11/10/24
I’m not even sure how to start this. This week has been a mess of emotions — and what builds on top of that is that I can’t help but feel like every which direction I look int is telling me how to feel. How I should react. How I should BE feeling.
And that makes me confused.
I guess that’s what happens when the nation is so polarized.
The 51 v 49 points metaphor really holds. In all the thoughts that are bubbling up in my mind.
Let’s tackle what feels slightly less emotionally grueling. What I have less skin in the game around.
Four more years of Trump.
It’s funny! When I first read those words .. they didn’t really sink in.
And then once they sunk in .. it was heartbreaking to read.
Truly, this last year .. I feel like I understand what heartache feels like.
(Not the manifestation coming true…)
But now… I feel almost nothing? I feel almost like .. it’s going to be okay?
I don’t know what it is — the time, the last hour or so that I just went full send in on articles, or .. some of Brandon’s influence in actually listening to his polices and speeches.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m always going to think he’s an asshole and undeserving of power.
… It’s probably the fact that he won the popular vote that is aiding and accelerating acceptance.
I mean it’s also the fact that I DID WHAT I COULD! I can’t even say that the electoral college let me down! I voted with my one vote and the American public did the same and … yeah we SPOKE. And that’s that! It’s futile for me to do much else (at least right now). (Of course I can volunteer my time and my $$ for my preferred candidate and plug more into that system but … I mean just being honest, I really don’t know if I’ll do that! As the hypocrite I am!)
And not to give myself an out but .. I do think it’ll be fine. It’ll be 4 years of irritation and annoyance that he’s the figurehead of our country but … I do think I’ll turn out alright on the other end. And I know that’s my own privilege speaking out. And I know that’s giving myself a little bit of an out. But I really have seen the turnaround to acceptance.
Seen? Participated in.
Because I hate to say it but truly, the media IS sensationalized. And I stand by my comments about him being an utterly repulsive and repugnant person… butit’s’s not as bad as the headlines make it out to be.
Man, how have we got here? Truly crazy.
Let’s get into the meat of the problem. Or at least (selfishly) the core of what impact this has on me and where my thoughts have been this week.
How does this affect me & B?
It was … truly shocking for me to hear/learn about B’s support of Trump.
I know that’s silly but I suppose I just assume we’re the same unless a conversation or an event leads me to think otherwise.
And … tbh I feel like this was an inevitable event. (What was that spidermen meme around this? OH, I cannot interfere, this is a canon event).
Hate to say it but Mickey called it — I do like an old school man. I want a man to take care of me, to take care of the household, to protect us and to be a strong figure.
So of course why wouldn’t he support Trump? AND I DO MEAN SUPPORT LIGHTLY… as in he didn’t vote (even though he would have if we were in a swing state and he was registered in time … so the clarification is really unnecessary).
Trump’s campaign ran on promising a better economy (so more $$ to support “our family”), cracking down on immigration (semi-financial benefits but relates to crime & etc) and … well other stuff that I cant really come up with a correlation at the moment.
When it comes to the big ticket items, we agree. I can see the rationale when it comes to what I feel more left on and he comes in with a more “rational” rightish thought.
It really comes down to culture politics and the fact that I think I’m more accepting and he’s more limiting due to one off cases.
The question is … is that enough? Are the shared beliefs enough? Can I accept him as he is — as a trump supporter?
I do feel a slight tinge of shame associated with it. That it says something about ME.
Which of course — it does! But really what it should say is that I am open-minded and not bigoted.
Because I do think a majority of my girlfriends (who mostly happen to be a politician every 4 years…) would treat this as a dealbreaker.
And more power to them.
But it’s nothing to be ashamed of! If anything, that is a clear example of the divisiveness that is pushing us into this state of the nation.
June had a good point — that this should really should be a check in on the rest of our relationship.
Do I feel okay about his career, about our future together (financially), about him raising our future children?
I think the career and financial concerns… I think I need to weigh those more closely this year. I am giving him a shot — I am saying that I’ve never felt like we can’t do something because of monetary reasons but of course it bothers me that he still lives at home.
Like … I think I made up my mind that I am not staying in the basement any longer.
It’s not an innovative thought in any way but I do just want to see if we can just be happy together.
Because coming out of spending the weekend together… I am just happy today.
I don’t want to say goodbye to him.
I love him.
And as much as I’m trying to figure out what that all means… I do know that.
That he’ll always have that place in my heart. That I’ll always feel that.
The care he shows to me… the way he makes me feel safe.. the way he sees me… the way he puts up with my antics… I know other men could maybe do the same but I do love him for that. Beyond what he does for me… his slow and steady nature… his goofy cute sleepy state… his dorky love for history and plane videos… how he shows care to his family and me … I love it.
This drink is stronger than I thought and I have to pee!! None of this makes sense!!!