the people around me. Im trying to be better than I feel & brighter than I am. How do you start over after being torn down?

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Hold back your bitter.

I can’t get over the fact that I can’t get over you. I sit here & wonder why life hands you people that are only going to take advantage of a persons good nature. I love being kind, I need to work on being humble, & I need to learn to let go. As life moves forward I see all the distress & beauty in this world, but I slowly start to realize one takes over the other so very often. I can’t lie most of my life I’ve focused on the ugly & the distress, I so often become overwhelmed with the feeling of being a victim to the world. I am not a victim to the world, nor am I a victim to the ugly buried within people. I’m the victim to my ugly, I am a victim to the way I look at life sometimes. The battle I need to over come is the one living within myself. All I want is to move forward & only look back to the things that have made me a better person, not the things that have made me a bitter person.

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Never knowing you.

Pondering the thought of what had happened, suffocating on the truth of never knowing. Didn't you ever stop to consider what you're loosing.

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Never ending unknown.

I think I should let you go. But really let you go this time. I'm so sick of waiting. Waiting for you to maybe be the right person. To atleast be the person that I thought you were. I don't want to make you something that you're not..... I just want you to atleast be worthy of my love.. Not that my love is so sacred that it needs to be worthy of only a spectacular person... It just need to be compensated by a person with the same intent as my own. I love you more than you'll ever know. I spend my nights thinking about you & all those other silly illusions of happy endings. Or atleast one that doesn't hurt as bad. Maybe someday, love. For now I'll leave this as a plea for my sanity & hope for peace of mind.

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Catch you later, babes.

I thought people fought for people they loved? Love is not a fairytale though. You don't always get a perfect ending. & like all of ours, I'm left here debating if you ever felt a hint of love for me. I expect to much from a person... I should just let you live your life. I'll step back of course... I always do. I'll just miss you every step of life's long journey. I hope you become just as happy as you want to be & I hope I do too. Uphill battle, baby. Maybe I'll catch you on the flipside.

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Shattered once again.

As I sit here waiting for a text that won't happen, I wonder why it's so fucking hard to just love me correctly. Why it feels like I'm being taken advantage of. All I want is your love... You couldn't care less about me. If you did, you would see how much you hurt me. I should just move on. LET ME MOVE ON.

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I'm tangled in your game.

I love you more than I should. I don’t understand how things got this bad. All I wanted was to be with you…. I can tell you’ll always lie to me. I won’t be able to deal with that forever. You are comfort but maybe I should be set free. All I know is that I'll always love you.

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I want you to love me.

-someone who loves you-