jayce-sheffield:
Heart Throbbing
“I read the book!”
From high above comes a fist aimed directly at Jayce’s temple. He turns his face out of instinct, but his body’s cemented in shock and doesn’t flee like he wishes it would. Really, he should thank it. If he dared try and escape, the bruise that’s now forming on the side of his right eye would’ve been placed in a much more compromising location; he wouldn’t put it past his abuser to steal a portion of his vision at this point.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not!” Jayce protests in Urdu to match the accusation, blinking feverishly in a mediocre attempt at holding back the tears that have already formed and are waiting along to spill from each waterline. “I swear Baba, I read it! I know all about it!”
“Then tell me how you failed your practice exam?”
The voice holds zero empathy. It’s robotic, void of any humanistic elements whatsoever. Bitterly rigid.
Although he knows better than to keep his line of vision down when spoken to, Jayce continues to do so anyway. He’s already curled into himself, sat in his desk chair, doing his best to hide the pain that’s shooting down the right side of his face. If he were to dare look up, he’d certainly break. Shatter like a cursed fifteen year old trophy that’s been tossed to the ground in execration.
The sound of footsteps stomping across carpet is what causes Jayce to finally lift his head. Out of his left eye he watches his father advance to the bedroom’s extensive bookshelf with trepidation. When the man grabs the bookend closest to him, Jayce’s stomach flips. A crack splinters down his being.
“I only read the novel, not the textbook,” he sputters, hating how feeble his voice sounds aloud. He hates how normal that’s become even more. “B-but I have it! I’m going to read it and do well on the real exam, I swear!”
“Swearing isn’t good enough.”
The last thing Jayce sees before his eyes slam shut is a piece of metal in the shape of the letter ‘J’ hurdling towards him.
The master bedroom’s pitch black. The more Jayce’s eyes adjust to the darkness, the more he can make out, but they’re minimal things: the door leading to the ensuite bathroom, the outline of the abstract painting that hangs next to the light switch, the blankets that should be tucked up to his chin but are now crumpled at the foot of the bed. His foot of the bed.
Andi’s steady breathing mixes with that of the two dogs situated in the far corner of the room; it’s nothing like Jayce’s ragged. His husband’s turned towards him, lips pouting, inviting Jayce to kiss them. He should. If he knew what was best for him, he would, but he can’t bear to taint the one constant good in his life. He’s more than aware of the relief he’d receive if he jostled Andi awake. How the sting in his eyes would go away the moment they locked with another lighter pair of brown, and how the man’s tight hold would piece his broken heart back together. But he’s stubborn, and a far too in love with Andi to do anything other than spare him a glance over his shoulder as he slips out of bed and downstairs to the kitchen.
Quietly, he fills the electric kettle and clicks in on. It’ll only take a couple of minutes, this he knows, yet he doesn’t feel stable enough on his feet to wait. His body feels heavy, like he’s in need of something to lean on to alleviate this emotional exhaustion that’s overtaken him. Instead of taking a seat at the nearby dining table, he ventures through the house, finding solace only when he enters his library.
Two mighty windows are centered on the back wall. To their right is the high-back armchair that Jayce paid a fortune for, but has proved itself worth the money by never losing an ounce of comfort even after the hundreds of hours he’s spent in it reading the titles that cover the room’s numerous shelving units.
He forces his feet towards it, only to stop halfway. At shoulder level, near the edge of one of the many wooden panels drilled into the wall, several books are slanted sideways. One has fallen completely flat. Gravity has pulled the next two in the same direction, but the first halted them in their place. Jayce stares blankly at the sight. Although his eyes have adjusted to the darkness that’s all throughout the home by now, he can’t make out the names on the spines. What small amount of light coming from the expansive windows helps, but not enough.
“What’s the point in me buying you the books you want if you don’t get high marks with them?”
Jayce’s lips part to swallow more air than his nose is allowing.
“I love them.” The searing pain coursing through the teenager’s right shoulder blade causes him to clench his jaw and grunt. “I love reading.”
A violent sniffle rips through the library’s calm atmosphere.
“No, you love making me angry.”
“I don’t! I never do! I respect you!”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Jayce’s eyes squeeze closed in time with the second bookend piercing his back. He forces himself to stay trapped in the darkness behind his lids, letting out a pathetic sob that sounds more like the intense swoosh of his lungs emptying all at once than a broken cry. That comes next. Once after a sharp inhale, and again, following a breath drawn in for so long that Jayce has no choice but to open his eyes and face the sight in front of him once more.
Andi remembers the many sleepless nights he spent when he was younger. He would stare at his window blankly, endless stars in the sky that seemed to match the endless thoughts consuming him. They were negative, a dark cloud above his head that appeared especially when he was alone and his surroundings were mute. It was easy to feel sorry for himself during those times, the feeling becoming worse the longer he didn’t have enough sleep. He thinks even when the band was formed he couldn’t sleep ━ a mix of nerves and excitement taking him over and spending his nights trying to chat up his new bandmates.
The first time Andi gets a peaceful night sleep is after the group celebrates their win of staying together, even after the lose of the competition. It hadn’t felt like he lost anything in that moment, getting to live his dream and have four people to call his friends was enough to have Andi feeling happy over the journey ahead. They celebrated until they could barely keep their eyes open, the five of them sleeping intertwined and on top of each other. Andi was the last one to fall asleep, still vibrating with excitement and joy, but he slept peaceful throughout the night.
He realized the best way to fall asleep and do it peacefully is to have someone he trusts by his side.
It eventually turned into feeling the warmth of Jayce’s body behind him being the main factor of peaceful sleeping, to feel the other man’s arms wrapped around him and keeping him close. It was a reminder of a new life and a fresh start from who he used to be. It’s what he gained in the process of trying something new, from being a little selfish and attempting to make something out of himself while auditioning for the competition. A safe haven ━ where he realized Jayce Sheffield became his home not long after they started dating.
It’s no wonder he wakes up the moment Jayce’s arms are no longer around him. He doesn’t reach out toward his husband immediately, doesn’t make a sound as he tries to figure out what day of the week it is. He can feel himself instantly ready to fall back asleep, in between falling into a dream or waking up. He hears some movement inside the room, unable to differentiate if it’s his husband or the dogs they left at the other end of the bedroom. It’s then that he reaches to the other side of the bed, hand smacking down on to the warm mattress that his lover once took up space.
His eyes peel open and he lets out a yawn, swinging his legs off the bed and standing up with a stretch. It’s pitch black, he’s finally registered now that his eyes are open, and he does his best to stay quiet as he makes his way out the bedroom. His letting out another quiet yawn as he searches around for Jayce in his sleepy state. However, it’s like a shot of twenty energy drinks consumes him when he hears an unfamiliar noise ━ one that he’s able to make out into a cry.
Andi’s brain plays a quick catch up with his feet, following the noise almost like he’s hypnotized to it. His feet come to a halt when he sees Jayce, a state he hadn’t seen the other in quite sometime. It wasn’t that his husband was a closed book, but he held his emotions a lot better than Andi ever could. The latter wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or bad. The other isn’t looking at him, but it doesn’t stop Andi from reaching over.
His arms wrap around his husband’s trembling frame, bringing the other man into his arms. A hand caresses the back of Jayce’s head while the other wraps around him. There’s a million and one things going on in his head, a lot of them are questions directed at Jayce, but he decides to remain silent. He wasn’t sure if Jayce wanted to be alone or didn’t want to bother Andi so he holds the other man tighter, eyes closed as his nose buries in Jayce’s neck.
The important thing, Andi thinks, is that he’s a presence for Jayce to remember someone is there for him at his weakest.
