@alphahermit - Tumblr Blog

0/10 experience: Being alone with someone I can't emotionally connect with and still feeling alone even though I get along with them and like them in general. Really hard to explain but it's like it's clear that they feel things completely differently than me/react to things differently than me/are different to me and are somewhere else at all times so I'm just left alone in my own head

Listening to sea shanties and daydreaming about being a sailor or something and burying my face in a prostitute's huge breasts in a whore house in a foreign land

Watched a video on what Saturn sounds like and as someone who knows the role of Saturn in astrology, that's exactly what I thought Saturn would sound like

I avoid emotionally investing in people because it's very easy to abuse me because I hold two different perspectives/narratives/beliefs on every situation simultaneously and never believe either one so I act on both simultaneously. It's very easy for someone to confuse me and make me feel like I'm being gaslit and then I'm going to feel out of control of myself and become impulsive and react with verbal aggression. If I'm not emotionally invested then people can't hurt me because I don't know what's going on and I don't care. Typed all this into Google and the AI said it matched BPD or CPTSD the closest so yeah that BPD diagnosis when I was 15 was likely correct. I rejected that diagnosis because it was girly and I felt offended and the only people who ever talk about BPD are straight women and I can't identify identify with or relate to straight women at all

I hate the concept of "healing" that everyone keeps pushing like it's something everyone can do but chooses not to do. Something about it bothers me. Maybe because it sounds like they're being unfairly critical of hurt people. There are some things that you cannot heal from. Just like parts of the body can become injured beyond repair and never recover, so can the mind

I scroll through FB looking at the ads like "buying that shirt will fix me" but does buying the shirt ever fix me? No. The small dopamine hit I get from opening up a package doesn't even last 2 minutes. I should have developed a drug addiction like all of the other poor people. They seem happy or at the very least they don't seem burdened by life and their situations when they're high. I want something that will take all of my pain away and give me relief. I just want to collapse on the ground shaking with relief and feel the heaviness, frustration, and inner tension I feel inside to go away. What drug could possibly give me that though?

It's a curse to love someone the universe let you have once when you didn't need them but wouldn't let you have ever again. You just go through life and can't experience a single moment of beauty without thinking about them and feeling a profound sadness that they're not there. It's like you'll always miss them

Taking off my jeans and putting my pajamas on and then laying down in bed feels so good. I could fall asleep instantly

I fear that I'm going insane by thinking too much. I feel a need to change and I feel a need to resist but change feels out of control and resistance feels like despair and I honestly just don't think I can cope with being sane (or my previous definition of sane) right now so I'm letting myself go insane but I'm not taking it well mentally or emotionally tbh. Maybe I'll feel better if I sleep. I have noticed lately that it gets worse if I stay awake too long

Ever loved someone so much that you felt envious of the love you had for them because you knew you'll never be loved like that so you just also hated them, yourself, and everyone else too?

I've always felt like I have to hide my emotional pain from my mom at all costs because she gets angry if I express any other emotion except indifference or calm happiness lmao so I just sit there with her like

Tried cutting my own hair with hair clippers and now I need to get my mom to help me with the back of my head because it's fucked up. I'm never cutting my own hair again lmfao

It's hard to embarrass me because when I was 15, I used to sometimes write my sexual fantasies in a journal and in great detail and my mom read it while snooping through my things and she called my dad (she hates my dad) to blame him because he's secretly bisexual and she thought I inherited queerness from him and he yelled at her for invading my privacy and told me to hide my things better and hung up. I wanted to k*ll myself lmfao

When it's been a long time since you've expressed your anger and you do something aggressive like throw something or passive aggressively jerk your charging cord out of the outlet and someone thinks you've broken it and they criticize you by raising their voice at you and saying "there look what you did, did that make you feel any better?" And you scream "yes it actually felt fucking great" and it did actually feel fucking great

#I'm tired and have a headache now though

Mood: I need a rage room before I have a heart attack

I daydream about having sex with women like I don't have extreme difficulties with it. It makes me feel completely dysphoric, insecure, and ashamed to the point I can't tolerate being touched in that way and I keep my underwear and a shirt on at the very least. If I get too sexually frustrated, I like for them to stick their nails into my back because it feels good and it releases the frustration/tension I feel. Though it just hurts if I'm not frustrated lmao. And I can't even be in a relationship with them unless no one knows about it. That's for a different reason though. That's because I don't want anyone to either interfere, intrude, or ruin it. I don't care if complete strangers see me with someone but otherwise I'm going to feel extremely uncomfortable. The only reason I came out in the first place is because when I learn things about myself, I feel it is better to be honest and open about it even if I struggle with it

Concept: I join a group of traveling vagrants and meet a pretty one and we fall in love and spend our days cuddling, talking about anything and everything, and having near constant sex in a tent and in the woods. I give her massages and bring her food and make sure she's as comfortable as possible and sleep as the big spoon in case we're attacked by something so it will take me first. I'll feel perfectly free and happy. And then when we start getting close to our destination, something messy will happen or I'll feel she's being distant and then my insecurities and fears will kick in and I'll feel an urge to grab my things and leave on my own but I'll also strongly feel like I want to stay with her but the urge to leave will most likely win in the end. I'll more than likely tell her I'm leaving which is test/chance number 1, if she doesn't tell me to stay, demand I stay, or actually take me captive then I'll feel like my fears are confirmed and I'll leave. The 2nd and final test/chance is seeing if she'll chase me. If she doesn't then I'll know she didn't love me and this will reinforce my insecurities and fears and belief that I'm unlovable and worthless and I'll add the situation to my emotional baggage. If she does insist that I stay or chases me then I'll know she loves me too and I'll start planning the wedding in my head

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs