i miss my cocoa butter kisses
Calum’s eyes adjusted to the dark room as his eyelashes fluttered open. He glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 4 am. So that meant tonight he got two hours of sleep. New record. He rolled out of bed as quietly as possible, trying not to disturb the sleeping body next to him. Another pretty face whose name or city he couldn’t place. He slid on some joggers and a ratty old sweatshirt, making his way to the balcony. Lighting up a cigarette and leaning against the rail, he felt his body slowly relax.
He struggled to remember the exact moment that everything changed for him. Was it last Christmas before the world tour when even though he was with his family and friends, he couldn’t quite feel relaxed. He felt out of place, like he didn’t belong in that world anymore. He ended up leaving a week earlier for Los Angeles than he had planned and he still couldn’t erase the look of disappointment his mother gave him before he left that continued to haunt him. But if he’s honest with himself, something that happens less and less these days, he was already on this path the second he decided to join his three best friends in moving across the country to pursue their dream.
Dreams. He hadn’t had those in a while. Sleep was something that had escaped him since the tour began eight months before. He was lonely. Temporary fixes on the road only made him feel worse. It’s like he was drowning, and had forgotten how to ask for a life raft or would even know what one looked like at this point. He knew he wasn’t the only band member feeling this way. But lately, all four boys had trouble communicating anything that wasn’t band or tour related. They knew they were so lucky to be living out their dreams and it felt as if they whispered concerns or doubts to each other, it would be a spark that would ignite a fire that none of them were equipped to put out. They didn’t have the energy and they barely had time. None of them meant to but slowly they had drifted apart. They had started leaning toward business partners and accidentally left their friendship in the airport like unclaimed luggage, three continents ago. He missed his friends. He missed his brothers. But he didn’t know what to say. How do you tell someone you see practically every minute of everyday that you miss them?
His phone buzzed in his pocket. Speaking of brothers. “Hey Nik.” his voice raw and hoarse, taking another drag of his cigarette. He watched as the door to his hotel room opened and quietly shut as he previous bedmate disappeared into the early morning. At least that was one less awkward conversation he would have to have. “Clamu, you sound like shit. Bet you look it, too.” his twin brother’s infectious laugh poured through the phone, making Calum’s heart squeeze. He hadn’t seen Nikora in almost a year. “Call me up at 4am just to insult me?” Calum tried to sound annoyed, but the smile spread across his cheeks dripped into his voice and wasn’t fooling either of them. “Aw, shit, baby bro. I always forget about the time difference. That’s a lie. I just don’t care. I miss you. I just wanted to hear your voice, make sure you’re still alive.” And the serious tone of his brother’s concerned and warm voice melted something in Calum, unable to choke back a sob. “Calum, are you crying? Cal, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Nik whispered, gently.
Calum put out the cigarette and slid down against the balcony. He took a deep breath, running a hand through his unruly curls. “I just-I hate it, Nik. I love being onstage so much, I used to think I loved it more than anything. But now I feel like I gave up everything for it. And I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore. The band feels like a business. There’s so many decisions to be made everyday and that’s all we talk about. I haven’t seen Mikey outside of venues or interviews in months. I miss him. I miss Mali. I miss Dad. I miss you. I miss being able to just sit around and be with you you guys doing nothing and everything. I miss-I miss Mum. I miss Mum being able to hold me and kiss my hair and tell me everything was going to be alright. I just want everything to be alright.” Calum sobbed, unable to stop the flow of tears or the hurt and bad feelings he had shoved further and further down so long.
“Oh, sweet baby brother. I’ve missed you, too. We all have. We’re so proud of you. We didn’t say anything because we were so proud of you, teina. I should have reached out but I didn’t know what to say and I’ve been so busy with futbol. Which is why I called you in the first place. I have a match in Scotland next week and Dad said you have a couple of shows there so we’re all flying out to meet you. To see the family but mostly to see you, baby bro. We miss you so much. Hold on a minute.” Nikora’s own harsh tears mangling his words.
Calum felt an overwhelming sense of calm and elation that he couldn’t recall feeling in a very long time. “Baby? It’s me.” his mother’s loving voice dripped and Cal felt the sobs ripple through his chest all over again. “Oh, baby. Shh. It’s ok. We’ll see you in a few days. Everything is going to be ok.” she soothed, her own voice thick with emotion. And just like that, Calum started to believe her
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