as my online big sister, how do you know you’re in the right relationship
this is a really loaded question and i don’t have all the answers but i’ll try my best
what is the right relationship? what does that even mean? hopefully you’re with someone who is kind, patient, and loving. but is that enough? there are other factors like attraction and chemistry that come into play. so let’s say you’re with someone who you find attractive, you guys have good chemistry, they make you laugh and feel secure and happy, is that the right thing? most people would agree that yes. but the heart is a fickle thing. and, sometimes, even though it makes sense logically, the heart isn’t in it. and then you spiral and you think there’s something wrong with you and you overthink every little thing until you start to self sabotage and then it really isn’t the right relationship.
i think that we think too much, or at least i do. because i have those thoughts all the time. “am i in the right relationship?”. “my partner is amazing and kind and he’s a really good guy. but is he the guy?”. what i do know is that i love him. that i feel loved by him. and we work really well together, he makes me laugh, my family adores him, he treats me like an absolute princess. but, i really struggle with my mental health. and sometimes i think that i should be alone because i’m too ill to be in a relationship. i think i don’t deserve someone like that or that he’s too good to be true. but these are just thoughts, and just because we think something doesn’t mean it’s true. if i were to dwell on the question “is this the right relationship?” that would mean that i’m wondering if there’s someone out there that’s even better. or that i’d be better off by myself. it’s that grass is always greener mindset. and that’s unfair, to everyone involved. the grass is greener where you water it. and if there is something in your relationship that you feel insecure or unsure about, that’s something to discuss with your partner. if you don’t feel okay enough to talk to them about it then that’s something to evaluate. if their response doesn’t ease you then that’s also something to consider. but if they reassure you, or they change behaviors that bother you and that still doesn’t ease you, maybe see a therapist because it could mean you have something you need to work through. because if the relationship is good, you feel good about it and your partner hasn’t done anything to you that would make you question that, and you start to question yourself then that’s a you thing.
now all that said, i’m basing all these thoughts on the premise that the relationship itself is stable and healthy, and your partner isn’t causing you emotional or physical distress. i think if you don’t feel secure in your relationship in the sense of safety and trust, then you definitely aren’t in the right relationship.
of course this is all very nuanced and i’m only speaking to my own lived and observed experience but for some of us, i don’t think we ever really know. but we have to choose to believe it because nothing else makes sense. at least that’s how i feel. it wouldn’t make sense for me to be with anyone other than him, and it wouldn’t make sense for me to be by myself. so i choose him, every day. even when i’m spiraling and i have doubts, and it feels like the world is on my shoulders, i choose him. because he bears it with me, and that’s love. if it’s real love, how could it not be right?