Angela Lee @angelasjlee - Tumblr Blog

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Questions on the last 30 days of a 31 year old before 32

April 1

1. Has my familiarity blinded me from the reality? Truth of the gospel?

2. What does it look like to inherit your salvation?

April 2

3. 40 years later.. will any of this even matter?

4. What kind of world will I be in? Who will be with me?

5. How much of God do I see based on how I think he sees me?

6. Beauty draws in the lost?

7. What kind of art are you making from the life you are living?

April 3

8. Why are birds so Fing loud at 5am??

9. If we embrace our imperfections will your love really do the rest?

10. Process > Product/Place?

11. > the situation = > the presence?

12. What was the history of this rock before I found it?

13. Why does the river sound the same when there is so much going on?

14. Why is the forest so silent when there is so much growth?

15. What would it be like to see and name something for the first time? (like Adam did)

April 5

16. What does pursuing redemption look like?

April 6

17. Why did the peace I find in my dream cause so much unrest in my waking?

18. What fascinates me?

19. What is the legacy I want to leave the next generation?

20. Are you making a way even before I get there?

21. Are you with me growing alongside?

22. What will I be like in my 40s?

April 7

23. What would be a prefect morning?

April 9

24. When will I...?

25. When did I become ok?

April 10

26. Am I marked?

27. How long...?

April 11

28. How can I ___ again?

29. What if it is my fault?

30. What if there are irreversible consequences?

31. Actions. What's going on?

32. Feelings. What are you thinking/feeling in the moment? How am I interpreting things?

33. Response. How did I respond in the situation. What action did you choose?

34. Objective. Why did I respond that way?

35. Seeds. Good fruit/thorns

36. React or repond?

37. When do I feel angry, frustrated, hurt?

38. Can't we just pretend it doesn't affect me anymore?

39. If I am healed why does it still hurt?

April 12

40. Is my dream trying to tell me something?

41. How do you cultivate wonder? Daily?

42. Instead on focusing on the why, see the one who can?

43. IS IT REAL?

44. Do I really want to go? Semi-cold feet?

April 13

45. Nothing of worth comes without a little dirt?

46. Preparation time now? Get ready?

April 14

47. A little awkward but found my moment?

48. What happens as we pass and interact?

49. What happens when our trajectory changes?

50. Can we find eternity in those moments?

51. There doesn't always have to be a storyline? It just is? Is art?

52. Stars are ethereal but every second counts. Can I live as passionately as those dancers?

53. Fear of disappoint as self protecting mechanism?

April 15

54. Have you ever heard a part of someone's story and it changed the way you saw the person?

55. Learned something about yourself through them?

56. But what is He doing?

57. What does it look like to embrace our weaknessess?

58. Will I be a Barnabas for someone someday?

59. Are you ready to let Him do it?

April 16

60. To form a ministry team?

61. Why I should?

62. Why I shouldn't?

63. What kind of animal are you?

64. I know what it's like to be a nice chrstan girl but teach me what it looks like to be a Gdly woman

65. Letting the pains of yesterday prohibit the possibilities of tomorrow?

66. Are you using this situation to change my system?

April 17

67. Will I be able to have my son?

April 20

68. Did I cause this aching?

69. Do I believe you are better than this. Do I believe you are good?

70. All this pain. All this grace. Wasn't it so much better. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing?

71. It's gonna be worth it, gonna be worth it one day?

72. What gives your life its tragedy and its glory?

73. How do these things affect your art and your faith?

April 22

74. Are you making a dent in the universe?

75. No matter what it is, if I see it to the end, will there be a good ending?

76. LIght and dark, what if they coexist while being separate?

77. When it rains why does it pour?

April 23

78. HOW

April 24

79. Caught in the tension of risk and resistance, will I break through?

80. Will the world still be the same when my time is up?

81. If I had a studio what would I name it?

April 25

82. Can I carry fire close to my chest and clothes without being burned?

83. What am I a slave to?

84. Do you really believe this?

85. What does it look like to be completely set free with all the ping pong balls out?

86. Taught vs actually hold true to me?

87. What would you tell someone that was in my situation?

88. Your purpose holds greater value than your baggages?

89. Was that the first time I showed that much emotion to a group of people?

April 27

90. What is the truest statement about yourself today?

91. If He did everything I wanted Him to do, would my pride devour me?

92. Will there be a day I will be able to say, I'm glad it happened?

April 29

93. River Dawn and Forest Dusk will we meet soon?

94. Where do I fit in your work in the world/

95. How do I know it's the next right thing?

April 30

96. Is 32 just another version of 22 just 10 years later?

97. If I put all the broken pieces together will something more beautiful form if it had never been broken at all?

98. Have you given me grace for this?

99. Where can't I see your glry?

May 1

100. Art as evanglism?

101. What if being stretched doesn't ever end? A life of elasticity?

102. Where have I said I choose you but it was really for myself?

103. What do I hold valuable? (the things I don't want others to know/afraid to admit even to myself)

104. Which dead caves am I still visiting?

105. Could I be the one who dreams wildly, lives differently, loves recklessly, and leads courageously not for myself but for Him?

106. John 8:9 What did you write on the ground?

107. Luke 8:40-56 Can my fath make me well? Can I go in peace?

108. Luke 8:40-56 What parts of my life are not dead but asleep, I just need you to come wake me up?

109. Am I the bucket for you to draw the water in?

110. What areas of my life do you you need to come and expose so there's no longer shame but confidence to tell others of the freedom received?

111. What sacrifice have I made (if ever) that looked crazy in the eyes of others?

7:50pm I'd watch the shadows cast from the leaves, shimmering between light and shadow. By 830 there weren't there anymore. Ephemerality - visible urgency measuring of passing time but, consoling knowing whatever it may be, it'll blend out.

#art

There must be more to this provincial life.

A side though from reminding myself during this time of waiting and solitude, asking God how to receive love and love in return - Beauty and the Beast came to mind.

To Love in the impossible through the unseen

“If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?” from the opening narration mixed with the song when Belle and Beast acknowledge their feeling for one another: New and a bit alarming Who'd have ever thought that this could be?True that he's no Prince Charming But there's something in him that I simply didn't see

Hope against hope in rediscovering identity

And then there are the other characters, Lumiere (candlestick), Cogsworth (clock), Mrs. Potts (tea pot), Chip (tea cup) because they did not forget who they were before the spell they were able to find a way to come back to their true original form. Even though they were in the middle of the dark forest in isolation from the world.

Desire for the more

And Belle - She could have easily settled with a normal life with Gaston her solo song sums up who she is: Is he gone? Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him. Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless..."Madame Gaston!"Can't you just see it?"Madame Gaston!"His "little wife"No sir! Not me! I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned

#Beauty and the Beast

2001 July Letter to myself

2 weeks left in Chengdu, as people ask me what I'll do what when I go back or if my time here was what I expected. It takes a moment for me to try to process. Coming to Chengdu I didn’t have expectations… for no other reason than I simply did not know. I saw myself just crossing over the line from which I knew, over to the darkness of where I did not. (darkness – like the darkness in Genesis 1:1 when there was nothing and everything at the same time)

Going back to America, it’s like I’m coming out of that darkness, at the end of my path with some dirt and scars, I didn’t know which turn or steps lead to where, and because of that I got a little lost and fell down a few times. There are some who take the steps after measuring which ones will prevent falls. But because of this, the reality of grace in who I am, and what I thought I came here to do, into what I actually did here. Seriously grace of Gd.

The remaining weeks I’m finishing up my English classes at Sichuan University and Sichuan Normal University. There is no final exam but I have asked them to write homework about something they used to believe as a child but don’t anymore. Scheduled time individually with each student, so I could “check their grammar.” Most wrote about ghosts, spirits, superpowers or of an ancient Chinese tales I’ve never heard of before. It allows me to listen and understand where they come from spiritually and giving me a chance to share as well. I usually start with, “When I was young I used to believe in monsters that would tickle my toes and night if the sheets were fully covered, but as I grew older I found someone who made all my monster leave..” Through these simple sharing there have been a couple students interested in J and the Bble. One has asked to meet up more to write her thesis about the Bble. But with the last 2 weeks I have left here I just want to keep sharing about the goodness and reality of Gd.

Coming to China it felt like crossing over a line but ironically it’s as if I’m crossing that same line when going “home.” But I am excited to see familiar faces and family just in time for Christmas.

2 months left

A year ago before I came to Chengdu I shared about surrender before leaving Remnant:

Gd’s been challenging me to think of my life in terms of what I’ve actually given up and what I’m gaining. Surrender is more than just letting go and backing down. I’m learning the process of asking Gd the right question and asking in confidence that He will answer. What if surrender is just an exchange of victory over defeat? And what if that victory has always been there, and I just didn’t see it?

I know that this upcoming year is a gift from Gd. It’s an opportunity to step into who I am in Chrst, receive revelation of what He’s doing and only from that place faithfully serve. I’ll be leaving this Friday. It still feels surreal, but I’m covered in peace. And the unknown which was once my barrier, is now freedom to embrace the exchange of confident fearless victory knowing that Gd is in control.

Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer, and give up your sins— even those you do in secret. Then you won’t be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless.

Job 11:13-15

My thoughts of last year couldn’t summarize my past year in Chengdu more concisely. With 2 months left, wanted to update you all on some new projects I’ve been given:

Meeting with a professor from Sichuan University who has gathered some undergrads to learn English, hoping this will be an opportunity to outreach

Teaching a second semester of English at Sichuan Normal University, asking for the fruits to ripen again

Having a community blssing/Advertising in our apartment community here at to potentially teach art/English at RCC too

There’s so much going on right now, but my first and most important pryer request I would never be too busy doing that I “can’t find time” to devote my heart first.

(And have some fun along the way, sending a video we danced to promote our English class at Sichuan Normal University with Backstreet Boys, As Long As You Love Me)

Fruits (at 三圣花乡)

满天星 as far as the eye can see star (at 成都九眼橋)

April, 4 2016

6 month mark update, looking back at my time in Chengdu I’ve been making a record of how Gd has challenged me to keep close to him in any new/changing surrounding. There were many times I should have gone to Him first but have seen the reality of my weak sprt. But apart from however I am lacking, He does not stop reminding me of how she sees me. Regardless of my feelings or lack of character at a given moment. He picks me up washes the dirt off my feet and sets me out to keep going. Though I’m half way through, my roles and responsibilities are still changing.

Grace will be teaching an English class this semester for 8 weeks at Sichuan Normal University. Dan and I will be helping her as teaching assistants. We have 120 people registered for the class and hoping this will be our main source of outreach. It feels like we’re starting a fresh in our outreach plan. Last year, we tried many different ways through culture events, and Friday Bble studies. We meet many people but was challenging to build lasting relationships. Our main focus this semester will be meeting the needs of the students for learning English and through this time, every week it will give us the opportunity to gain trust and have personal relationships.If you could pray that G would prepare us to serve and the students to feel the father’s love as we get to know them.

Grace and I have also started inner healing ministry, another area I feel like I’ve been placed in and have no experience. But I do know the joy and freedom gained from letting go and letting God. Karen,Terri, George will be coming next week to visit, and we’re planning to have some sessions with the sisters and brothers at RCC with them. If you could pray for open hearts of vulnerability before G. Also as our short-short term team (Karen, Terri, George, and our psters) spend the week with RCC, that there would be a exchange of blssings between the families of New York City and Chengdu as we come together.

PB and P. Paul will also we coming next Wednesday to speak at RCC and for Baptism Sunday (4/24). We have about 8 people who are getting baptized this time. This is a big decision for all of them and I know some are of them are really nervous while they are writing their essays about why they want to be baptized. Please pray for peace of God’s presence to cover over them while they are preparing their hearts and words.

As for me, pryers of strength as I pass the half way point and keep moving forward even though most of the time I feel that I don't know where exactly. But when J walked on water. John 6:20 it says, " It is I; do not be afraid." Then they [the disciples] were glad to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land to which they were going."

Thank you everyone for your continual support.

Bble Verse Romans 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of Gd, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Teaching Greek: μεταμορφόω metamorphóō

metá "change after being with” morphóō "changing form in keeping with inner reality”

root of the English terms "metamorphosis" and “metamorphize”

The process of transformation butterfly- egg, pupa, cocoon, butterfly

It was created to become a butterfly though it may not look like it different seasons.

Just have to keep maturing from the inside out.

Since I’ve been in China I’ve that Ive been in the process metamorphosis. In America, I was the caterpillar with no expectations of being in China, but Gd has his ways of completing what he has started (Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love Gd all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.) Since leaving America, I’ve entered the next stage of being in a cocoon. For caterpillars on earth this season can be as short as 7 days while others can last for up to a year. Here in my own cocoon, It’s as if Romans 12:2 can come to life, as season of waiting while renewing, testing and discerning continues. Before I understood this verse as a concept as words to follow and understand but now I see it right before my eyes and has taken a whole new meaning.

Living this life of transformation, I know Gd’s promises what is good, acceptable and perfect, but to be honest the process has still been hard. I didn’t know being transformed could be so long and confusing. I ask questions, doubt and make mistakes. But I remember Gd’s truth over me, I was created by him for this. If at the moment things don’t look good, I remind myself over and over again, that because I’m not at the end yet. Yes, some days all I can hold onto is the simple gspl, that I love Gd, and He loves me. Because of this I go to the next step to know, He promises that anyone who loves him everything will work out for good one way or other. After this step I take another and another no matter how small it make look in my eyes, Gd is always waiting with open arms. No matter how long I take, maybe even turn away at times. Even still he waits all the while knowing I will emerge as a butterfly.

I share this story not just to share what Gd is doing in my life but as a word of hope for you all too. I want you to know that wherever you feel that you are with Gd, it’s not the end yet. There is so much more He has yet to do in your life. Gd has given all of you testimonies of his transforming goodness, it is the reason we all gather here to wrshp. But set you eyes to the heavens, there is so much much more and remember you and I were made for this.

2 Corinthians 3:18 - And we all, with unveiled face,beholding the glry of the Lrd, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glry to another. For this comes from the Lrd who is the Sprt

February 1, 2016

The students are on winter break until mid-February and Chinese New Year is the 8th of this month. Campus outreach and has been paused, I've been doing a lot of traveling and going to students meeting them at their home town. I've been to Dali, Lijiang, Luzhou, Zhong Jiang, and today will go to Yibin. Also Dan and I will be going to Shanghai on the 20th to meet with the under ground chrch for a week of training, and the next week to follow along side to their mssns site (where I don't know). Grace doesn't know the details either but I am told it'll be a great adventure. If you could pry for my time during the 2 week short term trip with the underground chrch and also that Gd would help me put together the pieces of all He has shown me this month from traveling. I'm sending a clip of this Sunday's service as part of my update too. Grace is in California now to celebrate Southland's 15 year? anniversary and I was asked to speak on Sunday. I shared about Romans 12:2 (Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of Gd, what is good and acceptable and perfect.) Specifically on the word transformed and what this process has been like personally. As always thank you for reading/listening, know that I cherish all your words and pryers from afar.

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My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

December 11, Chengdu

It's hard to tell Christmas is coming here in Chengdu but we've busy cultivating the same heart here. My roles have been changing/evolving at RCC too. Looking back, when I first arrived, was more focused on outreach but after a month Grace asked me to redirect my time internally for the sisters at RCC, and just this week with a recent meet up with Grace, another change. I've been asked to reroute my attention from the RCC sisters small group to reaching out to the newcomers/seekers. I'm not sure what this will look like, with each varying relationship, just hoping to follow wherever it lead. Gd has been asking me to re-examine, how I've built upon my understanding of mnstry, of how small group and overall mnstry looks like. I knew coming here would not be the same as New York but as more time passes, He's been asking me to let go of what I once knew, especially now placing me in unfamiliar mnstry roles. All the while asking myself questions... I know I can present the gospel in the way I was taught/know how.. but is there another way I'm not seeing? Is it possible to see you move without words, and somehow follow his lead.

I think sometimes Gd knows what you desire even before you have words for it. Before this conversation with Grace, been trying to understand these vague impressions through the details of daily life. As I was sitting on the bus looking out the window this week, it was raining. When I focused on the water collected on the window, I would loose sight of the background but when I tried to focus on the background... the water drops would be out of focus. It started as a silly thought, asking God if there could be a way I could operate in both places, not loosing sight of one or the other, and could it be possible both could be clearly seen? Wherever I am, whatever I may be or doing, I want to see. To see only because it's exactly what Gd is asking me to open my eyes and heart to not because it's what I am personally drawn to. It's funny how Gd answers pryers in a way that breaks the boxes you didn't know you had.. and never knew it could be so freeing to be wrong.

Closing out with a couple lines from Amanda Cook's song: "I will trust here in the mysteryI will trust in you completely. Awake my soul. You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment. And I will wrship"

If you'd like to interceed, please pry: -for those we've been reaching out to would come to our Christmas event to hear the power of the simple gospel and be filled with life-wherever I find myself in this new place of mnstry I would be ready and to respond with feet like Martha and a heart of Mary-starting prophetic prayer trainings before service, first meeting this Sunday, that it would be a time of receiving life and revelation from Gd, however it may come

When words get in the way, there are pictures:

Christmas tree decorating and card making last Saturday

Thanksgiving dinner

Autumn (sister at RCC) bridal shower and wedding

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Angela Lee