⏦ﾟ♡︎

𑣲┆ ˚.⋆ֹmy diary

[amazingcarrot36]

Something I’ve realized I hate a lot about being trans is that I can never be fully naked during intimacy, there’s always something between me and him. And I hate it. I can’t wait to have top surgery

[amazingcarrot36]

When I turn eighteen this July, the childhood that was stolen from me will flash before my eyes. I still wish I could go back.

[amazingcarrot36]

My attempts to get better always seem to fail so utterly pathetic

[amazingcarrot36]

I just want to do something really, really nice for the world, and then leave it all behind for good.

[amazingcarrot36]

While I will never understand the value anyone sees in me, I refuse to take it away from people despite the pain I go through every day

[amazingcarrot36]

What is stopping you?

[amazingcarrot36]

All I do is sit around and fucking cry

[amazingcarrot36]

I just want to be good enough for myself but I’m so fucking stupid and not good at anything at all

[amazingcarrot36]

Hard to put my finger on the last time I felt this horrible

[amazingcarrot36]

Is he even like attracted to me ???? I’m actually lost like I don’t know

[amazingcarrot36]

I don’t know what I did to deserve this. People tend to think I’m unaware of how my mental illness affects the way I am, but I’m actually violently aware of it. I am extremely knowledgeable on what a normal life looks like, and every single day I ask myself the question; why? Why was I dealt bad cards? How could it possibly be fair for me to be so unhappy, when other people never have to experience this? The answer is, and I know this deep down as much as I don’t want to accept it, it has never been fair. But the following question is the daunting one. What makes an unfair life worth living?

[amazingcarrot36]

I just want to go home and cut myself

[amazingcarrot36]

I was crying because of everything else but now I’m just crying because I love him so so much more than I’ve loved anybody else in a way I never have loved he’s just so perfect and kind and gentle and adorable and the funniest person I know and I hope I know him for a long long time

[amazingcarrot36]

What about me is so undeserving of happiness and affection?

[amazingcarrot36]

Why

[amazingcarrot36]

How am I not supposed to be afraid of him wanting her when she’s so much prettier than me?

[amazingcarrot36]

I need better friends