so i just got a call from the specialist today and i have estimated my expenses for the appointment will be between $1200-1700 but i have until next year to save for that. but right now i am Fucked because i need to pay a $200 deposit but i am still in debt paying off my new phone cuz mine broke plus my credit card debts which were from paying bills. and basically the longer i put off paying the deposit the longer i have to wait for this appointment that will (hopefully) improve my QoL so i can like. hold a job lol. I need about $600 AUD to clear my debts and at least $200 for the deposit. If anyone can spare a couple bucks it would help me a lot. i know everyone is broke as fuck on here but my parents cant help me rn and im just trying to get back 2 being debt free asap so i can save up for this appointment. i had to quit my job cuz medical issues hence the appointment you know how it is. everyone on here got something wrong w them. I dont expect to get the full $600 but literally any amount will help.
p@ypal dot m3
reblogs are appreciated. srry for doing i feel bad LOL thank you. Any $ I no longer need i will give back 2 the community. THANK YOU
its long cuz i got the receipts and spoilers for one poker hen obviously lol
(kazunya i drew in 2018 as the splash page)
I used to get lit up on twitter for being a boukai hater so ive avoided talking about any meta analysis of their relationship dynamic. ppl are crazy as hell idc anymore tho im 30 or 40 years old i dont have time for this. This isnt about shipping at all to be very clear its more or less about if I think Kazuya could change after the events of One Poker and how I think he actually feels about Kaiji and people in general.
Ive mentioned I think Kazuya projects his mommy issues onto Kaiji but didnt elaborate well I guess i will elaborate now. cuz i think that is the crux of why his treatment towards Kaiji is the way it is. At least after Kaiji proves to him his capacity for compassion towards others by saving Chang and Mario, this is a major turning point. Any time before that i think its safe to assume Kazuya thought of Kaiji nothing more than another bum he could get some entertainment out of.
I don't think Kazuya actually has the capacity to love someone sexually/romantically at least not at this stage of his life. He never expresses attraction towards the women hes with just that they just bolster his status in the eyes of others. And i know people like to use some of the innuendo he uses towards Kaiji about wanting their body (parts) as proof hes freaky lol. But considering his role in Teiai, i think hes always been very exposed to using this kinda language to intimidate and humiliate people. The threat of sex trafficking has been brought up several times in the series as an intimidation tactic so i think his vague language was very intentional but again, only to be more threatening to Kaiji. I think it just further emphasizes how negatively Kazuya views sexual and romantic relationships, hes only ever been exposed to relationships that are purely transactional (its very heavily implied Sophie is a mail order bride, and Kazuya ignores his discomfort over this and brushes past it as quickly as possible)
In a lot of ways he acts like a child through mirroring the behaviors of the people around him but also but due to his stunted emotional maturity. This is the first think Kaiji says about Kazuya and i think they were right on the money with that one.
wait i found the page it took so long my god im rusty
And i do think a lot of that has to do with the fact he emotionally shuts himself off when he was only a toddler after the trauma he experiences with his mother "choosing" his brother over him. he also develops a very twisted idea of what what maternal love is. Something that is unconditional but selfish, he wants to be treated special and be put above everyone else by the person who loves him. Again very reminiscent of young children showing jealously over their siblings getting their mothers attention, which Kazuya very explicitly has a huge complex over.
he wants to be chosen above others. and i think this is what bothers him the most about Kaiji. Kaiji can save people he doesn't even know or care about. He doesn't want to save Kazuya cuz hes "special" he just does it cuz he would do that for anybody in his position. But he immediately turns on Kaiji when he is lead to believe Kaiji has failed to save him.
I do think his language is really interesting here where again. There's emphasis that Kaiji is a special exception as someone who would "choose" him. that no one else has the capacity for that. He also brings up earlier that he saved Chang and Mario, which really REALLY gets under his skin.
Again this is where i think the mommy issue projection comes in. His anger over not being chosen by Kaiji is immediately turned back towards Sophie when Kaiji leaves him alone. Sophie had multiple fail-safes to prevent Kazuya from dying, Kaiji was never supposed to survive this. In his mind its almost some kinda divine will he will never be chosen by his mother. Kaiji leaving him alone to die (at least in his perception) triggers the rejection he felt from his mother.
But before it even got to this point, Kaiji tried to stop Kazuya from losing, going as far as to tell him what card he had, and expressing pity towards the life Kazuya leads, despite Kazuya right from the jump only being set on having Kaiji die. If some random fail NEET bum has more love for you than your own mother you're basically fucked LOL.
Ultimately he rejects all of it and tries to kill Kaiji anyway, its a new excuse everytime for why Kaiji ACTUALLY wants to kill him. only when hes literally about to die does he finally give in and let himself believe Kaiji might genuinely want to save him, only to quickly reject it when it doesnt seem like Kaiji can. Its selfish right to the end, I feel like, if he did genuinely have a change of heart, he would've saw Kaiji's efforts to save him as genuine as opposed to giving up on them right away.
End of the day, Kaiji saving him isn't really "choosing" him. that isn't love. Again Kaiji would do that for anybody, he did it for Chang and Mario, people he didn't even know. So would Kazuya actually grateful for that? I don't think there's any mistaking Kaiji only feels pity, and yeah its comes from a genuine place but its not because its Kazuya specifically. And im not sure that would be enough to give Kazuya what he wants, and he ultimately rejects it.
I think if/when he wakes up theres a good chance he'll just figure out a secretly evil reason kaiji saved him, like, "maybe kaiji just didnt want me to die cuz of the consequences it would have" theres just no real indication hes changed his mindset from what we've seen.
This doesn't actually resolve any of his feelings towards his mother. They kind of just reinforce them. that someone who very openly does not like him did more to save him then his mother. and i don't know if he has the emotional capacity to accept that fact.
I think until the very end Kazuya continually rejected Kaiji and despised them for how that in turn further warped his negative view on his mother. At the very very end when hes about to die, he tried to use Kaiji as a means to heal the wound his mother left but then immediately rejects it when Kaiji fails to deliver on those expectations. It was like a last ditch effort to soothe himself and he couldnt even cope about it for more than 5 seconds. So I don't think Kaiji could ever fulfill that need even if for a moment he tried to make it work. I don't think this demonstrates a true change in mindset. I think he pulled himself right back into the cycle at the last minute. I think he could only ever break out of it he could forgive his mother and accept that she did love him. As everything he does is rooted in trying to make sense of why she didnt choose him.
Also side note its not Kaijis responsibility to fix this dude he needs to talk tuah a therapist anyway thats all bye.
i have nothing to do while im still kinda sick so lemme write up the kaiji trans lesbian post ive been sitting for for.. a long time because well i have a lot of thoughts. fair warning this is long as fuck
to preface i use any pronouns for kaiji + perceive them as being a nonbinary transfem dyke n well! this is a post about why i believe this. cuz i do genuinely think there is subtextual evidence within the canon to support this. oh also like expect spoilers for the entire series
Gonna try not to ramble too hardcore but i think a lot of the outcast narrative pervasive in kaiji is also very applicable to transness and gender non-conformity and this is imo supported within the text aswell. A lot of instances when kaiji is looked down upon is for failing at masculinity not just failing at being a "productive" member of society. and yeah those things are very much related with the whole, a man should be a provider etc. but kaijis femininity and inability to conform to and rejection from manhood is both enforced on the character but also i would argue kaiji rejects this themself.
This is evident as early as part one, particularly over kaijis hair
Kaijis hair is pretty symbolic of their outcasted status but also i think is really relatable to the trans experience too (especially transfem experience) the pressure to cut your hair so you look less feminine. Kaiji has canonically been growing their hair out since middle school
and later in part 6 this happens
and then we have very explicitly short hair being associated with the concept of kaiji finally becoming "a real man"
after this encounter too kaiji says this
again kaiji trying to be lowkey but is still attracting unwanted attention for being nonconforming, while yeah narratively its cuz this old lady makes it her problem their all NEETs but what intially prompts her to confront kaiji is the fact they are androgynous lol.
to jump back to part 1 kaiji is MUCH more self conscious about standing out and being different (although doesn't do anything appearance wise to conform better, which could mean nothing).
But in later parts, this attitude has changed a lot, the frustration turns outward. Again to go back to the part in the house they are more bothered now people have a problem with THEM over feeling it would be better if they could change. again this mindset they are fundamentally flawed is only really evident in part 1
I know the transmasc reading of kaiji is a pretty popular one, and yeah, a lot of these feelings are resonant for both transmasc and transfem people. BUT i do think kaiji leans more explicitly as being read as transfem and my reasoning for that is their relationship to womanhood.
This is a bit more meta but if you've ever read any other fukumoto works fukumoto really likes to make his protagonists either like , functionally asexual or pathetic virgins LOL, while protags like Akagi and Zero dont express any kind of attraction to anybody at any point. any character that does like women is usually fiending for that pussy.
When Kaiji expresses interest in girls its always within the context of wanting the girl to think their cool
cant even allow themselves to lez out in their dreams...
also when Kaiji does actually get to talk to a cute girl there more fixated on the idea of being seen as cool to her.
Again there's never a point where Kaiji ever tries to seek any kind of acceptance from the men they encounter. even in part 1 when they are explicitly more self hating, this never manifests in seeking any kind of approval. This follows with them feeling disappointed the cute girl wasn't more impressed
also i think its worth noting they make it very clear they want to be perceived as cool for being an accomplished gambler NOT just for having a lot of money. there's not really a sense kaiji wants to just buy the admiration of women. i could get into the way kaiji holds onto being good at gambling as the one thing that gives them worth but NOT THE POST FOR THAT, MOVING ON
now for the most telling part imo [famous representing all the women in the world panel analysis incoming]
When Kaiji meets those guys at the campsite, its very clear they find the way they talk about women and very off-putting, and what finally sets them off is that they share porn lol (and trying to pressure kaiji into joining in)
I think this is the most like overt expression of their disdain with being treated like a man, this is also probably the most honest they've ever been about these feelings. So yeah interesting this all comes out when their completely shitfaced, and they dont even realise what theyve been saying until after the fact.
jumping forward a little later into this arc...
When they are sober, in order to hide the fact there carrying like a bazillion dollars with them, they do play along with the pervy guy role to avoid suspicion (albeit extremely reluctantly).
Again its not like Kaiji straight up does not find women attractive at all, they just find this conversation nasty as hell (i mean like YEAH FAIR) but again, when they are drunk, they take it extremely personally as opposed to just. finding it gross as a dude who is like, normal lol.
^ kaiji finally coming into some acceptance of their butch realness
All that being said I do like that is becoming a lot more evident kaiji has a lot more self confidence throughout part 6 espec when you revisit...... now if you just go an see a therapist- ANYWAY
Kaiji also gets associated with motherly figures like... more than once lol. its a running gag in the fukumoto all stars comics based on that one line in part 2. i wont use that as evidence since those a gag comics but well, there out There JUST SAYING.
but i do want to add that in kaiji before espoir (the bonus prequel) its canonised that kaiji does indeed enjoy being praised by other for doing kind deeds
which isnt to suggest theres some selfish intent behind kaijis kindness just that. they do genuinely like being perceived as altruistic to some extent, despite having kinda complicated feelings about it intially (ie feeling flawed for not being able to participate in braves mens road). And yeah again this is something that is explicitly being feminized within the narrative.
Then theres like everything that happens in one poker lmfao. Thats a whole nother post but again theres a very pervasive theme of motherhood in that arc. Particularly a mothers love being unconditional. A lot of kazuya's hatred for kaiji comes from the fact they care about everybody unconditionally. And as someone who believes his own mother didnt truly care about him, this fucks him up big time.
this whole couple chapter in the finale of one poker is just kazuya projecting his mommy issues hardcore onto kaiji but well this aint about him! moving on!
again theres plenty of altruistic figures they couldve chosen to call kaiji but they use mother teresa cuz yeah she is in theory, a mother to the world type figure, someone perceived as loving strangers unconditionally. and yeah this is not just a throwaway thing its supported thematically throughout the narrative.
This might be a bit of a tangent but im mainly trying to emphasise kaiji is associated with femininity and this is something they like and accept about themselves (eventually, to some extent). and this is a core trait that makes them an exceptional person.
Its a good thing Kaiji is like this, Kaiji femininity is perceived as like, actual sainthood. And yet its still something consider innately wrong and incorrect by broader society. Despite all this, people still want kaiji to be a """real man""" instead. and idk, i just think this is something that makes me really love this series. The idea the very things kaiji is outcasted for is what makes them such a special person.
tl;dr trans dykes heal the world 5ever !!!!!
anyway i hope this is makes sense, and, well you agree with my beautiful and true autistic delusions <3
the circumstances that lead me to create this in 2017 i have completely forgotten but well i still like it so im letting it out the dungeon... its based off this video btw
the first kaiji pachislot's vhs promotional video in glorious 1080p
so I managed to get that vhs i bought from mercari digitized. only to find out it already on internet archive XDDDDDD
Nevertheless I decided to still upload the footage i got because its a higher resolution than what is available also it was really expensive to get done oh my god
do support the work of the creator who uploaded to footage to internet archive though, they do a lot of vhs archiving work and have a kofi. their upload is here
if anyone would like the original files (i have both PAL and NTSC versions) please dm me!
also to make me feel better about my trials and tribulations:
please take a look at & support my friends GFM + A local first nations org id like to bring more international attention to ^__^
the enlightened takeaway from both vnc and ph is that noé & gilbert should get together 💆 even though drinking gilberts blood with memory reading powers would give you the worst k-hole of your life.
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