you can never really trust anyone but yourself
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@aidashauki
you can never really trust anyone but yourself
i cant believe im getting married in a week!
i feel the "void" in my heart, trying to consume me. it's as if i dont let myself feel happy and i wonder why. i rarely cry nowadays but when i do, it's always because of something else but never the "emptiness" that constantly lingers. to be very honest, i cant put a name on what i genuinely feel because i have no idea what it is exactly but if one were to ask me to describe it, it's a hollow space with a few thorns around it. it doesnt hurt all the time but it's there and it hurts once in a while. i cant cry but the pain is there.. stagnant and present but not wholly.
i feel so lonely
it was really hard to wake up today. felt like something was pressing down my chest. all i wanted was to close my eyes just a little bit more. sleeping is easier than having to face reality and sometimes a part of me wants to be asleep forever.
sometimes i feel like i wanna die
i seriously need to start eating normally again
Fangirl Challenge: [1/30] Scenes that broke my heart
“I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight. Then what are you here to apologize for? Everything else.”
what r ur healthy coping mechanisms to go thru sad situation/ loneliness/ feeling left out? or u cant relate with any of those stated 😖 btw i really love ur blog! <333
i just cry it out most of the time. i always feel better after crying.
You deserve someone who sees you as too important to lose
So I cry as I hold you for the last time in this life.
Every person I’ve ever loved has some how become toxic to me. A living, breathing reminder of why I was always better off alone. I love too hard, too quickly and then sometimes I don’t love enough. I guess I’m just bad at love.
Kristie Betts (via wordsnquotes)
Player
But I wasn’t always the victim. I too, was the player.
I have this fear of “trying”. I’m scared of bad experiences and shockingly, even the good ones. Why? Well because I realized that when I invest on something or someone, things either turn good to an extent where it gets super annoying or just.. very bad. But then again, I am the type of person who is always hopeful. I try to see the good in bad. I try to look at the paper as a whole instead of the black dot in the middle. I try to think of good outcomes instead of analyzing the cons. I try to convince myself that I am healed even when clearly.. I am not. And this my friend, is where it led to a lot of stupid decisions that I am not proud of.
Have you ever been in a position where you have found someone and you think that things might turn out different? I mean, you managed to connect with that person. Nothing special or some sort, no spark, no butterflies in your tummy but the conversation keeps on going. He/She tries to win you over – dinner, flowers, gifts & etc. Later, as time passes by, you tell yourself, “Shit! I think I’m falling for this person” but at the same time, you’re still not sure whether a relationship is what you really wanted. Then, it hit you. And by ‘it’, I mean, all the unnecessary bullshits - “what if he turns out to be like the others?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if he’s abusive like my ex?”, “what if he is not able to keep up with me?”, “what if he leaves again?” and yada yada yada.
Overthinking ruins a lot of things. It ruined the chances of me being happy. Happiness is subjective and it should not be narrowed down to having a partner, I know. But the context that I am in right now is relationship. Hence, bear with me please. At that moment, if I weren’t too paranoid, I would have not hurt people. I left without warning when clearly I was interested in that person. I said bitter things that I didn’t mean to say. I ignored a person as if he meant nothing at all. One day I’m there, the next day I disappear. I unintentionally punished people for what my exes did. All because I was.. scared. Scared that history might repeat itself again. I was so afraid of getting hurt, I ended up doing the exact same thing. Oh, the irony.
As hopeful as I try to be though, my negativity tends to obscure my rationality. Thus, what I learned is that, before letting your heart wander on its own, fix yourself. Mend that broken heart on your own because honey, no one can ever make you feel content but yourself. Never expect the new partner to do this for you. Trust me, I’ve been there and it didn’t work. The idea of having a partner is to grow together, not fixing one another. Two vital components are acceptance and forgiveness. Accept the fact that things happened and it wasn’t meant to be. Forgive him/her and most importantly, forgive yourself. Be happy on your own, only then the next person can flourish you with love. Like what Gnash said in his song ‘You gotta be happy alone, to be happy together’.
It’s true what they say, people tend to do stupid things when they are hurting. But then again, it’s not a ticket for you to do as you please especially if people’s feelings are affected. What I did was never okay and I am ashamed of it. However, I have apologized and grown from it.
Victim
“How do I move on?”
“How do I forget?”
These are the questions that I usually get from friends and even strangers. Questions that I, myself, don’t really know how or what to answer. I had it rough before, my past relationships I mean. I was the girl that boys stepped on, the girl that boys took advantage of, the girl boys cheated on and the girl that boys saw as property. I still remember how low of a position I allowed myself to be into. I begged for a boy to stay when clearly he was in love with another girl. Endless calls and messages were given to a boy whom clearly didn’t want me. I asked for chances to change and to prove that I could be the one even though the difficult situation we were in at that time was not caused by me. I degraded myself to be at par with a boy who didn’t want to change for the better. I stayed with a boy who had issues by convincing me that his actions were only temporary. I changed so much for boys, I forgot who I was. Later on, I turned cold and mean - everything I promised I wouldn’t be.
All of that changed after I found myself again. Heartbreaks after heartbreaks, I realized that I deserve someone who is worthy of me and I started respecting myself. Instead of always thinking I am not good enough because of boys who couldn’t afford to love me, I focused more on the characteristics I possess and how that can mould me into a better human being. Boys not knowing how to treat me right is not an indicator of my self-worth or who I am as a person. I no longer seek validations from boys, let alone their love. Why? Because all I will ever need is me and what I think of myself. What I do, what I say, how I handle things and how I view the world as it is are the elements that make me, well, ME. I am often told that a woman who speaks her mind is bossy and a woman who is independent is usually seen as snobbish. Hence, I remind myself every day that viewing myself as a queen and acknowledging the fact that I deserve nothing but the best do not make me conceited nor narcissistic. I personally believe in “likes attract likes”. For example, when you are the best version of yourself, you will attract the same and if you’re not, vice versa.
However, I understand that such self-awareness is hard to achieve when one is at his/her lowest. Moving on is never easy because you are in that phase where you feel like the universe is against you being content. But I have always been a firm believer of the phrase “time heals everything”. Time does heal a lot of situations - broken hearts, broken friendships, broken family & etc. You need to endure the sadness and believe that things will get better. I have to admit, being sad is inevitable regardless of the cause. Therefore, you are never alone in this kind of situation because everyone goes through it. But what makes a person different from one another is how he/she handles it and of course, the problem itself. At the end of the day, bad experiences will only make you a stronger individual. Hence, have faith. A broken heart is not the end of your world, it is only a beginning of something better.
Semester 3 of LLB (Hons)
Its 3:30am at the moment and I can’t seem to shut my eyes. As you can see from the tittle, here’s a continuation post on my law degree journey. Semester 3... Hmmm... to be honest, I don’t remember much about it. It’s pretty vague to me but I can clearly remember the first thing I did before heading back to my rumah sewa (KV) - picked up my new pair of Stan Smith which I bought with my own money and visited my little sister at her boarding school.
I still stayed in the same house with the same housemates. So, no pressure on that part and just like everyone else I guess, we bonded even more! September 2016 was the month that Fina and I basically went back and forth to the airport to say our goodbyes to our friends who were flying overseas. Words cannot even depict how proud we are of our friends but despite that, deep down, Fina and I always nag to each other “Kenapalah kita tak belajar elok-elok masa SPM” or something along the lines of “Kalau kita tak banyak main masa dekat TKC, confirm kita pun fly doh”. But what to do, UiTM sahajalah di hati kami (not saying that its a bad thing though, don’t get me wrong) ♡
1st year of LLB gave me a vivid picture on how law school is going to be like. Hence, I was basically prepared that the classes are going to be more difficult. The subjects that I took were basically new and I could even choose an elective subject;
EQUITY AND TRUST
LAND LAW 1
CRIMINAL LAW 1
ADMINISTRATIVE LAW
ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (elective)
LITERARY APPRECIATION
DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY IMAGING II
INTRODUCTORY JAPANESE (LEVEL III)
Just like previous semesters, I worked hard on the study part. But this time around I started studying early. And when I said early, I legit started doing my revision during Week 3. However, I had a few problems during this semester - one of my lecturer was sick and it so happened to be that the subject she was teaching was one of the hardest subjects ever. Hence, I was lost most of the time especially during her absence and I even cried while answering the paper during the final exam. Anyways, during study week, everyone did their revision in the living room. There were a lot of discussions going on and we helped each other out on the memorising part. Also, I slept before my papers without fail (this surprised me & my housemates hahaha). Everyone knows how kiasu I can be during final exam but fortunately, that changed and I’m so happy that it did :)
Moving on, I joined the ALSA Client Consultation Competition. It was a last minute participation. Initially, I was only a committee for that event but then I decided to face my fear because come on, we all know how much of scaredy-cat I am when it comes to talking in public and I figured “bila lagi?”. I told myself “Sampai bila nak jadi pengecut Aida Shahima?!?!” So, I teamed up with Iqbal (senior) and we managed to get 2nd place despite being first-timers! Also, I was chosen to represent UiTM to Terengganu for the the national level competition. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT man! But yeah, your girl DID that. Mind you, the competition was only a week away from final exam so I struggled a bit in balancing things.
All in all, Semester 3 was great! I struggled a lot with my studies but it wasn’t as bad as before. Maybe because I didn’t pressure myself too much and I attained this level of ‘calmness’ by actually enjoying the moment. I ended my semester with a 3 pointer and so far, it’s the best one yet :) xx
I stood in an empty room And heard everything it consumed. I covered my ears To stop the tears. But I heard it still Wanting me to kill. Back and forth I walked With ears remain blocked. But the voices got louder It was filled with anger. So I stopped and stared All shocked and scared. It said, "Inadequate, you are And I promise you won't go far. Try and try as you may But all you will see is grey. Unpleasant in the eyes No surprise you are despise. You are not only plain But also a pain. A sham from the start I hope you fall apart. Sincerely from me Your inner enemy." I tried really hard To not take it to the heart. Except it is easy to say Then to put it to play. But I will try my best To put it to rest. Please remember, Despite what you believe Know that you can achieve. For words within Should flow like the wind. Love who you are Because you are a shining star.
Words Within by Aida Shahima