Untitled @alexys618 - Tumblr Blog

Posts

100 pounds lighter...

5 different doctors..

5 months of no clear diagnoses

shattered. unrecognizable.

trapped. I feel like I'm decaying.

i feel weak. lost. helpless. hopless. jobless.

invincible chronic health issues. fighting my body internally everday.

#my writing #health #intersistialcytitis #autoimmine disease

Kind of want the world to stop feeling like this.

Tired of being tired

Tired of being strong

Tired of crying

Tired of Struggling

#sad thoughts #mentally tired

thoughtkick

“I hope you fall in love with someone who never lets you fall asleep thinking you’re unwanted.”

— Unknown

You’re not over me. But there is no us. You just see sex now when you look at me . And you still have it in your head that you’re the victim and that I never loved you because if I did I would’ve never left. Which is unfair. You remember all the times I cried? Trying to get you communicate with me and it was like I was talking to a ghost. I cried, I begged and you pushed me away. I stayed until I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Don’t ever question my loyalty. You needed respect to feel love I just needed you .. your love, nourishment. I never gave up. Until you made it clear you hated me. You didn’t want me. You never understood where I was coming from. You took my concerns/ feelings and opinions as nagging. You never sat there and tried to

Comprehend me. You made it known that you thought I was idiot and unworthy. I stood by you. You don’t put in perspective of all the history like I do. I loved you longer than we were actually together as couple. And I’ll probably always will even after all the heartbreak.

I believed in you. In us. You’re not the only one that has wants and needs I held on to you again and again the more you pushed me away the more I clung on to you.

“I took all my feelings my wants and needs and dreams and I buried them Inside of you. I planted a seed to watch and prayed over and over again . I planted myself inside of you and waited to bloom and the more I waited the more I realized the soil was hot and rocky and it was never going to bloom. But I held on to you, held on to you tighter every part of me, everything I had” #violadavis #quote

Any time someone or a thought in my head that crossed that you weren’t the best man for me I fought against every negative thought because I wanted us, I believed in you. Where ever you were going I wanted to be right there I believed in all your dreams. I waited and was hoping one day you would magically realize all the love and support I had for you that you would some day come back and tell me I deserved better and that you wanted to change and be better for me. But still you have in your mindset that I never loved you. And that I just left like it was nothing. So if you still can’t see the bigger picture don’t tell Me about your feelings and I won’t with mine.

#sad thoughts #my writing #fences

Shouldn’t I be proud for where I am now? It’s been a year and almost 5 months but somehow I still feel like I’m not where I should be.

I’ll probably never really get over you or us

I mean, we have two kids together. They are constant reminder of us.

I started to date again and sometimes I really wish he was you instead I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I deserve to move on.

He’s older his kids are grown and he’s not you I wanted something different I found out I was pregnant a few days ago and the first person I thought of was you and now I feel ashamed because I no longer wanted children here I am again pregnant but this time it feels wrong. I don’t think I can keep this baby but I don’t believe in abortions either. I don’t know what I’m gonna do and I’m so afraid of this coming out and hurting you, but why does it matter you took everything from me I had to start completely over, I lost my apartment. I lost what I thought was a home and you and us the kids and I were homeless for five months. I finally started working again I finally started putting myself out there again. I went to therapy I thought I healed from us, but again, how can I ever truly heal from someone who doesn’t realize all the pain that they’ve caused me

I’m now pregnant by a man who doesn’t want this child, but wants to be a part of my life how do I fall in the one to two percentage of getting pregnant? He got a vasectomy done. But here I am still pregnant and the reason why I thought of you right away because this baby will be born in August, and we always talked about having an August baby. Been broken up for almost a year and five months and realistically, I know that’s not enough time to fully heal, after all the abuse after all the trauma, but I thought I was OK but finding out I was pregnant made me feel like I was betraying you. It doesn’t even make sense how my brain thinks the way that it does you are not the man that honors me the values me we can’t even coparent now, but somehow you tell me you’re not over me but you can’t do the things I need you to do as a man, so yeah I wanted to move on. I wanted to try because I can’t wait. I can’t wait for you. I can’t wait for you to wake up one day and apologize for all the pain, I can’t wait for you to realize that it’s always been me. I’m not this toy that you get to play with when you want to so here I am three kids later single no car paying 1600 in rent for an apartment that looks like i should be paying only 950.

I’m dating somebody I’ve only known for four months but God magically wanted to give me a baby again after everything that I’ve been through this year I don’t know whether this is actually from God or karma. but how can a baby be karma?

I thought I accepted where we are now I thought I had peace knowing that you can never give me the closure that I thought I needed but now I feel like I’m back to square one you told me the other day that you weren’t over us while I have another man’s baby inside of me But in the mist of you telling me you’re not over us. We are arguing about decisions when it comes to our boys sometimes I think you miss me, but I don’t really think you actually miss me. I think you miss the thought of having somebody always there the thought of somebody taking care of you and the fact that we share two kids together will always be connected and because since we met when we were children, it’s hard to let go, but once I were to tell you that I’m carrying somebody else’s child, you won’t tell me anymore that you’re not over me and it’s not like you’re doing anything now so have me back in your life it’s not like you apologize or genuinely apologized where are you have changed? I think you like to feed me breadcrumbs to keep me on the back burner, and the mist of hoping that I don’t ever move on. How is it OK you were the one that was abusive, mentally and emotionally but it wasn’t always like that you were trying charming your inspiring you were the man of my dreams. I thought I was gonna have the career, the house the dog, the happy family, but you sold the façade And I’m still here picking up the pieces. I lost my best friend and now I’m in a situation where you’re the only person I wanna talk to you when I can’t talk to you because you will shame me. You will be mad at me for trying to move on you would slut shame me. I can’t bring another baby in this world but I can’t have an abortion. How can I bring a baby in this world knowing the father doesn’t want this baby? Why am I worried about breaking your heart when you broke mine repeatedly and didn’t blink twice. I am lost. There are no words.

chcrrycosmos

In every lifetime, every universe, my soul will be drawn to yours.

I will choose you in every life.

thehopefulquotes

“It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.”

— Rob Bell

Currently grieving of someone who is very much alive or maybe the life I wanted he isn't the person i thought he was.. Or could've been

The glimpse of goodness in him was a facade.

Trying to accept I may never get closure, an apology

And I may have to get closure from this chapter of my life within me

I want Justice for my daughter

Because he can’t take accountability

For all the abuse

Single mom of 3 at least the boys are so young they won't remember

Dealing with my emotions and my scars everyday and trying to be strong for them

When you have dyfys and the system involved and they constantly fail you

When your four-year-old gets easily triggered by flashbacks of the abuse he put her through and me. I feel hopeless.

My heart is broken

But I must go on.

#narsissist #physical abuse #mental abuse #my writing #momof3 #heartbreak #im tryin so hard

missinyouiskillingme

“However much you wanted someone to want you, there was nothing you could do to make it happen. Whatever you did for them, whatever you gave them, whatever you let them take, it could never be enough. Never enough to be sure. Never enough to satisfy them. Never enough to stop them walking away. Never enough to make them love you.”

Manna Francis

quotefeeling

“At least I’m not as sad as I used to be.”

— fun.

thoughtkick

“All I want is someone decent. You know? Kind. Good. Like in all those love stories I’m such an expert on. It can’t just be fiction. It can’t. Those guys are out there, I know it. I just can’t find them.”

— Sarah Dessen, Saint Anything