Perspective is Everything

Actions speak louder than words, but when you live your life with balance, your actions and words can be heard in surround sound.

[amandatuck]

Bullying and Mental Health

If you want to #stopbullying in our community, you must start talking about mental health in our community.

The video of #keatonjones explaining his experience with bullying captured the hearts of millions of social-media surfers, including celebrities and public figures. Support poured in. From well-wishes and shoutouts to football game tickets and monetary donations, uniting around a child being bullied seemed to come naturally to people from very diverse backgrounds. Comments like, “”I’ll be your buddy, Keaton,”, “Stay strong Keaton”, and “Keaton, you are so brave and amazing.”

But then...

A picture of Keaton’s family posing with confederate flags surfaced. Racist posts were found on Keaton’s mom’s Facebook. Most recently, it was reported that Keaton was being bullied after he used racial slurs towards classmates. And in light of all of that, the narrative TOWARD THE CHILD changed. The supportive and encouraging comments quickly took on a judgemental and downright hateful tone.

“That’s what white privilege will get you”, and “Serves him and his racist mom right.” These are the mildest of the comments that have become a part of this story. As this story spirals to depths I don’t even want to imagine, I challenge you to look at the root of this story.

This is a story about bullying and mental health. Did the mom scam people out of money on GoFundMe? Looks like it? Did Keaton go to school expressing racist sentiments being taught in his own home? Probably. Can we as black people do a better job of supporting our own and researching facts before putting our support (primarily monetary supports) behind various causes? Absolutely. Yet in light of all of these things, bullying and mental health is the focus of this post and deserves our time and attention.

Bullying is a mental health issue, and studies have linked the two for years now. NICHD research studies show that anyone involved with bullying—those who bully others, those who are bullied, and those who bully and are bullied,(referred to in this study as “bully-victims) —are at increased risk for depression. So whether Keaton participated in bullying behavior or not, he is still a child who is now at an increased risk of mental illness.

The risks are significant and long-lasting. Compared to those who went through childhood unscathed, victims had four times the prevalence of agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and panic disorder when they became adults. Overall, bullies had four times the risk of developing antisocial personality disorder. These disorders still stood even after other factors were taken into account, such as preexisting psychiatric problems or family hardships.

Bully-victims fared the worst. Also known as “loners,” these individuals start out with less developed social skills and are seen as more impulsive and aggressive. When picked on, they respond by picking on others. Their numbers, compared to those never involved in bullying, tell the story: 14 times the risk of panic disorder, 5 times the risk of depressive disorders, and 10 times the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior. Here is a link to the study.

As a POC in the field of education, I cannot ignore that our black and brown children are often more significantly impacted by bullying than the previous study portrays. According to data gathered by research scientists at the Center for Suicide Prevention and Research at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Ohio, 36.8% of 5-11 year olds who died by suicide were Black -- nearly double the rate reported in the same demographic group between 1993 and 2002. In 2017, 24.7% of African-American students, 17.2% of Hispanic students, and 9% of Asian students report being bullied at school as well. 74.1% of LGBTQ students were verbally bullied (e.g., called names, threatened) in the past year because of their sexual orientation and 55.2% because of their gender expression. Here is a link to these disturbing statistics.

Because bullying impacts our children, bullying impacts us all. When one of our children is lost to bullying and mental illness, our community as a whole suffers. So the question becomes, how do we #stopbullying? I have a few ideas…

Stop bullying behavior -

We as adults must stop doing the very things that are killing our children. Our children see bullying amongst adults on television, social media, and in their daily lives. When adults handle conflicts by talking/gossiping about one another instead of seeking out mature conflict resolution, we model this destructive habit for our children to emulate. Reality television shows make celebrities out of adults who handle conflicts in this way. Name-calling, gossiping, ostracizing one another and even throwing drinks/fighting are frequent images on television. While it is safe to assume that most adults watching these shows know that these actions are wrong and hurtful, that same assumption cannot be made with our children. If a child sees an adult laughing at bullying behavior, what would stop them from believing that this behavior is in some way acceptable?

Social media comment threads are home to some of the most hurtful, degrading comments I have ever seen/heard. The anonymity found behind a computer screen creates an environment where people are ridiculed and torn down for simply stating their opinion. And once someone verbally attacks someone else, it is like blood in a sea of piranhas. Negative comments and interactions get much more attention than they should. Memes that make light of groups of people or issues that people face circulate the internet at lightspeed. We all got a good laugh at Tyrese’s very public response to issues with his daughter, but what about the young boy who is being bullied at school for crying in public? What is to stop him from feeling laughed at every time we create a new meme or post about Tyrese? While some will argue that “it’s just jokes”, we must become more emotionally responsible. I am sure that we all can think of more than a few social media exchanges that we would not be proud to share with a child. Cyber bullying amongst children takes many cues from social media arguments between adults. Think about that the next time you exchange insults with a stranger or make fun of someone on a social media platform.

Even more damaging than the media, are the adults that children interact with everyday. We argue and fight (sometimes physically and violently) in front of our children. Gender norms such as: Boys don’t cry are impressed upon our children, robbing them of the space needed for healthy self-expression. We don’t check our biases before spewing hate towards people that may not look/think/act like us; all in front of children who are attempting to make sense of what makes them different. The mantra of “do as I say and not as I do” is not sufficient to stop our children from simply becoming a younger version of the adults in their lives. If they see us tearing one another down, why should they expect sympathy when they are the ones being attacked? We must become a kinder generation. In order to stop bullying amongst our children, bullying must stop amongst the adults that are raising these children. Our children are literally dying without kind, loving role models.

Own your shit; call a thing a thing

We were all children once, and unfortunately, many of us were victims of bullying. I remember quite vividly some of the hurtful comments and embarrassing moments I endured throughout grade school. There was a time where those comments created a self-destructive narrative that played on loop in my head. But I was led to believe that bullying was a normal part of growing up. It took time, well into adulthood, for me to identify the depression and anxiety that I had been living with as a child.Until I accepted that I live with mental illness, my actions hurt myself and those around me. Hurt people, hurt people. More specifically, hurt people who don’t process through their pain are destined to continue a cycle of hurtful behaviors towards themselves and others. Some of the behaviors seen in adults that have experienced bullying include low self-esteem and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. More examples of the long-lasting effects of bullying can be seen here. In my case, I damaged quite a few relationships with behaviors stemming from past hurts. Now, I could have explained my isolating, abusive, and/or insecure behavior as “just who I am”. I could say, “I am a sensitive person, so I have to act like this to defend myself”, but that didn’t help me own the hurt that was controlling me. I challenge you to stop telling people, “that’s just who I am.” and learn what is really fueling your behavior. Seek out the root of your anger, your jealousy, your insecurities. Find a therapeutic combination to help you process the pain and develop more effective coping skills. Become the champion against bullying that could ultimately save the lives of our children.

Normalize emotional conversations with our children

The idea of talking to our child about their feelings may be daunting; especially if we aren’t used to talking about our own. Learning to talk through and process our emotions not only helps us become better people, it allows our children to see a model of how to talk through their own problems. If you still have hesitations about talking to our children, here are some tips: Start by covering the basics. Simple facts about bully and mental illnesses can help to dispel some of the common myths surrounding them. For example: Mental illnesses are “real” illnesses, just like diabetes or epilepsy. It’s OK to talk about bullying; it doesn’t have to be a secret. And let your child know that it is not their fault.

While having these conversations, be sure to keep the child’s age and level of maturity in mind. How you talk about mental health issues and bullying will vary greatly for children of different ages and developmental levels. For example, a very mature 10-year-old may be able to understand better than an immature 13-year-old. For very young children, you’ll want to give clear and simple information. Give simple examples of bullying, (ex. - when someone calls you a mean name, they are bullying) to younger children, but be open to more complex or passive forms of bullying amongst teens. Many teens turn to their peers for information, so they might be misinformed. Teenagers are often overwhelmed with the idea of being helpless, and using the phrase, “Are you being bullied?” may trigger those feelings. Instead, you may want to ask questions that allow your teenager to describe bullying behavior on their own terms. If your child asks questions, make sure your answers are specific and honest. Watch their reactions, let them ask questions and slow down or repeat information if they appear confused. If the conversation upsets them, you can always stop and come back later after they’ve had time to process some of the information.

Most importantly, when talking to children about bullying and mental health issues, don’t be afraid to ask for help if the conversation becomes too difficult. If you’re unsure about how to talk about mental health issues with your children or notice they’re becoming overly distressed, seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you notice signs that your child is being bullied and are unsure of how to address it, child or family therapy can be very helpful in these circumstances. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to call for help in a crisis or emergency, just in case such a situation should arise.

We have a responsibility to our children. To protect and nurture them. And in order to do that, we must be willing to take an introspective look at ourselves. We are the examples for our children, and therefore we are responsible for the impact that bullying is having on their lives. If we are to stop bullying amongst our children, we must stop bullying one another.

[amandatuck]

When the squad puts it down in the gym just as good as they put it down in the kitchen... #sweatdc #coachgfitness #fitfam #hiit #cardio #strengthtraining #coreworkout (at SWEAT DC)

[amandatuck]

#blackexcellence #blackpower This is what the world needs now.

[amandatuck]

Seasonal Affective Disorder - How to take care of SADness

The weather is getting cooler and people are getting excited about fall fashion. The leaves are changing colors and pumpkin spice is EVERYWHERE, (gag). The days are getting shorter and approximately 10 million people are battling Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, as a result.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a subset of depression related to the changes in seasons. Now the irony of Seasonal Affective Disorder having an acronym that spells “SAD” is not lost on me, but it can be just as devastating as any other mental illness and should be handled with just as much care.

SAD is associated with a drop in serotonin, a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that affects mood. Reduced sunlight during the fall and winter months can cause this drop in serotonin. Another impact of reduced sunlight is a disruption in the body’s balance of melatonin. Melatonin plays a vital role in healthy sleep patterns and mood. All of these things add up to a disruption in your body’s circadian rhythm, or internal clock, leading to feelings of depression. Persons battling with SAD may notice that they experience symptoms around the same time every year. It is important to note that SAD often impacts people who have no known mental health issues. SAD is also known as “the winter blues” or seasonal depression. Anyone can experience SAD, but it's more common in women, people who live far from the equator, people between the ages of 15 and 55, and people who have a close relative with SAD. Symptoms of SAD include (but are not limited to): Mood: anxiety, apathy, general discontent, loneliness, loss of interest, mood swings, or sadness; Sleep: excess sleepiness, insomnia, or sleep deprivation; Whole body: appetite changes or fatigue; Behavioral: irritability or social isolation

As someone who battles with bipolar depression, I am a bit more prone to seasonal affective disorder than most. Looking as far back as high school, I have noticed patterns in my behavior that can be explained through SAD. I was never a straight “A” student, but my grades often fell below average in the fall and winter quarters of school. Even into college, I remember skipping classes more frequently when it was dark and cold outside. And now into adulthood, getting out of bed in the morning is much more difficult for me this time of year. Lethargy and loss of focus are common symptoms of SAD, but at the time, I had no idea why I felt the way that I did. With the support of my therapist, family and friends, I begin to learn how

Black people, we are magic; this much is true. I would like to submit my humble theory as to the source of our magic. The sun. We are drawn to the sun and we absorb its energy like a bee to the nectar of a flower. We need the sun, and not just for an amazing tan. Sunlight gives us the fuel we need to run businesses, raise children, fight for our civil rights and battle depression apparently.

So, how do we protect our magic? How do we ensure that the “winter blues” don’t defeat us?

There is no one right answer to these questions. Treatment is as unique as the individual who needs it. And as I prepare myself for dark mornings, cold days, and long nights, allow me to share the single most important thing that has helped me push through this time of year. It is a revolutionary concept, that I work at every single day. It is not easy, be warned; but it is worth it. Ready for this life-changing piece of advice? Here goes:   

Take care of yourself.

What does that even mean? As a people, we are notorious for downplaying the importance of self-care. Forgoing sleep to complete tasks is seen as being hard-working and having a calendar packed full of social engagements is quickly becoming an expected societal norm. I challenge you to push back on this social construct. Here are some key steps in the ongoing practice of self-care:

Get enough sleep - Getting enough rest is not a sign of weakness nor does it mean that you are lazy. Sleep is critical to your ability to all of the other amazing things you do everyday. Studies have shown that sleep deprivation can lead to unhealthy weight gain, a compromised immune system, and impaired decision making-skills. Try a routine of relaxing activities as it gets closer to bedtime. This may make it easier for you to fall asleep at night.

Fuel both your mind and body - In the midst of the never-ending to-do lists that dictate our days, we must find time to do things that put back some of the energy that we expend throughout the day. Being an adult it hard! Here are a few ways to refuel and recharge:

Exercise regularly. Exercise and other types of physical activity help relieve stress and anxiety, both of which can increase SAD symptoms. Being more fit can make you feel better about yourself, too, which can lift your mood

Socialize (within reason). When you're feeling down, it can be hard to be social. Make an effort to connect with people you enjoy being around. They can offer support, a shoulder to cry on or a joke to give you a little boost.

Take a trip. A change in scenery is often a great way to find relief from our day-to-day stressors. If possible, take winter vacations in sunny, warm locations if you have winter SAD or to cooler locations if you have summer SAD.

Stick to your treatment plan. Use what works for you whether it be medications, therapy sessions or a combination of both. Take your medications as directed and attend therapy appointments as scheduled.

Try alternative medicine. Therapy comes in many forms. Acupuncture, yoga, meditation, guided imagery, and massage therapy are all excellent ways to tune in and take care of self.

Make your environment sunnier and brighter. Open blinds, trim tree branches that block sunlight or add skylights to your home. Sit closer to bright windows while at home or in the office.

Get outside. Take a long walk, eat lunch at a nearby park, or simply sit on a bench and soak up the sun. Even on cold or cloudy days, outdoor light can help — especially if you spend some time outside within two hours of getting up in the morning.

Finally, listen to yourself. You know when you are pushing yourself too hard. Your body will give you signs when you are reaching your breaking point. Be truthful about your needs and advocate for them fiercely. Let’s redefine what strength looks like in our community. Strength is NOT suffering in silence. Strength is NOT taking on tasks at the expense of your own health and well-being. Strength is saying when you have had enough and taking the time to rejuvenate. Self-care is a revolution and it takes a strong person to do it. You are that person. You are strong enough. You are enough. I see you and I love you.

[amandatuck]

This lady. Her spirit is amazing. Her love is priceless. So many people rise up and call her blessed, for she is truly a virtuous woman. I am blessed enough to call her mom.

[amandatuck]

This has been me forever... socially awkward but hilarious amongst a group of friends. Book nerd who knows the words to most gangsta rap. Not made for anybody’s box. Cheers to the weirdos. Be you. With no hesitation or apologies. The world will be better off for it. #nationalcomingoutday (at ARTECHOUSE)

[amandatuck]

So pleased with the line work on this one! @rogeranthonyart did his thing and I can’t wait to add the color in about a month. (at Northeast Washington, Washington, District of Columbia)

[amandatuck]

Tackling the Taboo - Let's Make Therapy the New Normal

My first experience with talk therapy was really good...and really bad. I literally picked a name out of a list given to me by my insurance, and hoped for the best. I walked into the office and was greeted by a warm, kind-hearted woman who looked like she could be my aunt. Initially I was hesitant to talk, (you can imagine how successful the first few sessions went), but the therapist was very accommodating, giving me the time I needed to open up. However, as I started to feel good about my decision to go to therapy, the response I got from my community made me rethink my choice. Both in direct conversations and overhearing people comment on the subject, I heard opinions on therapy (and the people who went to therapy) that were anything but positive or encouraging.

“Why would anyone go talk to a perfect stranger about their issues? THAT’s what’s crazy.”

“You just need to stop being so sensitive/dramatic.”

“You must not be praying hard enough/living right.”

There were more comments, but I think you get the idea. I’m not sure what motivated me to keep going, but I am so glad that I did. In the sessions that followed, I learned a few things and debunked a few personal myths that I would like to share:

Faith without works is in fact dead; and it has led to a number of deaths in the African-American community.

Mental illness is just like any other illness. It can be passed down just like eye and hair color.

EVERYONE has some form of therapy that they use to survive.

Never shame someone, (or allow yourself to be shamed) for taking care of your mental health.

As an African-American dealing with mental illness, I grew up with adages like, “black folks don't go to therapy, we go to church.”,”Let go and let God”, and “Pray about it”. This longstanding mindset can be traced back to slavery. Back then our ancestors learned very quickly that showing weakness, such as mental illness, meant you might not survive. This knowledge birthed the tendency to "do whatever you have to do to survive and do it with a brave face; Never let them see you sweat." This way of thinking was designed to ensure the survival of our ancestors, but is now contributing to the demise of our generation. Now it leaves people with one strategy to attack a very complex problem. Now it isolates people like myself from the family and friends who vow to support us. It is no longer enough to “tough it out.” It is not fair to tell someone to pray about it, but fail to encourage the actions that could save their lives.

To be clear, I am not against prayer. What I am against, is the narrative that prayer is the ONLY thing that we can do to combat mental illness. If someone had cancer, it would sound absurd to tell that person to pray about it while forgoing chemotherapy. Why then, is it acceptable to tell someone living with a chemical imbalance in their brain to pray without seeking medical attention? Positive thinking/self-talk is a powerful combatant against mental illness and faith makes that possible for a number of people. However, faith is not the only tool that can be used to win the battle against mental illness.

Mental illness is just that, an illness. Mental illness is not a punishment for the person having done something wrong. Mental illness is not something contagious that can be contracted by hanging around the wrong type of people. The same way your maternal grandmother having diabetes can increase the likelihood of you developing the disease later on in life, mental illnesses follow the same rules of heredity. Research of Holocaust survivors and their offspring showed that there is potential for trauma to be internalized and imprinted onto DNA. Once it is imprinted, it is then possible to pass it on to future generations. This phenomenon is called epigenetic inheritance.

Mental illness does not discriminate. Mental illness doesn’t care about your bank account, how many followers you have on IG,?or what you do for a living. We are the ones discriminating against one another, and it must stop. We must take a look inside and dissect our own biases against mental illness and the picture that society has painted for us. “The mentally ill frighten and embarrass us. And so we marginalize the people who most need our acceptance. What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation.” - Glenn Close. Face your fear of mental illness and break the cycle of marginalizing and isolating your loved ones. Once you do that, you become an ally for people like me. You don’t need to go to school for this stuff. Humans are naturally empathetic. Face your fears so that you can tap into your empathy. People like myself would love to have your support.

As I continued to talk with my therapist, those disparaging comments about therapy led me to think that I was alone in my fight. The idea that I had to take a pill every morning to slow my racing thoughts and keep weekly appointments to talk about my feelings, made me feel like an outcast. At the time, I didn’t know anyone else who needed this type of therapy and medication to manage their emotions. In talking with my therapist, she opened my eyes to a bit of information that I think everyone, with or without a mental illness, needs to hear.

We ALL go to therapy, and we ALL take medicine.

For the person who hits the gym every day without fail, exercise is your therapy. Writing is another form of therapy. So is listening to music, painting your toenails, or spending a day at the spa. All of the things that I just mentioned carry no taboo. You won’t get any dirty looks for any of those things. So, why is talk therapy any different?

Since “Insecure” is probably one of the greatest shows ever written, there is a scene which illustrates this point quite nicely. Remember when Issa suggested that Molly go “talk to someone”? Molly’s knee jerk response was visceral and defensive. It was also a pretty accurate representation of how we as a people view talk therapy. There is some unspoken shame in needing to talk to someone about how you feel. Especially with Molly’s character being the quintessential “independent woman”, talk therapy was NOT an option. However, Molly ended up trying it, and we are able to see how her sessions prompted some very needed, albeit uncomfortable self-reflection. Here’s hoping that her visits to the therapist remains a part of Molly’s story in the next season.

When you have a headache, you take Tylenol. If you get an infection, you are prescribed antibiotics to clear it up, and if you have a chronic condition like high blood pressure or diabetes, you take medicine to manage it. Why then, are drugs like Prozac, Xanax, and Lexapro so stigmatized? The time has come for us to educate ourselves about mental health therapy. Don’t let the stigmas of mental illness keep you from being able to empathize with those who are suffering.

There is no shame in taking care of yourself. The shame is to be found in those who are more concerned with outward appearances than mental well-being. It’s a shame that we as black people isolate and ridicule people with mental health issues only to turn around and cry at the news of them taking their own lives. We have the power to end this stigma. We must take the action of self-care more seriously. What would happen if we talked with people about their struggles as much as we talked about them behind their backs? What if we were as religious about servicing our mental health needs as we are about sitting in a church service?

Those questions are not rhetorical. I welcome all thoughts and comments. Let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about mental health. Let’s talk about talk therapy. And let’s keep talking about these things until it is no longer taboo to talk about them.

Therapy is not weird and you are not crazy.

You are not crazy.

You are not crazy.

You. Are. NOT. Crazy.

Your mental health is important and you matter. To everyone fighting mental illness, I see you and I love you.

[amandatuck]

When the homie @rogeranthonyart creates art from one of your life’s philosophies... #Repost @rogeranthonyart ・・・ Pregame sketch for a half sleeve. "There are only two lasting things we can hope to give our children: One is roots; The other is wings." @iamtuck7 thanks for letting me create.

[amandatuck]

Mask Off - Debunking the Myths of What Mental Illness Looks Like

Depression. Anxiety. Schizophrenia. Bipolar Disorder. What images come to mind when reading these words? Dark images? Pictures that reflect pain and suffering? You probably picture people who are totally disconnected from reality. Maybe you imagine people talking to themselves, walking around ungroomed and aloof. If I have just described what you picture when you think of mental illness, you are correct. But if that is the ONLY type of image you picture, I’d like to show you another picture of mental illness. One you may not be as familiar with. Take a look at this picture, taken in 2012, at my grad school commencement ceremony. What do you see?

Do I look depressed here? No? Are you sure? Let’s look a little closer. You see a smile. What you are actually looking at is a mask covering the despair and pain. You see shades and a cool outfit. The truth is that the shades give rest to tired eyes that had cried for weeks and hadn’t slept in almost as long. You see someone who is in pretty good physical shape. My size in this picture is the smallest I had been in years (almost 15 pounds below my ideal weight) and a direct result of going days at a time without eating.

Looks can be deceiving, and for someone with a mental illness, that can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because the demands of daily “adulting” does not leave much time to be depressed. The ability to “put on a brave face” is one of the single most effective coping mechanisms in managing mental illness. However, speaking from personal experience, the brave face defense can often do more harm than good in the long run. Suppressing all of the pain that is associated with a mental illness is a dangerous habit to fall into. Without some form of outlet, mental illness can consume you.

It almost consumed me.

My mental break came in the form of a trip to the ER, follow up visits with my primary care doctor, a cocktail of psychotropic meds that took almost three years to balance to my unique needs, a much needed schedule of weekly visits to a licensed therapist and tons of concerned family and friends.

How did I go from graduating with honors from a prestigious university and accepting an amazing new job opportunity to laying in the fetal position in GW’s emergency room in the span of a few weeks? I’ll tell you how:

I don’t look like my mental illness.

Society’s long-held myths about mental illness insulated me from the taboo associated with being labeled as having a mental illness. And it almost killed me. Since I didn’t look like I needed help, help wasn’t offered to me. I almost drowned behind the mask I had created. While my mask allowed me to get through the day, it completely isolated me from the help that eventually saved my life. I don’t even want to imagine where I would be if I had not made the decision to go to the emergency room that night. So, on behalf of other people like myself, who hide their pain behind well-crafted masks, and in honor of those beautiful souls who we lost because we didn’t see through their masks, I would like to debunk three myths that I hear quite often.

Myth: People who battle with mental illnesses are violent and unpredictable. Fact: The vast majority of people battling mental illness are no more likely to be violent than anyone else. Most people living with a mental illness are not violent and only 3%-5% of violent acts can be attributed to individuals living with a serious mental illness. To the contrary, people with severe mental illnesses are over 10 times more likely to be victims of violent crime than the general population.

I have never been in a fight. My temperament just doesn’t lend itself to “going off” on someone. That doesn’t change the fact that I struggle with depression. I am your friend. Your sister, daughter, lover, etc. You probably know someone with a mental health problem and don't even realize it, because many people with mental health problems are highly active and productive members of our communities. With this myth clouding your vision, you may have looked right past a loved one who desperately needs your help.

Myth: People battling mental illnesses cannot tolerate the stress of holding down a job. Or balancing a budget. Or leading a household. (See also, “adulting”) Fact: People with mental health problems are just as productive as other employees. They are just as good at navigating the responsibilities of adulthood as someone without mental illness. Employers who hire people with mental health problems report good attendance and punctuality as well as motivation, good work, and job tenure on par with or greater than other employees. Studies often show that when we lose someone to suicide, or when their is an attempt to commit suicide; even the people closest to that person “had no idea” their loved one was struggling.  In the weeks leading up to my mental break, I was adulting pretty well on paper. My bills were paid, I went to work on time, and my grooming/appearance never gave anyone reason to question my mental stability. It’s not that the people around me didn’t want to help; they didn’t know that I needed help in the first place.

Myth: Mental illnesses are a direct result of a personality weakness or character flaw. If someone really wants to “snap out of” a mental illness, they just need to try hard enough.

Fact: Mental illness has nothing to do with being lazy or weak and the insinuation hurts me to my core. Mental illness is similar to any other physical illness in that the person suffering has done nothing wrong and if they could remedy themselves of the ailment, they would. Just as physical illness can be caused by a variety of factors, the same is true for mental illnesses. Some of the factors that contribute to mental health problems, include: Biological factors, such as genes, physical illness, injury, or brain chemistry Life experiences, such as trauma or a history of abuse Family history of mental health problems

These factors do not discriminate and anyone can be susceptible to the impact of mental illness. My fellow mental health warriors and I are strong, and we can get better, but we need help to do so. There is nothing weak about asking for help and taking a day for self-care does not make you lazy.

To everyone hiding behind a mask, I see you. And not in a way that exposes your vulnerability against your will, but in a way that lets you know that you are loved. That there are safe spaces where you can take your mask off and not by judged, or pitied or ridiculed. Please know that you are loved just as you are. Nothing that you have hiding behind that mask is too much for the right people to accept and love. Know also that when you are ready, those same people will be there to help you sort through all of the pain you’ve endured. Then you will have a village around you to ensure that you never endure the pain of mental illness by yourself again.

To anyone who loves someone behind a mask; I salute you. Equipped with nothing more than your love for that person, please know that you are valued. You will never know how powerful your presence is. Thank you for taking the time and energy to look beyond the masks of people like myself and to love use for our true selves. Together, you and your loved one can conquer anything.

[amandatuck]

Because everything about this is exactly what this world needs more of... #letthembelittle #blackboyjoy

[amandatuck]

Very fine people rarely make history...cheers to the sons of bitches who refuses to stand for fuckery of any kind #blackexcellence #blacklivesmatter #dumptrump

[amandatuck]

With a love as bright as ours, the only option is to shine... #raymanda2018 (at Renaissance Washington, DC Downtown Hotel)

[amandatuck]

Apology Accepted - The Importance of vulnerable communication when dealing with mental illness within a relationship

On behalf of everyone battling mental illness, Issa Rae, I accept your apology.

Apologies are life-altering. The good ones, the bad ones, and especially the ones you never receive. (But that’s a word for another post)

In the season 2 finale of Insecure, Issa and Lawrence exchange two very good apologies that give Hella Perspective into the importance of communication when battling mental illness in relationships. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, I need you to stop playing and get into the #blackexcellence that is Insecure. After the two seasons leading up to this episode, Issa and Lawrence find themselves still sorting through the wreckage of what was their long term relationship. As far as blame goes, #TeamLawrence will argue that Issa cheated, while #TeamIssa defends her with the fact that Lawrence was unemployed and depressed for the bulk of the time leading up to her infidelity. Regardless of what bandwagon you support, the season finale leaves both squads with a lot to process. This particular scene was huge for obvious reasons, (see Issa’s tear jerker daydream of what could’ve been) but for someone like myself, who battles mental illness, the apology exchange sequence is what stuck with me the most.

My name is Amanda and I battle with bipolar depression and anxiety. (There, I said it.) Having dealt with these issues my entire adult life, I have more than a few instances that demonstrate the negative impact that mental illness can have on relationships. For anyone who deals with mental illness or loves someone who does, I am sure that you too can tell stories of broken lines of communication, and the distance, insecurities, mistrust, etc. that can come as a result.

Through A LOT of tears, journaling, therapy sessions, etc. I can say that I have grown in my ability to communicate through my lowest moments. I am also blessed with an incredible woman committed to loving me into my best self. With this support system in place, I now understand how important communication is and how a heartfelt apology can go a long way in mending a relationship damaged by mental illness.

Let’s break this scene down...

Lawrence’s apology gives people like myself a good framework on how to open the lines of communication with their partners. He does two key things that can open/mend the lines of communication in almost any relationship. First, he identifies how his mental illness has impacted the relationship. - Lawrence: “Look, I’m sorry. I set these expectations for myself, and I just, shut down, if they don’t go how I...I just uh...I'm sorry.”

In that statement, Lawrence gave Issa a look into how his mind worked. This is priceless information for people trying to help their loved one battle mental illness. Of all the things that someone should be expected to do for their loved one, reading minds is not one of them.

It’s not Issa’s fault that Lawrence sets expectations for himself. It’s not her fault when they don’t go as planned. But she bears the brunt of him shutting down; a direct result of his expectations not going his way. Imagine if Issa knew about the internal expectations and pressure that Lawrence put on himself. She could have spoken to them; reassured him that his self worth wasn’t tied to his plans. She would have been able to avoid taking it personally when he refused to talk to her and shut her out. If these apologies had happened sooner in the series, Issa’s daydream of forever could have been a reality.

The second part of Lawrence’s apology that we can all learn from is where he acknowledged how his actions hurt his partner. - Lawrence: “For not being who you expected me to be. For who i expected me to be.” In this statement, Lawrence acknowledges that who he was in a depressed state is not who Issa was used to. It may have very well been her first time ever seeing him that way. And without communication from Lawrence to help her see what was going on, Issa had no way of knowing why her loving, caring boyfriend was all of sudden so distant and cold. How then could she have been expected to be there for Lawrence when he needed her the most?

To all of my fellow mental health warriors, I urge you to speak up. Give words to what’s going on inside at all times. Make a habit of expressing how you feel and what you think. In good times and bad, learn to find your voice. Once you find that voice, use it to ask for help. Let your loved ones, love you. Tell them what you are feeling and thinking. Tell them what you need. The people who are meant to be in your corner will be grateful you opened up to them and those who aren’t will show you how to let them go and make space for the ones who are in it for the long haul. There is no instant fix when a relationship is damaged, but communication is the best way to start and stay on the path to a better relationship.

Now, I want to turn my attention to those amazing souls who love someone with a mental illness. You are attempting to love someone battling something that may be as foreign to you as a language you’ve never heard. As complicated as that can be, Issa’s apology epitomizes what I believe is the single most important way to connect with your loved one. Ready for the secret to loving someone with a mental illness? Here goes:

Be honest.

Sounds way too simple to be effective, right? Let’s look at the end of Lawrence and Issa’s apology exchange. - Issa: ...And, when you were going through what you were going through...i just didn’t know how to handle it. Simply admitting that she didn’t know what to do for Lawrence when he needed her the most shows that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It validates Lawrence by telling him that she saw what he was going through. It also sends the message that she wanted to help (because she loves him)

So much meaning in such a small statement.

And if that’s not enough, the healing communication continues...

Lawrence: I mean, what could you have done, tho?

Issa: More. That’s when you needed me to be better for the both of us, and i didn’t even know how to do that for myself.

Lawrence: That makes two of us

At this point, both Issa and Lawrence have put their guards completely down. Their apologies addressed so much angst that had been building since season one. You could hear the sigh of relief as Issa heard Lawrence speak like the man that she fell in love with. Lawrence’s face softened while listening to Issa speak to him with love instead of annoyance. Healing is hard, but that exchange gives a blueprint for how to keep the process moving along.

The silence, hug, and even more silence as Lawrence left the apartment was bursting with all of the communication (and subsequent happily ever after) that could have been. For ever honest and kind word that was shared between Issa and Lawrence, there was so more yet to be addressed. My fingers are crossed that the two characters get back together, (in your face, #TeamDaniel), but that remains to be seen. As we watch to see what happens in the next season of Insecure, let the lessons learned in Season 2’s finale not be soon forgotten.

Be honest

Be vulnerable

Be kind.

I challenge you, whether you battle mental illness or you love someone who does to not allow your happily ever after to be derailed by lack of communication.

[amandatuck]

#nationalbookfestival #nerdsunite What would you most miss if you were illiterate? #eradicateilliteracy #education #knowledgeispower #andiwantit (at Walter E. Washington Convention Center)

[amandatuck]

That time Frenchie sang my entire soul into the throne room... #thesamedifference #thesamedifferencedocumentary #thesamedifferencedoc Thank you @nikes_nae for a long overdue prompt to address issues in our community. (at GALA Hispanic Theatre)

[amandatuck]

#bornandmade #Godbody #Godisme #Godinme #selfloveisthebestlove #knowthyself #lovethyself