PAUSE When Agitated (Better Yet: PAUSE to Prevent Future Agitation) "As we go through the day we pause, when agitated... " - from
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PAUSE When Agitated (Better Yet: PAUSE to Prevent Future Agitation) "As we go through the day we pause, when agitated... " - from
When "Hope Itself has become Degenerative," Strive Anyway!
Addiction is a degenerative disease characterized by progressive and sometimes irreversible deterioration and partial or total loss of all matter of bodily functions and organs.
Some changes are unchangeable (I'm getting a little choked up here).
Imagine being the sibling, parent or child of someone deep into their addiction. Now imagine wondering if the addict doesn't stop now, they may be on the road to where certain changes to their brain will become permanent. It may be too late already, you think.
You know that the addict or alcoholic is still using because you see with your own eyes that they have been slowly dying. You are glad when they get arrested because you know that when they are behind bars, their disease has also been arrested. It's not living, but it's not dying either. You squeeze a little hope out of this jail cell interruption. This is wearing on you, has been wearing you down for years now. Your hopes are slowly eroding, hoping for the best, but beginning to expect the worst.
Each time, each relapse, each arrest, each drama more like the countless times before. Hope itself has become degenerative.
Unwillingly, you are swept up in your user's addiction too.
You, too, will now need help.
Whether you can feel it yet or not, you are becoming the victim of a victim of addiction. Twice removed from reality you may begin to wonder about those around you. Are they becoming a victim of a victim of a victim? Thrice removed?
Addiction spreads outward from the human pool, infecting the waters.
None will be untouched.
These waters have become dark and silent.
You have long felt that everything you do and/or don't do has somehow become part of the problem.
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
You'll hear this in an Al-Anon meeting. The 3 C's. Cause, Control, Cure. "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
There are no 100% right or easy answers. Every situation is different. Every person is different.
It is easy to forget that Change is Possible.
"Addiction spreads outward from the human pool, infecting the waters. None will be untouched.
These waters have become dark and silent."
"Hope is still possible," I tell you.
You are reluctant. You've heard it all before, from the addict, from others in recovery, from deep within your own heart (I'm getting a little choked up here).
Change is Possible.
I've seen it before.
I warn you that I've seen people suffer permanent brain damage. Suicide. Complete and utter hopelessness. But I have seen change, too. The possibility of change. The reemergence of hope after the smallest hope seemed nothing less than foolish.
I have seen too, that recovery may miraculously spread outward from the human pool, purifying the waters. All may begin to heal. These waters may become restorative and resilient.
"It is not the most intellectual or the strongest of species that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able to adapt to and adjust best to the changing environment in which it finds itself."- Charles Darwin
These are the waters in which we find ourselves. These are the waters of addiction, and these also are the waters of recovery. Every flick of our fins may move us towards the Beauty of Recovery and away from the Complicit and Degenerative qualities of Addiction.
Swim in the direction of Recovery and away from the progressive, downward pull of Addiction. There are 10,000 ways forward.
Find your way forward because "nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
Recovery is possible, doable, irreplaceable.
Strive.
Strive on.
It is the least, the most and sometimes the only thing that we can do.
Strive on!
*****
This Post is excerpted from my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
You may also wish to explore my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Print and Kindle Versions of Both Books are Available.
When "Hope Itself has become Degenerative," Strive Anyway!
Addiction is a degenerative disease characterized by progressive and sometimes irreversible deterioration and partial or total loss of all matter of bodily functions and organs.
Some changes are unchangeable (I'm getting a little choked up here).
Imagine being the sibling, parent or child of someone deep into their addiction. Now imagine wondering if the addict doesn't stop now, they may be on the road to where certain changes to their brain will become permanent. It may be too late already, you think.
You know that the addict or alcoholic is still using because you see with your own eyes that they have been slowly dying. You are glad when they get arrested because you know that when they are behind bars, their disease has also been arrested. It's not living, but it's not dying either. You squeeze a little hope out of this jail cell interruption. This is wearing on you, has been wearing you down for years now. Your hopes are slowly eroding, hoping for the best, but beginning to expect the worst.
Each time, each relapse, each arrest, each drama more like the countless times before. Hope itself has become degenerative.
Unwillingly, you are swept up in your user's addiction too.
You, too, will now need help.
Whether you can feel it yet or not, you are becoming the victim of a victim of addiction. Twice removed from reality you may begin to wonder about those around you. Are they becoming a victim of a victim of a victim? Thrice removed?
Addiction spreads outward from the human pool, infecting the waters.
None will be untouched.
These waters have become dark and silent.
You have long felt that everything you do and/or don't do has somehow become part of the problem.
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
You'll hear this in an Al-Anon meeting. The 3 C's. Cause, Control, Cure. "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
There are no 100% right or easy answers. Every situation is different. Every person is different.
It is easy to forget that Change is Possible.
"Addiction spreads outward from the human pool, infecting the waters. None will be untouched.
These waters have become dark and silent."
"Hope is still possible," I tell you.
You are reluctant. You've heard it all before, from the addict, from others in recovery, from deep within your own heart (I'm getting a little choked up here).
Change is Possible.
I've seen it before.
I warn you that I've seen people suffer permanent brain damage. Suicide. Complete and utter hopelessness. But I have seen change, too. The possibility of change. The reemergence of hope after the smallest hope seemed nothing less than foolish.
I have seen too, that recovery may miraculously spread outward from the human pool, purifying the waters. All may begin to heal. These waters may become restorative and resilient.
"It is not the most intellectual or the strongest of species that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able to adapt to and adjust best to the changing environment in which it finds itself."- Charles Darwin
These are the waters in which we find ourselves. These are the waters of addiction, and these also are the waters of recovery. Every flick of our fins may move us towards the Beauty of Recovery and away from the Complicit and Degenerative qualities of Addiction.
Swim in the direction of Recovery and away from the progressive, downward pull of Addiction. There are 10,000 ways forward.
Find your way forward because "nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
Recovery is possible, doable, irreplaceable.
Strive.
Strive on.
It is the least, the most and sometimes the only thing that we can do.
Strive on!
*****
This Post is excerpted from my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
You may also wish to explore my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Print and Kindle Versions of Both Books are Available.
"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." - Lucille Ball Had you
Relapse is Almost Always Possible Because "Healing May Paper Over the Horror..."
Like a punch in the gut, I re-read a recent Tweet: "Some people relapse starting with 'It couldn't have been that bad,' when, indeed, it was worse. Healing papers over part of the horror.... "
At one point, and it lasted for years, I felt as if I could not possibly exist without alcohol and that my life would be meaningless without it. I felt like a passenger on a plane that had been hijacked.
If it's going to crash, give me another drink as it spirals downward....
Now, happily living with many years of recovery under my belt, the very memory of the fact that I once thought I could not live without alcohol seems laughable. I have to remember that clearly, and in a healthy way. The (former) Relapse King (that's me!) must neither forget how bad it once was, nor diminish the long, hard road that has brought me to today.
I dare not let healing paper over the horror of addiction's progressive descent.
I have also learned to appreciate the many other memory-related problems that others endure, such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, in which an individual gets kind of stuck reliving the distress of emotions and circumstances no longer necessary or actual in the present reality. Rather than remembering, relearning, healing and moving on, the memory repeats itself on an endless loop with little or no healing occurring.
Clearly, I'm not a scientist, but I do have empathy for anyone who is suffering from or has suffered from PTSD. I suffered severe anxiety attacks when deep in my addiction to alcohol, but my anxiety in that dark place was a repeating loop-tape of a painful emptiness too difficult to quantify. If empathy isn't the right word, then perhaps the deepest of sympathies better describes my feelings for victims of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've been somewhere hear there. Luckily for me, my pain, relived, has softened over time.
Healing.
PTSD, for many soldiers, is a maladaptive response to the horrors of war. The horrors occurred and continue to reoccur in a way that is not helpful to neither them nor those around them.
My recovery has been about healing, too.
Normally, when a bone is broken, it heals, and the patient moves on. But in addiction, more than bones are broken. The healing is on a different level than strictly the physical (put aside damage done to every organ of the body, some permanent, some temporary). Sometimes the psychic healing is wallpapered over and the pains that addiction has caused wane over time (the built-in forgetter being sort of the antithesis of PTSD).
Again, healing done not quite right somehow.
"It couldn't have been that bad. I got over it."
A person accumulates a certain longevity in recovery. Things may be going well. Perhaps too well. They stop picking at the scab. The scab heals and goes away until eventually only a few scars remain. Even the scars begin to fade. "Maybe I can drink again, now that the debris of my addiction has been dealt with. It couldn't have been that bad." At some point in the healing process that idle thought is apt to occur to almost anyone.
There is no such thought allowed within my thick skull today. It was that bad. It always got worse. Longer and longer periods of sobriety followed by shorter and ever mor disastrous relapses. I will not let the healing process of recovery wallpaper over the horrors of addiction.
Instead of wallpapering over the pain, I think I'll stick to reading THE WRITING ON THE WALL: "Make no mistake, the Beast Inside is sleeping, Not Dead."
Oh... one last little thing...
It seems to me that my healing in recovery has surpassed the healing of a broken bone. A broken bone can heal only so well, back to its original form, at best. Recovery, seemingly, has this patient better off than I ever dreamed possible.
Impossible? No.
This (former) Relapse King is Living Proof.
*****
Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN
#alcoholism#addiction#recovery#books: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
Relapse is Almost Always Possible Because "Healing May Paper Over the Horror..."
Like a punch in the gut, I re-read a recent Tweet: "Some people relapse starting with 'It couldn't have been that bad,' when, indeed, it was worse. Healing papers over part of the horror.... "
At one point, and it lasted for years, I felt as if I could not possibly exist without alcohol and that my life would be meaningless without it. I felt like a passenger on a plane that had been hijacked.
If it's going to crash, give me another drink as it spirals downward....
Now, happily living with many years of recovery under my belt, the very memory of the fact that I once thought I could not live without alcohol seems laughable. I have to remember that clearly, and in a healthy way. The (former) Relapse King (that's me!) must neither forget how bad it once was, nor diminish the long, hard road that has brought me to today.
I dare not let healing paper over the horror of addiction's progressive descent.
I have also learned to appreciate the many other memory-related problems that others endure, such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, in which an individual gets kind of stuck reliving the distress of emotions and circumstances no longer necessary or actual in the present reality. Rather than remembering, relearning, healing and moving on, the memory repeats itself on an endless loop with little or no healing occurring.
Clearly, I'm not a scientist, but I do have empathy for anyone who is suffering from or has suffered from PTSD. I suffered severe anxiety attacks when deep in my addiction to alcohol, but my anxiety in that dark place was a repeating loop-tape of a painful emptiness too difficult to quantify. If empathy isn't the right word, then perhaps the deepest of sympathies better describes my feelings for victims of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've been somewhere hear there. Luckily for me, my pain, relived, has softened over time.
Healing.
PTSD, for many soldiers, is a maladaptive response to the horrors of war. The horrors occurred and continue to reoccur in a way that is not helpful to neither them nor those around them.
My recovery has been about healing, too.
Normally, when a bone is broken, it heals, and the patient moves on. But in addiction, more than bones are broken. The healing is on a different level than strictly the physical (put aside damage done to every organ of the body, some permanent, some temporary). Sometimes the psychic healing is wallpapered over and the pains that addiction has caused wane over time (the built-in forgetter being sort of the antithesis of PTSD).
Again, healing done not quite right somehow.
"It couldn't have been that bad. I got over it."
A person accumulates a certain longevity in recovery. Things may be going well. Perhaps too well. They stop picking at the scab. The scab heals and goes away until eventually only a few scars remain. Even the scars begin to fade. "Maybe I can drink again, now that the debris of my addiction has been dealt with. It couldn't have been that bad." At some point in the healing process that idle thought is apt to occur to almost anyone.
There is no such thought allowed within my thick skull today. It was that bad. It always got worse. Longer and longer periods of sobriety followed by shorter and ever mor disastrous relapses. I will not let the healing process of recovery wallpaper over the horrors of addiction.
Instead of wallpapering over the pain, I think I'll stick to reading THE WRITING ON THE WALL: "Make no mistake, the Beast Inside is sleeping, Not Dead."
Oh... one last little thing...
It seems to me that my healing in recovery has surpassed the healing of a broken bone. A broken bone can heal only so well, back to its original form, at best. Recovery, seemingly, has this patient better off than I ever dreamed possible.
Impossible? No.
This (former) Relapse King is Living Proof.
*****
Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN
#alcoholism#addiction#recovery#books: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Prepare Yourself for a Ninety (90) Course Meal of Recovery
This Ninety-Course Meal is easily digestible, composed of 90 Morsels, NOT AT ALL AS PICTURED. THAT would be a REAL Uppity-Uppity-Upper-Class Meal.
I'm talking about FOOD FOR THOUGHT, A 90-Chapter Meal in the form of a BOOK.
Sample ALL DRINKING ASIDE as you might try a morsel from a Salami & Cheese Tray at a Sam's Club or your local Supermarket. The First Chapter and part of the Second Chapter can be sampled for FREE on the Amazon link below. Click on "Look Inside" where an arrow points downward.
TAKE THE 90 CHAPTERS IN 90 DAYS CHALLENGE.
ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal:
In this 90-Chapter orchestration of autobiographical flashbacks, the author describes his descent into alcoholism while three fictional characters (unnoticed by him) discuss his prospects for recovery. This intense, introspective and illuminating fiction looks at alcoholism and addiction from the inside out and back again. The vicious cycles of alcoholic addiction: hospitals, detoxes, rehabs and relapse. Repeat, repeat, repeat. A textbook case of chronic chemical dependency, "All Drinking Aside" will provoke, deceive, disturb and annoy you while it entertains and informs. "All Drinking Aside" is Everybody's Autobiography" if you're an alcoholic and "Someone You Know: if you are not. #Immerse yourself in his Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in this Autobiographical Fiction.
Let the 60+ Reader Reviews help to whet your appetite.
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
#alcoholism#addiction#recovery#books
Print & Kindle versions are available.
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Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Dec
"Sometimes Suicide's Not Suicide at All.... It's Addiction Having the Last Word."
Back in my drinking days I just wanted to get as safely crazed as possible. How could that have been? Wanting to get as Safely Crazed as possible? Who was I then? How was I able to maintain? What was I thinking when I truly felt and believed that? Truly, suicide was never my intention.
Maybe you don't know about the bragging rights of getting high like I once did. Bragging "I was so fucked up last night" or "How did I ever get home? Can anyone tell me?" or perhaps more sheepishly sighing, "I don't remember a thing from last night" and all of these a subtle (and not so subtle) form of pride. A pride in how much I could drink and still sustain a career and housing. Boastful, but within certain limits. One did not want to boast too much.
"I was always a little afraid of pills. Taking one Quaalude and waiting an impatient hour for the effects had, in the past, led me to take a second Quaalude, only to regret it later, after the first one grabbed hold.
Administering the proper dosage of alcohol to achieve the desired effect seemed more manageable. Not strong enough? Switch from scotch and water to scotch on the rocks. Not fast enough? Use less ice. I felt more in control with my alcohol (italicized, because alcohol was my little baby: she never let me down)."
When one considers that I was a blackout drinker who continued to drink long after my ability to form memories dissipated, I still clung to the belief that, somehow, I had control over my drinking. I was always able to explain away the negative consequences of my drinking more easily than the other drugs. The other drugs could come and go as they pleased, but my drinking required more protection because it was always a necessity.
"Right before my last relapse, after having just gotten out of the hospital for an operation for abdominal hernias, I played Doctor with my prescribed pain medication. I took more than the prescribed dosage because I wanted quick relief. I was in pain. Then I didn't wait long enough for the next prescribed dosage time. Before you know it, I was immobile on the sidewalk, crazed. An ambulance was summoned by a passing stranger (apparently) and back to the hospital I went, having been just released a few short hours earlier."
This outcome was not my intention. My intentions were always good. My intent and my consequences rarely seemed to jive. It might best explain why I never was a social drinker. My drinking and drugging would always continue, no matter the consequences.
"If it takes eight pills to kill you, I used to feel safe taking six, and then two hours later I'd start wondering if it's safe to take another one or two. Never was it a case of wanting to commit suicide. I just wanted to get as safely crazed as possible."
"After the first drink, there is no other," That's how it was for me. Always another until my memory's obliteration. MORE was my operative word. And the operation was invariably a disaster.
Currently, with [18+] years of continuous sobriety, MODERATION is now the operative word for me. Moderation in all things (with the exception that I abstain from alcohol and other drugs). The middle way is my way of steering clear of the excesses of emotions or actions that might parallel the insane extremes of my 30 years of acute alcoholism.
Sometimes Addiction Does Not Have the Last Word, Recovery Does.
"Loving to drink. Living to drink. Dying to drink. Dying from drinking. This is the progression of alcoholism. Wanting to live. Learning to live. Loving to live. Living with love. This is the progression of recovery."
Sometimes suicide's not suicide at all. It's Addiction having the last word. But Sometimes Addiction Does Not Have the Last Word, Recovery Does.
Recovery, Sweet Recovery. Possible. Doable. Irreplaceable.
*****
This Post is excerpted from my Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
You may also wish to explore my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Print and Kindle Versions of Both Books are Available.
"A mind stretched by a new idea never shrinks back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Addiction narrowed my opti
NO MORE DRINKING GAMES... Simon says, "Stay Sober!" "I cannot betray today, the sober days leading up to now, this certain r
HIGH FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC? On the Road to Denial & DYSFUNCTION High-Functioning Alcoholic? I was high, alright. I was functioning. To
"What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes." - Samuel Beckett RADISHES & ROSEBUDS I, too, do n
"Don't Make Me Think, Don't Make Me Feel." [Think. Feel. Listen... REJOICE!!!] Using Drugs and Alcohol stopped the flow o
At some point, "I am the Actor Who Portrays Me + Alcohol is the Thug Who Betrayed Me" were my imagined copy and photo for the back
ALCOHOL: THE DEADLIEST DRUG (Street Drugs Don't Even Come Close)
The quality of street drugs is NOT controlled. People die every day and hour from ingesting, snorting and shooting up different substances than what they presume they had just purchased.
Alcohol IS a controlled substance. In my home state, Pennsylvania, liquor is sold by the State and monitored by a Liquor Control Board. You are certain of the quality and purity of every substance you purchase.
So, alcohol is safer than street drugs, right?
Absolutely.
Except for me.
It's not safe for me.
Not safe.
Presumably never was. A long, hard lesson to be learned.
A 30-year look back on my drinking experience has proven to me beyond doubt that it is not safe for me to drink under any and all circumstances or conditions. Ever. No matter how many decades between sips. Alcoholism and its attendant consequences have always been progressive for me. My life has always gotten progressively worse each and every time I have picked up a drink.
No matter the purity and proof of the alcohol I might ingest, it's me who is out of control whenever I drink. I'm a blackout drinker who continues to drink well after my ability to form memories has evaporated. My brain's desire for all else dissipates.
Alcohol replaces what alcohol displaces.
Illusion, delusion and insanity ensue. The only gain is loss. And loss is all.
After years of sustained sobriety, all street drugs, alcohol and prescription drugs (except as prescribed by a doctor) are off my Wish List, Bucket List and a List of other Lists. With no illusion of control over addictive substances, my recovery continues to flourish in their absence.
Period.
Pretty Poison, Sweet Poison, My Alcohol is the Deadliest Drug of All.
Recovery is my Substance.
Period.
*****
This Post is excerpted from my Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
You may also wish to explore my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
Print and Kindle Versions of Both Books are Available.
7,600+ Recovery Tweets: https://twitter.com/JimAnders4
AA Bookshelf Review of ALL DRINKING ASIDE: "A Powerful & Life-Affirming Book" (5***** Stars)
All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
by AA Bookshelf
*****
An autobiographical fiction, the author leads us through his struggle with alcohol, and his transition into recovery through keen looks into his three alter egos along the way.
Often humorous, sometimes painful, All Drinking Aside follows the desperation found dealing with the disease of alcoholism, but certainly one could replace alcohol with most any addiction, and find great insight into the journey of recovery.
This fictional autobiography of the journey from alcoholism to recovery takes a look into the thinking of addiction by looking into the author's alter egos, with humor and sometimes pain.
The author writes: “Addiction is a beast that lives within us. You cannot kill the beast. Denial, Anger, Fear will not kill it. Begging, pleading, blaming will not tame it. Depression, self-pity, doubt: They only feed it. Confront it as the beast will never die”.
A powerful and life-affirming book – highly recommended.
*****
To see more, here's the link https://www.aabookshelf.com/all-drinking-aside.../
ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c
7,600+ Recovery Tweets: https://twitter.com/JimAnders4
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