Anidea

[anideasworld]

Choose people who choose you

Recently, I learning to let go people who don't wanna stay. I'm not blaming myself again why they do this. Even to my family - since it's impossible to cut-off them, I just make boundaries to protecting my heart.

One of the reason I got depression before is I was looking for my family's attention. I was so envy with other people's warm family. Why no one - except my mom- asked me how I feeling, am I okay being alone in rantauan? My brothers were busy with their own family, I got frustrated for not receiving it.

But now, Alhamdulillah, Allah saving me. He makes my heart strong. I have been sincere and accepted not to have expectations from other people. If people don't want to communicate with me, as long as not my mistake I will keep my distance from them. I never begging they to stay beside me. Allah is enough for me.

[anideasworld]

End of 2024, Beginning of 2025

Today is the last day in 2024. Tuesday, 31st Desember. And it is heavy rain right now at my hometown. Tonight is night of Rajab, so 1st January = 1st Rajab.

I want to update my mental health condition. Alhamdulillah, it getting better than beginning of 2024. I can handle my emotions, I didn't do self harm as long as I remember. And I can accept my sadness, dissappointed things. I can response it with calmer, not blame myself.

Allah, Rabbii.. Laa Hawla Wa laa Quwwata Illaa billahil 'aliyyil 'adzim. I don't have power without You. I know I can't cure the mental illness without Your help, Your Kindness.

Always guide and company my steps, my life, my family.

-in my fav bedroom-

As I already wrote in last post, I want to write my visualization dream in 2025 in the next post :)

Add notes :

I write visualization dreams in the another account :D

[anideasworld]

Remembering today is almost end-year, I have an idea to make notes for my future in 2025. Visualization the dreams what I want to achieve.

And at the end, express the feeling what I want to feel in the end of 2025.

I will make notes here and in my notebook.

[anideasworld]

The Magical of Prayer

I don't know how I can life without Allah. I really grateful born and living as Muslim. Maybe if I don't know Allah I already did suicidal several years ago.

As I grow older, Prayer five times in a day is a need. I need to talk with Allah after facing the chaos world. I feel lonely, confuse if I can't prayer like now in my menstruation cycle. Something losing in my heart, feeling uncomfortable.

[anideasworld]

BIG ACHIEVEMENT !!!

After almost 5 years my interest to reading books are lost. In 2024 within 2 days I finished reading 2 books.

My visiting in November last year to go to Cikini Library turned out give good effect to awakened my interest in reading again.

I really enjoyed reading books within these 2 days. I can't wait to continue reading to guess the plot of the story. The feeling of joy when reading a book that has been missing for several years has returned.

So grateful and happy

- 2024, 20-21 April

[anideasworld]

Who's the responsible?

Being a worker that transfer knowledge in the goverment building school, I feel the job desk is not only as simple transfer information etc.

Based on what I see in my pool, the environment around the school really need to improve. They have to support teacher to make students following the rules not protecting students or help students to hiding when students in the study time. A lot of students late to come to school because they're stop and hanging out at the warung to smoking. SO INSANE AND CRAZY.

The people around there only think to make a lot of money with selling ciggarets without thinking it bad for students.

WHO'S THE RESPONSIBLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE LOCAL COMMUNITIES???????

Is it teacher's responsible too?????

[anideasworld]

Maybe Now I Know

After years I asking to God why I am working in the condition that I have to meet a lot of people almost everyday except weekend which is it drained my energy so much.

As an introvert who is charging energy with me time, socializing with people is very tired. After go back to home, my body like handphone battery that get low after all day is used. I just layed in my bed, no have energy to talk with. Even I dont have energy to communicate with my mom by phone.

But, now I can feel the difference between me at my first time at this working and me right now. I more confidence to having chit chat with others, I learn to "basa-basi" not only talk the serious things. I sure this skill will make benefit from me in the future.

I start to enjoy my process, having bad mood or fail plan in the middle of journey is something normal. Dont worry, dont overthinking. Just be patient.

I know someday I want to work in the section that I can manage my time more flexible, the work that I dont need to meet a lot of people everyday. I want do something that I like and it gives benefit for others.

Just keep swimming

Dont forget to always be grateful

Bismillah

-January 2024

[anideasworld]

My update condition the last day in 2023

From november to december, I feel my mental health has improved quite rapidly. I have a braveness to start my solo trip, try the new things, go to the places that I want, eat the foods that I never try.

I love my self more, I go to swimming alone, I go to another city alone, walking in the city alone. And I really enjoy it. I am alone but don't feel lonely.

My hobbies to reading book also comeback, I have got my comfortable and enjoy feeling to read book for hours.

And, I can clean my room quite often. In my depression era around 2020-mid 2023 I used to lazy to clean my room, I really don't have energy to clean. I just want to lay in my bed.

Praise be to Allah.

In 2024 bismillah be better in mental, faithness, finance, romance, career.

Just countdown to 2024...

Bismillah, always be with me yaa Rabb

[anideasworld]

Try again

Beforehand, I do not know how many times I said I want to give up, I feel tired and so on.

But recently I start to feeling want to try again be brave to have a dream and make it true. I want to try achieve my dream to study abroad get master degree.

Of course I still have feeling fear of failure, insecure with my skill. But I do not want to lose hoping to Allah. I have Allah to helping me achieve my dreams one by one.

When I have dream again, I feel live again.

Slowly but sure, my previous me back again. Me who ambitious, fight to my dreams.

Hello me. I miss you so much, let's meet again soon😎

-Oct 2023-

[anideasworld]

Past vs Present, who's win?

After more half years I'm not searching anything about him hoping that I'll forget, but I still remember him.

Today I feel really miss him and want to know about his life. I almost checking his ig, but I didn't. I don't wanna fail my promise to stop caring and looking for anything about him.

The man that I loved around 12 years, I let you go. I hope you find the righ life partner and happily ever after.

I want to looking forward my life with new person although I haven't met the new person yet. I pray you and me can be success and happy in our own life.

Thank you for 12 years to inspiring me be a better person.

I know you don't know that you're the one of my inspiration, but it's okay.

-10-09-23-

[anideasworld]

I am not ready to falling in love again.

I dont want to open my heart till he is gonna be my husband.

But why my heart feels sick right now? Am I already falling in love to him?

Please control yourself, dont be a dumb person

[anideasworld]

More and more the cost of living has increased. One thing I get annoyed is the service provider. They raises the price because other service providers are told to increase the price so that the market price is the same. Can this be called price monopoly? My wages did not increase, but the price of goods increased multiple times.

Yaa Razzaq, please expand sustenance for me

[anideasworld]

Wooaa it's crazy. I can't stop smiling when get chat from him

August

[anideasworld]

If i have a choice to choose whether to be born or not, I'll choose not to be born. I struggling face and solve the problems alone. When I feeling tired, I just wanna share my feeling but she just comparing my life with her life, her nephew life. As it my problems are nothing.

She looking my problems are nothing because I pretend to going shut up than talk to her. How can I talk to her if when I start to talk she cut my story and then she tell me to grateful and compare my life.

I just wanna my feeling being accepted, is it hard?

[anideasworld]

My inner head is so noisy. Want sleep but can't. My foot feel like already walking a thousand mile.

[anideasworld]

It's ok to cry, you strong enough today.

You did it. Just take a rest now. Long long take a rest.

I wanna say goodbye to the world, but unfortunately my body still alive.

Cry, cry, cry lonely

[anideasworld]

DREAM

After almost 3 years I losing my hope, my dream, my ambition. Recently I have a quite big dream, the dream is get master degree in abroad.

I did mini research to looking for universities I want to study. I found 2 universities that I thought the best for study that I want to. I searched one of them last night before I slept, and in my dream I go to the country that university I want, asking to many seniors about major, lectures, anything. And I asking their phone number so I can call them if I have any inquiry.

So funny bring me happiness..

I hope it's not just only dream in sleep. I want and I will try and pray to make the dream comes true.