[alliyahbrownie]

This college thing is so stressful oh my gawddd . I originally did not want to go away. I wanted to stay at home and commute back and forth . Which did sound like a bad idea until I started to feel trapped and I took time to think about what would happen in the future. I feel that if I stay I would be saving a whole lot of money which is great but i would be still be spending a lot of money commuting back and forth for my classes . So I feel that if I stay home , ( being that I live with my grandparents ) , every move I make , I would be watched . I want to get my work done but I would like to get some freedom and have fun .Also if I stay home , I would be able to keep my job which is a BIG plus.  But at the same time I did not want to go away because my mother is in and out of the hospital and it cost money . Ugh I do not know what to do . Plus all the schools that were close but , I had the opportunity to dorm there , did not accept me : ( . So its just confusing . Its alot . Going away is sort of starting fresh , although I really do not want to leave behind alot of things , it would be good to start fresh. Going away also gives me a chance to grow by myself and find myself . 

The whole college thing , is scaring me . I mean I am ready to leave highschool but im scared . I feel Im not too ready for college but then there are days when I am ready to take on the experience. I know in my heart I could do it , if i push myself . After writing this ,I really need to make up my mind because the deadline is coming up and I have not one clue what I actually want to do or what seems better . Im so afraid that Im going to regret my decision.  

[alliyahbrownie]

Rest In Peace To This Guy . Boy Oh Boy Do I Miss Him . He passed away a few years ago and for a while , I was sad and hurt because we were not on the best term when he passed away .I actually got the chance to see him the hours before he passed away and I said no . I felt so horrible and cruel that I didnt want to see him . But when I think about it .. He hurt me . I thought he didnt love me . Which makes me laugh because when I look back at it he did. I remember that summer him and I spent together . Every morning he came to my house and we just hung out. He could always make me laugh . He had one of those laughs , that make you laugh harder because of their laugh . I also remember that time we had a snowball fight on my block . That was so much fun . Or Oh My God ! The time he picked me up from school and it was freezing outside and we had to walk home . We were so quite because it was so cold but everytime we looked at eachother , we busted out laughing . He had such a good spirit about him . I even remmeber the first time I saw him , I was kind of scared of him because , he said how he felt . He didnt care but yet he was really sweet. Ugh I wish i could just talk to him one more time and tell him how much I miss him . I wish him and I would have ended our silly problems . I wish I could just hear his laugh to warm my heart. 

I still wonder why it had to be him and Im still hurt that he is gone . But I have memories that will live on forever and ever . No one can ever take them away from me . I love him and Im glad he is in a better place . I guess God needed another warrior on his team . Rest In Peace Babyboy

[alliyahbrownie]

My biggest insecurities has to be My skin and my weight . I remember from when I was young I always had bad acne . My mother always used to tell me that she had really bad acne and so did my father . But she always said my father's face cleared up when he got older and hers got better as well.  Since  I can remember I been trying different things to get rid of all my pimples . But they just wont go away . They have gotten better since Im getting older but there are weeks when my face just becomes a pizza face . Although I never really got made fun of because it I felt people's eyes hurt just as much as their words. Like , I would catch people just looking at my face and that just makes me want to hide in my room.  Or the worst someone telling me , " Oh your face is bleeding " SO HUMILIATING . Then there is my weight . I never really had a problem with my weight until I got older . Now im struggling . This past year , I lost alot alot of weight , which I was happy about . But I gain 20 pounds within A few months . Which is horrible. I have been saying and wanting to go on a diet and exercise but it just does not work . As a teen I guess its hard because you see some many girls and I just feel so insecure about my weight. I know Im not big big but Im not where I want to be . And I think thats what matters.

Im in the process of learning how to accept and appreciate my body and what God has given me . I have to learn to rock with it . If you dont like it so be it and I will have to move on . Im not and never been a diet person so it will just take time . As to my acne , I pray one day it just clears up .   

[alliyahbrownie]

Roseanne

Roseanne is an American sitcom that was broadcasted on ABC from October 18, 1988, to May 20, 1997. Starring Roseanne Barr, the show revolved around the Conners, an Illinois working-class family. 

Roseanne is for sure one of my favorite shows. Not many people my age even care for this show but i am in love with. Unlike most sitcoms , the family on this show has realistic problems and do not always find a way to solve them in a 30 minutes period. Roseanne who is the mother and the main character , struggles to keep her family together with the help of many other . The show also displays issues of marriage, children, money, friendship and parents (in Law ) . I use to watch Roseanne everynight until I went to sleep but now they hardly play it so when i catch it , I catch. What makes me love the show so much , is because for one , its funny and because I can relate to at least of the characters on any episode . I especially love Roseanne because of the last episode. 

The last episode of Roseanne, Darlene's ( Roseanne's youngest daughter ) baby is home and receives special and private visits from each cast member . In which,  Becky ( Roseanne's first child) and Mark ( Becky's daughter )  reveal they are having a baby Roseanne makes the family say Grace before they have their pizza dinner in the living room, and she notes that people should give thanks all the time not just when something good happens. 

then at the end Roseanne is sitting in her office in the basement and she has just finished writing a book, but she says she changed alot in the book....  Dan ( Roseanne's husband ) really died at Darlene's wedding due to the heart attack. She felt so cheated and angry at him that in her story she had him cheat on her with another woman (never happened) She was so depressed she started wishing she had all the money in the world, so in her book she imagined winning the lottery Beverly (Roseanne's mom) was not gay after all. But Jackie ( Roseanne's sister ) was. And lastly, Mark was really Darlenes boyfriend and David was really Beckys boyfriend...Roseanne always thought they would make more sense the other way around so she switched it for her story....  It was the saddest, most thought provoking series finale I have ever seen...

I guess you would have to watch the show to understanding honestly . 

[alliyahbrownie]

DEAR DAD , 

Life sucks.. Sucks because I don't have you in my life, sucks because I have no idea on how you looked, sucks because I have nothing for you bu, sucks because Ive never gotten a chance to know you like the rest of my older siblings did, sucks because I will never get the chance to call you DAD or call you at all to complain to you about things, sucks because your not here to see us grow and to correct us.. My life sucks. I Miss you dad. R.I.P I love you.

My dad died in a motorcycle accident . My mom was engaged to him at the time and at the time i was only 6 months .

Sometimes I look at other people whose father is still alive but does not talk to them for whatever reason and I envy them. If I have the chance I always tell them to make things right because you need a father in your life and you never know when you will lose him . I do not have any , not one picture with my father and I . I never got to see the happiness and protectiveness in my father , that a father has when he looks at his daughter. I only have a picture where Im kinda photoshopped in a picture between him and my mother . Which kinda sucks but I cherish the picture like its a winning ticket for the lottery.  I guess thats one of the reasons Im always taking pictures . You never know what is going to happen and you want to leave memories for those you left behind. My dad also made a bunch of friends , which today I look at as some of my uncles and aunts . Anything goes wrong they come looking for ways to solve the problem. That is also another reason why im so emotional with my friends and with people . I always forgive me no matter what they did , which is so bittersweet. My father left behind three children . We all have different mothers , So you can say he was a ladies man. But i have a older brother and sister . My older sister doesnt know i exist ( long story ) and my older brother we connected about 5 years ago . My dads family ( his mom , dad and sister ) , Im not close to them . Most of the blame is on me . Im so uncomfortable with them . Its weird . 

I never got to personally know my dad . But i love him and miss him like i know him for his whole life . I hear story after story how he was no one to mess with but at the same time a great and caring guy. I even hear " Oh My God You Look So Much Like Your Father ". Most times i kinda just feel uncomfortable because all i have is a few pictures to judge that off of . My mm tells me I am a mixuture of both her and my dad . She says he is very laid back and always did what he wanted . He let his voice be heard and he was the leader of his pack . If that was true then we were just alike . Im so stubborn and into my feelings , its not even funny. I was wondered how would my life had been if he was still here . I wonder would he always yell at me or would he be the one to actually understand me . I know he a tuff guy and didnt take anything from anyone . He is respected by so many people where he grew up . I wish he was here to guide me or help me with picking whose a good guy for me and who isn't. I wish i could go to father daughter dances . I wish i was able to cry on his shoulders and he tell me pick my head . I wish i had memories and not just stories from other people . I wish he was still here to love me like i know he did. 

My mom always tells me do not be sad because he died , now you have someone to watch over you everyday . 

[alliyahbrownie]

One Thing I Learned In Highschool

Wow ! My highschool years are finally coming to an end . Ive been through hell and back during my four years in highschool. Coming into highschool , I tried to play it cool and of course like every other freshman , I tried to " fit it " and make as many friends as I could . But I also had an attitude that I didnt need any more friends because I already a group of bestfriends outside of school (that attitude stuck through my four years basically ) . My first two years , I was problem child. I was always in detention, arguing , and just a really lost little girl . I was trying to find myself. I was still I guess trying to fit in . In my sophomore year, I even got arrested .( long story ) I think from that day on , I learned you have to be there for yourself . Getting arrested , put me in a whole different mind set . Although I was always laughing and joking around , I felt alone , useless and just not me . Because everyone looked at me as such a strong person , NoOne ever asked how I was doing .  My Junior year I thought was going to be a fresh start , I had a boyfriend , it was the year 2013 ( 13 is my favorite number ) and I could finally wear those red sweaters . But 2013 , was my worst year in highschool. Actually looking at it, it was the year that taught me the most in highschool. During that year my mother had a brain aneurysm , my Grandmother died , and the one person i leaned on broke my heart. I felt numb . Most of the people that I knew or was close with in school knew about everything that was going on with me but didnt say anything . I just received sorry looks and hopeless smiles in the hallways.  

My senior year , I didnt think I would make it . Im so proud of myself . Although I wish I would have pushed myself a little bit more , I learned life lessons during these four year that I would have never understood if I were taught them ( If that makes sense to you ). I learned that I have to be myself no matter what the situation is . During my highschool years Ive made so many friends that I hope wont forget. But at the same time I realize not everyone is your friend. Also that everyone looks out for themselves so I need to do the same. I also learned not to judge a book by its cover . Ive met so many people in Spellman , I would have never thought I would be friends with.  I learned so much about myself , during my highschool years as well , Its amazing. i found out that I am a strong little cookie and great person. Ive broke down so many times in school and i learned that Im not alone ; there are people who are there for me and care about me . Recently Ive learned to keep my head up and keep moving . Not to worry about what every person has to say . And even if they say something , to get over it, not to let it break you . 

[alliyahbrownie]

My Biggest Fear Going To College .

I guess I'm really afraid to grow up . Im scared . Im not sure of what I am doing . I feel that i'm not ready for college . I feel that i didn't prepare myself like i should have . Do I wish i could do high school over ? No i enjoyed my high school years but i wish i was more into the whole college process. I am not one of those kids who have a dream school. When people ask me what school I what to go too OR where did i apply ? I simply respond : I don't know or a lot of schools in New York. Which gives of a feeling that i don't care about college . But I do care . I'm just not a school person , i'm not sure if i'm making the right decisions , and just nervous . Because i don't have a dream school im scared im not going to have that passion , i'm not going to have any drive. It weird transforming from being a Senior to a Freshman (again ) . I also worry what will happen to my group of best friends ( my pips ) will fall apart . Will my friends change ? Will I change ? I also worry so much , what will this do to my mother . ONE i am her only child , so watching me grow up and go off to college , I know this is killing her but at the same time making her proud . TWO . How in the world is college even going to get paid for  ? I know there is way I can get help But at the same time It's only my mom   and she doesn't even work and my little job at the Nursing Home isn't going to cut it . I look at other people and they look so ready and excited for college . Im so nervous that I not going to be able to do it . My Grandmother urges me to " be like " this person and that person in my family . But I am not them . Im scared im going to disappoint her because Im not going to live up to her expectations in college.  I know that I will apply myself , But I know I am not the top of the school top of kid my grandmother compares me too.  I don't want to go to some big time known college . So Im kinda of nervous at how people may look at the college I go too . But at the same time thats not me . I don't even want to go far because my mom is in and out the hospital. Im scared while im in college , something will happen to my mom . 

Its seems like my biggest fear going to college , is me , myself and I . 

[alliyahbrownie]

100 Nights Dinner .

I love food . I especially love a event with food . So of course I was excited to attend 100 Nights Dinner . But I had to work . I could have taken off from work , But Im planning on using my next few paychecks on my mommy's birthday present.  So while everyone was getting cute and dressed up , I was at the Nursing Home talking or bothering the residents . Residents who probably wanted me to shut or leave them alone. I love all f them . There are times when I cant stand them but 8 times out of 10 im so happy to see them . Working with the residents ( mostly 60 and older , some mental / physical problems ; others just old ) I basically just learn to appreciate life and try not to regret life.  Working at a nursing home is bittersweet. The pay is great ! But I have to deal with alot.  Im so so grateful for this job because not many teens are lucky even to get a job like this. Im getting great experience and learning so many things. Plus my boss is not one of those "oh my god i cant stand her bosses ". Although she can be something else at times , she works with my schedule , she is understanding and easy to get along with ! On that Friday I got out of work at 8'o'clock , the dinner was still going on.  On my way home i brough a big icecream from a frozen yogurt place called Peachwave , with a bunch of junk on top of the frozen yogurt . I was in a good mood too because i even brought one for my little cousin . When I got home , I got showered and got dressed . I refused to continue watch everyone from Spellman posting pictures , having a good time.. So I got ready and went out with my bestfriend . 

[alliyahbrownie]

Holidays, Media Creations ?

[alliyahbrownie]

The One Piece Of Technology I Cant Live Without . . .

What would i do with my handy dandy iphone . Ive had an iphone , since iphones came out . I like love them . I mean what's not to love about the iphone . They fit your hand just right , they are not too big and not too small . They just right. ! A whole day without my iphone , I think I might go crazy. I am a selfie queen . I love love love taking pictures of everything . I just love having memories I can look back on .And the iphone is perfect for that . Not only does it take great picture but also great videos . I not only love taking pictures and videos , i love listening to music . All kinds of music. I think i listen to music from my iphone at least everyday . Even though with the recent updates , they have taken off youtube , I can just get it for free in the app store. Oh My God !  I just  love that app store ! All the years I have had an iphone , I have never ever paid for an app .Because most of the time I get bored I can also play fun little games on my iphone. Even when I am at work , I use my iphone to take notes time to time. This iphone really has everything . One of the things I love the most on my iphone , is facetime. Esp. since no other phone has it . The iphone  even allows other apple users to see when I have read their message. I love this because 1 . TELLS PEOPLE WHEN IM NOT INTERESTED . 2 . ALLOWS PEOPLE TO SEE IM IGNORING THEM. OR 3. SIMPLY THAT I SAW THE MESSAGE SO THEY DONT HAVE KEEP ANNOYING ME.  I also love the cute iphone cases and iphone accessories.  The iphone is just so delicate and cute . Which could also be a bad thing. I think i have broke my iphone more then 5 times. I've cracked the screen too many times to count. I even dropped my iphone in the toilet once ,  BUT after a few days of soaking my iphone in rice it worked .  I am the only child ,My iphone keeps me company 24/7. iphone is life   my iphone is my everything and the piece of technology i cant live without .

[alliyahbrownie]

Introducing Myself

Heyyy . My name is Alliyah Brown , most people call me Leah . I was born and raised in the bronx .The part of the Bronx I'm from is referred to as "Uptown" . Which is not really known for the best things . I have been through and seen a lot of things I shouldn't have but it has raised me to be as tough as I am today . I finally turned 18 on January 13 and in a couple of months I will graduate from Cardinal Spellman High School Class of 2014 . I am a Bronx girl forreal . I love where I am from. I have always lived uptown . Which is one of the reasons I chose to go to school uptown. A few months after I was born my father passed away forcing my mother to be a single mom . She couldn't afford much so at first we lived in the projects. Which wasn't as bad as it is but it was ruff . We later moved to my Grandmothers house( my aunt and my grandparents lived there ) which was great. My cousin and friends lived on the same block so I always had company. For a while my cousin teased and pushed me around in front of everyone . Until I started standing up for myself. I guess that's one of the reasons I am so defensive and snappy. Introducing myself is easy but explaining who I am as an eighteen year old is actually the hard part .I am a very easy going person , i get along with most people but i do not take anything from anyone. I have a lot gained a lot friends because i can adjust to any type of people. I love making people laugh and love to make people feel comfortable. Although i have a lot of friends , i have four best friends. They are like my sisters because i am my mothers only child. Two years ago , my aunt that lives with me had a baby boy named Ethan. If you know me , you know he is my everything and more. Because he lives with me , i have basically raised him . I am not only his cousin but also his God-mother, which means a whole lot to me. He has taught me to be more sensitive toward people. I thought it was easy to explain myself in a few words but i am the type of person if you ask eight different people who i am , they will tell you eight different answers. I am the "crazy " friend but also the "mother" of my friends. I love trying new things and taking chances. I did things in my life , my mother would be disappointed and been through things that would scared her. I have matured in several different ways , that i sometimes surprise myself but i still am changing day by day.