feelings.

[aflyingroad]

My love for you has never been deeper

as I have realized that love is such a private thing

it cannot be defined by onlookers

or even you.

I had to realize that while I loved you

a deeper love waited for me

so patiently

as I chose to uncover it

consciously as ever

to say

“I am ready to love you fully, and deeply”

I am finally here

I am finally meeting you half way.

[aflyingroad]

I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. I don’t know if I’m following the right rules. I want there to be rules, and no rules at the same time. I want a guide. I want to know if I’m doing the right thing. Am I supposed to react to you like this? Am I supposed to feel like this? Was I right to stand for these things I believe in? Is my definition of “truth” and “respect” correct? 

Is my definition of “truth” and “respect” worth fighting for?

I feel like I am walking this empty road, lonely and looking at a useless compass, where East means nothing other than where the sun rises. And when the sun rises, it means nothing except that the day is going to get brighter. 

My heart thinks I’m doing the right thing, that I have correctly stood up for the things I believe in. I have been stubborn and rigid in my beliefs, relaying all those things to you in a form barely palatable. And you bought it. Because you love me. Because you believe that I am right. 

My blind faith of my correctness shakes my faith in me. My whole being doubts me. I have never stood up for myself like this. Not in friendships, to my parents, to my colleagues...only to you. My love. My closest confidant. My partner in life. I have chosen you, and that makes me all the more insecure. Because in my defiance of what you did, I grew tall and stronger in your presence, and only in your presence. This is a strength I did not ask for. This is a strength that ironically is something you have given me, the strength to correct you and to confront you. 

This courage is new. Yet, I am scared to stand up for the wrong thing. I really hope I didn’t. I am scared that in turn, I may have caused you unnecessary pain. 

I guess there are no rules for how I am supposed to feel. The compass will only take me where I want to go. And I have to keep going, trudge along.

You have hurt me so deeply but you have also given me courage. I have stood up to you and told you what I believed in. I have been steadfast in my faith of what is right.

Oh this love. This freaking love. A show-and-tell. Exhibit A, B, C, D. A courageous me, a compromising you, a stubborn me, an empathetic you. For we are choosing to go North together, and just me hoping I’m taking us on the right journey.

Let’s go. Let’s just do this. We are stronger together.

[aflyingroad]

I thought being away from you would be tough

though temporary

I believed I would miss you so much that I wouldn’t breath as easy

and I was surprised

because in the chaos of our love

and the sanity of your company

comes the quiet of being alone

I thought that I would feel that I took you for granted

when we are alone

stuck with ourselves

unable to escape into each other’s psyche and arms

but I have called bluff on physical company 

I have learned that breathing in the still air

my heart sings to your voice 

my heart bursts with love

even as your face is presented as pixels.

Oh don’t get me wrong

I want to touch your face

your soft back

your broad shoulders

and just stare at your non-pixellated face in all its porous glory

and those lips

that hair

those hands

Oh yes that would be something.

But now

I think it’s all okay

I think it’s just alright

that you’re so far away

because my skin remembers you

a sweet, sweet occupant of my heart.

You are already here with me.

[aflyingroad]

For love itself is transformative.

To see love

To feel love

These are privileges.

They are the doors to a magic kingdom.

It’s where we can be ourselves

Because we have learned to love ourselves.

And to love one another

Because we have learned to love ourselves.

That love

For myself and towards you

Have freed us from these traps

Wherever they came from.

Unmasking ourselves from the inauthentic.

For love only unmasks more love

For love encourages freedom

For love reveals truth.

And most of all

Love is the magic

That allows all good things in life to grow in its presence

Patience, acceptance, openness, courage.

But most of all

The hurdle is to love.

[aflyingroad]

I have learned

from your patience

my faith

that if you’re meant to be

things will fall into place

just fall into place.

[aflyingroad]

a string

invisible

attaching us head to toe

together bound

tight

and loose

strong

and soft

Is it me

showing this side of me

embarassing

shying away

because of desperation to stay hidden

because to show myself

means anything goes

anything

I can lose

my mind numbing me

my only form of defense

for even the string between us

even the string

is out for auction for the world to take

for me to destroy

for you to destroy

to cherish and to love

to love oh how simple an act

how easy if it weren’t for the nakedness of it all

because to hate

simpler

but more painful

is only one glance away

towards the door where the bright exit sign seduces

but I have learned from before

that the escape only means another closed door

each time stripping a part of me.

But I can’t help but glance back

and every time I’m surprised

because you are there

through the doors and convoluted halls

and I feel that invisible string again

between us even though we are farther

attaching us head to toe

together bound

tighter

yet looser

stronger

yet softer

and I feel your presence drenching

overflowing towards me

for I have never been more confident

that we exist for our union

for we must surrender to the doors already open

to the doors you refused to close

for you stood behind me and before me now

inviting me back

guiding me with your outstretched hands

as if I’m already in your arms

as if I never walked away.

To walk back on a familiar path has never been more overwhelming

because this time

I am more naked than ever

my pride having been stripped by my every step

my fear too thin a shield

regret overwhelming

and I have to remind myself

that blame has no part in this

that hate has no part in this. 

As I take my steps toward you

through these pebbled grounds and dark hallways

I recover

piece by piece

each step closer

watching you who is waiting

patiently watching me come back

on a path back to you

a path I will never forget now

a path I won’t have to remember.

[aflyingroad]

a song

I am hopelessly in love with you

You are hopelessly in love with me

Oh,

hoping

I stay

I stay

in love

Oh,

swaying, swaying

in your arms

saved

by your embrace

I am under your spell

You are under my spell

Oh,

Tell me

tell me how this could go

Do I give in

Or you to me

Oh,

It’s too late

I am in baby,

all the way

all the way

To the galaxy 

and back to your arms

all the way

all the way

[aflyingroad]

Your love

My pain.

I don’t know who to believe

Which voice to listen to

Can you speak louder?

I am mute

Waiting for you to tell me how to feel

Because I am so stuck

Fear consumes me

Pain 

Hunger

Desire

Nothing fazes me

Yet I am afraid 

Of everything my vision hides from me.

You speak of love

Yet I speak of fear

And pain

A different kind than that of loneliness...

I am not sure what is worse

To have not had anything

To lose what is mine

Or

The one that consumes me...

To fear who I might lose.

I know you will not walk away on your own

I know I will always be with you

And you with me

Yes, You With Me.

Perhaps I am at a point of no return

Given only two of three choices now

I simply can not bear to lose you

Yet with you here 

I can not bear the thought of losing you

Simply because I have you.

But you see,

I have tried before

To run

But there is nowhere to run.

So maybe for now

Just tell me you love me

A million times each day

Echoing 

Echoing

Echoing...

Forgetting myself

Hearing you

Loving you back

More

More

More... 

[aflyingroad]

My goodness I love you

Today more than yesterday

Yesterday more than the day before

And the day before...

Oh, I love you.

You wonder exactly why

and how

and when

But I know 

Exactly how and why and when

But it’s hard to tell you

When I look up

And see you

Eyes locked

Heart melted

Souls sparkling

I am enamored 

Charmed 

Warm and fuzzy

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I’ll tell you tomorrow.

[aflyingroad]

Catching you

Catching me

in my arms

tired but wide eyed

arms sore but hands open

body limp but back straight

I will catch you my love

I will hold you for a while

whispering soft condolences 

breaking through cries

trying to do the right thing

loving you

like that is the only thing I know

at least pretending...

because I know after this massacre is over

I will be strong again

wanting to love again

because it is the only thing I know.

[aflyingroad]

Oh happiness

Where are you in your purest form

A contradiction

And impossibility

An illusion.

For when pure

We are complacent

We are blind

For when it is gone

We cry out in anguish

With Regret

That we held on too loose

For when a counterpart grows beneath

A constant undercurrent

Dominant yet willing

To have happiness by its side

Telling us we are indeed happy

Self aware and unexpired

Self-reminding and formidable

For that undercurrent of a force

Often a dark one

Equally as important

Lays side by side

Thriving on each other

For the death of one

Surely means the end of the other.

Til death do us apart.

[aflyingroad]

It hurts, but I have no choice.

How do I say this

My heart

It hurts

My eyes water

My vision blurring

Oh Love what have you done

What have you done to me

Showing me all your little secrets

Making me smile

Making my heart swell

How are you so kind

And so beautiful 

A special kind of magic

Yet stories of having lost everything but you

And think of my own

Yet to be lived

With you Love

With you love.

Why can it end this way?

So devastatingly true

That when you go high

You can go just as low

The only solace

The only peace

In this twisted world of yours Love

Is to just fall

Eyes closed

Willingly

Into your embrace.

[aflyingroad]

Narcissists

Who am I kidding, 

You have always loved me

And I have always loved you.

Maybe it took some time

And maybe it took no time at all.

For the first time in a while,

We smiled at each other.

Eyes meeting lost in our own joy

Because of each other

A naked and soulful confession

With no thought of embarrassing ourselves.

It was a mutual risk

A mutual realization.

Yes

This is real.

This could work.

There exists pure

Unabashed joy.

And I am reminded of that same time

The first time we met

We had a spark of that same thing.

Unforgettable like this time around.

Maybe it’s fate

If I really believed in it

Maybe I do now.

[aflyingroad]

#Relationshipgoals (L.O.V.E. pt.1)

Ah, so this is what love feels like. Sweet, sweet love, you are more complicated than I thought, less complacent than I thought. I knew you wanted me. And yes, that I loved him. 

I don’t think I didn’t understand love. Sure, the movies and my Facebook notifications, and those Instagram tags I so obsessively looked up every once in a while (#Relationshipgoals, etc.) gave me an idea. Sure, what I felt matched so well to what I thought was only fantasy, and I ended up slightly disappointed that I have partially become what I thought was pure cheese. Some real cheese. Some real good cheese. Brie. Creamy and delicious, unexpectedly so the first time you have it. Love, you are something.

~To be continued.

[aflyingroad]

Love

or even liking

when mutual

is really quite romantic 

isn’t it?

Thinking about the other person

sharing a part of your body and mind with them

preserving moments

shared

unforgotten

but even if forgotten

anchored into time and space

exclusively ours.

[aflyingroad]

I saw you again today

online

the side of my Facebook wall

green dot

live

so alive

pictures vibrant

a life

lived

living.

No I wasn’t there

and I’m not here

with you

and I sincerely

full heartedly

unselfishly

honestly

believe that you and me

that spark 

flirtation

uncertainty

amorphous energy

a decade ago

long ways ago

had such perfect timing.

Because now

when I look at you

and your girl

her smile so vibrant

and your’s

so true

present

I

am

happy.

There are no other feelings

if I’m being honest.

There are no other feelings

because the nostalgia is enough for me

my closure

remembering

feeling

you

just being you

the same you

thank you,

time.

[aflyingroad]

It’s easy to misunderstand the concept of “you having the power to create your happiness.” It really isn’t about only you. Of course, you are the creator and reactor of everything around you...however, you can make a real dent on the things you just have no control over (or don’t really have the time and energy to have control over). That, my friend, is to shift all your own thoughts and interactions with everyone around you toward the positive side: generosity, kindness, patience, and acceptance. Trying to practice these four words have done more good for me than anything else in life.

It’s a challenge to create your own happiness and it must be done with first finding your own inner peace, then spreading that, acting upon it to inspire others to also switch to the positive side.

Your own happiness, whether you want it to or not, largely depends on others. The good news is that you can make other people happier, without sacrificing any part of you. Let the contagiousness of your positive energy and patience work its magic. Show, not tell, and then just sit back and enjoy. 

(I know, some things just never change...but do your part and see what happens!)