my hands shake too hard, so you help me hang the new painting. the music from the phone in your back pocket is singing about hating winters in california.Â
iâm wine drunk. âno,â iâm saying, âyou donât get it. crows, like, have a sense of their own thought process.â a little bit of the paint chips off under my fingernail.
you ask me if i think crows can fall in love. i say they are only made from love. you ask me if i think crows love like how people love. i say: i donât know anything about love enough to answer that.
we stand back to see if itâs hanging even. it isnât but itâs heavy so we just stand there for a second, looking at the skewed frame. âdo you really think that?â you ask. look at me just out of the corner of your eye. like if you look too closely iâll cry. the way things have been lately, i donât know either.
âskewed isnât used enough,â i say. âskewed is a good word.â
âbecause i think a lot of people love you.â you reach out and shift the thing a little to the left. now itâs off-center in the other way.
i donât think thatâs true, i almost say. âyeah, i know.â
you take my hand. âa lot of people,â you say again. âlike. maybe it isnât what you were expecting. maybe they donât know how to do it loudly or they donât know how to do it where you can see or that you donât know how to look for it. but.â you turn me so i have to look into your eyes, so big and bright and caring - âa lot of people love you if you just⊠start noticing.â
i canât look at you like that too long. all beautiful and soft and vulnerable. i break away and straighten the painting. âi just want the romance!â i say, trying to make my tone joking, knowing i sound like iâm choking.
âyou donât need it.â you get the other side angled correctly. now it is perfect. we are so close i can feel the heat of your skin and see the reflection of the art in your iris. your hand holds my cheek; cool and soothing. âyou are a romantic already. romanticize existing. go on a date with joy. go on a picnic with surviving. you are so lovely, and loving you feels effortless and easy.â
i wish that were true. i try to make a joke. âoh, did a crow tell you that? how do you know?â
âi know,â you say. i canât help the feeling in the back of my throat, an ache so wide itâs no longer wanting, itâs dissolving. the color of your eyes takes up all of my mind until itâs just a swathe of you.Â
âyouâre so easily loved,â you repeat. you run your cold thumb over my cheek. âi know. i know. i know. you gotta just trust me.â