An Old Man and A Kitten

This is a blog centered around my thoughts. It will be me just letting go of things in my head. Why the name? Well, I don't really know, but in time I should be able to explain it. All.content here will be mine, so please be gentle.

[anoldmanandakitten]

Friends or so I think that's what they're called.

I am to myself. I dont make friends. So, when I do, attempt, to make some, they end up being so self-involved that any kind of connection is severed. I am a person who becomes "best friends" over night. We decided to hang out once? We are family. I have spent so much of my life pushing people away because I know all I will do is get hurt if I let someone in. So now, anytime I have a friendship, I feel people only befriend me to get what they want from me and once they get it, they just move on.

For example, I have befriended someone at work. Probably not the best idea, but i am trying to be more outgoing and friendly. It doesn't hurt that this person is kinda attractive. In our "friendship" i feel as though i have to start all conversations or interactions. When at work, Im often ignored for others around. I dont expect to be the only person talked to, but damn a few conversations between us would be nice. Outside of work, I am met with one word answers and responses. I invite this person to do things, but I am always a low priority. I understand they have their own life and other friends, but I would appreciate being treated like a friend and not a siphon of information.

It's hard for me to cut this person out. I have let them in and it hurts. I know I have to do what I have been trying to do, but I get sucked back in everytime. I will not send messages or snaps or anything unless they communicate with me first. I am always willing to chat and talk and whatever, but dont come looking for me as a last resort to date your loneliness.

I'm at a point where I feel I am being pushed away. I dont understand why, but if that's what needs to happen or that's what they want, I can, cold-heartedly, cut them off too. I dont want to be that way anymore, but it shows that as soon as I befriend people, they show their true colors.

Sucks to be me and dont I know it.

Ps: what makes it worse is when I am in a bad mood, there is only a worry when it seems they are in "danger" of feeling bad. Even as I wrote this, the same person comes and asks two simple questions and all of a sudden I feel dumb for feeling how I've felt. But, the inquiry, I feel, is coked in a guise of "what can i find out" not of genuine concern.

We will see. 🤷🏽‍♂️

[anoldmanandakitten]

Old man: who is he? Part 1

Im not old in the sense of age. 34 almost 35. I am still very young and active. I have a physically,and mentally, demanding job. So, to reiterate, I am not old in age or appearance. Where I am old is in my thinking and my personality. I am always the 'boring" one. The one to make the old person decision.

I am an old guy from a small, shitty town on the outskirts of New York City. I am from a place called Mount Vernon, NY. Four square miles of former New York glory.

I grew up with my grandparents thanks to my "father" leaving my mother when I was two years old. He left her with three kids. Needless to say, I don't like men, especially ones who run from responsibility.

I stayed in that God awful place until I was old enough to leave on my own. I went to the place most kids from single parent homes in bad neighborhoods go: the military.

I wasn't seeking structure or discipline. I was seeking a way out. And boy, oh boy did I find it. Three weeks into training 9/11 happens. And for anyone not from the USA, it basically means some bad shit happened. So, my escape quickly became another prison.

I have been to combat enough to know that not even what you see in the most gruesome of movies can compare to the sheer horror of a warzone. I came out on the other end not the same guy who went in.

When I returned, I was able to try and get some type of regular life going. I had met a girl. And everything was good. Then I got told I was going back to the horror.

Time passed and I married the girl. We moved in together and live a fun life. Fun meaning hardworking. We have been together for fifteen years. We have been through it all. Good times. Bad times. Rich times. Poor times. She is my best friend. She is my kitten.

We have helped each other learn who we are and who we have become over the years.

Who wee have become will be explained on part two.