“You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed.”
So, this whole blog thing is yet another useless therapy-mandated coping mechanism. According to my shrink this is meant to "provide an outlet to voice my feelings and decrease the possibility of relapse”, but what the hell even is there to voice anymore? I could scream at everyone around me until my throat is raw and they still wouldn’t fucking listen. And even if someone did, I doubt they’d know what to do with me other than just throwing me in a treatment program and hoping for the best.
I gave up on getting better a long time ago, but my parents are still out here frantically searching for a miracle cure after all these years. They think any problem can disappear if they throw enough money at it, and apparently I fall in that category too. They’ve tried everything under the damn sun by now. Rehab, meds, the works— only for it to all go to shit over and over again. I wish they’d just give up already and accept that I’m gonna be like this for the rest of my life, that it’s a waste of time trying so hard to fix me if I already know that I’m broken beyond repair. If I’ve realised that I’ll never be able to get clean and drag myself out of this, why can’t they? Besides, I don’t think the entire internet knowing how screwed up I am will make any difference.
I'm guessing I’m excepted to put a proper introduction here, but people aren’t worth my fucking time. I don’t have friends, and I don’t plan on making them. If everyone at school wants to tear me to shreds anyway, why should I bother? (And if anyone tries to, then I’ll do it back. They can’t hurt me if I hurt them first.) All you need to know is that I read a ton. I listen to music. I draw sometimes, too. Send me stuff if you want, as long as you're not an asshole.
(ooc info for this blog under cut!!)
HI!!!! Mod is @marked4evil. Figured I’d make a rp blog of one of my favourite ever characters. You only live once after all! Anyway take me yapping about how I’m characterising connor and some random silly headcanons you’ve likely already heard on here lol
—i’m verrrry down to rp on here!!! just obviously no heavy nsfw or anything like that
—writing/portrayal wise, this blog is a weird little amalgamation of killian!connor and rhys!connor with a hefty dose of my headcanons in here too
—undiagnosed adhd, which is certainly a… fun combo with everything else going on with him (ik for a fact that killian!connor is intentionally adhd coded so..)
—writing wise, this blog is essentially just if all the shit that went down with evan never happened. essentially just an alive au except he's still in a very fucked up place mentally
—cuz this blog is based off two of the connors from the international tour and how they very much play into this, he’s really hostile but it’s just the most obvious defence mechanism EVER. can’t let them get too close ya know???
—the portrayals that are the basis of my blog also rlly play into the person he was beneath all that, which is great cuz personally writing him trying to be chill is very fun lmao
—yes, the username is a fall out boy reference. i will write connor to be an alt loser music wise and there is nothing you can do about it muahahahaaaa!!!! (i hc him as listening to a shit ton of pop punk/emo alongside his canon music taste)
—doc martens wearer. enough said.
—he’s absolutely covered in godawful edgy stick and poke tattoos. obviously he’s a canon artist so i hc that he draws the designs himself but then ends up doing the actual tattoos whilst high so they obviously don’t look as good
—is the most impatient fucker ever when it comes to waiting for his nails to dry. like you can visibly see where the polish is smudged from him touching things with it wet
—has some shitty wonky selfdone ear piercings that were done with a blunt safety pin since larry and cynthia wouldn’t let him get them done professionally
—occasionally takes his sketchbook around with him, and draws in it if he has nothing better to do.
MAINS
this isn’t really a mains list per se bc i’m down to interact with basically anyone, but more just other accounts i love :D (
Here’s a book I think you’ll like, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak!
🎂🎂🎂
You do know you’re almost a week late, right? Thanks for the recommendation, though. I’ll check it out once I actually start to enjoy stuff again, however far away that is.
You seem to not care too much for birthday wishes, but still, happy birthday, connor!
(And happy birthday mod, too!)
Thanks, I guess. Even if birthdays in general seem kind of pointless, I guess I’ve gotta appreciate the sentiment. The concept of having a whole day to yourself where you get a ton of stuff and everyone’s obligated to be nice to you only works if people were nice to you in the first place, and there’s only so much performative kindness I can take.
So, I’ve survived yet another trip around the massive fireball in the sky. It’ll probably be the last, but it’s the one day of the year where people have the decency to at least pretend to care. Cause after all, some half-assed birthday wishes from the same people who’d gut me if they had the chance will make me feel much better, right? Pretty ironic that it’s the day after April fools, too. My life’s almost a joke! And I’m just ecstatic for another year of my parents breathing down my neck about what I’m gonna do with my life. Hopefully they think six feet under is a valid answer. I sit through the same meaningless speech about how much better everything’s apparently gonna get year after year, and nothing ever changes. Suprise, everyone! I’m still the same fuckup that I was 365 days ago.
And i dont mean it in a goody-two-shoes resolver way, i just lowk feel so bad
(also im happy you're not letting him do that shit he needs to be taken down a peg-)
@eli-jahhansen
I don’t need (or deserve) your pity, it’s not that big of a deal. After a while, you kind of just adapt to everyone hating your guts. Well, enough to know how to shut them down at least.
I was thinking maybe you could be a little gentler with Jared? I mean, not force! I know he can be a bit…difficult sometimes? But I'm also trying to persuade him not to be such a…jerk.
from- @i-luv-tree
Oh, spare me all the “it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation!” bullshit. I've sat through enough of it by now. Obviously I know people have reasons for being the way they are, but I'm not just gonna let them think they can walk all over me!
did you hear that someone is planning to put me and Hansen on a "blind" date?
i thought you might think it was amusing
-@insanely-cool-jared-kleinman-69
Oh, great. You're back. What’s it gonna take for you to leave me the fuck alone?! You’re right though, that’s hilarious now that I think about it. I know I’m far from liked, but at least nobody’s trying to set me up out of pity! That’s just sad, honestly.
did you hear that someone is planning to put me and Hansen on a "blind" date?
i thought you might think it was amusing
-@insanely-cool-jared-kleinman-69
Oh, great. You're back. What’s it gonna take for you to leave me the fuck alone?! You’re right though, that’s hilarious now that I think about it. I know I’m far from liked, but at least nobody’s trying to set me up out of pity! That’s just sad, honestly.
Ah I'm so sorry if this is weird please please don't take this weird (◞‸◟)
But I've seen you around school and you look really super rad and I'm a teensy bit jealous! I don't get why people are so awful to you god people are the worst :(
Anywhoo I have a question for you!!!
Are you in any fandoms? If so which ones and do you have any recommendations or anyone you try to avoid?
(Also haha I'm in ur art and history classes! I'm the one that got shit for turning in fanart for a project (T_T))
(Agh that's an embarrassing thing to say as an identifier but I think its the only notsble thing I have on me in that fuckass place :/ )
What’s there to be jealous of? It’s hardly like anyone wants to end up this way. And thanks, but I don’t need your sympathy. People are gonna suck if they think you’re batshit insane and there’s no escaping it once they start to realise that they’re right. But that’s irrelevant. You asked me something, so now I have to answer it cause that’s how this hellscape works. I just don’t enjoy things anymore, so I’m not really in fanbases. I wouldn’t be touching them with a ten foot pole anyway. I already avoid everyone, and the people I’ve seen in them are pretty obnoxious. There’s still stuff I like, but they’re just distractions from how much everything sucks.
Hi there! Im from 3rd period and noticed the book you were reading
You have good taste dude
Thanks, but who even are you? No offence, but you must be a whole other level of socially irrelevant for me of all people to have no clue you existed until now.
i don't understand why people try to cyberbully you here
You've got enough of your own shit to deal with
Also take this a sort of apology for all the bullshit I've said to you, Murphy
-@insanely-cool-jared-kleinman-69
(p.s. you ever listened to Ewy or Modern Baseball? I don't actually know if you'd like either of them but it's worth a shot
Also I saw you like Green Day. They're actually pretty cool B] )
Oh, so now you’re sorry for treating me like shit all the time?! You could’ve at least told me sooner! Half-assed apologies don’t erase being just as complicit as everybody else. Now that you’ve suddenly decided you feel bad for making the target on my back even bigger, I have to act like nothing ever happened because you said a 5- letter word that people think magically gets them forgiveness. Fucking wonderful.
Actually, no. I’m not gonna smoke today just to spite you. Why do you even care, anyway? There’s way more interesting things out there than the drugs I do. Find someone else to get your kicks from and go get a fucking life.
(OOC: yes. yes you should. the deh rp scene must be revived.)
Hey so this is that person with a little fanatic of a cousin again, she's been giggling about your post since you posted it, she's never been this happy at home even tho she's a very bubbly kid so thank you :)
You’re welcome? To tell you the truth I’m not exactly good with kids, but if one idolises me for some reason then I’m not gonna burst their bubble. I probably should’ve though, following in my footsteps is a one-way ticket to ending up six feet under. Whatever, it’s.. pretty weird knowing that I kind of have fans now? Whining on the internet really does get you places, and those places apparently involve being admired by random edgy middle schoolers? I still don’t know what kind of kid sees a miserable stoner and goes "oh, he's cool!”, but I guess I have to appreciate the sentiment.
"Hello there, I think you're actually really cool :D"
So my younger cousin said this cuz she thinks you're very cool and handsome (her words not mine), do whatever you want with it. She's like—12 tho, and a big fan of you for some reason.
It’s not like there’s much to do with it. Hell, what are you even meant to do when you find out that a 12 year old thinks you’re handsome?! Stay in your age range, kid. But that aside, knowing that there’s some random angsty preteen out there that thinks I’m badass is actually really sweet. Well, I don’t have a clue why one would find me cool unless they’re also somehow really fucked up, but hey. The thought counts, I guess. At least there’s someone naive enough to believe I’m worth something.
It’s a mystery why you’re even bothering to greet me, but hi. I’m guessing you probably hate me just as much as everyone else, so if you’re here to shame me into oblivion for existing then all I’m asking is that you’re creative with it! Hearing the same shit over and over again gets annoying real fast.
Hi, you’re Connor, right? We have sixth period together? I just wanted to clarify that I was not mad at you earlier. First, my face does what it wants most of the time, and second, yea, I was just… not mad. Sorry about that.
I believe I’ve failed to properly introduce myself. I’m Elias. Devlin. Weird British exchange student, yea.
@your-local-vampire-guy
Jeez, will you stop walking on eggshells around me?! If this is a beg for friendship then how about you treat me like a person instead of a disaster waiting to happen? Maybe then I’d actually want to take up your offer. Surprisingly, I’m not gonna rip your face off if you’re within 6 feet of me. Well, it’s kind of 50-50, but still.
