LucidPoet

The headspace of a lonely triangle.

[alucidpoet]

PenManShip

​ Three weird words to string together to mean how good a writer you are... well a welder of a pen to be more precise I guess that it comes from sailors, who were predominantly men whom were good at navigating/steering so they called them pen man ships? I don't know, I'm nervous. It's 1 am and I've exams tomorrow. Exams that mean an end, to the 4 years as a student in galway. I started with the word penmanship because mine isn't that great. It isn't the kind that a professor looks at immediately and says, yeah that's legible

That's easy to read. Great. Let's go right into this essay shall we, with a smile and a cup of tea. No. my writing is unkind. My a's look like o's my t's like r's or i's and sometime people just wouldn't believe how far I've gone in order for my p's to not look like d's or q's. I remember getting the L wrong in second grade, writing ​

That evening you collected me, from Pilar's place, she had a neighbour who smoked, and had a parrot named Jake. I don't know, it's late and I ramble. Perhaps it's to let my mind unravel. To put at ease the amalgamation of four years. And potentially hold back stress tears. Exam life is fine I'm sure. But only for those academic pure. The ones whom are mentally sound. Not charred by working year round. These rhyming little couplets I guess are cute. But I'm going to have to "dig deeper" and be more astute. I'll pack up my thoughts, they're enough for tonight. I turn over onto the other shoulder, and shut off the light. All whilst whispering, Goodnight.

[alucidpoet]

“A Lion”

A Lion.

Trapped, Caged. The steal grates. The eyes stare. A little girl with drops of vanilla ice cream in her hair. Do they not know me, if there’d be less iron between me and these caws i’d have sliced their eyes out raw.

They grabbed me, 4 on one and a tranquilliser gun. NO, I AM THE KING I yelled, my roar enough to stun. but without care they shoved me away.

silenced me with

my cytosine screamed the hairs on my back ice picks. Dragged away, fear, terror.

then, lethargy. its now the time when the man comes in, feeds me a steak and that little girl, with ice cream in her hair. can look on. knowing she, and I are “Safe"

[alucidpoet]

Today.

[alucidpoet]

“Ramblings on Education”

it feels like everyone is stuck waiting for change to happen, waiting for the next big thing to suddenly land on their doorstep and tell them THIS Is what you’ve been waiting for, DO THIS instead.

Its hard so hard to find the energy to just see something done, see something through.

Why is that the case?

why is it so troublesome to just do something great and get it done.

When I was younger things were easy. I’d do it, question why get an answer and then keep going.

Now the answers aren’t straight forwards, at best you can ask “What worked for you?” on both sides of my family i’ve hard workers who didn’t complete degrees who got quite far ahead in life.

But then again its just a simple degree, get it done.

Get it out of the way.

Succeed.

But that’s easier said than done, instead of simply doing something so mundane as a degree.

[alucidpoet]

Anger.

angry.

wall smashing

gut aching

laptop throwing

head numming anger.

dizzy with hunger

dissatisfied and uncontent with expression

living life in a double dipped fairytale

wanting on one side the simple and absolute best

on the other not being able to connect the dots between work ethic and success

trying to see how to make the most money in the least time with a degree feeling like its wasting mine

the feeling of the box closing in gets ever stronger, leaving bed feels so unsettling

can’t won’t don’t all words that keep bashing against my head

should call ofr help but that’s just a waste of resources, not a “true case” on which to stand.

you only do get help when you are at you’re worst and by fuck i’ve got a lot further to go to be at my worst. but i don’t want to be “there” at that cry for help side of things. when the wrists are slashed and the noose is hung. that my friend you’re too far gone at what stage is there “something to live for” i honestly don’t think I’ve got anything to live for. - its right its true i’ve got no attachment to any living thing, and anything i do get attached to i k ind of find a way to push away from them without any real side effect. other than my thoughts. my thoughts on what could have been

this has been written with my eyes closed as i just can’t help but see those words. the words of truth staring back at me in the face, telling me the thoughts I know to be true. maybe this is just what life was leading up to, maybe all the food and resources taken to teach me to write and read were so i could sit and jab away my innermost thoughts with my eyes closed so i wouldn’t have to face them open.

i have a theory as to why i keep wanting to buy and create things tat can read patterns and tension. take dan tests. etc i want to see why there’s so much anger boiling awayy underneith. have to find a way to solve the despair from everyone telling you not to quit college college is the answer college gives you a degree to stand on, a backbone to rely on I don’t know if that’s true i don’t know if that’s how i feel about it in all honesty. I don’t know what to feel anymore and i certainly as hell don’t think i want to do a degree where i don’t fee self fulfilled. i had a vision yeah its true i had a vision to help other s get out of the rat race they see themselves in and to be able to use renewable resources to get the vision up and running for their world countries. I have friends. friends whom I could be of help too but I feel so lost and unguided in my footsteps. retracing my circles and paths in the most unhealthy of ways.

I do not concur to this experience and so release myself from experiencing it.

I no longer wish to be social backwater to a delapadated system.

Do not wish to be force fed information down a pipe so i can sit infront of a computer screen pouring soul into some other mans dream

I rather perish than engage in that thought.

Mistakes are made.

but at the same time so are experiences

it is within these experiences that one learns and grows

and for the first time in a long time

as i close and unwind down

my heart feels okay

its not stressed

anxious

or nervous

its simply okay

i’m just tired.

tired of having to experience

tired of all the decisions

tired of having to carve out an existence

and i’m only god damn 22.

[alucidpoet]

“The Flight Home”

We started off again,

The mantra of the electronic voice pierced through the buzzing of conversation

As the attendants recited their pre takeoff prayer,

It was 9:30 in the evening. A few days taken to experience being cared for whilst in flu mode.

The gentleman next to me would prefer to be left alone as he surely has had more things persisting to himself like a good nights sleep.

 Huddles to the side window as to attempt to distance himself from everyone around him and escape into his thoughts.

 As perhaps I too am doing except in a more digital kind of way.

 Staring into the glossy glass screen with multiple type options. 

Gone are the days of parchment and quill of ball point pen even. 

We've begun to create in the most easiest medium to waste away.

 Paper is now too easily thrown away we be been indoctrinated and cohere-ed towards using digital means to save our information.

 Relying on "the cloud" to ease our sorrows of messages lost.

 And with a gust my thoughts are turned. 

As we lift off the ground manchester already falling away into the night.

4 days

4 lovely. Love filled. Loving days.

Those days flew past, like an autumn rush, simmered by Chinese food, dotted with terrible cookies and warm hugs. It was messy and wonderful and everything in between.

The sounds of silk and satin ripped waking, weaning eyes. What an adventurous plight.

Things don't always pan out as expected and sometimes the "not single" sign is more rewarding than anything.

Once again the tinny sound of a PA system long needing to be serviced comes on, a French voice glares on, maybe food will be on its way. I wait patiently knowing I've a fiver in my pocket, that should be handy.

[alucidpoet]

“Sunken Feeling”

Yes I was right,

This thing that I thought could be love took flight.

All that was left was an empty chest and the feeling of not quite a match returned in a flash.

We courted for weeks and suddenly it stopped, too busy to continue, to quick to flop.

I made a few calls and offered a hello, but unfortunately for me he had to go.

The winter was cold but not alone, I grew roots within someone and now call them home.

After hours of time in good and in bad, I couldn't ever possibly stay mad.

So my friends are my friends and my lovers lovers.

I must remember to not mix the two as that often encumbers.

I sit now in the area beside the study hall, awaiting my next class it seems like a long haul. 100 hours per module they say is required. 100 hours of study is to be desired. 40 - 60 hours a week for me, college will be the death of me.

I'm encouraged to continue with my degree, it's what's required in today's society.

In order to advance, to not be stuck. A piece of paper is what is always sought.

It proves that you've commitment to continue, that with hard work and virtue you're going to get through.

But some how I feel that these words are fallacy, that after college there's an empty reality in which all those with degree woes turn for a master to hopefully get a nose ahead of one another, whom were once claimed as brothers.

Degrees you see, are toxic to society.

But here I await, my next class at three.

[alucidpoet]

“Memory Thief”

Memory thief

The years, the sweetest incantations of those times gone past whisper out of your lips, a strong slow mantra of those visions missed.

Whom cascade irredescentally through the mental haze as those magical moments fight, ever stronger to fade to grey.

For it was you standing near, with a camcorder to record my joys and fears, you taped my memory not with technology, with eyes. And ears. Now as my memory fades slowly, you continue to provide me with that mana I have so habitually requires.

Ten o'clock after breakfast, you sit down. And start the story. One.more.time.

[alucidpoet]

“Roommates”

You're given an inch, you take a mile,

Hiding behind your asiatic smile.

From food to cleaning your thought process is unyielding.

It reminds us all that humans are conceiting.

If things are to remain the same, I fear we will be within constant blame.

Nobody finds cleaning hairs out of a shower to be within their daily lists of the hour.

It's gross, obscene and requires things clean.

Keep it

[alucidpoet]

“The Loss of Trust”

You're gone done dead to me

The pain betrayl and lie you cheat.

Claiming a truth seeker and honesty you keep

But all you have is blatant deceit.

I trusted you, warned you. Explained the dangers.

Expressed the bounds you so tastelessly leaped.

With rage and fits I firmly clenched my fists

As noticed and noted your advances per missed.

Quiet and coyly asking for sex. You pawed and pleaded like a -familiar wounded ex.

After knowning my caution and warning entrusted. You terminated a pact for your tantric moment.

A friend is not one like you. A friend, is not an opportunistic sexpot. I tried to judge character, blame it on your youth. But if I could do that. Then I'd be denying my own truth.

I know it's true. I'm told everyone deserves second chances. But when you're given such a clear disclaimer. Trice before. The end, just means war.

Now get the fuck out my door.

You. Fuckface, you're not welcome anymore.

[alucidpoet]

“Thoughts on a first encounter”

It started last night.

We talked though morning.

Sitting on a bed, with worlds and words flowing

We warned the ebb of our ideas weave communication no internet had seen.

And all this flew naturally as if but a dream.

Knowledge, and freedom were our claim,

All our fears changed/renamed.

The conglomerate ideologies do not sway me tonight.

I sit alone and ponder in delight

The past twenty-four hours in a lime light.

What is this feeling of inclusion and of mystery.

To be so involved yet so detached from the system.

To sometimes feel as though out looking within but in reality,

Where does it all begin,

"Where do I fit in?" -isn't that what we're all askin?

It's silly, it's been shy of 24 hours,

Twenty four hours and still.

I can feel your cool hands, caress.

Is this the start of something new. A place where I can feel fresh and hopeful?

Or will this simple reach out leave me dejected and woeful.

As I write and rewrite thoughts on a page, the progression, regression, digression. Of one spade does not hinder my feelings but merely transverse the truth.

             -I22

[alucidpoet]

“I Think I just ripped my heart out”

This little tidbit was from July 21st 2009 where I felt like I had lost my best friend, unfortunately as life has it, we are quite distant now a days but we still are good friends, I look forward to our catch up in the future. 

I have no words to describe the pain, in my head there's a dull throbbing of emotion, somewhere in the back of my mind i know something just ripped. i can feel the depths of hell creeping through my head. something's just unwound. The best I can do is crack a smile Just pretend everything will be allright in awhile who really knows what's going through my mind when in realitly im socially inclined. my soul feels incomplete, cracked. eye's broken there's nothing more to write nothing more to say. please god make the hurting go away. i'll miss you but maybe this is in the best interest. May our friendship rest. I'll miss you dearly.

[alucidpoet]

“Watch Me Go [3/4/11]”

My thoughts back in the 2011 leaving cert, realising that it was not as bad as I thought it would be and was merely a hurdle needed to overcome was surprisingly a life lesson. The lesson isn’t the study, its how you manage your stress levels.

And now as we gear down for the final stretch,

the road lies before us,

the seemingly endless quest

our future selves become us,

The time for sitting,the time for knitting

has all but come crashing

whats left is nothing, no second, no minute

the examiner comes catching.

We all march on and carry on

to the beatings of billboard songs

picking and choosing

which ones will keep us going strong

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - --  -

Ah but the time in the long forgotten past

of which now is your current present

you open your eyes and realise,

I was the Guise who inspired your eyes.

But for once the moment to reveal ones mirth flutters

and I am but the damned.

[alucidpoet]

“Just Going to Leave this Here”

A post from facebook in 2013 which marked a moment of stillness. 

Sometimes you stop traveling, running, scheming, plotting.

And you have time to take a breath and realize you've got a whole lot of work to do. But for now. You can relax. There's nothing more you can do at the moment. All you can do is just let things float.

And in this time of reflection, you allow yourself to feel emotions. Emotions you didn't have time for, Joy, lonesomeness, regret, amusement. - all those strange quirky mixes of feelings start to pull at you from the inside.

But, you have time to sort them out, put them in the right categories, and know whats going on inside you.

They help you move on, and Keep Going.

Thank you music - and friends for bearing with me as I realize that I too am not immune to emotion.

Who would have thought. heh.

In case anyone is curious, here's what I've been listening too to balance my mood.

Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko - Stay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS4InT7Ycdk

Coldplay - In my place

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LqzsV-HJnI

and I guess what keeps me goofy and up beat

Thrift Shop - Macklemore

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktCWU6R-CNk

They may be Generic by now, but Heh. It gets me by at the moment.

[alucidpoet]

Hello World

   Just another human on this earth dusting of, and breaking solitude and joining the mass of the interconnected world wide web. 

If you find something you like here. Cool, if not, That’s cool too.  I tend to write shenanigans and shindigs around here.  Go ahead, have a read. shoo, shoo, this post is done!