Chapter 24: Brillaban Los Sacais Suyo' Cuando Le Di El Anillo
Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice
Ao3
Author's Note: Your majesties, Drizzle is exhausted. Because only Drizzle can take this, and this, and give you…
There’s a playlist and a mood-board.
Beatrice would like to point out that she didn’t mean to be in this lift. Especially right at this very moment, where Levy is a frantic ball of nerves and running on the potential energy his eyebrows have created.
Levy rubs anxiously at his neck again, the spot on his neck getting redder and redder as time wears on.
Camila had made the grave mistake of calling at midday, asking Levy to pick her and Todd up from the airport. Heated words were exchanged. Not by Beatrice, no, by Levy. Beatrice’s eyes land on Camila and Todd now, who at least have the decency to appear properly chastised.
While Levy had dashed off to the airport in a mad scramble, she had spent the afternoon wandering through the streets of Barcelona taking in the sights and the initial festivities of La Mercè, all while Ava attended rehearsals for tonight's Spanish Heritage Benefit Gala.
“Alice!” Levy cries out in pure relief the moment the lift doors open. “Oh, thank God you’re here, I don’t think I can take this anymore. Their flights were delayed and this one here,” he stops, inhales sharply, and points accusatorily at Todd, “Didn’t bother to get a suit,” all the while the doors slowly slide shut in agonising slow motion.
Beatrice is the one to ram her foot into its path to stop it from fully closing on them.
“Surely, he must have been told to prepare a suit, especially,” by this point, Levy’s voice has reached a shrillness that has everyone wincing, his eyebrows almost lifting off his forehead in an impressive display, “Since this has been planned months in advance!” His eyes dart to Camila menacingly.
The doors begin to close again. This time, Alice is the one to put out a sacrificial hand to stop it.
“And don’t get me started on you, Camila. Once we finish the tour we’re going to discuss why Gwen just so happened to quit unexpectedly!”
“Please…help me,” Beatrice implores Alice, stuck between Todd’s peculiar silence and Levy’s supreme levyness.
Alice smirks. “I will be taking Beatrice with me,” she says with a bored sort of droll intonation to her voice as she reaches between the two of them, pinching at Beatrice’s collar and plucking her out of the lift.
“Come on! Come on! We’re already running late as it is,” Levy yells from behind them as the others exit. “I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Levy, it’ll be fine! Look, you’re fine, we’re all fine. Aren’t we fine?” No one agrees with Camila. Not even Todd.
Come to think of it, Beatrice hasn’t heard Todd speak once. Ever.
“Everything’s fine, Levy. Don’t worry, Levy—get me from the airport. Hey, Todd doesn’t have a suit. Levy! Levy! Levy!” Levy continues his hysterical tirade as they advance down the hotel corridor. “Keycard for you—”
“Wait. Todd and I—”
“KEYCARD FOR YOU!” Levy slaps the keycard onto Todd’s chest along with a garment bag, ignoring Camila’s protest. “Go shower! And if you’re not downstairs in an hour I’m leaving you behind.”
Todd taps the card onto the card reader and with one last fleeting and fearful look in Camila’s direction, goes inside.
They’re running late.
Beatrice looks down at her watch. Yup, definitely running late.
Alice follows the bend of the corridor, trying her best to ignore the back and forth bickering that is happening between Camila and Levy. “Meet you guys downstairs later,” Alice says, stopping in front of the door to Beatrice and Ava's room.
Camila pinches her nose, annoyance coming through now. “I’m sorry for not responding to like one text, Levy!”
“You know what?” Levy gesticulates wildly, “I’m sorry there isn’t an open balcony to throw you from!”
Levy and Camila continue walking past, seemingly oblivious to having left her and Alice behind.
“How long does it take to get flowers, Beatrice?” Alice asks once they’re alone, tone a little agitated. “Ava has been calling you. You know she’s already nervous as is.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I couldn’t find carnations anywhere. I underestimated how hard it would be and by the time I did, the crowds and Levy plus company caught up with me.”
Ava has been worrying about tonight and surreptitiously, so has she. Except, Beatrice’s front has been that of strength. A show of strength and fortitude to outweigh Ava’s apprehension. She understands the fear in Ava’s mind—their preference for privacy—to not make their love a spectacle. The fear of not being in control anymore. Of allowing the world a peek into their relationship.
“It’s important to her. It’ll help.”
Alice gives her an exasperated but fond look. “Yes, I’m well aware.”
There’s friendly chatter in the hotel room as they enter. Maria and Juana going about their jobs. Ava’s hair is already in a classic flamenco style low bun—perfectly split at the middle and gelled down.
Juana walks over to them, reaching out to the carnations. There's no vocalisation of her annoyance with how long the venture has taken, but the evidence is clear on her face. She makes a quick job of cutting the stem from the flower, “No, no, no, pero no me digas. ¿Dónde oíste eso?” (No, no, no, but don't tell me. Where did you hear that from?), while continuing to gossip, neatly pinning it at the side of Ava’s bun.
“Lo escuché de una de las chicas de abajo, dicen que él también está en el hotel” (I heard it from one of the girls downstairs, they say he’s in this hotel too), Maria replies, testing a shade of blush against her wrist, then applying it to Ava’s cheek with a flourish of the makeup brush.
“We’re going to be late,” Ava says curtly once they make eye contact. She’s sitting with her arms and legs crossed, phone shoved into the crevice of her elbow. Beatrice swallows. Ava is not amused.
“I’ll be quick,” Beatrice responds, avoiding what will probably turn into a glare if she takes any longer to get ready. She’s in the adjoining bathroom and taking off her shirt when the door abruptly opens and a bathrobed Ava steps in, closing it shut behind her. “Wh—hey!”
“Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For getting the flowers,” Ava clarifies, running a soothing hand down Beatrice’s back and undoing her bra one handed. Providing access for the light, calming scratches along the entire expanse of her back. “It means a lot to me that you did.”
“I promised you that I would.”
Ava smiles, wrapping her arms around Beatrice’s waist and pulling their bodies close, breathing her in. She releases the air slowly, it tickles along Beatrice’s back and up her neck. Peppered kisses begin to land on the curvature of her shoulder as Ava nuzzles with her nose and leaves pecks with her lips.
A content sigh leaves her person. But if she doesn’t get a hold of them now, Ava will stress later. “Don’t be naughty, your makeup is done.”
“Alright, alright,” Ava whines, unwillingly pulling away, but not before giving her butt a little squish.
“You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...”, Beatrice teases while shimmying towards the shower.
“Don’t you dare quote Miss Congeniality at me, Beatrice!” Ava waves a hand halfheartedly towards her, trying to land a smack.
“You want to hug me...You want to love me...You want to hug me...You want to smooch me...You want to…”, Beatrice continues singsonging while pulling her pants down and wiggling her butt the entire time.
Rapid footsteps approach from behind her, right before a hand lands on her bare buttcheek with a satisfying smack. “You keep doing this and I’m going to follow you into the shower.”
“Shoo! I still need to be able to look Maria and Juana in the eyes.” Ava heaves a sigh as she turns to leave and Beatrice asks, “Are you okay? Is there anything else I can do?”
Her girlfriend’s eyebrows pinch for a moment, but it doesn’t last, eye crinkling at the corners instead. “Yeah. I need you to shower!”
—
Alice comes through the hotel double doors, hand anxiously running through her hair. “Fuck,” she says, casting her eyes outside.
“Fuck,” They all echo in unison as a crowd of hundreds passes by the front of the hotel.
The streets outside are inundated by festival goers as La Mercè is officially about to begin.
Their drivers will not be able to make it around the parade floats and multitudes of people roaming the streets. Giant gengants—papier-mâché dolls—will fill up every corner of the city as the festivities continue well into the night. The festival is projected to host over 2 million people this year, all of them attending cultural and artistic presentations throughout the city.
But they’re not here for that. They’re here for the Spanish Heritage Benefit Gala. A gathering of various entertainers for one night in a celebration of their shared culture and history through the arts. What awaits them is a long night of red carpet, performances, awards, and after parties.
Ava picks at the sleeve of her structured black jacket, the size of the crowd sending spirals of anxiety all through her. The dramatics of her traditional, yet, contemporary, flamenco style black dress looks more and more like a bad idea the longer she dwells on it. The form-fitting skirt, which cascades into a train with a series of ruffled silhouettes will not aid their current predicament.
It’ll be a miracle at this point if they make it with enough time for her opening number. They’ll have to forgo the red carpet. Which means that all of her and Beatrice’s planning for the red carpet—all those hours of PR training—will be for nothing. All those months spent agonising, discussing this at length, and their sleepless nights over their first public outing will be wasted.
Stupid.
Is she overthinking? They’ll just find another opportunity if they miss this one.
Oh my God. She’s turned into Beatrice.
The stress must show on Ava’s face because without giving it a second thought, Beatrice crouches—her black pants and white blouse allowing for it. She begins to gather the train of Ava’s dress in several swoops, the weight of the ruffles gathering heavily on Beatrice’s chest. Ava curses at the black, flat-brimmed hat Beatrice is wearing. It’s obstructing her view of her girlfriend’s face. A face that she’s desperately trying to see because the selfless gesture alone is making Ava’s heart swoon, stomach filling up with all sorts of butterflies and magical feelings.
(*)(*)
Siempre hay milagros…
(There will always be miracles)
Siempre hay milagros…
Beatrice looks up, face soft and adoring as she says, “We’ll make it. It’s not far.”
And Ava is bewitched. Once again taken aback by how Beatrice expresses her love. The way Beatrice understands how important this is for them, to her. She nods in reply, unable to vocalise how such a simple act is capable of filling her with so much affection for the woman in front of her.
Beatrice will get them there. Ava has no doubt about that.
Si tengo fe podré cantar
(With faith, I will sing)
Con la verdad podré volar
(With the truth, I will fly)
Siempre hay milagros que surgirán si hay amor
(Miracles will always arise if there is love)
Beatrice stands, casting her eyes towards the streets outside, determination written all over her face.
Ava is shoving her matching clutch against Levy’s chest, hands coming to Beatrice’s hat, carefully pulling at the pins holding it in place, mindful to not disturb the matching carnations on Beatrice’s bun. “Just in case it falls.”
Beatrice nods.
Camila makes a dissatisfied noise at Todd when it seems like he won’t make an effort to extend his hand towards her and help her with her dress. “Todd! Hold my hand. What are you good for?!”
He scrambles forward, walking like an awkward penguin in his Armani suit, and uncertainly offers his hand for Camila to take.
Alice snickers, grabbing Beatrice’s hat from Ava’s hands. “Alright, let's face the crowds then.”
No me imagino vivir mi vida sin tu amor
(I can't imagine living my life without your love)
Estar contigo es mi ilusión, es nuestro destino
(Being with you is my dream, it's our destiny)
No necesito memorias para recordar
(I don't need memories to remember)
Que existen mil razones por ser feliz
(That there are a thousand reasons to be happy)
Siempre te amare
(I will always love you)
The bells of the Basílica de la Merced go off as they all exit the hotel. Cheers erupt from the crowds around them at the official start of the festival. Their attention instantly falling to the church, its tympanum catching the late afternoon's sun and casting shadows along the cobblestone pavement below. The bell tower’s octagonal shape reverberates the peals from the ringing bells.
Ava’s eyes catch the statue of the Virgin Mercè at the very top of the basilica, her rust green visage gazing over the square below. The world quiets down as Ava’s gaze falls on Beatrice beside her and then back to the patron saint of the city— thoughts, prayers, and hopes expressed without a single sound.
“Wait,” Ava finds herself saying after a few seconds as the crowds begin to shove past them, completely uninterested in the regalia they’re all wearing. “Levy, take the train.” He looks between her and Beatrice, puzzled by the request, but doing it without question. Beatrice is about to protest, but Ava is quick to grab onto her hand, ending whatever objection was about to be uttered. “Don’t let go.”
“I won’t.”
Alice, now holding onto Beatrice’s hat and Ava’s clutch speaks up. “Whatever happens, you keep going. I’ll meet you guys on the red carpet.”
Camila nods and bounds ahead, “Let’s go, Todd,” dragging him behind her.
“Get her there on time, lovergirl. I’m counting on you.” Alice rushes after them, leaving her, Beatrice and Levy behind.
“Ready?” Beatrice asks, squeezing their hands together, intertwining them in a strong grip.
“Ready.”
Nada, nada nos puede separar
(Nothing, nothing will separate us)
Tú y yo, siempre aquí hasta el final
(You and I, always together until the end)
The old city of Barcelona greets them as their heels echo down the labyrinthine streets, many of which open up to smaller streets and squares. All housing medieval landmarks and the remains of the city’s Roman walls. The neo-Gothic features range from stained glass windows behind metal fenced balconies, watchful gargoyles that line every possible space, to traversing bridges above with intricate columns that adjoin the already close buildings closer together.
Everything at once is claustrophobic and suffocating. The streets are tightly packed with people. All in different states of merriment. Many in costumes and shouting after the gengants. Their colossal heads bouncing up and down ahead, and all around them.
Beatrice holds her hand tightly. Concerned with the amount of shoving and pushing occurring in every direction. She pushes her other hand out every so often, making way for them, making sure they don’t get trapped within the crowd.
As they turn into an empty stretch and prepare to pass underneath El Pont Del Bisbe, Levy shrieks, his grip jerking at Ava’s dress, pulling her backwards and momentarily throwing her off balance. Beatrice reacts quickly, tensing her arm to keep Ava steady.
They all come to a complete stop and gaze upon the horror in front of them. A child sized gengant is staring straight at them. Its humongous head adding nightmare fuel to the already creepy feeling that has descended upon the gothic quarter as the sun begins to set. The eerie skull and dagger motif along the underside of the bridge now cast into shadow and thickening the air of trepidation around them.
It’s quiet. Too quiet.
“La leyenda dice que quien pase por debajo de este puente será maldecido por toda la eternidad.” (Legend says that whoever passes underneath this bridge will be cursed for all eternity.)
The child’s voice instantly makes her uncomfortable and sends a chill up her spine. Levy babbles incoherently behind her.
Beatrice looks over her shoulder at Levy, “Are you praying?!”
“YES! I don’t know what the THING said, but I don’t want to stick around to find out. I’ll take any help I can get,” Levy screeches, casting serious eyes at the child. Ava can almost hear Levy willing it to move itself out of their way and poof out of existence.
“We can cut through Plaça de Sant Jaume,” Ava speaks up, waving her hand dismissively at the child. The child who doesn’t move. Gilipollo (Asshole).
Levy nervously pulls out his phone. His eyes don’t settle on the device for long, lest the child try anything funny. “Bad idea according to Maps. Very red.”
“The parade wouldn’t have gotten that far yet. It’ll just be the castellers and the people watching them.”
Beatrice is looking between her and Levy. “Are you two seriously afraid of what the kid just said?” Their eyes shift to Beatrice for only a second, then back to each other like she’s grown a second head.
“I don’t know what it said!”
“Something about a curse,” Ava supplies, pulling on Beatrice’s hand. Hard. “I’m not taking any chances!” She hisses. As clear as an indication as she can manage that they will not be going under the bridge under any circumstances.
“SEE!” Levy insists, “Descartes, listen to your loving girlfriend! She knows what’s best.”
No cabe duda nuestro destino ya llegó
(Without a doubt our destiny has arrived)
Es una nueva vida, ya todo cambiara
(With this new life everything will change)
Es el momento que yo ya siempre anhele
(Finally the moment I longed for)
El cielo da su bendición por este amor
(The sky gives its blessing to this love)
Este amor entre dos
(The love between us two)
At the plaza, the gathering crowds surround them. They’re all sandwiched between the Palau de la Generalitat and the city hall. The palace’s towering granite columns are the perfect frame of reference for just how high the human towers are rising around them.
The attention which was once on the castellers and its climbers have now shifted to them instead as they continue to worm their way through. With many in the rabble loudly whispering to each other while others are fervently snapping photos of them.
They’re undeterred though with Beatrice leading them forward.
“¡Qué hermosas las dos!” (How beautiful you two are!)
“¡Bellas!” (Beautiful!)
“We need to get out of here before the giants show up,” Levy yells over the crowd, “Or we’ll turn into sad, salty sardines.”
Beatrice turns, she clicks her tongue but no sound is heard. “Don’t start with the alliteration!”
Levy huffs. “Sad, salty, sassy, sultry, stacked sardines!”
“Stop rambling, you idiot!”
The sudden noise of compressed air bursts throughout the plaza making everyone jolt in place. All taken aback by the unexpected noise as pyrotechnic charges start to set off the fuses spread throughout the classical buildings around them. One of Levy’s hands comes to his heart, his eyebrows shooting up to heights that used to be improbable in Ava’s head.
Beatrice’s alarmed face comes close. Hands urgently seeking her, bringing their bodies near one another. Her girlfriend doesn’t know what’s happening—how silly everything is about to become around them. Her first instincts are always to protect, especially in a crowd like this.
“It’s okay,” Ava says calmly, close to Beatrice’s ear. “It’s just—”
The people burst into cheers again as white and red confetti begins to cascade and slowly rain down all around them.
With the crowd distracted Ava tugs on Beatrice’s neck, bringing their foreheads close. The world appears to stop as their breaths intermingle. Waiting. The small pieces of paper drifting in slow motion, catching in their hair, clinging to their outfits, and brushing against their cheeks.
Beatrice nods in understanding, but doesn’t pull away. Still distressed.
Neither of them pull away. It’s as if they’re the only people in existence. Then, slowly, softly they’re laughing against each other’s mouths, the backdrop behind them heightening the storm of their emotions. Both looking at each other’s lips. Anticipating a kiss.
There’s nothing stopping them. They could do it right now if they wanted to, in front of all these people.
The moment their lips meet, it’s sweet and unhurried. They’re careful of each other’s makeup. Only pressing softly against the other’s lips. She giggles, kissing at Beatrice’s dimple, and then coming in for seconds, lingering a little longer this time.
When they break apart and Ava can properly see her girlfriend’s face again, this time unobstructed by the paper explosion around them, a radiant smile is tugging at her lips, all toothy and charming.
A piece of confetti has stubbornly found its perch on one of Ava’s eyelids. Beatrice’s hand comes to it, delicately plucking it off and then blowing it away with a slow exhale.
“The stupid giants are coming!” Levy breaks them from their spell, pulling at her train.
Then, the mass of people begin to shove and gather closer in order to get a good view of the incoming gengants.
Si hay amor, tu alma renacerá
(If there is love your soul will be reborn)
Si hay amor, el corazón vencerá
(If there is love, the heart will conquer all)
Siempre posibilidad
(Always possibilities)
No dudes mas
(No more doubting)
Todo se alcanzará
(Everything will be achieved)
The noise from the festival morphs into that of the glitz and glamour of the event and the red carpet before them. Journalists shouting over each other as they ask attendees questions. Always the same: which designer are you wearing, are you performing tonight, what are your plans after the show. Camera flashes pulsing and bouncing back from the windows of the buildings nearby. Fans being held back by temporary barriers and security on high alert for any misconduct.
Alice waves at them in acknowledgment, between dabbing at Camila’s cheeks with a tissue and dusting off Todd’s suit. They wave as well. Camila and Todd’s faces morph into obvious relief at the sight of them. “I’ve already arranged for you guys to skip the red carpet. They’ll pull you through—”
Ava brings her hand up. “That’s okay, we’ll do the carpet,” turning to look at Beatrice for confirmation before continuing, “There’s enough time.”
Alice arches her eyebrow. “Ava,” tugging at her arm, “I don’t need to remind you that you’re opening—”
“We’ll be quick,” Beatrice says, brooking no further argument. She holds Ava’s hand in her own. Strong. Mind already set on the task before them.
Levy releases Ava’s train, patting it a few times and quickly scanning both of them for anything out of place. He dislodges the last of the white and red confetti stuck to their outfits, then, with a satisfied breath, fixes his own suit. Alice extends Beatrice’s hat to him and he pins it at an angle, making sure to show off the carnations at the side of her bun.
All through this Ava watches on as Beatrice looks at the red carpet and then back to her, determination clear.
As they step onto the carpet hand in hand, the camera flashes become more incessant, making it hard to see more than a few metres in front of them. The noise grows exponentially louder too as journalists notice their arrival. All vying to yell out questions at them in the hopes of receiving an answer. They don’t stop for longer than a few seconds. There isn’t time to. Alice ushers them forward, and Levy does the same behind them with Camila and Todd.
One of the journalists directs their question to her, but remains mindful of Beatrice beside her, greeting the both of them. “¿Ava, Beatrice cantará hoy contigo?” (Ava, will Beatrice sing with you today?)
“No, esta noche no.” (No, not tonight, no.)
A frown then, an animated, “Nos morimos por escucharlas cantar juntas.” (We’re dying to hear you sing together.)
Beatrice smiles and says, “Quizás pronto” (Maybe soon), catching the journalist by surprise.
The journalist recovers quickly enough, this time addressing both of them. “Qué bueno finalmente verlas a ambas juntas.” (It’s good to finally see you both together.) They smile as the journalist continues, “¿Qué esperan ver esta noche?” (Is there anything you’re looking forward to seeing tonight?)
Ava stays quiet, allowing Beatrice the chance to answer the question first. Hand now coming up to rest upon Beatrice’s lower back, stroking gently with her thumb in encouragement.
“Estoy esperando con ansias el número de Ava.” (I’m yearning to see Ava’s performance.)
“Vaya. La novia es una habladora muy suave.” (Wow. The girlfriend sure knows how to smooth talk.) They all laugh at Beatrice’s eagerness. “¿Y Ava?” (And Ava?)
“Bueno, definitivamente quiero oír a David Bisbal cantar.” (Well, I definitely want to hear David Bisbal sing.)
“¿Ah, sí? Creo que pasó por aquí hace unos segundos.” (Oh, yes? I think he passed by here a few seconds ago.)
Beatrice huffs a petulant little huff next to her. Eyes darting to the red carpet ahead of them. Acquiring her target. But it’s as they’re nearing the final stretch of journalists and cameras that Beatrice leans in and whispers, “There goes your future husband. Him and his beautiful curls.”
It’s meant to be a tease. Beatrice is being adorably cheeky.
It’s on the tip of her tongue, the reply she wants to give. No, there’s only one person I want to marry.
But she can’t. She shouldn’t. Right?
Instead, she tugs Beatrice back against her. “No,” she says, eyes staring deep into Beatrice’s startled ones, tone devoid of any ambiguity, “Unfortunately, he’s already married.”
The cameras all catch Beatrice’s exasperated groan and the roll of her eyes.
Si tengo fe podré cantar
(With faith, I will sing)
Con la verdad podré volar
(With the truth, I will fly)
Siempre hay milagros que surgirán si hay amor
(Miracles will always arise if there is love)
Sueños que son realidad
(Dreams that have become reality)
Serán nuestros por la eternidad
(They will be ours for all eternity)
Con la paciencia todo vendrá, si hay amor
(With patience everything will come if there is love)
—
“Alright, now that we’re alone…” Camila “whispers”, leaning forward in her chair conspiratorially, “Spill. What has Ava been working on this whole time?”
“I—”
Todd’s face comes into view from behind Camila. “I’m right he—”
So he can speak.
Camila places the tip of her finger upon Todd’s barely parted lips. “Be quiet Todd! Don’t ruin this for me!” She takes a moment to settle herself, then faces Beatrice again, eyes more determined than before. “Come on! I know you know something.”
Beatrice laughs. But the moment the chuckle slips out, she regrets it. Camila is narrowing her eyes, a degree a millisecond. Getting narrower and narrower the longer she takes to answer. “I actually don’t know. She’s been pretty tight lipped about it and any time I ask she gets this panicked look.”
“Ava’s nervous about performing it?”
“I don’t think so. Not from what I’ve gathered. Excited, mostly.” Come to think of it, Ava had barely mentioned the performance beyond extending the invitation to the event. Which was all done in a very thought out way and presented to Beatrice like a well rehearsed TED talk. Almost like Ava had anticipated all of Beatrice’s questions and beat her to them. The funny thing was, she didn’t have any questions and only had one answer to give. Her acceptance had been followed by countless hours of drilling by Ava’s public relations team on what to expect, which journalists to watch out for, and how to reply, but not about the performance itself. “I thought maybe you knew something, you’ve been behaving rather strangely recently.”
Camila’s eyes bulge. “Me? Behaving weirdly?! Why would you say that? That’s such a funny thing to say, Beatrice.” She slaps at Beatrice’s arm a few times, breathing in like a fish out of water and continues, “I’ve been perfectly myself, thank you very much.”
Now her eyes are narrowing. “Camila, I’m only teasing.”
Relief oozes out of Camila. “Oh thank God, okay.”
Beatrice takes the moment of quiet that Camila—weirdly—offers to truly take in the grandeur of the theatre around them and the size of the audience that has gathered. As she angles her body and cranes her neck from side to side, the opulent horseshoe shape is an incredible expanse to take in, with its five balconies and breathtaking ornate ceiling. The gold gilding is everywhere she looks. From the moldings, balconies, railings and around each private box. The deep red of the velvet seats and curtains creating the perfect contrast.
It’s impossible to resist the urge to look up, and when she does she’s immediately taken aback by the detailed carvings, sculptural reliefs and elaborate plasterwork that covers the ceiling above them. The post-modern baroque style is dramatic and on full display. There’s eight immense oculi mirrors that reflect back the red and gold of the theater, with a center dome anchoring the extravagant allegorical ornamentation and housing the chandelier.
Levy’s enthusiastic wave catches her eye from the second level and Alice, who is sitting beside him, throws out a few gang signs and sticks out her tongue for good measure. Beatrice waves back at Levy, then pulls down the bottom of her lower eyelid followed by poking out her tongue at Alice.
The dome begins to dim and the chatter dies down around the theater. Lights around the proscenium arch gradually recede back, creating an intimate mood. And then, all at once everyone inside the theater is enveloped into complete darkness.
As they sit there in silence, only the steps coming from backstage are heard.
One of the oculi above retracts and a singular light source lowers itself, focusing on stage left.
(*)(*)
A flamenco guitar begins to play offstage and it’s enough for the audience around them to start clapping enthusiastically to the beat of the bulería. Beatrice’s hands shoot up instantly, joining in as well.
Ava emerges, her voice strong and steady as she immediately sets the tone of the performance. There are no lyrics initially, just an improvised run coming straight from the imaginary force propelling her towards the stage. The train of her dress and spotlight madly keeping up with the strength of her steps.
Qué suerte la que yo tuve
(How lucky I was)
El día que la encontré
(The day I found her)
Lo he señalaíto a punta de navaja, prima, sobre la paré)
(I was found at the point of a blade perfectly against the wall)
Lo he señalaíto a punta de navaja, prima, sobre la paré
The proscenium arch lights slowly begin to glow again, creating a frame around the stage—the illusion of the fourth wall—focusing the audience’s attention. Ava at the center, is now joined by palmeros and guitarists as they take their seats a few metres behind her. Four women with microphones, all wearing red flamenco dresses, take their place around Ava. The backdrop behind them is that of a clear night sky, with only small specks of light to represent stars.
Como las hoja' de un cuchillo brillaban los sacáis suyo' cuando le di el anillo
(Like the blade of a knife her eyes shimmered when I gave her the ring)
Brillaban los sacái'
(Eyes shimmered)
Brillaban los sacái'
Brillaban los sacáis suyo'
(Her eyes shimmered)
Brillaban los sacái'
Brillaban los sacái'
Que brillanan sus sacái'
(How her eyes shimmered)
Wait.
She was following along, well sort of, up to this point. Beatrice inclines herself ever so slightly to whisper into Camila’s ear. “What does that mean?”
“What?” Camila hisses back at the interruption.
“What Ava just said. Sak—sakaa—iii—”
“Shhh!”
“Camila—tell me—”
“SHHH!”
Ava raises her free hand and addresses the audience, momentarily breaking the illusion.
Si hay alguien que aquí se oponga que no levante la vo'
(If anyone here objects don’t raise your voice)
Que no lo escuche la novia
(Don’t let the bride hear you)
Camila’s head minutely turns to her. And she has the overwhelming urge to ask what the fuck is happening. And why Ava is seemingly looking in their direction. What did the word mean? Actually, what did any of these words mean? She has learned the language Goddamn it, what do you mean she now has to learn to interpret it as well?
Novia means girlfriend. Girlfriend lifting her voice? Not listening?
Beatrice’s mind is attempting in real time to give context to the words she knows but can’t draw any meaning from.
Que no salga la luna, que no tiene pa qué
(Moon, don’t appear, there’s no reason to)
No tiene pa qué, no tiene pa qué
(No reason to, no reason to)
Con tus ojito', prima, yo me alumbraré
(With your moon like eyes I will light my way)
Que no salga la luna, que no tiene pa qué
Que no tiene pa qué, no tiene pa qué, no tiene pa qué
Con tus ojito', prima, yo me alumbraré
Que no salga la luna, que no tiene pa qué
Que no tiene pa qué, no tiene pa qué, no tiene pa qué
Con tus ojito', prima, yo me alumbraré
The women step in four different directions away from Ava. Each bursting into an expressive dance with intricate footwork, all weaved around the art of emotional storytelling. Where there is synchronicity and precision in the women, there is spontaneity in Ava. She’s striking the floor with her heels, toes, and soles, creating a complex pattern that blends with the sudden shift in music. Free hand doing sweeping and circular motions, fingers and wrist unfurling gracefully to imitate smoke rising. Ava’s silver bracelet reflecting back the lights above outward to the audience.
Qué bonita está mi novia, que se merece un trono ¡Reina!
(How beautiful my bride looks, she deserves a throne. Queen!)
Coroná de brillante'
(Crowned brilliantly)
Con perla' y oro
(With pearls and gold)
Coroná de brillante'
Con perla' y oro
Ava holds herself proudly, shoulders back, a strong posture projecting strength and elegance.
Beatrice remembers those nights years ago, Ava on the floor of her flat, excitedly jumping from video to video. Teaching her about flamenco. Really teaching her. When the singer holds herself like this, she had said, pointing at the woman in the video holding herself exactly as Ava is now in front of her, it means she has the urge to release her emotions.
Quiera o no quiera, lo quiera ella o no quiera
(Whether she wants it or not, whether she does or doesn’t)
Va a estar conmigo hasta que se muera (es lo que hay)
(She will remain with me until she dies) (It’s what it is)
Ava had stood at some point, blanket forgotten as she rushed to the TV and jumped in excitement. The hair thing! She had said and Ava nodded eagerly. You know, that only really happens when the performance is meaningful, it’s a moment of passion, the ultimate form of expression.
Ava closes her eyes and reaches to the clasp holding her low bun. The carnations fall to the floor as her loose hair cascades down in waves.
Clava’ de plata
(A Silver bracelet)
Clava’ de plata
Sin decir na, a mí me ha jurao que ella por mí se mata
(Without saying a thing, she swore, for me she would destroy herself)
Sin decir na, a mí me ha jurao que ella por mí se mata
With her eyes now open, Ava gathers her hair and smiles. It can mean a lot of things, heartbreak, anger, or complete happiness, Ava had clarified as the singer picked up her hair, twisting it around and around.
Beatrice sits back in her chair, utterly captivated by Ava’s enchanting voice. The raw emotions trigger all manner of memories. All culminating in the one that started it all. The day she first heard Ava sing and how taken aback she had been then. How Ava’s voice had tangled itself inside her and still continues to today.
The four singers walk back to Ava as she spins in place, winding her gathered mane in circles above her.
Que toma, que toma, que toma, que toma, toma, toma
(Take it, take it, take it, take it, take, take)
A la virgencita de la Mercé un rezo
(A prayer to the virgin Mercé)
Penitencia pagó, que por sus beso'
(Penance I’ll pay for her kisses)
Penitencia pagó, que por sus beso'
Girlfriend—Beatrice recalls later that evening when her senses are not being overwhelmed by everything around her and they’re all mingling and celebrating the success of the event—can also mean bride.
Ava is tugging her excitedly along as they move around the after party.
“La novia!” Arch nemesis David Bisbal says as they pass by him and his beautiful curls—hand in hand with his wife.
Ava smiles widely in confirmation, spreading her arms and fingers out as if presenting a work of art, “La novia!” Eyes adoringly on Beatrice and Beatrice alone.
—
Beatrice holds her breath as she gently rotates the door knob and eases the door open, millimetre by millimetre.
Thankfully, the door hinges do not squeak and alert the inhabitant.
The shutters are open and there’s just enough light coming through the window—as night begins to give way to dawn—to highlight Ava’s sleeping figure on the bed.
The bedspread has slipped sometime during the night and only half covers her body.
Ava’s in her favourite sleeping position, sprawled out across the middle of the bed on her tummy, head nestled in the space between both of their pillows and face turned towards the door. Her hair has fallen forward and is covering much of her features. Left arm flung outwards and resting in the space that would normally be occupied by Beatrice. Even without the benefit of seeing it, Beatrice knows that Ava’s right hand is tucked beneath her own pillow.
Ava jerks awake in shock at the sensation of Beatrice sliding into bed beside her.
“Shhh, it’s okay, go back to sleep,” Beatrice whispers, gathering Ava’s form into her arms and tugging her close, their heads moving to share the same pillow.
“Bea?”Ava croaks out, her eyes barely opening and squinting in confusion, already shifting closer out of habit and reaching out to fist her hands into Beatrice’s sleep shirt. “What? What are you doing home already? What time is it?”
“It’s just after 6 am, I caught an earlier flight out,” Beatrice gently massages her fingers into the nape of Ava’s neck, tickling over the fine baby hairs present there. The relaxing motion and pressure doing its job of lulling Ava back to sleep. “Shhh, just sleep, it’s okay.”
The last thing that Ava manages to mumble before her eyes slowly blink close—small snores emitting from her slightly opened mouth is a quiet but clear, “Welcome home.”
A sudden wave of contentment overwhelms Beatrice quite unexpectedly.
Home.
As she had taken her final bows and looked out at the screaming fans, the prevailing thought had not been bittersweet feelings at the end of yet another tour; gratitude; or even relief; no, instead all she had felt was elation at getting to head home to Ava. Anticipation at the stretch of downtime before them.
Beatrice had all but torn off her tour outfit, bid a quick goodbye to the rest of the band and the crew—having taken the time earlier in the day to thank them all individually for sticking with The Cruciforms for the entirety of the tour, and then rushed into the car waiting to speed through traffic to Changi Airport. She had spent the entirety of the 14 hour flight wide awake, daydreaming of everything before them––to make good on that promise of seeing Yasmine’s jazz band, and how fun it’ll be to follow Ava around on tour when the time comes.
Now laying here with a slumbering Ava wholly ensconced in her arms, faces mere centimeters apart on the pillow, and each breath that Ava exhales fanning out over Beatrice’s face, everything feels so so right. It feels like she’s finally where she belongs.
Tracking her eyes over the delicate features of her girlfriend’s face, gazing upon her whole world, before nuzzling closer and dropping a barely there kiss upon the slope of Ava’s nose, Beatrice too succumbs to the warmth of their bed covers, the familiar mattress, and the comfort of being back home with Ava.
When Beatrice next awakens, the October morning sunshine is already streaming through the windows and bathing the bedroom in a pale golden light. Ava is still pressed close when Beatrice’s eyelashes flutter open, blearily blinking away the few hours of rest, but it’s evident that Ava’s been awake for some time now. Her eyes are alert and focused intently on Beatrice’s face, a slight furrow to her brows marring her features as she appears to be in deep contemplation.
A wide smile overtakes Ava’s face as she registers that Beatrice is awake, joy abundantly clear in her expression, “Amor, good morning.”
Beatrice suppresses a yawn as she awakens further, smiling back at Ava in turn. “Good morning my love. What’s got you so deep in thought this early in the morning?”
A wispy laugh answers Beatrice’s question. Ava’s eyes briefly cut away from her face to glance behind her towards the bedroom door before Ava shrugs her shoulders, “Nothing really. Are you hungry? I picked up some groceries yesterday before I came home.”
Beatrice briefly purses her lips at the obvious deflection.
In its usual traitorous way, Beatrice’s stomach rumbles audibly at that exact moment.
Ava throws her head back in a loud peal of laughter at the timing, exposing the column of her throat. “The beast has spoken.”
“I love you,” the words bubble out of Beatrice’s mouth without thinking, second nature by now. “I really really love you.”
“Bea. I’m so in love with you. I don’t think there are enough words to describe how much I love you.” Their foreheads creep forward just a tad until they’re touching, Beatrice’s hand coming up to cup Ava’s cheek, gently tugging her chin to seal their lips together with a solid pressure. Their lips move against each other with a practiced ease, intimately familiar with the lip line, plush and plump at the cupid’s bow and the gentle contour out to the outside corners.
Long moments pass where the only sound in the bedroom is the rustle of the bedsheets and the small murmurs escaping their mouths as they press their lips together over and over again.
Eventually, Beatrice’s stomach makes its protests known, angrily growling out again into the quietness of the bedroom. Ava’s lips begin to shake against hers, breaking out into laughter; loud and intense, so much so that her eyes crease at the corners. She wishes she could fake at being affronted but can’t bring herself to, helpless against the sheer adoration of Ava that engulfs her whole being. “Lucky me.”
With one final firm kiss, Ava swings a leg over Beatrice’s hips and clambers across her to get out of their bed, making sure to turn back and smooth the covers over Beatrice again before she leaves the bedroom.
Ava must turn on the speakers on her way to the kitchen because Beatrice finds herself whistling along to the plucking of the guitar strings.
(*)(*)
Just imagine, we woke up in paradise
Don't need magic, let my force just carry us home
Home tonight
Lying in bed for a few seconds longer, and looking around their bedroom, Beatrice’s eyes catch upon all the little additions Ava has made since moving in: the wooden heirloom jewelry box sitting atop the desk, the cheerful yellow ceramic mushroom nestled amongst the bookshelves and perched next to a Totoro figurine, several of Ava’s own well-worn and dog-eared books, and all the way down to the pair of discarded socks on the floor beside their bed.
On the table is the picture of them together at the Grammys rehearsals, with a polaroid of them posing next to the Fearless Girl wedged into the frame. And back in its rightful spot on the wall by Ava’s side of the bed, is the watercolour painting of the Champs-Élysées at nighttime. Ava’s first ever present to her.
Future’s golden, don't let go, don't give it up
Just keep holding, even when you’ve had enough
I, I will be your light
As the strumming of the chords continue and the chorus starts, Beatrice finally gets out of bed, shuffling out of the bedroom and towards Ava.
When you’re low, I'll lead you home, Chariot
Take you back to where you're from, Chariot
The bouquet of pink flowers centred on top of the coffee table catches Beatrice’s attention as she walks through the living room.
She enters the kitchen to Ava swaying along to the song, all while she scrambles eggs in a bowl. Bacon already sizzling away in a frypan. Cute.
One step forward, on the road ahead of us
Don't look back, no
You just need a bit of luck
Ohh, ohh, tonight
“What are the flowers for?” Beatrice loudly questions, raising her voice to be heard over the volume of the music, Ava persisting with her habit of blasting it at ungodly levels.
At that, Ava turns to her, already aiming the remote at the speaker system to turn down the music, a playful huff emitting from her lips and a glare narrowing her eyes.
“They’re Nerines, also called Guernsey Lilies. Luce recommended them last night when I swung by the shop. And they were supposed to be for a certain someone when I picked her up from the airport later today. When she was actually scheduled to land, instead of creeping in and startling me half to death.” Ava twirls closer, crowding into Beatrice and plopping a kiss onto her cheek, “Have I told you yet that I’m so happy you’re back early?”
Beatrice bodily shrugs, shoulders coming up to meet her ears, a rueful grin on her face, “Is it too sappy to say, I didn’t want to wait any longer to see you? I just jumped onto the first available flight after the concert ended.”
When you're low, I'll lead you home, Chariot
Take you back to where you're from, Chariot
When you're low, I’ll lead you home, Chariot
Take you back to where you’re from, Chariot
Ava’s pouring olive oil into another frypan now, waiting a few moments for the oil to heat before dumping the scrambled eggs in after it.
There's something so utterly mundane about the activity, something so wonderful about the mundanity of it all that Beatrice has to swallow down the sudden lump in her throat at the sight. Clearing her throat quickly, she asks, “What do the lilies mean? And is there anything I can do to help?”
Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah
Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah
When you’re low, I’ll lead you home, Chariot
“They’re supposed to symbolise resilience and beauty in adversity. Something about purity and rebirth.” Ava is making her concentrated face, pinched eyebrows meeting at the middle and staring down at the eggs as she soft scrambles them with a spatula, almost absentmindedly answering Beatrice, “And yes please, can you toast the sourdough and make drinks?”
“Cafesito, okay?”
Ava hums in reply.
Take you back to where you’re from, Chariot
Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah
As they continue to comfortably bustle past each other in the kitchen in relative silence, the gentle guitar strings of the next song, Let Me Let You Go, begin.
(*)(*)
Beatrice follows the steps exactly as Ava had done a few minutes before. “Like this?” she asks, concentrating hard on mixing the sugar and the crema.
Ava nods into Beatrice’s back, looping her arms around her waist. “Are your arm muscles burning?”
“Yes.”
“If it’s not burning you’re doing it wrong.”
“It’s burning!”
As Beatrice frantically whips the sugar and crema, fighting hard to ignore the burn and strain in her forearm, she asks, “Did the meeting go well?”
The whipping comes to a screeching halt when Ava hums noncommittally in reply, busy seasoning the eggs with crumbled feta and red pepper flakes.
“Ava? Did they not agree?” Beatrice’s tone spikes in volume, concern apparent. Heart rate hammering away now.
At Beatrice’s obvious worry, Ava promptly swings away from the stove and towards her, approaching with big, rapid steps and places a hand on Beatrice’s tense forearm. Eyebrows furrowed, this time in alarm.
“Wh—Bea, my love. Yes, of course, they agreed to the move. Were…were you worried? You were concerned that they wouldn’t let me move here? You hadn’t—you didn’t tell me you were nervous. I would’ve told you it wasn’t going to be an issue.”
Beatrice feels her shoulders relax infinitesimally at the conviction in Ava’s reply, loosening a small breath, “I’m not sure? I think I was a little apprehensive when you said that all the studio executives wanted to meet with you to discuss it. But I didn’t realise I was actually anxious about it until just now. When it seemed like they didn’t say yes.”
“Bea.” Ava crowds closer, moving in so that her face is all that Beatrice can see. “Listen to me, please. I’m going to be living here. Yes, I might have to fly back and forth a bit as needed but I am going to be based out of London for as long as we—you want me to be here. Nothing they said was going to change that.” Ava gives her forearm a gentle squeeze. “I need you to tell me in the future if you’re worried about anything. Ever. Even just a little bit.”
Beatrice nibbles briefly at the side of her lip, a smidgen of hesitation remaining. “What would have happened if they had said no? What will happen if there’s something in the future that they don’t like? They’re still a predominantly Latin-centric label.”
Ava leans in, shifting her body weight onto Beatrice for support and brings her mouth up to Beatrice’s ear, whispering “Les hubiera dicho que se fueran a chupar las pollas.” (I would have told them to go suck their dicks.)
“Ava! No seas vulgar!” (Ava! Don’t be vulgar!) Beatrice yelps, only minorly scandalised now at her girlfriend’s constant cheekiness.
Drawing back from her ear, Ava’s grinning face and twinkling eyes fills Beatrice’s perspective again.
Leaning in, Ava punctuates every word with a kiss upon Beatrice’s lips. “Me [kiss] necesitan [kiss] más [kiss] de [kiss] lo [kiss] que [kiss] yo [kiss] los [kiss] necesito [kiss] a [kiss] ellos [kiss]. Y siempre te necesitaré más. So stop worrying.” (They need me more than I need them. And I’ll always need you more.)
As they sit down to eat at the dining table, Ava spears at a single rasher of bacon before pushing the rest of the plate towards her. Beatrice shoots her a look, pushing it back to her.
Ava sighs with a shake of her head and pushes the plate back again. “I can’t. I have to go to the gym soon. François is forcing me to strength train after cardio.” At that, Ava pitches up her voice into an exaggeration of an outraged Frenchman, “A-vah! You cannot go on tour like zis. Your muscles are non-exiztant! You are weak, weak! Tu me casses les couilles.” (You’re breaking my balls.)
Beatrice tries and fails to suppress her snort. “François does not sound like that. Besides, I told you, if you just kept on top of your fitness then you wouldn’t need to get punished by a personal trainer to prepare for the tour. I keep asking you to train with me.”
“You and I know that I have other motives if I exercise with you and eventually we are going to get arrested for public indecency. And I think you might drop dead from the impropriety of it all if that happens.” Ava pauses dramatically, and draws her hand across the air for effect, “‘Ava Silva and Beatrice Young. Caught with their pants down’ Or or! How about, ‘Ava Silva Topfff—’” Ava’s words die out with a muffled sputter as Beatrice leans across the table to slap a gentle palm over Ava’s mouth, silencing her.
“Don’t finish the rest of that sentence. But also who said you would be?”
Ava’s eyebrows dance upwards in delight, right before Beatrice feels the soft, wet, and seductively slow drag of Ava’s tongue across the palm of her hand.
—
As Ava sits down onto their foot stool to tug on her running shoes, Beatrice kneels down next to her, already reaching out a helping hand to lace up the running shoes for her. Double knotting them, just in case. “Thank you.” Ava wiggles her toes about in her shoes, flexing her ankles up and down a few times before looking down at her with yet another contemplative look on her face.
Beatrice would ask again what’s going through Ava’s mind but each attempt this morning has been met with Ava skirting around the question and hurriedly changing the topic.
She’s sure Ava will tell her in her own time. Maybe.
In the next instance, Ava’s scrambling up from the foot stool and pushing her down onto it, then sinking down on both knees next to her. She nudges a few pairs of shoes on the shelf to the side and emerges victorious with Beatrice’s Chucks in hand.
After helping her put her shoes on, Ava bounces back onto her feet and reaches down a hand to haul her up. All while doing their routine, “Hoodies…check! Beanies…check! Beautiful novia…check!” They meet in the middle for a lingering peck, noses nuzzling against each other.
They clomp down the stairs, hand in hand, avoiding all the creaks. And when Ava pushes the front door open to the outside world, they’re met with a gust of swirling wind, carrying dry and brittle leaves—a mixture of yellow, red and browns—rustling through the air. The branches of the neighbourhood trees shake vigorously in the breeze, some already patchy and bare, others still carrying swathes of vivid green leaves.
Ava’s already turning back to her within a few steps, hands coming up to pull the coat tighter around her neck and fussing over the collar. “Bea, should we go back and get you a scarf? I don’t want you getting sick. You’ve gone straight from hot and humid to this.”
Beatrice drops a kiss onto Ava’s upturned face, catching her just in the sunken hollow between Ava’s eye and nose, gently easing her hands away from her neck. “Ava, my love. We haven’t even left the property yet. And I’m fine, I grew up here, remember? If there’s anyone we should be concerned about catching a cold, shouldn’t it be you?”
Ava rolls her eyes, oh so charmingly. “Trust me, I’m never going to get used to this weather.”
“Un día, vas a rotar los ojos tan fuerte que se te quedarán pegados así.” (One day, you’re going to roll your eyes so hard that they’ll get stuck that way.)
“Have you been speaking to abuela again!?”
—
After cheerfully depositing a gloomy Ava at the gym, a petulant pout on her face even as she turned and headed into the heaving, sweaty, bombastic environment of the gym and François’ clutches, Beatrice doesn’t turn towards home.
No. She chooses to delay her nap, and enjoy the freedom to wander. The simple enjoyment of having no pressing schedule to rush off to.
Glancing into her reflection in the shop window, she takes the opportunity to adjust the blue beanie on her head, pulling it down more snugly around her ears. Everyone is bustling around, busily going about their day. Paying no mind to Beatrice in her nondescript black woolen coat.
The blustery wind funnels through the street causing Beatrice to dig her chin deeper into the collar of the coat, tucking her hands deeper into the pockets. Her fingers brush against a crumpled piece of paper. Several. She digs out the papers with the tips of her fingers. Peers down at them and fondly shakes her head. Ava. It’s a collection of receipts and a chocolate wrapper.
The Autumn weather is bringing back memories. She can scarcely believe it’s been four years.
Even then, it had been near impossible to fight the constant urge to be around Ava, the pull to see her. Oh, but she had tried to fight it. She can’t fight back the loud guffaw that falls out of her mouth at the thought. Shaking her head to herself. If anything, the want to be around Ava has only increased exponentially with time. Now, it’s a need, intrinsic to her soul.
The man walking next to her startles at her loud laughter, visibly jumping away from the crazy lady. His quickening strides carry him away from her as fast as his legs will allow.
A shopfront displaying a collection of antique clocks, from brass table ones to carved wooden cuckoo clocks catches her attention. It’s been almost 90 minutes. Ava should be finishing up by now.
Ava’s cheeks are ruddy when she exits via the glass door, strands of hair haphazardly stuck on her forehead and beads of sweat still forming at her temples. It’s all ridiculously attractive. Her face instantly brightens as she spots Beatrice loitering underneath the street lamp, a beam overtaking her visage but no shout is forthcoming. Ava hustles towards her, walking quickly, but careful not to draw too much attention to themselves. She’s draping herself onto Beatrice as soon as she gets within touching distance.
“Bea! I didn’t expect—why didn’t you go take a nap?” Ava’s eyes, the tiny fine lines at the corner of her eyes so evident up close—deepen and loosen as they move, tracking Beatrice’s face closely. Looking for every minute expressive detail on her face.
Ava has always been like this. As attuned to her body language and facial expressions as one can be, looking for clues of what Beatrice might not or won’t express.
She fights down the urge to shy away from the scrutiny, the vulnerability at being so seen, so known.
It’s okay with Ava. She’s safe with Ava. In Ava’s hold.
“I just wanted to walk around, take in the sights. The weather’s making me reminisce about how far we’ve come. I feel a little sentimental.” She draws up. “Don’t ever tell Lilith I said that, she’ll mock me for getting old. But it got me thinking about how different life is now.”
“For the better?” Ava whispers out, her gaze suddenly very intent and serious. Eyes dark.
Okay. Strange.
Beatrice thinks to ask but stops herself. Ava will tell her. Instead she nods in reply, “Yes, Ava. Of course, for the better.”
The seriousness in Ava disappears as swiftly as it came. “I’m hungry,” she declares.
“Want to get bánh mì? I—” Beatrice gets cut off by the truly indecent moan Ava lets out at the mention of bánh mì.
Ava’s already towing her in the direction of their favourite Vietnamese bakery. “How could you mention that? Now we have to get it. But you’re going to have to explain to François how I just ate back all the calories I just burned.”
“François can, in the nicest of ways, go take a hike. You’re perfect just the way you are.”
“Beatrice! Language.”
—
Sitting crossed legged at the coffee table, they wolf down their bánh mìs. Both dropping flakes of the crispy crust everywhere.
As Ava heads off to shower Beatrice grabs the vacuum, methodically and thoroughly passing it around the coffee table and back towards the kitchen through their bread crumb trail.
By the time that Ava exits the bathroom, Beatrice has laid down on their couch with her hands loosely clasped atop her tummy. She peeks her eyes open as Ava passes by, still running a towel through her wet locks.
“I’m going to start the laundry, okay? Do I just wash all the clothes in your suitcase?”
“Mhmm. Yes, please,” Beatrice mutters sleepily.
As the pulsing sound of water being piped into the washing machine resonates across their flat she hears the soft padding of Ava re-entering the living room and walking towards her. She is cognisant that she’s teetering on the precipice of sleep, breaths evening out and deepening.
“—bed, Bea?”
When she doesn’t respond, Ava tries again.
There’s a dip in the cushion by her head and followed by an immediate warmth. Ava has sat down by her. “Bea?” This time, Ava waits for her indication that she’s listening. She grunts back in reply. “Why don’t you go sleep in bed?”
A whiney, “Nooo,” comes out of her mouth followed by, “Don’t wanna…I want to stay with you,” the words a slur with her tongue heavy from relaxation.
She compounds her sulky statement by flinging out an arm towards Ava, shaking it about emphatically. She can practically hear the eyeroll before Ava’s hand descends upon the skin of her arm, lightly scratching up and down.
Beatrice is jostled again from the verge of sleep when Ava shifts to get up from the couch. This time not bothering to bite back the loud growl of frustration that falls from her mouth.
Ava’s tone is tinged with an irritating amount of amusement even as a cool hand comes down to smooth the hair back from her forehead as she says, “Just a second. I’m going to grab a book and blanket.” Then Ava’s back, propping Beatrice’s head up to slide underneath and shifting to adjust Beatrice’s head comfortably in her lap before draping the blanket over their bodies.
Beatrice blindly reaches up and feels around, hand patting around until she meets her target, pulling Ava’s arm to rest across her chest, hand encircling Ava’s wrist. The last thing she vaguely remembers murmuring as she finally succumbs to sweet sweet slumber is a delirious, “Can I keep you?”
Ava whispers a reply that she cannot comprehend.
When she wakes up, she wakes up from one of those sleeps that has only ever been possible with Ava around. There’s a thin wet trail down the corner of her mouth and the collar of her t-shirt is ever so slightly damp. Her head is still pillowed on Ava’s lap, the fragrance of their laundry powder and Ava’s own scent filling her senses.
Beatrice brings a single hand up to rub at her eyes, clearing the last of the drowsiness and briefly brushing at the drool on her cheek and chin.
Glancing upwards, she’s met by Ava’s gaze. An unfocused, intent gaze. Ava is deeply lost in thought, staring unblinkingly at her face. Ava’s book is discarded by the wayside, the spine cracked open and the dust jacket facing upward.
That’s it.
Beatrice tenses her stomach muscles and crunches upwards, sitting up and swinging herself sideways to face Ava in one smooth move. The sudden movement has broken Ava out of her stupor, the startled reaction still flitting across her features by the time Beatrice arranges herself to face Ava.
“Why do you keep looking at me like that?!” Beatrice exclaims, exasperated. Volume perhaps a little too loud for only just woken up and for how quiet the flat is with only the two of them around.
“I—” Ava starts only to be cut off by her.
“And don’t deflect.”
Ava’s eyes slide once again to a space behind her before they shift back to capture Beatrice’s gaze. She knows without looking that Ava’s hands have come together in her lap and that Ava is worrying at the skin by her right thumb. She reaches out a hand to grab at Ava’s hand, stilling it from its nervous movements.
“Are you—” Ava’s voice comes out reedy and thin. She stops, an agitated flush highlighting her cheeks before she clears her throat and tries again. “Beatrice. Are you happy? With me? Or…or just in general. You’d tell me right? If there was anything more that I should be doing? If you weren’t…happy…”, Ava’s voice trails off by the end, quiet and uncertain.
“I’m happy, Ava. Of course I am happy. I’m so ridiculously happy that I couldn’t wait to come back home to you. What’s—is something wrong? Why are you worrying like this? Is there anything more I should be doing?”
Ava’s hand shifts in her grip to fiddle with her bracelet, gently tapping at the jade flower charm and running her finger along the metal. Stalling. “No, Bea. You’re perfect. There’s nothing else you can possibly do. It’s just…everything’s going so well. And I am so—this is beyond my wildest dreams. Getting to be with you. Like this. And I’m just conscious that…” Ava pauses to breathe in deeply, seemingly as if she’s buoying herself to get whatever is on her mind out, “That this might not be what you thought it would be, what you’d hoped for. I wonder sometimes whether what I am offering you, this life, is enough. If it’s what you want. I don’t know. Maybe it’s too soon for you to…but I just wanted to check in and in case…ignore me, I think maybe I’m overthinking a little bit.” Ava laughs but it seems hollow.
“Ava.” Beatrice stops, eyes searching Ava’s. “I don’t know what’s causing you to worry, or…or maybe I do know why, but I don’t want you to dwell on that.” Beatrice pauses to give a quick pulse to the hand still clasped within her own. “I’m happy. I’m beyond happy. I want this, our life now with every fiber of my being. And I don’t know what words to offer you, to tell you, other than…than…te amo, Ava. You are— you feel like…cuando estoy contigo, siento como que finalmente he regresado a casa.” (When I'm with you, I feel like I've finally come home.)
—
Ava feels Beatrice shift again next to her, a sad little huff coming out of her mouth as she turns onto her side, legs restlessly moving beneath the bedspread.
“Still can’t sleep?” Ava whispers as she instinctively reaches out a hand to rest between Beatrice’s shoulder blades, hoping to soothe her restlessness.
Before she makes contact with Beatrice’s clothed back, Beatrice is turning towards her in a flurry, an apologetic look on her face. “I’m so sorry. Did I wake you?”
Ava shakes her head against the pillow. “Amor, what’s wrong? Are you just not sleepy?”
“I just can’t get comfortable and the jetlag is messing with me.” Beatrice rearranges herself again, coming closer to share Ava’s pillow, so close that their noses brush against each other.
They lie comfortably facing one another, for long drawn out minutes, in complete content silence.
When it doesn’t seem like Beatrice is likely to fall asleep, Ava opens her mouth to voice the question that’s been running through her head as she had laid there beside her, wide awake. Listening to Beatrice rustle back and forth.
The mere act of parting her lips snaps Beatrice’s attention to her, eyes locking onto her own. “Want to go for a walk?”
Before she’s finished her question, Beatrice is already nodding eagerly, her crescent eyes making an appearance. “Always, with you.”
“St Dunstan?”
They scramble to get up, throwing aside the bedspread and bounding out of bed towards the closet. They dress quickly in a fit of giggles. Throwing on hoodies over their t-shirts and tugging on sweatpants. There’s some kind of magic in the air. An illicitness to the activity, even as adults, to feel like you are sneaking out of the house at 2am.
The open shutters bathe the living room in moonlight as they open the bedroom door and step out into the short hallway. The moon illuminates everything in its path, from the baby grand piano, to their couch, to the vinyls on the shelves.
Beatrice tows Ava hand in hand through the living room and towards the front door. The two of them continue to giggle as every floorboard is set off beneath their lively footsteps.
As they quickly crouch down to pull on sneakers, Beatrice finally draws up at the sight of the socks that Ava is slipping on. A concerned look crosses her face before she quickly stands, already turning back towards their bedroom and tossing out a simple explanation over her shoulder, “I’m going to get you thicker socks.”
Ava watches her go, Beatrice’s back disappearing into the hallway and turning right into their room.
Her eyes rove and land on the shelves full of vinyls.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Her heartbeat thunders louder and louder in her ears.
Before she’s even aware of it, she’s shot upwards and over to the vinyls. She doesn’t need to look for the placement of the vinyl, having memorised its spot long ago. Ava sneaks a furtive look over her shoulder, ears hyperfocused for the sound of Beatrice’s footsteps. Her clammy hands shake even as she grabs at the vinyl and its plastic covering. Her palm leaves a slightly moist imprint on the plastic as she eases it out of the way, wiggling her other hand into the cavity of the shelf behind it, parting the other records and scooping the walnut brown box into her palm. She quickly pushes Post back into place and tiptoes back to the front door.
Ava’s just managed to slip the ring box into her sweatpant pocket before Beatrice reappears in the hallway. She’s suddenly hyperaware of the ring on her person. Hoping against hope that it’s not obvious to Beatrice that it’s hidden beneath the material of her jacket.
So focused is Ava that she forgets to thank Beatrice as she hands her her pair of thick woolen, pumpkin coloured socks.
It feels like everything’s happening in a vacuum.
The world doesn’t exist outside of the two of them, here and now. Every swallow of her throat sounds through her ears like a clap of thunder. She fights to keep the cadence of her breaths to a regular pace so that she doesn’t catch Beatrice’s attention. The next thing she knows, they’ve made it down the stairs and Beatrice is turning to lock the door behind them.
“Ava? It’s too late to take the train now. We’ll have to get to the main road and grab a taxi, is that okay?” Beatrice’s voice sounds garbled, almost as if she’s speaking underwater.
She doesn’t answer. Focusing instead on the heaviness of the box in her pocket. She looks up. Beatrice is so pretty. Backlit by the moon, large and luminous above them.
“Ava?” Beatrice is speaking again, moving closer now. “Ava?” Her eyebrows are furrowed. So beautiful. “Are you okay? Do you not feel well? We don’t have to go…” her voice trails off as Ava enthusiastically shakes her head.
“I’m fine. I want to go,” her disembodied voice says. She breathes a sigh of relief. She sounds normal. Though, Beatrice doesn’t seem convinced, even as she comes closer and slips a hand into hers. A startled laugh yelps its way out of her mouth. Oops. Beatrice is on the side with the ring. In her panic, she yanks her hand forcefully away from Beatrice’s, dancing forward.
Act normal, act normal, act normal.
She extends her other hand for Beatrice to take. Strange. Their grasp is unnaturally moist. It must just be her. Hopefully Beatrice doesn’t notice and ask about it. She surreptitiously slips her hand out again to wipe it against her jacket before easing it back into Beatrice’s hand, intertwining their fingers.
They walk through the streets, side by side, in complete silence, accompanied only by the rustling of the breeze through the leaves and the echoes of their footsteps. There’s no one else walking around in this quiet pocket of London. They’re alone with their thoughts and their breaths.
The only two in the world right now.
Ava turns her head to catch the elegant side profile of Beatrice, the moon and streetlight casting her with an ethereal glow.
The love of her life.
Do you want to marry me?
Beatrice turns to look at her, catching her gaze and a wide smile splits her face, her dimple making itself apparent.
All Ava can hear is a rushing in her ears.
She looks at her feet, carrying her across the pavement. Its unevenness, raised by the root systems of the nearby trees, makes it difficult to manoeuvre, but Beatrice’s hand is sure in hers. Never letting her waver. Never letting her trip.
Her eyes catch on a familiar curb.
Suddenly, she’s down on her knee.
Oh God. Oh God! OH GOD!
Still clutching tightly to Beatrice’s left hand.
Beatrice turns around to see what’s caused her to stop, her mouth falling open in surprise when she looks at where Ava should be and then the trajectory of her gaze falls downward.
The tears are welling up in the corners of Ava’s eyes and she can feel the emotion threatening to spill out of her, even as she hurriedly pats at her pocket with her left hand, tugging to free the walnut brown box from its confines. She fumbles with the lid one handed, hurriedly propping it open to display the ring to Beatrice.
“Ava…”
“Beatrice,” she croaks out, her voice already wavering. Quickly taking a moment to steady herself, she continues, looking up at Beatrice, “I’ve had this ring for a while now and lately, it’s been harder and harder to remind myself of all the reasons why I should wait. And I know—I know that it might be too soon, that we’ve only been together again for seven months so please know that…that I don’t mean to pressure you. Your answer can be ‘not yet’. Or it can be a ‘no’.”
At that, a wet laugh falls out of her throat.
Beatrice opens her mouth to speak but quickly shuts it again as the rest of the words tumble out of her, “But I really hope it’s not a ‘no’ because you’ve shown me a life that I never knew could be for me and now I can’t fathom going through it without you beside me. I have wished for you with every grape since the year we met.” One last breath, “I want to be able to spend the rest of my life telling you, showing you, every day that I love you. If you’ll have me. So please, Beatrice Young, will you marry me?” She gulps now and waits, the ring box trembling in her palm and still holding on tightly to Beatrice’s left hand.
Beatrice’s eyes are shimmering, tears brimming at the corners, the moonlight above reflecting off the gleam her eyes are creating.
Beatrice smiles, sinking into a crouch opposite Ava.
Ava holds her breath as Beatrice leans forward, navigating past the open box and ring, pressing a lingering kiss against her cheek. Beatrice stays there for a long few seconds, the blinking of her wet eyelashes tickling against Ava’s skin. Meanwhile, her heart is thundering away in her chest. She dares not make a sound.
The night is still around them.
Beatrice’s voice is measured and calm as she says, “Yes, Ava.”
A joyful gasp bubbles into the air between them.
Easing back onto her heels, Ava finally lets go of her tight grasp of Beatrice’s hand and shifts far enough back to pluck the engagement ring out of its cushiony housing, the lid snapping shut with a crisp sound.
Beatrice eagerly shoves her left hand at her, the both of them giggling at the action.
Ava re-takes Beatrice’s left hand—her hand still a little shaky—and leans forward to reverently kiss the ring finger before she, oh so gently, slips the ring up, fitting it snugly into its rightful place.
They rush each other then, their bodies colliding into an all consuming hug on that curb. Kneeling before the other with a promise of forever. Their chests heave against the other with barely contained emotion, all while quiet and joyful tears leak out of their eyes as they bury their faces against the others’ neck and breathe each other in.
Finally, Ava pulls back to survey Beatrice’s face and Beatrice’s left hand with its new adornment. Gleaming in the moonlight.
Her hand comes up to cup Beatrice’s cheek, the pad of her thumb rubbing at the wet trail of tears. Beatrice’s answering smile is as wide as her own. Both unable to stop their grins even as Beatrice reaches out to pull Ava’s face closer and their lips finally meet in a kiss. The kiss is more teeth than it is a kiss. Nevertheless, they do their best, mouths coming together again and again on that London sidewalk with the moon as their witness.
“I love you,” they both say, voices overlapping.
Ava feels like she’s visibly buzzing out of her skin, here in the back of a taxi, pressed tightly against her fiancée. They must look crazed, smiling nonstop at each other, at Beatrice’s hand, at everything.
The taxi driver had clearly been reluctant when they had flagged him down and tumbled into the backseat, loudly asking to be taken to St Dunstan, at an energy level wholly inappropriate for London at 3am. He had gruffly informed them that St Dunstan was closed at this time of the night and then shrugged when they had insisted, immediately setting off into the quiet roads.
He’s been deliberately avoiding any eye contact with them ever since.
Beatrice had been oddly adamant that she still wanted to head to St Dunstan when they had finally collected themselves off the sidewalk and who was she to deny her fiancée?
Fiancée.
She wants to scream it from the rooftops. She still might. Throw a parade to celebrate that Beatrice Young, amazing, talented, kind, perfect Beatrice Young is going to marry her.
Ava clutches Beatrice’s hand all the tighter, leans into her and whispers, “I still can’t believe it.”
Beatrice’s smile is toothy as they both tilt their heads downward to stare at the intricately cut diamond, set in the silver band, resting on Beatrice’s ring finger. Beatrice’s right hand comes over to play with the ring, shifting it about ever so slightly. “Neither can I.”
As they continue to stare down at the ring, she feels Beatrice still for a second, her shoulders straightening ever so slightly. “Ava…you said you’ve had this ring for a while. In February, that day when you came to the flat, did you—was the ring in your pocket? You kept fiddling with something and I’ve just…was it the ring?”
“Yes.” She nods, turning and leaning her head into Beatrice’s upper arm. “I’ve known that I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time, Beatrice. It was with me that day to lend me strength and give me hope.”
Beatrice nods solemnly. She swallows hard, an audible quiver to her voice when she says, “Thank you for not giving up on us.”
When the taxi driver gets near St Dunstan, he pulls over at the corner of Great Tower St and Idol Lane and firmly asks them to get out and walk the rest of the way. Before he departs however, he looks sternly at them from beneath his bushy eyebrows, so reminiscent of Levy’s in another 30 years, and his lips hardset beneath a greying walrus moustache. “I’ll not be party to whatever illegal activities you have planned, you hear? If there are any questions, I don't know what you are up to.”
The tires squeal as he rushes off.
Even at this time of the day, within such proximity to London Bridge, the area is not entirely devoid of activity. They can hear raucous shouting in the distance so the two of them quickly slip down undetected into the dimly lit and silent Idol Lane, and head towards their destination.
Beatrice seems oddly jittery as they stroll hand in hand, her eyes darting around everywhere, ears reacting to every noise.
Like before, the wrought iron gates are shut. Secured by a loose chain and padlock. They work as a team, creating enough of a gap for one to slip through after the other.
As it always does, St Dunstan weaves its magic—the act of passage through the metal gates transporting them away to another world. A world just for the two of them.
Together, they creep along the ruins. The moon is lower in the sky now and its light is partially blocked by the nearby buildings, barely lighting their path and that of the structure and flora around them. The brittle, fallen leaves rustle and crunch underfoot. English ivy continues to grow along the walls, having long ago taken root within its crumbling structure and becoming part of the ruin.
Beatrice halts their forward momentum when the boundary wall comes into sight. As Beatrice turns towards Ava she’s also reaching a hand into the inner pocket of her coat by her chest. Ava can’t quite make it out but she’s got something enclosed in her hand as she pulls it out.
In the next moment Ava’s shocked gasp echoes throughout the quiet courtyard as Beatrice sinks down onto her knee, extending a glittering ring pinched between her thumb and index finger towards her.
Everything else, every other detail recedes. There is only Beatrice, kneeling in front of her.
“Ava Silva. To me, you have always been inevitable. From the moment we met, I have gravitated towards you. You have turned my life upside down and I have been grateful for every second of it as long as I get to do it with you beside me. I once told you that my soul recognises you, and I deeply believe that. That we are meant to be. In this life and always.” Ava holds her breath as Beatrice pauses. Every atom of her being yearning to throw itself forward onto Beatrice. “Will you marry me, Ava?”
She barely manages to avoid cutting Beatrice off, so eager is she to reply.
Beatrice has had a ring. Beatrice has wanted to propose too.
Ava’s loud whoop of a “Yes” is muffled by the sound of a shocked yelp as she tackles Beatrice backwards onto the ground.
—
They haven’t slept. Not really.
Ava’s doing a very bad job at pretending to sleep. Her breathing is choppy and out of sync. With the odd little shake of a foot every so often. And Beatrice will admit that she’s not doing a good job at hiding it either. But they’re both playing along with the charade anyway.
The new sensation on her left hand is sending all sorts of little sparks through her.
Happy and unexpected sparks.
Ava’s breathing shifts as Beatrice runs her thumb up and down Ava’s bare tummy, skin erupting into goosebumps right away.
“You’re awake?” Ava’s voice comes out smooth, no indication of lingering sleep whatsoever.
Beatrice nods against the chest under her.
Ava shifts, dragging a hand down to lift Beatrice’s hand from her stomach. She brushes her lips against the knuckles before pulling upwards, smoothly getting them on the same eye level.
“Good morning,” Beatrice greets contentedly, smushing her cheek into the pillow, incapable of keeping Ava’s eye contact without having to look away with a flush.
Ava chuckles lightly, face nuzzling close, nose languidly running along Beatrice’s cheek. “Why so shy?” she whispers into Beatrice’s ear.
“I’m not.”
“You are. You so are.”
“Nope.”
Ava huffs, pulling their bodies closer. Wrapping her in a vice grip, legs and arms encircling every part of her as Ava drops smooches all along her face and neck until they’re both giggling and out of breath.
The birds outside are chirping lightly, the rustle of the wind carrying their tune through the open window and into the room.
“Is this how you’ll be on our wedding day? All shy and cute?” Ava twists the ring on Beatrice’s finger, “I’d want that.”
“We should get married today, then.”
“Oh?” There’s a playful inflection in Ava’s voice. “Is that what you want?” Teasing her.
Beatrice doesn’t consider her answer at all. And it should scare her. After all, it would have scared her in the past.
“Yes.” It bursts through, forthright and direct.
Ava stops twisting the ring. Going absolutely still beside her. There’s several seconds where no sound is heard from either of them. Not even their breathing.
Ava sits up abruptly, face going from confusion to complete elation within seconds. “Wait—Beatrice, what do you mean?”
She’s up now too. Legs crossed underneath her. Ava’s eyes are roaming every part of her, trying to come to terms with the word that just came out of her mouth and how it translates into her body language. What she meant. Whether she meant it.
“Let’s get married,” Beatrice clarifies, left hand just above Ava’s on the bed, both of their engagement rings clinking together, “If you want that too, of course.”
Ava shifts again, bringing her knees underneath her. An excited little dance just waiting to burst through. “Are you serious?”
“I am. Why wouldn’t I be serio—you—I want to marry you, Ava. Whether it’s today, months or even years from now. Nothing will change that.”
“Beatrice.”
“Ava.”
(*)(*)
Let the bough break, let it come down crashin'
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
They’ve thrown on shirts.
Beatrice doesn’t know why she bothers, but she fluffs the blankets, karate chops the pillows—does everything in her power to not make it seem like they just woke up naked in bed. Ava merely watches on amused, as if the two of them knowing each other biblically isn’t old news to Emilia and Vivian.
Ava is holding her phone in her hands, thumb just above Emilia’s contact. She solemnly declares, “I think this is it. This might be the day Emilia finally kills me.”
Beatrice leans back against the wall, careful not to jostle their beloved painting. Not Ava, who pulls it up and off its hook before throwing it onto the opposite side of the bed without any fanfare. She’s then pulling Beatrice’s arm aside, snuggling close beside her. “Just call her. I don’t think she would want it any other way.”
Ava worries her lip, eyes shifting from between Emilia and Vivian’s contact. She taps Emilia’s name and holds the phone in front of them.
Crap. Her shirt is inside out. Maybe Emilia won't notice.
“Ava, son como las ocho de la mañana. ¿Qué quieres, niña desagradecida?” (Ava, it's like eight am. What do you want, you ungrateful child?) Emilia’s voice comes through hoarse, the phone screen showing a dark wooden beamed ceiling with the barest hint of light.
“Nos vamos a casar.” (We’re getting married.) Ava drops casually, and Beatrice slaps her a hand to her forehead. Of all the ways…Ava draws her head back in disbelief at her reaction. A soothing thumb coming up to rub at the spot right away.
Complete silence, and then, “Bueno, ahora sí que lo has hecho.” (Well, now you’ve definitely done it.) There’s a sudden flurry of movement as sheets are thrown off and window curtains are pulled aside forcefully, the sun coming through and illuminating the ceiling right away. “¿Qué me dices? No te puedo creer ¿Y a ti no te importa mi salud? ¡Ya no puedo seguir viviendo así!” (What are you saying? I can’t believe you. Do you not care about my wellbeing? I can’t live like this anymore!) Emilia grabs the phone, agitation clear. Dried beauty mask half peeling off her face. “¿Cómo que se van a casar? ¿Dónde está Beatrice? ¿Ella lo sabe? ¡Dejame hablar con ella!” (What do you mean you’re getting married? Where’s Beatrice? Does she know? Let me talk to her!)
“I’m here! I’m here,” she rushes to reply, leaning into the video frame. Don’t think about the shirt. Don’t think about the shirt!
Emilia stops, pulls her mask off in one go and brings the phone close to her face. Doing the old person eye adjustment thing and probably making sure that it is in fact Beatrice there and they’re both mentally sound. “When did you even get engaged? Are you both crazy?!” Nevermind.
“Last night!” “This morning!”, they both scramble to reply to Emilia’s question. “Last night!” “This morning!”, answers overlapping again. Both drawing back to narrow their eyes at the other.
Ava pokes her tongue out at her which makes Beatrice raise her eyebrows incredulously.
Turning back to look at the phone screen, Ava declares, “You have until noon to get here or we’ll get married without you.”
Emilia sighs roughly, but there’s fondness there. “Espera a que te ponga las manos encima, Ava Silva. Vas a tener las nalgas rojas hasta el día que te mueras.” (Wait until I get my hands on you, Ava Silva. You’re going to have red buttcheeks until the day you die.)
Ava ends the call abruptly without another word. “Do you think she’ll make it?”
Beatrice nods solemnly. Emilia will definitely make it. “Prepare your buttcheeks, I guess.”
Ava winks. “Only for you,” Ava says in complete merriment, then shrugs, declaring, “Your turn,” dropping the phone onto Beatrice’s palm.
When she hesitates, Ava leans in for a quick cheek kiss. “You can do it, my love. And then we can both have red buttcheeks until the day we die.”
Beatrice breathes in. Swallows and taps Vivian’s number. Phone call only. She’ll notice the shirt. No video call. Quick. Easy. Cry later.
It rings only once. Vivian’s smooth and proper voice coming through the phone’s speaker. “Hello, Ava. Good morning,” she says, and it is immediately clear to both Beatrice and Ava that Vivian has been up for quite some time already, “I tried your Arroz al horno recipe last night and it was divine, I’m going to have to include it into the rotation.”
Ava smiles shyly, nudging her side. Encouraging. “Mum,” Beatrice breathes in deeply and on the exhale says, all in one quick breath, “We’re going to get married today.” Now it’s Ava’s turn to slap her own forehead.
Vivian, like Emilia, is quiet for some time. But unlike Emilia, Vivian's reply is composed and to the point. “Text me the details. I’ll bring the flowers.”
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
'Cause I could live by the light in your eyes
Camila finally calls back as they’re having breakfast. A well done egg—too busy making out against the kitchen counter to notice the eggs sizzling away— atop an almost singed sourdough slice—did you toast the bread? I DON’T REMEMBER!—as Beatrice scrabbles to juggle the video call amid Ava’s encroaching form and grabby hands. “Cam—Camila! I need to tell—”
“Beatrice! I knew you’d miss me—”
“We’re getting married!” Ava squeaks out, ripping the phone from her grip and nearly smashing her face into it from the force and pure joy emanating from her. Almost chipping a tooth. The toast she’s holding lands on the side of the plate, feta and avocado barely hanging on.
“WHAT?!” Camila howls and from the screen they can see several faces beside Camila turn in concern towards her.
“Where are you?” Beatrice asks, tugging Ava back down onto her lap so that she can continue to see Camila’s face on the phone as well.
“At the airport! About to make my connection. Don’t change the fucking subject! What do you mean you’re getting married? Beatrice, you leave in a rush and now you’re saying you’re going to get married? Why am I just finding out now? How could you both do this to me!? After all these years, Pigeon ankles!? And what? You decide to do this now when—”
“We just decided, Cam.” Ava takes the reins, the sole calming force for moments when Camila begins to spiral. “You’re only the third person we’ve told!”
The phone shakes in Camila’s grip and they both turn to each other in a fit of giggles. “THE THIRD!?” She cries out, “Who were the first two!?”
“We’re going down to the registry office later,” Beatrice says carefully, taking a sip from her coffee cup now that everything appears calm.
Camila shoots up from where she’s sitting. “No—no! I’m jumping on the next flight to London.”
Beatrice sputters out the coffee and Ava nearly flies out of her lap. “Camila! Go home to your family!”
“I’m a celebrant!”
“What!?” They both shout in unison.
“I’ve been manifesting this! All that work and sneaking around! They all doubted me. Lilith owes me so much money.” Camila is no longer within camera view, it’s just a blur of the passing airport gates at what one would call an insane and dangerous speed. “I knew it would be worth it!” she says, out of breath, “Pick a place. You guys just pick a place and I’ll meet you there!” And then she ends the call.
Ava stands abruptly from her lap and spins around to face her. She then begins to shimmy in place, “You think I’m gorgeous…”
Beatrice huffs and stands just as quickly, advancing in big steps as Ava hurriedly backs away towards the living room.
“You wanna date me…love me and marry me—ARGHH!”
I'll unfold before you
Would have strung together
The very first words of a lifelong love letter
“Amor, what about these?” Ava calls her over nervously, hand just above the glass separating the various wedding bands from them.
It’s quiet and empty inside the boutique they’ve found themselves in. Well, empty, apart from the clerk who is observing them carefully.
Ava’s arm drapes around her waist the moment they’re next to each other. “Which?” Beatrice asks, eyes gazing upon the few pieces below.
“The ones with the flower motif.”
The silver bands are delicate and simple.
Ava doesn’t wait for a reply. “Can we see these, please?” She holds a finger just above them, indicating the bands.
“Of course.” The clerk obliges, pulling out a velvet tray and setting it before them, then, bringing the bands from below and placing one next to the other.
“Try it on?” Ava holds out one of them, it glints under the lights, and carefully places it on Beatrice’s open palm. “What do you think?” She whispers the moment the band slips on. Her eyes attentively travelling from the finger, which is now bearing two rings, to Beatrice’s eyes.
The metal feels cool against Beatrice’s increasingly warming skin. She finds herself turning her head from side to side, rotating her hand, taking in the small details. The way the two pieces catch the light. And then, her eyes find Ava’s.
Patient. Softly looking. A small, hesitant smile on her lips.
“It’s perfect,” she murmurs her reply by Ava’s ear, quiet enough for only her to hear. Hands aching with the need to reach out and hold her.
Ava doesn’t hesitate, holding the other band between her fingers. She quickly tries the band on as well, flexing her left hand a few times. “Perfect.” Beatrice’s eyes linger on Ava’s left hand—perfect—as she pulls the band off and passes it off to the clerk. Beatrice’s breaths are coming in short, chest barely expanding under the overwhelming happiness from the sight alone. “Something wrong?” Ava asks cautiously. Worried.
“Hmm? No,” she replies, passing her own band to the clerk as well.
“Would you like me to wrap them?”
Ava is quick to answer, “A box should be fine.” The clerk walks off, leaving them alone. Ava tilts her head, voice quiet, “If something is wrong we can stop now, I don’t want—”
“I don’t want to stop,” Beatrice blurts out, an unrestrained smile breaking free, at last. Their fingertips gently brushing on top of the counter. “I don’t ever want to stop.”
Ava beams. “Neither do I.”
Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
“It’s stuck!” Ava says from the inside of the dressing room.
Beatrice lifts her hand, ready to tug the curtain open to help. “Can I come in?”
“No! You can’t—you know you can’t see me!”
She chuckles. “My love, I’m going to see you regardless.”
“I know. I just want you to see me when it’s perfect—not—not like this. Not with half my butt poking out.”
Beatrice brings a hand to her nose and mouth, holding in what is sure to be an undignified snort. “I’m coming in. Close your eyes.”
“Bea, no, can you please get—”, Ava flutters about for a few seconds, the noise of several hangers falling down loud enough to attract attention. When the curtains are drawn behind Beatrice, a stool scrapes across the wooden floor and Ava sputters out a nervous, “Hi.”
“My eyes are closed. Where are you?” Beatrice asks, hands pinching and searching the air, coming up empty.
“He—here” Ava says, voice raspy. Her hands grip Beatrice’s own, guiding her forward. “I’m going to turn around, see if you can unjam it.” Ava places Beatrice’s hands on each side of her hips, turning carefully in place.
Ava’s breaths are ragged, like she’s having trouble with her dress. “Is it too tight?” Beatrice asks, feeling Ava underneath her fingertips, the contours of her hips and the material of the dress. Woven, almost like crochet. “Ava, I think we’ve picked the same dress.”
“It’s similar. Yours has more of a mandala-like pattern.”
“YOU’RE LOOKING?!” The nerve. “Here you are asking me not to look, yet you’re looking!”
Ava stomps, actually stomps. “Fix the zipper!”
“I’m trying!” She tugs. “It won’t give!”
“Last time this happened—”
“Do not! Don’t you dare bring that up!” The teeths of the zipper eventually line up, interlocking as Beatrice pulls up, ending somewhere by Ava’s upper back. “There!”
Ava rustles about for some time. Adjusting the dress, Beatrice assumes.
“Okay, you can open your eyes now.”
Beatrice does. And all at once she understands why Ava’s breathing was ragged, why Ava’s voice sounded the way it did when she stepped into the dressing room. As her eyes settle on Ava, every thought other than beautiful instantly escapes her brain.
The ivory of the dress makes Ava glow. On her, the dress is ethereal and timeless. Effortlessly graceful when combined with the soft curls of her low bun. It accentuates Ava’s figure in a romantic way and drives everything inside Beatrice to reach out for Ava’s hand. To clasp it tightly. “You look beautiful,” she barely manages to croak out, throat bobbing uselessly.
“Thank you,” Ava replies, not giving much attention to Beatrice’s compliment. Eyes equally as focused on Beatrice in her dress, as much as Beatrice’s own attention is caught on Ava in hers. “I can’t stop looking. I haven’t stopped looking since you walked in,” she says, her free hand coming to touch at the hand-woven scalloped edges draping loosely over Beatrice’s shoulder.
“Come here.” Beatrice tugs on their joined hands, pulling Ava close. Arms wrapping around each other. As close as they can manage. Burrowing delicately into the crook of Ava’s neck, breathing her in and grazing gently with her lips.
“How…how did I get so lucky? This is just…I never—” Ava clears her throat, “I’m going to marry you so hard!”
—
There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again
They had tried valiantly to hail a taxi and failed. Rushing to the train instead.
Now they’re in one of the corners of the train carriage, Ava against the wall with Beatrice in front holding them steady. The sight of Beatrice’s Chucks surrounding her Vans is making her reminisce about four years ago. Where just glancing at Beatrice then had set off every nerve ending within her. A want—no, a need. A need to know everything about the woman in front of her. Even now, as Ava follows the familiar path of Beatrice’s collar, the freckle on her neck, upwards to her face, the same thought echoes.
Beatrice is doing her best to shield them both from view, but it’s not working. Everyone is staring at them. A phone gets lifted again and surprisingly the flash doesn’t go off. Ava watches as Beatrice attempts to suppress an eyeroll. Choosing to roll her shoulders instead.
Ava is sure their pictures are already all over social media. The dresses are at least hidden underneath their coats. For now.
“Amor,” Ava murmurs, pocketing her phone. Beatrice lowers her head down to listen, idly pulling at the straps of the satchel carrying their clothing. “Vivian and Emilia are there.”
“Already?”
She nods. “And Camila is in a taxi.”
Beatrice doesn’t react further, just settles her head onto Ava’s shoulder. Wrapping her arms around tighter. “You’re so pretty.” Beatrice must feel the way she breathes in because she adds in a quick, “Don’t tease me,” beating her to the playful taunt.
“I wouldn't dare.”
“Liar.”
As they exit the Underground on their way out to Fenchurch street, tapping their phones against the receiver, a little girl stops Ava in her tracks. She’s smiling widely, arms flailing about to get her attention. “Bea, one second,” she says, tugging on their clasped hands, coming to the girl’s side.
“Eres Ava?” (You’re Ava?) The little girl asks, pulling on her mum’s arm.
The mother sighs apologetically. “I’m so sorry, I asked her not to bother you. I’m sure you get that a lot.”
“It’s okay. I am,” Ava replies easily, lowering herself to the girl's eye level. “Hello. And what is your name?”
“Alice,” the girl answers, suddenly shy and half hiding behind her mother’s arm.
“Alice?” Ava chuckles. “My best friend, her name is Alice too.”
Alice smiles widely at that. “Really?”
“It is! She has an accent just like yours.”
“I love your songs. Mum and I sing them together.”
“That’s really lovely. Do you have a favourite?”
“Que no salga la luna!” Alice answers, wide eyed and bursting with excitement.
“It’s all she’s been listening to since your performance,” the mother adds, eyes shifting from Ava to Beatrice.
“Are you getting married?” Alice asks, eyeing Ava’s dress underneath her coat and then Beatrice’s, who gives her a small wave.
“We are,” Ava answers truthfully.
“Like the song?”
“Just like the song.” Ava stands upright, gripping Beatrice’s hand again. “You’ll keep it a secret won’t you?”
“I will.”
They wave goodbye to Alice and her mother. It’s a relatively warm Autumn’s day and people are milling about as they cut through Talbort court and follow the road down to St Dunstan.
My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter
The façade of the damaged church greets them as they near the public gardens. An instant relief from the bustling sounds and towering buildings of London. Burnt orange, pink, and yellow ivy hang from the ruin’s large arches.
The hectic drums of life are muted here in this small corner. Everything seemingly fading away like it always does the moment they pass through the metal gates.
Their steps are synchronised as they traverse the sprawling gardens. The dappled late afternoon sun filtering through the canopy of Autumn leaves catch their eyes as they curve around the courtyard.
After bypassing several groups of people, Vivian is the first of the two to spot them.
Both her and Emilia are sitting on a garden bench, seemingly deep in conversation. Vivian smiles and waves, holding two modest bouquets of red carnations. “We were expecting to see the two of you here already,” Vivian says, standing and dusting off the bottom of her pants.
“We had a few things to get first,” Beatrice responds, giving her mother a hug first and then Emilia.
Ava does the same, with Emilia affectionately slapping her butt a few times. Then, Emilia clicks her tongue and says, “That sounds to me like this is short notice. Even for the two of you.”
Vivian nods along. Hesitating for a moment, but then voicing, “Are you sure that you don’t want to be able to call each other fiancées for a bit longer? It's been less than 24 hours.”
Beatrice shakes her head. “No, I’d rather call her my wife.”
My wife. Ava recites it over and over in her head. Where does she sign? Where are the papers? Where the heck is Camila? She reels herself back in as Beatrice bumps their shoulders together, hand searching for hers again. “I’m happy you’re here,” Ava says, awkwardly cutting off the throaty, elated laughter that is bubbling to spill out, then to Vivian, shyly, “That you’re both here. For us.”
“Come on then, let’s have a look at the two of you.”
They both remove their coats at Vivian’s request. Beatrice handing over her satchel to her mum and Emilia bounding forward to grab the coats, placing them under her arm. It’s the first instance of truly looking at one another outside the confines of the dressing room. And it’s here, under the filtered light streaming through the church’s gothic windowless frames, and in the shades of yellows, reds and orange, that the moment suddenly hits.
The world seems to fall silent and still under their gaze. No rustling of leaves. No chatter or the sounds of footsteps around them. Just the two of them and their thoughts.
Being in the presence of Beatrice in her wedding dress leaves Ava breathless. It’s euphoric. It makes her dizzy with a genuine need to crush her into her hold but equally, to stay far enough away to bear witness. She’s unabashedly looking, taking in every curve, every softness. Beatrice smiles widely, chest heaving just as much as Ava’s is. They giggle at the same time. It’s nervous and with a slight tremor.
“Sneakers? Really?” Emilia says dryly, not at all enthused over their fashion faux pas, breaking them from their spell.
“It could be worse. They could have turned up here in jeans and a hoodie,” Vivian says while smirking, amused by her own remark, while handing over their bouquets.
Beatrice sighs heavily. “I feel like introducing them to each other was a terrible idea.”
“I don’t know, I think we both need a little humbling every now and then.”
“Speak for yourself,” Beatrice smirks. So reminiscent of Vivian’s. It’s too distracting and charming to chastise her. “I don’t need humbling.”
Emilia wags her finger. “Speaking of humbling,” she slaps lightly at Beatrice’s shoulder, discouraging her instantly, “This means Ava is your responsibility from now on. Sort out your emergency contacts, I plan on going on a long LONG vacation.”
Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
“I told the taxi driver to step on it! But of course he’s all there like,” Camila is in the middle of recounting her journey to them, abruptly bursting into a low, sophisticated tone, “‘The rules of the road are meant to be followed—’ anyway, I got out of the car at Byward St and ran all the way here.”
Beatrice has Camila in a strange kind of hug/chokehold combination. Possibly for everyone’s safety. Mainly for Ava’s. “We never said we were in a rush, Camila.”
“¡BUENO, YO TENÍA PRISA!” (WELL, I WAS IN A RUSH!) Camila exclaims loudly, shoving at Beatrice’s sides with her fingers as they all walk along the ruins.
“When did you become a celebrant?” Ava asks, subtly peering over Camila’s shoulder at her unlocked phone.
Camila is quick to pull it out of sight. “You don’t want to know the answer to that question.” She pivots, extricating Beatrice’s arms from her and handing her off to Ava. “Okay, where are we doing this? My notes are ready. My mind is ready. My body is ready.”
Beatrice stills as they near the boundary wall. “Here.” She passes her bouquet to Emilia and Ava does the same, handing hers to Vivian.
Their hands move on their own, gravitating towards one another as they stand before Camila. Both trembling, both noticing it in the other but neither bringing attention to it.
Ava breathes in, and watches on as Beatrice does the same.
Every sound nearby is now obscured by the ever increasing thrum in her ear.
“Friends and Family of the brides—wait, that doesn’t work anymore,” Camila scrolls through her phone, making manic adjustments.
Beatrice lifts her eyebrow, Camila’s shenanigans testing her incredible patience. “What do you mean that doesn’t work anymore?”
“I thought you guys would have a big wedding. I’ll have to make some edits as I go.”
“Big wedding?!” “Edits?!” They both say at the same time. Vivian and Emilia howl with laughter behind them. Emilia lifting her arms when Ava’s glare lasts a tad longer than expected.
“One second…” Camila coughs a few times, zooms in on her phone, and prepares, “Welcome all present and thank you for being here to celebrate Ava and Beatrice, on their wedding day.”
Emilia and Vivian look at one another incredulously, utterly entertained by Camila.
“Oh God, Camila! Make it short and sweet, I beg of you,” Beatrice beseeches, rubbing at her forehead sheepishly, avoiding the prying eyes of the people around them.
Suzanne is going to murder them.
We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you
“I’ve known you, Beatrice, most of my life, and admittedly I used to think that this day would never come, but now that it has I can safely say that I’m not surprised. You’re so strong willed—always have been, especially when you think you’re right. And you’ve always been right about Ava.” A flush creeps onto Beatrice’s cheeks, an effect that has been slowly blossoming before Ava’s eyes. Unfurling from Beatrice’s chest and expanding up her neck and cheeks—a vibrant reddish, pink backsplash to those beautiful freckles. “Love is difficult to define and I could never do it justice, so I’ve prepared a short poem that I hope will:
I love you without knowing how, when, or from where
I love you directly without qualms or pride
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way
Except in this form in which I am not nor are you”
As the truth of the poem lands, they both beam at each other and then together, at Camila.
“Alright, so, I hope you guys are as prepared as I am because now it’s your turn.” Camila pockets her phone, then looks between them enthusiastically. “Who would like to say their vows first?”
Ava swallows, readies herself. “Me—I’ll go first.” Beatrice is smiling at that. Shyly. Lips curving upwards and eyes beginning to crease.
“Beatrice.”
“Ava.”
They giggle.
“From the moment we met and you carried me on your back, I knew you were different. A good different—a different I didn’t know I needed and at times I fought myself against it.” She swallows, the emotions beginning to catch up to her. Beatrice must catch it because she rubs a thumb across her hand in encouragement. “You constantly inspire me to be the very best I can be— for myself, for you and for others. I’m grateful that we made the choice to hold on to what we found, even when it seemed hopeless.”
She’s taken aback by her bride in front of her, haloed by the late afternoon sun. Eyes unwavering from her own. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life, growing with you, endlessly learning everything about you, and discovering the world alongside you.”
Beatrice releases her hand for a second, wiping the sides of her eyes where tears have begun to gather and spill out. Seeing Beatrice cry moves her forward as well, the momentum bringing Ava’s hands up to carefully wipe at the errant tears. They both laugh wetly, Ava’s eyes stinging from the intense wave of emotion surging from them. Beatrice fervently wipes at Ava’s cheeks and runs her thumb under Ava’s runny nose, pinching it affectionately. But it's a lost cause. The deluge has begun.
They both attempt to gather themselves between crying and laughing. Ava can hear the unmistakable sound of sniffles coming from behind them, and knows one of those sniffles belongs to Emilia. She knows that if she turns, the sniffle will become a sob. Such a sap. She can tease Emilia about it later. When she herself isn’t crying.
Camila inhales sharply. Fanning her face and blinking tears away quickly. “Beatrice,” she directs. Trying to keep them somewhat on track.
Beatrice nods, wiping at the sides of her cheeks again. “I’ve—I’ve realised something silly recently. How time seemingly moves slower when I am around you, Ava. Unhurried. Like the universe knows to still when you’re near so that I can treasure every moment.” Beatrice exhales, thumbs running along Ava’s hands again. “I am glad our story turned out differently. Know that your dreams are my own, and whatever life we create together will be full of happiness and love.” Beatrice’s ears have turned red too. The flush from before, now all encompassing and devastatingly beautiful. “Now, can we please speed this up, I would really like it if our married lives could begin already.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Camila smacks at Beatrice’s arm, “But fine, and only because the gardeners are looking at us funny.” What Camila doesn’t say of course is that everyone around them is looking at them funny. And by funny she means actively staring with their phones in their hands. “Who has the rings?”
Beatrice turns to her mother, “In my satchel pocket.” Vivian unslings the bag from her shoulder and procures the small box for them before handing it to Camila.
“Beatrice, as you place this ring on Ava’s finger, please repeat after me…”
Beatrice nods, repeating Camila’s words back fully, without a moment of hesitation, “With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours,” she holds the wedding band between the fingers of her left hand and Ava’s left hand with her right, “As a reminder that I will love, honour, and cherish you. In all times, in all places, and in all ways, forever,” her voice doesn’t catch. It’s smooth and deliberate as she slides the ring carefully to meet the other on Ava’s finger. Beatrice pauses once she’s finished, admiring Ava’s hand in hers, brushing her thumb across Ava’s knuckles.
Ava’s hand is clammy as she plucks the remaining ring from the box in Camila’s hand. An intrusive thought of dropping it comes to mind then, and Beatrice must notice her apprehension because she snickers, knowing exactly what has crossed her mind. Beatrice’s gaze falls on her, soft eyes putting her at ease right away. “With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours,” she repeats the words as Beatrice did before and holds Beatrice’s left hand with her right. And where Beatrice is slow and meticulous, Ava is hurried and eager. The ring is already where it should be before the words have had a chance to finish, “As a reminder that I will love, honour, and cherish you. In all times, in all places, and in all ways, forever.”
“Beatrice, do you take Ava whom you now hold by the hand to be your wife?”
“I do.”
“Ava, do you take Beatrice whom you now hold by the hand to be your wife?”
“I do.”
Neither of their voices shake and their hands do not tremble.
An instant sense of relief settles before them.
Finally.
“You may seal this union with a kiss!”
It’s not slow. It’s anything but that. Ava springs forward and by the time she has a chance to wrap Beatrice into a kiss, Beatrice is already doing it. Lips ardently looking for hers. Wrapping her arms around Ava, as tight as she possibly can. They’re smiling into the kiss, and it spills onto their cheeks and eyes. The emotions reaching a crescendo. A tangible promise they can now both hold together. Always.
I am not scared of the elements
I am underprepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you
“Hey! You can’t get married here!”
“Shit!” Camila squeaks. She’s pushing at them. Getting them to move. To separate. Anything!
And when that doesn’t work. It's Emilia and Vivian pulling them, handing their coats and satchel over. Getting them to realise what is happening.
They grab their coats, haphazardly throwing them on as they all break into sprints in different directions and watch as everything descends into chaos around them. The crowd that had gathered erupts into cheers and claps. It’s complete pandemonium within seconds.
Gardeners follow after Camila with several confused law enforcement officers closely behind.
The last Ava is able to see and hear is Emilia kicking at a gardener that grabs at her and Vivian following close behind her with a smack of the carnations she’s holding.
“The cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity and the gumption,” Vivian adds cheekily after a few more smacks to the gardener’s head.
Emilia subtly snaps with her fingers—a flourish of attitude—at Vivian in recognition.
Their hearts race, their breaths thunderous and echoing across the garden with every step they take. Everyone around steps aside for them to get through, the cheers and congratulations ringing in their ears. Their sneakers struggle against the old cobblestone underneath, all uneven and a complete hazard to the garments they’re wearing.
“Faster! Faster!” Ava cries between giggles, clutching her wife’s hand in hers.
“Where are we going?!” Beatrice yells back breathlessly, holding just as tightly.
“Anywhere, as long as you’re with me!”
“Careful, because I’m never letting you go.”
Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
I choose you
—
February
The Cruciforms are all on stage impatiently waiting for all the nominees to be announced for Album of the Year. Beatrice is nervously thumbing at the envelope in her hands. Eyes drifting from Ava and where she’s currently sitting amongst the other attendees, to the vast audience that surrounds them.
The gown Beatrice is wearing is richly adorned with oversized embroidered flowers. Vivid crimsons, pinks and whites, all standing out against the matte black fabric of her dress. Hair pulled back neatly to show off the elegance and poise of her shoulders.
Confident in every way that matters to the outside world. But there’s something there. It’s small but it’s there, hidden underneath. A trepidation even though Ava has expressed more than once that she will be happy with whatever the outcome is tonight. But still Beatrice worries. Worries on her behalf.
The soft hum of anticipation encompasses them all.
“As selected by the thirteen thousand voting members of The Recording Academy…” Beatrice says, leaning into the microphone and undoing the envelope to peek at the name written there. A beatific smile takes over her face as she glimpses at the winner’s name on the card. She steps back, handing off the envelope for Lilith to finish reading, taking the chance instead to break free from the band and come down the steps as Lilith continues from where she left off.
“The Grammy for Album of the Year goes to…” Lilith reads carefully, but they know. They all know. “Ava Silva for ‘La Fama’!”
Ava shoots up from her seat, Shannon pulling her into a hug. There’s no one else around for her to smile at or be congratulated by, everyone important apart from Shannon is already on the stage in various states of celebration waiting for her.
As she looks away from the cameras that have raced to her table, her eyes land on Beatrice waiting patiently by the bottom of steps, a hand outstretched for her to take. She bounds forward, overwhelmed by the compulsion to run to Beatrice. The black lace of her dress adjusting to the sudden change of movement, the floral embroidery resembling Beatrice’s own.
Ava doesn’t take Beatrice’s hand right away, instead, she throws her arms around her wife, bringing her into a searing kiss.
Thunderous applause and cheers fill the air.
“I’m so—I’m so happy for you,” Beatrice whispers next to her ear when they pull apart. Ava’s hands have come down to just above Beatrice’s heart. It thrums within, rapid and unstoppable. Practically beating out of her chest. “I’m so proud.”
Ava’s pulling. Pulling Beatrice behind her. Bringing her back onto the stage.
The band joins them above the steps, lovingly shoving her between them and into hugs. When she’s handed the award, she holds it firmly in the hand that’s not holding Beatrice’s. And when she’s before the microphone—with nerves shooting up to the roof—she takes a deep breath in and closes her eyes.
When Ava opens her eyes again, she looks first at Beatrice beside her.
“Thank you to the Academy and my peers for this honour. I’d like to thank my wife…”
—
(*)(*)
Five years later
The faint sound of rain drops and water trickling echoes throughout the house. It’s a rainy day, much like the last few days have been. It brings with it a sense of stillness. A stillness which she craves now. The sensation seeps through the stained glass windows and travels across the cozy living room—lovingly adorned with well worn furniture pieces, picture frames and the odd brightly coloured toy.
There’s hardly any light now in her little corner which causes her to lean over to turn on the floor lamp nearby. The radiator pops a few times in quick succession and it catches her attention. Its warmth keeps her socked feet nice and warm as the temperature outside continues to drop and Winter begins to truly take over London.
She is sitting at their upright piano, lazily trailing her fingers over the keys to a well known melody.
An easy day at home.
Ava releases a breath. Rotating her torso from left to right, the blanket around her shoulders falling to her waist. She’s been sitting at the piano for too long. She stretches, pinching her eyes together, a soft pleased groan escaping her lips.
When her eyes open again, Beatrice’s picture with her parents catches her attention. It’s one of her favourites, toddler Beatrice on her father’s shoulders with her mother running alongside them. She presses her fingers to her lips, suppressing a delighted chuckle.
There’s a manuscript against the fallboard.
Empty.
Has been empty for some time.
Not because she hasn’t tried. She has. Has promised to. But she has been occupied.
She continues the melody, eyes fleeting from one photo to another. The wall above the piano is covered with them; family and friends, vacations, random objects that have caught their attention…and by no means is it full. There’s ample space for more photos, more memories.
The distinct jingle of a key sliding into the lock and turning the bolt catches Ava’s ear. She lifts her left hand, melody continuing with her right, softly, just enough to be able to hear as the front door opens. The familiar grate just a start to the sounds now woven irreparably around her. Sounds that she cannot fathom a life without.
Heavy steps of gum boots stomping onto the carpet by the door, then, softer ones.
TAP-TAP, tap-tap.
TAP-TAP-TAP, tap-tap-tap.
And then a flurry of taptaptaps followed by precious giggles.
“We’re hoooooomeeee,” Beatrice sing-songs.
The step at the bottom of the stairs creaks a few times and Ava can picture exactly what is happening. Can clearly see Beatrice in her mind leaning down to help remove one outstretched boot then the other.
There’s only a few seconds before the pitter patter of feet slapping against the parquet flooring rounds the corner and little Pilar comes barrelling straight towards her. “Mamá! Que fwío!” (It’s so cold!)
Ava chortles at the sight of her daughter’s face and her chubby cheeks. Icing sugar and chocolate smudged all over her cheeks, nose and mouth. “What have you got on your face, mi pétalito (my little petal)?”
Pilar gives her a wide grin in response, “Mummy gots some migawetos. We aweady ate wun. Shhh. She said to keep secwet,” followed directly by raising her pudgy pointer finger up to her lips, “Shhh.”
“Secret, huh?” Ava remarks, mirth evident in her tone, eyes catching on Beatrice rounding the corner, pastry box cradled in one hand and totes full of groceries slung over her other shoulder. Beatrice’s eyes twinkle in reply on her way to the kitchen. Ava reaches a hand up, gently brushing the powdered sugar off Pilar’s cheeks. “What did you guys do?”
“Went to the pawhk.” Pilar’s soft r has a touch of formality. Terribly proper. Terribly cute. “Thewe was a hmm pah—pah hmm pato. I don’t wike patos.”
“You saw a duck?”
Beatrice laughs and both their heads swivel to the kitchen as she continues to pull the groceries out. “It was a goose.”
“A goose!”
Pilar makes a face. “Scawy. Mummy scwawed.”
“I bet.”
Beatrice huffs out. “I wasn’t scared!”
“Mummy wan and and and said, ‘upa upa upa upaupaupaupaupaupa!’” Pilar lifts her hands up in the air all while running in circles.
They both laugh at their daughter’s antics. A cute blush making its way onto her wife's cheeks.
“Mamá,” Pilar says, beside her, itching to climb up onto the stool where she’s sitting. “What awe you pwaying?”
Ava leans down, wrapping her arms around Pilar’s small form, carefully placing her on top of her thighs and wrapping the blanket around them. “I was playing mummy’s song.” Pilar nods, her curls bouncing as she does. “Do you remember? She sang it last week.”
“With—with the ouwc—kestah.”
“Yes, with the orchestra,” she confirms, right hand coming back to the keys in front of them. Playing the tune again for Pilar to hear. For her to remember. “What colour dress was mummy wearing?”
“White!”
“That’s right.”
Pilar wiggles in place. “Mummy looked like a pwincess.”
Ava nods, placing a kiss on top of Pilar’s head.
It’s not long until Beatrice joins them, a bowl of cut fruit in her hand. Pears, kiwis and persimmons. They scooch over, making space for Beatrice to sit beside them. Ava holds the blanket open for her, cocooning them all within its warmth.
Little fingers extend to the bowl placed on top of the piano lid, coming away with a slice of persimmon.
They sit quietly as Ava plays through the soft melody.
An old memory comes to her then, of little Ava just slightly older than Pilar is now. Sitting down on her mother’s thighs, watching as her mother’s fingers traveled up and down the very same upright piano before the three of them now.
Ava’s eyes fall to her daughter and then back to the keys. Remembering. Grateful.
The same but different.
Beatrice scrunches her eyebrows. “Not that A.”
“Higher?”
“This one,” Beatrice reaches around them, tapping the key softly. Hand lazily trailing back along Ava’s back, rubbing small circles.
“Do you think we should let mummy play?”
Pilar nods excitedly, bouncing on her thighs.
Ava stands, Pilar balanced on her waist.
Beatrice adjusts herself on the stool, folding the blanket and neatly placing it on the basket nearby.
“What would you like me to play?” Beatrice asks, sitting with perfect posture, hands waiting patiently above the keys.
“Mummy’s song!” Pilar answers right away, throwing her short arms around Ava’s neck.
Her wife smiles, all dimpled and adorable, then, without waiting another moment begins to play. Right hand first with a flurry that cascades down the keys, the melody is gentle, reminiscent of Clair de Lune and of similar composers of the time period. But then, the familiar notes start, the ones that Ava played earlier, but more thought out. With all the proper flowery additions.
It stings at the corner of her eyes. And she has to look away at first. Too caught up with the feelings that the song evokes to be properly present in the living room of their home, with a child that resembles both of them more and more each day. From the cheeky personality, the curls of her hair, to the boisterous way she enters rooms and finds the world endlessly magical around them.
Ava sniffles and it catches Pilar’s attention. And just as her mum is, Pilar is as well. Endlessly aware of both her and Beatrice’s feelings. Their daughter wraps her arms tighter, snuggling closer and nuzzling into Ava’s neck.
The song lifts, and the need to waltz around the living room is too great to resist. So Ava grips Pilar tighter against her and spins them round and around until giggles erupt from both of them. Pilar’s eyes turning into small crescents as Ava’s hands come to her tummy for unrestricted access to tickles.
Beatrice stands, song forgotten and walks to them. Arms wrapping them all together into a hug. And she must catch something in Ava’s eyes because she leans forward, depositing a lingering kiss on her cheek.
“Me! My kiss?” Pilar squeals, outraged.
Beatrice smiles toothily before kissing Pilar’s cheek as well.
“Mamá también!” (Mama too!)
Ava responds with a flurry of kisses, coaxing those small crescents back. As she draws back, gaze falling to her wife, she finds them there too.
Chapter 23: I Swear This Whole Time, The Answer's Been Right in Front of Me
Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice
Ao3
There’s a playlist and a mood-board.
The sight that greets them as they enter the lobby, pushing open the heavy double doors side by side, is that of Esperanza peering at the mail. She makes no attempt to hide the fact that she’s brazenly rifling through the letterboxes of the other residents.
Esperanza casts a sideways glance at them before turning back to her task, ignoring their entrance.
“Buenas tardes, Esperanza! ¿Recibiste algo interesante?” (Good afternoon, Esperanza! Did you receive anything interesting?) Ava exclaims loudly and jovially, hand on the banister, ready to begin her ascent up the stairwell. Voice echoing throughout the lobby. A quick glance at the mischievousness on Ava’s face confirms Beatrice’s suspicions.
Deliberate.
Esperanza visibly cringes at the loudness of Ava’s greeting, a brief scowl flitting across her face as she replies without much fanfare, “Hola, Ava.”
“Buenas tardes,” Beatrice greets as well, not stopping for a greeting that she knows will not be forthcoming.
It's as they’re ascending that Beatrice hears Esperanza audibly mumble to herself, the sourness of her tone crystal clear, “Bueno, bueno, bueno, la novia regresa y mi paz se acaba. Horrible. Quizás por fin vaya a visitar a mi hermano en Salamanca por un tiempo.” (Well, well, well, the girlfriend returns and my peace ends. Horrible. Maybe I'll finally go visit my brother in Salamanca for a while.)
So vivid is the imagery of Esperanza’s pinched face as she grumbles out her complaint that springs to the forefront of Beatrice’s mind that she almost snorts out a laugh. Barely holding it in.
Ava swivels around with a grimace. “Please ignore her.”
Beatrice adjusts the totes on each of her shoulders mid shrug, “I always do.”
They remain quiet as they steadily continue up the stairs, Ava in the lead and Beatrice following closely behind. The plant’s leaves flapping about in Ava’s hold. Both keeping the practiced rhythm going until they reach the top of the steps, stopping at Ava’s floor.
Ava fumbles with her keys, almost dropping them before catching them one handed. A shaky huff escapes Ava’s mouth as she unlocks the door and swings it open, stepping aside to usher Beatrice in first.
Beatrice swallows nervously before she crosses the threshold and steps into the once familiar space.
“I’ll just be a minute or two,” Ava says as she kicks off her sandals, bending down to grab them before placing them inside a wooden stool, identical to the one Ava had bought for her flat while they were dating. Beatrice does the same, careful to move a few of Ava’s shoes aside to fit in her flats.
Ava had said she would get a matching one and here it is before her. Beatrice had tucked her stool away just like everything else that reminded her of Ava and their time together. She swallows down the lump in her throat at the reminder. At the evidence that Ava has continued to include her, them, in the apartment.
Ava gives her a quick grin before walking through the hallway, mindfully adjusting the plant on her hip as she goes.
The sound of the balcony door opening and closing is the last thing Beatrice hears as she makes her way to the small round table in the kitchen. She deposits the totes atop the table and begins to methodically empty them, putting the fruits into the bowl on the counter and the vegetables in the fridge inside their respective moisture cabinets.
There’s a vase that Ava keeps under the sink for flowers, and out of habit Beatrice leans down to pull it out, filling it with water and delicately arranging each of the bulbs inside it. Once she’s satisfied with the arrangement Beatrice heads in the direction of the dining room, vase in hand.
Her gaze lands on the pictures displayed along the wall. The familiar photos of Ava and her family, Pilar, Emilia, and—, Beatrice’s breath catches.
The photos of Ava and herself remain. Interspersed in between the rest of the frames. She had expected Ava to change the photographs around, to remove Beatrice, to remove them, but nothing has changed.
Everything is as Beatrice had left it almost two years ago. As she strolled out of the apartment thinking that she’d be back soon, that they’d remain ‘them’.
Her first reaction is to avert her eyes, the guilt making its presence known, but she thinks better of it. Reminds herself again. They’ve both messed up along the way, they’re both here now, and that’s all that matters.
Ava likes to put her flowers in the middle of the dining room table. “It’ll catch the morning light from the balcony,” Ava had said once, and it’s exactly where Beatrice places the vase before retreating back into the safety of the kitchen.
She’s sitting at the small kitchen table when Ava comes back inside.
“Thank you for putting the flowers on the dining table—oh you—you put the groceries away too, tha–” Ava’s brow furrows as her attention goes to the unopened pastries box in complete and utter astonishment. It's unusual, Beatrice admits, because she is known to inhale Miguelitos on sight alone. “Why are you not eating and just sitting there ominously?”
“I thought it would be inappropriate if—”
Ava laughs stiffly. “No, Bea—that’s not. This is your—” she stops, swallowing the rest of her words. “Would you like some tea?” Ava asks instead, clearing her throat and running a hand nervously through her short locks.
“Yes, please.”
A surge of affection begins to blossom inside Beatrice at the sight of Ava’s tea collection. It’s grown astronomically since she saw it last. Ava doesn’t ask which green tea Beatrice would prefer. She doesn’t need to. Has never really needed to. Ava has always been attentive, tuned into all her habits and preferences. Everything that made her happy.
The loose leaves go into the teapot, waiting for the kettle to reach the desired temperature. Meanwhile, Ava flits about, cutting a few apples and kiwis from the fruit bowl before depositing the plate of fruit and two forks in front of Beatrice. The kettle hisses and Ava reaches for it, accidentally catching the side of the open tin of tea and tipping it over, loose tea leaves scattering across the countertop.
Ava exhales, breath coming through her nose roughly, with her head dropping momentarily.
Beatrice stands, placing a careful hand on Ava’s shoulder. “I got it.” She’s mindful of the way Ava is standing beside her. Tense. Holding herself rigid with nerves.
“I’m sorry, I should have been more careful.” It’s not lost on either of them that Ava means it in more than one sense.
“Don’t be silly,” Beatrice replies reassuringly, scooping the loose leaves into her palms and depositing them back inside the tin. “I’ll finish up, why don’t you go sit?”
It takes a few seconds, during which all Ava does is stare at the teapot, the rise and fall of her chest increasing in rhythm and then after a stuttering breath says, “Yeah, okay. Thank you.” Ava manages a small smile before turning around and taking a seat at the small table. “Did you get me—”
“Chocolate? Yes, of course,” Beatrice replies, decanting the hot water from the kettle into the awaiting teapot. She sets the pot between them on the table, twirling back around to grab two tea cups from the cabinet next to the fridge. When the cups are placed down and Beatrice sits, Ava reaches forward for the tea pot, carefully tipping just enough to fill Beatrice’s cup halfway and then her own in the same manner.
“We should—”
“Should we—”
They both chuckle nervously.
“You first,” Ava offers.
“I was going to say we should talk.”
“Me too,” Ava says and then in a murmur, “I’m so happy you’re here. I keep thinking that I’ve imagined you. That you couldn’t possibly be here.” Still fearful. Still hesitant.
“I apologise for the wait. I hope I—that I didn’t make you wait too long.”
Ava then begins to wiggle about in her chair, endearingly, eventually shifting over enough to nudge their shoulders together. “Is that what the Miguelitos are for? To appease me?”
Beatrice beams at Ava’s playful reply. “Maybe.”
Ava’s eyes look back down at the pastries box, gnawing at her bottom lip before she looks back up at Beatrice, catching her gaze. Ava stills, expression serious. “Why are you here, Beatrice?”
“To be with you, Ava.”
“That simple?”
Beatrice nods.
Ava’s eyes gleam with happiness though she catches herself, turning shy under Beatrice’s gaze. Her hands emerge from underneath the table, blotchy red from being twisted and held too tightly.
(*)(*)
This will be an everlasting love
This will be the one I've waited for
Beatrice reaches over for the pastries box, pulling it towards them. They both hunch over the table, reaching for the Miguelitos, mindful not to let the powdered sugar fall outside of the box.
“Why are you so far?” Beatrice asks, but she isn’t after an answer, not really. Placing the pastry down, she reaches under Ava’s chair, pulling it close enough that their thighs and arms barely have space between them.
“Hey—” Ava giggles, the powdered sugar spilling out onto the table with the sudden jolt. “Better?”
“Loads.”
Ava’s expression softens, eyes roaming Beatrice’s face. “How do you always do this?”
“Whaff?” Beatrice questions mid bite. She doesn’t get a reply right away, just Ava’s hand reaching over to the side of her lips, thumb running down one side and then the other.
“This. You’re the neatest person I know, but then you have powdered sugar and—it’s so annoyingly charming, okay? How can you be so messy and cute at the same time?”
“I haven’t a clue what you mean. What powdered sugar?” Ava tuts, reaching over again, this time her thumb lingering longer than before. Falling into the small divot of Beatrice’s dimple.
Loving you is some kind of wonderful
Because you showed me just how much you care
You've given me the thrill of a lifetime
And made me believe you've got more thrills to spare, oh
This will be an everlasting love
Oh, yes, it will now
It’s when they’re slowly drinking their tea that Beatrice finds it in herself to truly begin their conversation. She sets her cup down, “I want us to start over—to do things properly this time. No more rushing blindly. No avoiding important discussions.” Ava’s foot begins to bounce, the movement creating friction between them. “This time around we need to do things differently, for both our sakes. I know that we’re not perfect. I don’t expect us to be. We will mess it up along the way, there’s no avoiding that.”
Ava shakes her head minutely, eyebrows drawing down. “I don’t want us to start over—what would be the point of starting over? We’ve both made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that we should forget—”
“I misspoke,” Beatrice shifts in her chair in order to look directly into Ava’s eyes, an action that is mimicked right away. “I just meant that I want us to do all the silly things. All the things that people do when they start dating. Go to the movies, have dinners—I can take you to see musicals. We can go see the jazz band Yasmine is part of when we have down time…” as she continues to describe their potential dates Ava’s smile becomes uninhibited, her foot halting its earlier movements, “We didn’t get a chance to do any of that before, is what I mean.”
“I’d love that—I want to do all of that,” Ava says, nodding enthusiastically, voice morphing into something warm and fragile, “And more. So much more.”
You brought a lot of sunshine in to my life
You filled me with happiness I never knew
You gave me more joy than I ever dreamed of
And no one, no one, can take the place of you
Beatrice nods along. It’s infectious, their smiles, for a future they can both now look forward to. She bites her lip, suppressing it and says hesitantly, “I’m about to go on tour.”
“I want to come with you,” Ava is quick to reassure.
Beatrice can feel the way her eyes widen. “Come with me?”
“On tour.”
“Ava, that’s not possible. Isn’t your album about to come out?”
“No, not for a while. I’ll have some time before that.”
“You’ll have appearances, performances, brand—”
“No, I don’t. Well, I do, but not like before.”
Beatrice wants to believe it. She desperately does, but she’s wary. Their track record is not great. “Show me your schedule.”
And Ava does.
Their phones are on the table, both of them looking down at them, eyes shifting between each schedule. The more she scrolls, the more that Beatrice can’t believe just how much Ava has managed to cut from her schedule. Something that Beatrice herself hasn’t been able to reach an agreement on with their label.
Ava’s thumb briefly caresses the skin by Beatrice’s wrist before it comes up to her lips. A nervous tick that Beatrice easily recognises. Ava must think it’s not enough, that the free time won’t be enough. Beatrice’s hand comes to Ava’s hand by her mouth, removing it from the relentless assault taking place, settling their hands on Ava’s thigh, fingers intertwining effortlessly.
“Can I send your schedule to my phone?”
Ava nods. “Give me yours as well, please.”
They sit back into the chairs. Both, scrutinising both their schedules closely. Both, coming to the same realisation. They have time. There’s time for each other. Ava was right. She can tag along for most of the tour, if she wishes to, apart from the few appearances she needs to make. And by the time Ava’s tour starts next year, The Cruciforms’ tour will have ended, which means Beatrice will be completely free to follow Ava along her tour as well.
“I want to attend the first show.” Ava says after some time, regarding her closely. By now most of the tea is finished, the last dregs of it cold and forgotten in their cups. “I regret not going to your first show. I should have been there for you that night.”
“You have a schedule that day, don’t you?”
“I know. I’ll ask my manager to reschedule.”
“My love,” Beatrice says slowly, placing as much warmth into those two words as she can. Ava’s hands still. “Thank you for doing this, for you. For us.”
Ava nods.
“I—I can’t do what you’ve done, the label doesn’t want to let us slow down yet, but—but, we’re due to re-negotiate our contract soon and maybe, I can make it a non-negotiable that we need to have more say over our activities or the amount of them. We, the band I mean, have been talking about it recently. We can’t keep continuing at this pace, especially now that Mary and Shannon are married, they have plans for what’s next. Camila and I have always talked about eventually moving to just producing and songwriting.”
Beatrice chews at her lip, nodding slowly to herself as she thinks it through and Ava nods encouragingly, “Maybe it’s something I try to move up the timing of. Yas would definitely appreciate the additional time to dedicate to her jazz band, and you know the number of modelling contracts that Lilith has been getting.”
“You know I’ll support you in whatever decision you make. You don’t need to explain it to me, I know that you can’t slow down now, that the label won’t let you. The band is still paying off their investment, it won’t be until after they’ve recouped their costs that they will consider letting you call these shots…”
Beatrice traces the grain of the wood of the table, stares down at it before looking back up at Ava.
“I’d really like to make this work, Ava. I’ll do all that I can and I hope we can be honest with each other. I want all of it. The good, the bad, and all the in-betweens.”
Ava squeezes her hand atop the table. “I do too, Beatrice. More than anything.”
This will be you and me
Yes, siree
Eternally
Hugging and squeezing
And kissing and pleasing
Together forever through rain or whatever
Silence falls.
“Would you like to go to dinner? Tonight? If you’re free—”
Ava is nodding frantically. “Yes. Yes!”
“Okay. Well,” Beatrice sucks in a breath, “I guess I’ll get going and come back to pick you up in a few hours.”
Ava is staring at her in consternation. “Going? Go where? Where are you going? Aren’t you staying here? This is…Beatrice, this is your home.”
“I didn’t want to presume. I checked into a hotel earlier and all my stuff is there. Plus, I want to do this properly, Ava. The whole nine yards. Which includes coming to your door to pick you up for dinner.”
At that, Ava is shaking her head. “No. No. Absolutely not. I don’t want to spend any less time with you than I need to. If you’re so insistent on picking me up for dinner, you can step out into the hallway, close the door, avoid alerting Esperanza somehow and then you can knock. I’ll even pretend to be unprepared and rush to the door.”
Beatrice laughs, shaking her head slowly at Ava’s ridiculousness. Adorableness. “You really want me to stay?”
“From now on? Yes.”
“I still need to get my things from the hotel and check out.”
“I’ll come with you.”
It’s once Beatrice is drying her hands on the teatowel, having helped Ava wash the few dishes they had used and set them out on the drying rack that Ava shoots ramrod straight. Scrambling out of the kitchen with nary a word, and scurrying towards her office.
Beatrice follows sedately, and stops at the threshold of the office. Watching on as Ava halts in front of her desk, pulling open a drawer and lingering for a long moment, staring down into it.
“Something wrong?”
Ava’s gaze lifts from the drawer contents before locking onto Beatrice’s. It seems like she’s thinking deeply about something, a multitude of thoughts flitting through her eyes before she bodily shakes herself out of it. Ava reaches in and scoops out something into her hand, turning towards Beatrice and reaching forward with her open palm.
Their bracelets.
“Will you wear it?”
Beatrice is overcome by emotions as her eyes land on the jade flower. She breathes out a sigh of relief. It had been safely tucked away inside Ava’s desk drawer all this time. She had hoped and wondered at times if she would ever get the chance to see it again. Or to see it next to its pair.
Not a word exchanged between them.
Beatrice brings her left wrist up in answer and Ava makes quick work of putting it on. Afterwards, Ava holds out the other bracelet, the one with the broken amber flower, for Beatrice to take and clasp around her right wrist.
They traipse down the stairs, side by side, without incident.
Esperanza has retreated back into her apartment, no doubt already packing her suitcases.
Beatrice flinches in shock at the touch of Ava’s hand against hers, eager fingers weaving in between her own and intertwining their hands together. Her first instinct is to pull away, too used to anticipating the sting of Ava’s rejections. To way it would look outside of these doors.
But now Ava holds tight, refusing to budge. She pushes open the lobby door, heaving with the weight of it and stepping out into the sunshine. There’s a shy grin on Ava’s face, even as she strokes the pad of her thumb across the skin of Beatrice’s hand.
Ava is trying. Determined not to let her fears consume her.
And then Ava is leaning over, dropping a kiss onto the fabric right underneath Beatrice’s collarbone, lingering for a split second before pulling back. Beatrice can see that her eyes are closed, as if in prayer. It’s a very intimate act, let alone in broad daylight and on the busy streets of Madrid.
As if pulled by an invisible string, Beatrice finds herself leaning over as well, placing a very rapid and barely there kiss onto the bare skin above Ava’s heart, pulling back almost as soon as her lips brush against the skin, lest she scandalise all the abuelas and abuelos toddling through the streets.
“Sana, sana, colita de rana. Si—”
“Okay—okay. You don’t need to say the whole thing.” Ava tilts her head fondly. “Can we get dimsum on the way back? I’ve been trying out all the local places and I’ve finally found one I think you will approve of!”
Hey, you're so deserving
You're so deserving, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh
Love, love, love
From now on, from now on
—
“FLOWERS!” Ava shouts as the town car takes a sharp left, sending her and her thoughts scattering in every direction.
Levy doesn’t lift his eyes from his phone. “Mm-hmm yeah, flowers,” continuing to type, utterly unfazed.
“No…no Levy, you don’t understand. Flowers! I need to get Beatrice flowers.” Ava slaps his arm, more roughly than she should have, turning Levy’s phone into a dangerous projectile that slams into the side of the car door before gracelessly falling onto the floor between them.
They both stare down at it.
“Ava,” he sighs, scratching at one of his eyebrows in displeasure before leaning down to retrieve the device, “It’s 7:27pm, in what world are we going to find flowers this late? What kind of fairy magic do you all think we work on!? I can’t remember the last time—”
“Levy!” Ava tugs on his arm, forcing him to listen, phone on the brink of falling again. And when that doesn’t work, she’s unbuckling her seatbelt and jamming her body between the two front seats.
These are desperate times after all.
“Oh my God, Ava!” He scrabbles to get ahold of her. “Beatrice won’t let me hear the end of it if we crash and you end up plastered on the windshield. I would have to flee to somewhere in the Galapagos to avoid the manhunt. And let's be honest, she’s relentless! I’ll have to become a turtle—or or one of those colourful gay birds, the ones with the intricate mating dances—”
“James! James, listen to me.” James turns his head ever so slightly, it’s unclear whether he is actually listening behind his dark glasses. Ava presses on nonetheless, “I need you to find me a flower shop ASAP. Grocery store. Dingy back alley market place. Please. Anything!”
Levy has now also unbuckled his seatbelt in an attempt to grab ahold of her. “No! Let go of James! Ava, let go of James!” She will not. She will not let go of James. “James, we have to get to the venue, there’s no time for unplanned shady black market flower stops.” Levy is glaring daggers at James through the rearview mirror, all while tugging Ava off of him.
Ava grips James’ suit tighter. “James! Be a team player, James!”
When Levy manages to pry her off James and the centre console—seatbelt in hand and ready to restrain her—Ava flicks Levy in the forehead.
“Oh no YOU did not!” He grunts out.
The seatbelt clicks after several seconds of a struggle where both Ava and Levy end up with their fingers inside each other’s noses for a quick second, then, both simultaneously push each other away, repulsed.
The car comes to a complete stop.
“A flower shop, Miss Silva.”
Levy’s mouth hangs open in pure disbelief. “James…I don’t know what to say. I thought I could trust you. I thought you and I were a team. A solid, impenetra—”
Ava grabs ahold of Levy’s collar tugging him outside. “Stop your yapping, we have to focus! Leave Beatrice to me, she's easy.”
“I’m going to tell her you said that.”
“Excuse you, that is the mother of my future children you’re talking about.”
Levy turns, delighted. “Oh, you’ve got it bad, don’t you?” When she doesn’t react to his nonsense he presses on, “If I had a Birkin for every time one of you has said that, then I’d have two Birkins, it’s not a lot, but interesting that it has happened twice.”
Ava feels her mouth hang open by the reveal, it’s not discreet in the least, not that she needs to be in front of Levy. It’s not new information. Her and Beatrice had touched on the subject once, but then Beatrice had shyly dismissed the conversation and she hadn’t pushed. “Wait, what do you—Levy, has Beatrice said that about me?”
“You know when she does her nervous rambles?”Ava bobs her head up and down several times in encouragement. Anything to coax it out of him faster. She loves a good Beatrice nervous ramble. Very cute things come out of her mouth when that happens. “It just kinda slipped out and honestly it was a lot to digest in the moment with Alexander Skarsgård floating about, so my thoughts—stop looking at me like that!” He shrieks out in pain when Ava pinches his arm.
“What did she say?”
“Something about having to pretend like she doesn’t want to have your babies. It was in New York at the Met Gala. She wouldn’t stop staring.” He answers, suffocated, but completely at fault as to what has transpired.
“Beatrice wants to have my babies!” Ava squeaks out. The information overloads her mind instantly. Beatrice had said that. Before they were even officially dating.
“Has she not told you? I figured she might have blurted it out at some point given that she’s a nervous mess around you like all the goddamn time,” Levy’s wringing his hands, the subject matter, though fun to discuss, clearly makes him uncomfortable. Which reminds her, once Ava sorts out her own love life, she’s coming to Levy’s aid because he’s a hot mess with commitment issues. And he’s in desperate need of help. “Thinking about it now, I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t already set up a trust fund.”
Ava can feel her heart accelerating. Hope clinging to every word Levy is saying. “Levy,” she enunciates every syllable. “Has Beatrice ever said she wants to marry me?”
He laughs. “Ava, sweetheart. You’re my favourite chaotic entity, but do you really think that I would divulge that information freely?” He grips the door handle to the flower shop entrance, but doesn’t make any attempt to open it, eyes narrowing. “I would be skinned alive if I did.”
“I’ll make it worth your while.”
“Nothing you could ever offer me will outweigh being on Beatrice’s hit list.” Levy pushes the glass door open, scared to continue the conversation any further.
We’ll see about that.
They’re greeted right away by a friendly redhead with a quick wave. “I’ll be right with you,” she says in between several bouquets of sunflowers and hydrangeas.
“That’s fine,” Ava waves as well, already on the move for the carnations and pushing aside every other thought that’s threatening to come out. “Red. Red…a red carnation for Bea.” There’s several single ones standing loosely in a vase, she goes through them as if it’s the singular most important decision of her life. Scrutinising every petal for the perfect amount of red pigment and the perfect amount of volume.
“Good choice that one,” the shopkeeper pops in magically from their left, Levy startles like a cat next to her but pretends like he didn’t. They all saw him bristle up though. “Love and devotion. It’s no wonder as to why Renaissance artists used it to represent an overflowing heart.”
“Okay…” Levy shifts away, attempting to distract himself with a bird of paradise.
Ava smiles. “It’s our flower—my girlfriend and I’s, that is.” The one in her hand is perfect. And just holding it is making her giddy with anticipation of seeing Beatrice’s reaction to it.
“Are you getting flowers for her?”
“Yes. Well, just the one,” when the shopkeeper quirks her eyebrow in confusion Ava is quick to reassure, “It’s a whole thing. She’ll know.”
“Understood,” the shopkeeper replies, “My wife is the same way, she loves lilies.”
“What about this one?” Levy twists the stem in his hand catching both of their eyes.
“Bird of Paradise, real name’s Strelitzia, named after Charlotte of Strelitz. She married King George III, had 15 kids—”
“Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” Levy takes several steps away from the flower, the information overwhelming him instantly.
“I didn’t offer it,” the shopkeeper replies, “Luce. My name.”
“Luce,” Ava says, holding out the perfect carnation for Levy to take, he knows to be careful without being told, then she shifts her attention back to the florist. “I need your help with something.”
Luce nods. “I am at your service.”
Levy follows closely behind, the four bouquets he’s carrying obstructing his vision but he is as determined as she is at this point. They easily make their way through the arena’s endless concrete hallways with only the barest of vocal directions from Ava as to instruments, people or equipment in the way. Maneuvering unhindered through operational areas riddled with crew members pulling cords and sound equipment everywhere. They ignore the first few closed doors holding production offices and catering spaces, on a direct course to the green rooms.
Yasmine is all smiles upon seeing her, too ecstatic to properly put a sentence together at first.
“Hello, Yasmine,” Ava greets, gaze landing on Yasmine’s family behind her, all sitting along the couch. “Hello,” she waves in their direction as they greet her in return.
“Ava! You’re here! Beatrice said you'd come. We’re so happy you could make it.” Yasmine opens her arms, engulfing Ava in a hug. Turning her head ever so slightly to whisper into Ava’s ear before releasing her, “It’s so good to see you.”
Ava nods wordlessly, clearing her throat as a result of Yasmine's honest declaration. “I’ve got something for you, or Levy does,” Ava turns, plucking the bouquet of yellow and purple violets from Levy’s arms and presenting it to Yasmine, “Tadah!”
“Ava! You shouldn’t have. These are lovely!” Yasmine squeals. “Did you know violets are edible?” she divulges unprompted and it makes Ava beam. “Happiness and positivity with a hint of introspection.”
“Oh she’s good,” Levy says, eyebrows arched high, completely bewildered.
“Are these for the others?” Yasmine inquires, hand extending to gently touch the asters.
Ava nods excitedly.
The door next to Yasmine’s green room opens and Shannon steps out. “Mary! Look who’s here.”
Mary turns in her chair, the hair and makeup team in the middle of getting her ready. “Well, I’ll be damned. It’s good to see you here, Ava.”
“Hi,” Ava quickly waves, grabbing another bouquet from Levy’s arms. “Just wanted to drop these off and wish you a good show.”
“Sincerity and loyalty,” Yasmine adds seriously and totally into whatever this has turned into.
“Spot on!” Shannon takes the blue hyacinths from Ava, bringing them up to her nose and breathing them in. “Hmm…bananas.”
“Okay, I got spicy…how strange,” Ava adds, stumped.
“They smelled like licorice to me,” Levy says, and then forlornly adds, “I think I’m turning into my father…he loves licorice.”
Shannon makes a disgruntled face.
Mary sighs. “You’re all unhinged. Why do I continue to associate myself with any of you?”
Levy has left Ava and Yasmine with the last two bouquets and the carnation, needing to rush to meet Beatrice’s mum at the underground parking lot.
Ava had been aware of course, Beatrice had informed her that Vivian would be here tonight, but the nerves were definitely starting to creep in. This will be the first time seeing Vivian since their breakup and Beatrice has not been forthcoming with how much her mother knows or does not know. Not surprising in the least since this is typical Beatrice/Vivian behaviour.
“Ava!” Camila bodily collides with her the moment the door to her green room opens, sending Ava and her precious carnation stumbling backwards. Lilith scurries to them, grabbing Camila off her, but unfortunately Ava is five cheek kisses in by that point.
“Hello, Ava,” Lilith greets her, holding Camila in place.
“Hi guys!”
Camila brightens once her eyes catch the bouquets, rushing to Yasmine’s side. “Is that for us!?”
Ava can feel it. The need to match Camila’s energy. “It is!” She catches herself nodding excitedly for no reason and can’t bring herself to stop. “Yellow daisies for you, Cam, and for Lilith, purple asters.”
“Gimme gimme!”
Yasmine holds both bouquets out of reach. “Wait! You need to know what they mean!”
“Yasmine, they’re yellow, I’m sure they mean happiness!”
“EH!” Yasmine teases. “Incorrect. Yellow daisies mean more than that. They mean friendship, a new beginning, joy—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me my flowers!”
“Asters mean—”
“Admiration. It’s given to someone you greatly respect,” Ava interrupts, offering Yasmine a small smile as an apology for stealing her thunder.
Lilith grins toothily at that, grabbing ahold of her flowers before Camila has her way with them. “Thank you, Ava.” And now Ava feels bad for thinking of getting her a prickly cactus instead.
“Thank you, Lilith. I just—thank you. For, you know—”
Lilith tugs Ava in for a side hug and Camila’s eyes bulge out.
“What the heck was that?”
“Mind your business!”
Ava looks on fondly between them.
BEATRICE YOUNG
The paper next to the green room door reads.
Ava takes a deep breath. She’s alone now.
Does she knock? Does she just walk in? Would that be rude?
They’re dating. Beatrice is her girlfriend again.
Beatrice is expecting her. She can walk in if she wants.
No.
Ava knocks.
There’s a bit of shuffling inside the room before the door swings open.
(*)(*)
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last, love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
Ava feels rooted to the spot the moment her eyes land on Beatrice, breath caught in her lungs.
The satin slip dress Beatrice is wearing drapes elegantly to the floor. Its ivory tone is the perfect contrast to her tanned skin. The dress barely skims her silhouette. Ava’s eyes roam up her girlfriend’s curves and then upward following the deep plunging neckline. The oversized black blazer adding contrast and structure—a sharp modern edge to the otherwise delicate gown.
It’s not leaving a lot to the imagination. To Ava’s imagination, to be specific.
For a moment, neither of them dare to move. Taking each other in.
Beatrice smiles softly at her. A complete juxtaposition to the sophisticated and sharp makeup on her face.
“Are these extensions?” Ava raises the hand that’s not behind her back, touching the long and straight strands coming down past Beatrice’s waist.
“Some of it.” Beatrice’s eyes wander somewhere behind Ava in question. “What do you have back there?”
The carnation is revealed.
“For you.”
“Oh.” Beatrice takes it, stepping closer, close enough to lean down for a cheek kiss. A cheek kiss that lingers and makes Ava melt. Just barely grazing the sides of her lips. “Thank you.” Beatrice tugs her inside, closing the door behind them. “Was your flight okay?”
“Perfect.”
“Was Levy a pest?”
“In the best of ways.”
“Did you see the girls yet? I can take you—”
“I saw them on my way here.”
Beatrice looks down at the flower, shy and grappling with something. Then her head shakes and she sets the flower down on the makeup table. “May I kiss you?” she whispers.
Pardon the way that I stare
There's nothin' else to compare
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
But if you feel like I feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
They haven’t done that yet.
Cuddled? Yes. Woke up tangled? Yes. Kissed? Actually kissed? Nope. And that was okay. Ava hadn’t pushed, they would work up to it. Plus, it had been fun skirting around the matter. Catching Beatrice looking at her lips during their impromptu date and the days that followed. It made her giddy and sent a little thrill up her spine every time Beatrice looked away with a blush.
“Bea, of course—”
“I’ve just been—you’re here,” there’s a frustrated frown forming, which looks adorable rather than concerning, “And you’ve brought me our flower. And I can’t pretend anymore. Because I want to kiss you. And I know that it’s too—”
“Beatrice,” Ava says, half serious and half giggling, “Please kiss me before I kiss you.”
For a few heartbeats neither of them move. Ava just stares as Beatrice’s hand comes to her clothed arm, tentative at first, fingers running along the fabric then bare skin as she caresses her way up to Ava’s shoulder towards her neck.
Ava doesn’t have the time to feel her chest expand in anticipation because Beatrice’s other hand has come to the high waist of her trousers, tugging on the strings. The gentle pull is enough to bring both their bodies together.
Beatrice’s thumb brushes along the curve of Ava’s jaw, her eyes set on what she wants, but using the time to sit in the moment. Beatrice leans down and a sigh spills out of Ava, eyes fluttering shut.
The kiss is soft at first. Slowly finding the reverence of things they both missed. Memorising each other all over again. Noses gently nudging against the other’s. Beatrice’s thumb brushes over warm skin as their mouths move against each other, unhurriedly. Everything deepens and becomes frenzied the moment Ava’s hands slip into Beatrice’s hair, stroking softly at the base of her neck, drawing her closer.
I need you baby
If it's quite alright
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say, “okay”
The creak of the door alerts them instantly, causing both to pull away unwillingly, breaking away from the kiss. Breaths heavy and uneven.
Beatrice’s head jerks towards the door and suddenly all the blood rushes to her face.
“I probably should have knocked,” Vivian says awkwardly from behind, and it mortifies Ava.
They both scramble to face her.
Beatrice has red lipstick smudged all over her lips—Ava’s red lipstick. Beatrice wouldn't know it’s there, but Ava can see it. And Vivian can definitely see it.
Vivian is holding in a chuckle at the sight of it. Her prim and proper daughter besmirched right in front of her eyes. Ava should feel guilty about it, but she can’t find it in herself to, especially when Beatrice is trying her best to be composed at the sight of her mother. And failing miserably. Beatrice just looks too adorable.
Oh, pretty baby
Don't let me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I've found you, stay
And let me love you, oh baby
Let me love you, oh baby
Ava takes mercy upon the situation, cupping Beatrice’s face in her hands. There’s a flinch, an instinctual response to anything physical happening in front of Vivian, but Beatrice is quick to correct herself, allowing Ava to run her thumbs along the sides of her lips. Ava carefully rubs the red lipstick off as best she can. Vivian laughs when it seems like the rouge won’t come off easily and Beatrice’s blush deepens further, a petulant little bounce in her foot as she brings both of her arms to her hips.
“This is mortifying,” Beatrice grits out.
“Indeed,” Vivian agrees, teasingly. “Don’t mind me, carry on. Just passing by on the way to my seat.”
“Take Ava with you.”
“What?”
Did her voice just wobble? Fuck. It wobbled didn’t it?
“You’re sitting with mum.”
“Good,” Vivian says, and it sounds suspiciously close to amusement, which frightens Ava. “We can catch up.”
With one last look at Beatrice’s waving figure, Ava turns to follow Vivian out of the green room.
Fuck.
They’re both quiet as they are directed through the backstage passageways and led to their box seats by an usher. Ava’s eyes tracking Vivian’s lithe figure out of the corner of her eye as she walks beside her, Vivian’s carriage and grace as she navigates the hallways reminiscent of her past as a ballerina. It was with no small amount of regret in her tone that she had regaled Ava, during that congee dinner, with a few stories of her past as a dancer before choosing to give it up; at the insistence of her parents, to pursue a formal education.
The atmosphere between the two of them is… civil, if a bit stiff. There’s no frost or anger emanating out of Vivian, just the self-assured, non-plussed demeanour of a parent who may or may not know with some specificity that Ava ripped her child’s heart out, ran it over a few times, then did all manner of things, including breaking up her relationship with a saint of a respectable children’s book writer, all to get her back.
Yeah…she’s fucked.
It’s safe to say, she’s petrified.
She sends up a prayer to an unknown deity that there’s always someone, anyone, around. Surely, Vivian wouldn’t kill her with people nearby, right? She’s relatively sure that diplomatic immunity doesn’t exist in your own country, and doesn’t carry on after you’re no longer a diplomat…except for the pesky issue that Vivian likely knows assassins. Oh dear god. She’s starting to pick up on Beatrice’s myriad of nervous, rambly traits.
After they settle into seats beside each other, Vivian turns to her. Ava gulps and braces herself for impact. Vivian’s eyes are dark and solemn, a serious set to her mouth, “Ava, I saw that you came out publicly. How has that been?”
She’s completely taken aback, her mouth falling open in shock, wholly unable to mask her confusion. This is not at all how she had expected this to go. She stammers a few times before articulating a reply, “U–uh, it’s been…it’s been as expected. Lots of messages of love and support, happiness from some, but as always, the negative minority have a tendency to be very loud. My team has been handling it, keeping an eye on all the online discourse. I’ve stayed off social media for the most part. For me personally though, it’s been freeing. I’ve felt lighter, happier.”
“Good. Good. I’m glad to hear it.” Vivian smiles disarmingly at her, and briefly scratches at the back of her ear. Beatrice. So much like Beatrice.
Is it just her imagination or is the collar of this blazer getting tighter and tighter? Is it really hot in this stadium or is it just her?
“Ava.” Crap. Vivian’s tone has cooled considerably now. “There was a while where Beatrice reverted back to her old ways, her avoidant and non-communicative ways. From what I have heard from the other girls, I gather that I wasn’t alone in witnessing this.”
Ava subtly rubs her clammy palms against her pants. She can feel the steady uptick of her pulse, and does her best to mask the rapid breaths she’s taking.
Vivian stops. A rise of her shoulders evident as she takes a deep breath and thinks through what she’s about to say, “I don’t say this to guilt you or cause you any unhappiness in any way but after many months of her old behaviour, Beatrice visited me one evening and broke down in a flood of tears. Over you. Over past history,” Vivian pauses again, a pained and worried expression engulfing her features, her tone tender as she relives the event, “It unearthed a lot of the old wounds, old pain that we had been working to move past. But she managed to recover. With the benefit of time.”
Vivian reaches out a hand to Ava’s hand, the hand that is trembling ever so slightly against atop her thigh, and gives it a quick, comforting squeeze before withdrawing her hand again. “I’m saying this because I see how happy you make Beatrice. Sarah––,” Vivian pauses briefly, seeing Ava tense up completely, before forging ahead, “Sarah is a wonderful person and on paper, she and Beatrice are perfectly compatible. But, Ava, watching you with Beatrice, I get to see something––a spark, a freedom—in Beatrice that I haven’t seen in a really long time. She’s so at ease when she’s around you, and she’s wholly herself. You let her be herself. As a mother, you just want someone to treat your child well and love her for who she is, so I hope that everything that happened was a blip, a one-time occurrence. And I never wish to see it happen again, do you understand me?”
Ava swallows down the hard lump in her throat, her nods getting more and more emphatic as she answers, “Ye—yes, Vivian. Absolutely. I have zero plans to hurt Beatrice. Ever again.”
“I’m pleased to hear that. I hope you and Beatrice work hard together and make this work.”
Now, Vivian settles back fully into her seat but continues to look at Ava, unblinkingly. Eyes large and luminous. Ava isn’t sure but she thinks a flicker of mirth crosses Vivian’s face before it vanishes again. Maybe she imagined it.
“Seeing as you brought up plans. What are your plans, or intentions rather, towards my daughter?”
Ava blanches. She’s sure her face pales several shades beneath her makeup. “I—uh—that is, um, you see, ho—how, I…I uh, um, g—g—g, do you—hmm, you—” it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion in front of her, one that she is unable to prevent, totally caught off guard by Vivian’s question. Vivian’s face, at first, amused by her stuttering mess, slowly morphs into real concern as she continues to stutter non-stop, seconds dragging into a full minute. Finally, she squeaks out a high pitched but comprehensible, “I have a ring.” Oh my god. Ava claps her hand over her mouth. Eyes bulging out. She hadn’t meant to blurt that out. Certainly not to Vivian of all people. Not now.
Vivian too had not expected that answer. Her own eyes widen in shock, her mouth parting ever so slightly, a sag to her posture as she leans heavily into her seat. Ava’s eyes skitter nervously over Vivian’s bodily cues, unsure what to make of it.
There’s an unexpected flurry of activity to her left, breaking the both of them away from the unintended staring contest.
It’s Emilia. Hurrying towards them as the lights begin to dim, signalling the start of the concert. Emilia throws herself into her seat with a relieved sigh, loudly exclaiming to Ava, “Finalmente estoy aquí. No pensé que lo iba a lograr. Me cago en este país abandonado por Dios y su clima estupido. Empezó a llover de nada. ¿No se supone que es primavera?” (I'm finally here. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I shit on this godforsaken country and its stupid weather. It started raining from nothing at all. Isn’t it supposed to be Spring?)
Ava goes rigid with horror, silently conveying her dismay with a quick shake of her head at Emilia.
There’s a chuff of laughter from her right as Vivian leans past Ava, smoothly extending a hand towards Emilia. “Hi Emilia, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Vivian, Beatrice’s mum. And from what Ava’s just told me, you might need to get used to this godforsaken country.”
Emilia barks out a laugh, shooting a quick but panicked glance Ava’s way, smoothly collecting herself and bringing out her charisma (uniqueness, nerve and talent). “Hi, Vivian. It’s so nice to finally meet you as well. We’ll have to chat properly after the concert. Maybe over a family dinner?”
Oh god. Kill her now.
(*)(*)
Flowers still look pretty when they're dying
Beatrice’s voice resonates and echoes throughout the pitch dark arena.
No lights to take away from the sentiment.
No other sound apart from Beatrice’s impeccable delivery.
An unexpected comfort envelops Ava as Beatrice continues.
Blue skies always there behind the rain
Rain
The song when it was written by both of them held so much hurt and uncertainty.
To hear it now, in such a setting and after so long shatters the earth beneath her.
It leaves her shaking to her core.
Oceans swallow all of the feelings
I know it's just temporary pain
Pain
Peace settles within her as the spotlight brightens over Beatrice who had been sitting along the edge of the stage. Dress splayed prettily underneath her. As Ava follows her girlfriend’s sitting form up, her eyes land upon the red carnation on Beatrice’s hair.
She smiles, tears brimming at the side of her eyes, taken aback by the unexpected gesture.
Beatrice stands and walks close to her band members. Utterly joyous and free. Her voice, striking and rising with grace—without the need to be stretched, laced with sincerity and power.
I never thought that I'd get this right
But I finally know what it feels like
To be alive, to be alive
Opened my eyes, feels like the first time
That I finally know what it feels like
To be alive
Ava breathes in a sigh of relief.
At herself.
At Beatrice.
At both having found the strength to transcend their fears.
Together.
I swear that sometimes I get to be my worst enemy
I swear this whole time, the answer's been right in front of me
Ava turns to look at Vivian beside her, attention fully on her daughter. And then to Emilia, who is not looking at the stage but at her instead.
Her gaze settles back on Beatrice.
The perfect light at the end of a confusing and unexpected tunnel.
Like magic, always changing her perspective.
All of the beauty and love I could not see
I see you now, I see you now
—
When it finally happens, it catches both of them by surprise.
It was a night like so many others before.
Ava towing Beatrice by the hand, on their way back from their favourite Indian restaurant, excitedly pointing at a shop window, cooing over the stylish matching raincoat, umbrella and gumboots on display. Beatrice had rolled her eyes affectionately, promising that they would come back the next day to browse the store properly.
Ava had squealed, then flung her arms around Beatrice’s neck and tugged her into a kiss. Right smack dab in the middle of a moderately quiet London street.
It was so natural, like second nature to the both of them that it wasn’t until their lips had separated, heads still pressed closed to one another that Ava and Beatrice had both frozen in shock. Blinking at each other, hardly breathing. Twin expressions of ingrained fear and apprehension had flickered across their faces before they had shrugged in unison.
Oh well.
Beatrice had gently palmed Ava’s face, guiding her back in for a second kiss right then and there, before continuing on their journey back home. Ava swinging her takeaway bag of Kulfi all the while.
—
My Love
[Dinner is running long and I think the team still wants to go somewhere after. I’ll call as soon as I can.]
[Fine.]
[Call me when you get back.]
[Yes, I will.]
Habits are hard to break. They don’t always get it right.
And their lives are busy and unpredictable.
When Beatrice picks up the video call, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she’s met with an immediate greeting from Ava.
“Bea.” An uncontrollable wide grin spreads across Ava’s face, her eyes crinkling with the force of it, “I’m so sorry. I’ve woken you…but I’m just so happy to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”
She quickly clambers up from the bed, glancing at Camila’s prone form before stepping into the bathroom, turning on the lights, and closing the door behind her. The brightness of the lights is startling and adds to the irritation mounting within her.
Beatrice eyes the image of Ava through her phone screen, still bright eyed and energetic, a total contrast to her sleepy, exhausted self, and can’t help the snark that bleeds into her tone as she sharply replies, “Did you just get back now? It’s really late…almost 3 AM.”
She sees herself wince alongside Ava on the screen. Her frustration is abundantly clear to the both of them.
Ava chews at the bottom of her lip before answering her. “Yes, just now… I’m sorry. I know it’s late. The team really wanted to go for drinks after dinner and I couldn’t—didn’t want to say no. I just chatted for a bit and came straight back.”
Even now, in her annoyance, the mere sight of Ava’s face and voice—a face she hasn’t seen and a voice she hasn’t heard from in two days—makes something finally relax within her. Beatrice blows out an exasperated breath, hand coming up to rub at the crinkle that has formed between her eyebrows.
“I’m sorry too. That was unwarranted. We’ve both been busy.”
Ava had been unable to wrap up the filming of her music video in time to make their online date. Beatrice had to give up on her wait and head to sleep, desperate for any kind of rest before waking up for her own schedule. Ava had only managed to sneak away briefly to send her a quick text message in apology and to let her know not to wait up.
Then it had been Beatrice’s turn to cancel on Ava, caught up in a late night writing and jam session with the band, one that was flowing too smoothly to want to stop. Ava had been understanding over text.
When it had seemed that Ava would need to cancel again today, terse words had been exchanged via text. Beatrice regretting the clear implications that had come across in her messages.
—
That’s the fourth one.
The fourth.
The fourth thing to land on her.
Ava lazily opens her eyes, blinking away the drowsiness and adjusting to the dimness of the airplane cabin. Upon first inspection nothing seems amiss. The band is either fast asleep, in Mary’s case, or in Yasmine’s case, aggressively playing with her Switch. It’s a tad concerning since she’s pretty sure Yasmine is in the exact same position that she left her in hours ago. Camila is still otherwise occupied across the aisle to her right, busily working on a song. She had occasionally leaned over to get Ava’s opinion on parts of it before Ava fell asleep.
Beatrice’s soft rhythmic breathing is threatening to lull Ava back to sleep. Back to unconsciousness. The weight of her slack body in Ava’s arms doing a great job at keeping her nice and warm. With a nuzzle against her girlfriend's cheek Ava settles back into her chair in an attempt to succumb to sleep again, eyelids slowly blinking close.
Something pelts Ava’s forehead and her eyes burst open.
Dark hair flows downward from one of the seats two rows in front of her.
Hmm.
There’s a few crumpled pieces of paper on her thighs and some on the floor around them.
Ava shuts her eyes again, heightens her senses and listens for the tell of someone rustling about in the cabin. Beatrice rearranges herself, arms tightening around Ava’s waist as she settles back down.
And then it comes, the sound of another crumpled piece of paper landing by them. Beatrice releases a soft groan when it hits her. She’s on the cusp of waking up and it immediately riles Ava up.
They’re being deliberately targeted.
Without hesitation, Ava reaches for the hair tie holding Beatrice’s messy hair up. An action that of course stirs Beatrice again, but Ava is quick to rake her nails soothingly through her scalp, calming her back to sleep.
She remembers there’s an unused napkin in the pouch in front of her. Uncomfortably, Ava stretches her arm as far as she can without disrupting the precious bundle on top of her any further. When she finally pinches the napkin between two fingers, she has a mini celebration in her head, basically salivating by the time she has it folded enough times that it has become a deadly projectile. Whoever she hits with it is about to acquire a black eye.
And she knows she should be the better person, she should just ignore it, it’s silly, it’s just—
A ball of paper hits Beatrice square in the forehead and Ava sees red.
Beatrice’s hand comes to rub at the spot, an instantaneous pout becoming apparent and it’s adorably petulant. Eyebrows doing the sad ‘I can’t believe you’ve done this’ thing right before someone actually wakes up from their restful sleep.
Before Ava knows it, she’s got the napkin missile wrapped around the hair tie and in the next, she’s pulling it back as far as she can. And she should know better than to let this loose on an airplane 12,000 meters from the safety of solid ground, but whoever is doing this has crossed the line.
Waking Beatrice means war.
Lilith turns herself in her seat to face them. She swings her hand back, crumpled paper in hand.
Ava lets go of the shot, the elastic in the hair tie snaps back with enough strength that it strikes her in the hand as she releases it, forcing her to stifle a yelp.
Lilith cries out in pain, hand immediately coming to rub at her forehead before sitting back down roughly on her chair with a ‘thwump’.
Levy swivels in his seat in front of them. His bushy eyebrows are all Ava can see until he holds himself up long enough to make the connection of the events, eyes roaming from Lilith’s seat to Ava.
“I told you it was Lilith, pay up,” he shoves Alice next to him.
A mistake obviously.
He squeaks in fear when Alice grabs ahold of his collar and yanks him down low enough that their noses are centimetres apart. Ava guesses at this, she can’t actually see much through the crack between the chairs. “Did you know commercial airplanes don’t carry parachutes for passengers?”
“Why would I need to know that? Like, isn’t it just super impractical and logistically imposs—”
Alice shuts Levy’s mouth with her other hand, squishing his lips together. “If the fall doesn’t kill you—with the thin air and freezing temperatures—then I will.”
Levy whimpers.
“Let me sleep!”
Still in her fit of simmering fury and revenge, Ava awkwardly stretches her arm as far as it will go to stab at the screen in front of her, selecting the cabin communication app. “Villain, I have done thy mother!” she types in and hits send.
Ava readjusts herself in her seat, arms running along Beatrice’s side. She feels herself relax again. Beatrice’s breathing lulling her back into a sleepy state. And she’s almost there. She can almost feel her body fall back into that sweet, sweet slumber. But she hears it again, the rustling and then she’s opening her eyes to find that a pellet has missed both of them, landing on the aisle beside her.
Her eyes dart to Lilith who snickers, red mark painted across her forehead, while holding out her phone for Ava to look at.
LOSER
—
Ava Silva, Returning to Her Roots And Paving New Ground
By: Hans La Vasseur for OUT Magazine
One Wednesday morning in May, Ava Silva sat across from me at the busy Paludan Bogcafé in Copenhagen. A space housing hundreds of classic books. All within grasp.
Ava smiles brightly after coming from a morning jog around Nyhavn. Denmark’s 17th-century waterfront, exquisitely lined with brightly coloured townhouses and historical wooden ships.
She runs her hand through her long wavy hair, taming the strands back from their perch around her rosy post-workout face. She’s wearing casual running shoes and a matching set of lycra active wear. The casualness of it all is intriguing. Here is the storyteller herself, completely at ease in this environment, surrounded by the stories that helped shape her.
The drinks come, hers a macchiato. She leans forward looking at my ginger and lemon green tea. “I wish I would have gone for the tea instead,” says Ava, who turns 32 in July. We both chuckle after I offer my tea willingly, but she shyly shakes her head, drinking her macchiato in a few quick gulps.
When we meet, it seems as though nothing can stop Ava Silva. Her forthcoming album, the follow-up to the Grammy award winning Liturgia, is imminent. To other artists, a new album cycle usually means a mad scramble of press interviews, brand contracts, and public appearances. But to Ava Silva, now a veteran in the game, it’s a casual drop with limited schedules allowing her more time to focus on life instead.
Although she won’t divulge what her new album sounds like just yet—much to my dismay—she is happy to say that coming back to her roots has liberated her in many ways. “It’s strange. I wanted so badly to break away from that—from everything that was me. I thought that wanting a change would make me happy, pursuing something different. But it didn’t. Commercially, I was happy. Internally, I was elated but grappling with a lot. The changes were bursting through from the album and into my life and I wasn’t ready.”
Our conversation is wedged between the old and the new Ava Silva. A story teller then and a story teller now. But there’s a shift in the air. It flows differently. Carrying a certain weight now. When asked about her next chapter, she replies, “The price to pay and the sacrifice it takes to have a lucrative career is immense and I have found that I no longer need that to be happy. I can have everything I want, in a sense. I just never thought I could.”
“Personally, I feel like I’ve grown so much in these last few years. I took some time to myself—to truly sort myself out. I think I’ve always known how I felt, I didn’t need to come to terms with that,” she says in regards to her sudden bisexual reveal at the start of February this year. “It had more to do with accepting that my career could be balanced alongside all these feelings I was having. And knowing that I could continue to flourish. It seems silly now, the thought, how I managed to get myself into such a bad headspace.”
Regarding her dating life, she says, with a shy grin, “There are moments where I have to take a step back and actually tell myself to breathe because I just want to tell anyone and everyone about her.” They have been rumoured to be dating in the past, but it’s only now that Ava officially sets the record straight—or not. Beatrice Young, the lead singer and front woman of the incredible British band The Cruciforms, is her girlfriend. Her smile widens as she adds, “She’s been patient with me and gives me so much support. There are days where it’s difficult to pull myself away from the negative reactions and I know that it’s not what I should focus on. There are young people out there that look up to me—to us, and they find courage in what I’ve done. And Beatrice, she reminds me of that every time.”
Ava speaks up again, her gaze caught on the figure in the balcony above. “Beatrice has always been unapologetically herself from the get go and I admired her so much for having that bravery. A bravery that I was envious of. I was brave in my own way, but not for what truly mattered.” And as if on cue, a head pops out. It’s Beatrice with an opened book in hand, waving animatedly down at her girlfriend. Both exchanging long glances between one another.
We wave back, and I can tell they’re both eager to get back to their time together. The Cruciforms are deep into their European leg of their tour, and their time together is precious given that Ava’s own schedules are about to pick up. So, we both stand and Beatrice rushes down the steps to meet Ava by the front door of the cafe, palm open and ready for her hand.
The article says “rumoured”, it doesn’t actually confirm they dated in the past.
@Ant-Beaia
SHUT UP!
@Alms4theCruciforms
Don’t ruin this for them @LilithFan16wwwn…for all our sakes.
—
As Alice and Ava enter the hotel lobby, the evening concierge calls out to them, “Ms. Silva, a moment please.”
The two of them exchange quizzical looks as they pause in their intended journey upstairs to their respective rooms. They change direction and walk towards the concierge behind the reception counter. At their approach, the concierge murmurs into the ear of one of the attendants and the attendant disappears into the back office.
“Ms. Silva, Ms. Williams, I hope you’re both having a lovely evening. Pardon the intrusion. An arrangement came for the both of you while you were out.”
The cloud of confusion lifts the moment the attendant emerges from the office, cradling a bouquet of deep red carnations in one hand and a pastry box in the other.
There’s no furtive concealment this time. The block letters on the card loudly display, “TO AVA. LOVE FROM, BEATRICE.” Evident to anyone who looks at the bouquet.
Alice flips open the lid of the pastry box once they’re both in the elevator and headed up to their rooms, heads crowding close to look.
It’s a baker’s dozen of plain scones. A delighted gasp works its way out of Alice’s mouth. “I mentioned that I was craving proper English scones and was whinging about how long it’s been since I had one. Can’t believe that Beetle found them.”
Ava is still in the midst of grabbing the garment bags for her morning schedule from Alice’s room when there’s a knock on the door.
“Room service,” a disembodied voice calls out followed by the sound of departing footsteps down the carpeted hallway.
As they open the door they find sitting on a platter, two identical glass serving dishes full of clotted cream and jam.
“Goddamn it, Ava. How has she thought of everything?”
—
Beatrice wearily trudges her way up the stairs, too tired to lift her carry-on suitcase up. Instead, it bangs into every step as she tows it along behind her. They have a blissful five days break before flying out to start the next leg of the tour and she has returned home to decompress and sleep most of the down time away.
Unfortunately, Ava is busy with her own schedule in the United States and unable to fly back to be with her for the brief reprieve from the tour. Vivian is likewise busy and away on a work trip.
The familiar sight of the tidy living room greets her as she swings open the door, instantly filling her with the relief of being home and in her own space. The relief is short-lived when she opens the fridge and is greeted with bare shelves, and empty cupboards with the exception of uncooked rice and non-perishables.
The doorbell rings just as Beatrice exits the bathroom, still running a towel through her wet locks. Her brows furrow. She’s not expecting anyone. There’s no one at the door when she sneaks a peek out the peephole. Just a multitude of jute bags and one big paper bag.
It’s groceries.
The bags are full to the brim of baked goods, fresh fruits, and vegetables, as well as a few of her favourite snacks. Her mouth instantly salivates and her stomach grumbles hungrily in response to the delicious aroma emitting out of the paper bag as it reaches her nostrils.
Yep, it’s full of containers upon containers of roast meats, fried rice and noodles from their favourite Cantonese restaurant. Beatrice crows in delight when she spots the pearl milk tea and sago nestled amongst it all.
This could only have been organised by one person.
She’s suddenly full of beans as she hauls all of the bags up the stairs in one go. Scrambling to pop a straw into the milk tea and find her phone to call Ava.
When Ava picks up the video call after a few rings, Beatrice is greeted by the sight of her girlfriend’s sleepy face, her smile half smushed against a pillow and eyes still blinking the grogginess away.
Ava rasps out her greeting, “Amor, I missed you. How was the flight?”
“It was fine. Flight’s not important.” Beatrice swings the camera to point towards all the bags, before continuing, “Thank you my love, you didn’t have to do all this but thank you.”
“Yes, I do Beatrice. You’re mine to take care of.”
—
Her lips are moving and she’s responding to Dora’s question but Ava is not cognisant of what’s actually coming out of her mouth. Instead, Ava is surreptitiously scanning the street behind Randall and Camila’s figures, lest Camila tease her again for being so co-dependent. Her ears are pricked for the sound of those footfalls she knows so well.
Beatrice had offered to pick her up after dinner and suggested that they could go for an evening walk before heading home. She had texted Beatrice as the last of the dessert plates were cleared and has been eagerly awaiting her arrival ever since.
The thrum of her pulse beats quicker with anticipation, just with the overpowering thought of knowing that Beatrice is near and may appear at any second.
The streets of London take on an enchanting gleam and shine, almost as if at any moment a parade of treble clef brass instruments will pass by and a man in a top hat and a morning suit might prance across the pavement.
So focused is Ava, that she, in fact, startles when a familiar figure turns around the corner at the end of the street and strides quickly towards them. Her first instinct is to break into a run towards Beatrice and close the distance between them. The only thing holding her back is the thought of all the mocking she will receive from the group.
Screw it.
She barrels towards her girlfriend, and runs headlong into her waiting arms. Beatrice engulfs her into a tight squeeze, already starting to laugh, “You just saw me a few hours ago.”
“A few hours too many. I missed you the moment I left.” Ava presses a kiss onto Beatrice’s smiling lips, mouth stretched wide with her precious dimple making an appearance. Beatrice is wearing her glasses and looks perfectly rumpled and adorable. “Have I told you lately that you look like the hot librarian of my dreams whenever you wear your glasses? Be still, my beating heart.” Ava reaches up and gently taps at the frame of Beatrice’s glasses.
“Avaaaaaaaa. Stop.” Beatrice’s ears are turning pink in tandem with the sudden flush working its way up her cheeks.
“Okay, okay. Come,” Ava answers with a chortle, pressing another quick kiss onto the pink cheeks, helpless against the smattering of freckles across the bridge of Beatrice’s nose and the apple of her cheeks before towing her hand in hand back to the group.
As they draw near, the group pivots towards them, loudly crooning nauseating endearments directed at each other. Completely uncaring of anyone overhearing.
“Oh Crimson, snookums, did you have a good dinner?” Dora says with an impressively straight face.
“Absolutely, honeybunches! Camila, my beloved pooh bear, will you take me out for a—HEY!” Crimson yells out scandalised, complete with an overdramatic hand placed on her forehead at the sight of Ava making a rude gesture in return.
“God only knows what the Academy was thinking when you won Best Supporting Actress, Crimson.”
“Fuck you, Ava!” This time it’s Crimson’s turn to flip Ava off, reaching out a long arm to playfully swat at her. Instead, the hit lands on Beatrice as Beatrice quickly pivots Ava out of the way. “Oops. Sorry, Bea. It’s good to see you.”
Ava glowers at Crimson, while her hand gently rubs at Beatrice’s arm.
“Hi everyone, did you have a good time?” Beatrice greets them all.
As the group all take it in turns to greet Beatrice back and chat, Camila skips forward and slips her arm around Beatrice’s spare arm, leaning adoringly into her shoulder and gazing upwards at Beatrice with an exaggerated expression on her face all while repeatedly batting her eyelashes. “Honeybea, are you here to take me home too?”
Ava reaches her arm past Beatrice’s waist, and gently shoves Camila, pushing her off Beatrice while pulling a pretend-disgusted face. “Hone—”
“Excuse me!” Camila interrupts Ava with a loud exclamation, “Why I oughta…I’ll have you know that I was here first, you know!?”
As the two of them descend into playful squabbles, each pulling exaggeratedly at Beatrice, Nico arrives to much fanfare from Randall. “Oh, thank god! Nico, you’re here just in time. Rescue me from their idiocy. I don’t know why I keep hanging out with these uncouth people.”
Nico’s twin dimples appear on either side of his face as Randall kisses his jaw and they all cheerfully greet him. He’s much more comfortable with them now, and has even joined them on a few excursions.
Shortly thereafter, everyone begins to disperse in quick succession.
Dora, Randall and Nico, all strolling off in the same direction. Ava and Beatrice, wait for Crimson and Camila to clamber into a taxi, and watch it depart, before they too start to walk away from the restaurant frontage.
“Ava, we’re near St Dunstan’s. Want to go walk along the perimeter before we head home?” Beatrice proffers, fingers intertwined with Ava’s as they swing their arms back and forth.
“Always.” She pulls their arms above their heads and guides Beatrice into a twirl as they continue down the footpath.
It’s deep into the evening when they arrive at St Dunstan’s and the wrought iron gates are shut, secured by a loose chain and padlock. Their gazes meet, both with the same idea in mind as they look back at the loose chain. Beatrice’s eyebrows already wiggling mischievously.
Beatrice is heaving at one side of the gate, creating enough of a gap for Ava to twist and contort her body through before Ava wedges her body into the space to let Beatrice through. Their giggles and the huffs of their exertion are the only sounds in the quiet night, both trying to muffle their laughter amid the squeak of the iron as they try not to draw the attention of any would-be passersby to their illicit activity.
Ava has to catch her breath at the sight of Beatrice, here, amongst the backdrop of St Dunstan’s, the scent of the flora in the air, and the moonlight shining down upon them.
It’s pure magic.
“Tell me when you really wanted to kiss me.”
“When you stumbled in St. Dunstan’s.”
“You wanted to then?”
“Without a doubt.”
She thinks of that walnut brown box, still sitting in her desk drawer, back in Madrid, and looks up at Beatrice. Gazes at the utter joy on Beatrice’s face. Her features, partially highlighted by the moonlight and partially hidden by the tree shadows.
Even as Ava is reaching up to cradle the back of Beatrice’s neck, it’s clear that the same memories are dancing through Beatrice’s mind as she turns her face downwards towards Ava in the same instant, their lips meeting halfway. Always.
Maybe someday soon.
—
My love
[When I was young, I never needed anyone.]
[??]
[And making love was just for fun.]
[!! WHATWQ]
[Those days are gone…]
[Bea?? What’s wrong?]
Incoming video call
As Ava’s concerned face loads into view on the phone screen, Beatrice sucks in a deep breath and bellows out, “ALLLLLLLLLL BY MYSELFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!”
Realisation dawns on Ava’s face, body jolting up and down on the screen in time with her laughter.
Beatrice continues, undeterred, “DON’T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELFFFF ANYMOREEEEEEEE!!!!”
Ava whistles in appreciation at the sustained note, joining in on the next lines, “All by myself, don’t wanna live,”
And together they break into the infamous Celine yell, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
(*)(*)
—
Alice turns in the seat next to her. Face exasperated but equally concerned. “What’s wrong? What’s happening to your face? Why is your mouth doing the pout thing?” she asks, eyebrows high and not amused.
Nothing’s wrong, not really. Ava is perfectly fine. She’s ecstatic. The happiness is oozing out of her. But right now she is, in fact, pouting. Beatrice’s current timezone is making it difficult to keep in touch. By the time they’re able to squeeze in some time for each other, one of them needs to head off to a schedule or catch up on sleep.
The heavy sigh escapes Ava without her meaning it to. “I’m fine. Just frustrated.”
(*)(*)
“Chiquitita, tell me what’s wroOoOoOong,” Alice’s lack of pitch jarring to Ava’s ears within seconds, “You’re enchained by your own sorroOoOoOoOow.” She pokes at Ava’s side and continues the relentless assault, “Innn your eyes there is no hope for tomorroOoOoOoOow!”
Ava giggles. “Oh my God, stop. You’re terrible.”
“How I hate to see you like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!!!!!”
“Alice Williams! Stop!”
“CHIQUITITA, TELL ME THE TRUuUuUuUuTH!”
“If I tell you, will you shut up?”
“I’M A SHOULDER YOU CAN CRYYYYYYYYYYY OOOO—”
Ava rushes over, placing her hand forcefully over Alice’s mouth, effectively muting her. “I miss Beatrice, okay?”
“Oh for crying out loud! Ava! Go to Beatrice.”
“I can’t. It’s—I think I might be overwhelming her. Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t want to push too much. She needs space. Freedom. I feel like I haven’t given her much of that. And what—”, Ava cuts herself off, a shaky breath escaping her, she screws up her eyes and blurts it out in one go, “AndI’mscared.WhatifsheactuallyregretsallofthisandwondersifshewantstobewithSarahandifI…
what if I’m not doing enough, or if I’m around too much or not around enough then she might—”
Alice cuts Ava off mid sentence, grabbing her arm and actively shaking her like a ragdoll. “Are you hearing yourself? You sound insane. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to slap you so har—”
“Alice. I’ve been following her along for months now. She’s probably sick of—”
“Ava.” Alice grits out. Eyes bore into her own. This action, when it comes from her assistant, instantly makes her nervous. “Don’t you think Beatrice feels the same way you do? You guys are so disgustingly in love with each other. Just go be with her. I guarantee she’s desperate to see you.”
“Yeah?”
“YES!” Alice knocks her on the head, hard, then begins to look through her phone. She’s scrolling through flights. As Ava leans in to have a look, Alice doesn't pause in her search as she says, in an exasperated manner, “Idiots! The both of you. No wonder Levy has been extra complainy lately.”
“I’m going to call her.”
“I don’t need a play by play.” Alice makes eye contact with their driver through the rearview mirror. “To the airport, Martín, and put your foot on the pedal. Please.”
“Hello?” Comes Beatrice’s greeting through the phone after several rings.
(*)(*)
Baby, don't make me spell it out for you
All of the feelings that I've got for you
Can't be explained, but I can try for you
Yeah, baby, don't make me spell it out for you
“Hi!” Ava exclaims, nervously.
Alice clicks her tongue. “There’s a flight in two hours, is that okay?” she asks, shoving the phone in Ava’s face for confirmation.
“Yeah, I’ll just take whatever is in my bag, it should be fine.”
“What’s fine? Is something wrong?” Beatrice’s tone shifts.
“Bea, everything is fine. I’m actually—would it be okay if I came to see you?” She doesn’t know why her first instinct is to ask for permission but she does anyway. She needs to give Beatrice the choice.
“You’re coming?!” Beatrice rejoices. “Wait. Are you here? Should I come get you? You didn’t tell me. We’ve just finished dinner. I’ll grab Levy to get a car ready—”
“Amor.”
“Hmm?”
“I’m on my way to the airport now. I’ll be on the next flight out.”
“Oh!” Beatrice pauses, for a few seconds, “I got so happy, I thought maybe you were here already. It’s such a long flight. You’re telling me that now I have to wait?”
Ava giggles. “Yes, I’m sorry. I should have maybe done this sooner but I thought you probably needed a break from me.”
“A break from you? I couldn’t possibly. You’ll make it just in time for the university interview we’re doing. Levy will have to come get you from the airport. Oh—unless you’d rather head straight to the hotel?”
You keep on asking me the same questions
And second guessing all my intentions
Should know by the way I use my compression
That you've got the answers to my confessions
“I’m happy to come to the interview. I can see you sooner that way.”
“Good. Ava, I’m so happy right now. I’ve been missing you. The band keeps teasing me. They say I’m all mopey and pouty.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
“Should I get anything ready for you?”
“Yes, please. I’ll need clothing.”
“Okay, I can go now. Anything in particular?”
“You know what I like.”
Beatrice shifts to a video call. It takes a few seconds for the image to fix itself. Beatrice is walking speedily, the city streetlight above her bright and casting shadows on the modern and classical buildings behind her. “Cam! Ava is coming!”
The camera captures the moment Beatrice catches up to Camila. “When!?” asks Camila, head bobbing from looking at the phone to Beatrice beside her, smiling widely.
“She’s leaving Madrid now.”
“Aww man!”
“We should take the tram to the shopping centre. Ava needs clothing.”
“What? She didn’t pack enough underwear?”
Ava listens along, amused by the lively conversation unfolding before her. Camila gesticulating wildly about how many shirts Ava will need, all while Beatrice vetoes a few of the more risque suggestions.
“I’ll hang up now. Alice is giving me the ‘I’m super yucked out’ facial expressions.”
“Call me before your flight leaves.”
“I will.”
It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender
An emotional, sexual bender
Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better
There's nothin' better
Levy slips into the town car beside her. The driver is off in record time, they’re running late, and The Cruciforms’ lecture has probably already begun. Ava is, to put it lightly, pooped. Having spent the entire 21 hour flight with impatient nerves. Barely able to focus on anything longer than a few minutes. Beatrice’s kindle opening and closing several times, rewatching old episodes of Bob’s Burgers, pestering the cabin crew for more snacks, anything to distract. She managed to at least sleep for five hours, something foreign for her because she usually knocks out within seconds.
“This is for you,” she says, shoving the gift bag into Levy’s chest. He pretends like he hasn’t been eyeing it the moment they came across each other at the gate.
“For moi?” He bats his eyelashes, hand coming to his chest.
Ava watches him pull out the tissue papers from the gift bag, all landing onto the car floor without a care.
A noise somewhere between a scream and a moan comes forth from his mouth. Nervous fingers tracing along the stitching of the large carry all bag. “It’s beautiful,” he says, reaching for the worn bag nestled between his legs. The contents empty out into the middle seat, the old bag getting thrown somewhere into the rear of the car behind them. Without missing a beat Levy begins to meticulously designate pockets for everything. “Look at the smooth calfskin. The amazingly woven handles with an included shoulder strap for those days when you’re feeling just a little more extra…” he waxes on about the bag, “the aged-silver hardware, the nappa lambskin bonded linin—wait a minute.” He stops. Horrified. “Are—are you trying to butter me up?!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I can’t accept this. This comes with conditions!”
“And where would you get that idea?” Ava giggles, shoving him affectionately. “It’s just a gift, Levy. A thank you for taking care of Beatrice when I’m not there.”
He’s quiet, thumb running along one of the handles. “This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me.”
“Given you a purse?”
“Well, no.” He bites his lip anxiously. “Recognise my efforts.”
The Chicago-Gothic style of the theatre is what greets Ava upon arrival at the venue in the Melbourne CBD. The university lecture is well on its way as she and Levy quietly walk through the aisle, being careful not to disrupt those in attendance. Her eyes follow the lights up to the extravagant decor and abstract motifs above.
She stares in wonder. Too caught up with the intricate geometric ceiling containing hundreds of lights. Almost as if it were a crystalline cave.
Levy taps her shoulder, ushering her in the direction of their waiting seats.
“What would you guys say was the biggest inspiration for the sophomore album? What led you to record such emotional and at times, devastating songs?” The host asks, and the girls all bob their heads.
Ava watches as she waits for space to be made for them to squeeze through. All the heads turn to Beatrice, who smiles before releasing a fond sigh.
“As many of you already know, a lot of it was written during our first tour. There were moments of pure bliss, but also a lot of uncertainty. Something occurred—something that I truly hadn’t dealt with and it brought all these feelings back. Feelings that I didn’t think were there anymore. Shame. Anger. Helplessness. And I needed to put that energy into something, anything that could help me channel all that…”
As they make their way to their seats, people shuffle to let them through.
“Hey!” A woman yelps as Levy catches the back of her head with his bag.
“It’s Loewe,” he retorts, unfazed.
That gets the attention of Camila on stage and she immediately smacks her arm into Beatrice’s side. At first Beatrice lifts her eyebrow in question, but then Camila hitches her head in the direction of her and Levy as they both take their seats.
Beatrice’s eyes track along the crowd, landing on Ava. A smile taking over her face instantaneously. All bright and dimply, the crescent eyes making an appearance. Yasmine watches on, bemused by the reaction, both her and Camila snickering as Beatrice turns a few shades redder under the lights.
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
So good, so good, so fuckin' real
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
—
As they walk through the immense set up, the bass of Missy Elliot’s ‘Get Your Freak On’ reverberates. Metal, lights, and walls alike rattle as Beatrice is led through the expanse that is Ava’s Calvin Klein’s ad photoshoot.
To her left, a massive white backdrop upwards of four metres high. To her right, a pitch dark void with an elevated stage of bright cubes, stairwells, and walls. All completely illuminated by light rigs and camera equipment. And spread across the expanse of the set are various ladders, tables full of gear and items, filming cameras, and busy staff members.
Beatrice can feel it, it’s going to be a long day.
Alice tugs at her elbow, pulling her in the direction where they expect Ava to be. Groggily she follows along, the lack of sleep and exhaustion is catching up faster than anticipated. She has managed to slip away for a few days and took several redeyes to be here in New York for Ava’s birthday.
To Beatrice’s knowledge, the plan for her surprise visit has not been spoiled. Alice and Levy, both making the impossible possible given both of their busy schedules.
(*)(*)
Get your freak on
Get your freak on
Get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on
The camera flashes and pulsates, the light clinging to her corneas as they near the group gathered in front and in an array of directions around the photographer. The people are utterly captivated by whatever is happening in front of them, yet she can’t see a thing. Many take notes on their tablets, check over the photos as they’re processed, or make sure that the clothing is being accurately modelled.
…Is that your chick?
Yes. Beatrice’s mind provides as a lighting assistant steps aside and her eyes land on Ava. Jeans barely hugging her hips, falling but not quite. Being held by what? She doesn’t know. A black underwear combination with the brand’s logo is the only other thing on her girlfriend as their eyes meet and Ava all but falls in trying to get to her. The jeans catching under her feet with the hasty steps Ava takes, the waistband threatening to fall down more than it already is.
“My love!” Ava yells into her ear upon collision. And Beatrice, she doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know where to place her hands because this is a public setting and Ava is well, not, dressed per se. So, Beatrice’s hands linger by her sides awkwardly. And Ava must notice the lack of physical contact because they begin a blundering mess of Ava tugging her stiff arms up and then Beatrice unskillfully patting the side of Ava’s butt where there’s the scantest scrap of underwear.
Alice cackles beside them.
Get your freak on
Get your freak on
Get your, get your, get your, get your, get your freak on
The day stretches, and Beatrice’s hands shake, one wrapped around her second cup of lukewarm and barely drinkable coffee. She’s sitting on one of the ladders, chin being held up by her other palm, waiting for Ava’s wardrobe change.
They’ve relocated to the black backdrop now where the filming camera has been rigged up to capture the moving elements of the ad. She hears the heels before she sees Ava, the strut discernible anywhere she goes, the confidence radiating off of it in waves.
Ava does a quick wave as she passes by, not paying her much mind and with several wardrobe assistants hot on her tail. The long black coat she’s wearing flowing with every step she takes.
Beatrice doesn’t get a glance at what Ava is wearing, too preoccupied with keeping her eyes open and her stomach from grumbling. But it’s when Ava turns in place to face the camera and the team that the cup she’s holding slips from her grip, and her libido shoots into the stratosphere.
The ladder shakes and makes a racket from the force upon which she has shot up from it. She scrambles to grab ahold of the cup as it rolls away from her. Eyes following along as she misses not once, but twice. It is all unbecoming and without grace.
“Are you experiencing symptoms of—”
“Alice,” Ava calls out, halting what would have been Alice’s snarky remark at her clumsiness and current state of being. Ava whispers into her assistant's ear and they both make eye contact with Beatrice. Ava smiles, blowing a quick kiss in her direction.
“Let’s go get lunch, Lovergirl,” Alice lazily mutters upon returning.
“No. I want to be with Ava. I can hold out—”
“Hey, the boss says you’re hungry and I am to take you to lunch,” Alice grabs her backpack from one of the tables aligned along the set. Not bothering to turn back around to address Beatrice further.
Beatrice is, admittedly, hungry. But she is also aware that Ava is granting her a reprieve. Ava knows she is ill prepared to be in such a setting. It’s already been a miracle that her face hasn’t permanently turned into an embarrassing shade of red. And so, Beatrice nods in defeat to no one in particular, sparing one last look at her girlfriend before following behind Alice.
When they return an hour later, the sight of a white-yellow boa draped along Ava’s body speeds up her pace. Alice keeps up with her and teases her relentlessly as they shuffle past staff members. “Ava Silva,” she finds herself saying as she beelines for her girlfriend, “你冇同我講有蛇!”(You didn’t tell me there was a snake!”)
“佢個名係香蕉，我要領養佢” (“His name is Banana, I want to adopt him.”)
(*)
—
Beatrice brings her champagne glass up to her lips, slowly drinking the bubbly golden liquid. She’s mindlessly caressing her thumb up and down Ava’s own, blissfully taking in their surroundings. For her birthday dinner, Beatrice had reserved a table for them at Maison Passerelle, a French-African fusion restaurant elegantly nestled in New York City’s financial district.
The restaurant screams intimate. From the striking tilework below, intricately patterned green-wood furniture, and the sweeping high ceilings. But it is nothing of the sort. New York’s elites are all here. From wall-street brokers, industry leads, to executives trying to impress their next client. There’s a bustle around them, everyone engaged in conversation and merriment.
Ava has caught the eyes of a few of them. Lingering upon her and Beatrice before turning to speak amongst each other. The scrutiny catches her offguard, nervousness initially encroaching into their happiness.
But sitting across from Beatrice, on her birthday, hands intertwined, Ava can’t find it in herself to care. Her persistent thoughts are of the hand in hers, and the desire to do this forever.
If Beatrice would like that as well, of course.
They continue to eat through their dinner of cane glazed duck and coffee rubbed steak frites. Sharing bites every so often, with Beatrice’s stretching her fork over for Ava to try the duck and the charred summer beans. The conversation is light. Prior to dinner Beatrice had surprised her with matinee tickets to Maybe Happy Ending, a musical that the both of them had been eager to catch while in the city.
It’s the best birthday she has had in a long time. Recent years having been spent aching to be with Beatrice, or on the verge of a mental breakdown. Ava sighs contently as dessert is brought to the table, and Beatrice grabs a spoon and digs in without hesitation. The chocolate crémeux turns her eyes into cute crescents the moment the flavour bursts in her mouth.
“Ava,” Beatrice mumbles later, mouth full from the coconut chiboust Ava had ordered.
“Hmm?”
Her girlfriend swallows, and does a happy little dance. “Do you want to walk around for a little bit afterwards?”
She nods.
“We can walk off dinner and take in the sights. I’ve always wanted to see the Fearless Girl in person. It’s only a few streets away. And there’s a church—what?” Beatrice goes quiet at her lack of response. “Is something wrong? Was dinner not good? I thought you’d enjoy the mix of—”
“Dinner was perfect,” Ava smiles, bringing their joined hands up to her lips and kissing the top of Beatrice’s hand. “I love you. So so much. I’m just happy, that’s all.”
“I love you,” Beatrice replies, “So so much.”
—
She’s abruptly jolted out of her dream, vaguely registering the movement of Beatrice wiggling out from underneath her outstretched left arm and clambering out of bed.
The warmth of their cocoon broken.
Ava blinks against her heavy eyelids, barely registering Beatrice’s movements in the complete darkness of their hotel room. She seems to be shuffling some things about. A zipper opening and closing briefly. A muffled yelp briefly escapes Beatrice’s mouth before she’s back. Lifting the covers and quickly shifting to get underneath Ava’s arm again, pulling it up to rest upon her abdomen.
Beatrice settles and Ava begins to fall back into her slumber.
Long moments pass and just as Ava’s on the cusp of falling into her dream state, cool fingers touch her wrist and trace along her hand and fingers, wiggling them about. Something brushes along her skin and tickles her briefly before there’s a flex of Beatrice’s stomach muscles against her forearm and she hears Beatrice mutter indiscernibly to herself.
After a few more seconds, Beatrice’s arms encircle her waist, pulling her half onto Beatrice’s chest. It doesn’t take long before Ava begins to fall back into a deep sleep, face buried into Beatrice’s neck, surrounded by the scent and warmth of her beloved girlfriend.
Chapter 22: The Origin is You, You're the Origin of Love
Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice
Ao3
There’s a playlist and a mood-board.
February
As the door to the room opens, the thunk of Emilia’s bag dropping to the floor reverberates throughout the small space, the glass around them rattling loosely for a few painful seconds. The worker’s scrutinising eyes follow the action as Emilia apologetically leans forward to haul her bag up from the floor, unusually flustered in the situation.
Ava fights back a giggle. “Excuse her, she hasn’t taken her multivitamins today. You know how women her age can be.”
Emilia bites back an angry retort as she shoots a sharp glare at Ava. But Ava's ploy has succeeded. Emilia is visibly less nervous as she leans back into her armchair, bag now slung on her crossed knee.
The worker laughs nervously but doesn’t otherwise respond as she glances at the man seated in front of Ava and Emilia. She proceeds to set the tray she’s carrying down on the table before them, backing up and stepping off to the side afterwards.
The man seated across from them reaches out with his gloved hands and adjusts the tray by a few millimetres, orientating it squarely in front of them. All very precise and following a set of ingrained protocols. Once the tray is perfectly positioned, he takes a satisfied breath and asks, “Ms. Silva, how can I help you today?”
“Mateo, I think today is the day,” Ava replies decisively, eyes trained on him and hands folded on her lap, feet perfectly still.
Ava is calm.
That nervousness already happened. It had dissipated somewhere between the numerous, vocally charged and emotionally extensive, Ava and Emilia talks. Where they spoke about it. Lengthy chats at first. Then, shorter ones just to ‘make sure’, Emilia had said after relentlessly needling her for months.
When they had arrived, the workers were already familiar with Ava. She has frequented often in the past months. Made it part of her routine. Sneakily at first. Wearing a bucket hat and sunglasses. She’s sure alarms were raised with her awkward illicit-esque posturing and indecisiveness. They had looked at her closely, tempted to refuse entry.
Though, the more she visited, the more she found herself discarding her disguise. Slowly becoming more assertive with what she wanted. More certain. An act mirroring the changes happening in her own life.
When presented with choices, Ava had scrutinised, planned and dreamed. The more she thought about her future, the more a recurring thought buried itself within and made a home. Keeping her warm and comforted.
(Y)(S)
All I wanna be
Is with you in your arms in our room
Living small in a big house
I've been having dreams, have you had them too?
I see me and you
By the door, rushing in from the rain
At the back of the garden
Do you see that too?
The air crackles with excitement once they’re left alone.
Emilia is sitting back against the armchair picking at the skin around her nails.
Again.
“Did it scare you when I brought Beatrice home?” Ava asks, studying her aunt. Curious about what Emilia must have thought at the time. In amongst their myriad of talks, she had never thought to ask the question before.
Emilia observes Ava closely before replying, “A little. It was strange. You had never done that before. Never even thought to do that before,” Emilia pauses, her eyes shifting towards the table. “Part of me could tell it was serious then, but I don’t think you knew or were aware of it yet.”
Ava’s eyes follow the motion. “I knew. ” She almost squeals again when her eyes land on it. Heart threatening to hammer out of her chest the longer she stares and thinks of the possibilities it holds.
They're well acquainted by now.
Both eager.
Both waiting.
Both hopeful.
Sometimes I get sad
At the front, at the back
In the middle of the happiest moments
'Cause good things can go bad easily
So I don't wanna slow down
Wanna jump, wanna fly, wanna fall
I wanna hit the ground running
Do you wanna marry me?
Ava and Emilia both behold the silver band nestled in its walnut brown box, the accompanying intricately cut diamond glistening underneath the incandescence of the overhead lights.
Ava is careful as she pulls the ring out to hold it. The physical embodiment of a future she may or may not have with Beatrice. No scratches or blemishes. Yet.
“She would probably turn up her nose in that cute posh way of hers if I got her something too flashy, right?” Ava says, a shaky laugh escaping her. “I think she would. I think she’ll love this one.”
Emilia shifts in her chair giving her a look. “If the time comes, of course,” Ava corrects herself.
Her aunt smiles softly, pinching at Ava's cheek. Her face is a mixture of emotions. Ava can’t discern them all. She wouldn’t know where to begin. “Ava, it’s just for strength. A totem, like you promised me. I’m already grappling with letting you do this. You both have to be ready. You can’t overwhelm her. You’re not going to give it to her—”
“I know.”
The ring is returned to its box.
The potential future is too boundless to not think about.
Their fingers entwined together again. Beatrice’s left hand bearing it.
Forever ain't forever if we're not together
I don't wanna put a load of pressure on you
I just wanna tell you, I just wanna tell you
Without you, I don't know what I'd do
They’ve stopped just outside of the departure drop off for the terminal. The idle engine hum from the town car is the only sound apart from the clear signs of breathy noises coming from her aunt’s turned figure, actively avoiding Ava’s gaze. Emilia has been relatively quiet since they left the boutique. Like Ava, Emilia is worried. Trepidation is burying itself within.
Emilia runs her hand under her nose, disguising a sniffle. She’s being sneaky. Ever the stoic, strong exterior. But when Ava catches her eye, she inhales sharply and says, “This is a lot, you can’t expect me not to…you know…”
“Cry?”
A nod and then, “I keep thinking about Pilar. These last few years—with everything— if things would have been different if she had been around for you—to listen to you, to help you. If she’d know the right things to say,” her voice cracks under the sincerity. “And then I think about how she would have been so happy for you, to see you grow into this amazing adult who makes mistakes and gets back up every time. And I just feel guilty about being the one to experience it all, instead of her.”
Emilia’s words land heavy. They tug somewhere deep inside the crevices of Ava’s heart, where she has hidden these feelings about her mother too. Incapable of uttering them. Scared to, at times. Ava feels her throat tighten.
“I don’t want you to think this way. Would things have been different? Probably.” She reaches out, holding Emilia’s hand, “But I wouldn’t have been the same person. I am all you’ve instilled in me.”
A wet sob makes its way out of Emilia’s nose. “Watching you today has been one of the happiest moments of my life. I—I just want you to be happy, Ava.”
“I want you to be happy too, Tití.”
With one tug, Emilia pulls Ava in for a final rib crushing hug and squish. “Good luck, cariño.”
—
The hinges of the garden gate screech as Ava presses against it. Water droplets from the afternoon rain trickle off the steel of the gate and run down her arm as she pushes it back into one of the shrubs. The familiar off red and beige of the brick path to Beatrice’s maisonette sets off every synapse in Ava’s brain. Every nerve-ending sending signals throughout her entire body. Her fingers shake, her legs wobble and her heart races.
Ava focuses her eyes on the muted green of the flat’s front door. Thumb and pointer finger running along the smooth curvature of the ring nestled in her jean’s front pocket.
For strength. Only for strength.
Almost there. Just a little more.
She raises her chin up and takes a deep breath.
The knock echoes down the street and courses through her.
Nothing worth having has ever come easily to Ava. She has always been a hard worker. She knows what it is to fight for her place in the world, in the industry. This won’t be any different.
Drawn out moments pass by. Long enough for Ava to think there’s no one home. But that can’t be right. Camila had arrived yesterday from Los Angeles which meant the rest of the band had as well. Then, she hears it, footsteps coming down the stairs. They’re messy, as if in a rush or preoccupied with something else. Not Beatrice’s usual, steady cadence. The one Ava is familiar with. The one that is assured and surefooted.
The door swings open and her stomach drops.
“Sorry I took so long I wasn’t expec—oh. Ava? I didn’t—Beatrice didn’t say—hello,” Sarah stammers a bit in her confusion.
Seeing Sarah on the other side of this door makes her throat ache. A dull pain coming through right away, a familiar feeling now. One that Ava has learned to cohabitate with. To live with ever since she saw Beatrice follow after Sarah through the garden gate last July.
Ava’s hand goes to her pocket again, tracing the smooth surface. “Hi,” she hopes it comes out neutral. That Sarah cannot discern that there’s a lump in her throat and that her heart is racing wildly. Her mind vividly flashes with memories of this very spot. Right at the threshold where she and Sarah are standing.
Keys dropping onto the floor.
Beatrice, waiting just below the lantern for her.
Rushing in after dinner dates with bellies full and the comfort of home waiting.
Sarah follows the motion of Ava’s eyes as they land on the packed boxes in the entryway. “Sorry for the mess,” she says kicking at one of the boxes sheepishly, “we’re a bit disorganised today.”
Ava swallows. The significance of the boxes picking at the wound that just won’t seem to heal. “It’s okay. Is—uh—Beatrice home? I was hoping to—there’s this thing with the album I wanted to discuss with her.”
“You just missed her. She’s with Levy. I think they said they were getting crates? I’m not sure.” Sarah shrugs, pulling her phone out and peering at it briefly. “It shouldn’t be long if you want to come in and wait.”
Absolutely not.
“Oh…no that’s—I wouldn’t want to intrude. I can just come back—”
“Nonsense.” Sarah is shaking her head and beckoning her in with a free hand, “I’ll put on the kettle and make us some tea.”
Ava nods, and at that Sarah pulls the door open enough for Ava to squeeze in between the boxes and the frame before closing it behind them.
Sarah heads up the stairs first, allowing Ava the ability to follow and look around, unobserved.
Beatrice has painted the stairwell a dramatic burgundy, a distinct change from the ochre yellow when Ava had last been at the maisonette. The framed art and pictures that used to hang on the stairwell wall have all changed as well. The sight of these changes unseats something in Ava. She had chosen some of those pieces with Beatrice at the start of their relationship. Her first true inclusion to the flat.
Mercifully, Sarah does not turn around to look at her and she is able to school her features into something other than dismay.
Ava casts the thought out as she follows Sarah up the stairs, mindful of the steps that creak too much when you step on them at the wrong angle. It catches Ava’s attention that Sarah sets most of them off on the way up. Beatrice had taught Ava where to stand one jet lagged night. Both treating it as a game. Every time she successfully avoided a squeaky step, she had been rewarded with a kiss. Mundane and silly, but it had brought them so much joy then. That had been one thing that had truly caught her off guard in her relationship with Beatrice, the simple enjoyment of each other’s company. The quiet, happy peace of just being around the other, doing anything and everything together, or separately but beside one another.
The state of chaos in the living room is what greets Ava upon entering the flat. The parquet floor littered in bubble wrap and scrunched up butcher’s paper. Half full and completely empty boxes lying open throughout the living room.
There’s a vinyl spinning on Beatrice’s record player, filling the space with the sound of Nina Simone’s soulful voice.
(Y)(S)
There’s a light
A certain kind of light
It’s never shown on me
I want my whole life to be lived with you
Lived with you
The red, modern abstract photo next to the window is gone and replaced by a sketch. The wall behind the couch, once covered in dozens upon dozens of paintings and framed photographs of Beatrice’s life, all removed and packed up. The holes left behind the only indication of them being there in the first place.
A startled laugh bursts out of Ava’s throat. “You’ve been busy.”
It’s not funny. Not in the slightest.
Sarah’s surveying the fruits of her labour in response, spinning about on her heel. “Yes, we woke up this morning and decided to get started. Still lots to do though.”
Ava gestures casually towards the record player. “Nina Simone. Do you like jazz?”
At that, Sarah’s face noticeably brightens. “Yes! I’ve grown up listening to it, my parents were always listening to one artist or another. But I never knew much about the music making side of it all so it’s been fascinating to learn about that aspect of it from Beatrice and the rest of the band. Did you know that Beatrice went to school for it? Do you enjoy jazz as well?”
Ava sighs internally. Of course Sarah would enjoy jazz. Another mark in her mental list of all the ways that Sarah is amazing.
“I appreciate aspects of jazz and do listen to it but it’s not one of my preferred genres.”
At that, Ava bends down to unlace one shoe and then the other, careful to avoid eye contact as she looks downwards, taking the moment to compose herself yet again. She picks the shoes up, only to turn around and be greeted by Beatrice’s old wooden shoe shelf, full of shoes—both Beatrice’s and a few pairs that clearly belong to Sarah. The green stool she had purchased for the home is nowhere in sight.
“Where can I—” she turns and accidentally runs into a bag that is almost her size, which tumbles to the floor with a loud clang. “Crap. I’m so sorry.”
Sarah doesn’t seem at all bothered with the sudden destruction. “It’s alright, we’ve both run into it so many times now.” She hauls the bag upwards by its handles, there’s a heft to it as she does it, and leans it back against the wall. “Just Beatrice’s fencing gear. We can’t really store it anywhere so it’s been living by the shoes. Not seeing it from the corner of my eye soon will be a relief.”
It feels like she’s been punched in the stomach at yet another reminder of what Beatrice is about to embark upon. With Sarah.
Can’t you see what I am
I live and breathe for you
What good does it do If I ain’t got you If I ain’t got you
If I ain’t got you If I ain’t got you
Sarah indicates to the corner where several sets of shoes have been discarded and Ava sets her Vans next to Beatrice’s Chucks. The sight of them together brings her comfort in a way she hadn’t expected.
Ava subtly reaches her hand down again and pats at her front pocket, drawing strength from the indent of its shape. Reminds herself of what she’s here to do. To say.
Curiosity bites at her. Hungry for any tidbit of Beatrice’s life and to hear of anything that brings her joy. “Is she good?”
“She’s amazing. Annoyingly good, I would say.” A fond smile comes easily to Ava. Of course. “She properly swept the floor with me within the first few months of lessons.”
That catches Ava by surprise. “You fence as well?” The conversation as she and Beatrice walked around in Milan cycles through Ava’s mind. Beatrice had known Sarah then.
“No. I tried. The keyword is tried. I didn’t have the patience or the endurance for it. The lessons were fun though. Getting to know others was probably my favourite aspect of it.” Sarah doesn’t say it, but it sits there between them. She clears her throat, “I’ll get started on the tea.”
Baby you don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
Ava takes a chance to look around some more as Sarah disappears into the kitchen.
The vinyl shelf is still perfectly intact. Not a stray record out from its proper spot.
The baby grand piano that used to sit by the window is now in the farthest corner of the room, making space for a desk that wasn’t there before.
The more Ava looks the more she finds things out of place. Things have shifted. Things have changed. Things are gone.
Each change compounds within her. It unsettles her. It makes her scratch at the back of her neck.
“How do you take your tea?” Sarah asks once the high-pitched whistle of the kettle subsides.
Ava walks along the mess, carefully stepping with her socks along the wooden floor in the direction of the kitchen.
The kitchen remains unchanged. Exactly how Ava left it. Well, apart from a few dishes she isn’t familiar with and the dining table orientated in a different direction. Sarah opens cupboards, familiar with its organisation, and pulls out the sugar and teabags from them. Seeing someone else, other than Vivian, so comfortable in Beatrice’s kitchen pulls at the scab. The first signs of blood freeing itself, ready to coagulate and seal the wound again.
“Green. Usually,” Ava replies.
“Oh—umm. Give me a second then. I’ll have to look for the…the…” Sarah stops, taken aback by Ava’s sudden autonomy as Ava reaches past her and pulls open a drawer, “...infuser.” The drawer rattles closed as Ava wiggles the infuser in her hand. “Thank you.”
Sarah takes the infuser, collects the green tea leaves from the cupboard, and swivels back around to prepare their teas. Ava takes that as her opportunity to make her way back to the living room. It’s some sort of safety at least. Away from Sarah.
They’re both sitting on the couch drinking their tea now. Ava notes that her green tea is bitter and incorrectly brewed, the temperature must have been too high for the leaves to properly release their flavour notes. She makes an effort to drink from it in intervals, careful to school her features after each sip.
The conversation had naturally progressed to Sarah’s current book and the intricacies of capturing the moment in childhood when you become hyperaware of the world around you. Sarah had adjusted herself then and Ava spotted it. Sarah is wearing it. Bea’s white shirt with the matcha stain on the collar. The stain Ava herself created, then tried to remove several times and failed. She has to look away. Can’t bring herself to linger on it. On the connotation. How it unsettles her.
She had involuntarily sucked in a breath when they first laid eyes on it.
Beatrice to her right, hands folded behind her back, had stood with impeccable posture, quiet and equally as riveted as Ava was by the unassuming art piece on display in front of them.
Goya’s red chalk drawing of ‘Tristes presentimientos de lo que ha de acontecer’ (Sad Forebodings of What is to Happen) hung in front of them. Exceedingly simplistic in its depiction—that of a man kneeling with outstretched arms and looking upwards—the sentiment of hopelessness; stark and undeniable.
The drawing, part of Goya’s ‘Los desastres de la guerra’ (The Disasters of War), the entirety of the series a commentary on the violence of war, with this artwork posing a question as to the meaning of life, suffering, and death. Matters that Goya himself had been struggling with, by then almost deaf, in poor health, and widowed.
Ava and Beatrice had been unable to tear their eyes from it. Eyes flickering back and forth across the small piece, fixated by every minute detail and chalk stroke. Both had stood stock still in front of it as the minutes ticked by, ignoring the trickle of the crowds as they had filed into that exhibition hall at Museo del Prado, gawked at the artwork and then moved on with their lives. In her stupor Ava had neglected to dip her head to hide her side profile but luckily, no one had recognised her or had mercifully chosen not to create a scene and approach.
Ava is reminded of that memory now. Reminded of the echo of that moment, of fundamentally recognising that slither of hopelessness, so apparent on the man’s upturned face, imploring the heavens, asking why and having it resonate within her, that malignant black mass within her recognising a friend.
She is also reminded of Beatrice having turned to her with a smile and a knowing glint in her eyes, laying a firm hand on Ava’s forearm and gently pulling her away, out of that dark space, together.
Maybe Goya, in all his wisdom, should have depicted the scene before her. Ava assigned the role of interloper, observing the nightmarish scene of Beatrice and Sarah co-existing in this flat, in her safe space, together.
No place for Ava now.
There is no Beatrice beside her now, to offer a sure hand, to pull her out of this monster.
Ava can hear the thud of her racing heart ringing in her ears. That galloping, pulsating beat.
Every muscle feels strained and locked into place. Forced to reckon with what’s before her, the danger, a threat to her survival.
Humans have an innate compulsion to survive. Over time, we have evolved to have an immediate physiological and psychological response to a perceived harm or a threat to our survival. When dealt a hand that is too dangerous to confront, Ava’s instinct is to turn tail and run.
Everything screams at her to run. To flee.
The ring burns in her pocket. The metal and its accompanying stone, a threadbare whisper of material away from the naked skin of her thigh, a solid reminder pressed against her.
Almost as if she had willed it into being, more memories float through her mind. Beatrice’s tone, increasingly hopeless, as the memories spring forth.
“Regardless, I would fight a war for you Beatrice Young.”
Beatrice chortles in response. “I don’t doubt it.”
“You want everything but you’re not prepared to give up anything—to lose anything.”
“Why don’t you fight for me? You’re willing to risk us, for a career you may or may not have?”
“I’m done trying to piece us back together. If you won’t fight for me, then I’m better off without you.”
She hadn’t fought. She had promised she would fight and then let go with a whimper.
Ava blinks tightly for a few seconds and reminds herself of her purpose. She is here now to make good on her words. To fight.
Ava breathes in a calming breath, silencing the voice telling her to run and making herself big in her mind. Beatrice is worth it, is worth overcoming her fears for.
However, the art of war is recognising when circumstances are stacked against you and that it is favourable to strategically retreat to prepare for another day. As time drags on and Beatrice does not return, Ava recognises that she will not be able to say all that she needs to say to Beatrice. Not here, not today.
Moreover, she cannot ignore the thorny reminder of guilt in her side and before her eyes. Sarah, who has been nothing but kind and hospitable to her throughout all of their interactions, does not deserve this. Does not deserve what Ava has resolved to do.
There must be another way.
With an obvious movement Ava looks down at her phone screen and exaggeratedly widens her eyes, feigning surprise at the time. She emits a shriek of what she hopes is a convincing chortle, “Oops, I didn’t realise the time. I’ve already interrupted your packing for long enough. I’m supposed to go meet Randall to buy a—a couch. Yes, that’s right. For him and Nico.” Internally, she winces. Yeah, that wasn’t going to fool Sarah. She dips her head and taps at her phone methodically, mimicking the movement of someone ordering an Uber. Pretends that her phone isn’t shaking in her grasp. The tremble of her hand, obvious to Sarah. “Sarah, it was nice to see you again. My Uber will be here any moment. I’ll go and wait outside for it.”
Ava doesn’t know how she does it—how her body makes it down the stairs, through the garden gate and onto the footpath. But it does. Her wide steps taking her farther and farther from Beatrice’s flat. Past the stoops and gardens bursting with Spring flowers and overgrown weeds.
There’s a struggle as her lungs keep up with the frantic walking and the self-flagellation that just occurred. She must look a sight with her head bowed, tears pooling and on the verge of breaking free. It surprises Ava how much she can’t bring herself to care. Not even when an older man turns his head with worry when she passes him.
The uneven pavement below is difficult to manoeuvre with it being slightly raised at odd angles by the intricate root systems of nearby trees. If she focuses hard enough on the cobblestone then the tears won’t fall. If she concentrates really hard on not crying then maybe she can make it far enough away that the tears won’t matter anymore.
Being a few houses away from Beatrice’s flat allows Ava the space to finally take in air.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
The nerves will need longer to recoup. They always do now.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
Ava repeats in her head, running through the motions of calming herself. Air comes in through her nose and her chest puffs up, she closes her eyes, centers herself, holds the breath in for ten seconds, then releases it through her mouth slowly. She does this several times and it allows her thoughts free access to roam through her mind again. Thoughts she had selfishly pushed back hours before.
What had she been thinking? That Sarah wouldn’t be there? That she had the right to say anything to Beatrice? That she could come between them?
“Ava?”
Ava’s head jerks up at the sound of her name. The voice is immediately warm and comforting. It always is. There’s a hint of surprise as well, as if Beatrice, just like Ava, doesn’t quite believe she’s here either. Ava’s eyes don’t take long to trail up Beatrice’s approaching figure, first landing on a set of sneakers, beige pants and making their way up to a wooly blue sweater.
Beatrice is mere metres away, awkwardly carrying a few collapsed wooden crates under her arm. The short distance between them closes fast as Beatrice’s easy steps bring them together sooner than Ava has the time to wipe at the side of her face with a trembling hand. The side of her palms coming away moist.
Beatrice looks past Ava in the direction she has just come from and then back to her. “Did you just—are you okay? You’re crying—”
“I’m fine.” Ava smiles weakly, wiping at her eyes again.
Beatrice’s eyebrows pull down, concern taking over. “You’re clearly not fine. Is everything okay? Why are you here?”
Standing in front of Beatrice is equal parts calming and suffocating. The need to reach out to hold, to find comfort, to be told everything will be okay is overwhelming as much as it is treacherous.
But Beatrice is not Ava’s to find comfort in.
Not anymore.
“I thought—I thought that I could do this. That I could come here and tell you. But I can’t. It isn’t right.”
“Tell me what?” Beatrice asks softly. Too softly. Like she knows exactly what has led Ava to tears. When no reply is forthcoming Beatrice comes closer, her free hand reaching out to touch but not close enough to actually do it. Then it falls back down to her side. The lack of followthrough sends fresh tears to the corner of Ava’s eyes.
Ava’s eyes trail from Beatrice’s worried face to the crates folded under her arm. Beatrice follows the path as well, her shoulders rising with a sharp inhale. “Don’t do this. Please. Don’t do this.”
They regard one another for some time, both refusing to break eye contact, both intimately aware of the implication behind Ava’s words. Almost like a challenge. Whoever breaks it first needs to speak first.
To hell with it.
Ava blinks, cutting the tension. Tightens her jaw, squares her chest and prepares to open that gash one once more. “I can no longer accept,” she pushes her legs forward to stand before Beatrice, “being a stranger to you.” Beatrice watches on silently. “I failed to measure up to what you wanted, no, what you needed. I lost you. I know I lost you.”
The crates are deposited on the ground and Beatrice crosses her arms instinctively, like she already knows where their conversation is headed. Preparing herself for the hurt. Trying to mitigate it. And Ava hates it. Hates that she makes Beatrice feel like she needs to close herself off. “You didn’t lose me, you let me go. There’s a big difference.”
Ava nods because Beatrice is right. She’s not going to stand here and make excuses for herself. She has done that enough. “I wasn’t ready then, but I am ready now.”
The silence drags as Beatrice considers her next words. “You weren’t ready for someone who knew what they wanted, you mean? But how could you have known what I wanted when you didn’t know what you wanted.” Beatrice purses her lips and goes in for the kill without hesitation. “Ava, why didn’t you love me enough to fight for me?”
Ava places her hand on the nearby fence for support. The paint flakes come loose under her thumb, the feeling of the small shards digging into her skin, a welcomed sensation. One that is keeping her from reverting to those months ago. To where looking at a mirror had been deadly and on the verge of self-annihilation.
The insecurities cutting through her like a knife. Paranoia. Volatile dialogues. Feelings she couldn’t control.
Push.
“I saw you, Beatrice. I saw the way I was hurting you. And I wish I could take everything back—all the pain I caused you. That I had better judgement to just say fuck it and be with you. To get out of both of our ways. Because the truth is, that’s what I wanted. I wanted you. But I was so so afraid.” Ava swallows to correct the dull pain in her throat. “I just didn’t want to keep hurting you.”
Beatrice’s face contorts into something painful as she looks on, her breath becoming ragged. “You know, loving you came easy. Like an instinct, a response.” There’s a far away look on her face, as if reminiscing, “It was a complete inconvenience to everything happening in my life at the time.” Beatrice stops, eyes meeting Ava’s. Truly meeting them. “And yet, I couldn’t help myself. The only thought other than my love for you was a question I didn’t want answered.”
Beatrice is quiet, scared to go on, but Ava needs to know. “What question?” She asks, both afraid and hopeful for what it might be.
“What if one day I don’t know you?” Beatrice answers simply, “What if one day I don’t know you at all?”
They both stand on the footpath, rendered speechless.
“Don’t do this,” Ava says again, this time pointing at the crates against Beatrice’s legs. “I can’t continue to live my life knowing that you are out there, living a life I do not know of, with someone else—a life that was meant for me, for us.”
Beatrice brings her hand to the bridge of her nose, pinching it. “So what do you want, Ava? Do you want to be friends? Is that it? Because I can’t do that.”
“I want you to love me—to love me and only me,” Ava stumbles out like she’s running out of time. As if not getting the words out means certain doom. “No one has ever loved me the way you do. So simply and without restraint. They loved versions of me, versions I diluted specifically for them. What I believed were easy parts of me to love. I never found myself crafting an idea of me for you. You had all of me from the very beginning. I’ve held nothing back.”
“I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. Even when I knew I shouldn’t. If anything, I wish I could have loved you less. It would have made things a lot simpler for me.” Beatrice goes silent, her eyes jumping to the small group of people heading in their direction, catching herself. She goes completely still, eyes seeking Ava’s. Waiting for her approval to speak in a public setting.
“Please. Go on.”
Beatrice’s eyebrows draw upward incredulously for a brief second before she continues, “Back then I couldn’t figure out what you wanted and you wouldn’t tell me. And when you finally did, it was too late. The damage was already done. You broke my trust. You broke my heart. How can you ask this of me now? When there’s a person that loves me and isn’t ashamed to be seen with me—to love me openly.”
“Do you love Sarah? Are you in love with—” Ava asks, small and on the brink of not being heard at all. Then, clears her throat, thinking better of it. Hearing it would kill her. It’s not an exaggeration. She cannot bear to hear those words coming out of Beatrice’s mouth. “Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”
Beatrice’s voice is steady and her eyes unblinking when she says, “There are things I love about her.”
Ava’s hand finds its way into the front pocket of her jeans. Beatrice’s need for honesty cutting deep. “I asked you not to—” she swallows the protest down. Thumb gently caressing the smooth band. Anything to bring her comfort. She can’t hear that again. She won’t. She would much sooner run from the very spot than stand here and hear Beatrice say any combination of that again. “I’ve been—I’ve been fighting for you, Beatrice. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I have done to be here right now—to stand in front of you and ask you not to do this. To reconsider. You said there are things you love about Sarah, is that enough? Is that enough for you?”
Beatrice’s gaze falls to where Ava’s hand is. She’s watching carefully, then, there’s a minute shake of her head and Beatrice breathes in roughly. “You’re going to have to learn to live with this, to make peace with it.” Ava feels something unstitch in herself. “I don’t think you should come back here—”
“No.”
“Ava, that's not how this works. I can’t just—”
“You’re not listening to me. You’re not understanding.” Ava says firmly. She needs to be clear. She needs Beatrice to know she’s here as an option. “You told me I wasn’t fighting for you and that—that destroyed me. Because I had been. I have been fighting all along. Through my own self-doubts, my tendencies, and my worst fears. I have been fighting. I’m fighting right now. I’m here to fight for you—to have a future with you. Together.”
Beatrice shakes her head. “And what? After all these years? All the hurt? You want me to just forget about it? There’s too much water under the bridge, Ava. Why do you think you’re ready now? You weren’t ready before, so why now? Because I’m happy with someone else?”
“Beatrice.” Ava enunciates, unable to temper the impatience in her tone. “I didn't come here out of jealousy. I'm here because what I want more than anything is to fall asleep with you beside me, and to wake up every morning knowing you're still there. That's it. That's all I want. For the rest of my life.”
Beatrice kicks the toe of her sneaker against the ground, the crates collapse on top of each other as she steps away from them. She nods as she paces by Ava before unceremoniously lowering herself onto the raised edge of the pavement. Ava can scarcely believe her eyes, needs to blink away the unfathomable nature of the move because Beatrice has never done this. Beatrice would never do this. Her upbringing doesn’t allow for this.
The action causes Ava to push off the fence to come sit on the curb next to Beatrice. Neither speaking for some time. Both deep in their own thoughts. Ava watches Beatrice’s side profile, long hair neatly braided to keep it away from her face, the freckles she loves sprinkled perfectly across Beatrice’s cheekbones, and pinched eyebrows that Ava can’t soothe away like she usually does.
“I came here last year in July,” Ava finally says when it seems Beatrice has no inclination to talk. From the corner of her eye she can see that Beatrice has turned to look at her, regarding her quietly. “I didn’t have anything planned at the time, but I was desperate to see you. I came to tell you that I was ready. I wanted you by my side while I started the process. But I—I saw that you were happy and I didn’t want to keep you from that.”
“You saw Sarah?”
“I did.” Ava releases a long held breath, picking at the fuzz on her jeans. “I have a plan now. I’ve had a plan for months. It’s taken a lot of work, especially from Emilia, who has been a huge driving force and indispensable support system. I’m ready now to do whatever I want.” Beatrice is quiet next to her. And it would concern Ava if it were any other person, but this is Beatrice. Beatrice, who listens without judgement. Beatrice, who is always patient. “I didn’t come here to tell you that though. I don’t want you to think I’m doing this to win you over or to—nevermind. I’m doing this for me. I just want to be happy.”
Beatrice turns away to look at something far off in the distance. She’s biting at her lip and her fingers don’t seem to settle, even though Ava can tell that Beatrice is trying hard not to fidget. “Ava, you know I can’t—I’m seeing Sarah. This isn’t fair to her. Even speaking to you now crosses the line. I can’t just—”
“You think I’m proud of this? I’m not. But I can’t watch you pack up your flat. I can’t watch you leave it behind. Because if you leave it behind, then you leave me behind with it.” Beatrice wrings her hands together until they almost turn white. “It’s unbearable, seeing you move on. I have been telling myself for months that I should wait until all the pieces are ready. But the longer I waited, the more I lost you. And I can’t wait anymore. I can’t lose any more of you.”
Beatrice lowers her head and rubs at her eyes.
“I’m an option, Beatrice. That’s why I’m here.”
Beatrice doesn’t lift her head as she speaks, “Our careers would never allow it. You and I both know that a relationship for us is an impossibility.” It comes out guarded. “We won’t have time for each other. Our lives are frantic. Exhausting. The same problems will arise again. You want us to go back to that? There’s no certainty that we will come out of it together. We’ll resent each other—”
“I want us to break free from the cycle. We can have our careers, and we can have each other. If you're willing, I'll give everything I have for us. Nothing will hold me back this time. And…and ––”, Ava needs to pause to swallow against the lump in her throat and the hopeless dread that coats her innards before continuing, “—I know that it may never match up to what Sarah can offer you, the ability to travel with you or to have a home to go to where she can be…present but I swear I will try. And I know, I know that you don’t have to share Sarah, that her career isn’t like ours, but please, Bea...”, Ava has to screw her eyes up against the plaintive plea in her voice, her voice wavering again before she screws up the nerve to say it, “Please Beatrice. I’m all in. Whatever you want, that’s what I want too.”
They watch each other. Both of their eyes bloodshot and on the verge of tears. Beatrice is doing a better job at hiding it than Ava. And Ava isn’t sure how she has managed to be beside Beatrice for this long, in this state, without at least leaning over to offer some kind of physical reassurance or comfort.
Beatrice is thinking. Her eyebrows furrowing just so. If it were anyone else, Ava would push for an answer, a retort, anything. But it’s Beatrice. There isn’t an answer to expect either. Not really. That’s not why Ava’s here. Beatrice nods once, “I understand.”
Ava nods too.
“You should go.”
It hurts to hear it, but she has said what she needed to say. “If that’s what you want, then I’ll go.”
Beatrice stands and holds out a hand for Ava to take. The touch is fleeting and only long enough to help Ava to her feet. Once they're up, and both patting at their butts to knock off dirt, Beatrice releases a small chuckle. “My mother will never forgive me for what I just did,” Beatrice says, and Ava knows exactly what she means as they both stare at the footpath.
“I think Vivian will overlook it just this once.”
Beatrice gathers the crates from where they collapsed, placing them under her arm again. “I’ll help you get a taxi.”
“Okay.”
They walk in silence for several blocks, heading in the direction of the main road. Both are too afraid to say anything else in case the peaceful moment shifts into something less amicable. Near the shops, the crossing light for the intersection goes off and Ava steps aside to make way for several people to get through. Beatrice does the same, all while shooting her a look of concern which Ava shrugs off. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only they matter. What should have been the reality from the outset.
Beatrice steps up onto the curb of the street, arm outstretched to flag a taxi. It doesn’t take long for one to pull up in front of them, Beatrice tugging at the backseat door with her free hand and swinging it open. “Careful,” she says, the same hand hovering over Ava’s head while she’s mid duck. The action halts both their movements briefly, eyes meeting. Both acutely aware of what the other is thinking.
“Don’t hurt your hand again,” Ava says.
“It’s a good thing Camila isn’t here to bonk your head into the car's frame.”
They both chuckle.
It’s once Ava’s sitting inside the taxi, hand resting on the interior door handle, and carefully watching Beatrice that she’s awarded with a sheepish smile right at the corner of Beatrice’s lips.
“I love you.” It slips out and Ava wants to bring up a hand to clap over her mouth, as if that will bring the words back to her. As if she could take it back. But it’s too late. It’s done. Did she mean to? Maybe. A part of her is of the belief that this may be the last time she can voice those three words to the person in front of her. This may be the last time Beatrice ever gets to hear it.
Beatrice softens.
The door shuts.
—
“I love you,” Beatrice stammers out as the door to the car shuts between them.
Ava’s attention jerks upwards from the door handle to Beatrice and everything stills around them. A quizzical look is on Ava’s face, as if she’s not quite sure if she heard correctly. The driver must be asking Ava for a destination because she’s restless as she answers, her gaze flitting back several times to look at Beatrice, Ava’s face a riot of emotions.
The car door cracks open abruptly and Ava’s eyes search hers. Questioning. Beatrice needs to stop whatever is about to happen, the situation has the potential to get out of hand if she doesn’t get both of their emotions in check. With a small shake of her head, Ava halts her movements and nods in understanding, closing the door again.
Ava turns to speak to the driver again and Beatrice steps back onto the footpath from the curb. The small distance creates a semblance of space that she is desperate for. It scares her how easily the words sprung out of her. The feelings she has been suppressing for almost a year now out in the open again, like they were never really put away properly to begin with.
The taxi pulls away without warning.
Taking Ava.
Taking their words.
Beatrice’s eyes follow the car as it heads down the road.
A state of complete helplessness washes over her. She mounts an internal debate with herself on the footpath, whether walking back home is the right thing to do, and whether going back to face Sarah immediately after what has just transpired is the wisest action. Agitation is quickly building inside her at what she has just done. And then irrational anger. At Ava. At herself. At Sarah.
Beatrice begins to walk. Her legs taking her down familiar streets. Her mind is consumed with replaying the conversation she just had with Ava. Over and over again. Until their words intermingle and she no longer knows who said what or who hurt who. And when that’s exhausted and it’s her fourth time passing the same garden with the daffodils, her mind decides to replay everything that has occurred between them for the last three years.
The crates under her arm begin to feel a lot heavier than they did a few minutes ago. Beatrice isn’t sure if it’s being caused by the impromptu brisk walk, the strain—both physical and mental —that she has found herself under or because they’re a lot heavier than they originally appeared.
Her brain aches to attach itself to a loose thought. Any thought will do at this point. Anything to keep her mind away from Ava.
She needs to pack. That’s what the crates are for. For the vinyls, so they don’t get damaged during the move. She promised Sarah she would have it done before the tour starts. Crap. Levy will be by later with the rest of them. It pushes her towards the flat.
Just keep busy, she tells herself.
The choice has been made, she reminds herself.
Sarah’s waiting on the footpath outside the garden when Beatrice turns into the street. Her phone’s by her ear and she appears anxious, biting into the side of her cheek. The unease is evident as Sarah hangs up the phone and taps on her screen, thumb coming up to her mouth.
“There you are,” Sarah almost shouts, walking to meet Beatrice halfway. “I thought something had happened. I just spoke to Levy and he said you guys finished a while ago—that you should have been home already.”
Just how long has she been walking?
“I’m okay. I’m sorry for worrying you.”
“Is everything okay?” Sarah loops an arm around Beatrice’s free arm, reaching over to grab at the crates. Beatrice waves her off and they squabble for a few seconds with Sarah eventually grabbing a couple off of her before she can protest further.
“I’m—I don’t know how I feel.”
They’ve always been honest with one another. Ava’s unexpected visit today will not change that.
“What do you mean? Were you not able to get enough crates?”
Beatrice takes a deep breath. “Was Ava at the flat?”
Sarah opens the garden gate, and they both squeeze through. “She was. She said she wanted to speak to you. I made her tea. We chatted for a bit before she had to go. I was waiting for you to come home to tell you.” As they silently climb the steps up to the flat Sarah asks, “Should I not have invited her up?”
Beatrice offers a small smile. “No, that was fine, thank you for doing that.”
“Then, what’s up? What’s wrong?”
She grabs Sarah’s arm halfway up the stairs, halting both their ascents. “We spoke.”
“We who?”
“Ava and I.”
“Oh.” Sarah fixes questioning eyes on Beatrice. “You were able to catch her as she left?”
It distresses her. Beatrice feels like she’s done something wrong. Something she can’t take back or begin to explain. “I don’t want to talk about it now if that’s alright.”
Sarah stiffens for a second, but recovers quickly. “Fine—yeah. Okay.” At the top of the steps she holds the door open for both of them. Beatrice feels Sarah’s heavy gaze on her as she slips out of her shoes and grabs at the two crates from under Sarah’s arm. “We don’t need to speak about it now as you’ve asked. I know you prefer your space and time, and I respect you, Beatrice, but we will talk about it.”
And they will. Of that Beatrice is sure.
She’s appreciative of the way Sarah allows her time. Sarah has always given her time. Allowed her to set the pace. To take small steps towards them. Allowed the tentative friendship, sprouting forth from their fencing lessons, to truly flourish and strengthen into something more, into their relationship.
‘I’m content,’ Beatrice had said to Camila when she first brought up Sarah. Camila hadn’t pressed. Just waited for Beatrice to share when she was ready. Even though the band already knew. They had a feeling. She was doing better, they could tell she had finally taken the first few steps in order to move on.
Honesty had been paramount once her relationship with Sarah began. It was important that Sarah knew what her state of mind was going into it. They understood each other. Knew what the other needed. Sarah knew the demands of Beatrice’s career. And Beatrice knew to give Sarah space to focus when starting on a new book. They complemented each other well. Both finding that perfect balance between their busy lives and schedules.
The shower’s tap closes, the sound of the pipes rattling briefly echoes across the flat. It plucks Beatrice from her thoughts. Her hands are going through the motions of individually wrapping each vinyl with bubble wrap. Cutting through the plastic sheet with the scissors first—to the perfect rectangular shape—and then flipping the vinyl onto it and taping it securely. Once ready for the move it goes into one of the now assembled crates.
Beatrice stands, pulling the wooden stool to the left, and grabbing a bunch of the records off the top shelf. She flops down onto the floor, ready to start the routine again. The records are all early jazz staples: Etta James, Nat King Cole, Billie Holiday, Chet Baker. They’re the oldest albums in her collection and the most damaged. Passed down from her father. There are years of memories attached to them. When Beatrice wraps them she’s extra careful, there’s a moment when she thinks she has maybe used too much bubble wrap but then thinks better of it, adding more layers.
Her hands stop on a 7” inch single of ‘Dream A Little Dream of Me’ by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. The sleeve isn’t facing the right direction. The jacket is going in from above into the plastic sheet rather than on its side for complete dust protection. It’s not how she places them. And Sarah is especially careful when handling these records. When she pulls the record’s sleeve out to correct the error, a small note slips out.
I hope we think of each other at the same time.
Beatrice’s lips part, a choked sort of sound escaping. All at once, she feels like there’s been a collision within her. Her lungs are scrambling to recuperate from the blow. Chest burdened with the desire to expand much bigger than she wants to allow it to. Fingertips barely able to hold the note steady enough to read through it a fifth, sixth and seventh time. She can hear herself whimpering like a wounded animal. Too afraid to be seen but in desperate need of help. Help that she doesn’t deserve.
The door to the bathroom opens and Sarah steps out. She’s running a towel through her short hair, the steam billowing out behind her. Beatrice attempts to pull back the gasp of air that has come out of her. The gasp, escaping out of pure dread of being caught so defenseless. She wipes at her eyes, but the tears don’t stop. They’re emerging faster than she can rub at her face and dry them.
“I’m going to start din—” Sarah stops and observes. Beatrice knows how this looks. She’s not a crier. It’s not something she allows herself to do. Always a strong front, even when it's unwarranted.
“I’m sorry—I just got caught up with—”
“Beatrice,” Sarah walks over, hands coming to life Beatrice’s cheeks, thumbs gently rubbing under her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t think I can—” she gasps after roughly inhaling through her nose, “I can’t.”
Sarah sinks down to sit crossed-legged beside her for a few seconds, putting the pieces together. Her eyes move from the vinyls, to the wrapping material, and finally to the note tightly clenched in Beatrice’s hand.
Sarah breathes out. “Come here,” Sarah says, tugging on Beatrice’s arm and bringing her close enough to wipe at her face with the towel.
“I’m sorry,” Beatrice chokes out between a gentle swipe. “I’m so sorry, Sarah.”
The silence stretches across the entire room. It presses further down on Beatrice’s chest. Suffocating her.
Sarah's hands twist in place. “Was it Ava coming today? Was that it?”
Beatrice nods and Sarah exhales sharply.
“I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. I’ve—I’ve tried,” Beatrice chokes out, shame seeping into her person like an endless stream. “I thought I could—I thought I could do this. That I had moved on. You don’t deserve this. I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, Sarah.”
“I—” Sarah’s voice falters. “I’m not going to say I understand, because I don’t. All I know is that you’re crying—that you’re hurt and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can fix it.”
Beatrice’s eyes brim with new tears. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she repeats.
Sarah looks around the living room, to the boxes stacked by the door, some still folded, others half-packed and waiting. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Beatrice.”
Then she stands and steps back, and Beatrice’s chest aches, hands heavy by her sides.
—
It’s time.
As the plane gained altitude and left the sprawling metropolis below, the thought plays like a continuous beat in Ava’s head, mimicking the pace of her heartbeat.
It’s time.
Throughout the entire two and a half hour flight back to Madrid.
The first thing she does as she gets home to her apartment is to venture into her office and pull open her desk drawer. The bracelets rest in that drawer, intertwined together. The ring, Beatrice’s ring, ensconced safely in its walnut brown box, is gently placed next to the pair of bracelets. Waiting. Hoping.
Her fingertips rub at the lid of the wooden box drawing comfort and strength, for what she’s about to embark upon. Ava looks down at it one final time, sucking in a deep breath and releasing it in one long exhale, before sliding the drawer shut.
‘It’s time’, is all Ava texts Emilia and Alice as a precursor, as a heads up before what she is about to do.
Her hand trembles a little, her thumb leaving a slightly sweaty imprint on the phone screen as she settles deeper into her couch, navigating to the prepared message in her Notes app.
Her lips move along minutely as she silently reads the words to herself yet again. Reads and rereads the public relations message, crafted by her team and signed off by the label. The words that do not sound like her—not Ava the person—the words do not strike a chord within her.
Fuck it.
She quickly pulls up a photo from her phone’s gallery, the photo of a rainbow that she had seen from her balcony a few days following Beatrice’s first and unexpected visit to her apartment in Madrid.
"Breaking news: I’m bisexual. Turns out, I swing both ways and still can't hit a decent piñata."
The moment she posts the picture and message on Instagram, an instantaneous sense of relief and exhilaration rises up and spills out into happy laughter.
She’s done it. No more hiding. She’s free.
As her phone begins to vibrate nonstop with notifications, she quickly shuts the phone down and tosses it onto the coffee table.
The team can handle it.
—
Bea
[Congratulations.]
That’s it. That’s all Beatrice had texted her two days after she had come out.
And then radio silence. Nothing, not a peep from Beatrice in three weeks.
The shutters of her bedroom windows remain firmly shut, her bedroom a dark and silent expanse. Perfectly conducive to the wallowing that is happening.
Any hope that Ava had when she left Beatrice on that London sidewalk, the taxi driving her away, has gradually wilted and withered away.
Her fingers burrow into the material of her pillow, clenching it tightly over her head, facedown into the mattress as she sloshes about in her well of self-pity. Running over the events again and again in her brain. And she knows. She knows that she’s done everything possible and said all that she wanted to say to Beatrice that day.
Maybe it wasn’t enough.
She knows she can’t dwell on this. That she shouldn’t. But she’s earned the right to cry a little every morning and nurse her broken heart before she gets up and goes about with her day, right?
—
March
“Tendré más cuidado. No te preocupes, me aseguraré de que tenga suficiente humedad esta vez.” (I'll be more careful. Don't worry, I'll make sure it gets enough humidity this time.) Ava reassures the store clerk when her face becomes a shade paler than before Ava walked in. It’s the fourth plant this month. She’s trying. But something is telling her this is the last one she’ll be allowed to buy before she becomes persona non grata.
Soon there will be a picture of her plastered behind the counter. A warning not to sell to the plant murderer.
The clerk waves her off and Ava catches her doing the sign of the cross from the side of her eye. Yeah. No amount of blessings is going to help this little dude survive. Its predecessors all fell into the case of crispy leaf syndrome before succumbing to inevitable death at her hands. She was meant to keep it moist, but apparently plants can be too moist. And honestly, Ava has had enough. Dalí the fourth here is going to have to adjust quickly if he is to survive.
There’s barely any cloud coverage today, the Sun’s rays coming down strongly. It sizzles her skin the moment Ava steps out of the plant shop. She adjusts the totes on both her arms. One filled with fresh fruits and vegetables from nearby local stands. The other, carrying a bouquet of Spring flower bulbs just waiting to burst open with life.
Ava squishes her toes into her sandals, adjusts Dalí the fourth against her hip, and pops her sunglasses back on with her free hand. The bucket hat on her head doing the majority of the work when it comes to blocking out the scorching sun from her face.
Next up on the list is Dulce’s cafe. She can practically taste the Miguelito and cafe con leche that awaits her.
A motorbike zooms by and she bounds forward to make it across the street—some of Dalí’s dirt bouncing out of the pot and onto the pavement below—before a car honks and she almost almost gives it the finger. She adjusts herself and sets her sights on La Colmena.
With her hand on the door, Ava stills, her eyes widening at who she sees inside.
(Y)(S)
I want your love, don't try and stop me
Can't get enough, still hanging on me
Your guilty heart, don't let it break you
And if you pray, well no one's gonna save you
Beatrice smiles widely as she chats with Dulce. Hands excitedly moving about as the conversation continues. This is something Beatrice only does when she speaks Spanish, a habit picked up from Ava when she emphasised a point and felt particularly strong emotions. Witnessing it out in the wild fills her with so much affection that she has to physically take several steps back.
Beatrice is here.
Beatrice is here in Madrid.
Beatrice is here in Madrid buying Miguelitos from Dulce.
It’s the most beautiful sight in the world.
Like every one that your fear
And every thing you hold dear
Even the book in your pocket
You are the sun and the light
You are the freedom I fight
God will do nothing to stop it
The origin is you
You're the origin of love
Ava is unable to stand still. She keeps twisting and turning to check that it is in fact Beatrice inside the cafe. The sunglasses and bucket hat come off at some point, discarded without another thought and Ava wishes she had put on contacts because she’s currently doubting her own eyes. And her heart won't stop hammering in her chest. Dalí the fourth and the tote bags abandoned on top of one of the outside tables.
Beatrice’s hair is neatly pulled into a low bun, two strands of her hair artfully framing her perfect face. The black short-sleeved jumpsuit Beatrice is wearing is flowy and airy, the perfect outfit for a hot day like today. Ava can’t stop looking because Beatrice is here. She needs to get a hold of her emotions because her mind is going a thousand kilometres an hour. Relentlessly yelling ‘Beatrice is here! Beatrice is here! Beatrice is here!’ for the last few minutes.
She breathes in and holds it. Counts it down ten, nine, eight, seven, six, fi—
Beatrice is moving.
Ava bounces on her heels in anticipation.
Beatrice’s free hand is on the front door, the other carrying a pastry box.
Ava’s hands open and close by her side in pure panic.
This is it.
Beatrice steps out and Ava’s breath catches in her lungs.
Their eyes meet.
Like stupid Adam and Eve
They found their love in a tree
God didn't think they deserved it
He taught them hate, taught them pride
Gave them a leaf, made them hide
Let's push the stories aside
You know the origin is you
Ava must have caught Beatrice by surprise because she appears slightly dazed, coming to a stop just a few metres from each other. Her lips tilt upwards before her gaze falls to the ground bashfully.
She’s eyesmiling. Beatrice is eyesmiling at the ground. The tips of her ears pinkening ever so slightly.
Ava brings her hand up for an awkward sort of wave. “Hello,” she says, and it sounds as stupid as she feels saying it. But it gets the desired effect. Beatrice looks up and smiles brightly, directly at her, returning Ava’s wave. “You’re here.”
Beatrice takes a few steps, closing the short distance between them. “I’m here,” she confirms while nodding quickly. The pastry box is gently placed onto the table, next to Dalí the fourth and the totes. “You got a plant? Last time you got a plant it—”
The world blurs as Ava collides into Beatrice, arms wrapping around her neck tightly. Relief floods out of Ava when Beatrice doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around Ava. Pulling her close until there’s no space left. Ava buries her nose into the crook of Beatrice’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent of lavender and something else that is entirely Beatrice. Everything she has missed. Beatrice’s hands press firmly, holding her just as tightly. It sends goosebumps down her neck as Beatrice breathes her in as well.
The train ride went on without any fanfare, just the occasional glance up to check for their stop, which after the first few times turned into an excuse to look at Beatrice. Ava wasn’t sure what was commanding her to do it and she had never been the type to gawk, much less at a person. There was something about the way Beatrice held her neck when she was looking away, it was long, strong, and with the tiniest freckle on the left side. There was an aura about it as well, like she had been instructed her whole life to keep her head held high through proper posture.
“Something on my face?”
“Wha–”
“You were staring.”
“Now arriving at Knightbridge station,” the automated voice echoed across the cart.
“That’s our stop isn’t it?” Beatrice craned her neck double checking. Then, without confirming, gripped Ava’s hand and began to push through the throngs of people.
@princington strikes again with their talent. The look on Ava and Beatrice’s face. I CAN’T! So soft!
This is a scene from chapter three of Liturgia.
In case you needed a song to accompany it, Rina Sawayama’s ‘Cherry’ is the one.
A/N: Hello everyone! I'm back from my little vacation with a football AU (that's soccer for you Americans but we don't use that word in this house). Here is an extract and if you want to read the prologue and 1st chapter which are out now, you can use the link at the end! Enjoy!
“We have a new teammate.”
Sabine looked around the room and noticed a water bottle in one of the lockers that were usually empty.
“Oh yeah, back to twenty-three then. Who is it?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you about.”
Before Hera could finally break the suspense, the door opened again. At first, all Sabine saw was a black hoodie, but as the person looked up, she found herself face to face with her worst enemy. Shin Hati was dressed for training and carrying a sports bag over her shoulder. Through the open teeth of her sweater, Sabine spotted the orange training shirt of the Phoenix.
Shin paused at the door when she saw Sabine staring at her. She pushed her hoodie down to remove her headphones.
“Right… you’re back.”
“Can you give us a moment, Shin?” Hera asked over her shoulder.
Shin shrugged and turned around, closing the door behind her. Sabine was furious.
“She’s the newbie?”
“I wasn’t sure how to tell you-”
“She kicked me,” she shouted, making Hera wince. “She broke my clavicle.”
“She didn’t mean to, and she got a yellow card for it.”
“We lost the World Cup because of her. I lost the armband.”
“I thought you were alright with that?”
“Of course not, I’m not alright. I wanted to be captain this year. Vel is my friend so I’m making my peace with it, but this…”
Sabine began to pace, running a hand through her short hair.
“Are they trying to replace me?” she asked as she turned around to face her coach again.
I had the honor of collaborating with the wonderful @whiteravengreywolf and I'm so happy to finally be able to share a sneak peak of her new story titled “Original Sinner” that will be posted tomorrow, and let me tell you, you're not ready for what's coming because the story is amazing 👀
Chapter 19: Ese cristalito roto, yo sentí como crujía, antes de caerse al suelo ya sabía que se rompía
Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice
Ao3
There’s a playlist and a mood-board.
(*)
Me han dicho que no hay sali'a por esta calle que voy
(They told me there’s no way out of the path I’m in)
Me han dicho que no hay sali'a, yo la tengo que encontrar
(They told me in order to find the way out I have to search for it myself)
Aunque me cueste la vida o aunque tengas que matar
(Even if it costs me my life or even if I have to kill for it)
Ava pushes.
She pushes because it is all she has ever known.
When she was five she pushed herself to learn the piano.
Ava remembers the mornings when her mother harmonised as she played from the living room of their childhood home.
A Summer bird.
Joyful. Free. Fleeting.
The melody followed Ava throughout the house as she skipped and slid on tile floors on the way to the kitchen. Inside, abuelo and abuela made breakfast. Tia Emilia rushed down the steps and ruffled mamá’s hair just to see how much she could get away with that day. Tia was always in a mad rush, barely stopping for a quick bite and sip of cafecito right before classes.
Like clockwork.
A routine known but not spoken about and dearly missed when it changed.
Her mother walked her to school that morning and she asked, no, Ava demanded to be taught how to play because Mamá, you love it, don’t you?
And that was it.
She sat on top of her mother’s legs every afternoon after school. Slowly learning each note and how her fingers could go up and down along the different keys and still find the repeating notes in the same order.
Different, but still the same.
That’s how she remembers her mother at the time as well.
Different, but still the same.
Some days, Ava remembers her mother bursting with energy. Running after her as they played space invader or re-enacted their favourite Disney musical moments. Other days, only abuela and tia were allowed to see her. The house was quiet those days and abuelo watched over her as she climbed the trees in the backyard looking for stick bugs, or harassing them, as tia would put it.
“Mamá, will you sit by the piano today?”
“I don’t feel well today, cariño.”
“That’s okay, I want to play for you .”
Her mother smiled and sat nearby for as long as Ava wanted.
She remembered hoping that if she played long enough, well enough, that her mother would sing again.
When she turned seven, the house had been quiet for some time. Mamá was in the hospital. Abuelo and abuela with her.
Tia walked her to school instead. No more rushing.
Emilia was different, but still the same.
Then, it was just Ava in front of the piano. Abuelo and abuela made breakfast like usual. Tia came downstairs, one step at a time, ruffling the top of her head before sitting down at the dining table.
“Will he come by today? ” Emilia asked every morning.
Ava could hear it in her tone. The silent anger.
“No.”
Ava played and sang louder. Did everything she could to drown them out as they argued.
The piano had made mamá happy. Maybe it could make her happy too.
He deja'o un reguero de sangre por el suelo
(I have left a trail of blood on the floor)
He deja'o un reguero que me lleva al primer día
(I have left a trail the leads me to that first day)
Que te dije que te quiero pa' saber lo que decías
(When I told you I loved you just to hear what you’d say in return)
It’s just her and Emilia now.
The routine is different, but still the same.
Ava pushes.
She has never needed anyone beside her.
That feeling had emerged from a young age as she observed Emilia dating. The partners never stuck around long enough for Ava to learn their names. In truth, she only met two or three, and those were all in passing. Emilia never brought any home and never introduced them to their family.
Brief. Inconsequential. Unnecessary.
Unnecessary . Emilia had said one night as they gorged their weight in patatas bravas after a particularly messy breakup. Ava was 15 at the time, braces on full display and fringe covering half her face.
“You’re going to get astigmatism.”
“Is that what you told her?”
“No, idiot. Your eyes.”
“Oh.”
“I told her I didn’t have time.”
Which was a half truth. Emilia was following in abuelo’s footsteps. Learning everything she could from his years of experience in management. And when she wasn’t taking on the family business, she was looking after Ava. And Ava didn’t always make it easy for her. At least she would soon start at the conservatory.
“But you do. I’ll be away.”
“My career is important, Ava. You’re important.”
“Is it because she was becoming important?”
“I’m scared to let her become important.”
Emilia was different after that, and maybe not still the same.
Her focus was on work, at being the very best she could be. And then, when Ava wanted to pursue a music career, it was all about: What can Ava do? How can Ava be the very best she can be?
Ay, el querer
(Oh, to love)
Que en un momento quisiera estar loca y no querer
(For one moment to be insane and not in love)
Porque el querer causa pena
(Because loving causes sorrow)
Pena que no tiene fin
(Sorrow which knows no end)
Si el loco vive sin ella
(Someone insane can live without sorrow)
The audience cheers and Ava tunes them out. Or tries to.
Push.
Stick to the routine. Don’t let the thoughts in your head get in the way. They’re here to see you at your very best. The very best you can be.
She can sense the dancers sit beside her as the concert continues around them. If she looks to her right, between the curtains and the stage lights, she will find Emilia. Emilia has been standing there all night, watching closely, making sure that she’s okay.
Anticipating, probably.
Ava will push.
She will continue to reinvent herself.
Shred off little pieces of herself. Never anything too revealing. And drop them down like a trail for someone to find, but never her. Never the real her. Small pieces she could do. Rather than to be picked apart by others and torn to shreds. Whatever is left in the end will be hers and hers alone.
She has been going at this for so long.
This never-ending cycle of reinvention. To keep the public’s attention just long enough to sell herself and her image. What she allowed herself to sell. It was never like this for men. They didn’t need to constantly adapt their music, image or their public personas. But regardless, this is the fate of being a woman in this industry. The requirement is clear, she needs to stay relevant and desired.
And now? The finish line? It continues to outrun her.
Will it ever be enough?
(*)
Por la noche, la salía del Bagdad
(At night, at the exit of Bagdad)
Pelo negro, ojo' oscuro', bonita, pero apena'
(Black hair, dark eyes, beautiful but barely)
Sentaíta, cabizbaja dando palma'
(Sitting, head down and clapping)
Mientras a su alrededor
(While all around her)
Pasaban, la miraban, la miraban sin ver na
(They passed and stared, they stared without seeing her at all)
Solita en el infierno, en el infierno está atrapá
(Alone in hell, she was trapped in hell)
Sentaíta, la' mano' la' juntaba
(Sitting, joining her hands)
Que al compás, por bulería
(To beat of buleria{complex rhythms})
Parecía que rezaba
(She looked like she was praying)
Junta la' palma' y las separa
(Joining her hands and separating them)
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
Junta la' palma' y las separa
The tempo increases.
Just three more songs.
Just a month and half.
One final push.
Then, she can crawl home with whatever is left of her.
Sweat has been pouring out of her for the last half hour, she can feel it going down her neck, it makes her short locks stick to her cheeks. The fabric of the white sheer robe she’s wearing over the black leather outfit is damp and no longer swirling around her. Ava runs an arm across her forehead, wiping the trickles away.
Gathering herself as the dancers stand, knee bent and arms on them, waiting.
(*)
Ese cristalito roto, yo sentí como crujía
(That little broken crystal, I felt it as it shattered)
Antes de caerse al suelo ya sabía que se rompía
(Before it fell on the floor I knew that it would break)
The sound of glass shattering pushes the dancers towards her, circling her, catching her now that she is weak and fractured.
Helpless prey.
But she won’t let them devour her.
Malamente (eso es)
(Fragile)(That’s what it is)
¡Así si!
(Like that!)
Malamente
¡Tra, tra!
Mal, mu' mal, mu' mal, mu' mal, mu' mal (mira)
(Fragile, so fragile, so fragile, so fragile, so fragile) (Look)
Malamente (toma que toma)
(Fragile) (Take it, take it)
Está en la mente (eso es)
(It’s in my mind) (That’s it)
¡iIllo!
(Hey!)
Malamente
Mal, mu' mal, mu' mal, mu' mal, mu' mal
Malamente
The audience sings along with her. These songs she wrote in her early twenties. Before she understood them. Before the reality of them faced her now. Inconceivable how she could have predicted back then what it would all mean now.
Young Ava was not naive, but did she really know what she was truly getting herself into? Following this dream? Relentlessly.
Was this what she even wanted anymore?
The cycle?
The reinvention?
Picking herself raw?
Who was she doing this for? Her mother? Herself?
What was there left to gain?
Aunque no esté bonita la noche undivé voy a salir pa la calle
(Even if I don’t look pretty I’ll go out on the streets because the night is divine)
En la manita los aro' brillando, en mi piel los corale'
(In my hands the hoops shining, on my skin the corals)
Me protejan, me salven, me iluminen, me guarden
(They protect me, save me, enlighten me, keep me)
Y por delante, no voy a perder ni un minuto en volver a pensarte
(Moving ahead, I won’t waste another minute thinking of you)
The dancers circle her again, but this time she faces them head on. They crawl in a circle around her and she stoops to their level in a squat, unafraid. An angry snarl on her face as she flails her arms to deter them.
The label wants another album. The brand contracts are piling up. The press pick apart her every move.
An infinite loop.
Different, but still the same.
(*)
Las flores de esta ciudad no huelen a na
(The flowers of this city don't smell like anything)
¿Por qué será? ¿Por qué será?
(Why is that? Why is that?)
Y toa' las chicas son tan bonitas, tan plásticas
(All the women are so pretty, so fake)
¿Por qué será? ¿Por qué será?
The arena goes silent under the weight of the song, they wait, eager to hear her haunting delivery.
She waits too. For the sound of death. For Beatrice.
Beatrice, who is with her in every song now. Small pieces of her spread across her discography.
Lyrics that predated Beatrice’s presence. Without realising. Without intending to, Ava had written about her. About them.
As if the universe knew and was just biding its time.
Impending and inevitable.
Flor de sakura
(Sakura flower)
Flor de sakura
Ser una popstar nunca te dura
(Being a popstar never lasts)
Flor de sakura
Flor de sakura
No me da pena, me da ternura
(It gives me no sadness, it gives me no tenderness)
The intensity of their relationship, which was once so beautiful, coming to an end whips her in the chest. She didn’t anticipate this. Feeling like this. Like the world had ripped out her beating heart and suspended it out of reach.
She couldn’t have predicted what singing this song would feel like now that Beatrice was no more.
The sides of her eyes burn. She swallows hard.
She needs to finish. She’s almost there.
No pa siempre pues ser una estrella y brillar
(You can't be a star and shine forever)
Via reírme cuando tenga 80 y mire p'atrás
(I'm gonna laugh when I'm 80 and look back)
Nunca m'ha dao miedo la risa de un loco
(I've never been afraid of a crazy man's laughter)
Más miedo me da el que miente o el que ríe poco
(I'm more scared of a liar or someone who doesn't laugh much)
Her face contorts without her meaning to. The tears are running down her cheeks. Impossible to stop their path down.
She has become the liar, the person who barely laughs.
Emilia must catch that something is off from her voice alone, because Ava can see her crowding closer to the stage now as she turns away from the crowd. There’s an obvious concern that has been there all night, but now it’s exaggerated and alarmed.
Ava grits her teeth, holds the microphone with both hands.
La que sabe, sabe
(If you know, you know)
Que si estoy en esto es para romper
(That if I'm in this, then it's to break)
Y si me rompo con esto, pues me romperé
(And if I break to this, then, I'll break)
¿Y qué?
(So what)
Delirium sets in.
Mind racing through the events of her life and the last two weeks.
Loss.
Impermanence.
Decay.
And then just one…
Beatrice.
Solo hay riesgo si hay algo que perder
(There's only risk if there's something to lose)
Las llamas son bonitas porque no tienen orden
(Flames are pretty because they’re chaotic)
Y el fuego es bonito porque todo lo rompe
(And fire is pretty because it consumes everything)
The pop of the microphone reverberates across the arena as it hits the floor.
It’s in the green room that she’s able to focus again.
She didn’t finish.
She didn’t finish the concert.
She was one song away.
Emilia runs her hands across her cheeks, trying to calm her, but it’s useless.
She can’t breathe.
Everything sounds loud around her.
Emilia voices repeated encouragements to focus, to breathe in and out, to listen to her.
The floor is cold and hard under her hands. She focuses on that and not on how her fingers tremble against it. Instead on how it grounds her.
“Get out!” Emilia yells when the green room door opens.
She’s gasping.
Her chest feels like it’s going to explode.
“Bea—” She can’t get the name out without a knife slicing through her. Going deeper each time.
“You need to calm down. I think—Ava, you’re having a panic attack,” Emilia is trying to be soothing, but it’s coming out agitated, coated with fear.
“I was—” she wheezes out.
“Shhh-shhh,” Emilia pulls Ava to her chest, “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
—
Emilia sticks closely by her side all the way back to the hotel.
It’s only once she’s showered, dressed in pajamas, lying underneath the covers and willing herself to let sleep claim her, that it becomes abundantly clear what the problem is.
The silence is deafening.
The room is pitch black.
It’s so quiet that she can hear the rhythmic ticking of the clock across the room. The tick of the seconds hand drags a little too long every three intervals.
Tick - Tick - Tiiick.
The hotel needs to replace the battery. She should call the front desk about that.
It’s so quiet that she can hear the distant ding of the elevator as it’s called and arrives at her floor.
It’s so quiet she can hear the thoughts in her head. The nonstop chant beneath it all.
Beatrice. Beatrice. Beatrice.
Ava’s tossing the covers to the side and bounding towards the door in the next instant. Barely remembering to snag the room’s key card from the coffee table. Then, she’s tapping the card against the sensor and pushing open another door. And with a quiet ‘snick’ the door eases shut behind her.
Emilia has already turned on the bedside lamp and swept back the bedsheets for her by the time Ava makes it across the room and crawls onto the mattress. Emilia reaches her arms out to loop around her, tugging Ava close to her.
Ava’s eyes close at the brush of Emilia’s lips against her forehead.
“Cariño, talk to me.”
Her hands fist into Emilia’s silk pajama top and she shakes her head.
“No? Don’t want to?” Emilia rubs her back soothingly for some time, humming a long forgotten melody. “Do you remember the song I used to sing to you when you were still a toddler and all you did was suck your thumb?”
Ava nods her head against Emilia’s shoulder and feels more than hears the deep breath that Emilia inhales before she bellows out,
The ants go marching one by one
Hoorah! Hoorah!
The ants go marching one by one
Hoorah! Hoorah!
The ants go marching one by one
She’s joining in with Emilia by the time they get to the next lyrics.
The little one stops to suck his thumb,
And they all go marching down to the ground
To get out of the rain.
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
On and on they sing until they get to the ants marching ten by ten.
A fond smile adorns Emilia’s face as she looks on as Ava gleefully shouts out the final ‘THE END’. When the song is finished, they regard each other in silence.
Emilia breaks the quiet first. “Cachetona. Please? Tell me what’s on your mind.”
The first thought that tumbles out of her mouth catches them both off guard. Not least because Ava is the one speaking about work during their personal time. “I need a break.” Emilia’s eyes widen in response but she only nods, urging Ava to continue. “I will finish the rest of the tour but after that I need to take some time off. An extended break. You need to let the label know that I can’t—I won’t do another album right now. Is that okay?”
Emilia nods quickly in response, reacting instinctively to the uncertainty in her voice. “Yes Ava, of course. I’ll handle it. Don’t worry.” When she falls quiet again, Emilia cajoles her, nudging her gently, “And?” Eyes searching hers.
Ava’s bottom lip trembles of its own accord. “Do you remember Laurel?”
Emilia is caught off guard and physically rears back in shock. “How do you—you remember Laurel?”
“Yes. She was the only one that snuck me bizcochitos when you weren’t paying attention. I liked her.”
Emilia has a far off look as she chuckles fondly at the memory. “Oh, trust me I noticed.”
“When you broke up with her, you said she was unnecessary and you were afraid to let her become important. I…I’m afraid of what Beatrice could become if I let her.”
“No—no. I don’t—don’t...” Emilia screws her eyes shut, consternation evident across her face. “I made my choice to—I made a decision with all the information I had at the time and I don’t regret it. But Ava, I made that decision because I knew what was more important to me. I don’t want you to be scared of…of Beatrice because of something I said almost 15 years ago.”
“I find myself wanting too much.”
Aghast, Emilia is vigorously shaking her head, “That’s not—”
“In the middle of the night, when I’m exhausted and my bones actually ache from how hard the day has been, all I want in that moment is to roll over and see her next to me in bed, fast asleep and lightly snoring. And I want—I want so much to look across the table of a busy restaurant on Valentine’s Day, with all the other idiots also celebrating an over-commercialised marketing scheme, and see her sitting across from me. With no one stopping to look twice at us…but I’m scared, no, I am terrified, that I could want that to the exclusion of everything else.”
“Ava…I think Beatrice might want that too.”
—
Babea
From Chart-Topper to Alcoholism: Ava Silva’s Party Antics Stir Controversy Yet Again
[You promised.]
[Bea, I’m sorry.]
[I just want you to be safe. I want you to be healthy.]
[This isn’t either of those things.]
[I know.]
[Please.]
—
“Is it okay if I remove—” the on-set stylist asks, hands hovering above Ava’s shoulders.
“No,” she replies, leaning away. Far enough away to create space between Ava and Ava the singer. She unclasps the necklace, its weight landing on top of her open palm. The heaviness as it lands is a juxtaposition to its delicate design. A simple gold chain pendant with an embossed carnation. Beatrice’s birthday gift to her. Holding no meaning to anyone but them.
The photoshoot doesn’t take long. Several outfit changes and different handbags to parade.
It all goes according to plan. Everything as expected.
“Hi, I’m Ava Silva and we were just on set for the October issue of Who, What, Wear .”
When she sits down for an interview afterwards, the questions are all predictable. She puts on the smile, the big eyes, the soft look on her face. “My music in three words would be…eclectic…fusion…and sincere.”
Ava has always been alone. She has acquaintances, friends, people she keeps at arms length. Has never let them close enough to truly understand or damage her. Never letting them close enough to hurt her with their departure. Alice? Alice is a good friend, knows her well, well enough to know when things are bothering her or when things fascinate her. But Alice doesn’t know the ugly, scary parts. The darkest parts. She doesn’t know how neglected she can feel. How being in a room surrounded by people that know her can still make her feel like she’s completely alone.
When she steps away from the photoshoot and heads out into the streets, Alice doesn’t follow.
Alice knows that she needs to be alone.
Ava doesn’t walk very far and keeps her head down. Not because she’s afraid of being seen or coming across fans, but because London hurts.
This city has Beatrice’s fingerprints all over it.
She keeps her eyes on the cobblestone and concrete, and heads in the direction of the cafe her phone had suggested. The beginning of a cool Autumn wind sweeps through her hair, sending the curls in every direction, it sends shivers down her neck and down her body.
She should have worn more. She should have grabbed a jacket. Bea would have insis— no .
The door jingles as Ava steps inside, taking in the warm hole in the wall. There’s old furniture spread throughout the space, all worn, all wood, and all charming. The glow of the globes ease her instantly as she walks in deeper to order.
She sits and waits for her coffee, nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie and taking in her surroundings. Framed art is hung at random along the walls, plant pots littering any open surface and the ceiling above her vast and with its intricate Victorian tiles. There’s the recognisable crackle of a vinyl being played, but the music is soft and barely audible, only there for mood and nothing else.
She can see the apparition sitting opposite her, leaning over excitedly to talk about the artwork they’ve selected and the overall ambience of the cafe. No . She screws her eyes at the betrayal of her thoughts. Shaking it out of her head.
Ava pulls out her journal and writes. Busies herself. Doesn’t let her mind linger on anything for too long.
Como una perla que volvió al fondo del mar. Si te perdiera se que te volvería a encontrar.
(Like a pearl that fell to the bottom of the sea. If I lost you I know that I will find you again.)
“Ava?” A voice calls out to her as she lowers the mug from her lips. Broad shoulders and blond hair. Michael. It shouldn’t be such a surprise, he lives here after all. “What are you doing here?” he asks, stepping away from the counter and towards her as the barista begins his order.
Damn it.
All Ava wants is to be alone.
She can hear the distinct cadence of Carrie Bradshaw in her mind, “ If you smile, even if you’re feeling bad, the action of the muscles will trick your brain into thinking you’re happy. ”
Ava smiles, does a little awkward wave to seal the deal. “Michael, how are you?”
He sits across from her, takes her in. The action causes her to shift uncomfortably and close the journal in front of her. “Good. I hear you’re a free woman.”
Ava blinks and struggles to breathe like a fish caught out of water. “What do you—”
Michael’s brows draw down in confusion, “With the tour being over I mean, you’re free.”
“Oh!” She exhales, a nervous little laugh escaping her. “Yes, all finished. Happy for some time off.”
“I also heard you’re taking a break.” As Ava nods, Michael continues, “Sorry. Word travels fast, especially with the year you’ve had. A lot of producers were looking forward to working with you. I, amongst them of course.”
“Of course.” She plasters what she hopes is a reasonable semblance of a grin across her face.
They continue talking about what they’ve been up to. Michael is amused by the amount of sugar that goes into her second coffee, even as he drinks his black and scorching hot. Disgusting. With zero regard for its taste or texture. Just a means. She doesn’t allow the thought to transform into something else.
Michael’s finger circles the lip of his mug, contemplating something. “Ava, are you seeing anyone right now?”
His eyes widen in response to her sharp inhale. The truth of her answer burns at her lips. To speak it into existence to someone other than Emilia and Alice is to acknowledge the reality of it all.
Instead, she shakes her head in reply. Something seems to brighten in Michael in response. A direct contradiction to how she’s feeling.
“Will you be in London long?” Michael asks, hands now tapping on the table. It’s rhythmic and distracting.
“No. I’m only here for brand obligations. I don’t think I’ll be coming to London for a while.”
He leans back into his chair, “That’s a shame. I was hoping to ask you to dinner.”
Ava has to do a double take. “Sorry?”
“Since we’re not working together I thought maybe I would finally ask.”
“I see.” She leans back too, eyes on the mugs between them. Somewhere safe. Beatrice’s pout flashes in her mind and stays. Cute and over exaggerated, along with all the trembles. It shoots up her heart rate and her throat aches in response.
Michael clears his throat, possibly trying to get her to focus. His eyes are searching hers, “Would you like to? Go to dinner with me?”
Her hand comes to the back of her neck, rubbing, smoothing the skin there. “I don’t—it’s not that I—I don’t think—”
“You don’t have to say yes, Ava. I just thought I’d ask.”
The weight is back. The necklace. Ava clutches it. It doesn’t alleviate the pain that surges through her. “I’m not sure,” she smiles but it wavers, it doesn’t sit on her as it usually would. “Maybe?” It lacks enthusiasm, Michael can tell. “Yes.”
“I think I just witnessed an important decision being made,” Michael laughs nervously, an attempt to clear the awkward energy that has descended upon them. “Are you free tonight?”
“Tonight?”
“I know how busy your schedule must be but I thought I’d check.”
“I’m free.”
What the fuck did she just do?
What did she just agree to?
Is that really what she wants?
Michael walks her back to the shoot. He offers his jacket when he notices her shiver. He waits outside the building as she makes her way upstairs.
He’s cautious and courteous.
They agreed to meet later for dinner.
“There you are,” Alice says, bags already on her shoulders, phone in hand, waiting at the top of the stairs. “We’re all done here if you want to head back to the hotel and get room service. I thought we could watch something stupid like Toddlers & Tiaras or we can—what is this?” Alice’s hand reaches for Michael’s jacket, “Did you steal this from someone? Ava, we’ve been over this, you can’t just take people’s clothing when they’re not looking. The press is going to start calling you Winona Ryder.”
“It’s Michael’s.”
Alice’s moves are emphatic as she crosses her arms and leans all her weight on one foot. “Michael? Michael with the hair swoop that makes him look like a blond Superman? That Michael?”
“Yes. My producer Michael.”
Alice is quiet. There’s a dip at her cheek, like she’s biting down from inside. “What are you doing?”
“I ran into him at the coffee shop. We talked. He—”
“What the fuck are you doing, Ava?” Alice says, turning away, exasperated. She swings back again just as quickly, “What did you do?”
“I’m not doing any—”
“Yes! You are!”
Ava takes a moment to look at their surroundings. The hallway is clear, everyone is still inside going over the shots and planning out the remainder of the shoot. “I’m not doing this here, Alice.”
“There’s a car waiting for us. We can speak there.”
The partitions come up the moment they board. Alice’s body next to her is rigid and hostile. Her expressions are shuttered and closed. She’s quiet beside Ava. Waiting.
Ava knows that she must begin the conversation. That she needs to have this conversation.
“My heart leaps at my throat whenever there’s a text message,” Ava begins, lips pressing together involuntarily, “I keep thinking it’s her. I keep hoping it’s her.”
“And is it her?”
“No.”
Alice grips at her hand, the one she’s using to pick at her cuticles. “Michael? Really? You want to jump into another relationship just like that? I know that you’re rash, but even you have to agree that this is a lot.”
“You know I’m not sleeping. That I’m barely keeping it together,” she explains. Alice knows this. She shouldn’t have to say it but she does nonetheless. “Alice, I don’t want to feel this way. It’s torture. All I want is to see her, hear her, be by her side. Anything.”
“Nothing is stopping you from that. You know that, don’t you?” Alice takes her silence as an answer while looking at everything but Ava. “How will this help? What makes you think that Michael or anyone will help?”
“It’s just dinner. It’s nothing serious. I just want to know—” Ava stops the contemplation before it’s out into the universe, “No, I just want to think about something else.”
Alice sighs. Runs her fingers along her forehead. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Ava. Sometimes—sometimes in life, there’s a person who you only ever get one chance at. Do you understand?”
Ava nods.
—
It’s not a good idea at all.
It’s actually such a bad idea that Ava regrets it the moment she steps out of the restaurant with Michael. The flashes from the waiting cameras flood her vision, sending her heart rate into the stratosphere. Of course. Because what else could have possibly happened? Ava is not invisible, not by a long shot. She doesn’t run like her body wants her to. Like a wounded animal, desperate for safety. Instead, she goes completely still and makes direct eye contact with the photographers, uncontrollable anger shooting through her as they continue to take pictures of them.
Michael gets a hold of her elbow and she recoils away, it doesn't go unnoticed by him as he opens the car door for her and they slip inside.
Beatrice.
In the town car, Michael makes attempts to grab her attention. Mentions how sorry he is for what has happened. How he hadn’t considered the possibility. Ava nods. Agrees placatingly in order to calm him, he’s just as panicked as she is after all. Just panicked for different reasons. His world is different, he can go about his day unnoticed. But not her. For him, it’s only dinner, but for her it won’t be. The moment the photos are published this will be everything but dinner between them.
In the eyes of the world, she’ll be promiscuous. They’ll rant about how the tour was only keeping her attention for the moment. How it isn’t surprising that she’s returned to the drinking and the men.
Beatrice.
Ava waves goodnight to Michael. Michael, who apologises again after saying he’ll be in touch, but she doesn’t have the time to look after his feelings. Not right now. Not when the only feelings that matter are that of the woman she’s in love with.
She’s out of the car and rushing into the elevator within seconds. Once inside the hotel room she digs through her purse for her phone.
There’s a wall between her and the world. There always has been, but right now the walls need to come down again.
Beatrice.
It rings twice.
“Hello? Ava, is everything okay?” The mere sound of Beatrice’s voice makes her chest burst with happiness.
It’s bittersweet and doesn’t last.
The yearning that springs forth is so palpable that she needs to grip the arm of the chair next to her. The fabric constricts under her fingers as she takes in Beatrice’s immediate question. How Beatrice’s instincts are always to look after her.
Even after everything.
Ava’s face muscles feel tight. The small smile upon hearing Beatrice is difficult to sustain in the face of what she’s calling about. “Hi,” she greets.
Beatrice chuckles when it appears like everything is okay. “Give me a second? Camila is being a pest.” A door opens and shuts. “ Hi. ”
It’s all too much. Hearing Beatrice for the first time in two months. She didn’t anticipate this. Having to call Beatrice to tell her something that will hurt her. It’s not something she should do over the phone; she would never do it like this, but Beatrice isn’t here. Beatrice will find out from the press if she doesn’t do it herself. If she’s not honest. Beatrice deserves to hear this from her.
“Is something wrong?” Beatrice asks when the silence stretches too long.
Ava sits on the floor, crossing her legs underneath her. She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for what she’s about to do. What she’s about to say to Beatrice, someone who loves her and shouldn’t be hearing this at all. “I need to tell you something. I wanted you to hear it from me.”
“Have you been drinking again? I know I give you a hard time about it, but I do it because I care.”
“No. I haven’t been. I promised I wouldn’t and I have been keeping my word.”
“Okay. Tell me then,” Beatrice says, voice steady, listening.
“I went to dinner with—with Michael. We were photographed on the way out. I didn’t want you to see it from them. I didn’t want you to come across it like that—without me telling you.”
“Oh,” Beatrice’s voice drops, losing the confidence from before. A pause before, “Is this like the JC thing? When you did it to get my attention?”
“No.”
“I see.” Beatrice is quiet apart from the uptick in her breathing. When she speaks again her voice is shaky, “Are you going to keep seeing him?”
“I haven’t given it much thought honestly.” It’s the truth. She hasn’t. The only person she thinks about is on the other side of the world getting her heart broken again. And it’s Ava’s fault. Always her fault. “Maybe.”
“Right. Well, okay.” The disbelief in Beatrice’s reply is mirrored in her own mind. “Thank you for telling me. I shou—I should go.”
“Bea, no, talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk right now.”
“Please? Can you just tell me how you feel? It’s okay. I’m listening.”
It takes several seconds, almost as if the line has gone dead, but then the words rush out of Beatrice, “Did we not mean anything to you? Did I not mean anything to you?”
“What?” Ava pinches at her arm, she focuses on the pain. If it hurts enough then she doesn’t have to feel the shame that is threatening to swallow her whole.
“You’re already dating someone—”
“I’m not dating Michael,” she interrupts, she won’t allow Beatrice to vocalise what isn’t true.
“You had dinner!” Beatrice bites back. “How could you—”
“One. I had one dinner with him. I was here in London for a—”
“I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know.”
The mark on her arm is the red from where her fingers enclosed around the skin. The blood vessels underneath are now damaged and distressed. “He doesn’t mean anything to me, Beatrice. He couldn’t possibly. You know this.”
“Of course. Sure. I understand.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what, Ava? Pretend? Pretend like you’re not hurting me? Should I thank you for telling me? Or what? Congratulate you for being able to move on so quickly?”
“Beatrice, that’s not what’s happening here.”
Beatrice scoffs, “Like a light switch, huh?”
“Beatrice.”
“I’m sure this is easier isn’t it? Him.”
“Beatrice.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Whatever you want it to mean, Ava.” After a few tense seconds, Beatrice exhales a long exhale through her nose, the sound catches at the microphone, distorting everything.
When Beatrice speaks again it all comes out at once, as if the words have been thought through several times and at length, “You know what? Spare me. If anything else happens, do not call me. I don’t need to be kept up to date with what you do or who you see. Leave me alone to deal with the predicament you’ve caused. After all, I’m the one that gets a barrage of questions about the mystery girl I’m dating while I am very much single right?”
The line goes dead after that.
She tries to call again.
Beatrice does not answer.
—
(*)
I’ve become the petals of cherry blossoms, falling softly, sorrowfully to the ground
The stain is the moon that's fulfilled, and the purging at night begins
Beatrice’s kicks land on the heavy bag, one after the other. Pivoting just enough that force is able to bounce the bag back after each hit. There’s sweat running down her face, the newly short hair impossible to contain in a bun.
One.
Two.
Kick.
Elbow.
I wonder, do you remember?
The mat underneath her feet feels damp as she takes a step back, grabbing the nearby water bottle and taking a few sips. There's only one other person in the gym and he’s on the other side lazily pedaling while watching something on his iPad. He remained after everyone else had been scared away by her rather aggressive workout and music selection.
The colour of faint, night begins and people swarm
The colour of pomegranate, pricked by thorns, it disappears
Jab.
Jab.
Lead elbow.
Rear elbow.
She’s in the middle of several hooks to the bag when Lilith walks in. She knows it’s Lilith because the music is unceremoniously shut off and an angry scowl is thrown in her direction.
“Can I help you?” she asks, tone on the cusp of very annoyed.
“We’re going out, I was sent to grab you.”
“No, thank you.”
“It wasn’t a suggestion. Go shower. You reek.”
—
It’s nightfall by the time they take the train from Ginza and wind up somewhere in Shibuya.
They’re on the hunt for karaoke and it’s a task proving easier said than done in this endlessly sprawling city. Where directions can literally range from ‘on the third floor of that building with the Hello Kitty ad, no not that one, the other one next to the Gundam statue’ or ‘don’t miss that sign that leads down, maneuver through an entirely different city underground, and then come back up into another prefecture’.
Yasmine spots it first, the sign for their karaoke booking, a hysterical laugh escaping her. They’ve been circling the same street for close to thirty minutes now and patience was starting to wear thin. Yasmine grips Camila’s arm, who grabs Beatrice, who tugs on Mary, but not Lilith who chooses to follow behind while bulldozing into every single person on the street.
After several flights of stairs, they finally reach the establishment. The neon lighting and tacky 80’s aesthetic is the first thing that greets them. Then, a cacophony of noise, hyperpop emanating from closed doors along with terribly sung power ballads and drunken laughter.
As they make their way through the cramped hallway, they pass several closed doors, each pulsating with chatter and song. They follow along obediently behind the host as he leads them all to their private room while going over the establishment rules and how to order from the menu once inside.
(*)
“あなたはどこにいるんだろう,” a drunken male voice from one of the room croons out. It’s a melody Beatrice recognises immediately. “誰を思ってるんだろう…”
Don’t think about Ava.
Camila turns, giggling. “You are always gonna be my love!”
Don’t.
The voice continues undeterred and brimming with a confidence it should definitely not have, pitch all over the place, “いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても!!!!!!”
Yasmine joins. “I'll remember to love, you taught me how!”
“You are always gonna be the one!” Camila and Yasmine belt out in unison pulling each other into a side hug.
Fuck.
—
Camila spins around as the song begins, microphone to her lips, pointer finger in the direction of Beatrice, “I wanna talk to you!”
“Oh God. Here we go,” Mary says, sitting back on the suspiciously clean faux leather couch.
When Beatrice doesn’t match her antics, Camila stops the song and forces it to restart. “Listen here pigeon ankles, WE are going to engage with one another. Now, be the Grace Kelly to my Humphrey before I do something you’ll regret!”
(*)
“I wanna talk to you!!!!” Camila repeats, eyes intense and boring into Beatrice’s.
Beatrice clicks her tongue but reaches for one of the other four microphones, “The last time we talked, Mr. Smith, you reduced me to tears. I promise you it won't happen again.”
As Beatrice and Camila keep singing along with Mika, Yasmine is busy queuing music while Mary is nine pages deep in the drink/food tablet menu. She doesn’t even have to ask them what they want, already so in tune with all their likes and dislikes that it has just become second nature. Mary passes the tablet along to get their confirmation and then their first of many orders is sent off to the kitchen.
I tried to be like Grace Kelly
Mmmmmmmh
But all her looks were too sad
Aaaaaaaaaah
So I tried a little Freddie
Mmmmmmmh
I've gone identity maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
By now, Yasmine has grabbed a microphone as well and is standing right next to Camila, the two of them crowded in front of the large television screen, lyrics and music video forgotten and largely unnecessary. They’re both trying really hard to get the ball rolling but Lilith, typical Lilith, is pretending that she’s above it all.
When two pairs of eager eyes meet hers, she’s basically done for. Camila shimmies her way to Beatrice on the couch, extending out her hand, she exhales once before taking it.
I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me, why don't you like me?
Walk out the door!
“Getting angry doesn’t solve anything…”
—
Their initial order of food and drinks have been delivered and they’ve done a few rounds of ‘no, it’s your turn’, ‘let me eat!’, ‘no, not that one, that’s not the version of the song I want’, all while cramming noodles, gyoza, takoyaki and chicken karaage down their throats like ravenous wildlife, and washing it down with their alcoholic drinks of choice.
“I really don’t understand why I need to partake in this,” Lilith says severely as Camila thrusts the remaining microphone into her hand.
—
Lilith takes a sharp inhale, face solemn,
(*)
I came in like a wreeeeeeecking baaaaaaaaaaaall!!!!!!!
I never hit so haaaaaaaaaaaaard in loooooove!!!!!!!!
All I wanted was to breaaaaaaaak your waaaaaaaaaaaalls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All you ever did waaaaaaaas
Wreeeeeeeeeeeck me!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, you, you wreeeeeeeeck me!!!!!!!!!!
“Look at her, she’s such a light weight,” Mary snorts out some of her scotch, a twinkle of mischief in her eyes as she points at Lilith, “Like an overfed lion, belly full and too content to pounce, completely harmless.”
Lilith catches the end of the insult, nostril flaring. Everyone runs for cover as she starts to swing the microphone around like a sledgehammer.
—
(*)
“You triflin', good-for-nothing type of brother.” Yasmine is holding a microphone up to Mary’s mouth, her other hand snapping with attitude as Mary continues the diss, “Silly me, why haven't I found another? A baller, when times get hard I need someone to help me out. Instead of a scrub like you, who don't know what a man's about.”
Can you pay my bills?
NO!
Can you pay my telephone bills?
NO!
Do you pay my automo' bills?
NO!
If you did then maybe we could chill
I. Don't. Think. You. Do.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
You. And. Me. Are. Through.
Yasmine makes the mistake of shoving Lilith. “Don’t look so smug Lilith. What about Adriel?”
They all laugh.
“SHUT UP!” Lilith taps her foot impatiently. “Why am I the one catching all the strays? What about Camila? What’s his name? The lighting rig guy?”
“Todd?” Camila supplies, then winks when Lilith grimaces.
“Yeah, him! We should sing ‘No Scrubs’ next.”
As Camila and Lilith begin an angry exchange, Beatrice, Mary and Yasmine back away slowly in the direction of their drinks, lest they trigger them further.
“HEY! Todd’s a nice guy!”
“He’s a scrub!”
“You’re a scrub!”
“No, you are!”
“I know you are but what am I!?”
“A SCRUB!”
“Wait! No, that’s not what I meant. Lilith!”
“Scrub!”
—
(*)
Three drinks in and she is definitely starting to feel its effects. The scattered light of the disco ball causes Beatrice’s mind to spin and twirl.
“I forgot this music video starts out with so much drama,” Mary says, fully invested in the music video playing out on the television.
Yasmine pushes her curly locks to the side and faces the corner, voice a deep and smooth contralto,
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
“Who told Tyson Beckford that he could be so delicious!”
“Camila!” They all groan out.
“What!? He had no right! No one should look that good doing ‘tai chi’, it’s distracting! Look at him!”
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Mary cackles. “GIRL! Get up from the shower floor!”
“If Tyson Beckford broke up with you, you’d be sobbing on the floor of your shower too.”
Wha—even she’s not drunk enough yet to have missed that.
“Camila, he died in the beginning of the music video!” Beatrice corrects, nearly choking on her drink. She screws up her face, blegh , the tequila sunrise doesn’t taste very good when hitting the back of her throat.
“Oh. Well, if Tyson Beckford died in a motorcycle accident, you’d be sobbing on the floor of your shower.”
—
Yasmine is definitely drunk now. She’s been giddily pointing at and laughing at something on the ceiling for a few minutes now. If Beatrice was sober, she’d probably be a little afraid.
Oh right. She and Camila are dueting.
Camila leans backwards and Beatrice mimics her, backs meeting, microphones held above their mouths,
(*)
Ummmmmmmmm…
Boo hoo hoo, you’re just a silly boy
Go back to mommy and your Fisher Price toys
Get on up out of my lane baby
Drivin’ too fast for me to save ya
And then they’re both bouncing in place in a mad rush to get through the rap, but it ends up sounding like a mess of words as they scramble to keep up.
ATL Mommy but I speed it like a New Yorker
Skinny minny but my money, eat you like a porker
Step down, cuz I’m winnin’, my money is killin’
No, no, no no, silly boys can’t tame me
Benny’s the only one who’s ever gonna claim me
Uh, uh, uh, uh, I’m in love with the price tag
Gimmie your number – Imma give that shit right back
They both put one hand on their waist and do the subtlest repetition of twerk. Standing up and trying not to tip over is now taking actual effort.
Fxxk Boyz Get Money
Wow
Fxxk Boyz Get Money
Wow
Fxxk Boyz Get Money
Wow
Money, Money, Money, Money
“Camila, do NOT get on the floor!” Lilith yells mid-crouch, making a grab for Camila but falls on the floor instead. “EW FUCK, it’s sticky.”
“HELL NO! I’m not drunk enough for that shit!” Mary shouts, skipping the song.
—
The room has been divided into everyone vs. Lilith.
Lilith has a drink in hand and a smug look on her face as the verse is directed at her. Or at least, it’s definitely Lilith’s attempt at a smug look. In reality, her features are starting to become a little fuzzy and she looks a little loopy.
(*)
Do you, do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control a bit, and it's really distastefuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul
They all stick out their middle fingers at Lilith, who shrugs and scoffs.
Fuck you
Fuck you
fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch
Ta -ra -ra -ra -ra -ra -ra~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fuck you
Fuck you
fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So, please don't stay in touch
They’re going around Lilith now, attempting to skip jovially while flipping the bird with both hands with varying degrees of success. Lilith swings wildly at them all the while, not landing a single hit in her drunken stupor.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
—
(*)
Mary walks back inside the room then, not at all surprised to find that Camila has taken off her cardigan and is spinning it out around like a crazed 90’s club attendee.
“Jesus Christ. I can’t leave you guys alone for more than five minutes.”
Beatrice does a doubletake. She could have sworn Mary had been seated on the couch, not even a second ago.
It's okay to just admit that you're jealous of me
Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that's the word on the street
You're obsessin', just confess it, put your hands up
It's obvious, I'm your number one
Lilith has found sunglasses between the cracks of the couch, which has turned out to be quite the Mary Poppins bag. Earlier, it had given them a packet of unopened gum, lemon flavoured—yuck— and a One Piece key chain.
Camila and Yasmine are strutting across the small cramped room pretending to be chased by news reporters as Mary attempts a conversation.
Beatrice grabs ahold Lilith’s glasses, putting them on,
It's alright to just admit that I'm the fantasy
You're obsessin', just confess it 'cause it's obvious
I'm your number one, I'm your number one
I'm your number one, yeah, I'm just livin' that life
Von Dutch, cult classic but I still pop
I get money, you get mad because the bank shut
Yeah, I know your little secret, put your hands up
It's so obvious, I'm your number one, life
Von Dutch, cult classic in your eardrums
Why you lyin'? You won't fuck unless he's famous
Do that little dance, without it, you'd be nameless
It's so obvious, I'm your number one
Before they erupt into nonsense jumping and something that looks like dancing, she throws a kiss in Lilith’s direction. Entirely the wrong thing to do of course because now she’s being chased around as the bass of the song continues to intensify around them.
“Get back here, you spineless little jellyfish! Yasmine, grab a hold of Beatrice!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Camila, what are you doing?!” Lilith shoves Camila’s phone out the way.
“I am recording in the spirit of the song!”
“Get away from me!”
“Bea! You’ve had such a successful year! What do you attribute to your popularity?!” Camila asks, following her around incessantly with the phone as she continues to sing along to the song. Camila falls into her several times and she needs to prop her back up. “All we get is ‘no comment, no comment’”
I'm just livin' that life
Von Dutch, cult classic but I still pop
I get money, you get mad because the bank's shut
Yeah, I know your little secret, put your hands up
It's so obvious
I'm your number one
I'm the one, your number one
Your number one, your number one, your number one
—
(*)
You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, and I'll be there
You are my love, you are my heart
And we will never, ever, ever be apart
Are we an item? Girl, quit playin’
"We're just friends", what are you sayin'?
Said, "There's another", and looked right in my eyes
My first love broke my heart for the first time, and I was like
Mary is holding her head in her hands, “This is fucking sacrilege. How do you go from Charli xcx to Justin Bieber?”
“I’m pretty sure we’ve earned a special place in hell for even conjuring it,” Beatrice replies, a beatific smile on her face as she watches Lilith make a fool of herself.
“Keep your mouth shut Goddamn it!” Camila shouts into her ear. “Let me get this on video or I will actually murder you in the middle of the Shibuya crossing.”
Lilith continues to sing, glasses recovered and completely plastered,
Baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine, mine
Baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine, mine
—
“Hello? Beatrice?” Ava’s voicemail answers for some reason, tone uncertain, or at least Beatrice assumes it is. She can’t actually tell, given that she probably stinks of alcohol and is too in the metaphorical clouds to put any kind of coherent thought together without sounding like a needy lovesick mess.
“Hi… it’s me,” she slaps her face in annoyance. Ava knows who it is, absolute idiot move on her part. She shakes her head, attempts not to slur her words, “Of course you know it’s me…I don’t know why I said that. Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m calling—I shouldn’t be calling you, I know that. I know .”
“Is everything okay? I’m glad you called—”
“Oh, hey you’re talking haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I didn’t know voicemails did that, what a smart voicemail. I didn’t know technology could do that. Hmmmmmm. It’s good to hear you, nice to hear your voice even if it’s a recording. I miss the sound of it. How you say my name. Beaahhhtrith. Beaaaaatriceeee?—never mind.” Just get your thoughts together, Beatrice, for crying out loud . “Anyway my thoughts, I need to get them straight. I—I keep thinking about you, like, nonstop and it’s making me feel like I’m gonna—I miss you so much it’s…it’s loco. Loco. Haha. That's a funny word…I miss our talks in the middle of the night when I’m exhausted and can’t keep my eyes open. I miss how angry you get when I don’t look after myself. You’d be so angry right now if you saw how much alc—alllch—drinks I drank tonight,” she pauses and sniffles. Lilith and Yasmine are a few metres from her, slumped on ground, shoulder to shoulder.
“Beatrice, where are you? Where’s the band?” Ava’s voicemail voice is very insistent on talking back. Something about grabbing them? Who knows. “I’m texting Camila. Can you please just stay where you are, don’t go wandering around.”
“They’re here…I think. Somewhere. Tokyo is a big place. Wait—no I see Mary she’s getting…getting a sleeping cat toy from those claw things, thingamajigs, or is it a fox? Maybe it’s a fox.” She shrugs to no one in particular before snapping her fingers in front of her, “Listen, shut up, don’t confuse me, I need to tell Ava—I keep wanting to tell you things, small things, like the cute green tea cloud dessert I had today because you’d squeal and tell me I had to try and sneak it in through customs for you,” her voice cracks but she pushes the lump down and continues, “I hate waking up and remembering you’re not mine.”
There’s a long silence, where Beatrice can hear the subtle intake of air from a wince, but when she turns around there’s no one there.
Strange.
Voicemail Ava clears her throat. “Bea, listen to me. Tell me about your surroundings. What do you see?”
In the distance she can see Camila barreling towards her and it makes her feet anxious, like maybe she’s doing something she shouldn't by the look on her friend’s face. “I never wanted to change your mind, but now I’m wishing I did. I held so many words back—I’ve been holding so much back, Ava. But I just…I love you. So much. I don’t know how to not love you. I don’t know how to stop—”
Camila tears the phone from her ear and speaks into it. “I found her. She’s fine, just drunk.” Camila nods a few times, eyes drifting from her to the ground. “Yes, I promise. Going straight to the hotel. Don’t worry. She’ll be okay. I’ll text you later.”
—
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WHO DID THIS!” Lilith cries from the hallway of their hotel. “CAMILA!”
Camila bolts upright from the bed beside Beatrice’s own. “Shit. Fuck. What did I do?!”
—
Zori is brandishing an arm in front of her to greet someone across the room. Ava follows the arc of Zori’s arm to peer at who she’s waving at. And that’s when she sees the band. Her spine stiffens at the realisation. There’s four of them, bookended on either side by Yasmine and Mary’s assistants.
Beatrice is not there.
Yasmine spots her first, her eyes widening minutely when she registers who she is looking at. She’s smiling a polite smile at Ava, the other three heads shoot up to look at her as well. Camila and Mary attempt smiles. Lilith bares her teeth in some semblance of a grimace, eyes narrow and solemn. Ava waves back in greeting before turning away to sit down at her designated seat, readying herself to engage in contrived small talk with the others at her table.
They’re all here for the launch party of Cartier’s new perfume. Ava would have preferred to send her apologies but Cartier had expressly requested the presence of their brand ambassador.
It’s when everyone’s milling about and mingling, Ava circling the fringes and edging closer to the open bar to request a bottle of sparkling water that she materialises. Ava barely bites back the Oh fuck and the yelp that almost escapes her.
Lilith’s face is like a thundercloud as she takes an additional step towards Ava, her height forcing Ava to tilt her head to look up at her. There’s a cruel cut to Lilith’s features as she stares down at her.
Lilith doesn’t hesitate. “I honestly had higher hopes for you. You had me all convinced with your little display back in the flat. How you flew in to save the day just in the nick of time. I believed you braver,” her tone dripping with disdain, diction crisp, each syllable pronounced, “that you would have the cojones to come and greet us. Instead, you’ve avoided looking at us all evening. But shame on me right, Ava?”
Ava ignores the jabs, squaring her jaw and raising her chin upwards. “I apologise, Lilith. I thought you would all prefer it if I didn’t approach and just let you be.” She pauses for a second. Thinks about it, hesitates over asking Lilith of all people. But she has to know. “Where’s Beatrice? Is she okay?”
Lilith’s nostrils flare ever so slightly at the question. “She didn’t want to attend. She didn’t want to see you.”
Ava can’t hide the wince that crosses her face. Lilith is nothing if not blunt.
Lilith taunts, “Don’t pretend that you actually care. I can’t believe I was fooled by your act. But I see you clearly now, Ava. You are pathetic,” Lilith sounds almost bored as she says it. Her eyes scanning the crowd behind Ava’s back, “Where’s your new boytoy? I didn’t see him beside you during dinner. Or do you hide him too? Not important enough for you to acknowledge or trot out for events?”
Ava clenches down hard on her molars. She knows Lilith is needling her, she won’t react. No. She refuses to rise to the bait. “How are the concerts going? Are you guys enjoying Asia? The tour must be almost over.”
Of course Lilith ignores her attempt to change the subject.
“It’s so simple isn’t it? To admit that you’re dating Michael. What is it? Beatrice isn’t good enough for you? Not worthy of your love and attention? She’s just someone you can play with, dump and move on from?”
Ava sees red.
Her palm is swinging upwards before she remembers herself. Abruptly cutting herself off mid-motion and dropping her arm back down to her side. Nails digging into the meat of her palm.
“Whoa! What is going on you two?!” Mary is barging between the two of them, forcing them to take several steps apart.
Yasmine and Camila have also appeared on either side. Their eyes flitting about taking in both of their expressions and heads swivelling to check that the other guests have not noticed the altercation.
“Lilith, you…”, the sting of tears springing forth is too much for Ava to handle. Here, where she’s exposed.
“She—” Lilith has jerked her hand up to point accusingly at Ava before Yasmine hurriedly shoves it down.
Camila pulls Lilith aside, “Lily, stop. You promised you would behave.”
Ava can feel the ruddy heat on her cheeks, knows the tears are imminent and she strains her larynx in an attempt to choke down the incoming sobs. She needs to get away from them all before she ends up crying in public.
Ava turns to flee.
She’s alone for a few blissful seconds, searching for a bathroom, the nearest open closet, anything private , before she feels another body crowding in behind her, herding her into a room before slamming the door behind them.
Mary.
“Ava! Ava!” Mary’s face swims into focus in front of her face, “Ava, look at me.” Mary has her by the upper arms and is shaking her gently.
“Hey!” When she’s finally able to and is in control of her extremities, she nods her head at Mary, “I’m—I’m okay. Thank you.”
Only then does Mary release her fierce grip and step away. Mary paces along the length of the bathroom, stomping all the way as she leans down and checks under each cubicle. “For fuck’s sake! Ava. I’m so—I’m—I’ve thought a lot about what I’d say to you if I—.”
Mary pauses a moment to collect herself. Mary’s chest rises with the intake of a deep breath to centre herself before she continues, “I’m so angry with you. Angry and disappointed. You two should have just pulled your heads out of your fucking asses and talked. Really talked . Then maybe this could have all been avoided. But now Beatrice is heartbroken. And you’re struggling to not get into physical fights with Lilith. In public!”
“Mary, look, please—please leave me alone. I really don’t want to talk about this—” Ava is cut off as Mary lets out a small yell of exasperation and kicks at the door of a bathroom cubicle. It slams against the sides with a bang that ricochets through the otherwise silent bathroom.
Ava is stunned into silence. Perhaps a little perplexed at just how much this seems to matter to Mary. She stares at the set of Mary’s back, her shoulders visibly tense and coiled.
When Mary turns around to face Ava again, her face is resolute. Her jaw flexing as she chews through her words, voice low and controlled, “Beatrice barely sleeps. When she does sleep, it’s because she’s so exhausted that she can’t actually stay awake anymore. She’s floating through each day pretending she’s okay but she’s struggling. The band and I found out about Michael through the press. Beatrice was—she was talking to us about everything but now she has stopped again—” Mary cuts herself off, a ragged breath escaping her as she hesitates at what she’s about to say.
By now, Mary’s figure is a blur through the steady stream of tears flowing uncontrollably down Ava’s face. As Mary spoke over the past few minutes, the interaction with both Lilith and Mary—people she likes and respects—and the thought of Beatrice’s deliberate avoidance, had unwittingly caught up with her.
The quiet in Mary’s solemn silence is only broken by her gasping sobs.
As she nods for Mary to continue, for Mary to unleash whatever is on the tip of her tongue, Ava backs herself slowly towards the hand basins. The ceramic of the bowl digging itself into her back, the physical pressure, a welcome presence. She dashes a frantic hand across her face, wiping futilely at the tears.
“Beatrice has said a few things insinuating that she doesn’t think she’s worthy. Worthy of you. That she’s not worth the risk of being in a relationship with you.” Mary’s face contorts into a pained expression. “If you—if you’re ashamed of her, Ava, then you should’ve never approached her. You should have never pursued this relationship. If you ever told her you’re ashamed or gave her reason to believe she’s not worthy, I—I swear on my life, I’ll never let you get close to her again.”
Ava feels the final tether of her self control snap.
A fury overtakes her at the suggestion. Her voice, a banshee scream at the mere insinuation, “I’m not ashamed of her!” Her hands fisted and curled at her sides. Any restraint at keeping her volume reasonable and polite for the public setting, gone . “I could never be ashamed of Beatrice. Ever since…ever since we met, she is the best of me. The most honest part of me.”
The fight dies out of her as abruptly as it came.
She meets Mary’s eyes directly, whispering out, “I’m not ashamed of Beatrice,” desperate for Mary to see the truth in her statement.
Mary’s eyes search her own and must see something in her, must recognise that Ava is telling the truth because the lines by Mary’s mouth ease a little.
“I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed of myself for being too scared and unprepared to face this with her.” Ava can feel her heart thud painfully inside her chest. This disclosure to Mary—someone she would ordinarily keep at arms length—antithetical to the very way she’s taught herself to be, the way of life that has kept her safe and shielded in this business. And yet, here she is, articulating a fact to Mary that she has not quite been brave enough to drag out and examine in the light of day. A reality that she has only hauled out in the dark of the night, turning the tangible, viscous blob of thought over and over in her mind, only to tuck it away again, allowing it to fester. “I can’t haul Beatrice along as I work through this. I apologise over and over. We apologise to each other. But we never address the root of the problem.”
Mary is quiet and listening, a recognition dawning across her features, “So, then what? This is you addressing the problem?”
In the split second before she answers, Ava makes the decision. Beatrice is important to Mary. Therefore, Mary needs to understand. So Ava picks. Ava picks at the wound that had opened up when Beatrice had finally been honest with her all those months ago. A wound that follows her around, ever present, never healing.
“Do you know what she told me? For refusing to let her come with me on tour?” At Mary’s answering head shake, Ava continues, “She said that it would have hurt less if I slapped her. How can I continue to risk that, Mary? To risk making her feel like that? I’ve already hurt her enough. I am continuously hurting her. All because I can’t get my shit together. I love her too much to keep doing this.”
The silence stretches.
Mary is watching her closely, probably trying to figure something out. Trying to figure her out.
“I spent so long wanting her—wanting everything with her, that I never stopped to truly think about the reality of being with her and what that would mean for me, for my career. What level of scrutiny I would invite, to me, to her, to you. To all of us. What I could bear to lose.” Ava has to shut her eyes and turn her face to the side, a flush burning at her cheeks, shame trickling through her at her own cowardice before vocalising the rest, “Please understand. My career might never recover from this, Mary. I…I might still have something but it might always be less than. And as much as we want to fool ourselves into thinking that this industry has changed, it hasn’t. It’s just gotten quieter about its prejudices.”
There’s a whisper of fabric rustling as Mary walks closer to her. A gentle hand landing on Ava’s arm, a quick squeeze of a warm palm against her arm before it falls away again. An attempt at comfort. Mary’s voice sounds from right in front of her, “I understand your hesitations about the industry and all that comes with it. You’ve been at this a lot longer than we have and even in that short span of time…I’ve seen some really ugly shit. There are times that I need to reassure Shannon when she finds a particularly triggering comment online. It’s…a lot. Even for me at times. And I can’t tell you how to feel about it, you’re a solo artist so it’s all on your shoulders, but Ava…this can’t be all you ever allow yourself to have.”
When Ava finally raises her head again and opens her eyes to look at Mary, Mary’s face is sympathetic, even going so far as to quirk the corner of her mouth up in encouragement. “I’m sorry, Mary. I’m just not ready—I don’t know how to do this…I don’t know how to put her first.” Ava’s wringing her hands in front of herself now, both of their gazes drawn to the agitating motion.
It’s clear Mary’s giving her an open runway now, freedom to voice her thoughts without interruption. And so Ava continues, clearing her throat first. “I know that we chose this path. This career. A life where she’ll never be mine completely and I’ll never be hers. I will always have to share Beatrice the celebrity. And she has to share me with the world. I’m sure in some ways, Shannon feels the same way?”
Mary answers her with a quick, tight nod. The skin pulling taut around her lips, mouth a firm line.
“We’ve been...” Ava stops and corrects herself. “We were struggling to find time. When does it stop? The label was already asking for another album. You guys are still on tour but soon they’ll ask the same of you. It’s an endless cycle. There’s no winning.”
Ava takes a final gasp of air before she does it. Before she sinks into the almost debilitating fear of acknowledgement. Before she pokes into the centre of the truth blob, spilling its vibrating, malignant black mass. “And what if I admit it? What if I come out and say Beatrice and I are dating and we don’t work out? What if the pressure of everything still breaks us? What am I left with then? What if we don’t make it and then Beatrice hates me and the whole world knows that I had Beatrice, someone as amazing and singular as Beatrice, and then I lost her? I can’t bear that. I can’t face it knowing that everyone will know I had the opportunity to be with her and I lost her.”
Mary just looks at her in complete silence, face ashen. Defeat is clear in every line of her face and the stoop of her body.
But as Mary turns to leave, to leave Ava alone in the bathroom, she leans her head against the door and whispers, “Ava, you know you lose her anyway, right? The world might not know but you’ll know that you had Beatrice and you let her go…it’s clear you think you’re doing what’s best for you and Beatrice. But since you’re choosing this, then actually do what’s best for Beatrice.
Don’t approach her again.”
—
Bea
[Hi. The label wants us to be dropping singles as promotions while we continue to work on the next album, in order to keep the eyes on us. The first single they selected is one I started back with the whole JC thing. We finished it recently. It’s called ‘ Imagining .’]
[I just wanted to let you know that it exists and you might hear it around.]
[Okay, thank you for telling me ahead of time.]
[When will it be released?]
[Early next year.]
—
Ava feels the vibration of her phone against her thigh.
Emilia
She holds up an apologetic hand in the universal sign for one moment, gesturing to indicate that she will be back and steps a few metres off to the side.
“Hello?”
“Ava,” Emilia pauses, no doubt confused by the din of the souk in the background, “...Ava, where are you?”
“I’m in Morocco,” she replies cheerfully.
“Why are you—never mind, it doesn’t matter. I’m calling because abuela wants to know…” in the background Ava can hear the distinct murmur of abuela's voice as she urges Emilia on. Emilia sighs in defeat, her reluctance clear through the phone, “Abuela wants to know if you are bringing Michael to Christmas or New Years.”
“What!? How does she even—no, I already know. It’s those fucking neighbourhood chismosas. No. No . I…It hasn’t even crossed my mind. Why would I bring Michael home? I never bring anyone—”. Ava tips her head back, sunglass covered eyes searching the tops of the marketplace, taking in the decorations. She can feel her previous cheer waning at this sudden and unwanted conversation topic.
She rubs at her forehead as she tunes back into the phone call with Emilia, hearing the quiet sharp exchange of Emilia telling abuela in the background that she’s not bringing Michael and no, she won’t ask Ava why she won’t bring him. “Tell…tell Abuela that I’m breaking up with Michael and to stop listening to those nosy old ladies. They’re so full of shit—gossiping is not a hobby!”
Emilia goes silent before saying, “Wait a second.” She must be walking through the family home before entering a room and closing the door behind her, “Ava?”
“Yes? I’m here.”
“Did Michael do something wrong?”
“No.”
“Why are you break—”
“ No. ”
She does not want to start this discussion.
She really doesn’t.
But then Emilia asks, “Why did you even date him in the first place?”
She doesn’t answer Emilia at first. Suddenly very interested in picking at the stray thread unravelling from her canvas tote bag.
Emilia is patient. Waiting quietly on the other side of the call.
Ava loosens a deep breath. “Because… because I needed to know. I—I thought that maybe I had just been looking for the wrong kind of person…people who weren’t compatible with me. Because I didn’t care. Maybe I was deliberately seeking out inconsequential people.”
“And…Michael was compatible?” There’s a hint of confusion in Emilia’s tone.
“When Michael asked me out, I thought I would try. He’s a good guy, we worked well on the album together. The whole reason why I even asked him to produce Liturgia was because I knew he understood the change I wanted, and we vibed musically. He understood me…what I wanted for the album. We talked about interesting things as well. So…I wondered if—if … but it’s not that…it’s….” Her voice seizes in her throat.
Ava can’t say it.
Emilia whispers it for her instead, “It’s Beatrice.”
“It’s Beatrice ,” her voice echoes the name. Affection surges through her at the mere vocalisation of the name that she’s been avoiding for weeks now. She clears her throat quickly, “Emilia? I have to go. I was haggling with the merchant over some slippers and I’ve gotta get back to it or he’s gonna triple the price again .”
She hangs up without waiting for Emilia’s reply.
—
She feels Diego sit down beside her on the couch, tucking his body solidly against her side. Their family Christmas party is in full swing on the terrace.
“Ava?”
“Yes, Diego?”
“Why are you sitting in the living room by yourself?
She inhales a deep breath in an attempt to fix her drooping shoulders, not quite willing to burden a nine year old with all that’s on her mind.
Diego must sense her reluctance to speak because he continues on without waiting for her reply. “Are you sad? I overheard abuela and tia talking in the kitchen. Abuela was asking why you didn’t want to be with the family and telling tia to ask you to go outside. And then tia said to leave you alone and let you decide if you wanted to spend time with us or not.” His little face, starting to lose some of its baby fat and features starting to elongate, is upturned towards her, brown eyes watching her solemnly.
Ava opens her mouth, a lie on the tip of her tongue before quickly shutting it again. Diego doesn’t enjoy being lied to .
Instead, she nods through the lump in her throat. “Yeah, Diego. I’m feeling a little sad right now.” She reaches a finger out to boop at his nose, he goes cross eyed with the movement. “I’m sorry I’m not hanging out with you outside.”
“That’s okay, I just like being with you. And our family is too noisy sometimes.” With a puff of childish exasperation, he turns even more solidly into her, resting his head against her upper arm. Ava tilts her head down to rest against the top of Diego’s.
The two of them sit there in silence, eyes reflecting the twinkle of the Christmas tree lights as it rotates through its patterned sequence, the roar of their family in the distance, and the melody of the accompanying music.
“Ava?”
“Mmmm?”
“Will Beatrice come to New Years and play Mario Kart with me again?”
Diego must feel Ava’s sudden intake of air at the abrupt question, her choked surprise masked by his thick, wavy hair but he doesn’t say anything. Her heart feels like it's crumpling in pain at his question, asked in such a childish forthright manner.
She struggles to force the words out, the lump in her throat feels enormous, rendering her voice reedy and wavering as she replies, “No, she’s not coming. Diego… I don’t think Beatrice will be coming to family events anymore.” Diego’s question and all that it entails, a poisonous tar sliding its way down her insides to sit sludge-like in the pit of her stomach.
“Oh,” Diego’s voice is small, his disappointment clear. “I really liked her.”
“I really liked her too.” She feels like she should be honest with Diego. It’s her fault that Beatrice isn’t here. Her doing that Beatrice isn’t sitting right beside them, the flashing of the Christmas lights reflecting across her face, presents with her name on it piled under the tree. “I hurt her.”
Diego nods his head against her arm. “I understand. Sometimes I say mean things too. Maybe you can just say you’re sorry?”
If only it were that easy .
If Diego feels tear droplets sinking into his hair, he’s too kind to point it out.
In The Eyes Of A Child, Chapter 15: Mirrored Soul's Design
I vomited after you told me. To think that you allowed him to be present. When we…there were things I told you in confidence. I shared parts of myself with you that I had not shared with anyone else and because you lied, I shared them with him too. I have never been more vulnerable in my life and I have never felt so betrayed. You had him inside you the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. And you expect me to trust you? To call you ally? Where have you been as we searched for Ava? Where were you when we slew Nuriel and took his Halo? Where were you when the tarask came for Madeleine in her sleep? You have built your walls so high and mighty for you to cower behind. So cower there. And rot.
-excerpt from correspondence to the Mirrorsouled, unsigned, received 15.12.4 BF
“Would you be alright with us running some tests, Mira?”
“What sort of tests, Dr. Salvius?”
Dr. Salvius smiled thinly. “Please, Mira, I told you, call me Jillian.”
They were eating “brunch,” a novel concept for Mira, on a balcony overlooking the park just outside one side of the palace. Mira had no doubt that she would say “yes,” she couldn’t imagine Jillian Salvius would ever offer a test Mira would say no to, but what good was having a meal with maybe the most brilliant scientist who had ever lived if you didn’t bother to ask her any questions?
Jillian took a sip of orange juice with the aid of the exoskeleton on her right arm. “You mentioned during dinner some unusual experiences, even before obtaining Uriel’s Halo. Seeing wraiths? Unheard of, outside of a Halobearer, or Lilith. I’d like to take a blood sample, possibly run some vision tests outside the normal human spectrum. Some tests of energy output, and reactivity, if you’re willing. I won’t subject you to anything without your consent.”
Mira was nodding before Dr. Salvius…before Jillian could finish. “Absolutely.”
Jillian smiled, and Mira watched again as the skin around her lips pulled taut. “Lovely.”
“Is it OK if I ask?” Mira was proud that her voice didn’t shake.
Jillian’s face faded to what seemed to be neutral for her, though what on anyone else would have been something piercing and intense. “Camila told you the what, but not the how, I take it?”
“She said you were dying.”
Jillian nodded. “We’re all dying, with a few notable exceptions, but yes, I do not have much more time. Cancer, my body’s cells running out of control and eating me alive. The treatments are unpleasant, but they keep me alive. For now.”
“Do…do you know how long you…?”
“A few months, perhaps longer. I would be pleasantly shocked to see another summer.”
Mira felt something oily and rotten in the pit of her stomach. “But you…what happens to everyone then?”
Jillian’s shrug was the barest shift of her shoulders. “Our efforts, Yasmine’s especially, have focused on elevating my legend as well as Camila’s. She’ll arrange for a shift in teachings, elevate Camila’s role as my successor. Possibly my death will have been the result of some villainous attempt on Camila’s life, or on the Protectorate as a whole. I’ll have died a hero, and our system will capture that worship all the same. Camila will assume full leadership of the Protectorate. You can ask them how they will proceed in my absence if you wish. They might even tell you.”
Mira bit her bottom lip. “What if I gave you the Halo?”
Chapter 18: In the Heat of Summer Sunshine, I Kiss You, and Nobody Needs to Know
Pairing: Ava Silva & Beatrice
Ao3
There’s a playlist and a mood-board.
“You’re telling me that we’re going up a mountain on the back of a scooter?” Beatrice asks incredulously while the red vehicle in question is being kicked into place in front of her.
“Scooter?” Ava counters, rattled by the sheer disrespect to the motorcycle. A modern marvel of engineering so grand and totally necessary that it puts other modes of transportation to shame. “Beatrice, this is a Vespa.”
Her girlfriend crosses her arms displeased. “There’s no way we’re going to drive around the whole day on this thing and not have butt pain.”
“Butt pain doesn’t count on vacation,” Ava says dismissively, handing over one of the accompanying helmets, “Plus, I know a very good and willing masseuse…”
Shaking her head in response to Ava’s lasciviousness, Beatrice grabs at her helmet skeptically, checking the inside first then tugging on the chin straps. “Do you even know how to drive this thing?”
Before Beatrice can protest further, Ava tugs her own helmet on nonchalantly. Then, reaches over for Beatrice’s and gently deposits it atop of her head, making sure to buckle the chin straps snug. “Of course I do! I used to drive around Madrid all the time,” is her reply, but her voice kind of quirks in the end and Beatrice raises a suspicious eyebrow. “Well, I used to. I said ‘I used to’.”
“And why is it in the past tense?” Beatrice probes, pulling Ava forward to adjust the strap around her chin as well.
“Let’s just say that I made the news for crashing and Emilia almost had an aneurysm when she read the headline without context,” she stops for dramatic effect, “‘Ava Silva, Ecstatic in A Sea of Penises’.”
“WHAT!” Beatrice shouts, hand on her heart with a look that screams Ava has just scandalised her and all her ancestors.
Ava’s mind easily jumps to that time when her hand got stuck between the brake and the throttle, sending the Vespa and herself down a hill in the middle of the city. She remembers the poor Samaritans that rushed to help her as she careened down into an awaiting van. By the time she noticed it was too late, her body had flown off and in through the rear doors. Photographs were taken. Sugary penises surrounded her entire person and she swore off ever riding again.
That is until today.
“It’s not my fault you don’t Google me, Beatrice.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing if that’s the kind of headline I’m going to come across!”
“It was an erotics pastries van!” Ava laughs at the outraged but equally fond look shot her way.
“You could have led with that!”
She sits on the Vespa, scooting forward for Beatrice to get on behind her. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“I don’t know? Maybe not giving your girlfriend a heart attack!” Beatrice slides an unsure leg across, mindful of the storage compartment behind them. Ava’s looking at the map on her phone when Beatrice’s arms wrap around her, helmets bumping for a second, chin resting on top of her shoulder. “ Okay, motomami…pesa mi tatami…hit a lo tsunami… ”
“ Oooooooooh! ”
“ Okay, motomami…fina un origami…cruda a lo sashimi… ”
“ Oooooooooh! ”
They both giggle as Ava kicks the kickstand up and the engine comes to life.
The villa’s automatic gates open and they’re off.
(*)
Everyone's changing, I stay the same, I'm
a solo cello outside a chorus
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell,
you've been keeping me warm
Beatrice’s arms have enveloped her in a constricted hold as they speed down the narrow hillside road. Up first on their itinerary is Bellagio, a picturesque and deeply laned small village across from the harbour, nestled between the two southern branches of the lake.
They park the Vespa in one of the more quiet side streets and begin their hunt for breakfast. The orange, red and yellow cultural heritage buildings striking against the blue of the sky above and the green of the mountain ranges surrounding them. The clouds are few and far between today, the perfect excuse for sunglasses.
Beatrice matches Ava’s steps, hair down in pretty waves with strands fluttering about with the wind. They don’t converse much as they stroll down the cobblestone streets, heads poking into small alleyways and shop windows every so often. It’s not long until their hands brush, Beatrice quick with an apology. Ava doesn’t hesitate, grabbing ahold of Beatrice’s hand and bringing it up to her lips, placing a kiss and releasing it just as quickly.
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Finally deciding on what to eat, they sit by one of the tables facing the waterfront. When not busy being the subject of her pictures, Beatrice is quietly eating her cream filled cornetto while taking sips of her cappuccino. She, on the other hand, has already eaten three cannoli and various crostatinas, much to her girlfriend’s dismay.
“I don’t see how you’re planning to sustain yourself today with your lack of actual nutritional food,” Beatrice says from behind her cup, froth lining the top of her lips before a tongue passes to lick it off. She had snacked on an array of fruit earlier while waiting for Ava to get ready for the day. Beatrice clicks her tongue before commenting, “You didn’t even leave me a cannoli. Selfish.”
“I asked if you wanted one!” Ava replies, mouth hanging open for a moment, “You literally said ‘that’s too much sugar for any sane person’ before you watched me eat them all!”
“Yeah, well you should have just put one on my plate anyway.”
“Oh! I’ll put something on your plate alright!”
Beatrice’s tongue comes out closely followed by Ava’s.
To sweet beginnings and bitter endings
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven
Don't give it back, Winter is coming,
And I need to stay warm
The sprawling gardens stretch before them as they make their way to Villa Melzi, a neoclassical mansion located by the lake’s shore. The building itself is colossal, with blue shuttered windows covering most of the white façade. Beatrice encourages her to pose for a few pictures before they walk along the more quiet areas of the garden on their way to the small chapel.
“Bea,” Ava says, tugging on her girlfriend’s arm, “What about them? What do you think they’re saying?”
Beatrice looks at the couple just a few metres from them. Two guys around their age, also very obviously on vacation together. She chuckles before lowering her voice in an attempt to mimic one of them, “My name is Sam and I planned this entire trip.”
Beatrice is looking at her expectantly, waiting for her addition to the conversation. As they’ve been walking around, they’ve begun to play a game where they pretend to be the people around them. “My name is Paolo and I’m only here because my boyfriend is organised.”
“My name is Sam and Paolo would starve if I didn’t stash away snacks into our backpack.”
“My name is Paolo and I’m not carrying the backpack.”
“You are also not carrying our backpack, you can’t just sass him for that when you’re not doing it either!”
“Listen Sam, you plan our vacations. I bring my cute little butt for you to admire. It’s the perfect balance of roles.”
“Is that what I’m doing, admiring your cute little butt?”
“Of course, what else is there to distract you? The culture? Actually, nevermind. I saw the document you made for every stop, there were time intervals and everything.”
“I did no such thing! This is all spontaneous! I can be carefree! I can be impulsive!”
“Where are we going after this then?” Ava asks disbelievingly.
Beatrice goes quiet beside her in an act of defiance.
“Come on. I know you want to say it.”
“Nope. You won’t get a peep out of me. I’m being casual. I’m just looking at a cute little butt.”
“Uh-huh…then, we’ll take the ferry next and head to—”
“No!” Beatrice yelps. “We have to go look through the town center first and have lunch, after we get gelato and go to the Basilica. We can’t miss out on its historical significance. It was built between the 11th and 12th century and has a Romanesque style.”
“We’re getting gelato?”
Beatrice takes offense to Ava’s take away from the itinerary spiel and continues her explanation, “There’s a triptych there from the Middle Ages!” but then gives up, amused, “You like gelato, Ava. And I love you. So we’re getting gelato.”
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you and nobody needs to know
—
Ava is not a hiker. She would admit it to anyone within proximity if there was anyone around to tell. Beatrice doesn’t count in her athletic wear, perfect ass accentuated, pigeon ankles (thank you, Camila) on full display, and hair in a tight bun. Not a semblance of strain on her beautiful face.
Meanwhile, Ava is sure she’s as red as a fire truck, sweat dripping profusely down every possible expanse of her skin, with a wedgie that has been bothering her for hours. She’s exaggerating of course. It’s only been 37 minutes. And they haven’t even reached the top of the mountain yet.
Lake Como is for leisurely strolls through picturesque villages, not high adrenaline calf burning summiting. Ava isn’t above feigning childhood asthma at this point, but something tells her Beatrice wouldn’t believe her, or worse that Beatrice would and then chastise her for not having a puffer.
She was rudely awoken at the ass crack of dawn, the first morning lights barely visible as Beatrice passed along clothing items one by one, forcing her to dazedly put them on while escalating through levels of protests, pleading and childish tears. She had reminded Beatrice that the last time she had hiked was for her and she deserved some mercy. But no. Her girlfriend wasn’t taking no for an answer.
Let’s have a picnic with a panoramic view of Lake Como, Ava.
It’ll be romantic, Ava.
We can eat these delicious cherries, Ava.
I will reward you later, Ava.
Beatrice had said, as they ate cold sfogliatelle and rushed to drive the Vespa before the sun crawled its way over the mountains. And Ava would like to point out that she agreed because she loves Beatrice, not because she wants to be eaten ou—
A bird swoops her and at this point she wishes she was Kevin the dog from The Proposal .
“Take the dog…take the dog…take the dog,” she mutters, kicking up as much dirt as possible, patches of beautiful vista be damned.
“Did you say something?” Beatrice asks from a good 5 metres in front of her.
“ Did you say something? ” She mocks in reply, hamming up the English accent like a deranged Eliza Doolittle.
Beatrice doesn’t seem to have heard, which is good because she’s five seconds away from a murder suicide.
(*)
Ava needs a distraction. Something to get her mind off how agonising this little excursion has turned out to be. “ My grandma and your grandma were sittin' by the fire ,” she bellows, eyes on the floor, concentrating on the steepness of their climb, “ My grandma told your grandma ‘I'm gonna set your flag on fire’, talk 'bout, hey now… ”
“ Hey now… ”
Ava lifts her head. Beatrice has stopped climbing, hand resting on her hip as she waits.
“ Hey now, ” Ava continues the song.
“ Hey now. ”
She’s caught up to Beatrice now, who’s holding out her hand for Ava to hold. “ Iko iko un-day! ”
“ Hey, hey, hey! ”
“ Jock-a-mo fee-na ai na-ne! ”
“ Jock-a-mo fee na-ne! ” They both sing together.
The climb is easier now with Beatrice beside her. The ski resort around them largely forgotten in the Summer months. They’re about halfway through their ascent and the view is slowly revealing itself after climbing almost 8 kilometres. Again, probably an exaggeration. Ava has no idea what’s happening. The wind is picking up now that they’re closer to the ridgeline, causing them to huddle close for warmth and balance.
The song continues, motivating them further. They tap on their bellies, like makeshift bongos.
“ See that woman, all dressed in green Iko, iko, un-day !” Beatrice yells above the draft that threatens to send them to certain death, pulling her closer by the waist, “ She’s a woman, she's a lova machine Oh jock-a-mo fee na-ne, talk 'bout, hey now! ”
“ Hey now! ”
“ Hey now! ”
“ Hey now! ”
“ Iko iko un-day! ”
“ Hey, hey, hey! ”
“ Jock-a-mo fee-na ai na-ne! ”
“ Jock-a-mo fee na-ne! ”
The loose gravel trail that leads the rest of the way up is precarious and definitely not for Ava. She has slid more times than she can count by now and would have suffered a scrape or two if it wasn’t for Beatrice’s watchful eyes and quick reflexes.
The snow covered tops of the Swiss alps in the distance greet them near the summit, encompassing the entirety of the Lake Como district. Kilometres of lake wrapped up with breathtaking mountain peaks as far as the eye can see.
They sit on the rough ground close together with their cherries, barely able to eat them without hair getting in the way and the gale pushing them from side to side.
Beatrice says something but the roar of the wind drowns her out. She tries again but it’s futile. She is undeterred though, balancing the box of cherries on her lap, which frees the hand that’s not wrapped around Ava. Beatrice reaches for Ava’s hand, smoothing the palm open before running her finger in the shape of a heart.
Ava squeals and the wind takes it, but Beatrice knows, can see it in the smile that reaches her eyes. The warmth spreads through her like liquid fire, filling her with so much adoration for her girlfriend. Without a second thought she too reaches over, tracing a heart on Beatrice’s open palm.
—
Ava’s phone screen lights up with a reminder, followed in short succession by the vibration of an incoming text message. Beatrice, reclined on the opposite end of the hammock, is so engrossed in her novel that she hasn’t even registered the faint disturbance.
Ava takes a moment to admire the breathtaking sight of her girlfriend in repose. Sun bronzed skin on display, her black bikini top visible and only partially covered by her unbuttoned light blue dress shirt. Her toned runner’s legs encased in white linen shorts with one leg bent and the other leg currently thrown over Ava’s own legs, calf resting on Ava’s lap.
Beatrice’s sunhat lays discarded on the ground beside them, the surrounding linden trees providing adequate protection from the rays of the late afternoon sunshine, their leaves casting dappled shadows across Beatrice’s face. Whatever is occurring in the story has her so captivated that a sliver of Beatrice’s tongue is peeking out from the crease of her lips and her brow is furrowed in concentration.
It almost seems a shame to disturb Beatrice but interrupt she must.
Ava runs her palm firmly over Beatrice’s smooth calf, capitalising on this motion to appreciate the strong musculature beneath her hand. She also takes the opportunity to inspect the fading bruise on Beatrice’s ankle, an fun-injury obtained when Beatrice had kicked a leg out to the side that first night in the villa. Beatrice doesn’t even flinch when she presses a tentative finger into the bruise which is a good sign.
“Baby.”
Beatrice absentmindedly looks up from the pages of her book, “Yes?”
“I need you to stop reading now, please. We need to go get dressed. And you can’t ask me any questions.”
Beatrice opens her mouth in protest, “But—”
And Ava interrupts immediately with her hand midair, “Nope, no questions.”
Beatrice heaves a reluctant sigh, pouting minutely, “It was just getting really good.”
Ava doesn’t bother to entertain her with a reply, clapping her hand down onto Beatrice’s leg to punctuate the point, “¡Upa!”
Once Ava has maneuvered herself off the hammock, she steadies it from swinging too wildly with one hand while helping Beatrice slip off it with the other. When Beatrice’s feet are solidly on the ground, Ava cannot help but to pop herself onto her tiptoes in order to plant a kiss onto Beatrice’s lips. A blush quickly spreads across her girlfriend’s cheeks at the unexpected act, outside in broad daylight, with Beatrice mumbling out a “What was that for?” around the beginnings of a pleased grin.
“Nothing. I just really love you is all,” is Ava’s reply as she gives Beatrice’s hand an almighty tug to hurry her towards the house. Beatrice doesn’t budge. Instead, she tugs hard back at Ava’s grip, using Ava’s backwards momentum to pull her into a firm kiss, swallowing Ava’s gasp of surprise.
Ava scrambles into the bedroom, dragging Beatrice closely behind her. “I’m going to get dressed in the ensuite, you pick out what to wear! And no peeking!” With that, she’s grabbing at the bundle of clothing she had quickly set aside in the morning and stashed into a drawer before rushing into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.
She catches a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. Her face is flushed with excitement and her eyes are sparkling with mischief at the surprise she has in store for Beatrice tonight.
Quickly slipping on her emerald green dress, Ava then runs a brush through her hair and with a spritz of hairspray, her hair is complete. She sends a quick prayer of thanks to the Silva genes for her natural waves, currently exaggerated by a day spent swimming in the villa’s pool and tousled from the mountainside breeze.
Beatrice is huffing audibly from the bedroom, mumbling to herself. Ava catches a few words, “Doesn’t…occasion…dress code…no clothes.”
“Bea?”
There’s a pause followed by a wary “...Yes?”
“What’s wrong?”
With a wail Beatrice is whining out, “I don’t know what to wear! You haven’t told me anything and I didn’t bring that much with me.”
Ava blows out a breath inaudibly, casting a look up at the heavens. She’s convinced this Beatrice, whiny and stroppy, is reserved for her and her alone. Beatrice would never allow another person to witness a version of her that is less than polished or feel comfortable enough to show her petulant, childish side. She loves this version of Beatrice all the same, even if she does want to jokingly throttle this Beatrice at times.
“Beatrice. Baby. Please. Choose something a little dressy. Or anything you want. You look good in everything. You could look great in a toga. Actually, I know you would rock a toga. You proved that just this morning, you looked magnificent in nothing but our bed sheet.”
Ava’s phone vibrates with another text message.
[Dieci minuti.]
Shit . It’s almost here.
Ignoring the sounds of Beatrice’s indecision outside, Ava’s putting on her makeup with a practiced hand. Nothing too crazy, just enough to highlight features that she knows Beatrice likes to appreciate with her eyes. And then she’s done. Giving herself a quick once over in the mirror, she’s calling out, “I’m coming out now and going downstairs. Cover your eyes and no peeking!”
Waiting a beat, Ava pokes her head out around the door to check that Beatrice has indeed covered her eyes and is turned away from her before she slips by. She can’t resist the opportunity to kiss Beatrice on the cheek as she passes, nuzzling at the hand covering her eyes.
A smile crosses Beatrice’s face in response, “You smell good.”
Chancing a glance at the clothes laid out on the bed, Beatrice has narrowed her choices down to three outfits. Before Ava slips out the door into the hallway, she’s calling over her shoulder, “No looking out the window and do not come downstairs until I say so.”
There’s the beam of oncoming car headlights as she descends the steps, just as the final text message comes through on her phone.
[Signorina Forest, è arrivato il fattorino. Potrebbe aprire il cancello, per favore?]
Ava hurries to buzz them in.
She waits, still as a statue behind the entrance door, listening for the solid footsteps crunching up the gravel. She hears the thud of several heavy items being dropped onto the stoop before the footsteps crunch away again. It’s only once the sound of the departing car is far enough that she flings open the door.
What awaits on the stoop is a wooden wine crate containing a large bouquet of red carnations amongst other items, and several insulated baskets containing the five course fine dining meal she’s organised.
Time is of the essence now. She needs to quickly set everything up before any of the warm dishes get too cold.
Quickly pulling all the dishes out of the insulated baskets, she breathes a sigh of relief. The private chef has packed everything so well that the food hasn’t shifted in the drive over. There’s not a lopsided quenelle or a smudged schmear in sight. The mains go back into the insulated comfort of the baskets to keep warm while the dessert goes into the fridge.
Rifling through the wooden wine crate, Ava pulls out the candles and the box of rose petals that she’d specially requested. After scattering a handful of the rose petals across the dining table, she feels a bit perplexed as to what she’s meant to do with the remainder of the petals. She’s never had to do this before. Never had this done for her before. Her only experience with this kind of romantic dinner at home is through movies.
Then with a shrug, there’s not much to do other than to throw handfuls into the air in the hopes that they land artfully around the dining room and in a trail leading back to the base of the stairs.
Surveying the result, she wrinkles her nose and admits to herself that it all looks a bit cheesy and haphazard but as long as Beatrice enjoys it then that’s all that matters.
Ava hustles back into the kitchen, now setting up the platter of antipasti in the middle of the dining table amidst the cluster of candles on either side of the table and next to the two small vases of short stemmed arrangement of orange roses, pink and white baby’s breath.
The final touch is to create the mocktail to accompany their meal. She briefly imagines herself as a bartender in another life as she muddles the prepared mint, lime and sugar before topping the wine glass up with ice cubes and Cedrata, with a few sprigs of mint as a final garnish.
Ava casts a final critical eye over the dining table and the romantic atmosphere. By this point she’s definitely dithered long enough and has kept Beatrice waiting upstairs.
The dining table is now bathed by the light from the waning evening sun and the warm glow of the lit candles, casting parts of the room into shadow.
Gathering herself by the foot of the stairs, she calls out to Beatrice, “Bea? Are you ready?”
She hears Beatrice reply from inside the bedroom, “Yes.”
“Okay, you can come downstairs now.”
Surprisingly, Ava finds that her palms are oddly sweaty and she feels nervous as she waits. It truly does feel like she’s about to pick Beatrice up for a date with the aim of sweeping her off her feet and determined to make sure she falls head over heels in love with her.
(*)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, pa-pa-ba-da hope you're gonna
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, no, no, no, no, my love
You're gonna make it worth it
I just wanna tell you how I feel, ooh!
Beatrice appears at the top of the stairs now and Ava loses any train of coherent thought.
Beatrice has chosen to wear a deep blue spaghetti strap dress, the deep V of the bodice’s front panelling covers her but is revealing enough to not leave much to the imagination. It’s accentuated by a small cutout just below the decolletage to highlight the definition of Beatrice’s abdominal muscles. She’s chosen to pull her hair up into a twist, the length of her neck fully exposed. The dress fabric moves smoothly with Beatrice as she descends the stairs, Ava looking on awestruck.
And then Beatrice is stopping right in front of her, her own eyes slowly looking Ava up and down, a smile peeking through at the corner of her lips and causing her dimple to make an appearance. A shiver wracks through Ava’s body under the heat of Beatrice’s gaze.
If my body was a boat, could you steer that, sailor? (Mmh)
Make it feel like it's a 1960s Hollywood trailer (old-school, I like)
Classic like cars, classic like Elizabeth Taylor (Taylor, Taylor)
Need you to romance me, I need a giver, not a taker (ooh, it's what I need)
Beatrice says something to her.
Ava does not hear her.
Thankfully she blinks her way back into conscious thought just as Beatrice tries again, this time gesturing with her hand towards Ava’s back, “Is that for me?”
“Wh—What? Oh. Yes. Yes, these are for you,” Ava stumbles through her words, hurriedly pulling the bouquet of carnations out from behind her back and presenting them to Beatrice.
Their fingers brush as she hands the bouquet over, the hairs on the back of her neck stand up from the mere touch, the nerves of the evening heightening all her sensations. Then Beatrice is burying her face into the bouquet and inhaling deeply, a soft grin as she pronounces the scent as warm and spicy .
“Wow, Bea,” Ava exhales a long breath, “You’re so beautiful. I’m kind of at a loss for words to even describe how you look.”
Beatrice, having now looked up from the bouquet, bestows Ava with a crescent eyed smile before shifting her attention to the other decor, spotting the rose petals by their bare feet. “Ava? What’s all this? What are you doing?”
Feeling a bit sheepish in the moment, she feels herself shrug in reply. “I’m romancing you.” Ava reaches out to grasp Beatrice’s free hand, leading her towards the kitchen and dining table. “We haven’t had a chance to do something like this yet and I just wanted to plan a surprise for you.”
The look on Beatrice’s face as she takes in the decorated dining table, the ambient lighting, and the warm glow of the candles makes it all worth it. Worth the juggle to get all this organised and delivered amongst communication issues and the time constraints of the tour.
Ava hurries toward the table to pull out Beatrice’s chair for her, ushering her to sit. Beatrice does so but not before gently cradling Ava’s face in the palm of her hand and drawing her into a prolonged kiss.
They both regard each other as they separate, giggling as they wipe at the slightly smudged lipstick on each other’s face.
Beatrice leans in for one more peck before settling into her chair. “Darling, you didn’t have to go through all this trouble.”
Ava jokingly frowns at her in reply, “Yes, I did, Beatrice. Because I love you.”
Baby, bae, b-b-bae-b-b-baby, would you?
Would you make it all right?
Or maybe that much better?
If you wanted, you could make it all worth it, worth it, worth it, worth it
Ooh, when I see the sun rising, you make it that much better
So I hope you gonna make it all worth it, worth it, worth it, worth it
Cognisant of the bottomless pit that is her beloved’s stomach, Ava serves the two entrees of carpaccio and polpo to accompany the antipasti platter before sitting down opposite Beatrice.
“Just to let you know, I absolutely plan to play footsie beneath this table tonight.”
Rather than shy away, Beatrice meets her head on by raising her chin in challenge and wiggling her eyebrows as she declares, “Good. I welcome it.”
Ava feels herself fall just a tiny little bit more. A fleeting thought passes through her mind before she mentally bats it away for another day.
She can see herself spending the rest of her life looking at Beatrice .
Meanwhile, Beatrice is busying herself by slicing through the polpo and placing bites of everything onto Ava’s plate before serving herself.
The little moan that Beatrice emits at the first taste of the carpaccio with blood orange dressing and pickled fennel is positively sinful. Ava shifts uncomfortably in her seat in response. Beatrice, on the other hand, seems completely unaware of the effect on her, instead shimmying her shoulders about in her happy food dance.
“Stop being so cute! I’m trying to make you fall in love with me .”
With a small chuckle and a roll of her eyes, Beatrice sits back solidly into her chair, food abandoned. The candlelight catches the gleam of her eyes in the prettiest way. Ava leans forward, forever being pulled into Beatrice’s orbit.
This is the night (something 'bout it's making me cry)
My soul, it did decide (feel my body shiver in your moonlight)
And I need you to (let me have the time of my life)
Checked your credentials, South residentials
Ooh, baby boy girl*, you got so much potential
“Your smile alone could make someone fall in love with you.”
She feels her eyebrows lift, puzzled by Beatrice’s admission.
Beatrice takes a sip of her drink before answering Ava’s unspoken question. “The first time we met, I remember thinking your smile could make someone trip over themselves. And then, when you sang ‘ Aunque Es De Noche ’? I think I knew then that I was in trouble.”
Ava has to fight the urge to not squeal in shock at the first touch. Unexpected as it is, Beatrice has made the first move, her toes gently grazing Ava’s ankle before slowly trailing upward. She closes her eyes briefly, reminding herself to behave but can’t help but to lower her voice, fighting back a smile as she says, “You’re trouble tonight.”
Ava sends a responding foot out, nudging into Beatrice’s other leg, curling it behind her calf to pull it forward and then gently caressing it with the side of her foot.
“Oh? Are we playing footsie pea-knuckle?”
“What the heck is a pea-knuckle?”
Beatrice laughs loudly in response. “Sorry. A thumb war? It’s another name for it. A foot war in this case?”
“A war? I would have started the Trojan War for you.”
“You know it’s entirely possible that Helen did fall in love with Paris, right? Maybe she wasn’t abducted. Besides, I doubt Menelaus’ motivations were so pure. Several texts say that he just wanted to seize more power and conquer territories, and Helen was just an excuse.”
“No! I rebuke this interpretation. Menelaus went after Helen and started the Trojan War because he was desperately in love with her and was trying to rescue her from her abductor.”
“Agree to disagree.”
Ava squints at Beatrice in playful anger. “Regardless, I would fight a war for you Beatrice Young.”
Beatrice chortles in response. “I don’t doubt it.”
It’s when Ava gets up to clear the table and bring back the first of the mains, a slow braised beef rib, that Beatrice tilts her head in curiosity, a slightly confused look on her face. “Ava, is this a set menu from a restaurant?”
Ava picks up the water jug and leans forward to refill Beatrice’s cup before answering. “Not exactly. Have you liked the food so far?”
If anything Beatrice looks even more confused by her reply. “I’ve loved everything we’ve had so far. But there’s just been some flavour combinations that I wouldn’t normally associate with Italian cuisine?” The rising inflection as Beatrice speaks further illustrates her confusion.
“I had it specially curated for your tastes. The private chef asked if we had any preferences and then provided a selection for me to pick from based on what I said you liked to eat.”
Beatrice’s eyelashes blink rapidly for a few seconds, seemingly unsure of how to reply before she’s grasping at Ava’s hand, turning her wrist to face upwards before placing a lingering kiss on her pulse point. “Thank you, my love.”
Something like a dream, babe
Somehow, I'm so captured by you
I'm rearranging all of my plans
And I'm holding my breath
As I hope you make it worth it
Their night continues to unfurl in this fashion, the two flirting back and forth over their food. Eyes crinkling in delight at sharing this moment, just between the two of them, completely at ease and helplessly in love.
“Ava…”
“Yes?”
“Your birthday is coming up in a few days. Is there anything in particular you wanted to do to celebrate?”
“No, just being with you. Here. It's enough.”
“Charmer.”
“Only for you.”
It’s by the third moan that Beatrice lets out over dinner, this time in response to the ravioli, that Ava has the sneaking suspicion that they’ve all been well timed and deliberate. She’s almost certain that Beatrice is trying to get her to crack. There’s a smirk playing at Beatrice’s lips as she stares back at her. Widening her eyes innocently. “What?”
“You are evil,” Ava says sotto voce.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. But also, did you look at yourself in that dress? If anyone’s evil here, it is most definitely you Ava Silva.”
“Say my name again.”
“Ava Silva.”
“Again.”
“Ava.”
“Have I ever told you how good my name sounds on your lips?”
Crap . That was the wrong thing to say.
She’s supposed to be behaving herself and giving Beatrice the best fucking date of her life. And there’s still dessert to get through.
She almost weeps at the thought. “Dessert?”
Beatrice shakes her head slowly. “Not yet. I just want to look at you a little longer and savour the moment.”
Okay. This is good. That’s a good response. She can work with that. She can get them back onto steady non-horny ground .
“Have I told you how incredible you look tonight? In that dress? I keep feeling like I need to pinch myself to check I’m not dreaming.” In retrospect, Ava really should have known that Beatrice had been up to no good the moment she had left her alone upstairs.
The smile Beatrice gives her is devilish, just before she opens her mouth and delivers the most devastating sentence ever with those perfect red lips, “I’m glad. Since I only bought this dress so you could take it off.”
Fuck .
Ava whimpers in reply. She can’t even find it in herself to be embarrassed by it either.
She makes one more half-hearted attempt at keeping the evening on the romantic train track, eyes imploring as she asks, “Pl—Please Bea,” embarrassingly, her voice cracks, “Do you want any of the dessert?”
Beatrice is shaking her head again, “Maybe later. Dessert is not the only thing I am planning on savouring slowly tonight.”
Ava is not a strong person. She is not God’s strongest warrior. Let it be known that she doubts even a celibate nun could fight the temptation of Beatrice in this dress and not pray for absolution. So really, who can blame her when Ava sinks to her knees and crawls under the table towards Beatrice?
Ava blames Beatrice for her immobilisation when she slides a hand up her thigh, followed by her very eager mouth, only to discover that Beatrice does not have any underwear on.
This is the night (this is the night)
My soul, it did decide (worth it)
And I need you to (I need you to)
I'm all in, I can't reverse it
So I hope and pray you make it worth it
The banister rattles, the entire railing shakes with the sheer force of the impact as Ava’s back meets it. The pain only lasts momentarily, quickly superseded by other feelings that are overwhelming her. They’re already gasping for breath, hurriedly sucking in short puffs of air, reluctant to interrupt their incessant need to kiss.
Their mouths coming together over and over again. Her gut is working overtime as it reacts to the way her body is being shuffled around, bouncing at a hectic rate that she no longer cares to control. That all consuming pull is building deep beneath her belly and she’s about to grab the hand gripping her ass and put it where it should be instead.
Ava doubts Beatrice even registers how rough she is being, which in itself is unusual and a huge turn on. Beatrice too caught up with keeping Ava as still as possible so that she can have her way with her, her hand bruising in its grip, traversing a well traveled path. She’s minutely aware that her body is being lifted by Beatrice’s strength alone. One of her hands comes out to grip the banister in an effort to assist but it’s not needed. Beatrice loops both arms underneath her butt, scooping her up in one fluid and swift move.
“Bed—get to bed. Bedroo—” Beatrice says out of breath and into her mouth, “My neck—Ava my—”
“Mmhmm—yeah,” she doesn’t have to be told twice, her arms wrap around Beatrice at the same time she’s being bounced up and re-adjusted in place, Beatrice’s arms seeking a tighter grip.
Beatrice doesn’t hesitate, she’s immediately on the move, climbing up the stairs as if the floor is quickly filling with lava and the bedroom upstairs is their only salvation. Ava can’t even focus on what’s happening, her mind is too busy throwing a small party inside her head. Beatrice has remembered her fantasy of having a The Notebook moment.
The panting by her ear is doing delicious things to her as Beatrice continues to climb the steps to their destination. It all appears easy from where she is, but there’s a small bead of sweat by her girlfriend’s temple, a sign that this is quite possibly more difficult than it appears.
Ava’s slammed into the first wall in sight once they make it upstairs, the result of Beatrice going over the final step with too much momentum. And Ava’s sure she’s knocked her head into the wall, but it doesn’t even matter. She’s far too busy, happily gripping at biceps and admiring the muscles which are now stone hard and burning from the exertion. There’s a thigh between her legs, meant to be keeping her up, but between the heat between her legs and the hard muscle underneath, she can’t find it in herself to stop from grinding against it.
She barely manages to partially undo Beatrice’s bun before she’s being lifted up again, the force careening them back into the wall. She pulls at Beatrice’s jaw, hard. Their lips meeting in a bruising kiss. Then, Beatrice is on the move again, one hand in front of her as she maneuvers them into the bedroom, the other nice and snug under her butt.
In a matter of seconds they’re no longer upright and Beatrice’s weight lands on top of her body fully, but they don’t stop. Lips barely detaching. She’s reaching down to pull Beatrice’s dress off. She needs to touch, she needs to feel Beatrice’s warmth against her.
Beatrice pulls back abruptly, out of her reach. Her pupils are blown, hair messy and still in a half bun. Betrice’s chest is rising and falling erratically as she admires what’s in front of her.
Ava sits up, hands running along Beatrice’s sweat coated thighs to grip at the ends of the dress, but before she can tug it upwards, hands stop her.
“Not yet,” Beatrice commands, pushing against Ava’s shoulders, lowering her back down onto the bed.
And she doesn’t have the vocal ability right now to fight against it. But when she does find it in herself to nod, Beatrice slips her two hands under Ava’s dress, pushing it upwards and easing her underwear down before pulling it off. Leaving Ava completely exposed from waist down.
Her breath hitches. “What are you—” the words die in her mouth.
Beatrice comes close, straddling one of her thighs momentarily while rucking her dress up and aside before lowering herself. When their bodies meet Ava’s mind actually malfunctions, taking a few seconds to adjust and actually recognise what is happening. How Beatrice has placed her body—their bodies to do. It all comes to her quickly then, as Beatrice jerks once sending small trembles through her body. The heat that she has already been feeling intensifying with the new addition.
Beatrice grips both her thighs, finding a rhythm, moving back and forth until it’s everything Ava has ever wanted to experience between them and more. She’s moving now too, eagerly matching Beatrice, watching as the ragged breathing starts. The sounds along with every other sensation making her dizzy and scatterbrained.
Ava’s tightening her abdomen as if doing a crunch to reach upwards for Beatrice’s dress again.
“No,” Beatrice rasps out, keeping their pace, hands clenching tighter around her thighs.
“I want to touch you.”
Beatrice closes her eyes briefly, concentrating on the rhythm. “You can touch me.”
Ava’s hand makes its way underneath Beatrice’s dress, running along her thigh first before splaying out on Beatrice’s stomach, feeling the muscles contract and relax in tandem. The hand doesn’t stay there long, curiosity winning over as it trails back down, fitting its way between them.
Beatrice bites back a moan as eager fingers interrupt their grinding, the pace coming down to a halt. “Stop. That’s not what I want.”
The reply, a low rumble that escapes her throat, “What do you want?”
“I want you to lie back down and enjoy it,” Beatrice breathes out, her body erupting into shivers at the wanton thought.
Beatrice begins the cadence again, pulling Ava’s slick hand away and placing it on her thigh, but Ava much prefers to slide it just a few centimetres higher, squeezing at Beatrice’s ass instead.
As Ava lies back down, the first few signs of her girlfriend being close begins to make their presence known. It starts as the frequency of Beatrice’s thrusting increases, the unsatiated urgency revealing itself. When she looks up, Beatrice’s lips are pressed tight, chest blossoming red, the colour spreading up her neck and meeting her gorgeous freckled cheeks. Eyes meeting Ava’s own. And that’s it, that’s the tipping point for her because she’s growing frantic for release as well.
“Bea—I’m—” she stutters.
Beatrice doesn’t acknowledge her words, the hands on her thighs squeezing impossibly tighter, it’s sure to leave a mark, the pain from the grip adding to the overall experience. In the fog of her one track mind, Ava realises that she too can pull Beatrice closer via the hand already on her girlfriend’s ass. She palms both buttcheeks now, digging her fingers in.
Ava can’t manage to keep her eyes open as the pulsing in her ears mutates into ringing, the pressure bursting through her like a cresting wave. She doesn’t hear herself moan, but can feel the after effects of it in her throat. As she dissolves into pleasure and rides out the last of her orgasm a whimpered moan leaves Beatrice’s lips, hips continuing to move back and forth for some time. Ava waits it out along with Beatrice, deliberately slowing their pace until the last of the shocks finish. Beatrice has that look though as she stills, a clear indication that she wants to be held, so Ava sits up and takes her in her arms until Beatrice is ready to let go.
She moves the sweaty strands of hair off Beatrice’s forehead, finally releasing the last vestiges of hair from its bun, sending the loose waves falling down and around Beatrice’s shoulders. Ava presses a kiss under Beatrice’s jaw, nuzzling slowly until she reaches the earlobe, sucking it into her mouth before asking permission, “Now can I take your dress off?”
At Beatrice’s answering nod, she unzips the back of the dress, easing Beatrice out of it and dropping the material onto the floor. She quickly wiggles out of her own dress, joining Beatrice’s on the floor.
It’s only after several rounds later, interspersed by a hurried venture downstairs while butt naked to retrieve their desserts to eat in bed, that Ava finally asks, “Bea? What would you have done if we had gone out for dinner instead and you had no underwear on?”
—
There’s a delicious burn to Beatrice’s muscles. Evidence of a nice and thorough full body workout.
It also helps that the view is nothing short of breathtaking.
Paddleboarding in the middle of Lake Como? Highly recommended.
But now the prickle of heat is starting to burn against her skin, a combination of the sun’s rays and its reflection off the waters of the lake. Beatrice has been paddling around for well over an hour at this point, a rumble of her tummy is nigh and she should be turning back now.
Ava had elected to stay behind on the boat, emphatically stating that she was on holiday for a good time and to work on her tan. She has had enough of any strenuous outdoor physical activities that did not include sex, thank you very much, and would be unequivocally rejecting any and all suggestions of the sort from Beatrice.
Ava must have been keeping an eye out for her return because once she’s in sight of the boat, Ava’s head shielded by Beatrice’s own sunhat, is bobbing up from the starboard side. When Beatrice gets close, Ava is clambering over to the stern of the boat to steady her and help her off the paddleboard, before quickly disappearing below deck.
“Come eat lunch! I already cut the watermelon.”
—
Beatrice bounces on one foot again, right ear turned downward in the direction of the floor. The thud when she lands makes the wood shake underneath. The stupid water won’t budge no matter how many times she jumps in what has turned out to be a pathetic attempt at removing it from her ear canal. It’s been hours too. Hours of that uncomfortable feeling of something stuck but not. She tries again, this time landing with a lot more force than before.
“What are you doing in there?” Ava enquires from the adjoining room, in bed with ‘ their’ Kindle. It may have been a mistake on Beatrice’s part to share it with Ava because her girlfriend has been picky about every book she has suggested so far. Who is to say she hasn’t opened a few and totally messed with her carefully organised reading flow. “If it’s a spider you’re on your own.”
Beatrice steps out of the bathroom, continuing to shake her head to the right side. “It’s my ear. I’ve had water in it since we got back from the boat.”
Ava slips off the bed before standing, taking Beatrice’s head in her hands, twisting it to have a closer look at the ear. “Even after the shower?”
“Yes. It doesn’t seem to want to come out.”
“One second,” Ava says, releasing her before going inside the ensuite. She’s looking through her toiletries bag in search of something. A few Q-tips are procured seconds later, Ava wiggling them in a victory dance type of way.
“No.”
“What do you mean ‘no’?”
Beatrice backs up, hands raised in front of her, “It is not recommended by healthcare professionals.” When that doesn’t satisfy Ava she continues, “You run the risk of perforating your ear drum!”
“Not recommended—Beatrice there’s water in your ear! There’s been water in your ear for hours, that can cause an infection.” Ava’s advancing towards her now, resolute in exactly what is about to transpire between them.
Beatrice has been corralled by Ava before and knows her girlfriend can be formidable and imposing when need be. There have been instances of pure fear but also moments where she herself has encouraged other things to take place afterwards. Ava will get her way one way or another, but Beatrice can at least delay the inevitable.
She swerves left, but Ava knows, can smell it like a deeply skilled apex predator, accurately herding her towards the closed balcony doors and a potential ear subjugation. It’s an impasse. Beatrice needs to act fast if she is to get away. “Have I told you how much I love you, Ava Silva?”
Her eyes must betray her intention to run out of the bedroom and down the stairs because Ava laughs like the tyrant that she is before turning around to close and lock the door behind her.
“Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve heard you say it today. Not even once.”
“I love you.”
Ava cocks an eyebrow, walking towards her undeterred, “I’ll be careful. Please? Just sit down, I don't want to tackle you, but I will. You know how strong I can be.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“You have to keep your finger at least 1 cm from the tip,” she says sitting on the edge of the bed.
Ava nods, urging her to move back more before straddling her lap in an impressive yet effective hold. Beatrice did not account for being restrained, how is she meant to wiggle around like the helpless prey she is now?
“Just keep still, will you?”
She breathes in, hands attaching themselves to Ava’s sides, keeping her as fixed in place as possible.
The Q-tip goes in and Ava turns it carefully. The sensation tickles, sending small waves of pleasure into Beatrice’s brain and she almost almost lets herself forget how dangerous this has the potential to be. After a few seconds the cotton swab comes out and the ear immediately feels a lot better.
“That did help.”
“See? You’re such a big baby,” Ava teases, kissing Beatrice’s cheek before getting off her.
Ava switches off the lights as she comes back to bed, clambering over Beatrice to nestle herself between her and the wall. Everything is quiet while Ava shuffles about, adjusting herself into a comfortable position. They face each other, perfectly content to just lie there mere centimetres from the other, breaths mixing between them.
“Don’t go to sleep yet,” Ava murmurs right as Beatrice’s eyes begin to droop close. It’s hard to fight sleep when everything feels warm, comfortable and blissful. The exhaustion from the day’s activities on the lake finally catching up to her. Ava comes closer, lips just grazing her own, “Don’t sleep…don’t sleep…don’t sleep.”
“Mmm?”
“Tell me a secret,” Ava whispers into her ear.
“What kind of secret?” she replies matching Ava’s hushed tone. Eyes blink open in a concerted effort to stay awake, focusing on the tip of Ava’s ear just poking out from under her short locks.
“Anything you want to share.” Ava doesn’t rush her. She waits patiently, chest rising and falling steadily, a rhythm that in itself threatens to lull Beatrice back to sleep.
And it’s this moment, lying here beside Ava, enveloped in the stillness of their quiet night with her heart full and overflowing after a few blissful days together, that makes Beatrice bold enough to say, “I think I’m homesick.” A crease immediately takes over Ava’s forehead, worry etching its way onto her features as she closely watches Beatrice, prompting her to continue without further delay, “You know how being home makes you feel safe and comfortable? I’m talking about that sensation I guess—that yearning to be home. To lie down with a warm blanket and eat your favourite foods.”
“Añoranza.” Ava raises herself from their sideways position, crossing her legs underneath her.
“What does that mean?” Beatrice is up now too, scooting closer to Ava and eyes searching her face—for what, she doesn’t know. The drowsiness from before slipping away at the opportunity for a conversation that doesn’t revolve around something silly or avoidant.
“In simple terms it means ‘yearning’, but poetically it can mean visiting old memories, especially those that bring you comfort.” Ava stops to contemplate her next words, hand coming to rest on top of Beatrice’s upturned one, “Memories can be a home, for example.”
“You.”
That causes Ava to stop running her fingers along her palm, tilting her head, “Me?”
“When you’re not beside me I feel homesick.”
“Oh.” The acknowledgment barely above a whisper.
“I’ve never felt this way before,” Beatrice ventures, entangling their fingers and squeezing to punctuate her words with a confidence she’s not quite sure that she feels, “I hope it’s okay, that I told you.”
There’s a struggle while Ava tries to catch her breath, voice uneven, “Yeah—yes. I’m happy you told me. I also feel that way, or I think I do. I’m—” Ava hesitates, clearly thinking about what to say next or to not say at all.
Internally Beatrice waits with bated breath, now familiar with the way Ava always withdraws whenever the subject strays too far into the future. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I'm just struggling to put my thoughts into words at the moment.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She wants to heave out a sigh. To make some or even just any kind of physical manifestation to release the way she’s feeling inside at Ava’s lack of understanding or Ava’s repeated evasion of her feelings. Their feelings.
“No! I want to,” Ava is quick to reply, “Just give me a second.”
“Take your time.”
“I—” Ava huffs out uncharacteristically, at a loss for words. Beatrice can see that this, this moment, this vocalisation of her thoughts, is probably a lot more difficult for Ava than she first thought. Ava nods, more to herself than anything else, preparing herself for what she’s about to say. “I don’t remember ever wanting this,” she motions between them with her free hand, “Wanting this kind of relationship. No. That’s not right. I’ve never even contemplated this. But then you happened. And seeing you now, sitting here with you, every day that passes with you by my side, it makes me want to—that after all these years it makes me want to dream of something more. More than what I have always known. More than what I’ve ever dared to hope for.”
“Just dream?” she asks hesitantly.
“No. Not just dream. Think,” Ava stammers out,” I think of you, Beatrice. I think of a future with you.”
“I—”
The sound of the gates opening outside alert them.
“Was that the—” Ava cocks her head, listening closely.
The crunching sound of gravel travels up to them as a car speeds up the driveway.
The words that she was about to say die at the tip of her tongue as a pounding sound from downstairs reverberates up into the quiet of their room. Someone is hammering at the entry door.
Both of them flinch at the harsh sound, eyes wide, minds racing at what would warrant such a distressing noise. It’s not lost on them how forbidding a disturbance like this is in the middle of the night.
She’s up and moving before Ava tries to stop her. Turning back to Ava before reaching the closed bedroom door, “Where are our phones?”
“Yours is downstairs I think. Mine is dead,” Ava replies, the rise and fall of her chest quickening with each second that passes. Ava’s pupils dilated in fear. The pounding starts again. “How could anyone have gotten through the gates? No one else has the code other than the—” she swallows, throwing the blanket to the side before standing and getting up to join Beatrice.
“I’m going down. Stay here.” Beatrice is pulling open the bedroom door now, exiting into the hallway and leaving the door ajar behind her.
“No. Beatrice, I don’t want you to go alone. Bea—”
The pounding continues.
Whoever is behind the front door is insistent. Beatrice quickly creeps down the stairs, wooden treads creaking beneath her feet. The familiar sound of an idling car engine in the driveway stills her nerves long enough to give her fortitude to reach out a hand to the door, intending to face whoever it is on the other side.
“Beatrice! Do not open the door!” Ava yells from the top of the stairs, agitation and fear evident in her voice.
“Beatrice!”
She knows that voice. Can recognise the commanding tone. Has been at the end of it several times. It’s Emilia. But she’s calling out for her, not Ava.
“Beatrice!”
On autopilot now, Beatrice’s hand reaches for the lock, undoing the bolt. It sends Ava into an immediate state of panic, feet thundering down the steps towards her. Beatrice swings her body back towards Ava, hoping to calm her, “It’s Emilia. It’s—”
The door abruptly opens without any action on Beatrice’s part and slams closed just as quickly.
Ava stops halfway down the steps relieved, but only for a moment. In the matter of a few seconds, her face traverses through several emotions, vast and fully discernable, culminating at an all encompassing terror.
“You were photographed together.” Emilia’s words land in the room.
Beatrice feels her breath whoosh out of her, watches Ava mirror the same action, her body understands and reacts before her mind has even caught up.
Emilia’s tone is careful, an attempt at calm, a calm she clearly does not feel as she looks at Ava, face hard-lined but also showing visible signs of unease.
Something settles in the pit of Beatrice’s stomach and all at once she feels sick, the panic lancing through her like a speeding train on a collision course. There’s a cold sweat racing its way up her neck and through her chest. She wants to throw up. No. She needs to throw up.
“It’s unclear whether they have pictures that show Ava’s face, but from what Suzanne has sent through, it’s clear that it is you, Beatrice. On the boat. Kissing someone. They must have had lenses. They’re going to publish whether Suzanne reaches out or not. It’s probably already out.”
No one dares breathe in the silence that follows, stretching to concerning levels.
Ava stands stock still on the stairs, her muscles locked into place.
And if Beatrice is finding it difficult to breathe through her emotions then Ava can barely draw a breath.
Suddenly, Ava jerks into motion. She’s on the move. Racing back up the stairs without sparing them another glance.
Beatrice’s instinct is to follow. Ava needs her. In this moment, Ava’s needs must come first so she must swallow whatever panic induced vomit is clawing up her innards and fight her instinct to withdraw into herself and be by Ava’s side.
As she starts to move, placing a shaky hand onto the banister, Emilia grabs at her wrist, stilling her ascent, “I need you to be sensible.”
Why does everyone always ask that of her? As if she needs to be the one who constantly puts sense into everything she does. She can be unreasonable. She doesn’t need to constantly please the world. Breaking little pieces, giving too much of herself away. She doesn’t have to be sensible. Sensible is staying down here and taking charge of the situation. What Beatrice wants is to be upstairs with her girlfriend. A girlfriend who is probably having a nervous breakdown.
“Beatrice, you need to be sensible,” Emilia reiterates, the hand around her wrist clenching tighter. “Stay here for now. If you go up right now Ava will lash out. She can find it hard to control her emotions during heightened moments. She might say something to you that she doesn’t mean.” It comes from a place of care and from Emilia’s own experiences Beatrice knows, but Ava actively trying to hurt her, it has not been a part of their relationship nor can she ever see Ava doing that to her.
“You said the pictures were of me? On the boat? What about—”
“You’re blocking Ava in the pictures you’re together. They’re obviously aware that someone else was there with you. It’s clear you’re kissing someone but they don’t want to point any fingers without proof. It seems Ava was able to stay out of sight for the most part.”
“Emilia. Please let go of my arm,” Beatrice articulates every syllable clearly, “I’m going to go be with Ava. I presume Suzanne is also on her way?”
Emilia nods before releasing her. “Do you need to see the photos?”
“No.”
As she slowly walks up the stairs, a retreat of her descent from only a few minutes ago yet it now feels like a lifetime ago. She dreads what she might find when she reaches Ava. Her mind, a non-stop barrage of questions. Do they know it’s Ava? Could they figure it out given enough time? Are they wasting time already by not addressing it? Suzanne must be on top of it if she’s on her way. Maybe they can salvage this. Then, the questions turn towards her culpability. Was it her fault? Did she cause this? She desperately wanted this vacation with Ava. She was the one that pressured Ava to agree to this, a holiday in daylight, when all Ava wanted to do was hunker down in one of their apartments.
The sight that greets her when she arrives at the doorway is of Ava hastily pulling stuff out of their bags, rifling through them in search of something. Her movements jerky and a tremble visible in her hands. Her short hair is disheveled and sticking out at odd angles, Ava running panicked fingers through it in repeated attempts to tame it even as she squats to rummage through the bedside drawer.
Ava is completely quiet apart from the sounds of her movements as she continues to search for whatever it is that she is looking for.
She shouldn’t have brought them here.
She had ignored the possible consequences in favour of her own selfish wants and now it was time to face the music.
The bedside drawer slams closed startling Beatrice back to the scene in front of her. Ava sits on the edge of the bed, hands still trembling without pause as she holds the phone’s charging cord to her phone, unable to fit it in place. Beatrice steps into the room, legs maneuvering her forward, her body deciding for her. Beatrice’s hands enclose Ava’s as she lowers herself down onto the floor in front of her, holding Ava’s hands steady as she helps Ava plug in the phone.
They sit there in silence, staring at the dark screen of the dead phone.
Silence reigns as Ava continues to stare, eyes fixated on the screen as the phone boots up, its bright logo casting sharp angles on her features, illuminating the lines of worry and fear, and the hugeness of her eyes. It doesn’t take long for the phone to start loading its apps but it feels like an eternity as Ava chews her thumb in anticipation, the skin coming back raw and wet as her attention returns to the device. Her fingers flitting about quickly, Ava taps and scrolls, eyes darting back and forth reading through what Beatrice assumes is multiple news outlets and social media apps. Ava’s face falling deeper and deeper into a state of hopelessness.
“They know,” Ava says quietly.
Beatrice shakes her head helplessly from where she sits, hands running up and down Ava’s bare legs soothingly, “No. Ava. They don’t know.”
“How—how could you say that, Beatrice?” Ava responds, voice breaking as she raises her head to peer at Beatrice, “Anyone with eyes can put it together.”
Without waiting for a response, Ava breaks their eye contact, dropping her head down to continue looking at her phone.
“Would that be so bad?” At that, Ava immediately lifts her gaze, looking back at her incredulously. She can start to make out the pool of tears beginning to emerge from the corners of Ava’s eyes. “Maybe now that it’s out there we can just, I don’t know… stop hiding? I know that this isn’t the way we wanted to handle things, but at least now we can actually—”
“No,” Ava blurts out.
“No?”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“You know I can’t.”
“No…,” Beatrice begins uneasily, “I don’t know that you can’t.” Her eyes beseeching, and searching Ava’s for a sign. “Ava, what do you mean you can’t?”
“I can’t. Not now. Not right now. Not like this. I’m not prepared. This is all happening too soon,” the words tumble out of Ava’s mouth in a gasp, “I haven’t even fully thought about the repercussions or the damage it will cause my career. The amount of scrutiny I’ll be under.”
A pit of something begins to burrow its way into Beatrice’s stomach. Something hard and thorny. “But you must have known that this was a possibility, that you considered it at times? That there was a chance we could be found out? Spotted? We’ve been careful, but Ava, that never meant that this… hiding, hiding us , could continue forever. Sooner or later we would have needed to make a decision. I’ve—I've allowed this to go on thinking once our lives were calmer, once you had finished your tour, that you would eventually think of us and think seriously about us, how we would fit into your career.”
Ava’s face is hard. The set of her lips, a grim line. “This is not an easy decision. You can’t ask me to make a decision that will irreparably affect my career like this. You can’t back me into a corner and demand a decision.”
“No one is backing you into a corner.”
“You’re pushing me into it. You’re doing it right now.”
“Ava…that’s not—” she wants to laugh maniacally because this is absurd. How is this moment happening? The two of them not understanding each other isn’t new, but this—they don’t seem to be on the same page, they’re not even in-tune with one another. “I’m not pushing you into a corner Ava, you have done that yourself.”
“I’ve been careful. I just wanted us to—”
“You hid me. You continue to hide me. That’s not being careful, that’s being hurtful.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Beatrice.”
“But you have . Whether you meant to or not doesn’t matter because every time you pulled your hand away, every time you walked just a few paces from me, and every time you stopped us from seeing each other you hurt me. I don’t think you have any idea what it felt like when I asked to come be with you on tour and you rejected it outright. You didn’t even discuss it. I almost wish you had just slapped me. Maybe it would have hurt less.”
Ava’s shoulders droop, head following in shame. “I’m sorry.”
“Ava. That’s not—my feelings about all that’s happened during the past months are not important right now. What is important is how we handle things going forward. I assume Emilia is here because she needs to know what you—what we want to do about this and Suzanne will soon be here for the same thing. We need to know how to proceed.”
She stands from her spot next to Ava. They need space. They both need to breathe and they both need a moment to think.
Hand clenching hard on the balcony door handle—the indent of the handle against her hand almost a welcome relief, the bite of a physical pain to ground her—Beatrice makes the decision to open it slightly, letting the cool night breeze seep into the room.
Ava has brought her knees up onto the bed, burrowing her head into them, shoulders shaking as she wraps her arms around her legs.
The whine of another car engine roars up the driveway, followed shortly by the opening of the front door and Beatrice can hear the distinct tone of Suzanne’s voice as she speaks with Emilia.
Ava must hear it as well because a wet snort escapes her nose, arms tightening further around herself.
Beatrice cannot let Ava lose herself in her mind. She’s aware of the crevices in there, of what Ava will find if given the opportunity to linger. She takes a few hesitant steps back to her girlfriend, lowering herself in front of her again. Ava’s legs come loose under her touch, settling on each side.
When Ava looks up her face is splotchy, the red colour spreading from her eyes, to her nose and down to her neck. Her sniffles are wet as tears continue to run in rivulets down her cheeks. Beatrice brings her hands up, wiping underneath Ava’s eyes and pinching her thumb under the runny nose.
“I should have listened to you,” Ava starts, her voice rough from the crying, hanging her head again, “In New York. You were right.” Her breathing is laboured as she struggles to breathe around her cries.
“New York was a long time ago, I said things I shouldn’t—”
“I don’t want to resent you, Beatrice.” Ava lifts her head to look straight into her eyes, biting hard at her lip as she does so, “I don’t want us to end up resenting each other.”
Their eyes are wildly roving back and forth. Trying to understand. Trying to communicate without words.
“What does that even mean?” Beatrice asks, hand coming up to clasp at Ava’s hand, it shakes in her grip. Her fingers work quickly to soothe the nerves in any way she can.
“I should have respected your wishes. You knew how difficult this would be for the both of us. You warned me. And I just— I just didn’t want to hear it.” Ava laughs, but it dies as quickly as it begins, tone brittle and bordering on annoyed. Annoyed at who though? Beatrice? Herself? “I pushed you. I pushed this relationship onto you without thinking things through and now it’s too late.”
“You didn’t—I pushed just as much as you did. I wanted it too. I’m also to blame.”
“Maybe we’re just delaying the inevitable.”
“Ava, please. What are you saying?” A plaintive plea in her voice. Beatrice doesn’t even know what she’s pleading for. Pleading against.
“I just don’t see a way in which this. Us. Doesn’t impact my career. Everything I have worked for, everything I’ve worked so hard for, has the potential to be taken from me––”
Beatrice interjects before Ava can spiral further, “But it won’t be taken from you, Ava. It’s not all or nothing. Look at me and Mary. We’re out, our label is okay with it and so are our fans. You’ll be okay. You won’t lose—”
“No. No,” Ava is furiously shaking her head in response. “No, Beatrice. You saw what they said in response to the MV. You and Mary planned this from the start. That’s…that’s not how I’ve built up my career. I have given up too much of myself to lose it all now. My team and I have come too far to lose it all. This all hangs on people wanting me, my label—the contracts—people wanting to buy my music, my image. I just can’t.”
There’s a significant uptick in Beatrice’s heart rate, as if it knows something she herself doesn’t. That hard and thorny object in her is growing exponentially now, it feels like it's ripping her asunder from the inside. The cooling sensation of blood coating her from within. “What are you doing? Why are you saying it like that, like you’re about to—”
Ava’s breaths are impossibly shallow now, “We can’t keep seeing each other. We need to stop. We can’t. I can’t continue to risk my career,” it’s alarming to witness the gasps of air that Ava’s struggling to force in, a wheeze straining her voice as she struggles to speak and breathe in at the same time, “I’ve already caused enough harm. The flying back and forth trying to keep our relationship afloat. Coming to you and postponing tour dates. The hell I’ve faced from the label. I’ve had to apologize to label heads and fans because of my actions.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“I’m ending this before we grow to hate each other.”
“You’re breaking up with me.” Her words sound hollow in her ears, a strange calmness to them. It doesn’t even feel like she’s the one saying them.
Ava is looking at everything but her, as if meeting her eyes will solidify what she has just said. “I’m letting you go. Before you hate me. I can’t make you happy. I can’t give you what you want. You know it but you don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want to keep hurting you because of my career.”
Beatrice breathes in, calming herself, grounding herself. She won’t. She won’t allow herself to cry. She shoves down the anger that is threatening to rise up and rear its ugly head. Anger at the way that Ava isn’t even willing to fight for this. For them. Anger at the reality of their lives and their chosen paths. Is there even a point in arguing against it? There’s truth in what Ava has said. They should have spoken about this sooner. They should have been more proactive. She shouldn’t have been so careless with herself. Shouldn’t have been so careless with them.
Beatrice’s free hand comes to her forehead, rubbing it in the hopes that it can ease the tension there. Ava’s other hand comes to grip it, pulling her away from her thoughts as well. “Beatrice, look at me,” Ava’s voice is firm, she clears her throat when their eyes meet, “I love you.”
She shakes her head and attempts to pull away, tugging hard at Ava’s grip but Ava has a solid hold on both her hands, unwilling to put any distance between them. Beatrice swallows hard, the lump in her throat growing bigger and bigger as time passes.
“Beatrice,” Ava’s voice shakes.
“I love you,” she says finally and Ava exhales, releasing their hands.
They observe each other for a while, or at least long enough for the sting in her eyes to finally give way to tears, but when they come out they’re silent, resigned to what has just occurred. And just like hers had done before, Ava’s hands come to her face, wiping away the tears as they spill out, fingers lingering by her cheeks.
Ava lowers her head down, nose nudging close to Beatrice’s own, asking without having to say anything at all. All Beatrice needs to do is lean and they’re kissing, mouths coming together in a desperate attempt to hold on to something. She can taste the salt on Ava’s lips and can feel how warm her cheeks are from crying. She can hear the way they both struggle to breathe through the snot in their noses. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t need to be. They’re feeling too much right now. The impending confirmation once they separate is too great for them to comprehend, a goodbye neither of them are ready for.
They pull away from each other at the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.
Beatrice stands, putting distance between them. Pushing down a new thought, it wasn’t enough…it wasn’t enough… I wasn’t enough . As she wipes at her tears, pressing her palms firmly against her eye sockets to staunch the flow, Emilia and Suzanne come into view in the hallway.
Ava stands too, grabbing her phone and unplugging it before going into the ensuite and closing the door behind her.
“Beatrice,” Suzanne greets from the doorway, “I apologise for showing up like this but I need to know how you would like me to navigate this.”
She offers what must be a tremulous greeting, a simple gesture of her hand in something resembling a wave. “I’m going to pack my bags and meet you downstairs.”
Suzanne nods and turns to leave.
Emilia does not follow.
“Ava?” Emilia knocks at the bathroom door, but it goes unanswered.
Emilia’s eyes watch her hesitantly as she folds the clothing she brought with her into the duffle. Gathering up the few pieces that Ava had thrown about in her search for the phone cable. There’s no hesitation when she strips off her pajama shorts, quickly replacing them with jeans, and throwing a hoodie over the sleep shirt.
As she grabs her satchel, placing in the last bit of her things, her hands touch a small velvet box at the bottom. Beatrice hesitates, fingers curling around it, feeling the material and fighting back the buildup of tears again. She pulls the box out, not allowing herself a glance as she deposits it on top of the bed. Emilia’s eyes follow her movement, but no words are exchanged.
The sooner she can leave this room, this villa, the sooner she can start to handle the situation.
But there’s something Beatrice must do first.
“Emilia. I would like to apologise for any setbacks I’ve caused. Please know that it wasn’t my intention to derail Ava’s career with my own—” Emilia does something so unexpected that it takes several seconds to register that she has been pulled into a hug, “...issues.”
“I don’t want you to think for a second that you have been an inconvenience to Ava or myself. Please. I want to thank you. I don’t think I could express to you how at ease I have felt since you came into Ava’s life. You’ve offered her something wonderful.” Emilia’s swallowing hard, it seems like she’s searching for her next words, her voice shaking as she says, “I’ve—I haven’t seen Ava so happy, so free, so known in so long. Maybe not since—since…” Emilia clears her throat, gaze falling to the floor, gathering herself before looking at Beatrice once more, “You’ve done beautifully, Beatrice. Thank you. Truly.”
Emilia squeezes her hard before letting go.
“I’ll—I’ll go now.” She can tell Emilia is not a crier, but is on the verge of it. “I won’t let this damage her career. I won’t allow it.”
Emilia nods, hand coming to her shoulder, “I know. I know you won’t. Go. I’ll take care of her.”
Suzanne is waiting for her downstairs by the entryway, arms crossed, a determined look on her face. Suzanne is ready for battle. “We’ll speak in the car. Ava’s name stays here, are we understood?”
Beatrice nods, adjusting the satchel on her shoulder as Suzanne hands her phone over and grabs the duffle from her hand. With one last look up the stairwell, she reluctantly surrenders the desire to see Ava again, then turns to leave behind Suzanne.
—
(*)
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent. Please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are in their upright positions and your seatbelts are securely fastened.”
Suzanne adjusts her seat, then begins the process of stashing away her laptop into her bag, locking the tray table back. After checking on her own seatbelt she leans towards Beatrice, tugging at the seatbelt a few times, just in case.
But the thing is, Beatrice hasn’t moved during the entire flight from Lake Como. She’s been sitting in the same position for two hours, and has been silent since they arrived at the airport.
Suzanne has been busy, barely sparing her glances as she balances speaking to their PR team, their label and the flood of news outlets out for any piece of her and the “mystery woman”.
The PR statement on Beatrice’s behalf is as follows:
I would like to take a moment to express my sincere appreciation for the continued love and support we receive from our fans, the public, and the media.
At this time, I wish to clarify that I am in a relationship with someone who is not a public figure and who values their privacy. I understand that my personal life is the subject of public curiosity, and while I value that connection, I’ve chosen to keep my relationship private, out of respect for their personal life and in the interest of preserving the integrity of our relationship.
I kindly ask for respect and understanding. I remain committed to sharing our music while also maintaining a healthy boundary around my personal life.
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July ninth, the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
The deluge that greets them as they descend into Heathrow is enough to delay the arrival of their plane. The runways are crowded with the number of flights eager to disembark their passengers. It’s enough confusion that they’re forced to deplane in one of the designated outside disembarkation areas.
Heavy droplets of rain begin to seep through the light fabric of the hoodie Beatrice is wearing. She follows Suzanne’s steady presence, the only thing keeping her standing at the moment. A firm hand leading her down the steps and across the runway to their gate.
Once they’re inside and past the automatic doors to arrivals Suzanne pulls her aside, an eagle eye looking in the direction of the waiting cameras. “I’ve called for a car. I’ll drop you off at your flat. We can discuss—”
“No. I’ll take the Tube home,” Beatrice interrupts, slinging the duffle across her shoulder and re-adjusting the satchel behind her back. “Blacked out rear windows are starting to crawl under my skin.”
Suzanne is skeptical of this decision but doesn’t press the topic further. “Keep your head down. Text me when you get home?”
Beatrice nods without sparing another glance at the cameras. Suzanne pats her back, heading to the press in order to keep them off her.
Following the familiar signage for the Underground transfer, Beatrice pulls the hoodie over her head, evading tourists and natives alike.
In the train carriage she faces the corner walls, sending a prayer that everyone around her is too exhausted by the morning delays to pay her any mind. There are text messages and missed calls from her bandmates which she avoids for the time being. She’s aware she needs to reply to them, to let them know what has happened, but that’s not something she can wrap her head around right now, especially as she stares at the off-white interior and memories flood back into her mind.
If she concentrates hard enough she can almost make out Ava’s Vans between her Chucks, her hand by Ava’s side keeping her perfectly still as the train jolted forward. How Ava had stared as Beatrice pulled the beanie down to keep her hidden. To keep her safe.
“Something on my face?”
“Wha–”
“You were staring.”
Beatrice squishes her eyes shut and shakes her head, the memory triggering a sudden drop in her stomach, the intensity enough to increase her heart rate. But of course that doesn’t help, not in here, not where so much has happened. She can feel Ava’s breath on her neck before the ‘ I love you ’ was whispered into her ear, for her and only her to hear. Her mouth aches to repeat it, just like she did that night, the night that changed everything between them.
The walk home in the rain is slow, the familiarity unwelcoming with every step she takes. Something that at other times has been comforting now carries traces of melancholy.
Ava’s steps beside her as they rush back to the flat with takeout, the underlying anticipation after choosing each other, waiting for Ava in the dead of night just to have a few days together.
It’s endless and suffocating.
The gate swings closed behind her and the sound alone conjures Ava’s laughter as she rushes ahead, not quite knowing where to go but eager to hold Beatrice’s hand as she leads them there.
The stairs creak, each step solidifying again and again the loss she feels.
But now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
She heads straight for the bedroom, depositing the satchel and the duffle on the floor, she can’t look around because if she does she won’t be able to breathe. Instead she busies herself with pulling the clothing out of the bags, following her system. Clean and put away.
Out of sight, out of mind—
Ava’s faded Totoro shirt.
A pained whimper makes its way out of her throat at the sight of it. The grip on the shirt is tight enough to make her knuckles go white. In her rush to leave the villa she has accidentally grabbed it.
Nothing stops her from slipping it on after showering, Ava’s coconut shampoo permeating her senses.
It is both a comfort and a torment.
After drinking water, the kitchen wall supports her as she slides down onto the cold floor, phone in hand. Beatrice opens the group chat with the band, ignoring the steady stream of texts from everyone. After typing out a quick text confirming their speculation she shuts her phone and makes the mistake of looking down. The bracelet on her wrist feels like an affliction, a symbol of potential and hopelessness all at once.
The bracelet stays on.
She’s incapable of removing it.
The kitchen is inhospitable now, it carries memories of Ava standing next to her mother in the kitchen dutifully listening to instructions, Ava rushing out of the kitchen to avoid flour and raw batter as they made cookies, and Ava’s desperate pleas over Beatrice’s inability to understand their predicament.
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
She stands.
She can’t do this.
She can’t agonise over every part of her that Ava has touched.
Every part of her that Ava has taken.
She keeps her eyes down as she crosses the living room, pretends she doesn’t see Ava’s jacket hanging from the hook by the door or her shoes under the stool.
The little penguin that still hangs on one of her trees by the piano.
The photograph by her desk.
The painting that hangs next to her bed.
Beatrice pulls the sheet over her head.
The shaking starts then as her body lets go. The need to keep up appearances in public crumble here underneath the safety of her sheets.
When she wakes suddenly, it's to a sob wracking its way through her body. She had dreamt and re-lived it all again. The pounding at the door, Ava’s puffy eyes, the resignation. The sobs slow and turn into hiccups. Slowly Beatrice rolls out of bed and trudges through on the way to the kitchen. She needs a glass of water to fight the dehydration.
At the end of the short hallway, she’s blinking in surprise, completely taken aback. Four pairs of concerned eyes are looking back at her. Her face crumples involuntarily. They crowd close, gently shushing her and smoothing her hair back from her brows.
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
The tour begins again. A welcome distraction apart from the fact that she sees Ava everywhere.
Beatrice glances at the television above them as they await their flight for New York, the close caption below the anchor celebrating the success of Ava’s tour, and how she’s projected to surpass attendance records held by their predecessors.
Ava’s on ads for Hermès as they drive through the city, a peppermint mini bag hanging off her shoulder by a gold chain.
“Can you please turn off the radio?”, Lilith demands as they slip into the SUV after dinner.
The driver apologises as the car falls into silence, cutting off Ava’s ‘ Malamente ’. Beatrice pretends not to have heard it, but the lyrics echo in her mind. Y por delante no voy a perder ni un minuto en volver a pensarte (moving ahead, I won’t waste another minute thinking of you again). It bounces off the walls of her head like some kind of overexcited electron, unstable and unwilling to go back to a ground state of being.
Mary watches.
Camila clears her throat and makes a joke about something that happened at rehearsals.
Yasmine hands over one of her earbuds, Lorde’s album is a must listen. The production? Impeccable. ‘ Man of the Year ’ puts the lad in power ballad.
They pretend it’s okay when it’s not.
Beatrice chuckles, it’s forced and doesn’t land well. And does what she always does, silently torture herself until she’s too exhausted to think about Ava.
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
[Ava Silva TIME Person of the Year]
Their PR team posts it in their group chat. Done deal. Issue will be out in December. It’s not meant to rattle her, the team doesn’t know. They share their disappointment on the band missing out. There’s always next year . Only Suzanne replies.
Darling
[We just heard about TIME choosing you for Person of the Year.]
[Congratulations. We couldn’t be happier for you.]
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