@agnesthesia - Tumblr Blog

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The experiences of life have become grim. This is no longer survival as it is not a situation of "this too shall pass." It is attempting to be content in the uncomfortable, in the sadness and in the fear. Trying to settle into a reality that has no relief until acceptance, and even then, it will not feel like peace.

I spoke too soon. It's pretty bad this year.

I almost called you today, and then i remembered that I couldn't. I know what you would have told me. That this too shall pass. To pack my bags and get away for a while. To sit in the passenger seat and scream until i forget why i started in the first place. That I am a good person and to get a good nights rest. I might not be able to talk to you, but I hear you. Thank you.

agnesthesia

I resigned from my job. After almost a year to the day of stepping up into the role I am in and cleaning up an entire program with no experience, I resigned. Unpaid overtime, be woken up in the middle of the night with crisis calls, managing one of the largest staffs by one person in the company. I resigned. I feel like I'm giving up. People keep telling me that I didn't. That no one else would have lasted this long. And yet, I feel like walking away is giving up. I feel bad for the staff I am leaving behind and for myself as I walk away from the population I love working with. I hope in 6 months I look back at this time and can tell past me I made the right decision. But for now, I feel guilty, prideless and defeated.

agnesthesia

It's been a little over 6 months now. I go to the gym again. I sleep ~9 hours a night. I have no responsibility. Work stays at work. My car no longer gets 500+ miles on it a week. I can't say I'm happy, but I have the head space to think about it now. I have time to care about me. I still feel like i gave up, but I gained my sanity instead.