Well, you knew this was coming, right, my dear? Sage, ivy and papyrus <3
Of course darling, but that doesn't make any less special to have you in my inbox ❤️
sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?
Oh music, 100%. I am a very audotiry-seeking person, I tend to need an audio component to make the deepest emotional connections to things, and I love to feel the emotions in a physical way through my body. While other mediums like writing etc. can instill emotion in me, it's a detached experience. I can rationalize and internalize the written word but I'm not gonna feel it in my actual body much. Music, I feel inside my body, with the goosebumps, the vibrations of the sound, the ways it compells me to move and stim. My body is made to move in rythm, but reading is a static, often sat, experience. Plus there's live shows which can feel like literally being pummeled, emptied out, scooped out with your innards replaced by the sonic vibrations. Music for me is an experience that involved all of my senses, so it's more easily connected with my nervous system and and brain. There's something distinct about the physical experience of music, like, lyrics do it for me, but poetry does nothing to me at all, and that's cause I couldn't hear the poem necessarily and have it paired with specific tones and chords and modes to support or contrast the words. Audio's my main priprity when it comes to having an emotional response to anything.
ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?
Now that's a question to ask an autistic person XD My tells are clear, direct communication. Ask and I'll tell you, type of vibe. I let people know. I'm sure I have instinctive, subconscious shifts in my tone of voice, pattern of speech, microexpressions, stance, aura and what I give off in general when my mood changes. My problem with those tells is, very often people misconstrude my "tells" and assume I feel a certain way when I don't. Reading tells implies a big amount of projection and inferring things that unfortunately people don't always seek to confirm. So to me, in my experience, my tells are missread constantly. People think I'm mad so often when I'm nowhere near that state, for instance. I dunno what I'm doing to look mad all the time but I guess I have that "tell" going on loads more often than I feel that emotion. Tells are unreliable. Someone can tell what mood I'm in by asking directly! Ain't that the most autistic answer I could have given to this question hahahahha, fuck xD
papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?
The audio rip of this chillstep mix by Chillout Deer on youtube:
Apparently the first track on this mix is called Sleeping Forest by artist Wayr. I associate this a trip me and my mom took in the summer of 2018. There's a sort of spa retreat / nature retreat place my mom's been going to for decades. She used to go with her sister before she left, with her mom before she passed away, with her best friends before they drifted apart; she'd drag my dad even if it isn't his thing too much and he'd humor her and they'd have a lovely time. I went 3 times with her so far. This place is my mom's safe haven. In 2018 we'd planned to take the trip together for her birthday. It's about a 4 hour drive from us, my mom doesn't drive much and is scared to because she has a medical condition that greatly diminished her sensitivity in her feet so she has a hard time feeling the pedals the correct way. One of the things I did to help calm her during the drive was play those chillstep mixes. She loved them and they really helped. We had our windows down and we vibed, driving deeper and deeper in nature near the water on the shoreside. Both drives went perfectly.
We also listened to those mixes in our room before and after our spa treatments when we'd get back together after. We played chillstep while doing diamong painting, while talking about our values, while trying to decide which spa treatment to go to next.
That was the year we had our shetland sheepdog puppy that got a neurological condition days after the trip and we had to euthanize her. The last pictures of her we have are on the balcony of our little shoreside cabin over there.
That was the year me and my life partner got together, and these few days were the longest amount we'd spent apart since we began our life together. We texted and sent pictures back and forth and I was trying to live in the moment with my mom and take in every minute of this trip while also dealing with my cells yearning for my partner.
That was the year we had the best food we ate at that retreat, my mom and I sharing our menues and for once I didn't have an allergic reaction to anything, so the trip was safe health-wise for me.
That was the year me and my mom made up the silliest game of trying every chair / surface to sit on in the entire property, taking pictures and ranking them, finding out best chair XD
That was the year we got followed by a dog? wolf? wild canine during a walk in the woods for legit an hour, getting trailed by this animal which was terrifying and awe-inspiring at the same time.
That was the last time me and my mom went to the retreat, cause my life with my partner and work and personal life took over. I should organize another one of those trips soon. Lots of good and bittersweet memories in that music.
