“ That’s not FAIR. ” She retorted, disliking how Jasper’s words seemed to perfectly echo her older brother’s, his tendency to shift the blame onto her being the catalyst behind her own self-loathing. It was correct to say Jenna had done her best to ignore the events of years past, how she’d thrown herself into charity work and volunteering activities for the school, how she’d sung in the church choir at the memorial when she should’ve been visiting him, how she’d cried behind closed doors for nights at a time, unwilling to burden her Mother any further… But was it correct to say she didn’t like hearing about him? That even with the heavy grudge she held against him she didn’t care for his wellbeing? “ I don’t like talking about him, saying you’re visiting his apartment isn’t going to––––– ––– I’m not a child, Jasper. ” She was tired, tired of him walking on eggshells around her as if her leaving him wasn’t for good reason. She so desperately wanted to say something, but instead, pale hand went instinctively to her neck, slim fingers wrapping around the cross lying there as an act of comfort. “ I can leave. You seem to have already decided this–––– –– Him, it, whatever this is, is too much for me anyway. ”
jasper resisted the urge to flinch at her words, despite how they seemed to cut him open. he never said the right thing — his words never reflecting how he felt on the inside, his body and mouth working against him like he was two separate beings wrapped in one. ‘ that’s not — that’s not what– what i meant. ’ his voice shook as he spoke, already feeling defeated. at times it seemed pointless to even try, to actually mend anything —— because in the end he always screwed it up. he felt HOPELESS, like he’d never say or do the right thing — never find the magic words to make everything better. the truth was that he constantly felt as if he was betraying one sibling or the other — like just by talking to one of them he had hurt the other. and that feeling, that overwhelming sense of GUILT that made him feel like he was being r i p p e d in two — he wanted to do anything to avoid that. so he lied — to both of them. he was more protective of jenna, sure, he always had been — it had been his JOB. to protect his mother and sister, and he’d failed, because that’s what he did. he could pick up any beautiful, perfect thing and manage to turn it into something twisted, something ugly, and gruesome, and mangled —— into a reflection of himself. ‘ you don’t have to go, i just — please, jenna —— i’m sorry. ’ it wasn’t the first time he’d resorted to begging, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. he was pathetic — he knew that, knew that he didn’t deserve the love he craved from his sister, from joel, from anyone. but he was like a leech; pitiful, and small, and draining. he so badly wanted to feel loved that he’d trip over his own feet trying to get it. he took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself, trying to stop himself from spiralling. ‘ i just — i didn’t want to upset you, i’m sorry. ’
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