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@alldelights
Deep Dive
The comedy club was dark, looked and smelled musty. Further in the back as we went through the tumble weeds of drunks the chlorine fogged in the air. Someone was sitting in our spot. We asked him to leave. He didn’t even put up a fight. More like he knew us, knew our status - what status? - and limbered up leaving our spot for our warmth to take over. I don’t know who you are, but I am calm. Shortly after the act took the stage I got up to go to the bathroom. Furthering in to the place and furthering into the chlorine smell, I slipped off my sandals and dipped my feet into the pool. I straightened my eyes into the deep to see different levels you can sink yourself on. I took the plunge and with my body extended, arms up to the spotlight as I sank, I landed on and put my knees to my chest. The bubbles from my body landing surrounded and floated to the spotlight above. I watched as they clustered and pushed each other away to win their placement to the surface. I walked over, hearing the water move with my legs. I leaned over just like I did before the dive, seeing others move around in the waters rhythm. I noticed lights below, an octopus making its way to the surface. My air became short. I pushed my legs against the landing and started reaching to the spotlight. The spotlight turned dim and glowed. As I got closer, my air escaped. I didn’t struggle. I curved my arms and floated.
Mushrooms around the house.
2018
We’ve been hiding in for a whole month.
I am in this limbo. I am in the cusp of being happy but with remembrances of every day sadness. And it’s sad to say that this every day sadness has little build ups that make on gigantic build up. I’ll find myself at the end of the day staring at my bed if I ever felt like I was ok with today. I’m ok with life, but the life I am leading is so much of a build up and how to get theres that I am not sure where to seek my exhaustion or if there is any valid reasoning as to have one. Driving through the morning fog I thought of how love was in the past. Were they as wild and lustful as we are now?
Inherent Vice (2014) directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
I guess I’m ready. For what? For the rest of it.
You have done this a hundred times. Will always do it. Always. I’m so tired of your lack of everything thoughtful, wise about you. You act like a child, a child that just asks and asks and never thinks and sucks one to death, and I’m sitting here just crying because it’s so hopeless to ever expect you to be otherwise.
Anaïs Nin, in a letter to Henry Miller, featured in A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953 (via luthienne)
While my fever is resting I have thought of you and I figured my best life choice was separating myself from you. As much as I loved you and how much I have cared for you, we will never be the same. I will not be able to hold you in high regard as you shredded my skin away from me and I can’t lie to you to tell you we are better off as friends. We are better off as nothing. Better off forgiving and leaving. And i say that with such luck for you in my voice. I hope the best for you. I hope you are happy and continue to health.
Practical Magic (1998)
Chicago Oct 21 - 24