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[anitracancervivor]

Exactly two years ago to the day. Me and my little cutie. A couple weeks before I'd find out I had cancer. I had NO IDEA I was in for information like that! I felt great, I looked fine, I ate healthy and exercised almost daily. I did not have even ONE indication that cancer was waging a silent internal war inside my left breast. There's no way I would've gone in to the doctor to discover there was a lump if I hadn't already been going in for something else routine. I basically felt the same up until I went through all the treatments for cancer: chemo, surgery, radiation, complications, reconstruction and then an ITP diagnosis (blood disorder). I definitely don't feel like the same person anymore. To say I've been through a lot would be 100% accurate. Somewhere along the way, parts of me that seemed so fixed fell away (or were cut away)... Like my cognitive ability as I interact with the world around me. It's not that I'm stupider 😊 (but probably I am), it's just that I can't track things the way I used to. I'm way more wrinkly than I was. And I'm much more sedentary than before. I keep hoping that'll change. I exercise some, but I just can't get myself back to where I was. The ITP (low platelets) keeps me tired a lot of the time. Wheatgrass and pomegranate juice are helpful with making me feel more energized. Expensive, but nutritious, pick me ups! I feel spiritually well. And I feel emotionally well. I feel sane (different from cognitively astute) which is saying something in this world in which we live. I'm happy for my life, as hard as it's been (and as easy as it's been compared to some/many in other places). There are so many big and little things every day that fill me with peace, contentment and gratitude. It's like the early days of child-rearing where the days feel long, but the years go fast. I feel like the road is long for me, but it's paved with so many treasures and the days actually pass quickly. Life may not look the way I want it to look in every aspect. Guess I've been humbled down a lot more than I was in my 20s/30s..that's probably a good thing and maybe by design. But I'm grateful for this life. I feel lucky to feel so lucky.. (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Ymz4uFEu3/?igshid=1e6xlj0174lzh

[anitracancervivor]

I've got a really big week ahead of me, but fortunately it's heralded by a day with nothing in particular to do: Sunday. This week brings a check-in appointment with the Plastic Surgeon and I still have NO IDEA when I want to have (another) surgery. It's daunting considering when to schedule and prepare for a 2-5 week period of downtime where I'll be incapacitated and need help with everything. Again. I also have the CT/PET scan which will light up my body and PRAYING, confirm there's no cancer in my body. And, a follow up w the local medical oncologist on a couple items. I've been dragging myself to the gym almost every other day and am so happy to say the pain in my hip has maybe entirely disappeared. My knee is still achey but that's probably because I'm (getting) old. And the lower back pain has eased up, too. I read that after chemo, being inactive can really increase the bone and joint pain and the best thing to do is exercise. Duh. *And*, it's been super hard to consistently get myself exercising over the last year since cancer treatment. Like, crazy hard due to all the downtime I've needed and all the lazy and tired I've felt. So, I'm going into the week excited, but nervous on the health front. Other things are going well. My girl is turning 11 really soon and that's exciting and will be fun. My CASA duties are picking up as I sat in on my first hearing for the case; it's super intense and a huge privilege to be able to be a critical representative of the little one who I'm assigned to and needs my advocacy. It's really bought up a host of feelings inside me from my own upbringing and let's just say, thank god I have the best EMDR therapist I meet with weekly, who not only helps me sort through the morass that is cancer treatment decisions, but also helps illuminate the dark and cavernous potholes of my psyche that occasionally throw me off course and taunt me with their old familiar song. I feel strong inside myself. Everything might not be exactly as I *want* it, but everything is perfect as it is. #wantowritemore #cancervivor #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #faith #shradda #everythingisasitshouldbe #trustlife (at Nevada County, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2JDcvVhR4O/?igshid=1uxbw3krjt703

[anitracancervivor]

I've been trying to post something for DAYS and have been thwarted by one thing or another. Well today was TOO GOOD to let the moments keep slipping away. The short of it from today was I had some divination from someone I highly respect and he showed me that I'm going to just keep getting better and better health-wise, strength-wise, bad-ass-wise. I really needed to hear this because my mind was starting to be taken over by the anxiety of uncertainty and having listened to some hard stories of stage 4 ladies who shuffled off this mortal coil. I honestly can't listen to those stories anymore. Not until I feel like I'm fully back on my feet and have the further certainty in knowing that cancer no longer dwells here (my next CT/PET Scan is 9/11). The day before yesterday I ready LOVED my outfit and needed to take a photo of it and share that (with you all). So there's that photo. I actually felt cute, sassy, creative and happy! Then, my "boob" fell out of my bra yesterday and it was actually hilarious. That's the other photo. Due to the absence of feeling on my chest, I have NO IDEA when my fake boobie shifts around or in this case, totally falls out! I live for that level of ridiculousness of being a human. I mean, that's some funny stuff. I get to wear a falsie until some future unknown date when I will carry on with reconstruction. I actually totally love the foob because it's so squishy and fun to squeeze and poke. When I was a kid I poked the eye of fish in the package and the grocery store and while that's totally gross, it was also oddly satisfying--much like poking the squishy boob I don daily. I'm excited to take the medicines I've been prescribed to help me feel better; one is promacta for the ITP (platelet problem) and the other will likely be tamoxifen in September after it's confirmed I'm still pre-menopausal. Though that'll have it's serious drawbacks, it's going to give me peace of mind (at least for awhile) that estrogen isn't contributing to a reoccurence of BC in my body. It does increase uterine cancer risk, but I'll deal with that after I've taken tamoxifen for a year or two. #feelingcutesomedays #relieved #postchemo #itgetsbetter https://www.instagram.com/p/B1sgSpYBmiv/?igshid=2a90sesyyedh

[anitracancervivor]

I had such a fun old birthday turning 45. Spent the morning with my girl and her little brothers at three Farmers market. Received a GORGEOUS gift from @babaheirlooms (check out his amazing jewelry!)..my sweet, beautiful friend. Ate my fave shrimp tacos from taqueria, got some yummy vegan ice cream from @treatsofnevadacity (best ice cream!) Then we rented a cute #romcom called Isn't it Romantic that I missed the ending of. The beautiful Pamela T dropped by with a stunning framed butterfly and donations to my store and a special someone left me flowers. I felt really loved and appreciated today. Also, lots of online bday wishes that were very heartwarming. Oh, and this hairdo my girl have me with my slow-growing, but at least I have some HAIR. I loved today. It was a sweet entrance into 45 years on this blessed creation of existence! Thanks for another year GOD! Keep 'em comin!!!! Another 45 sounds good, m'kay??~ 💛💛💛 #birthday #today #thankyou #thankgod #bestgirl #lovethekiddos #flowersarealwaysagoodidea #friends #love #celebrateitall #growth (at Nevada County, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1S57fDhtCI/?igshid=19bhx8pwcsvm2

[anitracancervivor]

It's hard to believe today was my first day this summer at the river. Last summer I was going through chemo and couldn't go in the sun so I avoided the river entirely. Plus, I felt like shit a lot of the time. This summer I've been dealing with major fatigue, unexpected surgeries and feeling like shit a lot of the time. My daughter and her friend implored me to take them to the river and it was so easy to say yes to, especially after having gone to the fair 3 out of the last 5 days. Getting into the water, up and down large rocks that required my physical strength, balance and courage took something from me. I felt white, fat and out of shape, but those feelings eventually took a back seat to the beautiful curve of the river's edge, the gleeful sounds of kids playing in the sun..the breeze caressing my skin as I sat quietly perched on a rock of my own in silent reflection. Those were moments my insides truly needed: not doing, stillness, the hum of life happening all around while I sat motionless and needless. Funny how we can not know we need being needless. Or maybe the river and the stillness tricked me into that silent surrender inside. I love when I get quiet. When everything seems to stop inside and I can just bear witness to life, not needing to add or subtract from it, but just feel, observe and experience it. It was such a great day to have 'no mind' unintentionally for a time. #awareness #bestill #listenmore #wakeup #yubariver #stillness #surrender #stopdoingsometimes #grateful #cancervivor #reseller #healing #integrativetherapy #simplejoy #minimalisminaction #doless #feelmore (at The Yuba River) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1DVq0znTxj/?igshid=1cd7c1167te6x

[anitracancervivor]

Loved hanging out with my sweet friend today. She's clearly looking at the right spot on the camera for selfies 😅. As many as I've taken, you'd think I'd know! Plus I held the phone down and totally spaced that selfies are way better from up above. Duh. There's a lot I dont know lately; it almost feels like a certain part of my brain has shut down. Honestly, sometimes I feel like maybe I have brain damage from all I've been through. I'm not living into that as fact, but it's astonishing how many simple things I can't remember or don't connect. There was dog poo on our front driveway and I literally had no thought it might've been from a dog--I was going through all these considerations about what animal might've done that, but a DOG never crossed my mind. That one kinda scared me. I guess I'm a little holding my breath and hoping that I just get through this hard chapter. That's really no way to live long term and it's understandable to be responding that way, at least to me (If I can't have compassion for myself, who CAN I have it for?). Laughing with friends might be one of the greatest pleasures on Earth. Sharing a sense of humor with another delights me in a particular way. I love when something specific GETS me and I just know that a certain someone would totally find it funny and hysterical too. We shared a lot of laughs this afternoon. I still have a headache and bodyache from some junky side effects from the immunoglobulin transfusions I had the last few days and last night had crazy painful side effects. I'm getting the message more and more that I just need to plop my damn self on the couch and rest more. I literally hate resting in moments. It's so damn hard for me to sit still and do nothing. It feels like a curse of the world we live in and an auto-pilot way of navigating life that I adopted somewhere along the way, like the busier we are the better we are. I want to believe that what I'm doing is necessary and not just busy-ness, but I at least have to take a moment to stop and really question that line of thinking. #compassion #cancervivor #itp #rest #laughter #friendship #brainpain #sweetness #faith #selfiefauxpas (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0sIkJRBrFE/?igshid=bq4rp9hkpis8

[anitracancervivor]

Ohh, these bloodshot, tired eyes. I'm sitting in the Radiology waiting room waiting for a CT Scan of my chest area. Recently there's been blood in the phlegm when I clear my throat (I don't like saying 'coughing up blood' bc that's not actually accurate, but I think that's how it's described). I'm worried about it in a way that's kind of haunting me lately. I'm haunted by this *low platelet* phenomenon happening in my body. The cancer was one thing and the cancer treatments another, but what in the actual fuck is going on with my blood? Why the low platelets? I haven't gotten a great answer to this very simple and obvious question. My platelets dropped to 26 today. They were 68 a week ago. I hope they fall no further in the coming days. Tomorrow I drive to Stanford to meet with their hematology team. My oncologist in Grass Valley (who's also a hematologist) thinks they'll recommend having my spleen removed and I hope he's wrong because I want my spleen, even though I never gave a rip about it before they told me I have ITP. I'm fucking tired. Im tired of the hospital. I'm tired of doctors appointments. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want with my days from morning until night. I'm tired of having to sleep in uncomfortable positions and feeling a pressure in my chest. You're young they tell me. Really, bitches?! Because I feel like I'm 90. Sometimes I feel like I've lost the energy to keep standing tall and facing the unknown with Grace and Humor. I think I'm more in 'wait and see' mode, wondering which direction things are going to go. Will she spring back, or will she decline further? I don't feel like it's in my hands most of the time, if at all. I haven't given up on life by any means. But I'm definitely taken aback by this whole thing. All I know to do is keep doing my best to confront and address whatever is directly in front of me. Making plans has become a joke. I can no longer see the road ahead. I visualize my wellness and vibrance and hope those days will come. In the meantime I'm committed to only doing what I HAVE to and WANT to do. I know God's got my back, as always. #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #cancervivor (at Sierra Nevada Memorial Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0hTf7SBE95/?igshid=ha5ugnfqllvi

[anitracancervivor]

My dining room table workstation and crazy high pile of clothes I just added to my inventory sheet (I'm getting so organized and efficient over here)! Still haven't caught up on listing items, but I have at least done part of the work on these 68 items. I feel like I've finally found something I love doing that pays me. I'm not rolling in the dough yet, but I will be. Maybe it'll take a year, I dont know. Especially with all my surgeries and doctors appointments that keep me doing other things besides working. I think I'm putting in something close to 15 hour days--I'm tired but I love it! There's so much to learn and do! I'm pretty sure cancer and cancer healing have helped me be so motivated to be successful. It's weird, but something's changed inside me recently. I'm just so committed to this in a way I've had a hard time creating when it's come to other things I love that I (half-heartedly) tried to monetize: Vedic astrology, photography, coaching/counseling--for example. I'm over here slogging away and I love it! Plus I also love my alone time and this is the ultimate in aloneness: reseller life. it's just me, my drive, my ideas, my production, I get to be a true lone wolf! 😂 One day I'm gonna need some help as I scale up, but now I'm setting things up and creating systems, something else I love doing--creating organized systems. Tomorrow, I get blood drawn and we'll see how my bloods holding up on its own post-steroids. Tuesday I drive to Stanford for some high-powered thrifting and to meet with the Plastic Surgeon (again. And again.) #deadmau5ismysoundtrack #feelingit #resellerlife #reseller #ebayer #poshmark #mercari #amazonresell #cancervivor #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #catbymyside #bossbabe (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzoL8qiBbBu/?igshid=jnm2p0j9s805

[anitracancervivor]

I'm so moved by contemporary art and personal storytelling. .. Here, I captured this black couple in silhouette watching an incredible short that showed the life of blacks in America. It was art within art. And it moved me. To see this story that is not mine, but we all struggle in one way or another and it evoked a deep feeling in my heart. .. A lot of the exhibits centered around listening and hearing each other. They demonstrated how our voices are obscured by our inability to communicate with clarity, let alone anything close to mastery. .. I've got my mind and life on other things at the moment (to say the fucking least), but I think communication is probably the discipline of humanism I care the most about. .. It interests me that so many of us feel unheard and unable to communicate what we want to say. .. It interests me that we can say one thing and think we are being clear as day and someone else can hear that one thing and interpret it completely different than the intention. .. It interests me that (I believe) we are so easily hurt, particularly our feelings and we hear things that aren't even said. .. I'm fascinated by the resilience we have and our inexhaustible ability to endure through hardship. .. I eventually always come back to: I'm fascinated and amazed by humans; our triumphs and tribulations, our inabilities and our great strength... And communication is at the fore of all of it for me, and still I struggle with it. Often. .. #communication #speaking #listening #humans #humanity #cancervivor #letsdothis #strength #awareness #contemporaryart (at Chicago metropolitan area) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByTysC9hV-G/?igshid=194w8dhv92qpc

[anitracancervivor]

When you spontaneously choose the RIGHT MUG FOR YOU! .. Bucktown..Chicago, Illinois. .. My girl doesn't feel good which definitely makes it harder to feel ready for the day. .. .. Hoping a little toast helps her sea-sick train tummy.. 🙁 .. We are gonna hit the art museum and maybe some local quirky shops. .. And of course, THE BEAN! .. I was going to go #thrifting but thought I'd spare my girl the agony.. .. I'm obsessed, though. Toodles for now 💚 #bucktown #chicago #artmuseums #sickkid #rayoffuckingsunshine #letsdothisthing #cancervivor #partsurrenderpartkickitsass https://www.instagram.com/p/ByQFwRWBNMi/?igshid=16wxyox8d8hg0

[anitracancervivor]

.. I'd say it's the longest 48 hours on a train I've ever spent but I'd be lying because Mumbai to Kerala was a hella way longer ride. Indian trains are WAY harder than Amtrak, but almost everything's harder in India. .. .. It's been A LOT of sitting on my butt feeling like I need some movement! Ready for some non-train food and sights that don't include train bathrooms. .. .. We passed through Iowa and the flooded Burlington Train station, that was a sight to behold! We were going 5 mph over the tracks that looked like they were still flooded. Glad we didn't have to 'wait it out' in Iowa... .. .. I'm so glad we chose the sleeper car on here because roughing it in coach with just me and my girl feels a little too vulnerable. Weve had our own 'Tokyo Living Capsule' to chill in the whole way..that's been nice. .. .. Next stop, Chicago! 🐻❤️ (at Naperville, Illinois) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByOdvbIBYJr/?igshid=1cqyypdolsmc0

[anitracancervivor]

Okay, #Colorado is Stunning! I get it now.... Waking up near Lincoln, #Nebraska. We have a full day of travel today through NE, IA, then we'll be in #Chicago! What's up?! We were going to ride segways but the minimum weight is 100 pounds and my girl is only about 70 pounds. We've got other plans! I had a night of crazy cancer and recovery dreams on the very bumpy, loud, fast moving train. I woke up (like this) all in a dither because I was so rocked from Dreamland I forgot who I was or anything about my firmly-established identity for a few minutes. These damn tissue expanders might be coming out sooner than later and I'm so happy about that. It'll put a wrench in my online business building I've been doing, but I'll get back to it. Oh my God, the announcer on this train .. it's Kenny, the café guy. #nofilter #coloradobeauty #trainlife #fliplife #resellercommunity #breastcancerhealing #tissueexpanderhell #healing #whoami #nowwhoami #cancervivor #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #ugghlife (at Lincoln, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByNSAkZBNSX/?igshid=15o3y9cavumh3

[anitracancervivor]

Wherever this is, this is where we are. Somewhere between Provo, Utah and Helper, Utah I think. #amtrak #trainlife #momdaughtertrip #cancervivor #landscape #scenery #utah #colorado #upnext #beautifulworld https://www.instagram.com/p/ByLO9iPBYuv/?igshid=1r9ig6i9gs15s

[anitracancervivor]

Hi! I love experimenting and playing with all the social media tools out there and discovered that there is a really easy way to make podcasts using an app called anchor. I've always wanted to check that out, so I did. That's one thing. The podcast is called @clothesyoureyes and I made one episode not knowing what I was doing so the first part is just some things I was inspired by and the end longer part is me speaking to a friend posing a spiritual question. Also, I set up another Instagram account called @justclothesyoureyes Where I will share the things I have for sale as I have been embarking on this resellers journey. It's on pause right now though Because my daughter and I are about to go on a 10-day train trip. So I had to put all my shops on hold for vacation. I do have a few things listed on there now though. Follow me there if you're interested in seeing any of the cute and wild clothes I have for sale. I like bright, patterned, eclectic fabrics and classic designers. Anyway...tata for now. We leave for the train soon ! #resellerlife #resell #clotheshound #fun #momdaughter #trainlife #thrifting #lovelife (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByI1LzDhJIu/?igshid=133701p22wbif

[anitracancervivor]

Dig the moves at the end!! 😂 I actually vomited yesterday but you wouldn't know it from this video. Because it's #ursher And sometimes I hear a song that makes me get off my #cancerhealingass and do a lil dance. I'm getting excited about an upcoming train trip w my daughter. We leave on Friday for 9 days to Chicago and DC. It's going to be hard to leave my budding business but it's going to be awesome to be on an adventure with my favorite person in the universe! ❤️⚡ We are going to take photos and video of course, cuz that's how we both roll............! Tonight I start a cancer support group with some local women who are dealing with the aftermath of cancer and treatment. I definitely need some sisterhood and kinship in this department. I've had some hard days lately... Ok, peep my crazy mom dance. I could.do crazier but fuck, I don't have all my damn energy back yet. They say 1-2 years...🙄🙄🙄 It SO sucks. #weirdmoms #tiktok #usher #yeah #dancelike #hiphopmoms #bustit #jamonit #sicknotsick #❤️ (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx-tGGvB_6c/?igshid=ry0mwp7kibr8

[anitracancervivor]

How it's going so far on reselling clothes and stuff. I'm still working it hardcore and have made some sales, but I'm learning some tweaks I need to do to make it sustainable and a true source of income. I'm not so hot on #poshmark I must say. They are trying to be a social platform and require too much of sellers in my opinion. I know people do well on it but I prefer just doing the right work on the front end and being able to let my listing ride from that point rather than all this stupid sharing many times a day crap. I dont get how people are into it... Well, I say all this and a lil more in this 60 sec vid. 😊 #resellercommunity #reseller #resale #cancervivor #selfemployed #thisismyhealing #cancergame #partsurrenderpartkickitsass #onefootinfrontoftheother #keepgoing #tiredbyevening #her2 #breastcancerthriver (at Grass Valley, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx3cQrIBEWd/?igshid=m46h70lw1hlq

[anitracancervivor]

#depop One of my favorite places to resell clothes. Check it out! ..and check out ALL my stuff for sale at the link in BIO. ❤️ Thank you! #resellercommunity #resell #loveclothes #clotheslove #cancervivor #doyourthing #joy #fun #share #partsurrenderpartkickitsass https://www.instagram.com/p/BxqfZ16hzqI/?igshid=1h74urjmwrydx