I know you haven’t heard from me in a long time. I still have some of your messages in my inbox and it has been absolutely heart-warming to see some of you check up on me.
My creative brain turned off for a long time and when it turned back on, I focused on my book. By January 2026, the book will be done. Like, actually finished. I have no way to publish it yet and I have to figure that out (advice is absolutely welcome), but oh my god I wrote a whole ass book?!
You—all of you—have pushed me to do this. Your feedback, your kindness, your time. My writing style has changed a lot over the years and I’d like to think I improved a lot. I hope to maybe find a way to channel it back into writing on here, but it’s difficult staying original when there is already so much written. I can at least promise you I will never delete the work I posted on here.
From the bottom of my heart: thank you. You have been nothing but kind to me, even when I wasn’t there. By allowing me to write, you got me to tap into something I used to love doing as a child.
This is such a serious post, I’m sorry! All of this being said, if you are interested in purchasing my book when I manage to publish it → LIKE this post.
Hi darling! I’m alright. I’m in a process to get my health back to what it was. I barely have energy to write. When I do, I’m working on my book (which is really coming along now). I’m sorry I haven’t been present and somewhere I hope I still have many loyal followers left for when I’m ready to bring out more writing.
Thank you so much for not forgetting me and checking up on me. I wish I had more to give. Hope you’re well 💛
Hello my darlings! I haven’t forgotten about you and I see all of your messages in my inbox. However, my physical health is not too great at the moment and my energy mainly goes into all the basic stuff like my job and errands and other responsibilities. I have so many ideas but zero energy to type them out. I hope to have it all figured out soon, but I wanted you guys to get an update. Talk to you soon, hopefully!
Unfortunately, my health is still kind of a problem, but I really hope to start writing again this year. Most of the writing I’ve been doing has been for my book. I humbly ask all of you to stick around and I promise to try and make it worth it. For now, happy new year 💛
this is so random and pointless, feel free to ignore, but i swear to god in Stay Quiet (no i have not been reading it literally every night for months now, who said that) i swear you changed “So you are listening” to “So he is listening” and “Your girl?” to “His girl?” this is so stupid but i kind of feel like i’m going insane. and if you did change it, imagine how often i must read it to notice that swap.
Oh darling, you are not going insane. My writing style has changed over the course of time that I’ve had this blog. I occasionally reread my own work in the hope that it inspires me or motivates me to write new stuff - it usually doesn’t, because I end up criticising myself and my writing. My English, my grammar and punctuation has gotten so much better though, so when I reread it, I usually edit out the strange sentences, correct typos and fix a certain flow to a sentence with a fresh pair of eyes.
That being said, you have to keep a close eye on my work to notice this and truly, this is insanely flattering. I literally changed it yesterday and I thought my blog had turned into some sort of wasteland, so no one would ever notice. You have an insanely good eye! I hope I didn’t ruin the fic for you though and that you agree with the changes I made…
Still patiently waiting for your sex pollen fic 🤞🏽
I may have written a start of it. But you know me, I am a sucker for a slow-burn. Expect something akin to Sniper and expect it to take a while. I promise I'll deliver!
To me the sexiest smut stories are the one with feelings.. heavy feelings between reader and bucky that can be perceived during the sexual act. I am a sucker for this lmao even tho sometimes I enjoy reading make up sex 🔥
When he is angry but also horny but also protective
These are all of my fics with feelings:
Finally
Three Hundred
Mr. and Mrs. Barnes
And all of my series:
Rebellion (ongoing)
Pride & Privacy
Spill It
And they are the most popular, so I should probably dive into that more. I'll keep it in mind, sweetheart :)
I remember you once said that you have a concept for a part two in your drafts to the Nick Fowler oneshot the other anon mentioned the other day. If you don’t feel like writing it anymore, could you share the concept with us? That Oneshot used to be one of my favorites of yours.
I can't believe you remember that! And yes, that idea has haunted me till this day. I have it in my mind so vividly - I just have to get myself to write it. My idea was: Nick Fowler has been arrested and is stuck in a highly secured prison. Reader goes undercover as a guard to break him out. Or perhaps the other way around??
I read Spill It when it first came out and I was HOOKED! literally amazing writing, not a single day goes by when I don't think about it, and now its a 4 part story??? when I tell you I DEVOURED it in one sitting I mean it
no that fanfic singlehandedly changed the very course of my life and is the main reason I've become such an avid enjoyer of bucky barnes x plus-sized reader, and I also began writing in part because of Spill It.
so thank you for inspiring me to write and all the amazing work u do.
love you loads !!!!
-k
Oh my god, HI! That series is genuinely so important to me and the way that it still resonates with people and that people still mention it to me, is the loveliest thing as a writer!!
I'm so glad you felt like you could lean into more plus sized reader fics. It's so important to feel comfortable as you are, and I can imagine they help so much. But the biggest compliment might be that I inspired you to write, because WHAT A FLEX!! Good job honey, I hope you still really enjoy writing :)
change your username, because you do not provide ‘a drink to stop my thirst’ you make me thirstier than i’ve ever been in my life. the police are on their way to arrest you for false advertising, see you in court.
I'll be wearing my sluttiest outfit in court. See you there, bubba!
heyy, hope ur feeling amazing! just wanted to let you know that ur fics are literally keeping me alive. u write bucky so well and in general ur amazing.
This is so lovely, darling, thank you! I never imagine my writing having that much of an effect on someone, so I really appreciate this. Hope you're well :)
Plot: The attack you suffered wasn't at all what either of you expected. Sharing a bed with Bucky is the least of your problems.
Warning: 18+. Angst, violence (!alluding to non-con!) and smut.
Words: 3,70O
It’s frustrating – to be so tired and not to be able to fall asleep. You’re forced to watch the orange lights travel over the ceiling with every vehicle that passes. Forced to feel the presence of Bucky behind you. And forced to be unable to look at him, read his mind, or even know if sleep has found him at least. You’d guess hours have passed, but the sun would be up. When Bucky was treating the wound on your thigh – only an enjoyable, throbbing ache left of the pain – it had been 3am.
Summer is making you feel sticky. It’s making the noises from outside overly loud and the albeit passable hotel feel stuffy. You’ve already kicked off the sheets and moved your hair as much from your skin as possible.
Then, you realise the gift of getting to complain about such luxurious things. There was a time not too long ago where you were locked up and never imagined getting to feel a change in temperature, or watch vehicles pass by that other people drove. People with lives, with purpose. There was time where you were so preoccupied with getting to the next day, making sure your people made it to the next day, making a bigger statement than the last – there was no time to be nervous about a super soldier sleeping in the bed with you.
Because you are – nervous. It’s ridiculous, to feel like a teenage girl next to a handsome man. A handsome man who doesn’t seem ruffled by you at all. There is… flirtation. And it’s surprisingly easy with him. The last time you had flirtation like that with anyone, you hardly remember. Besides, it’s terribly fun to rile him up all the time, and to know that at any time he will come back with something just as sharp.
You dare a glance in his direction, almost certain he’s asleep, and then you pause. He does seem asleep, but deeply uncomfortable. Light from outside reflects on the sheen of sweat on his face and chest, there seem to be tremors going through his body.
Lifting a hand to his shoulder carefully, you hope not to startle him. He groans lowly at the touch, relief on his face at what you assume is the coolness of your skin. Because he’s burning.
“Bucky,” you whisper, a slight plea in your tone as you sit up a little.
He moans your name softly as he writhes and find out he’s awake after all.
“Hey,” you coo softly, peeling the sheets off of him to get him some reprieve. “What’s going on? Did you get hit?”
He seems slightly dazed and finally he crawls to sit up against the headboard. His chest is heaving with shallow breaths and it takes him a while to drag his eyes to yours. You haven’t seen him so… pliant before. It’s so unlike him.
Clearly, it takes him too much effort to think of tonight’s events and come up with an answer to your question, so you drag your eyes over every inch of his body to see if there are any wounds you might have missed.
But nothing.
Bucky seems to have caught on to your quest and shakes his head, running a metal hand through his sweaty hair. “No, nothing got me.”
“But you’re burning up,” you counter and climb off the bed, flicking on a light. His face pinches together at the overstimulation and a shudder rolls through his body. “Are you in pain?”
He thinks for a second and that is answer enough for you. Bucky is the type of man to say ‘no’ first and then check if he actually has pain, only to proceed to ignore it until it dissipates. You grab your phone to start searching for something, anything, that might help you figure this out. If it manages to affect Bucky this much, it can’t be good.
However, you get sidetracked by the dozen missed calls and an urgent text from Sam to call him back as soon as possible. You frown, feeling Bucky’s curious eyes on you, and call Sam.
“Sam,” you start, pressing the screen to put the phone on speaker, “you said to call you back. What’s wrong?”
“We wanted to know if you saw anything suspicious tonight at the party,” he answers.
“Why?” Bucky manages to get out.
“There have been more casualties,” he says and you lock eyes with Bucky, his turning empathetic at the realisation. “There is a number of people who have started acting strangely, almost manic. Most of them have passed away mere hours later. At first, we couldn’t figure out what it was, but along their expected injuries from the bombing, they each had a tiny pinprick on their bodies.”
“A pinprick?” you ask, brows furrowed. That would insinuate an injection, which is an odd thing to incur. Unless there was a bigger scheme at play at the gala tonight.
Bucky speaks up now, all of a sudden sounding more alert, “Did you find out what people got injected with?” His mind must go the same place yours has and you run your assessing gaze over his heated skin again. Dread settles in your stomach. Any trace of a pin prick would have vanished on a fast-healing body…
“We have the last subjects under investigation now and Natasha is trying to hack into systems to find something. You have to get back here as soon as possible.” Sam sounds worried.
“Sam,” you start and Bucky’s eyes go to you in question, turning icy when he hears your next words, “Bucky has a fever.”
…
The ride back to the nearest bunker is painfully long. Bucky’s skin is throbbing and he’s certain he can feel every pump of blood pressing through his veins. Dull thumps echo through his ears with every fast pound of his heart, the organ seemingly working overtime. He’s sweating, but so cold. It feels like there’s ice running over his skin and lava in his core. Trying to keep himself upright has been a challenge. He wants to sink, and sink, and sink until his head is on your chest and you will stroke his hair.
Your voice is sharp as it penetrates Bucky’s heavy daze, announcing that you have finally arrived at the bunker assigned for you. Going to the compound would take too long, Sam insisted, so you dragged Bucky to the car and drove off to your assigned location. You hoist him out of the car, trying to hold his weight and muttering some words of comfort. Bucky tries his best to walk, dragging his feet over the ground, the gravel loud in the silence of your current spot. You must be really isolated.
The bunker is fairly modern and well-stocked. After another injection you found in one of the medical cabinets and a comfortable bed to lie in, things had started to clear up for Bucky.
Finally awake and seemingly level-headed, Bucky turns his heavy head to you, lounging on the chair beside him, just as a massive yawn rips over your face. He opens his mouth to speak, but halts when you sit up with your eyes on your phone. He follows your gaze and watches you unlock your phone to a FaceTime call with Natasha, Sam and a doctor whose name Bucky has forgotten.
They look tormented.
“I’ll cut to the chase,” Natasha explains and bites her lip. Bucky braces himself. “I managed to break into the file system of the government branch that is responsible for the attack. There were a few objectives to their mission at the gala: to scare, to warn and to research.” All of a sudden you’re holding a set of files and Bucky assumes it is a copy of whatever Natasha has found and faxed over to the middle of nowhere. “Apparently, they have been sitting on a serum that they want to use in the future. There was pressure on getting it developed faster, but they couldn’t get it tested ethically. They came up with a plan to test the effects of the serum during an attack where they would scare any resistance to their movement, hoping they could study the effects – no matter how severe they would be – and everyone else would assume that complications must be from the attack, and no one would ever look their way.”
Bucky looks at you as your eyes scan the files and the look on your face is anything but reassuring. You look at Natasha like he isn’t even there and Bucky’s composure is failing him.
“I’m feeling better,” he tries.
Natasha sighs and you turn to him in the chair, leaving the phone on a stand. You flip through the files and start reading a certain paragraph, “All subjects run a fever high enough to kill them. Only 15 percent of the subjects survive against all odds, confirming that the serum does awaken a primal survival instinct. Group one, the subjects that were isolated from others, show extreme discomfort and start pleasuring themselves to get rid of it. Group two, the subjects that were put together, either killed each other or started having intercourse to relieve the pain and discomfort. None of them hesitated in following their carnal desires. Group three, subjects exposed to non-subjects, went to highly unethical lengths to stop their discomfort, similar to group two…” Your voice drifts off to a soft murmur and you are set on not making eye-contact with Bucky, much to his dismay.
“What else?” he grits out.
“It continues to say that the serum’s goal is to reduce people to their carnal desires and primal instincts in the hopes of making them more pliant and susceptible to directions,” you explain slowly and Bucky can tell it pains you to read it out. “The problem seems to be that the subjects don’t become pliant – they become unhinged… Eventually forcing scientists to eliminate the remaining subjects.” You pause and frown. Then share a worried look with Natasha, who nods. “Their next step would be to find out how the serum would affect ‘super humans’.” The room falls silent and you look up at him. Bucky has gone hard as stone, not an emotion left in him. “You were targeted.”
…
He hasn’t said anything in hours and you keep scanning your eyes over him. Up and down, up and down – hoping to find any clue as to how he’s doing. The call ended with the clear instructions to leave Bucky in the room alone and lock yourself away. You stuck around, reading through the entire report over and over, in case you might find something to help him. He’s been pacing since the call ended.
Normally, you’d choose the approach of giving Bucky time and space until he feels ready to talk about how he’s feeling or what his observations are. However, patience and time for that matter, are not on your side today. Dr. Wen made it perfectly clear that there is a window of time before chaos breaks loose and you need to calculate just how bad the repercussions will be of Bucky’s exposure.
You know Bucky enough – know how much he has been through – which makes it that much more difficult to estimate how well he will be able to fight the substance. He can fight a lot, manage through manipulations that most people would easily fall for or succumb to. But this, possibly made for super soldiers like him, this is different. This substance promises to fight each of his bodily functions that keep that primal instinct at bay – to keep him contained. Part of you wonders how much his primal self is attached to the Winter Soldier. Because if Hydra’s Asset comes out, you are officially done for.
You can’t really leave – won’t leave. Not with a new trickle of sweat rolling down Bucky’s temple, his fists clenching and his teeth grinding together in discomfort. No, you won’t leave him alone. You’re not sure how the substance will affect him, but you’ll stick with him. People have abandoned him too many times and this is too similar to what he’s already been through to leave him fending for himself. Besides, you know what it’s like to be left alone when you need people the most.
“Bucky?” you rasp and his eyes settle on yours.
Your breath hitches in your throat at that look in his eyes, the deep shadow his brow casts over his eyes and the taut look of his bone structure. Bucky visibly swallows and takes a breath of restraint. You think maybe your call didn’t register in his brain at the conflicted look on his face, but his mouth opens before you can try again.
“Run.”
Blood running cold and spine going rigid, you gape at the man before you.
“What.” It comes out as a whisper.
Bucky grits his teeth and you don’t know how you missed the obvious signals of his body that showcase a supernatural amount of restraint. This man is fighting demons you cannot even imagine. You take a step forward to console him, but his hand grabs the nearest aluminium table and his fingers curl so tightly that the material bends. You freeze.
“I need you to run,” he chokes.
You shake your head. “Bucky, the report said it heightens instinct and primal need. Your instinct isn’t to kill me. I don’t think you’ll hurt me.”
Bucky’s nostrils flare and his head drops. He heaves a deep sigh, as if tired to have to explain it to you. He gathers something, maybe courage, to tell you, but decides against it in the end. “I said: run.”
A ripple of agony goes through him, visible by the tight clench of his bare abdomen. His muscles are tense, his pupils blown to dark pits and his veins are protruding from his skin. You don’t know where the arrogance comes from to stick around when the Winter Soldier might be the one standing in front of you in a few seconds, but somehow abandoning Bucky seems worse than death.
You glance at the opened med kit, wondering if another injection might keep the serum at bay. You’re not sure how it works, but it seemed to clear Bucky up before… He buckles over again with a primal growl, body rippling with pain and discomfort.
“What do you need, Bucky?” you try.
“Run,” he snaps. “I need you to fucking run. I can’t hold this off much longer. It’s been hours.”
The report had said most subjects only hold out four hours at the most. Bucky is going into hour eight right about now. You hesitate then, feet shuffling without moving away from him. You give him a pained look and you feel like you’re getting one in return, but before the agony reaches Bucky’s face, he buckles over completely and crashes to the floor, his hands curling against the ground.
On instinct, you dive down and put your hand on his back. “Bucky! Are you–”
A sinful moan rips from his throat and within an instant his metal hand grabs the hand that is resting on his back, and rips it off of him. “Don’t– touch me.”
You pause, trying not to cringe at the tight grip he has on your hand. The next thing you do is to pry your hand away from him and follow his request, but his hand is holding onto yours too tightly. You open your mouth to say something, but his flesh hand starts tracing over de lines and curves of your hand, over your wrist and up your arm.
That’s when you realise the contents of the rest of the report, not even having considered the alternative to Bucky wanting to kill you. Your body heats at the thought and you start trembling. Your eyes trickle over every feature of his – his bare, heaving chest and his bulging arms and thick thighs and his mouth… Oh, his mouth.
You do something stupid – perhaps because the thing that is currently on your mind might be the best thing to do right before you die anyway – and you raise your other hand, sliding it over his shoulder and up into his neck. Bucky shudders and you curl your nails to scrape over his skin, making him hiss and let out a low moan from the back of his throat.
“Do you want to kill me?” you ask and Bucky’s head lifts slowly, eyes wide and two lines between his brow in utter confusion. You can’t imagine the physical pain he must be in right now, if the reports are anything to go by.
“No,” he breathes, like you’re insane for even asking.
“Do you want to fuck me?”
Bucky swallows hard at that question, jaw working, like the question is enough to make him combust. But he shakes his head and you have a hard time admitting what that does to your self esteem.
“The reports–” he grunts and heaves in a deep breath, his current train of thought seemingly creating an exponentially growing amount of pain. “The reports are wrong. They ruined each other and only wanted to fuck. Get their dicks wet, gets their holes filled.”
Heat rushes up your neck and cheeks at his words and you stroke your hand up and down his neck, perhaps to soothe yourself. In the reports, the subjects had been vividly described as out-of-control animals, as rough and violent and selfish. Does the serum have a different effect on Bucky because he’s more resistant to the drug? He does seem to want to be touched. And if he keeps moaning like that – moans of pleasure, not pain – you’re afraid you’ll do anything to touch him. So much so, you wonder if the serum causes a contagious reaction.
“How are the reports wrong?” you try carefully.
“I don’t just want to fuck you,” he groans and his eyes soften, though they never lose their hard edge. Their determination. “I’m selfish.” He pauses, like he expects you to know what it is he wants. You look at him with pleading eyes – for information or temptation – he’s not sure.
You nod, unsurely, but determined as well. “That’s okay. You can be selfish. I can take it.”
He drawls your name in warning, eyes darkening. Clearly you have no idea what he wants from you and the willingness in your tone sends another miserable ache through his limbs, sending his body to curl up again and his eyes to scrunch shut, which you quickly soothe by shuffling closer to him and stroking your palm down his spine. Bucky’s tactical pants are becoming unbearably tight and it takes everything for him to not look at your lips. He knows if he catches one glimpse of your mouth, he’s gone.
“I trust you,” you whisper, breath fanning over his cheek.
His eyes snap back to yours, searching frantically, but he seems to find only truth on your face. Yet his eyes search and search, for any sign that you don’t want this – don’t want him – and he makes the detrimental mistake to let his gaze fall to your mouth. Your lips.
Something inside of him rips free and it’s so scaringly close to a furious Winter Soldier, that Bucky almost hesitates. But his eyes are on your lips and the trained soldier in him has a mission – centred solely around those fucking lips of yours. So he dives forward and crashes his mouth to yours, bringing both of you to the ground.
His hand covers the back of your head and his knees split your thighs apart, instantly grinding his hips between them. When your back arches up against him at the contact, his arm slides under your back to press you up against him, keeping your core attached to his unbearably hard cock, still straining against his clothes.
You sigh against his lips and glide your arms around his neck, pushing closer to him. Bucky’s hands slide down to your ass and he effortlessly lifts you with him, sitting in your vacated chair and keeping you in his lap. The kiss is so desperate and intimate and longing. Your hands in his hair, his hands stroking up and down your back – down and down. You, grinding down onto him and him hissing against your mouth.
One of his hands locks into your hair, tugging your head down to him for better access as your tongues connect and both of you moan at the same time, locking something in that neither of you can ever come back from.
And Bucky is almost convinced you have the serum running through your veins as well – it’s impossible for someone to feel that good. He has to stop kissing you to stop from going insane, and his mouth drags down your jaw and neck, unable to keep himself from sinking his teeth into the skin below your ear. He feels your heartbeat between your legs and forces your hips to grind down on him again.
“Be selfish,” you gasp. “Please be selfish.”
He knows for a fact that you have no idea what you’re asking for. He knows you think he’ll flip you over and take you until he’s spent. But no. He wants to play with you and not give you what you’re begging for. He wants you on his hands, his thigh, his tongue and his cock. He wants you past the serum – past the upcoming few hours.
You see, the second Bucky figured out what this serum was going to do to him, he knew the last person he should be around, is you. Had known there was somehow only one person that would crumble his resolve quicker than anything or anyone else. And now that you want him…
This is the first time in over a hundred years that Bucky and the Winter Soldier are in perfect harmony together. The first time he hears the Soldat tell him from deep in the back of his head,
Hello my darlings! I haven’t forgotten about you and I see all of your messages in my inbox. However, my physical health is not too great at the moment and my energy mainly goes into all the basic stuff like my job and errands and other responsibilities. I have so many ideas but zero energy to type them out. I hope to have it all figured out soon, but I wanted you guys to get an update. Talk to you soon, hopefully!
