Don’t Give Up @ana-is-back-bitch - Tumblr Blog

Does anyone know the secret to purging quietly? Not really down for all my coworkers hearing me vomit...

I have 3 days off work in a row next week.... kinda freaked out because I know I'm just gonna end up sitting around and eating...

Everyone calls me a workaholic, but the reality of working everyday is that I can't binge.

I was honestly doing pretty good with food for a minute.... but I work in a hospital, and they admitted a patient to my floor for heart issues resulting from her ED. We were the same height, and taking care of her for three days really sent me spiraling. She had a BMI of 12, and my unit of the hospital isn't equipped for ED. So watching her fudge her intake, having to count her calories, watching her body check, excersize and purge.... Just seeing everything you could be if you tried harder? And the reality of feeling jealous of someone who's heart is giving out...

So I've been I therapy for a good 6 month now, and we're just now talking about my 'eating disorder.' Cause like... im too fat for someone else to bring it up first.

But im like really sick of this back and forth with recovery. Like I'll have a couple weeks where I'm not eating and won't keep food down, and then I pull myself out of it and don't count calories for a while. And then it just starts all over again... like why can't I just stay out of it? Or not recover? Like I either want to be recovered enough to not be anxious about food everyday, or be sick enough that people believe me when I say I am. Because right now I'm too fat to be anorexic.

My wife had been home for 30 minutes, and I already feel like shit. I don't think being in a relationship should feel like sacrificing 100% of your mental and physical health all the time, just to keep your partner happy....

Bought to find out what happens when you take 3xs the highest dose of abilify. Probably just a nice long nap, but we'll see

They say that letting it out doesn't have to leave a scar. But what if I want it too? What if the things inside me feel so violent and confusing that the only way out is tearing through my skin? What if I already know that I'm not going to live long enough to deal with the consequences of those scars? What if some part of me knows that letting it out, is just practice for when I finally go deep enough to make sure it never comes back?

#tw sui mention #tw self half #self harrrm #depression

I'm getting real sick of this crap. The meds don't work, and somehow it's worse without them. I just dont want to do this anymore, and I cant keep pretending like any of this matters. I feel like im falling apart, and I don't know how to hold myself together

Sure, my parents never actually abandoned me. But apparently being told sthat your parents are going to run away to Mexico every time you fucked up, still gives you abandonment issues... who knew

You ever just feel like you really disappointed someone? And then they just like stop expecting you to preform well, or do anything right?

When you've come out as gay, but you're still hiding in your closet to cry....

So sick and tired of the recovery and failure ups and downs....

I feel like as soon as I get out of bad habits and thought processes im falling back into this shit again. And then its a panic to get my self feeling comfortable in a routine.... also I never seem to get any actual weight loss out of it so whats the fucking point?

Anyway, starting to feel like im back here again... we'll see if I stay here long enough to make a difference.

yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou

ana-is-back-bitch

Every birthday cake, eyelash wish, shooting star. I dont want to be here anymore

Trigger warning- rant

I have so many people who love me, and I can't tell any of them whats really going on. I dont want to talk to my older sister, she's busy and happy... and always tells her boyfriend too much. Im not close enough to my brother or little sister, and don't really feel like they'd know how to help. My parents are.... well they're parents. They just get so wrapped up in where they went wrong and worrying what they did, so they don't end up helping. I have friends, but I've kept them all at arms length for so long cause I never wanted them to see how hurt I am. And now that im crumbling I cant bring them closer just for support. Finally my wife. God I love her, but shes already hurting. And how am I supposed to talk to her about me, when everytime mental health comes up I can see how much she's hurting?

At the end of the day, I spent so long trying to maintain this stupid image of being perfect and okay, that I forgot to prepare for what happens when I'm not okay anymore. Right now I'm thinking about goodbyes and I love yous. Im deciding if im strong enough to swallow the pills, or if im strong enough to keep going. Because neither option feels easy. And I have no one to talk me through it. I've been their for so many people, or tried my best to be anyway... so why can't I have someone here for me? Why am I so alone?

I feel so fucking tired. So weak. Im sick of feeling like this and I want it to stop. I've talked to my doctor, and reached out to a therapist. I feel like im out of options, except for one. And I just don't know if I really want to die yet...

You ever just feel so... weak?

Thats what recovery gets us...

I never want to eat again

I found out my doctor is being layed off and im having a mental break down... he's seriously the only doctor I've ever been comfortable with and now I dont know what to do.... guess I'll just stop eating again and see how that works out

#ana thoughts #trigger warning #tw #ed thoughts

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