Adventures Of A Lifelong Learner

Chronicling my journey of exploring all the things that make life worth living!

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I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time. ― Jack London

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Reach for the glass and stir the air 🐉

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Sailing Under The Wing Of The Great Frigatebird

I first decided I wanted to learn to sail when I was 10 years old. I don't even remember where the idea came from; I didn't grow up in a family of sailors. Maybe I read it in a book, and the idea of riding the wind and waves spoke deeply to a wild part of my heart.

So when I was visiting Miami on my own, I decided to book a sailing, stand-up paddleboarding and snorkeling excursion at Biscayne National Park. I'd hear that this National Park wasn't "worth visiting" because of that fact; which, looking back, is a ridiculous reason to write off an entire area of beautifully preserved ecosystem. I'm so glad I didn't listen, and instead chose to experience Biscayne as it was meant to be experienced: with water as the central theme.

When I arrived, it soon became clear that I was the only passenger booked on the sailboat that day. The captain and I eyed each other up, realizing we were two very different people, about to spend 6 hours on the water with a stranger. However, it turned out we had much more in common than either of us anticipated.

Captain Jeff told me his life story, how he'd raised a family in Pennsylvania and endured a painful relationship rife with infidelity. As it happens with situations like these (I know from personal experience) his body started revolting, which sent him in a journey of reclaiming his power. He ended up changing his entire life: leaving Pennsylvania, leaving his job and his family, moving to Florida and becoming a captain, meeting his now-wife and finally, being happy.

He shared great wisdom about relationships - with others, as well as with the self. Looking at life as a "play, not a work" - that was a central theme of our conversation.

Captain Jeff taught me how to work the lines, and read the angles of the sails to ride the wind in the direction we wanted to go. It takes finesse, and an intuitive sense of how the elements work together. With every passing moment, I knew more and more why I'd always been drawn to this art.

We braved a thunderstorm, we saw dolphins. I snorkeled near a reef wall and played with tiny, colorful schools of fish that engulfed me, dancing all around in suspended motion.

On our way back to the harbor, Captian Jeff told me a story about a special bird we were watching, soaring high in the sky. The Magnificent Frigatebird is a formidable, yet graceful, predator and scavenger. It can stay aloft for up to 6-8 weeks at a time. And this spoke to me. Perhaps I can channel some of the energy of the Magnificent Frigatebird - to stay aloft longer than others think is possible, and when I land, I'll land where I am meant to be.

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I’m ALIVE. Thinking about it, noticing it, is new. You do things and don’t watch. Then all of a sudden you look and see what you’re doing and it’s the first time, really. - Ray Bradbury

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The Heron Remains Unaffected By Sarcasm

There are so many herons in Miami. All types - sleek green herons, the coy tri-colored heron, the elusive black-crowned night heron. And the biggest, most awe-inducing must be the great blue heron -which, if you approach suddenly and it takes off, will make you feel its power in the form of a gust of wind.

During my daily walks, I have encountered them all, and found them beautiful. When I drove to Everglades National Park and embarked on a 15-mile bike ride through the park, I realized what makes them special in a totally new way.

They are REGAL. Dignified, and self-assured.

I can't imagine, if a very misguided person ever decided to insult a heron or "take it down a notch" - that it would pay the person any mind at all.

As someone who has spent a great deal of my life around people who want to diminish me, this was significant.

I've always taken their words to heart, because these are people I love. These are people I have invested in. Family, friends, and lovers.

Up until now, I operated under the understanding that this was a problem with me being "too much".

But then watching the herons I realized... it would never cross their minds that they are "too much". They are serious, yes, and self-possessed. Because they are set on their purpose.

And what could be more serious than achieving your purpose, and living your life well?

That's how I've always felt, and how I've always lived. Often cut down verbally by those close to me through sarcasm and "jokes" about my penchant for "taking myself too seriously".

I'd challenge them, now, what is stopping you from taking your own self seriously?

And did you know the root of the word sarcasm comes from the Greek word "to wound or mar, to create a separation". A chasm.

I don't want to live in between chasms anymore.

I want to live in a world where everyone takes themselves seriously, as in, it's a serious business to learn who you are, what your purpose is, and how to live your life well. What else is there, really?

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Film by my dear friend Kelly Tweed on Bearwallow Mountain, NC

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Create a world, your world. Alone. Create. And then the love will come to you, then it comes to you. - Anais Nin

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6 Days With 2 Boys

Recently I had the privilege of visiting one of my best friends and her family in Virginia Beach. We've been friends since the age of sixteen, when I approached her on the first day of jazz guitar class at a center for fine arts in the southern town we both lived in at the time and asked if we could be friends.

Ever since, she has been a gift in my life - her commitment to honesty, self awareness and growth is hugely inspiring and leads her to provide extremely eye opening perspectives.

Now, she is a mother of two small boys, who I also love dearly. She is a powerful alpha, protecting and guiding her children with the intensity of a leopard. I always am reminded of the Belle & Sebastian song that goes "now I look at you, you're a mother of two - a quiet revolution" when I think of her and her children.

Their wildness resonated with the wildest parts of me. And so did their sweetness.

Which makes me think ferocity and affection often come together.

Spending 6 days with their little family taught me a great deal about what love feels like. In my last relationship of 3 years, begging for affection was commonplace. He would often openly ignore me when I came to greet him after work and shower affection on the dog instead.

I internalized it as something wrong with me - there must be a reason why he doesn't want to hold me, kiss, me hug me, right? What I didn't anticipate was the toll that constant begging and rejection would have on my psyche. My body began to physically ache from the lack of connection I was experiencing. It felt like I was in prison, only able to look out and imagine what it might be like outside.

Cut to, me being bombarded with attention, affection and love from these two small boys. They were overjoyed to spend time with me, and me with them. And somehow, just having this experience of abundant love for a few days seems to have changed me .

My standards are higher. And I know my expectations have never been out of line. Only applied to the wrong people.

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At what point

will it matter to you enough to change?

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First Thoughts

Stepping out from the last chapter - no, actually, the last volume in the series of books chronicling my life, I am not sure how to feel.

My intuition has told me this was coming for months. On December 31st, 2023, I went to bed early. My head was pounding. I saw images of my life leading up to that point flash across the inside of my eyelids like a movie montage.

A lot of it was filled with darkness. A lot of pain, confusion. A pervasive sense of lack.

I made a decision that night, as it approached the dawn of a new year, that 2024 would be my year of winning.

And perhaps even more profound than that, I decided to be the very best friend to myself I could be this year.

That decision set in motion a change to my internal workings, and to modify my external behaviors. I finally accepted that I was in a relationship with someone who I loved, but who was not willing to truly love me back.

Listening to lectures about attachment psychology, I've learned a lot of words and phrases that explain the dynamics I had found myself in for the last 3 years. The one running through my head right now, has to do with when one partner refuses to be depended on, to take emotional responsibility for their partners' experience, the other partner feels profoundly abandoned. Starved, and neglected.

That is exactly how I've felt, for thousands of hours, for hundreds of days. Not until I finally gave up all hope was I able to see clearly, and to start to make plans to build a life that truly nurtures my spirit.

Now, instead of feeling like an unwatered plant, withering away daily as roars of devastating hunger tear through my core, I get to decide what I want to be. Who I want to be.

To know what I have been asking for is valid.

To design my own identity and my own life according to my values.

But first I have to discover what those are.