Genre: romance, slight angst, pregnancy, marriedlife
Inspiration: Heavy by Anne- Marie
When did it get so heavy?
This love that's in between us
It never used to feel this heavy
Can't get up off the ground
"Oppa?" Your eyes were adapting to the darkness of your husband's mini studio when you slowly entered the space that was once a storage room. You made him dinner and wanted to watch a movie with him since it was friday. The LED light illuminated his figure, his eyes were focused on the screen of the monitor as his fingers moved rather fast on the keyboard. He had headphones on so he couldn't hear your entrance nor see you since he was back facing the door.
"You startled me!" His body jerked when you suddenly rested your chin on his shoulder but he calmed down when he saw it was you. He moved one of the headphones off his ear, "what's up?"
"Did you just 'what's up' me? Come with me, I made your favourite soup."
"Later. Are you hungry?" He patted your cheek without looking back. "Eat first. I'll make sure to eat it later before I go to sleep."
"Ah, come on. Singin In The Rain is playing now. Let's have dinner while watching the movie." You whined cutely to his ear, pouting when he paid you no attention.
"We've watched that like hundreds times! Sorry, baby. I really have to finish this song tonight or I am gonna forget the melody that's playing in my head."
"Alright, fine." You surrendered. There was no use to force your workaholic husband to get his ass out of the chair when he was inspired. "Don't stay up too late and remember to eat the soup before you go to sleep, okay?"
"Thank you, baby." He turned to face you and gave you a quick peck on the lips that made your heart flutter like a teenager in love.
The next morning, you woke up alone on the bed. Yongguk was nowhere in sight and his side of his bed was untouched. Yawning, you left the bedroom to see if he was in the living room because sometimes he did not go into bed to not bother you since you were a light sleeper. The man was nowhere in sight. He must be in his mini studio.
You proceeded to the kitchen just to see there were no plates in the sinks. Nothing at all. You went to open the pot and your gut feelings were right. Not only Yongguk didn't sleep, he also didn't have his dinner. You could understand when he didn't get to pay you much attention since he was the type that needed his me-time a lot to recharge but it really irked you when he started to neglect his own health.
Minutes later, you entered the mini studio with a tray that filled with a bowl of steaming chicken soup, a bowl of rice, cutleries and a glass of plain water. He was still at the same spot like yesterday, bobbing his head to the music he was listening through the headphones. You were about to place the tray on the table near the monitor when you tripped on tangled wires of different amplifiers and equipment on the floor. You lost your balance and dropped the tray on the table with a loud clash and equally loud gasp from your mouth. Unsuspecting Yongguk who didn't notice you was there jumped out his chair and watched as the food and water splashed and soaked his notebook and keyboard in horror.
"Baby!" He gaped at you in shock, pulling the headphones off his ears. The confusion in his eyes slowly disappeared and was replaced by anger. You were still shocked and you had your hands on your chest, head going blank. You didn't know what to do. "What have you done? Oh my God!" Yongguk lifted his soaked notebook with rice stuck on it.
"Op-oppa, I didn't mean—"
"I said LATER. I WILL EAT THE DAMNED SOUP LATER! NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
"Maybe we can use the hair dryer—"
"THE INK SMUDGED SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN READ IT ANYMORE!"
"Stop yelling, oppa." You didn't want him to keep screaming at you. You were hurt because he rarely, almost never got that mad at you. "I am sorry."
Yongguk opened his mouth but changed his mind and heaved a sigh. "I've spent so many hours writing the lyrics. Thanks to you I have to do it all over again. Thank you, babe. Now leave me alone. I have a lot of things to do."
"I said leave me alone!" He stopped you from picking up the broken glass on the floor. "I will do it. Just leave me alone. Please."
"I am sorry, Yongguk. I will make you breakfast and —" he didn't let you finish your sentence. Instead, he pulled your hand toward the door and pushed you out and closed it. His action was not physically rough at all but his attitude stung. You blinked your eyes a few times to prevent the tears from flowing down.
"Oppa…" You lifted your bum from the couch in the living room when he finally left his workspace. "Let's have lunch."
Around fifteen minutes later, he appeared with a pair of fresh new clothes and unruly moist hair. He pulled the chair and had a seat, eyes watching you serve the lunch. You warily looked at him, worried that he was still mad at you. However, it seemed like the shower he took washed away some of his fatigueness and anger.
"Just forget it. I think I will become angrier if we talk about it." He took a sip of water with a serious face.
"Alright." You decided not to push it since it was fully your fault so he had the right to be mad at you.
"But seriously, baby. Don't barge in when I am working in the studio. I would love to have my own space to focus on work, and some respect for my working hour."
You didn't take that very well. "Yongguk, I already give you your own space. And I respect you and your passion for your work. I am just worried, okay. You haven't slept and eaten properly, I have to check on you." You explained truthfully.
"It's fine. You know I am not a big eater. I would live."
"It's not fine. Did you have a look at yourself? You're losing weight. You should stop being so engrossed with work and take care of yourself."
"I'm eating, am I not?" He pointed his chopstick at his food.
"Only once a day, and if I ask you to. But most of the time, you won't even eat if I tell you to. What about sleeping?"
"Stop nagging. You are making my head hurt."
"That's why you have to sleep." Your heart ached when you looked at the dark circle under his tired eyes.
"I will sleep after this." He was tired of arguing.
"What about me? You work from evening until the dusk and then sleep until dawn."
"What do you mean? I am home all the time and we have lunch like this almost everyday. What do you actually want?"
"Spend more time with me. Not like this, not on our bed."
"Is this what it's all about? You're not concerned about me, you just want attention."
"Oppa, I do want attention from you but I also do care about you. Can you take a break from work?"
"I thought you understood. I'm the happiest when I make music but you want to take it away from me." Yongguk left the dining table with a dejected face, his food unfinished.
"Oppa, I am not taking it away…" You rubbed your face and exhaled loudly. He was being oversensitive about his work again. The first time he was like this was when your parents asked him to find a stable job with a fixed wage before he got married to you.
It hit you. The truth that he was the happiest when he made music. Not when he was with you. You were not his source of happiness.
Days passed by with both of you not talking to each other, no longer eating lunch together and when you saw him sleeping, it was always on the couch. He only entered the bedroom to take a shower. You frequently went out to see your friends instead of being at home and seeth in anger because Yongguk took none of your advice seriously.
It was to the point that you also lost weight out of stress and your health was deteriorating. You were feeling feverish that day so you slept in, only woke up at three in the evening. You heard a rustling sound from the kitchen, Yongguk must be making his favourite ramyeon since you didn't make lunch.
You made the bed, took a warm shower and decided to go to the nearest hospital by train.
You just wanted it to end. You had been vomiting non-stop, you could not even drink plain water without the urge to throw up the next second. You had been asking around if your friends or family could lend you money. Sadly, they couldn't give you any unless you tell them what the money was for.
You didn't have much time. You needed money for abortion before it would be too harmful to be done. Yes, you were pregnant and you were scared because you were not prepared. You couldn't imagine how your husband would react if he found out. He loved kids and he told you he wanted to have kids with you but not at the moment. There's a lot of things he wanted to achieve first before have any additions to the family. He would be furious and accuse you of sabotaging his career again. You wouldn't want that.
So you sold your necklace, the one he gifted you on the day he confessed to you. He was your friend of many years before he was your boyfriend and then husband.
Since he hadn't talked to you for so long, you were startled when he stood next to you in the kitchen while chugging on a bottle of cold water. You moved away from the sink, dragging the chopping board with you since you thought he was going to wash his hands.
"Where's your necklace?" was his first question. You were shocked because he noticed it so soon. You thought he was not paying you any attention. You didn't answer nor spare any glance at him. You didn't know how to answer him.
"And why are you chopping the soap?"
Your eyes widened and you looked at him and at the knife in your hand. Slices of soap laid on top of the chopping board. You let go of the knife, both hands floated awkwardly.
You looked around before making your way out of the kitchen. You were behaving so out of character, you didn't know what you were doing anymore. Why did you slice the soap? When did you get the soap? Where was it from? It was confusing, you ended up feeling choked up. You entered your bedroom and sat on the floor, crying while cupping your face.
"Tell me." Yongguk crouched next to you, lowering his head to move your hands and to see your red face. "What's going on?"
You shook your head. "Nothing. I'm just not feeling well." You lied when all you wanted to do is to bury your face on his chest and to have his protective arms around your body and tell him all your concerns. However, when he pulled you into his arms you became alert and pushed him away. You were afraid he would know you were pregnant if he hugged you. It was impossible though, because you didn't have any bump yet.
"Should we go to the hospital since you're not feeling well?"
"It's okay, Yongguk. Go back to work. I will just sleep it away." You tried to convince Yongguk who was not believing any of your words.
"It's not okay, baby. Let's go to the hospital." He was persistent.
"I said I am okay! What about you leave me alone? If you don't like me caring about your health, stop caring about mine. I said I am fine and I am fine!" You bursted out, hitting his chest.
"I'm not stupid. Something is wrong with you! I've heard you throwing up almost everyday. They told me you need money! And where the hell is your necklace??" He pointed at your chest, where the pendant usually rested near your beating heart. "I was waiting for you to tell me but you just would not tell me anything, won't you? Did you sell the necklace? Out of many other things?"
"You have to tell me, baby. If you're sick, if you need money for anything, you have to let me know. I am your husband. Be honest with me. Are you sick? Do you need money for a surgery? They told me you went to the hospital." His eyes were heavy with worries.
You cursed your friends and family for contacting your husband without telling you first. You remained silent.
"There's only one way to find out." He suddenly tried to carry you up but you struggled. You knew exactly what he meant. He was going to bring you to the hospital.
"Let me go! Yongguk! Let me go! I said let go!"
Yongguk was trying his best to have a hold on you without using too much force. You were too stubborn, Yongguk was aware of it way before he married you.
"Oppa, you're hurting me. Let go." Yongguk let go of you immediately, fear of hurting you. You were sprawled on the floor next to him. "Don't force me. Just let me be."
You cried. You walked to the entrance of the hospital. Then, you went back to the bench you spent time crying and cried again. It was the day of the abortion and you were alone and had never been this scared in your life. You wiped your tears and made your way to the entrance again. Your heart dropped to your stomach, you didn't think you could go through the whole thing. You turned to return to the bench but a gasp left your mouth when Yongguk was standing there. His face, he looked like he was on the verge of tears.
Not thinking much, you ran to him and buried your face on his chest. He wrapped his arms around your cold body and squeezed you with overflowing affection.
"I've been following you. Are you really sick, baby? Please tell me. I will listen. I will not judge you. Just tell me, hmm?" He whispered next to your ears before nuzzling his nose on your hair. You were crying profusely in his arms, strangely felt safe.
"Yongguk, I am getting an abortion."
He pulled away from the hug to cup your face with both hands. "Baby, you're pregnant?" His eyes became even more glossy as his eyes scanned your body for any sign before they landed on your face again. The subtle twinkles of excitement in his eyes didn't leave unnoticed by you. You nodded your head, tears flowing down your cheek.
He pulled you to sit on his lap as he sat on the bench. He caressed your face softly with his thumb, wiping your tears.
"Why? Is there any problem? Is the baby sick?" Another hand naturally caressed your stomach over your shirt. You cried harder. Suddenly, he looked like something just hit him. "You… you don't want the baby? Be honest with me. I won't judge you, I promise. If it is, I won't say anything. It's your body, I understand. I'll be there for you" He assured you with soothing words.
"Yongguk, we're not ready for kids. This is a whole new thing. You're busy with work and I can't do it alone. I'm not ready. I am scared. What if I failed as a mother? You said you don't want kids yet. You have a lot of things you want to achieve. I don't want to add another burden into your life."
Yongguk was perplexed, "Another burden…?"
"You are not happy, Yongguk. Neither am I. I feel like you are forcing yourself to play a husband role. We're more like housemates than we're husband and wife. You don't need me."
"We're better off on our own ways."
"Baby, please." He placed a finger on your lips. It was unbearable to hear them coming from you. "I've wronged you. Damn. What have I done?" Yongguk could not believe you even had an idea to go a separate way.
"But you're wrong. I need you, baby. Hell, I love you so much. I don't want to live without you. Is that why you think of abortion? Because of me? No, baby. No. You're not a burden. Not our kid." He squeezed your belly lightly.
You didn't say anything, just wiping your face with the hem of your sleeve.
"Do you...do you still want to go through?" He asked genuinely.
He tightened his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your chest as he looked up at your face. "If I say I am going to swear on my life that I am going to change and treat you better, will you give me a second chance? Will you give me a chance to be a father?"
You bit your lower lip when he finally lost it, his tears trailing down from the corner of his eyes to the corner of his lips.
"Give me a chance to make it, right? Hmm? It's my fault. I should have made you feel loved, I should have shown you how much you mean to me. I am so selfish. You deserve so much better."
"I love you, baby. I don't know how to express my love for you. I thought if I said I love you and be loyal to you, it's enough. It's my fault. My cold selfish heart does not deserve your love and kindness. But I can't lose you, baby. No way. What should I do?"
"Yongguk, I love you so much."
"I know, baby. Trust me."
"If we were to keep this baby, are you going to be there to support me? I can't do this alone, Yongguk. I really can't."
"Of course, baby. It's our child. I will do everything. I will reduce my working hours. If that's not enough, I will quit. I will do anything and everything. Please, baby." He placed kisses on your chin, jaw and the corner of your lips. "Please."
"No, silly." You poked his cheek with your finger. "Don't quit your job, not to that extent. Pay more attention to me, love me. And let me love you too."
"I will! I swear. Please, please, please. Give me a chance."
You nodded, hugging him tight. You're going to have the baby if he promised to be there for you.
After a few seconds, you pulled away.
"You know, baby, I have something for you." He took out something from his pocket and flashed you a necklace. Your necklace that you sold to cover the abortion fee.
"How did you…" You were surprised.
"From the first day I noticed it was gone, I had been looking for it. And there's only one place to sell it near our house. So I went there and retrieved it. Please don't do it again, baby. I bought this necklace using my first paycheck as a songwriter. Royalty from a love song I wrote about you."
"Yongguk, I didn't know….you didn't tell me… You became a songwriter way before we started dating." Confusion was vivid on your face.
"I've loved you since our final year in high school. Bet you didn't know that too."
"Bet you didn't know X was about that night we made love at the resort we stayed at for the school trip."
"Yongguk!" You were flustered. He rarely wrote love songs so you didn't think much of it. You really didn't know it meant so much to him. Back then he was just a one night stand to you. Only after college you started to like him back after a reunion.
"Let's go home, baby. I'll tell you everything. And you, you have to start telling me everything too. Deal?"
"I love you, pretty mama." He kissed your lips repetitively and playfully, earning a giggle from both of you.
