"Automatic" - Chapter 1 - Songs & Headcanons
For anyone who is following the Leon x Ashley fanfiction I am writing - I started this Tumblr blog to be sort of a “journal” for my writing process and my thoughts. Part of what I wanted to do was post each song that I’ve used as inspiration to write each chapter. I’ve named each chapter after these songs. However, I haven’t done that, but I’m only 3 chapters in, so it’s not like I’ve missed a ton, LOL.
If you haven’t read my fanfiction, feel free to take a look. I am nowhere near done writing it yet, lol! “Automatic” (Part 1 of 4: Conflict of the Mind).
Let’s rewind to early 2024. I was currently fresh off my “high” of witnessing the artistic masterpiece that RE4 Remake was/is. It didn’t take long for me to start diving deeper into the other games and solidifying my love for Leon Kennedy’s character. What I did not intend to happen was for me to thoroughly enjoy his interactions with Ashley Graham. Thus began the spiraling of my thoughts into “what ifs.” I’ve never been part of a fandom, I’ve never written a fanfiction, and I haven’t ever actually kept up with a blog. But I decided to give this a try because 1) I wanted to find a new hobby, 2) I love writing/analyzing everything that comes with doing this, and 3) I get to let my mind run wild a bit.
Come July 2024, I was on the bottom bunk of my daughter’s bed. I sleep there once a week to keep her company. We talk until she falls asleep. This July night, she happened to fall asleep fairly quickly. I decided to open up Spotify and look for new music. I realized I hadn’t listened to anything of Birdy’s in recent years, so I went to her artist profile to be greeted by her album "Portraits." I listened to that album in its entirety THREE times that night before I finally fell asleep. I connected with all the songs on a personal level for…reasons. But my brain also connected it to a ton of headcanons I’d come up with by this point when it came to Leon x Ashley.
When deciding where to start off the fanfiction, I knew that it had to be years after RE4make, so I thought after the events of RE6 was a good place to start. Unexpectedly, RE9 was announced before I actually started writing anything, but seeing that the new game was about to come out, I started to write the first chapter. It was a very slow process…and I’m glad I did not get too far into it because then Leon was announced. I hit the brakes. I wanted to see what they would do with his character and how it was going to fit into the trajectory of my storytelling…because I have this whole story planned out for years and years in the RE universe. Mainly - I wanted to make sure they weren’t going to kill him off! I was so glad they didn’t. Instead, his story turned towards where I’d actually wanted to take him…to a place of healing and safety. I was SO happy to see that he’d found this and now its canon. With the other revelations within RE9, I decided to rewrite the first chapter and take out all the details of RE6, which ultimately changed quite a bit of what I had planned, but it’s okay! I’m actually excited for the pivoting I did.
The one crucial detail that I decided to keep from RE6 was that Leon faked his death. This was literally the catalyst I was using to bring Ashley back into his life…so I kept that and I haven’t fully explained all of that, but with more information forthcoming, I don’t think I’ll revisit what actually happened in my fanfic as to why he faked his death for a while. Which is fine, because I really wanted to focus on RE4make and the events right after it in this first part.
For that reason, “Raincatchers” was the first song I decided to use as inspiration to start the fanfiction. Birdy wrote this song for herself…for the child version of her that she felt was lost when she grew up too fast (because she was living in the spotlight). It’s a beautiful song. If you get to listen to the acoustic version of the song, you can really hear Birdy’s emotion in her voice. My brain and my heart connected to this song easily for this reason. It’s mourning the loss of your innocence and wondering if you’ll ever get it back.
Aside from personal connection to the song, I took the liberty of interpreting it from Ashley’s lens and her living with the events of RE4make right there all the time. Remembering everything, reliving the loss of what she was before she was kidnapped. Then feeling like the only one that could understand was the person who helped her through it, rescued her, and made it back home too - Leon. I haven’t gone deeper into this in the fanfic yet, but I would say that Leon’s ability to move from one thing to the next, seemingly like it didn’t bother him that much, may bother Ashley a bit. Where she may want to talk things out or ask questions, she may feel reluctant to do this with Leon to not bother him, but also to not seem weak…as he presumingly doesn’t “need” to do this because this is “his job” and he’s “used it.”
The following lines from the song are the standouts for me:
“Once the weight of the world was a feather, sweet innocence”
“There is a dusty room
Kept for a friend
Through the windows to the world, wide open
When will I see you again?”
“Everything that we left unspoken will never be said”
“And you forgot (Miss you always)
But I remembered (I remembered)”
“If I called out
Would you listen?”
“Far away
I’ll remember (I’ll remember)”
“You made me feel like
Nothing really matters, nothing really matters”
Leon has continued to keep Ashley at arms length after coming back and even years after the events. He probably feels this is the best way for her to move on and him being around would serve as a constant reminder of what happened. To Leon, Ashley’s life was not meant to ever come near bioterrorism, and he probably feels somewhat responsible since Krauser was involved (because it's Leon and he overburdens himself WAY too much). So, walking away and leaving her back in her world was the logical “next step” to take. He is also completely clueless that his girl wants him around.
Ashley, though, isn’t going to forget what happened. Her worldview has drastically changed. Even though she may be able to readjust after some time, whatever her plans were before her kidnapping are long buried alongside her innocence. She wants to….needs to talk about what happened. She wants to keep the connection with the friend she made during the worst part of her life because it helps her cope in the every present monotony that probably follows her again. Where before she was stuck in this life and she maybe didn’t mind it that much and she was still figuring out what she was going to do with her life; now she is being asked to operate within this capacity again…and she probably doesn’t want to. Now she understands that the world is much bigger than she ever imagined and that the problems she had yesterday were not really problems. Watching Leon, seeing his tenacity and his strength, most definitely left an impression on her.
Leon may have worked hard and tried his darndest to preserve as much of “Ashley” as he possibly could. But even though she may not be “changed” in a negative way from this experience, which is what Leon is worried about (alongside not dying or turning due to the plaga), her perspective has definitely changed.
This is where I really like the line: “You made me feel like nothing really matters” because watching Leon during the worst moments of her life, may have opened up the door for Ashley to see that whatever plans she had (or others had for her), whatever it was she was “supposed” to do, do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. But also thanks to Leon, she can use this in a positive light - if Leon can remain hopeful and continue forward when the scariest, shittiest shit is happening, losing all she thought beforehand is a small price to pay, because she has the whole world in front of her with no set path or clear plan. Just her and the next right thing - what Leon taught her through his actions.
And wanting a friend that understands this isn’t so bad to have. In fact, it might just make the healing process come a little quicker and help one feel a whole lot less lonely.
