One of our new hires was in my office today looking at all my Disney decorations, & she asked me if I had kids. She said if I did they would be lucky to have a mom who would enjoy taking them to Disney World. I'm at the age where I've been asked that a handful of times & usually it doesn't bother me. I have my answer, which today was my usual "No but I have a younger brother I practically raised" & I gestured to the pictures of him on my bookshelves.
But I'm having a hard time, for no reason as usual, & it struck me that it's probably going to be my answer forever. I don't think I can marry or have my own in good conscience, & I don't think I can have them otherwise in good conscience either. & I did get the experience. I was aware of & present for the baby, toddler, young child, & awful teenage years. I taught him to ride a bike & read, held him when he cried, & did what needed to be done when he struggled. I stopped a vicious cycle & got him the help I didn't have. I got him tested & called the therapists & coaches & joined the Facebook support groups. I went to all the school & therapist meetings & pushed for anything he could possibly need. I even did the internet scouring & got a group together to do whatever it took to get the Xbox he asked for 2 years ago, because no one else listened when he asked for one. This year we worked for hours together on his application for the special program he wanted to do, & soon I will watch him graduate, continue to have our weekly calls, & eventually help with whatever he wants to do next.
So I did it, but I'm never going to be mom & when it turns around & I need help, it's not going to be him. It'll be my job to care for my parents when the time comes, I know that. But I'm never going to have anyone like that. Maybe someday I'll have a niece or nephew by my other brother, but nothing like what my great aunt had. I won't have a family. And I've proven myself to be really bad at finding any of my own. I've taken really good care of the people I've felt responsible for, I know that. But I can't trust myself with a full time child, I've proven as much by barely managing to care for a dog.
I refuse to be a mother who has days where she can barely move or speak, where her temper is so short that walking the dog is inconvenient. I refuse to be a mom who shuts down & can't start tasks because she feels as though she'll explode from emotion. I already despise being a leader with these qualities. My mom made mistakes, but she was always at our disposal when I was young. I never doubted her ability to handle anything until I was much older & dealing with problems her generation wasn't prepared for. I'm unsure if I could manage to feed a kid every day, let alone be there for them in the way she was every day.
I wish so often I could ask my great aunt how she dealt with these feelings. Did it scare her to be alone? Did she feel regret when people asked her if she had children? Did she worry she was missing out? Anyone with eyes could see how she adored my brother & I, it seems unlikely that she never thought of having any of her own. I stand by the fact that she didn't die alone, as my mother said she did, because I feel that can't be true with how much I loved her, but I wonder if she would have thought so. She prepared her finances so that no one would ever have to financially sustain her, because she knew she didn't have anyone besides her brother, who had his own family. Did that weigh on her like it already does on me?
I care about everything & everyone so much it tears me apart, so much that I think it's what makes me shut down, because I can't feel it all anymore. It makes me want to not exist, because what is the point if not to care about something that much? So how do you navigate a world where you cannot have those things that would make your life feel important? I used to want to replace them with meaningful work & accomplishments, but now it seems like all that holds me afloat is the fear of missing out on being a witness to other people's greatness. I am alive to be a bystander to miracles & magic & never get to have any of my own, & sometimes that still hurts so bad that I don't know if it's worth it.
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
titsay
