as my online big sister, how do you know youāre in the right relationship
this is a really loaded question and i donāt have all the answers but iāll try my best
what is the right relationship? what does that even mean? hopefully youāre with someone who is kind, patient, and loving. but is that enough? there are other factors like attraction and chemistry that come into play. so letās say youāre with someone who you find attractive, you guys have good chemistry, they make you laugh and feel secure and happy, is that the right thing? most people would agree that yes. but the heart is a fickle thing. and, sometimes, even though it makes sense logically, the heart isnāt in it. and then you spiral and you think thereās something wrong with you and you overthink every little thing until you start to self sabotage and then it really isnāt the right relationship.
i think that we think too much, or at least i do. because i have those thoughts all the time. āam i in the right relationship?ā. āmy partner is amazing and kind and heās a really good guy. but is he the guy?ā. what i do know is that i love him. that i feel loved by him. and we work really well together, he makes me laugh, my family adores him, he treats me like an absolute princess. but, i really struggle with my mental health. and sometimes i think that i should be alone because iām too ill to be in a relationship. i think i donāt deserve someone like that or that heās too good to be true. but these are just thoughts, and just because we think something doesnāt mean itās true. if i were to dwell on the question āis this the right relationship?ā that would mean that iām wondering if thereās someone out there thatās even better. or that iād be better off by myself. itās that grass is always greener mindset. and thatās unfair, to everyone involved. the grass is greener where you water it. and if there is something in your relationship that you feel insecure or unsure about, thatās something to discuss with your partner. if you donāt feel okay enough to talk to them about it then thatās something to evaluate. if their response doesnāt ease you then thatās also something to consider. but if they reassure you, or they change behaviors that bother you and that still doesnāt ease you, maybe see a therapist because it could mean you have something you need to work through. because if the relationship is good, you feel good about it and your partner hasnāt done anything to you that would make you question that, and you start to question yourself then thatās a you thing.
now all that said, iām basing all these thoughts on the premise that the relationship itself is stable and healthy, and your partner isnāt causing you emotional or physical distress. i think if you donāt feel secure in your relationship in the sense of safety and trust, then you definitely arenāt in the right relationship.
of course this is all very nuanced and iām only speaking to my own lived and observed experience but for some of us, i donāt think we ever really know. but we have to choose to believe it because nothing else makes sense. at least thatās how i feel. it wouldnāt make sense for me to be with anyone other than him, and it wouldnāt make sense for me to be by myself. so i choose him, every day. even when iām spiraling and i have doubts, and it feels like the world is on my shoulders, i choose him. because he bears it with me, and thatās love. if itās real love, how could it not be right?