1. When you’re looking at therapists, make a list of things that are important to you. You probably won’t find someone who fits all of your expectations but the most items you can check off your list, the better.
Some of mine where : being bilingual, being an immigrant, having practiced for at least 5 years, specializing in trauma /PTSD. Some of the items on your list might seem weird to others but you need to feel as comfortable as possible with this person, don’t judge yourself for what you need to feel safe.
For me someone who knew the experience of being an immigrant and who I could speak franglish with was important. I also know I’m extremely uncomfortable with french quebecers so I looked for someone who speaks french as a second language, might sound unimportant but it was actually on the top of my list because I knew I just wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable otherwise.
2. Once you’re actually in therapy, the absolute most important thing is HONESTY. I can’t repeat this enough, for therapy to have any chance of working you need to be completely honest. It might be scary at first, especially if you’ve had bad experiences in the past, but it really is essential.
If your therapist says something you don’t like or that made you uncomfortable, tell them. If you feel like you can’t trust them to be completely honest yet, tell them that. If you feel like you’re tired of therapy and don’t see the point, tell them!! A good therapist will be grateful for you trusting them enough to be truthful about what you’re thinking.
If your therapist gets defensive and mad when you’re being honest, dump them.
As an example, a couple weeks ago I had a therapy session that I really didn’t want to do, I felt angry and stressed out and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to a rich lady comfy in her cozy house that couldn’t possibly understand what I was feeling and going through.
I decided to be honest and tell her exactly that, and instead of loosing 1h by just talking about whatever and pretending I was fine, we were able to have a constructive discussion.
I told her that I felt like I was coming into the session in bad faith and that I felt like whatever she would say I wouldn’t be able to help but think “blablabla shut up rich lady I don’t care what you think!!!” and that I wasn’t proud of that but it was the reality and she thanked be for trusting her and telling her and it actually ended up being a good session.
Being honest doesn’t mean telling your therapist things you’re not ready to share, but tell them that there’s things you’re not ready to share and why, instead of pretending that those things don’t exist.
3. My final advice is, you don’t have to stay with the same therapist forever. When I started therapy I used to think that once I’d find the right person, I'd just stay with them forever. I didn’t actually had that option anyway because I aged out of programs but I also learned that you need different therapists for different moments of your life. You won’t always need the same type of therapy. If you stay years with someone, you most likely will hit a plateau where there’s just nothing more you can get from them.
I loved my last therapist, she fitted literally all of wants in a therapist (and it was a really long list lol) and I was really upset when I aged out of the youth program and couldn’t see her anymore. But the truth is, we’d already hit our plateau, she kept seeing me for a while after I aged out and even tho she was the perfect therapist on paper and she helped so so much for a few years, we’d come to the end of our journey together.
She was the one to tell me that she didn’t believe that people should see the same therapist for years and years and years and that sometimes it was good to take a break from therapy and then come back. I wasn’t convinced at the time, but I am now.
My new therapist is completely different than anyone I’ve seen before, she talks very little and sometimes comes off as really cold. I would have aaaabsolutely hated sessions with her when I was just starting out therapy, it would have been horrible and it wouldn’t have helped me at all but now that I’m at a different stage of my life and my recovery, even tho I sometimes feel uncomfortable, its an uncomfortable that helps me grow and I’ve seen big improvements in myself since I started seeing her.
If your therapy isn’t helping anymore, talk about it with your therapist, give it a little time to see if things change but you might also realize it’s time to take a break and find someone else and that’s totally fine!
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