Up All Night

Andrea. 21. My journey to creativity through catharsis

[andrea-upallnight]

https://soundcloud.com/andreaprestonmusic/get-back-2016-acoustic-demo

[andrea-upallnight]

https://soundcloud.com/andreaprestonmusic/dante-2016acoustic-demo

[andrea-upallnight]

THESE VOCAL HARMONIES!

[andrea-upallnight]

New favourite song, so I quickly uploaded a wee cover. Might try and do it again better. 

I love the vocal harmonies in the original. Sadly, the closest I got was back-up singing from my budgie who, by the sounds, liked it too.

But the vocal harmonies thing...that’s something I want to do in my next song.

Playing a gig on Saturday which I’m excited about. Bar the fact that I think I’ve lost the ability to sing...or play guitar. Just rusty I guess. 

Want to write a new song this week. Ideas?

[andrea-upallnight]

A brilliant (but not frequently updated) comic/ blog on depression. It amazes me how the universailty of feeling is often sadness, not a more positive emotion

[andrea-upallnight]

I wanna go back to the start, where everything began.

I wanna watch as I crawl and I walk. See if I can find the rght path again

Yes, over time, just like everything else, I’ve grown out of sync

Yes, it’s been a while since I wanted to talk about anything in particular

Sometimes I swear I still see darkness

I hear my very bones stiffen over time

And although I don’t live in fear, why am I still always trying to hide?

Yes, over time, just like everything else, I’ve grown out of sync

Yes, it’s been a while since I wanted to be anything

But it’s been long enough to decide if this life is mine to define

(I need release from my own mind)

I’m not sad, I’m just not happy, paranoid thoughts come flying in at 3am

(I need release from my own mind)

Knowing I could be someone better if I had the courage to try

(I need release from my own mind)

So I’ll wait for the moment when I can be perfect again

(I need release from my own mind)

Lost myself out on the balance

So fragile and ready to tip either side

And in the endless silence

I see days and weeks slowly pass me by

Yes, I’ve been told to live how I want

And hey, isn’t that the dream?

But mine are plagued in guilt and plans to escape

And I’ve never been the same

But it’s been long enough to decide if this life is mine to define

(I need release from my own mind)

I’m not sad, I’m just not happy, paranoid thoughts come flying in at 3am

(I need release from my own mind)

Knowing I could be someone better if I had the courage to try

(I need release from my own mind)

So I’ll wait for the moment when I can be perfect again

(I need release from my own mind)

I wanna go back to the start, where everything began.

I wanna watch as I crawl and I walk. See if I can find the rght path again

Yes, over time, just like everything else, I’ve grown out of sync

Yes, it’s been a while since I wanted to talk about anything in particular

[andrea-upallnight]

I wanna go back to the start

This has been an experience.

While I’ve spoken a lot about songwritng as a cathartic process, this cultivation project has been cathartic in it’s own right.

In the past 18 months I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety from a doctor, I quit my job, got dumped, had my band leave me, almost fail out of uni and every month has been an up or down or in between. Sometimes I do feel like I’m crazy. But I am strong. And more importantly I can use these experiences in my life in my music.

The past 4 years at university I was taught the academic, theoretical skills I needed to write popular music. Even though I’d dare say I have seen a lot of development and improvement over the past ten years, what I write about, the reasons I write have always remained the same.

For me, especially this past year, getting back to my roots of writing and performing myself has been my highlight. In this completely mad world, being on a silent stage and filling the space with my own music gives me some of my greatest moments of peace and happiness.

Performing from the heart to a bunch of strangers gives me that feeling that my life has meaning and that all of these experiences have made me stronger. I like to think that’s what I project to an audience. I get an adrenaline rush sharing these intimate moments at a live gig. It’s something I hope I keep in my (hopefully) long and prosperous music career.

My first new, completed song from this project- written in the midst of my insomnia- is called Back to the Start and really epitomises my goals for myself for the next chapter of my life. I want to go back to the origins of what makes me happy and I want to go back to my origins of songwriting as a cathartic process to purge my emotions at this current time and to produce creative work again that I’m proud of. 

I’m not cured, but I think I’m on the right track again.

[andrea-upallnight]

21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression

For those who have suffered, are suffering, or simply want to learn more.

[andrea-upallnight]

Lithium (Nirvana cover) 2011

“I’m so ugly, but that’s ok cause so are you. We broke our mirrors”

[andrea-upallnight]

Saturday 23rd July 2011

I don’t really have a problem to deal with per se. I’m just down. I’ve felt like this-ups and downs, highs and lows- for...a few months maybe? I really don’t want to use the ‘D’ word, you know. It scares me. It scares me like the day after my 17th birthday this year. All that built up emotion and tears. A part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago, yet at the same time there’s an acute awareness- a familiarity with how I’m feeling right now. I don’t know...

It annoys me that all my other friends just assume I’m so fucking confident...I don’t think anyone has ever or will ever understand how little I think of myself. I’m fat, unfashionable, I probably will never make it as a singer. I’m just not good enough. not for relationships, not for friendships.

Just once I’d like to be understood, comforted, reassured. I feel mentally drained after a conversation with my friends. All my energy is soaked into making sure they’re ok. And yet, amongst all of this, I still feel like I’m not that great a friend either, like I’m not pleasing people enough.

I’m truly fucked up right now.

[andrea-upallnight]

I'm looking back on the year gone by And I remember every time I cried Because those moments stand out in memory. Before I go and start again I've made a promise to myself Next year I'll be more perfect.

unused lyrics, 2011

[andrea-upallnight]

As a teenager, I also used my songs to comfort myself. In one of those times of need, I wrote ‘Something for the Road’ a kind of song to myself to keep my chin up and keep going.

This recording is the original, youthful 15 year old version, though it’s definitely not the best quality.

Sometimes it seems to take forever waiting for the sun

Hoping it’ll break through storm clouds

And it’s hard keeping things optimistic

But you’ve got to believe something good will happen somehow.

Something to make you feel warm inside

A little something so that grin won’t hide

Something that could be so worthwhile

So keep the faith and in the meantime

Smile through all the bursts of thunder

WHen you feel the waves pulling you under

Smile, as if the light has already come

Smile through all the bittersweetness

Don’t worry about it now, just leave it

And smile when you know your summer’s gone

Sometimes you feel so lost, can’t find anyone

The labyrinth traps you in a daze

I’m searching far and wide for you dear

Can’t seem to escape this maze

But you’ve got to hold on and understand

Look into my eyes, take my head

When you’re drowning in all of life’s demands

I’ve got your shelter here, your safety island, just

Smile through all the bursts of thunder

WHen you feel the waves pulling you under

Smile, as if the light has already come

Smile through all the bittersweetness

Don’t worry about it now, just leave it

And smile when you know your summer’s gone

I know it seems you can’t get rid of those tears

When they keep you turning through the night

I know it’s hard from a hypocrite

But trust me and you just might

Smile through the storm, wind and rain

And find it all relieves the pain

Just sing along with me again and again

And I’ll put your broken heart to mend

Smile through all the bursts of thunder

When you feel the waves pulling you under

Smile, as if the light has already come

Smile through all the bittersweetness

Don’t worry about it now, just leave it

And smile when you know your summer’s gone

[andrea-upallnight]

New Song: Citalopram

Still been working on new material, inspired by the blog and how all of this ‘songwriting as a cathartic process’ works in my life right now. I was thinking about this substance use thing, and I know I’ve tried a few. One of the worst ones are the ones that I’ve been prescribed for the last 18 months. So I decided to get the pen out one morning this week when I hadn’t slept all night.

Been up all night

What do I expect?

And yet another day wasted in bed

Have you taken your medication yet?

Have you taken your medication yet?

I’ve been thinking all night

I’ve been awake wondering when do I begin

When do I feel normal again?

Have you taken your medication yet?

Have you taken your medication yet?

What do you do when your mind splits in two?

Neither side co-operates

And I’m just stuck in the middle going crazy

Could you guess?

Have you taken your medication yet?

Have you taken your medication yet?

I’m trying to pull through

But this quicksand is catching me

Don’t want to have to swallow forever to be free.

I just want a little normalcy

Even though I don’t know what that means

Have you taken your medication yet?

Have you taken your medication yet?

[andrea-upallnight]

You’re my nicotine

One of my favourite films is the film ‘Thirteen’ (2003). 

I can’t, for the life of me, remember how I even found this film but, like ‘Hurt’ was a creative entity that completely spoke to me in terms of what I was going through.

Based loosely on the experiences of the writer as a 12/13 year old, the film showed (what appeared to be) an innocent honour role student who, soon after falling in with the wrong girl, started to explore all sorts of adult exploits such as substance abuse, alcohol abuse, experimental sexual behaviour, all at the cost of her mental health. What struck me most was not the above, but that when the main character was shown on her own, she was clearly having many of her own problems. The film depicted the protagonist sneaking away from her mum to smoke and self harm well before her involvement with her new friends.

As a bonus, the soundtrack was brilliant, with my personal favourite being a song called ‘Nicotine’ by Anet.

The film ended with the protagonist alone and screaming on a children’s roundabout contemplating where she will go from there.

There was a lot of crossover with events in my own life since becoming depressed and seeing this film comforted me in knowing that how I felt wasn’t wrong.

[andrea-upallnight]

I remember everything

About this time, one song in particular that I found online was Nine Inch Nails “Hurt”.

In the years since, I’ve become aware of the increasingly more popular Johnny Cash cover, to the point where a lot of people forget he didn’t write the song.

Still, after all these years, I far prefer the former version over the latter. To this day I can remember hearing Trent Reznor’s voice scrape over the sparse guitar, sending chills down my spine. I thought to myself “Man! He really does know about hurting.” 

The fragmented pace, the jagged whispers of vocals and Reznor’s almost pleading tone that spoke of loneliness and self loathing. It was exactly what I was looking for in a song. I would sit in my room sometimes and listen to it and start to cry, this visceral emotional purging and “Hurt” was the anthem.

[andrea-upallnight]

Do you notice the stains on my sleeve?

I became a self harmer. And no one knew. I’d roll up my sleeves in class and scratch the skin until I wasn’t sad or angry anymore. Needless to say, I’m not proud of this moment in my life. I remember for a period always getting in trouble for wearing wristbands in PE. My friends just thought it was my ‘mosher’ phase. 

When I began to realise that I needed something to replace the harming, m underage mind turned to cigarettes, an easy way to occupy my hands. Late at night, I would blow smoke out the window wishing I could drift away with it.

One night, I wrote this little monologue piece, titled ‘Nicotine’

“I draw and I can feel it slowly take power over me. I feel the rhythmic swaying wash slowly over my body, my mind. The sky’s looked the same for about 3 hours now. I look over at the clock- 4:33am. As the joyous drug takes its toll, for the first time in a year, I look up at the mirror, bewildered by what I see. Hunched over that little stick of death, windows open and no one’s home, makeshift ashtray on the windowsill while a numbing feeling caresses my insides. Is this what I’ve become?

It’s cold as hell yet I can hardly feel a thing. All that preoccupies my mind is making this last. This one moment in time I think I have control of. This one moment in time where everything is still, all is calm and my worries have been diluted in this pleasure I hold in my hand. Gusts of wind from that dreaded outside world only come to remind me of those sweet intakes of breath I treasure in this little room. If I could I would marry this feeling, just so I could gladly get away from it all. All those noises, all those touches, all those words that cut me open from the inside out. All the dreams and aspirations that have fallen like the autumn leaves. Here and now is the only release. And by tomorrow morning, I’ll get up again and start another day; smiling and laughing and just playing along. Just waiting for another night to come by. Another darkness to fold myself in, where I can hide in the casting shadows, in the black serenity.

So here I am again my sweet little friend. My delicious freedom that comes by the twenty. The one I should hate, but have found myself to love...for all eternity.

The feeling is fading, and I am thrust into the bright again, where I am seen but never heard. That sensation that cuts like razor but smoothes like silk, over the sensitive veins has gone now. And all that is left is that familiar empty shell that I call an excuse of my former self. My horrific orgasmic little friend has pushed me off the pedestal again. Yet the world will go on, but will I too? With the yearning and the greed that consumes me now? For the darkness that I once concealed as my lover, has gone and betrayed me with nightmares. Before I could realise I see that I am plagued. Forever doomed to the temptation.

The wind whips my skin and the rain cleanses me. The first breath of new purity rushes to meet my lungs. For once I feel alive. Too bad it’s now the end.”

[andrea-upallnight]

Starting 4th year English, I was introduced to The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

The way the book describes how Jekyll felt he had lost control of himself over Hyde and that his Doctor persona was becoming no more than a shell of his former self, I knew exactly how he felt. Inspired by some of Stevenson’s interesting wordings, I wrote ‘Pins and Needles’

Don’t want to feel, don’t want to touch.

Don’t want to see, it’s all too much.

Just want to feel this unfeeling.

Just want to be.

Don’t want to hear, don’t want to cry

Can’t even sleep with this hole inside

But it’s the closest I’ve got to me.

I’ll welcome the pins and needles.

Pray that numbness comes over my mind

Stay in my head, real thoughts rejected.

Alone and dead, I don’t mind.

I won’t feel those fires of anger burn from within

Banish all those demons that make me give in

Even though now I’m a city of refuge to hide in.

In this battle of myself and I it’s the only card I hold to win.

People say wait, patience eases the pain

I just need release from the cage that I’ve closed again.

Creature eaten up, emptied by fever.

Self inflicted, unstoppable weakness

Lock myself away in darkness

I could just let go if I was a believer

I’ll welcome the pins and needles.

Pray that numbness comes over my mind

Stay in my head, real thoughts rejected.

Alone and dead, I don’t mind.

I won’t feel those fires of anger burn from within

Banish all those demons that make me give in

Even though now I’m a city of refuge to hide in.

In this battle of myself and I it’s the only card I hold to win.