brighter days

Halie, 21 years old, "you are weak and hollow and it does not matter anymore"

[booksquoteslove]

“If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: in love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are.”

— Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale

[alwaysbeahappymess]

It's exhausting loving someone who never planned on loving you back. It's painful to listen to his voice like a broken record keep saying "I don't love you but I am trying, I don't love you but I am trying, I don't love you but I am trying" Over and over and over until he finally leaves the room because he doesn't want it to become a place filled with questions. I know he doesn't love me. He touches me and my body feels lonely. He doesn't hold me or look at me. He just surrounds me to remind me that, he doesn't love me but he's trying.

[alwaysbeahappymess]

"Do you dream of other people" he says I tell him no, "when I close my eyes I dream about children being born to parents who don't love each other" "I dream of other girls" he says, Should I be glad he feels so comfortable? "Do you think I love you" he says. I say "no" "Do you think I love you" he says. I say "no" He asks me why I make him feel so guilty and my heart feels like it's trapped. Why can't I listen this once and let it be the two of us. "I love you" he says "i dream of other girls, I dream they listen when I speak and don't put the weight of the world on my shoulders." I wonder why men always think they have it the hardest. "It's your body" he says "Do what you"

Dream a little dream

[alwaysbeahappymess]

I want to love myself but he makes it impossible with the way he loves me.  I tell him I like the way my body is shaped and how it rolls.  I tell him "it took a long time to get here, don't make me go back" because he doesn't understand how long I hated myself for.  When I look in the mirror I don't hate what I see. When I get up in the morning I don't hate what I see When I go through my day I don't think of ways to change myself.  "I don't want to be small" I tell him "I want to be larger than life, I want the whole room to know when  I walk in" I can't be pushed back down. I can't let my daughter grow up hating herself I can't let my son think that it's okay to talk to women so freely. I want to love myself. I want to love everything inside of me. but with the way you love me, it's impossible.

06/13/15

[alwaysbeahappymess]

First love looked like happiness and innocence all wrapped into one with a pretty bow on top. First love was the first time he held my hand in a movie theater with 65 other people. First love was making out in the back of his van but forgetting to turn the ignition off. First love was a clenched fist. First love was anger. First love was evil. First love sent me into a spiral of self hatred and abuse. First love was a lie.

First love

[alwaysbeahappymess]

Your fingers are twirling my hair into curls And I’m telling you about the time I thought I loved him but it turns out I was just infatuated with the idea of being loved. Yours hands are on my hips and I am whispering about the time I was left on the side of the road and the time at the movies and the time in the parking lot of the grocery store. Your forehead is pressed against mine as I tell you that I didn’t mind the pain that’s been inflicted on me for most of my life. I tell you that “a lot of the time the ones who cause the most hurt have the most pain.” You are what feels like a whole earth away from me now. You don’t understand the way forgiveness works but you’re glad I do. You don’t understand why I stayed. You don’t understand why I’m here. Open your palm and I will tell you your future. Everything you did helped you find me Everything I’ve seen, led me to you.

past, present, future

[alwaysbeahappymess]

I think that your kind. That you have a way about you. I know that you want to go but I'd really like you to stay, because the nights are cold and I don't know how much longer I can be alone. You make me want to be better. To love myself and love you, I could love you if you wanted Or I could hate you. I'll do anything as long as when I wake up your by my side.

Please stay

[alwaysbeahappymess]

I have no room for you now. There's no space in this heart. I have grown to realize that I am important, That I am a valid, That I am beautiful, And I am loved. All these things I would of never discovered if you didnt leave. So instead of an apology note, you can find a thank you letter and it will read, "I will not beg for your love, you will not find me running. Thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for not coming back but most of all thank you for leaving me with no one but myself."

Self love is the best love

[alwaysbeahappymess]

When I wasn't writing I was waiting. And from waiting I spent three hours in my room wondering if you were real or if I made you up because how can something so beautiful belong to me. When I wasn't writing my body was trying to find new ways to be entertained and in the process my hands wondered to places they don't belong and I found myself alone again. When I wasn't writing I was dreaming. Dreaming of a time when pain didn't bring me such pleasure and I could be held without thinking I'm in danger. When I wasn't writing I was waiting. Waiting for someone to pick me up and tell me something worth writing

[alwaysbeahappymess]

Since he left nothing has felt quite right. My entire life I have felt alone But it feels like there is a hole Where my heart use to be. and everyone I love keeps leaving me for better things. I’m tired of thinking That I am not enough.

-“summer hasn’t been so sweet”

[alwaysbeahappymess]

It’s not you, it’s me. It’s my bad brain. It’s telling my heart that I’m not ready for you yet, that I don’t deserve this yet. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m not someone to be loved. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s my constant state of emotion. My need to be taken seriously because I can’t handle being laughed at so, when you ask me what’s on my mind I will tell you that all I’ve been thinking about is why are we here in this moment together. It’s not you, it’s me. My hands have never had a home. So, when I touch you they become confused by the comfort and want to be alone with strangers again. It’s not you, it’s me And my strong need for affection and attention. It’s not you, it’s me The ghost that linger around us That have made homes in my body. It’s not you, it’s me.

To be alone with you

[alwaysbeahappymess]

It's night and you're not here but that's okay. I'm learning that's alright . It's night and I keep thinking about how every time I'm with you, I try to turn you into poetry instead of relishing in the fact that you are mine. It's night and I keep rethinking and repeating all the things I told you and wishing I could take it back cause I let it all out too soon. It's night and I think I'm someone who has to give it all up in order to feel the love someone is offering. It's night and I don't mind that feeling.

[alwaysbeahappymess]

You are a ghosts, a memory, a place I don't go back to unless I want misery and these days misery doesn't want my company. But you, You love the memory of her. Of everything you once were. It gets you out of bed and helps you sleep at night. You live for the thought that maybe she could love you like she did when you were seventeen but timing never works the way we want it too. That's okay. It's okay to never get over the first person you loved. It's okay that, that wound never healed. I'm still here.

[alwaysbeahappymess]

I’d like to talk to you And I know you said to call whenever it felt right but nothing really feels good right now. I keep confusing feelings and emotions and trying to push it all down so you don’t see that I am really starting to like the way you say my name And I can tell because I wrote you five poems in one hour and all of them were about your hands. Please pick up your phone because I haven’t heard your voice in days and I am afraid I have forgotten what it sounds like but if you can’t pick up, I will leave you a message but I’m afraid it wouldn’t sound the same. Please pick up the phone and say my name. Say it slow, like you mean it this time, it could be real

Voicemail

[alwaysbeahappymess]

It's January and you just called to say hello and that you miss the sound of my voice and I am trying very hard to not wince at the sound of your name but nothing is really working. It's to easy to love you. It's February now and it's been raining a lot and I don't think you miss the sound of my voice just the sound of what was and that's okay but I would like it if you would answer my calls because I feel very alone and I really fell face first back into this disaster we call us.

The year of saying goodbye

[alwaysbeahappymess]

Text 8PM: I just think that I could’ve been really good for you. I could’ve been a lot of things for you but I never got the chance. God, were so selfish. Text 9PM: I hope things go well, I hope you move away once school is over, I hope you play music in front of small crowds and I hope you think of me in the stillness of it all, the way I loved you, the way I could’ve love you and all the things in between. Text 11PM: I hope you come find me in a few years, I hope you wear those awful shorts, I hope I can still look at you and say “you are the most beautiful boy in this room, you are so loved and special and kind. I see you, I see you.”

Unread

[alwaysbeahappymess]

I think the last time I saw her She was dying her hair From red to black And the sea was in her ear And the candles were lit on her back. The last time I saw her I whispered prayers into my palms Hoping one would make her stay But some how prayer finds a way to push people farther and Farther away. Suddenly I had these trees That people keep mistaking for arrows And I say "if it is they always point back to her" It the only piece of her left That proves she loved me I think you would be proud I have only cried once And I know you still love me . I know.

Thoughts from December