Delusional

Very

[aliug]

Have you ever walked alone in a park? Went to the library by bus? Bought grocery by yourself? Had picnic without anyone? 

Have you ever gone to the movies without asking someone to come with? To a concert you so love that you had to go even when nobody else was interested to join? Have you ever had to carry your own laundry up and down the stairs because it was the weekend and no one is willing to help you out? Have you ever had to consult yourself for your own decisions whenever you’re in doubt?

Have you ever been alone? Felt lonely because you had no one? Literally and figuratively?

Well, I did. All of the above, and more. I have been by myself for quite a while now. I live in one roof with my family that I barely open up to.I have friends I can’t run to whenever I’m dealing with all types of problems that may require a martini. I have a boyfriend who is too fragile to handle another load of heavy baggage. I have everyone but still, I have no one.

For years now I have argued that everyone misunderstands me. I have pointed out who I really am because I believed I knew who I am, for who I know myself to be. I have stood up against everyone, including my own family, to hold my identity as I define it to be. But am I really that person? Was I wrong all this time? Were they seeing what I really am and I was just being blind and biased to the definitions of myself that I reject when it’s the hard truth?

Maybe, maybe not. There are four types of self that I can argue; one that they see, one that I see, one that both parties don’t see, and one that is yet to be seen (right???) Well, two of those might be correct. But quotes from the internet, articles from random ~famous~ pages on Facebook? A bunch of crap. A bunch of romanticized generalizations and stereotypes that hides the truth about social classes and gender norms. It wasn’t until lately that I realized I am not so constant with what I believe in, what I fight for and what I live by. I believe all the crap I see on Facebook, all the memes and quotes that are created by emotional people that are but pure emotional without wisdom. It’s so hard to argue that I am the right one when for all these years, I was the one being emotional over objective.

I don’t know how to know whether their definition of me is the truth or whether my definition of me is. My therapist wasn’t very helpful when I was really seeking for someone to help me diagnose my sickness since self-diagnosis is very dangerous, and ending my life will not solve anything, except maybe I will no longer feel the pain of being alive. Hanging out alone in this world is neck-tightening, like an upside down world I want to escape but can’t because it’s where I belong and it’s where people place me in. 

I don’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. There’s too much in my head.

[aliug]

Today,I was all over the place again. My emotions were in a roller-coaster ride. I couldn’t talk straight debating with my sister over the phone at work (can you believe we fought over the phone while I was at work? crazy relationship) and we didn’t even started from the reason why we fought! I was calling her to check if she was at her job that I covered for two weeks while she was away because I have gone closer to the little girl, but look where we are, back at it again with the no talking-no guila at home situation. Talking with her depresses me, honestly, without her even realizing it. She talks to me like she knows me and my feelings, my struggles and every piece of what I went through when she really doesn’t. She just assumes she does because we sleep side to side. I cried at work because of her (and believe me when I say I have been trying hard not to for the past six months) Sometimes she makes sense but oftentimes she judges my emotions and my reactions like she knows better. Circling back, we were arguing because of how my dad and I fought again because of my damned visa. He thought I wasn’t doing anything about it and that I was slacking with the process of it getting done all because he saw the flyers of a concert he assumed I was part of advertising. I was honestly not expecting any of that as my relationship with him has been better lately. We started texting outside my mom’s inclusion to all of it, we FaceTime each other, we call each other. He even let me drive his car! For more than a year of having an official driver’s license he never let me drive that big ass car! So it was really big for me that he let me borrow the car, more surprisingly during the time that he was away! All along (after the last big fight we had that I stayed at my boyfriend’s place for a week) our relationship was getting better, getting intimate, but then one wrong, unfollowed command, or probably his sugar level circled it back to zero. And of course I am to blame, I am the wrong and I am the rude one. In his eyes and in the eyes of my sister, and probably my mom too. 

Ugh venting has never been this hard. I miss writing like this. I haven’t written any blog post in forever even writing has been so strange now. My books unopened, my pens untouched. I am so strange and so is everything around me. It has never been the same since 2016 and I don’t know if it’s my incompatibility with my partner’s horoscope or just the results of my struggles that turned me into someone that nobody likes and adores, at least not like before.

[introvertfashion]

[aliug]

I’m almost 21 in a few months. Here’s a list of what I have realized in the past 20 years encountering different types of people and situations:

1. I’ve realized, no matter how hard you try, and you didn’t even have to try in the first place, people are going to treat you like shit. They will empathize with you because you need it, but they will be a different one once you turn your back. 

2. I’ve realized that when you push forth your worth, people are going to ignore it, and you will be the one who’s gonna get hurt.

3. I’ve realized that not all you consider as friends will stay as your friend for the rest of your life. Some will eventually turn into strangers. Some that you consider a family will turn into somebody you want to completely remove out of your life.

4. I’ve realized that you only put danger to yourself when you care too much. Matter of fact, you will appear at the opposite end of care to everyone, especially when you are not important, because apparently your care is just one opinion from the billion people that they want to hear it from.

5. I’ve realized, at the end of the day, all you have is yourself, your goddamn makeup and books, your laptop to type on, your homework to finish, some chores to do, and some pillow to cry on. I’ve realized no one’s going to save you but yourself. No one will ever understand you unless they are you. I’ve realized everyone is just as fake as this world. I’ve realized nobody stays true and real unless they benefit from it. And I’ve realized, no matter how many times I cry, no matter how many times I experience pain, I will still find myself alone, at the losing end, even if my intentions did not deserve it. 

[wordsnquotes]

I want to read and write and be very quiet.

Martha Gellhorn (via wnq-writers)

[wnq-writers]

It will hurt. And then one day it won’t. And until then, I will allow this pain to let me grow.

One day, lesbellesmarguerites  (via wnq-writers)

[dephus]

Inspirationa/Love Quotes ♡

[dephus]

I bet Her eyes are lighter than mine Her smile is brighter than mine Her hair is longer than mine Her laugh is sweeter than mine Her waist is narrower than mine Her touch is softer than mine Her mind is clearer than mine Her past is cleaner than mine Her lungs are healthier than mine Her thoughts are happier than mine Her hands are smaller than mine Her lips are fuller than mine Her thighs are thinner than mine Her heart is kinder than mine I bet You long for her achingly You crave her skin feverishly You think of her absentmindedly You gaze at her admiringly You bring her up countlessly You run to her instinctively I bet My skin is too calloused for you My silence is too quiet for you My voice is too rough for you My head is too damaged for you My heart is too broken for you My demons are too dangerous for you My history is too complicated for you My bones are too heavy for you I bet No matter The circumstances I Won’t Ever Be Enough.

(via ohteenscanrelate)

[wnq-writers]

i think it’s brave i think it’s brave that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for a rest i think it’s brave that you keep on living even if you don’t know how to anymore i think it’s brave that you push away the waves rolling in every day and you decide to fight i know there are days when you feel like giving up but i think it’s brave that you never do

Lana Rafaela (via wnq-writers)

[dephus]

For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.

Andrew McMahon (via ohteenscanrelate)

[anchorsdxwn-deactivated20151214]

me: sad because I’m not productive me: not productive because I’m sad

[written-on-polaroids]

“Hearts are breakable,” she said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before.”

Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels     (via written-on-polaroids)

[ikwt]

Sunrise in NYC (seandshoots) | instagram

[blossomfully]

“I hope we last. I hope we do. But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me: I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you. Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too. If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending. Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #132 (via blossomfully)

[dephus]

[dephus]

One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.

Michael Korda (via ohteenscanrelate)

[dephus]