But I wasn’t always the victim. I too, was the player.
I have this fear of “trying”. I’m scared of bad experiences and shockingly, even the good ones. Why? Well because I realized that when I invest on something or someone, things either turn good to an extent where it gets super annoying or just.. very bad. But then again, I am the type of person who is always hopeful. I try to see the good in bad. I try to look at the paper as a whole instead of the black dot in the middle. I try to think of good outcomes instead of analyzing the cons. I try to convince myself that I am healed even when clearly.. I am not. And this my friend, is where it led to a lot of stupid decisions that I am not proud of.
Have you ever been in a position where you have found someone and you think that things might turn out different? I mean, you managed to connect with that person. Nothing special or some sort, no spark, no butterflies in your tummy but the conversation keeps on going. He/She tries to win you over – dinner, flowers, gifts & etc. Later, as time passes by, you tell yourself, “Shit! I think I’m falling for this person” but at the same time, you’re still not sure whether a relationship is what you really wanted. Then, it hit you. And by ‘it’, I mean, all the unnecessary bullshits - “what if he turns out to be like the others?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if he’s abusive like my ex?”, “what if he is not able to keep up with me?”, “what if he leaves again?” and yada yada yada.
Overthinking ruins a lot of things. It ruined the chances of me being happy. Happiness is subjective and it should not be narrowed down to having a partner, I know. But the context that I am in right now is relationship. Hence, bear with me please. At that moment, if I weren’t too paranoid, I would have not hurt people. I left without warning when clearly I was interested in that person. I said bitter things that I didn’t mean to say. I ignored a person as if he meant nothing at all. One day I’m there, the next day I disappear. I unintentionally punished people for what my exes did. All because I was.. scared. Scared that history might repeat itself again. I was so afraid of getting hurt, I ended up doing the exact same thing. Oh, the irony.
As hopeful as I try to be though, my negativity tends to obscure my rationality. Thus, what I learned is that, before letting your heart wander on its own, fix yourself. Mend that broken heart on your own because honey, no one can ever make you feel content but yourself. Never expect the new partner to do this for you. Trust me, I’ve been there and it didn’t work. The idea of having a partner is to grow together, not fixing one another. Two vital components are acceptance and forgiveness. Accept the fact that things happened and it wasn’t meant to be. Forgive him/her and most importantly, forgive yourself. Be happy on your own, only then the next person can flourish you with love. Like what Gnash said in his song ‘You gotta be happy alone, to be happy together’.
It’s true what they say, people tend to do stupid things when they are hurting. But then again, it’s not a ticket for you to do as you please especially if people’s feelings are affected. What I did was never okay and I am ashamed of it. However, I have apologized and grown from it.
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