Dummkopf Niloc

What if the world actually ended already, But no one ever noticed.

[anonymosbeing]

I want to be held like the world is ending, I want to truly experience something other than the torture I bring upon myself... I just want you to see me the way I see you, beauty in the imperfect... light shining in the dark. I hope against fate that one day we can be.

[anonymosbeing]

The world is pain, existence is tragic. Yet we push through until a beacon of hope shines on a better tomorrow. But what do you do when the beacon turns the other way, like a lighthouse in stormy weather.

[anonymosbeing]

Trash king...

Oh you king of vile

Oh you so rotten to the core

Oh you the crown prince of pestilence

Why have thou taken residence within

Why cant thou leave after a gentle embrace

Why cant thou understand the simplest touch derives only pain

How do I unleash this hold on my heart

How do I unleash this want for embrace

How do I unleash myself from this earthly responsibility

Jesus fuck somebody kill me in my sleep because I cant even flip a car without my seatbelt on properly fuck

[anonymosbeing]

I want to destroy something beautiful, too bad all I have is myself.

[anonymosbeing]

Tries to kill self only to wreck car...

[anonymosbeing]

The wrong plan right idea

I've never been able to follow through with a quick death... If I'm being honest its mostly because I never viewed I deserved one, the pain I've inflicted in the name of self justification warrants only a slow and painful end, which is why ive never been able to just spontaneously end my life because I dont believe in a hell, so with the proper combination of alcohol and medicine I can end it in the most painful way I deserve

[anonymosbeing]

New low

After everything she ended up kicking me out of the apartment so I threatened to suefor the money she owed me but was patiently waiting for, life sucks, my job feels both good and horrible, mostly though I want to stop lashing out at people in my life, I no longer want to kill myself but the wish for death is at an all time high. Josh if you ever read this, you are one of the best friends I've ever had in my life and I'm sorry for being petty but we've been in a depressed cycle for three years and I just don't know what to do anymore to try fighting through both of our mental health's, I just need you to meet me half way.

[anonymosbeing]

Fuck

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Fuck my life

[anonymosbeing]

Honestly?

All I've ever wanted, is for somebody I'm not obligated to care about to ask for a hug. Not like a really quick thing, I mean I want to truly be embraced by someone that can see through my mask and wisper so only I can hear that it's gonna be ok

[anonymosbeing]

[anonymosbeing]

[anonymosbeing]

Bad

I'm not good, I don't want to talk about it anymore because its just getting worse so this is my last rant before I talk to a therapist, everytime I put myself into my roommates perspective I understand that by not paying all of my share of the bills im putting her into a really bad position, that she feels like im constantly bumming from her and that all I do is complain about my job not giving me what I want, but all she has to do is ask and I would give anything I have on me just to make it easier on her, thats why I'm constantly offering to buy her food when i know she can't, it's the only reason I sucked it up and went to Washington every weekend I could to get work scrubbing buildings... But instead of talking to me when everything is becoming too much for her, she just puts a child block on my technology preventing me from having acces to Wi-Fi.

I feel like I'm a selfish fucking asshole because (I dont make enough money)=thinking(I wish I could just pay less so I can start saving) which =(she makes so much more than I do) =(maybe I can pay her back in other means?) =(I'm trash as a person because all I do is beg)

But at the end of the day, I need help, psychiatric mostly

[anonymosbeing]

Being poetic

Its not morning if you have yet to go to sleep.

[anonymosbeing]

The past

I'm %80 sure I was raped when I was 11 but I can't remember, it was also my first time drinking... Which would explain my extreme uncomfortability around alcohol

[anonymosbeing]

Prefrontal cortex

The part of my brain that was feeling like it was on fire until I put it out with vodka

[anonymosbeing]

Hungry

Ive been starving myself for a few years now, it started with just eating less, then it became eating less only once a day, now it's become a challenge to go as long as physically possible without eating before the pain sets in

[anonymosbeing]

Sobriety...

Im am trying to not smoke for a week so I can pass a drug test, my "friends" take this as a sign to just not interact with me at all, I come home and they are in her room hanging out having a nice time smoking it up, but neither of them wants anything to do with me until I leave for a cigarette, when I get back he is gone and she has all the lights off just texting someone