A Giraffe's Journal

A place for me to write. If you recognize yourself or me in here, or if you recognize writings republished elsewhere, I will neither confirm or deny any information. I’m polyamorous, bisexual, enby, and verbose. He/him/his

[maidthings]

this poly shit is crazyyyy you can tease your girlfriend for having a crush on someone

[agiraffesjournal]

I like being poly, but. It would be kind of cool if the person I loved the most, and liked a lot, and laughed the hardest with, and was the best in bed was the same person.

[agiraffesjournal]

So, there’s someone I really like. And I feel like she’s making me work too hard.

But I also know she’s still wishing to be some guy’s primary and I’m not going to be that.

But she’s not putting herself in the position to be some guy’s primary so why not accept what I have to offer because I think she’s into it.

[agiraffesjournal]

Polyamorous, swinger, ethical non-monogamous?

I’ve given a lot of thought to these labels. I think I’m getting tired of all the baggage that comes with the polyamorous label. People that don’t use it as a barrier to connect with people. Even as they are hopping from bed to bed, they aren’t sure about poly!! 🤨

Swinger. I don’t consider myself part of that culture, but I visit there often enough. Why? It just isn’t my energy. It feels sometimes like it’s the pursuit of sex for sex’s sake. Why’s that a problem. It isn’t if that’s your thing. But it’s not mine. I actually like to be with people I know and can talk about something other than sex. By the way, I know a lot of swingers who are pretty damn poly when you get down to it.

Ethical non-monogamy? Well, that’s a catch all and I’m fine with it. My partner prefers that label.

But, I am stating to think my lifestyle is “open.” I date. I date casually. I could date seriously. That depends on the energy and the vibe. But it’s just how I live my life.

You don’t need to label me, and I’m not sure I want to label me anymore.

[agiraffesjournal]

Jealousy. I know you’re there. I know it shouldn’t get to me. But she’s with someone else tonight when I wish she was with me.

It’s for the best. If we can’t be together, it’s better for her to be with someone else.

[agiraffesjournal]

Dude, the hardest thing is loving someone and knowing you’re not the best thing for them.

[agiraffesjournal]

Last night, it wasn’t supposed to be a date. But it kind of was. I’ve done that before. Open to the possibility and then it can happen.

Thing is: it should just be a hookup. I’ve been crushing on this friend for a couple of years now. Thought I was flirting and she said she didn’t know.

Why am I so bad at flirting?!?!

We were car pooling to a party. Good idea for a couple of reasons. One: save gas. Two: know there will be at least one person there I know. She was bringing her 6-year old along. Not a problem. Her kid is exceptional.

But first she asked if I was handy and had me install a doorknob for her. Kind of a good sign if you know.

We drove together. I navved. Great conversation with the kiddo in the car.

We were there early and didn’t know as many people as we thought.

Later when we went home, she asked if I was coming in. Yes.

She asked if I wanted whiskey. Yes.

We cuddled and talked and drank whiskey. We kissed. And more.

I think it was just a hookup but I’m not sure. I think it could be more.

I like her.

[agiraffesjournal]

There’s a person, and I know I love her. And she’s my best friend. But I think about her day and night. More than my partner. More than my girlfriend. More than anyone. She can’t find the right guy but I know I could be that guy. But she’s looking for monogamy. And I can’t do that. So I want to hold her and love her and listen but I have to hold back. Because being her friend is all I can do. And it has to be enough.

[agiraffesjournal]

Closure

I've been thinking about closure. What does it look like? Is it real? What purpose does it serve?

My basic feeling the last few years is that no one owes you closure. If your closure requires someone to open new wounds, then closure is a consent violation

The last month or so, it's been clear to me that closure can just happen when you aren't looking for it.

I attended a couple of events and seen social media posts where there were poly folks, some of whom I was partners with and some that were tangetial.

The thing I found is that chapters have been closed with people. In other cases whole books. But also, that some chapters can close and others can open with the same person. (Imagine revisiting a person from your youth, and finding the spark is still there, but different.)

I think the most important lesson for me is that closure feels like knowing you both moved on and knowing its for the best.

[agiraffesjournal]

So … 39 years in the planning. So glad it happened.

[agiraffesjournal]

Today I made a decision. There is someone that I was connected with who I knew was problematic, and I’d decided that I was going to keep my distance from. But I didn’t want to be another person to abandon her. She’s been in jail. She’s been on the streets. She’s been a sex worker. But I could still be open communication.

But she’s been using her SnapChat to sell what is clearly stolen merchandise. And I unfriended her. I don’t think my support for her means anything.

[thehopefulquotes]

“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

— Unknown

[agiraffesjournal]

So 6 years ago, a former partner and I, met a married couple on line. There was flirting and connection but before anything went further, my partner and I broke up. But I remained facebook friends with the woman and we’d chat and flirt from time to time. Somewhere along the way she and her husband broke up. No discussion of it. Just seemed to notice he was gone from pictures on fb. But me and this woman have still been chatting and flirting and plans to get together never worked out. Usually because she’d cancel at the last minute. I stuck with her because it’s nice to have someone flirt.

Today I mentioned I’ve been living single for three weeks. She asked of me and SVP broke up. I said no, she’s just traveling on her own. A half hour later she said “oh.”

“You did know that we were non-monogamous, right? We met on a non-monogamy app all those years ago.”

OMG! I think for the last few years she thought I was a cheater!

Red flag, right?

[agiraffesjournal]

And suddenly I have a girlfriend (Rugby) and I fell polyamorous again. I know I’m in love or at least NRE. The distance will be hard but this feels real, not just sexy flirtation. Of course this Viking Queen, but she’s an air flight away and I really am not sure what she really wants. But with my girlfriend it feels so right. I had to tell my daughter about her because I just can’t stop thinking about her and want to share all the stories.

[agiraffesjournal]

[agiraffesjournal]

It’s probably just run of the mill self-loathing. Or possibly an energy dump after a couple fantastic weekends, but …

There’s a saying in acting that the trick to playing a villain is they never think they’re a villain. They are the hero of their own story.

So what does that mean that I now see myself as the villain in my story? Even if I’m not intentionally harmful I can’t stop seeing my culpability and the damage I cause around me.

[agiraffesjournal]

It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳