Cesarean
A cesarean section (C-section) is a major surgical procedure where a baby is born by making a large incision through seven different layers of tissue in the mother's abdomen.
Seppuku
Seppuku is a Japanese ritual suicide where a samurai kills himself by cutting into his belly. It was thought that seppuku was an honorable way to die. Sometimes, it is called hara-kiri, which is translated from Japanese as belly-cutting.
I gave birth to my baby girl 19 days ago. The plan was for a natural delivery and to be induced due to being on blood thinners however it did not go to plan.
On the first day of induction, I had the foley balloon catheter. The hospital advised that the week before they had a protocol change and that this was now their first way of inducing labour. The balloon was inserted and then we played the waiting game. The balloon fell out at 4 hours, inwas checked and told I was 3cms dilated.
I thought, awesome, this is going to be a breeze and all going to go fast. Oh how I was so wrong. They waited till the next morning to take me to the birthing unit (so about 20 hours later), they checked me and said I was 1cm dilated. I almost fell over... how? We were doing so well. Did they wait too long?
They couldn't break the waters at that point and decided that we would try cervidil tape. Cervidil is a long tape that they insert up near the cervix and it releases hormones to ripen the cervix.
They insert the tape and we waited. That night I was having back pains now and then but nothing strong.
The next morning, i was still only 1cm dilated. To say I was frustrated doesn't even cover it. This was day 3 and still no baby. After discussing with the doctor, we decided to try the cervidil tape again.
Same thing again, back pains but nothing else. The next morning, the doctors say I'm still 1cm. After discussing with my husband I decided for the cesarean. This was the 4th day I was in hospital, my baby should have been born by now, my husband was paying through the nose for parking to support me. I was sick of being pregnant and ready for the next chapter of the story to begin.
While I was pregnant, I had never considered that I could possibly have a cesarean. I was so focused that I was going to have a natural birth and I was actually keen on the natural birth because it kind of felt like a woman test. Could I handle the pain? Could I push the baby out without the epidural? How long would it take? I feel robbed of that experience, but she was determined to stay in there.
The cesarean process was overwhelming because it just all seemed to have happened so fast. Let me tell you, anyone that says "cesarean is the easy way out" needs a punch in the face cause they have no idea what they are talking about.
The process of getting the epidural is full on in it of itself. It's a huge needle going in your spine. I've had several lumbar punctures to relieve pressure from the brain so I wasn't completely new to the process.
Then you lay flat and start losing feeling of you body. The anesthetist had a surgical glove with ice in it. He was touching my foot, leg, abdomen- I couldn't feel a thing, i thought he was full of shit. Then he put it on my chest and it was like woah ok yeah I can feel that.
It's the weirdest sensation, you're just paradise from below the boobs down the rest of your body. You are paralyzed essentially? I could not move a muscle even if you tempted me with millions of dollars to.
Then my husband could come into the operating room, he was all scrubbed up and was by my head and holding my hand.
They start cutting into me, they cut into so many layers and separate your abs and you don't feel any pain, you can just feel pushing and pulling. My husband was curious so he would stand up to try have a look until they told him off for it.
Then at one point they bring the sheet that's infront of my face down and they proceed to pull out our baby. It felt so surreal, like this isn't actually happening right now, it's a magic trick right?
Our baby didn't cry right away, she gave a death stare to one of the surgeons like "how dare you pull me out of there, i clearly wanted to stay longer" after a couple of minutes and looking around she started crying. I sighed a breath of relief. I saw my husbands face when they pulled her out, he had tears in his eyes and just a face of being in awe of what was happening then and there.
My husband got to go up and cut the umbilical cord and they did the apgar test on her (she got 10 out of 10, already a high achiever) I could see the cutting and them checking her on a screen.
They brought her over and she was just so tiny, my husband and I staring at her, this is our little family now. It was an amazing and also scary feeling.
In that moment I became a mother. The cesarean was like seppuku, my old self committed suicide to bring this baby girl into the world and I now am a different person.