Never crossed my mind nor my lips,
Never even once in my list,
But I ended up clicking Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah, Alor Setar during eHO just now.
First it showed database error at 11.59. Then I got into the system right at 12 on the dot. I was going fast I knew I was getting my first choice. And with everything happened so fast, I seriously got Pilah at first, I was literally only 1 click away, only few secs delayed, then puffff it was gone. Tears started dropping. So weird and felt unfair because it was only 12.01 but there was only fewww hospitals left. Panic kicked in because the available list wasnāt familiar at all. At all! There was Klang, but I donāt want Klang. Saw Taiping, and immediately clicked it next, but puff, gone. There was Johor but I didnāt know why I was not attracted to any. Called mom, cried. Canāt think straight canāt talk canāt decide. Ended the call with no decision because I was crying while thinking so hard and so fast to just click somewhere thatās popular which someone might want to swap later. But none that was left is popular. At the very last moment, Alor Setar was there, asked Kinah and Keya who were also panicking with me because we were late we didnāt get to choose yet, āAlor Setar keeee?ā, and then Kinah decided it, I saw Kinah clicked it and succeeded. Panicked so I followed fast, clicked and pufff,
I lost it. I lost the game. It isnāt my choice. I didnāt plan this. It wasnāt in my list, never has been. Never. But it happened.
I still canāt believe what and why itĀ happened. I didnāt plan to delay clicking Hantar and helped Wani when I got Pilah at first. I didnāt realized I made the decision for not clicking Hantar before helping Wani. It was my mistake. I shouldāve clicked Hantar first before my hand moved to Waniās mouse. Or else, I knew we could both get Pilah. I was getting Pilah because I got into the system earlier and smooth. I was there. I was so damn close.
I thought at least I have Kinah. At least I have her for my support. And Wani has swapped to Alor Setar too. At least, they are my support sytem for now. We only have each other.
484 kilometres, 4 hours and 50 minutes away from home. Unfamiliar, been there but never planned to come back.
Iām still crying while typing this entry.
I slept early and woke up in the middle of the night only to realize it wasnāt just a dream. I finally get to work, but in Hospital Alor Setar. Itās just.. too far away from home, from mama from abah, from my nephews and newborn niece. Iām so sad but I know I need to be thankful.
As a believer, yes insyaAllah, it may be the best for me and my future. For whatever happened today, I knew all along that Allah is the Best Planner of all. I may have my list but Allah has the best list for me. InsyaAllah Iāll find the hikmah soon, and write it here. Iāll find out if itās a nightmare or a sweet dream. Huhu.
So, ke jelapang padi ke kiteee!
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