Learning to understand is difficult for me, for I know, but do not grasp the concept of its permanence. To know that you love me is one, but how do I understand a permanent state?
My fear of abandonment runs deep and is felt deeply upon a multitude of minor inconveniences Perhaps it’s rooted in my childhood, or perhaps it comes from forgotten experiences. Reality is, I probably developed it from a lack of knowledge of the self. From as early as I can remember, I never knew what was happening inside of me, I never knew I had something wrong.
It was always my own fears causing my anxiety. I acted immediately on irrational conclusions and never really thought to look at the situation or the other persons side.
‘He hasn’t responded to me even though he said he wasn’t doing anything, that must mean he’s texting someone else’ No, he is literally just chilling. (right…?)
‘Any moment of silence between us means that he is looking at other girls, he is probably talking to multiple girls, and he is probably being unloyal!’ No, just because people have done this to you does not mean he will. (right…?)
It is self doubt running in my head every single second of the day. Once a thought forms in my head I remain stuck on it and cannot move on. Despite the several attempts to rationalise it and make amends with myself, I am stuck. I am stuck in this loophole of self doubt and fear. I hate myself so much I cannot grasp the fact that someone can love me unconditionally.
I have been trying more at things lately but sometimes I feel so horrible about my progress that I wish I could die. I have never wanted something so bad before and I have never made this much progress before.
I am utterly in love with you and always will be. Happy seven months —
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