so im a bit hyped rn and just need to let some stuff out man there is too much on my mind sometimes my home my family my friends work my hobbies And then him but he is what i really can't talk about i mean I can talk about him it's not physically impossible it's just painstakingly difficult to admit how i really feel nothing seems to be in my control and i can't stop thinking about how we fit how when he touches me im not aware that someone else's hands are on me - but that it's him and it feels ... right ? im not sure how to explain it cause it's never happened to me before but it's like it's a part of me? it doesn't make my skin crawl like others do. it doesn't make me self conscious to have his hands on me. it feels like they're suppose to be there and i didn't even know it. then i think - am i making myself believe that? am I convincing myself that this is okay just so i can get what i want? is this real or is it another path to heartache? a bit of backstory on him: it might be about a year now since we met. a month later, the day after his birthday (which he shares with both my dad and my great-grandmother), we finally have sex. now at this point i had convinced myself i was no longer going to have sex with guys i barely knew or barely liked or didn't even like me. i hoped to find someone i could trust, get along with, find attractive, and maybe even see a future with. then he appears. our first conversation was unique and our second sealed the idea in my head that this guy could be in the running. (the topics on these particular conversations consisted of cunts and mushrooms respectively.) so i set it in motion. this seemed to be going my way. we have sex. it wasn't the best but honestly, it was my favorite time. the first time i wasn't drunk or high or both. the first time i had felt truly desired because of me. he wore a superman shirt. i got my lipstick all over him. he cooked me dinner afterwards. i took him home. we kissed goodnight. i lingered from it. he retreated away. it scared me but i pushed it from my mind and hoped for the best. i don't see him all weekend (we worked together). he barely texts me back. he stops responding all together. when i see him again - he tells me he was busy and i should be more understanding. so i try. I try so fucking hard. two weeks go by and my patience as worn thin. ive seen him talking to someone else. they're constantly together. i think the worst and hope for the best. finally, her and i work together without him there. i try to smoothly confront her. Me: so, are you seeing anyone lately? Her: yeahhh 😊😊😊i am actually Me: oh yeah?? anyone i might know? Her: yeahh he works here but we said we should keep it on the down low Me: oh come on! that's no fun! who? Her: well *all giddy and beside herself with puppy love* it's him Me: 🙂🙂😐😐🙁🙁😕😕☹️☹️😣😣😔😔😞😞😞😣😣😔😔😒😒😒🙃 i couldn't help myself when i told her the truth. she told me they were together on his birthday. I told him he was texting me the whole time. she went to have lunch with him. she cried. he apologized. she forgave him. he wouldn't even call me at first. idr what I said to get his response but he told me he wouldn't answer to ultimatums. i told him if he was ever my friend and if there was an ounce of good in him - he would call me. as I write this, i sit in the same spot on my porch where i finally got SOME of the answers i had been asking myself for weeks. was it me? did I do something wrong? why couldn't he just tell me? why wasn't he honest from the start? I barely remember the conversation but I still remember it clearly. i remember telling myself to accept it and move on. shit happens. your heart breaks. but seeing them together everyday broke it again and again. I tried to be friends with her. we were always laughing and joking and sharing stories and on the outside it seemed like real friendship. idk if it was for her - it might have been - but it never was for me. I kept wanting to get to know her more to figure out what made her better than me. why was she worth hurting me? she's pretty. sweet. funny. outgoing and loving. understanding and blunt at the same time. I always wanted her to know I never hated her or was upset with her which was absolutely true. truly. even to this day. but even now - i will always be jealous of her. at first I wouldn't look at him. wouldn't talk to him. whenever I did I was cold, mean, and just downright as cruel as i can be. I told more people about us. I belittled him whenever I could. I did ANYTHING I could to make him feel the littlest bit of how I felt. it never made it go away. I slept with other people. I got into a relationship with someone else but I never stopped thinking about him. everyday I had to stop myself from crying cause I kept asking myself why? why did this happen? why not me? why? why? why? once i returned from a vacation and he asks me why I didn't tell him I left. I said "why would I? We aren't friends." Months later, he would tell me that was the most hurtful thing I had said to him but he knows what he did was way crueler. once I hung out with them outside of work. I hated every second of it. I pretended I didn't at the time but that night still makes my stomach sick. around that same time - he told me that he thought his best friend and I would get along pretty well. I hated that thought even more. how could I be around him more than I already was? did he not see the torch I carried for him every time we looked at each other? or did he just stop seeing me entirely? did he ever? (apparently not since I also later found out he did it to turn me into a manatee) a few months after that I quit our job and finally stopped seeing him. in person and in my thoughts. he would creep in from time to time but I would push him out to gain the peace I so longingly craved since that morning after. then, three months later, I go to our old job on a night I know he has off. (We worked together for months and each had a set schedule to help make sense of my craziness.) it was a spur of the moment decision truthfully. I didn't want to go home and I really wanted to see my old friends. I wasn't there two minutes before I found out he was there. So I approached him. We talked like we used to. It seemed nothing had really changed. He told me he had picked up this shift on an impulse the day before. I told him I didn't plan on coming in until I was already on my way. He told me they broke up over a month ago. I told him I had some green. We left together and for the first time in 10 months, we had sex again. It was a very long night. Most of it more talking than anything else. He told me things I wanted to hear (I want to believe that it was all the truth but broken mirrors and all). He said he should have trusted his gut and gone back to me often. He said he was worried that we were too similar and too different. He told me he didn't want a relationship because of how soon it had been since her but if there was anyone he could be serious with - it would be me. Would be me. Does that mean it's not? We had sex again the night before. We've established we're both sleeping with other people. He tells me I'm everything he's attracted to. He tells me he's still slept with her after they've broken up. He tells me he always found me attractive - even more than he found her so. He told me there was no challenge with her. It was all vanilla. She wanted to party more than be with him. He said she broke up with him but he's happy with it. He said he thought of me. He said he missed me. He apologizes every chance he gets but I can't bare to hear it. It seems unnecessary and bit too late. My feelings grow and I can't stop them. I fantasize a future with him there and it almost seems to work. Then I remember. What's going to stop him this time? What makes this different than before? Time? Experience? Loneliness? Am I what fills the void for now? How long will it take me to get over him after this? Have I fallen for another trap? My approach this time will be different. I will not hold any punches but I will not give in until I know for sure. I will not hold it against him but I will not forget what lead us here. I am beyond scared of where it will lead but I will not withdrawal. I will be me until the end and I will not break if he cannot truly accept it. I will endure my own guilt, my aching anxiety, my wavering trust and my undying hope. I will keep my heart and mind open but I will protect both with my life. I will love and be loved in my fantasies and dread in the moments when I become aware that that's all that they could be. If we break I will mend and never look back. If we strive I will be thankful and perhaps be able to truly let go of the past. For now, I will pretend that I do not only want him. I will pretend that all is fine because in rare moments of time it really is. I will pretend that this is not killing me. I will pretend. I will. I will. My will be done.
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