Unpopular Thoughts
during an unprecedented time....
I’m angry, resentful, jealous and scared out of my mind. I’m feeling like a total hypocrite getting online everyday promoting yoga, breathing and trusting that the universe has your back when lately I don’t believe it myself. My body feels like a bloated belly full of discomfort and pain (literally and figuratively). I say things like, “just breathe,” when in fact I can’t sit for a 30 second meditation lately without feeling flooded with negativity. I can’t see the light. I am completely losing faith in everything. I also know that I have it far better than others but as I was told by a dear friend of mine, “your feelings don’t have to be minimized just because others may have it harder, you’re human too.” He told me this almost a year ago when I was feeling bad for disappointing so many when I lost my job. I thought to myself then, you don’t have the right to complain. Truth is, I have absolutely every right to feel everything I’m feeling right now and so do you. How to untangle all of this and rise up, well that’s an inside job that requires a lot of fucking perseverance and lately I feel tapped out.
Not one to let the tank get so low that I can’t find a way to recharge, I did what I always do, dived into the yuck or “leaned into the suck.” (Cheryl Sandburg|Option B). I started first by sitting (literally) and instantly I was flooded with negativity. I heard the voice in my head saying, I’m sick of it, I don’t want to practice yoga, I don’t want to do yoga in front of a computer screen, I don’t want to create one more post about yoga only to see that someone else has created a better one, I don’t want to be in this body anymore, I’m so sick of my practice feeling tight and waking up with pain, I’m tired of walking around the same four walls of my house constantly being reminded of how flawed it is, I’m sick of it all! So I quit. I gave up on the meditation and walked away, straight into the kitchen where I made a second cup of coffee and ate a piece of coffee cake (carbs/wheat/sugar) all the things I know my body can’t handle and won’t respond to well. I did it without even breathing or enjoying it for that matter and then I beat myself up about it. Great discipline Amy, you’re killing this wellness game you promote on every social media blurb you share. #smh
I realized quickly what I already know because trust me this isn’t the first time I’ve been down this road. There are moments when anger can work, almost like jet fuel propelling you into a machine like human knocking things off your to do list, but just like a jet airplane, fuel runs out. When we allow our anger to make us blind to consequences it shuts out those other, more crucial skills. When we hold onto anger, it just weighs us down every day, month, year that we stay with it. Enter card pulling, something I do when I can’t find it within me to stay the course, see the light or understand my purpose. I shuffled through the cards sitting with my anger and I kid you not, I pulled “WALK AWAY.” I pulled the walk away card during the week of a full moon. This card says:
Leave the unhealthy situation and enjoy the new doors that open. It’s safe for you to make your desire change. You’ve been wanting to do so but you have hesitated out of fears of what the future holds and what others will think. This card validates that you’ll be okay. Ask the universe to smooth the path. The sooner you make this change, the sooner you will experience the bliss this life has in store for you. Be assertive and tell your true feelings. Make a commitment to yourself and vow to keep it. Start planning now. Call your support group. Update your resume. Squirrel your money away.
So what am I supposed to release? What is it right now that I’m hanging onto? I know I’m feeling anger, jealousy, restless and even a little pity but why? My teacher says, “Release Amy, we don’t have to go back to the places we don’t want to. Stop being the person you are expected to be and live as the person we want to be. Sit with it, release to expand. Go deep enough to get clear on what you need to say goodbye to so you can get super excited about what you want to say hello to. We all deserve a beautiful life. To feel comfortable in our skin. To wake up in the morning feeling good in your body. To be happy, peaceful and calm, this includes you.”
Beautiful right? But how? How do you release when what you want and desire seems unattainable or even worse is now up against a pandemic?
Robert Frost says, “In three words I can sum up everything I know about life, IT GOES ON,” and the truth is, he’s right. The sun rises and the sun sets the attitude you bring into each day will be tested and tried, don’t give up. I’m a total dreamer, always have been and in many ways my dreams have been fulfilled but in other ways well they’re still just dreams. I’m not letting them go.
Maybe I’m just supposed to let go of the thoughts in my head. Put them here. Release them instead of holding on to them and walk away.
https://www.facebook.com/powerofpositivity/videos/221341365738378/














