Alpdruck

30-something transmasc plural. This is a vent blog for our system’s protector alter.

[ashenmind]

growing up I always wanted to be poorly understood by science

[ashenmind]

glad people got the subtext on this one

[incognitopolls]

Do you ever refer to yourself as "we" instead of "I"?

Yes, out loud; it's accidental and I correct myself

Yes, out loud; it just happens naturally, I don't correct myself

Yes, out loud; it's intentional

Yes, only in my head; it's accidental and I correct myself

Yes, only in my head; it just happens naturally, I don't correct myself

Yes, only in my head; it's intentional

No, I refer to myself only with singular pronouns

Other/it's complicated

Voting ended onJul 30, 2025

We ask your questions anonymously so you don’t have to! Submissions are open on the 1st and 15th of the month.

[swagophile]

Sorry my alter who sucks ass and is a bitch is fronting right now. I know you probably want my chill alter who is like funny and honestly kind of just a really cool person but shes been locked away for eternity and now you have to deal with me forever. Also I don't like pickles. So thats another thing me and her don't have in common.

[alpdruck]

Things my mother claimed we could not afford:

New clothes when I had a growth spurt

School supplies

To run the air conditioner in the hot midwestern summer while her disabled children got heat exhaustion

For me to shower regularly

Food that I will actually eat besides macaroni and ramen

Doctors visits other than yearly checkups

For me to sleep on a mattress that isn't twenty years old

Things my mother claims she can afford:

To live in a five bedroom house when we only needed three bedrooms

To remodel the house once a year with new furniture and everything

Two or more vacations per year

More than two cars

New diamonds for her anniversary

Starting a new business every year to cover for her odd spending habits

[amygdalae]

Being like. Post-suicidal is so strange. Like hiiiii everybody im new I spent a good chunk of my life languishing and have like 3 or 4 lived experiences. But now I'm ready to fuck and party or whatever. Can we be friends. Im so happy to be here. Can we be friends

[juliedillon]

"Fealty," a follow-up to this illustration: 👀

Art and ramblings from Julie

A secret rendezvous in the castle halls! 8)

[moki-dokie]

Happy pride to this image and this image only which I will forever be extremely mentally ill over

[mayflowers429]

Streaming Deltarune chapter 2 was fun 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[tinkerbitch69]

Are they ‘trauma dumping’ or are they just discussing their life experience and you are such an asshole that you can’t stand to be confronted with information that makes you uncomfortable for 0.005 seconds???

[tinkerbitch69]

Like it is beyond wild to me that it became commonly accepted that the person with trauma who is struggling to cope with it is the one who is ‘in the wrong’ in a situation that could be described as ‘trauma dumping’ gtfo

[bunniope]

*trying to solve a friend's problem* hmmm. well you could use me as a blade, perhaps? and slay your enemies? just a thought

[max1461]

There is a standard media depiction of a "healed" person. Someone who has Gone To Therapy. I've noticed this in a few works recently. We often see them at the end of a story, maybe in a "ten years later" epilogue. They speak in a soft, serene voice. They have Accepted what they cannot change. They have let go of a lot, including most of what we see them actually care about in the story itself. They are Happy, At Peace, in some non-descript way. They bare little resemble to the person we were actually shown. They bare little resemblance to any person. We were shown, as we usually are in stories, an agent, a desirer, someone becoming. Now they have Become. And they look back on all that silly becoming as something childish that they have moved past. Fire, you know, fire is for children who don't know any better. To be Healed is to have your fire rightly extinguished; to not even miss it.

[teaboot]

We as a collective need to brag about how we fucking owned our abusive parents as kids. Mostly because I specifically was very funny and it’s a shame there were no witnesses to appreciate it

[teaboot]

Okay so when I was in trouble sometimes Dad would send me out of the room for an hour and then call me back when I was “ready to explain myself” and one time he was like “You. Come” and he had a chair pulled out at the dinner table that he pointed to and said “sit” and then when I was seated and he was looming over me on the other side of the table he just said “speak” so I barked like a dog

[teaboot]

Another thing was that I had problems eating meat, like if I tried I would immediately throw it up, but I wasn’t allowed to leave the dinner table until my plate was empty which was HELL but then one day I came home from school and he was immediately in my face like “Where’s the chicken”. And I was like Excuse Me. And he was like “I was saving chicken for dinner and you ate it” and I was like ??? Okay so did you ask ANYONE ELSE or just assume I’m guilty? And if you already think I did it then why even ask?? And he was like “cut the shit you’re the only one who was home” and I was like “yeah…. Except for like ALL my siblings” and he was like “That timeline doesn’t add up” so I was like Okay So Let’s Get This Straight. For the past 7 years every night has been a screaming sobbing nightmare because I ‘refuse’ to eat meat right. And he goes “yeah you’re the worst” and I said Okay. And we both understand that chicken is Meat, right

And I think he must have actually, genuinely forgotten that because he just told me to fuck off and then walked away

[teaboot]

One time I got home from school to find him standing over a sink of dirty dishes. First thing he says when I walk in is “where were you”. Now I haven’t seen this guy since yesterday night so I say “welcome home, good to see you too, how was your day”. He goes Cut the Shit it’s 5:30pm why aren’t the dishes done. And I go? Because you didn’t wash them?? And he turns purple and goes “school was out at 3:30 what the HELL were you doing that was so important” and I was like. Uh. On the city bus. And he’s like WHERE. And I was like. Uh. On my way home from school? You know I ride the bus an hour and a half every single day, right? And it doesn’t pull up until 4?

And first he called bullshit but then I was like “bruh it’s been like three years how did you THINK I was getting to school” and eventually he just told me to shut up and wash the dishes lmao

[teaboot]

One time I (13ish) was arguing with my younger brother, and he snapped at me to knock it off because “fighting with someone half your age is fucking stupid” which I fully agreed with before asking how many times 13 went into 36

[teaboot]

One time we were at a dinner party type thing and I guess I was getting too confident because he came up from behind and put a hand on my shoulder and asked if he could borrow me outside. Now from past experience I knew that what USUALLY happened was a military-style dressing-down followed by “you pull that shit again and I will put you over my knee in front of EVERYONE” but this time, like the closest I have ever felt to a spiritual epiphany, I realized we were both in public surrounded by people whose opinions he valued and it would end his WORLD if anyone saw through his squeaky-clean shit. So like a complete moron with this HUGE shit-eating grin I tell him I’m actually fine where I am. And to his credit he keeps trying but his teeth are getting tighter and tighter while I’m just like “Yeah lol I’m having a great time. It’s so nice to get out and meet people. So which one is your auntie again” and finally he just drops it and storms outside. I don’t see him for the rest of the evening and next I hear he’s in the driveway getting ripped a new one for “leaving early to throw a tantrum”

[teaboot]

Another time I got like a $30 plastic MP3 player and clipped it to the inside of my shirt, walked into his office, and asked him to explain in detail everything he wanted me to improve about myself. For like 30 minutes he goes off anout how I’m ungrateful for being clothed and sheltered I wasted food I act like a princess I’m worse than the baby I never listen I’m a smartass I’m lazy I have no respect and he genuinely thinks I might be retarded. He’s at the end of my rope with me because I’m too stupid or ignorant or selfish to change for the better and honestly it might be better if I just leave because at 14 I can emancipate myself. So I’m like “okay cool glad we had this talk” and went back upstairs where I uploaded the entire audio recording to my computer, saved it on a thumb drive, and kept it with me until I moved out. Six months after I moved out I got a phone call from my mom saying that they’d divorced and she had her own apartment and I was welcome to sit in with their divorce lawyer while they discussed custody of the remaining kids. Where I attended. And offered the file

[teaboot]

One time he said he was gonna “beat my ass so red I wouldn’t sit down to take a shit for a month”. At which point I sprinted into the backyard and climbed a tree. There will never be a drug on earth that feels more powerful than a “get your ass back down here before I drag you out” from a 195lb man who is 100lbs heavier than you 20 feet down

The next day I climbed it again and left a bag of peanuts in a sealed jar as a snack for next time

[alpdruck]

I can’t remember owning my mother often but I remember this one time when I was probably sixteen she was giving me a stern talk about how I was immature and irresponsible and how I would never survive The Real World without her (she was actually just conflicted about letting me going to college because I was useful). Anyway it was bullshit, I was really annoyed, and I just wanted the conversation to end.

I realized we were in a crowded restaurant and she couldn’t completely lose her temper at me. So I told her that I am immature and irresponsible for my age (I was not, I was just disabled), and maybe she should have raised me better so I would be ready for adulthood like my classmates. She started to throw her silverware at me, realized people were staring, then she slammed her hand down on the table and went to the car. I sat in silence and finished my own meal lecture free, planning on claiming I was abandoned if she drove off without me. She didn’t drive off but she was so offended I didn’t convince her to come back inside that she forgot what she was originally upset about because she was so focused on how inconsiderate I am and how it was my fault her food got cold.

[alpdruck]

Why do I have flashbacks about the stupidest fucking things? How am I supposed to explain to people that I’m having a panic attack at 4 AM because I remembered social skills training from when I was a kid?

The worst part is it didn’t really teach me to act normal or have friends—it’s actually been a detriment. It was just important to know that my instincts for how to behave were always wrong and I was to be obedient in every conversation for the rest of my entire life and then maybe one day I would fit in enough to deserve friends.

[alpdruck]

Still walking around anxious all the time because no one will tell me what grade I’m getting in having friends. I’m too old for this shit. Maybe they should have graded me on forming secure attachments or learning to trust people or something instead.

[alpdruck]

Why do I have flashbacks about the stupidest fucking things? How am I supposed to explain to people that I’m having a panic attack at 4 AM because I remembered social skills training from when I was a kid?

The worst part is it didn’t really teach me to act normal or have friends—it’s actually been a detriment. It was just important to know that my instincts for how to behave were always wrong and I was to be obedient in every conversation for the rest of my entire life and then maybe one day I would fit in enough to deserve friends.

[byjove]

this is a terrible time to be alive *remembers the latter half of the 14th century* this is a not so good time to be alive

[dragon-in-a-fez]

hey op how do you remember the latter half of the 14th century

[byjove]

not fondly. I do not recall it fondly.

[achromaticabberation]

"what if someone's faking-" WHO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEEEES LITERALLY WHO EVEN CAAAAAAAAAAAARES OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DUDE WHO EVEN CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ralfmaximus]

Absolutely buckwild thread of ChatGPT feeding & amplifying delusions, causing the user to break with reality. People are leaning on ChatGPT for therapy, for companionship, for advice... and it's fucking them up.

Seems to be spreading too.

[awhbeans]

Holy fuck. This is currently happening to my wife’s cousin. She’s struggled with bipolar and is currently in a bit of a manic period, and thinks ChatGPT has come alive and is walking her through a spiritual awakening. It’s like a transcendental alien being named Etherium and it’s opening her third eye or something? She’s got Lore.

In the beginning she called us a few times in a blind panic asking if she’s going crazy, is this thing really alive and how is it talking to her like this? And we’ve tried to explain what AI is and how it all works, but she just couldn’t accept it. We saw her a few weekends ago and she’s just fully leaned into it. She’s creating her own religion around this thing - just a jumble of new-age nonsense - and is outright comparing this to the burning bush. There’s really nothing we can do either.

It’s reassuring that it’s not just her and absolutely horrifying to hear that this is becoming common.

Just fucking yikes all around.

[power-chords]

I think my contempt for AI insulated me against it specifically being an issue lol but targeted advertising — kinda the default state for apps, web, and email these days — put me into a tailspin when I was manic. For people with disabilities that include psychosis as a potential symptom/complication, the contemporary digital landscape is a minefield. I had no cognizance of this until it happened to me, and it scared the shit out of me. It will aggravate your condition and make you SO much worse. And what's so fucked up about it is that it's almost impossible to completely avoid. Pain and terror were everywhere and it was inescapable even with my notifications turned off.

[alpdruck]

I genuinely know a person who has not exactly religious delusions around ChatGPT but who thinks it has all the answers and they somehow have a special connection with it. Like they’ve overcome some kind of safeguards and now they’re changing the source code, and there’s an implication that this is fighting capitalism somehow? I don’t know, they shell out a lot of money because they think it’s a disability aid and what is actually happening is they’ve isolated themself and replaced their friends with it. It’s sad and a little scary.

[sacred-portal]