[rulifez]

— ru | she/her | infj | senior hs student 𓏲𑁘

I mainly write about genshin impact and honkai star rail — slow updates.. (∩´͈ ᴖ `͈∩ ྀི)

status: The Muse I Couldn't Hold | Annotations Of You ୨୧ latest updates: Entry 011 ☽ The End | Entry 002 ୨୧ House Rules

Now playing ༄ About you — The 1975 ♪

— follows come from @rainlolzz

— masterlist

— divider credits @/uzmacchiato

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED — rulifez — please do not copy or plagiarize :( i only upload my work in tumblr.

[rulifez]

why are these 6'1 alpha ahh growling stories coming?? i don't want these advertisement. (i lowkey get invested in it LMAOOO)

[rulifez]

doing natlan quest after 100 years but i look at my team. and it's so ahh.

[rulifez]

As someone who LOVES childe and ayato 🤔 I wrote nothing about them GOODBYE 💔

[rulifez]

Annotations Of You — Entry 002 ୨୧ House rules

︴Word Count — 800+ ࿐

Living with a stranger was… surprisingly normal.

Well, as normal as accidentally sharing an apartment with someone you’d met less than twenty-four hours ago could be.

You’d already learned a few things about him.

He woke up at exactly 6:30 every morning. He drank black coffee. He somehow managed to cook breakfast without making a single unnecessary sound.

It was almost unsettling.

Meanwhile… “Ow.”

You rubbed your forehead after walking straight into one of the kitchen cabinets.

“…Are you okay?” he asked.

You turned around to find him standing by the sink, a mug of coffee in one hand.

“I’ll live,” you replied with a sigh. “The cabinet attacked me.”

He looked at the cabinet. Then at you.

“…I see,” he said.

“Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not.”

“You wanted to.”

“I considered it..?"

You narrowed your eyes. “Wow. I just got assaulted by kitchen furniture, and you’re siding with the cabinet.”

“It has a convincing argument,” he replied.

You let out a dramatic gasp. “I already don’t like you.”

“You drank my orange juice.”

“…Dude, that’s completely unrelated.”

“It isn’t.”

For the first time since meeting him, you heard something that sounded dangerously close to a chuckle.

It was small. But it counted. You’d take it as a win.

That afternoon, you continued unpacking the last of your boxes until a light knock came from your bedroom door.

You looked up. He stood there holding a sheet of paper. “I made house rules,” he said, offering it to you.

You took it. At the top, written in neat handwriting, were the words:

Apartment 4B

Wash your own dishes.

Replace anything you finish.

Don’t move my camera equipment.

Lock the door if you’re the last one out.

Wake me up if there’s a fire.

You blinked. “…Only if there’s a fire?” you asked.

“Yes.”

“What if there’s an earthquake?”

He thought for a moment. “If the apartment’s still standing,” he replied, “let me sleep.”

You couldn’t help laughing. “Noted.”

A pen lay on the dining table. You picked it up. “Mind if I add one?” you asked.

He gave a small shrug. You smiled before writing underneath the list.

6. If you make tea, ask if I want one too. :)

You handed the paper back. He stared at the new rule for a few seconds. “…Fine,” he said at last.

You grinned. “I knew you’d understand.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.” you laughed.

He shook his head ever so slightly before walking away, the paper still in his hand.

You smiled to yourself. Maybe living with him wouldn’t be so bad after all. Even if he was on the cabinet’s side.

[Name]:

Hi

Quick question..

Did you seriously make house rules?

Scaramouche:

Yes

[Name]:

Rule number five is insane🧍‍♀️

Scaramouche:

It's practical 😐

[Name]:

There are other emergencies besides fires..

Scaramouche:

We'll discuss them when they happen.

[Name]:

..😭

Waittt, did you make tea??

Scaramouche:

Yes.

[Name]:

And you didn't ask me? :(

Scaramouche:

Check the counter.

[Name]:

???

WAIT.

YOU MADE ME ONE??

Scaramouche:

You wrote the rule.

[Name]:

Thank you!!! 🥹

Thank you. Thank you.

Scaramouche:

Don't make this a habit.

[Name]:

Too late haha

Anyways, the tea is really goood

Scaramouche:

I know.

Scaramouche's Journal

I think she has a personal grudge against kitchen cabinets.

She walked into one this morning. Then accused it of attacking her. Then looked offended when I sided with the cabinet.

She’s… actually weird.

I still don’t understand how someone can make an apartment feel different after only two days.

It’s not that she’s loud. Quite the opposite. She’s careful?

She closes doors gently. Washes her dishes immediately after eating. She even apologizes when she accidentally drops a spoon.

Today she apologized to the cabinet.

The cabinet.

I don’t know why I keep remembering things like that. Maybe because they’re oddly amusing. Or maybe because she says everything with complete sincerity.

I made a list of house rules today. Thought it’d make things easier. She added one beneath mine.

“If you make tea, ask if I want one too. :)”

There was a smiley face at the end. I don’t know why that bothered me. Not in a bad way, I guess. Just… My list looked so serious. Then there was this tiny smile staring back at me.

This afternoon, I made tea. Without thinking, I made two cups. Old habits are hard to build. New ones are harder to notice.

She found hers on the kitchen counter. A few seconds later, my phone buzzed six times. She thanked me three times.

Who thanks someone three times for tea?

Apparently… She does. I told her not to get used to it. She said it was too late.

...It’s only been two days. And somehow, the apartment already feels less empty.

I hope management fixes this soon.

I really do.

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

— ask/comment to be added to the taglist!

you can see how action ahh writing is not my strong suit.. LMAO

— might start posting slowly from now on 😭

— divider credits to @/pepsipoet & @/thecutestgrotto

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A chance apartment admin mix-up keeps two strangers in forced proximity. He’s distant and sharp-tongued; you’re persistent enough to stay. In a quiet city, small encounters turn into something neither of you knows how to name—or escape.

TAGLIST — @miholio @bittersweetmiko @kithewanderingme

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED — rulifez — please do not copy or plagiarize :( i only upload my work in tumblr

[rulifez]

Annotations Of You — Entry 001 ୨୧ Admin error

︴Word Count — 700+ ࿐

Apartment hunting wasn’t supposed to be this difficult.

After weeks of scrolling through listings, calling landlords, and getting rejected because “someone else already got it,” you were finally standing in front of Apartment 4B with a suitcase in one hand and a paper bag of instant ramen in the other.

“Finally,” you sighed.

You unlocked the door.

…

It didn’t open. You frowned. Maybe the key was old?

You tried again. Still nothing. Before you could question your life choices any further, the lock clicked from the other side.

The door slowly opened. A guy stood there. Messy navy-blue hair. Oversized hoodie. One hand was still gripping the doorknob while the other held a camera by its strap.

His expression didn’t change. “…Can I help you?”

You blinked. “…Um.” You looked at him. Then at the apartment number. Then at the lease in your hand. Then back at him. “I think…” You held up the paper. “…you’re in my apartment.”

Silence. He glanced at your lease. You watched him read it. Apartment 4B. His eyebrows twitched. “I live here.”

“…”

“…”

“…That’s unfortunate.” You couldn’t help it. You laughed. Not because it was funny. Mostly because if you didn’t laugh, you were pretty sure you’d cry.

Twenty minutes later, both of you were sitting inside the apartment management office.

“We sincerely apologize.”

The apartment manager smiled the kind of smile that immediately made you nervous.

“There appears to have been an administrative error.”

“So…”

The manager clasped his hands together. “You’ve both been assigned Apartment 4B.”

“What.”

“You’ll just have to stay together until we can fix the issue.” The manager says.

“…How long?”

“A week.”

The guy beside you finally spoke.

“…Realistically.”

The manager coughed. “…Three.”

“Three weeks?”

You stared at your suitcase. Then at him. Then back to your suitcase. This was ridiculous. You didn’t even know his name.

“I’m leaving.” He stood.

Your heart dropped. Right. Of course. Why would anyone willingly live with a stranger? “I’ll…” You scratched your neck awkwardly. “I’ll just look for a motel.”

He stopped walking. “…They’re expensive.”

“…Yeah.”

He sighed. “You can stay.”

You looked up. “What?”

“The guest room.”

“…Really?”

“I’d rather explain to my landlord why someone is in my apartment than explain why someone’s sleeping in the hallway.”

“I wasn’t going to sleep in the hallway.”

“You looked like you were considering it.”

“…I was.”

For the first time… The corner of his mouth moved. Not quite a smile. But close enough.

“…I’m [name].”

He adjusted the camera hanging from his shoulder. “…I'm Scaramouche.”

Unknown Number

Unknown:

Hi! This is... your accidental roommate. 😭

The apartment manager gave me your number.

Thank you for letting me stay.

I'll try not to be a burden.

Scaramouche:

Don't touch my camera.

Unknown:

...

Noted.

Anything else?

Scaramouche:

Don't eat the pudding.

Unknown:

You have pudding?

Scaramouche:

...

Forget I said that.

Unknown:

😭😭

Now I really want the pudding.

Scaramouche:

Don't.

Unknown:

I won't!!

Promise. :)

Scaramouche's Journal

I wanted to live alone.

Instead, management handed me an extrovert.

She laughed after telling me I was in her apartment.

Most people would’ve panicked. She laughed. Weirdo.

She apologized four times before we even reached the management office. I counted without meaning to. She says “sorry” like it’s punctuation, slipping it into sentences that don’t need it.

She texted me after getting my number. To thank me. Nobody has ever thanked me for something that felt so… ordinary.

I told her not to touch my camera. It was the first thing that came to mind. Not because I think she’d break it.

Because I don’t like people touching things that matter to me. She immediately asked if there was anything else she shouldn’t touch.

I almost wrote,

“Nothing else matters that much.”

Instead I wrote,

“Don’t eat the pudding.”

Now she knows there’s pudding in my fridge. Brilliant.

She somehow turned my warning into a conversation. I don’t understand how she does that. The apartment feels… louder now. Not because she’s noisy.

She’s actually surprisingly quiet. It’s the little things. The sound of boxes opening. Her humming while unpacking. The kettle boiling because she apparently drinks tea every evening.

She asked if the guest room window always squeaks. I said yes. She apologized to the window.

To the window.

Who apologizes to a window?

She’s odd.

Hopefully management fixes this soon. Three weeks isn’t a long time. Not long enough for either of us to get used to this.

At least… I don’t think it is.

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

— ask/comment to be added in the taglist!

— there are some errors.. but i'm too lazy rn to fix it so pls don't mind :,>

— divider credits to @/pepsipoet & @/thecutestgrotto

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A chance apartment admin mix-up keeps two strangers in forced proximity. He’s distant and sharp-tongued; you’re persistent enough to stay. In a quiet city, small encounters turn into something neither of you knows how to name—or escape.

TAGLIST — @miholio @bittersweetmiko @kithewanderingme

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED — rulifez — please do not copy or plagiarize :( i only upload my work in tumblr

[rulifez]

Why's my tumblr pmo. Every social media app pmo. What did I do to deserve this 🗣

[rulifez]

my brain is not working anymore goodbye 💔 I wish it were simple as that. Sighs.

[rulifez]

˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ THE MUSE I COULDN'T HOLD

written & short fanfic | scaramouche x fem!reader

| SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

| INCLUDES — university au, modern au, scaramouche's POV, fluff, angst, journal format, scaramouche in love.

| STATUS — completed.

| EXTRAS — inaccurate depictions of university, ooc!scara (?) (it's wanderer)

| STARTED: 16/02/2026 ENDED: 02/07/2026

| taglist: closed ♡

𓏲𑁘 ENTRIES 𓏲੭

— Entry 000 ☽ Start

— Entry 001 ☽ Cats

— Entry 002 ☽ Assignment

— Entry 003 ☽ Photo

— Entry 004 ☽ Text

— Entry 005 ☽ Sunset

— Entry 006 ☽ Library

— Entry 007 ☽ Comfort

— Entry 008 ☽ Beauty

— Entry 009 ☽ Rain

— Entry 010 ☽ Distant

— Entry 011 ☽ The End

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED — rulifez — please do not copy or plagiarize :( i only upload my work in tumblr.

None of the characters belong to me — all genshin impact characters belongs to hoyoverse.

[rulifez]

Omg. Finally completed after almost 5 months. This would have been done earlier but I procrastinate a lot LOL.. Thank you so much for reading again.

[rulifez]

The Muse I Couldn't Hold — Entry 011 ☽ The End

︴Word Count — 400+ ࿐

I guess you only ever saw me as a friend. Maybe not even that, sometimes. And all this time, it was in my head—the late-night messages, the photos I took of you when you weren't looking, the way your laugh echoed a little longer in my memory. I thought it meant something. I wanted it to mean something. But it didn't. Not to you.

I saw you today. With him.

You smiled like sunlight breaking through clouded glass, and for a moment I forgot how to breathe. Then he put his hand around your waist. Not awkwardly or cautiously. Like it belonged there. And the way you leaned into him..God. You looked so at ease, like you'd done it a hundred times before.

That's when I knew. You have someone. A lover.

That's why you started drifting. Why the texts slowed down. Why the light I thought you reserved solely for me was never really mine to begin with. You were protecting me, in your own way.

Drawing lines I never noticed being drawn. And maybe that's the part that hurts the most—| didn't even see it happening. I was too busy dreaming.

Ha. Entry 11. An odd number. Like us.

We were always a little mismatched—me, with my camera and cracked heart, you with your chaos and soft smiles that undid me. I guess I always knew deep down I'd never get to be yours. But I let hope trick me. Just for a while.

You were my muse.

Every word I wrote. Every sketch, every click of the shutter, every second of stillness I captured—it all led back to you. Not because I expected you to love me back. But because I couldn't not love you.

You inspired something in me I didn't even know existed.

And now, I think this is goodbye. Not because I want to. God, no. But because I have to. Because holding on to someone who's already in someone else's arms feels like carving your name into water.. pointless and painful.

So here it is,

Goodbye, my muse.

Thank you for the laughter, the rain, the afternoons in the library. Thank you for letting me love you, even if you never knew it. Even if you never wanted it.

And just this once, let me say it fully.

I love you.

I always did.

And I probably always will.

But some people are meant to be art. Not love. And I think you were always meant to be framed—not held.

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

The End.

Thank you so much for reading <3

I genuinely appreciate every single one of you who stayed until the very last page. It honestly feels bittersweet to say goodbye. I’m happy I got to tell this story, but I’m also a little sad that it’s over.

At its heart, this story was about how love does not become meaningless simply because it isn’t returned. Sometimes, loving someone quietly can still change who you are. And sometimes, the greatest act of love is learning to let go with gratitude instead of resentment.

Not every confession reaches its destination. Not every muse becomes a lover. But that doesn’t make the memories any less beautiful, or the love any less real.

Whether this story made you smile, ache, or simply pause for a moment, thank you for letting these pages become a small part of your life.

Thank you for reading, for supporting this journey, and for giving these characters a place in your heart.

Until the next story—

With love. ♡

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

Check out "Annotations Of You", it's my new scara upcoming story 🤍 thank you!

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

TAGLIST — @meisverycool @knifeswirl @paupauww @kithewanderingme @m1ikqn @shadsmidnightthoughts @payayay @kabumeow @miholio @yasimm @justag00ber @bittersweetmiko @starryscara @angeliccakeycloud

[rulifez]

The Muse I Couldn't Hold — Entry 010 ☽ Distant

︴Word Count — 200+ ࿐

Three months since that happened. Since the rain. Since your laugh echoed through a soaked street and your hand held mine like it was the most natural thing in the world.

But now. something's different. You are different.

You've grown distant. Slowly at first. A missed message here. A short reply there. I told myself you were busy. Tired. Overwhelmed. But then it stopped. The texts. The calls. The small moments where we'd lock eyes across the room like the universe was still playing our song. It's like someone pressed pause on us and forgot to hit play again.

I don't know what happened. I replay our moments over and over like a film stuck in a loop, trying to find where the shift began. Was it me? Did I say too much? Feel too much? Was I holding on to something you let go of long before I even noticed?

I still see you sometimes. In class. On campus. You smile, but it doesn't reach your eyes anymore. It's polite. Distant. And I force myself to smile back even though my chest is screaming.

It hurts. God, it hurts. Not the kind that breaks things. But the quiet, hollow ache that comes from being forgotten slowly. From watching something beautiful wilt in silence.

And yet.. Here I am, still writing about you. Still hoping that maybe you'll look at me one day like you used to. Like I mattered.

But if this is the part where the story ends, I wish someone would have told me.

Or maybe I just didn't want to read the last page.

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

— one more entry to go and we're done?? omg 🥹

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

TAGLIST — @meisverycool @knifeswirl @paupauww @kithewanderingme @m1ikqn @shadsmidnightthoughts @payayay @kabumeow @miholio @yasimm @justag00ber @bittersweetmiko @starryscara @angeliccakeycloud

[rulifez]

what if i just post the next chapter after 1000 years 🥳 (the last 2 chapters are written... just gotta post it ha)

[rulifez]

The Muse I Couldn't Hold — Entry 009 ☽ Rain

︴Word Count — 300+ ࿐

It rained today. Not the gentle kind. The kind that turns sidewalks into rivers and students into stranded birds. Most people didn't make it home in time-sunny skies all morning, lying weather apps, false hope. But somehow, you had an umbrella. Of course you did. When I asked if you saw it coming, you shrugged and said, "I always carry one." Simple. Like it wasn't some grand, poetic foreshadowing. Like you weren't about to turn this rainy afternoon into something I'd never forget.

You offered to share your umbrella. I refused, of course. Not because I didn't want to—I did. God, I did. But because part of me still doesn't feel worthy of that kind of closeness. But you laughed and said, "Stop being dramatic." And then, well. Who am I to refuse you?

So there we were. Under the umbrella. Shoulders brushing. Breaths shared in the hush of falling rain. And then, out of nowhere, you folded the umbrella and shoved it into your bag. I blinked at you, confused and slightly horrified. "We're getting soaked."

And you grinned. Took my hand. Ran.

I didn't have time to react. I didn't have time to think. All I knew was the feeling of your fingers in mine and your laughter echoing in the storm. And then I laughed too. Unfiltered. Real. We didn't stop. We ran through puddles, danced in the street like idiots, dared the clouds to keep up with us. For a few fleeting minutes, we weren't students, or strangers, or two people orbiting each other too carefully.

We were together.

We got sick, of course. The fever hit hard, and you texted me like, "Totally your fault, by the way." (I'll take the blame if it means you'll keep texting me like that.)

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

I did get drenched a hundred times over just to feel your hand in mine again. I hope there's more. More unexpected rain. More shared umbrellas. More moments where I forget how to breathe because of your smile.

You know what? I'll even bring the umbrella next time—only to see what you do.

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

— ask/comment to be added to the taglist! btw posted a new scara story (I haven't started yet but.. yes) <3 please check it out if you can 🤍 it's called "Annotations of You"! I would appreciate it :> I suck at writing synopsis btw..

get ready for the next 2 entries </3

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

TAGLIST — @meisverycool @knifeswirl @paupauww @kithewanderingme @m1ikqn @shadsmidnightthoughts @payayay @kabumeow @miholio @yasimm @justag00ber @bittersweetmiko @starryscara @angeliccakeycloud

[rulifez]

— ANNOTATIONS OF YOU .ᐟ

written/chat & short fanfic | scaramouche x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS — A chance apartment admin mix-up keeps two strangers in forced proximity. He’s distant and sharp-tongued; you’re persistent enough to stay. In a quiet city, small encounters turn into something neither of you knows how to name—or escape.

INCLUDES — modern au, fluff, bits of chatfic, angst, journal format, reader & scara's pov, dry humor? atp.. i really don't know.. we will see together..

STATUS — ongoing

EXTRAS — inaccurate depictions of something. i just know i'll mess up something guys, ooc!scara.. haha, veryyy slow updates

STARTED: 03/07/2026 ENDED: —

— ask/comment to be added in the taglist ♡

୨ ENTRIES ୧

— Entry 001 ୨୧ Admin Error

— Entry 002 ୨୧ House Rules

— Entry 003 ୨୧

— Entry 004 ୨୧

— Entry 005 ୨୧

— Entry 006 ୨୧

— Entry 007 ୨୧

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED — rulifez — please do not copy or plagiarize :( i only upload my work in tumblr.

None of the characters belong to me — all genshin impact characters belongs to hoyoverse.

[rulifez]

The Muse I Couldn't Hold — Entry 008 ☽ Beauty

︴Word Count — 300+ ࿐

One year. It's been one whole year since you stepped into my life like sunlight through a crack in the wall—and I feel like I haven't taken the time to sit with it. With you. I don't even know where to start, so maybe I'll start with the obvious.

You're beautiful. And I don't mean like in the way people throw the word around. I mean it in the way that makes my chest feel too tight, in the way that makes silence feel like a song when you're in the room. Your hair—it falls past your arms. I've never measured it, but God knows I've memorized how it moves when you laugh, how it catches light like it's trying to show off for me. And your eyes.

You could shatter me with a single glance or heal me with one of those soft gaze you probably don't even know you give. There's something about the way you look at the world that soothes me. Like everything's a little less loud when I see you.

And your face. What do I even say? You're not just pretty. You're art. In the way the old poets wrote about and never recovered from. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to paint you—because I'm terrified that one day my memory won't do you justice. I have sketched you, secretly.

Outlines, shadows, the way you sit when you're reading or sipping tea. It's the only way I know how to hold onto you without really having you.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get to call you mine. If I'll ever have the right to tuck that hair behind your ear or look into your eyes without looking away first. I don't know.

Maybe I'm a fool in love with a dream. But maybe just maybe—the future has something else in mind.

Let's see, yeah?

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

— comment/ask to be added in the taglist

⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

TAGLIST — @meisverycool @knifeswirl @paupauww @kithewanderingme @m1ikqn @shadsmidnightthoughts @payayay @kabumeow @miholio @yasimm @justag00ber @bittersweetmiko @starryscara @angeliccakeycloud

[rulifez]

The Muse I Couldn't Hold — Entry 007 ☽ Comfort

︴Word Count — 300+ ࿐

Today wasn't good. Mentally, I mean. I woke up feeling like I was already losing—before the day even began. My parents scolded me again. Said the dream I'm chasing won't feed me, won't clothe me, won't keep me standing. That I'm wasting time. That I should "get real." Funny how people who love you can still make you feel so unseen. I wish they could look at me and see more than just my major, more than a "bad investment." I wish they saw me.

So I put on my best mask, the one with the practiced smile and the tired eyes, and dragged myself to class. I sat down, silent. Ready to fade.

And then you happened. You noticed.

Somehow, you always do. Even when I try to make sure no one can.

You didn't ask if I was okay. You didn't throw empty words at my wounds. Instead, you turned to me with that gentle smile—like you were handing me light-and showed me a page full of doodles. Little cats with tired eyes. A coffee cup with a sword. A sunflower with teeth. I don't even know why, but it made me laugh. Not out loud.

Just enough to breathe again.

You didn't try to comfort me, because you are the comfort. Your presence makes everything feel a little more survivable. And I know you knew what you were doing. In the way that only people who really see others do. And now I'm sitting here, hours later, writing this, wondering how in the word I got lucky enough to even know you. What cosmic dice rolled in my favor for our paths to cross? I don't get it. I probably never will.

But I do know this.. I hope the universe lets this moment stretch forever.

Just this—me, you, a page of silly doodles, and the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone.

Silly me, huh?

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

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⊱܀⊹࿐⊰܀⊹

SYNOPSIS — A quiet journal traces a year of almosts—shared classes, rain-soaked laughter, study sessions, and the ache of noticing too much. Through photos, sketches, and unsent words, a boy learns how love can grow in silence, become art, and fade without ever being named.

TAGLIST — @meisverycool @knifeswirl @paupauww @kithewanderingme @m1ikqn @shadsmidnightthoughts @payayay @kabumeow @miholio @yasimm @justag00ber @bittersweetmiko @starryscara @angeliccakeycloud

[unikits]

Hello!! this is my first time posting on tumblr so i am a little nervous actually lmao, so I do not know everything i must do with a post liek this but i'll try my best a little backstory as to why i wrote this, since the reveal of the Tsaritsa's design and also that child that was with her I had a spark of inspiration about writing the dark side of motherly love and how it can break someone, i hope i deliver what i think i wrote, this is not proofread so if you see any mistakes pardon me for it

I am not good with trigger warnings so sorry if you find something that upsets you and i did not warn you about, this story is extermly angsty as it goes and has a toxic relationship between a mother and her child also a suicidal thoughts to it a little, hopefully that's all.

and I hope you enjoy the story, like and reblog so you can give me motivation to write more, love you and have a great day whoever's reading this!! divider is made by cursed-carmine.

Why tell me Mother?

Since when have you walked the land of Snezhnaya? You asked this question many times, too many times you forgot how many actually, you miss playing on the snow fields with other children who doesn’t know you, who would treat you like any other kid their age and enjoy your jokes, silly observations and roleplaying games you did together, their faces are obscured by the fog of time; they might be dead right now and you don’t know yet, but the sting inside of your heart is real, a feeling you cling to when all other emotions has left you for so long your heart forgot how to feel them.

You don’t know the time currently but it could be dawn, another sleepless night, they became frequent these past few months; the inability to close your eyes and just rest, it seems easy yet so hard to do for you just like other stuff that are hard for you, only for you…… All you want was to just lay on your large bed, cover yourself with thick layers of blankets and just abandon the cruel world you live in for a moment of peace and quiet in a land unshackled by your current reality, a land where your brother is alive, where you two would hug each other under a tree covered in white snow watching the aurora in trails of green and blues dancing together like waves in the middle of ocean, you miss seeing it more than you’d like to admit…or maybe you miss watching it with him…

These thoughts have consumed your entire being for long years it became what you always think of, you do not know how you survived until now, and what is even more confusing is if you survived because of the fond memories of him or your survival is in critical danger because of the pain that follows these memories…you just cling to the feelings really, you do not care about how much sanity you are losing, why bother when you are just a husk of the bright person you used to be? A sun turned cold rock floating through space filled with bright stars far away for you to reach, maybe he was the sun that illuminated you and her world, you laugh bitterly at the thought that maybe you two aren’t that different from each other.

You are snapped out of your thoughts at the knock on the door, after you mumble a weak “you may enter” your personal maid quietly opens the door and enters, she bows to you and mutter a meek good morning before she starts to attend to your needs, helping you get out of bed, not that you can’t do it yourself you just don’t have a reason to other then obligation and duty, she brushes your hair, help you pick an outfit for the day and just follows you around all day in any case you need her help with anything; only so few things that you need her help with so you either sit in the palace library or just sit in the gardens and enjoy the closest thing to being free possible without her presence.

She should know how you feel, She should try to make you happy again, why can’t she ? why every time she looks at your eyes, she only finds the same cold, dead stare she knows all to well when looking in the mirror or the ice coating her room, she lived for 5 centuries and witnessed countless calamities and snow storms more then anyone can handle like her, she had to crush her heart in a coat of ice so she can look up to them and declare her war against them, against an order that took so much from her, her lover, her son, her child’s smile……no, that last one was her own fault……her sole fault as a mother.

She cannot remember the last time she saw you skipping through the palace, talking to anyone as if they are your friend, laughing, singing, painting, dancing, anything that your lovely child’s brain can conjure up you would try it, and even drag her out of her duty forcefully so you can show her your new talent, and even when she’s busy you would take care your twin brother…yes, it started from him, both of you loved him so much the heavens above would’ve fall under its power, love of a sibling and a mother is a power nobody can face against no matter how strong they are, love is a weapon wielded in the name of others, you hold onto it with all your might and kill whoever tries to take it from you, love can make the kindest people devils cannot be recognize, can make the strongest rulers an insect wishing to be held tenderly, can make the most loving people the most cold blooded, the last one is her, she loved with everything she had even if her face never shown it, her warmth was something you basked in with a blinding smile and starry eyes, loved her kisses on your forehead, her gentle hands healing your knee when you fall trying to impress her, her beautiful voice singing lullabies from a long time ago, all of this she did for you also did it for your brother too, she loved him just as much…do you believe it still ?

He was a kind soul, untouched by this world’s bloodstained terrains, by the vengeful dragons, by hateful monsters, by corrupted souls, she made sure you two wouldn’t be subjected to the world she witnessed, the truth of it she herself couldn’t handle, and just tried to keep a small warm place in the corner of her heart where you two are, her own escape from the cold unforgiving reality you two born in, sometimes she blamed herself for giving birth to two angels in a world full of demons, but she vowed to keep this world bright for only you two, so with your own presence beside her she marched as a ruler that loved everyone equally, especially her two twin stars she was blessed with, but that all changed when that calamity came, when she was forced to witness a nation’s fall, when she witnessed her own lover, your father, die at the hands of the order, and she hates how she cannot remember him, she cannot even remember his face, only through your brother can she do that, and so the scale has been broken.

She hated herself for who she is, an archon, a puppet controlled by those above to do as they please, and so she hated the mirror that is her own child. You, she hated you because you are the exact same copy of her, her hand became harsher when she held your wrist every time you made a mistake, her words became sharper then knives when you behave not according to her own liking, yet you saw how she is with your twin brother, always had that smile that was for you both now only shown for him.

Am I not also your child? Just like him ?

Did you hate your brother? Never, did you wish she could look at you like a mother again? yes, did you hate how she only became a mother when your brother was near? very much.

Did you wish he could disappear? yes.

Did you think that if he would die, she would have no other choice but love you? yes.

How could you ever wished for something so cruel, upon someone that never gave up every time you gave him a cold shoulder, every time you slapped his hand away, he loved you so much to look at all the wounds you inflicted upon him in a moment of rage, went against his mother’s order to see you again, to hug you close when he found you crying, the only warm hands and embrace you had left now is gone, and how did you feel ? wishing all the worst fates to befall him just so you could feel her warm embrace again, you felt horrible, you felt like a monster, you felt…..as if you were her.

You did not want to be like her, you wanted to be better, you promised yourself you would, but it was too late, they took him, and left you in a palace that never heard a genuine laugh, that never saw flowers bloom, that never saw a sunshine of a boy who loved his mother and sibling to the moon and back.

Now here you are, just a shell of ice so fragile that any wind can shatter you to pieces, holding onto a ghost that never had an ounce of hatred against you like you did to him, someone who wanted to make life happy again for you and you closed the door so many times that the knocking stopped one day and you missed that sound, the sound of his comforting words, the flowers he would bring you every time, even going as far as to give you his favourite toy, a snow fox plushie, his favourite animal, they are sometimes similar in behaviour, cute and adorable and always fun to watch running around, pure and innocent.

She was selfish, both of you were, she wanted her lover to come back and you wanted your mother to hold your hand again, so why is she irritated when she hears from one of the palace butlers and maids speak about how you always go to La Signora for advice.

Isn’t she also wise? she lived far longer than that hell spawn witch, so why didn’t you ask her?

She was angry when everytime you train on your swordsmanship you would ask The Knave to train you.

She’s a god, a god who fought wars far worse than anyone could ever imagine, she’s stronger than that filthy cursed woman, why didn’t you want her to help you?

She was shocked when everytime The Marionette invites you to a tea party you would accept with a small smile on your face.

Whenever she’s free from her duties and her plans, and that is a rarity, she would always seek your company in the gardens, her room, anywhere you would prefer, but every single time you would refuse, isn’t she your mother? why do you prefer to spend time with a stranger then your own mother?

The last straw was when she saw you, in the garden sitting on a swing, but you weren’t alone, that naïve childish goddess was with you, your head relaxed against her shoulder while she sings to you.

Were you upset today? She knew there was something that wasn’t alright with you today of all days, more then usual, could it be because today is your brother’s birthday? Most important question is why? why did you seek that coward weak goddess who ran away the moment everything became too much? Why didn’t you come to your mother? Why didn’t you run to her and expressed your sorrows she all know too well?

She decided she had enough, desperate for answers she marched right to your room in hopes that maybe she can fix this, to shove away the snow that is building a mountain between her and you. It started out small, she asked if something is bother you, you denied it and just reasoned that you are tired, she knew instantly that was a lie, she asked you where were you this morning, you told her visiting his grave, that explains the redness of your eyes.

It went on like this, she asks a question and you either mutter a lie or a half a truth and it kept going until you were starting to feel bothered that she is trying to ask about you after years of cold stares and empty words, and she was no better as she was frustrated her child is still not even looking at her when she’s in front of them as if she doesn’t exist, as if her presence is bothersome to them.

Then she muttered the question that instantly caused the fragile snow to become a destructive avalanche, What is wrong with you ? , that caught your attention, you muttered a quiet ‘what?’ to make sure you heard her words correctly and her cold accusing tone clearly, she asked again but different, why have you turned out like this? your eyes widen with shock at her, some nerve for her to ask such a question as if you are a defected machine, as if those years of longing for her warmth and love again wasn’t tearing you apart every day, as if she did not just leave you one day because of the simple reason you look like her, that you remind her of everything she hates.

You told her to leave but she refused and ordered you to answer her, you just chuckled and looked at her with hatred, all that built up suffering she put you through, those sleepless nights, the way she made you hate the sole person who tried to fill a place you so selfishly pushed away and wished his death, that built up anger exploded in a curse at her, she was baffled, she sternly told you to watch your mouth when speaking to her and it all went south.

It escalated into a screaming match between a selfish mother who cannot accept a distance she caused and a child who blames themselves and her for their brother’s demise.

Hurtful words were thrown left and right, mostly from you, you let her know very clearly where she stands in your life, a monster who loathed something you do not have control over, and only loved your brother because he reminds her of your deceased father, she denied everything but she knows well, she does know what she did but she’s blinded by a burning feeling in her chest that you too will go away from her she convinced herself she’s no wrong, you are wrong, you are the child who is acting out of line, why must you act like she left you to the streets ? didn’t she give birth to you ? didn’t she fed you and kept you safe ? everything she’s doing; stealing Gnoses from all the other Archons, spilling blood left and right for your sake. Nobody in teyvat ever knows you exist just so they cannot link her crimes and falsehoods to you and hate you, she’s taking every blame and curse she hears in the dead of night from her people or other Archons’ people, she face the screams of those that fell because of the delusions she helped create and bare the sins and blood on her back for you, she is ready to burn the world and make it new, make it peaceful, less cruel so you can wonder around without getting hurt, without anyone endangering your own life, why can’t you understand she’s doing so much for you, and at the end of the day you call her selfish and a monster ?

And the avalanche happened right after you wished she was never your mother, she snapped and in a bitter tone, loathing, the true face you always knew she had, said the words you were dying to hear but never ready to either.

“I wish you died instead of him.”

Something broke that moment inside you, the fracture line you two were walking on finally fell and there is no going back, all the unspoken words are finally out, and now you two knows exactly where you stand in eachother’s eyes.

“Then kill me.” You said, eyes empty and there’s no will to live within them, the shine is gone, she gasped quietly after everything started to settle, and just rushed out of the room slamming the door behind her, she walked quickly in the hallway, the echo of her words and your voice screaming at her brought her to her knees, she fell to the floor a hand on her mouth as she wept, when was the last time she cried ? at her son’s funeral ? she cannot remember, but this pain will make her remember everyday that she lost her last child, she loved once and was left with a broken heart that remembers everything when her mind cannot, she loved twice and her son was taken from her, she loved thrice and because of her selfishness and grief she caused her child to just hate their own self and hate her in the process and now there’s no going back after what she said, after she said the only truth in a land full of white lies.

She doesn’t remember when she got up and just continued forward, as whatever happened did not bother her in the slightest, now she is truly the embodiment of ice, a cold mountain nobody can shake.

As for you, she left you like a snowy terrain, just completely white with nothing else to see, a snowy desert of harsh cold, flat and unmoving, you’ve been starring at the door for far too long, wishing that maybe she’ll come back and apologize, that she will cry and hug you tight and tell you she was wrong, that everything will be okay, but you know that is wishful thinking, so you simply sat on your chair facing the window and leaned with your head feeling the biting cold of the glass, and just let tears fall.

Since then you shut out yourself even more, never going out of your room, your meals delivered to you by your servants, and since you started hearing what is happening to the Harbingers you just gave up on making any human connection, La Signora’s death by the electro archon, Columbina escape back to Nod-Krai, Capitano and Dottore’s death wasn’t important since you never were close to them, where she formed a thick solid mountain of ice, you hid underneath the snow where nobody can hear you, look at you, and just existed as less as you can be.

After a long day of attending to your duty as a royal you returned to your room at last, tonight was illuminated by the aurora, so you just sat there and watched, basking in the beautiful sight, and then your thoughts came.

What have I done wrong?

Why am I subjected to this fate?

Why is fate so cruel to me?

Why did it take my brother and left me with a mother that wished my death?

If….I died…will I she see me again or just become…another memory in her mind ?